Interpersonal Communication 9
The Neglect Response
Denies or minimizes problems, disagreements, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to overt conflict. "We don't really disagree." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." It is passive because it avoids discussion. The lose-lose and win-lose orientations are associated with it.
Constructive Strategies
Voice and loyalty
The later stages
contracting-building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals.
Honor Yourself, your partner, and the relationship
win-lose-lose because when only one person wins, both the other person and the relationship lose. Win-win orientations and constructive forms of communication make it possible for both individuals and the relationship to win
Need time to cool off before dealing with conflict directly
Exit
Imagine how you'll feel in the future
Allows us to imagine ourselves in the future and to respond to the future self that we imagine.
The early stages
Communicators confirm each other by recognizing and acknowledging each other's concerns and feelings. Climate is the foundation both of conflict and of the overall relationship, sets the tone for communication during conflict.
Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and issues
I language is a cornerstone of effective conflict communication
The middle stages
Kitchen sinking- everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument. Once a conflict begins, everything that has been stored up is thrown in Frequent interruptions-disrupt the flow of talk and derail a partner's issues or reroute the discussion
conflict is temporary and provoked by external pressures
Loyalty
"Mine is worse than yours."
People try to monopolize rather than listen and respond to each other and telling someone your situation is worse than theirs
Check perceptions
Perceptions are easily distorted when conflict is afoot Paraphrasing Asking direct questions
Unproductive Conflict Communication
Preoccupation with oneself and disregard for the other. As a result, communication tends to be negative.
Show grace when appropriate
granting forgiveness or putting aside our own needs when there is no standard that says we should or must do so. Grace is not the same as forgiving because forgiving implies we should. Grace is unearned , unrequired kindness. Grace involves letting go of anger, blame and judgements about another and what she or he did. Grace is given without strings. Grace is not always appropriate because people can take advantage of grace and kindness
Passive aggression
Common form of covert which is acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting aggressive. Passive aggression punishes another person without accepting responsibility for inflicting the punishment.
Sexual orientation
Gay men are much like heterosexual men when it comes to conflict and lesbians are similar to heterosexual women
Interdependence
Interpersonal conflict can occur only between people who perceive themselves as interdependent at the time of the conflict. I-thou and I-you One wants to change the others mind
Expressed Tension
Interpersonal conflict is expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord. Conflict exists only if disagreements or tensions are expressed.
The exit response
Involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing. Refusing to talk about a problem or ending a relationship. because it is a forceful way to avoid conflict, it is active Exit responses are associated with lose-lose and win-lose
Attend to the Relationship Level Meaning
It is equally important to monitor the relationship level of your own communication
Win-win
orientations assumes that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains. A good solution is one that everyone finds satisfactory. Compromising to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties is positively associated with satisfaction, respect and love between marital partners. In a similar way, we're unlikely to find a win-win solution if we perceive conflict as win-lose or lose-lose
Focus on the overall communication system
Communication is systemic meaning it occurs in contexts, and is composed of many interacting parts. Applying the principle of systems to conflict, we can see that how we deal with conflict is shaped by the overall systems of relationships and communication
Games
Convert conflict takes place through games, highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing
The later stages
Counterproposals-each person is more interested in pushing his or her solution than considering the other persons Compounding self-preoccupation is self-summarizing, which occurs when a person ignores the other person and simply restates the speaker's feelings and perspective. Excessive miscommunication-embroiled in metacommunication and can't get back to the issues and is more likely to block partners than to resolve tensions satisfactorily
Listen Mindfully
Even when you disagree with someone's thoughts, actions, goals or values, you should show respect for the person by paying attention and seeking to understand him or her
Perceived Incompatible Goals
Experience conflict when we perceive what we want is incompatible with what is wanted by a person with whom we are interdependent. PERCEIVE
Guidelines for Effective Communication During Conflict
Focus on the overall communication system Time conflict purposefully Aim for win-win conflict Honor yourself, your partner, and the relationship Show grace when appropriate
Is passive aggression and games effective
It is dishonest, and ineffective way to manage conflict. It is dishonest because it evades the real issues and it is ineffective because as long as the conflict remains hidden or disguised, it's almost impossible for people to recognize and resolve it.
Principle 2: Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly
Overt-open and explicit and people deal with their differences in a direct, straightforward way Covert-express disagreement indirectly
Men verses Women
Professional situations and athletics- men may be vocal in dealing with conflict Personal lives-men often deny or minimize problems rather than deal openly with them Husbands-more likely than wives to withdraw from conflict and that husbands refusal to address conflict is a strong predictor of divorce Men more likely to use coercive tactics Dominating styles of handling conflict are associated with relationship dissatisfaction Men experience greater and longer lasting physical responses to interpersonal communication than do women Because conflict tends to be more physically and psychologically painful to men than to women, men may be motivated to deny, avoid or minimize issues that could cause conflict
Look for ways to preserve others face
Protecting others face is part of managing conflict effectively
Responses to conflict
Responses to conflict can either be active or passive, depending on how overtly they address problems. Responses can also be constructive or destructive in their capacity to resolve tension and to preserve relationships
The middle stages
Stay focused on main issues (agenda building) Bracketing-noting that an issue arising in the course of conflict should be discussed later and allows partners to make progress in immediate issues Don't interrupt except for clarification Recognize and acknowledge each other's point of view along with respecting yourself
The Loyalty Response
Staying committed to a relationship despite differences. Loyalty is silent allegiance that doesn't actively address conflict, so it is a passive response. Loyalty is most likely to spring from a lose-lose orientation toward conflict. Believing that engaging in overt disagreement only hurts everyone, people may choose to remain loyal and not try to work through differences.
Communicate Supportively
Supportive interpersonal climates
The early stages
The first three minutes of an argument may be the most important Communication that fails to confirm individuals People listen poorly at the beginning of conflict Cross-complaining-one persons complaint is met by a counter complaint Negative climate and mind reading-negative climates tend to build on themselves. As parties in conflict continue to talk, mind reading is likely. Negative assumptions reflect and fuel hostility and mistrust
Principle 1: Conflict is natural in most Western relationships
The presence of conflict does not indicate that a relationship is unhealthy or in trouble, although how partners manage conflict does influence relational health. Engaging in conflict indicates that people care enough about each other and want to resolve differences
Time conflict purposefully
Try not to engage in serious conflict discussions at times when one or both people will not be fully present psychologically It's more productive to discuss problems in private rather than public settings If time is limited or if we are rushing, we are less likely to take the time to deal constructively with differences It is also considerate and constructive to deal with conflict when each person is ready to talk constructively about a problem Not a good idea to discuss conflict in the mist of anger Promote positive conflict by bracketing (only works if partners return to the issues they set aside)
Win-Lose
orientation that assume that one person wins at the expense of another. A person who sees conflict as a win-lose matter thinks that disagreements are battles that have only one victor. Cultivated in cultures that place value on individualism, self assertion and competition like the USA Undermines relationships because someone has to lose and the person who loses may assume the role of martyr, which often fuels resentment and get even attitude. Can be appropriate when we have a high desire for our position to prevail, low commitment to a relationship and little desire to take care of the person for which whom we disagree.
NIGYYSOB (now I've got you, you son of a bitch)
A person deliberately sets another person up for a fall or works to find a way to make someone fail and then pounced on them when they do.
Conflict Management Skills
Attend to the relationship level of meaning Communicate supportively Listen mindfully Own your feelings, thoughts, and issues Check perceptions Look for points of agreement Look for ways to preserve the other's face Imagine how you will feel in the future
Social Media and conflict
Conflict exists in social media environments Key advantage to on-line environment is ability to step aside during a conflict Check perceptions of other to avoid conflict Flaming-excessively insulting others on-line -ignore -ask moderator to intervene -continue conversation privately
Constructive conflict communication
Creates a supportive, positive climate that increases the possibility of resolving differences without harming the relationship.
Principle 4: Conflict can be managed poorly or well
Depending on how we handle disagreements, conflict can either promote continuing closeness or tear a relationship apart. One of the main reasons conflict is handled poorly is that it often involves intense feelings, which many people do not know how to identify or express.
The felt need for resolution
Differences don't always result in conflict. Conflict involves tensions between goals, preferences, or decisions that we feel we need to reconcile. Conflict involves two perceptions; the perception that we want is at odds with what another person wants, and the perception that we want and that other person must resolve our differences.
Look for points of agreement
During conflict, we tend to focus on disagreements or ways we differ from another person. Although we should acknowledge and deal with real differences, we should also look for points of agreement.
Principles of conflict
Many people view conflict as inherently negative, but that is not true
Aim for win-win conflict
Maximizing the chance of win-win-begin by identifying feelings and your needs or desires in the situation, next express yourself in clear language Second step is to figure out what the other person feels, needs, and wants Third focus on language that promotes cooperation and mutual respect Finally keep reminding yourself that win-win solutions are most likely when both people balance concern for themselves and concern for each other
Cultural differences regarding conflict
Mediterranean culture-lively conflict as normal, valuable part of everyday life France and Arabic culture-Debate one another for the sheer fun of it Hispanic Culture-conflict as normal and interesting Asian culture-conflict is destructive Older participants-accommodating style Younger participant-problem-solving style Westerners-competing style Americans- assertive, individuality, competitive and reluctant to give in Japanese sports-ideal is for tie to occur, low individualism
Blemish
One person pretends to be complimentary but actually puts another down. Focuses on one thing that is wrong and downplays all that is right.
Race-ethnicity
Open verbal communication is more destructive for white couples than black couples. They also report that black wives are more likely than white wives to believe airing conflicts can lead to positive resolution
Principles 5: Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
Opportunities for us to grow as individuals and to strengthen our relationships Deepen insights into our ideas and feelings when we express them and get responses from others Allows us to consider points of view different from our own Enhance relationships by enlarging partners understanding of one another GREATER NUMBER OF POSITIVE, AFFIRMING INTERACTIONS THAN NEGATIVE ONES
Lose-Lose
Orientation that assumes that conflict results in losses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for relationships. People try to avoid conflict at all cost
Principle 3" Social Groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors
Our cultural membership and socialization in particular social communities affect how we view and respond to conflict
"Yes, but"
Pretends to be asking for help but then refuses the help that's offered. Doing this allows for the person who initiates the game to blame the other person for not helping
Differences among social communities
Quakers and Amish- conflict is harmful Gender, sexual orientation, and race/ethnicity may influence orientations toward conflict Women more likely to want to discuss conflictual issues Women more likely to defer and compromise Masculine socialization places less emphasis on expressive communication
Interpersonal Conflict
When people in "I-You" or "I-Thou" relationships have different views, interests, or goals and feel a need to resolve those differences
The voice response
addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it. People who respond with voice identify problems or tensions and assert a desire to deal with them. Voice implies that people care enough about a relationship to notice when something is wrong and do something to improve the situation. Voice is the most constructive way to deal with conflict in intimate relationships. Fostered by a win-win orientation
