Interpersonal Communications - Chp. 10-14, Final Exam Study Guide

Challenges of Friendships

1. Betrayal: forms of friendship betrayal include breaking trust, back-stabbing (criticizing a friend behind his/her back), spreading rumors or gossip about him/her, and lying. friends who experience betrayal feel an overwhelming sense of relationship devaluation and loss for the friendship. 2. Geographic Separation: separation is one of the most common challenges than friendships face. 90% of people report having at least 1 long distance friend. physical distance prevents friends from adequately satisfying the needs that form the foundation of their friendship, such as spending time together, doing activities, and sharing intimate self-disclosure. in long-distance friendships that survive, the friends involved feel a particularly strong amount of affection and respect for one another and have accepted change as a natural part of both their lives and their friendship together. 3. Attraction: 87% of college women and 93% of college men have reported feeling sexually attracted to a friend at some point during their friendship. in cross-sex friendships, the issue of sexual attraction is always an issue, though men are more likely to report a desire for a romantic involvement w/one of their platonic, female friends. friends who seek to repress attraction typically engage in mental management, which involves doing things to actively manage how they think about each other for the purpose of diminishing their attraction towards one another. examples of this would include promises to not pursue the attraction or establishing a strict no flirting rule. many friends who develop an attraction to one another opt to pursue a romantic relationship together. although it's commonly believed that pursuing a romantic relationship will kill the friendship, the results are actually quite mixed. Friends w/Benefits: when participants engage in sexual activities, w/out the purpose of transforming their relationship into a committed, romantic relationship. those who form friends w/benefits relationships do so for two reasons: they welcome the lack of commitment and they want to satisfy sexual needs.

Reasons for Romantic Attraction:

1. Proximity: being in each other's presences exerts a vast impact on the growth of romantic relationships. You're more likely to feel more attracted to those with whom you have more frequent contact with as opposed to those whom you don't. 2. Physical Attractiveness: we feel drawn to those whom we perceive as physically attractive. part of this is because we view beautiful people as especially good communicators, intelligent, and well adjusted because of their beauty to us. This is a phenomenon known as the beautiful-is-good effect. However, we tend to form long-term romantic relationships with people who we judge as similar to ourselves in regards to physical attractiveness. This is known as a phenomenon called matching -- research supports it, saying that people are less likely to want to be in a relationship with someone who either above or below their own physical attractiveness levels. 3. Similarity: attitudes, beliefs, religions, etc. birds-of-a-feather effect shows that we are more attracted to those whom we perceive as similar to ourselves because people who are similar to us are less likely to provoke uncertainty and are more predictable. However, differences in minor likes and dislikes, such as tastes in food or music, don't make or break a relationship. Sharing similar attitudes about life, core beliefs, and religions, etc, are what determine the potential success of a romantic relationship. 4. Reciprocal Liking: "you like me. therefore, i like you." reciprocal liking is whether the person we're attracted to makes it clear, through communication and other actions, that the attraction is mutual. this is a potent predicator os attraction because we tend to be more attracted to people who are attracted to us. 5. Resources: resources include a sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, supportiveness, etc. Attributes that are viewed as valuable and what lead you to view a person as desirable, and ultimately, as attractive. social exchange theory proposes that you'll feel drawn to those whom you see as offering substantial benefits (things you like and want) but with few associated costs (things demanded of you in return). in simple terms, you're attracted to people who can give you what you want and who offer better rewards (affection, emotional support, money, sex, etc.) than others.

Short-Term Conflict Resolutions:

1. Separation - some conflicts end through separation, which involves the sudden withdrawl os one person from the encounter. This resulting resolution is characteristic of approaching conflict through avoidance (ie. when you're arguing with your mom over the phone and she suddenly and abruptly hands up on you). Separation ends the immediate encounter but does nothing to solve the problem at hand. However, separation isn't always negative. In some cases, short-term separation can help to bring about a real long-term resolution. For example, if you and your boyfriend have both used competitive or reactive approaches, your conflict may have escalated so much that any further contact could result in irreparable damage to y'all's relationship. In a case like this, short-term separation would allow you both to cool off, regroup, and then meet up again to consider how to best collaborate and resolve the situation. 2. Domination - occurs when one person gets his or her way by influencing the other to engage in accommodation and abandon their goals. Conflicts that end with domination are often called win-lose solutions. As well, the strongest predicator of domination is the power balance within the relationship. Meaning that, in cases in which one person has substantial power over the other, that individual will more than likely prevail at getting the other person to accommodate for them. 3. Compromise - both parties change their goals to make them compatible. Both parties abandon part of their original desires and neither feel completely happy about doing so. Compromise results from people using a collaborative approach and is most effective in situations in which both people treat each other with respect, have relatively equal power, and don't consider their clashing goals to be especially important. In cases where both parties do consider their goals to be important, compromise can sometimes foster mutual resentment and regret. 4. Integrative Agreements - when the two sides preserve and attain their goals by developing a creative solution to their problem, creating a win-win solution to which both people, using a collaborative conflict approach, are both able to benefit from the outcome. To achieve integrative agreements, both parties must remain committed to their individual goals but also be flexible in how they achieve them. An example would be rescheduling your usual weekly date night with your partner for a different night of the week so that your boyfriend can enjoy his work event and enjoy his weekly time with you as well. 5. Structural Improvements - involves people agreeing to change the basic rules or understandings that govern their relationships to prevent further conflict and occurs in especially intense situations of conflict. In cases of structural improvement, the conflict is used as a vehicle to reshape the relationship in positive ways by rebalancing power or redefining expectations about who plays what roles in the relationship. However, structural improvement is only likely to occur when the people involved in the conflict are able to control their negative emotions and handle the conflict collaboratively.

Obstacles to Constructively Managing Conflict:

61.2% of conflicts are reported to have been handled via text messaging systems. Mostly as a result of geographical distance, dealing with conflicts via iMessage just makes it easier and more efficient. However, media is not nearly as well suited for managing conflicts as face-to-face interactions are. The inability to see nonverbal reactions makes people less aware of the consequences of their communication choices, which then leads to people becomes more likely to prioritize their own goals and use hostile, personal attacks in pursuit of those goals when communicating online. One of the biggest challenges we face in constructively managing conflict is our own minds because we tend to think in self-enhancing ways. Specifically, during disputes, people tend to selectively remember information that supports them and contradicts their partners, viewing their own communication more positively than their partners and blaming their partners for failure to resolve the conflict. Self-enhancing thoughts dominate conflict encounters, stifling the likelihood of collaboration, which is why it's so important to practice regular self-reflection during disputes. Another challenge we face in constructively managing conflict is destructive messaging. In moments of anger, when conflicts escalate and peak towards a certain point, our minds are filled with negative thoughts and all of the resentment that we feel towards our partner. Those thoughts then leap our of our mouths in the form of messages that will permanently damage our relationships. An example of this is called sudden-death statements, and they occur when people get so angry that they suddenly declare the end of the relationship (ie. "Why are we even together?" or "We're too different!" followed by declaring an end of the relationship). However, the most devastating form of destructive messaging is called dirty secrets, which includes statements that are honest in content, have been kept hidden to protect a partner's feelings, and are designed to hurt them (ie. "I cheated on you, and it was great!" or "You know how I said that I've always loved your nose? Well, I hate it!"). Destructive messages can destroy relationships. Another challenge we face is serial arguments, which includes a series of unresolved disputes, all having to do with the same issue. They typically stemming from deep disagreements, such as differing relationship expectations or clashing values/beliefs. By definition, serial arguments occur over a long period of time and consist of a series of cycles in which things "heat up" and then cool down into a temporary state of truce. As well, during the quiet periods, both partners will most likely be thinking over the conflict and attempting to come up with ways to repair the relationship. Serial arguments are determined by the goals that the individuals possess and the approaches that they adopt for dealing with conflict. For example, if a couple is entering into a serial argument with positive goals in mind, such as "creating a mutual understanding" or "constructively trying to understand one another's concerns," then they're more likely to use collaborative conflict strategies and later perceive the conflict as resolvable. In contrast, when partners enter into a serial argument with negative goals in mind, such as "gaining power over the other" or "personally wounding the other in order to win the argument," then they're more likely to use competitive conflict strategies and will most likely later perceive the conflict as unresolvable. Lastly, the most destructive conflict challenge is physical violence, which is a strategy that people tend to resort to when they can't think of a better way to deal with the conflict.

Key Elements of a Romantic Relationship:

A romantic relationship is a chosen interpersonal involvement forged through communication in which both partners perceive the bond as romantic. There are six elements that support this definition: 1. Perception: a romantic relationship exists because both partners perceive that it does, but as perceptions change over time, so does the relationship. For example, a couple may initially consider their relationship to be "casual," but over time, the couple's perception of their relationship may go from "casual" to "long-term," causing their relationship to go from passionate to companionate love. 2. Diversity: romantic relationships exhibit a remarkable diversity in regards to the ages and genders of the partners involved, yet despite this diversity, all individuals in a romantic relationship still place the same degree of importance on their relationships, regardless of sexual orientation (ie. lesbian, gay, straight, etc). 3. Choice: we enter into romantic relationships through choice, selecting not only who we want to initiate a relationship with, but also whether and how we will maintain that relationship. 4. Commitment: commitment is defined as a strong psychological attachment to a partner and an intention to continue the relationship long into the future. when you forge a commitment with a partner, positive outcomes often result and leads to couples working harder to maintain their relationships, which increases the overall satisfaction within the relationship. As well, though men are most often stereotyped as being "commitment-phobic," men and women both view commitment as equally important, if not men even more so. 5. Tensions: when we're involved in intimate relationships, we often experience competing impulses, or tensions, between ourselves and our feelings towards others. This is known as relational dialectics, and it takes three common forms: a. Openness vs. Protection: as relationships become more intimate, we naturally choose to exchange more personal information with our partners. However, at the same time, we still want to keep our inner most thoughts and feelings protected until a certain point because too much openness provokes an uncomfortable sense that we have lost the right to, as well as the ownership, of our privacy. b. Autonomy vs. Connection: we elect to form romantic relationships largely out of a desire to bond with other human beings. However, if we feel so connected to our partners that our individual identity seems to be dissolving, we will most likely pull back from the relationship for the purpose of trying to regain some of our autonomy, our identity. c. Novelty vs. Predictability: the dialectic that describes the clash between our need for stability and our need for change and excitement. We love the security in knowing how our partners will behave. In fact, relationships are more successful when the partners behave in predictable ways that reduce uncertainty in the relationship. However, as we get to know our partners more and more, the novelty and the excitement of the relationships begin to wear off, potentially leading to boredom. 6. Communication: romantic relationships are created and maintained through interpersonal communication.

Conflict Management

Accommodation: when one person abandons his or her own goals for the desires of the other person. Ex. Your boss asks you to stay an hour later at work because your coworker is going to be late. Although you had plans for the evening already, you cancel them and act as if its not at all a problem to your boss. - Power influences accommodations: people who have more power than you most likely won't make accommodations for you and your goals during conflicts. - Love influences accommodations: accommodation reflects a high concern for others and a low concern for the self, causing you to want to please those whom you love. Therefore, accommodation is likely to occur in healthy, close relationships, in which selflessness is a prominent characteristic. Avoidance: involves ignoring the conflict, either pretending it isn't really happening or choosing to communicate indirectly about the conflict if it's brought up. Forms of Avoidance: a. Skirting - when a person avoids a conflict by either changing the subject or joking about it. (ie. you think your boyfriend is cheating on you, but when you bring it up to him, he laughs and says something stupid, like "We'll always be together just like Ally and Noah from the Notebook"). b. Sniping - communicating in a negative fashion and then abandoning the encounter by physically leaving the scene of refusing to interact further. (ie. you're arguing with your boyfriend over face time and immediately after making a nasty comment about you, he abruptly ends the call). People who opt towards the avoidance tactic for dealing with conflict do so because it seems easier and less emotionally draining as opposed to engaging in direct confrontation. However, avoidance poses substantial risks, the first being: a. Cumulative Annoyance - when repressed irritation grows as the mental list of grievances we have against our partner builds until our capacity to suppress our irritation is overwhelmed to the point in which we suddenly explode in anger (ie. you're constantly reminding your boyfriend to get his work done and to call you when he says he will. It bothers you immensely that you have to tell him these things, but you swallow your anger because you don't want to come off as a nag. However, after he forgets to pick you up for a date that he promised to take you on, you call him and explode over the phone, unleashing a verbal tirade of all of the things that he's done in the past month to piss you off). b. Pseudo-Conflict - the perception that a conflict exists when it in fact does not (ie. you mistakenly think that your boyfriend is going to break up with you, so you decide to break up with your boyfriend first, even though he really had no desire to break up with you in the first place. Despite these risks, avoidance is a good way to manage conflicts that involve situations in which emotions run high. For example, if everyone involved in the conflict is angry, yet you continue to stay engaged in the interaction, you run the risk of saying something that will ultimately damage your relationships with the other people involved in the conflict. It's better to avoid conflicts by leaving, hanging up, or not responding to messages until your emotions have cooled. Collaboration: The most constructive approach to resolving conflict, and it involves treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge rather than something that must be accommodated, avoided, competed over, or reacted to. As well, most often collaboration ends in compromise, which involves everyone involved modifying their individual goals for the purpose of coming up with a solution to the conflict at hand. You're most likely to use collaboration when you respect the other person and you are also concerned about their desires as much as you are about your own. People who regularly use collaboration feel more trust, commitment, and overall satisfaction in their relationships than those who don't. When using the collaborative approach, first attack problems, not people. Talk about the conflict at hand as something that is separate from the people involved, using a phrase like, "This issue has really come between us." As well, this process involves having the strength to walk away in the midst of high-emotion situations in conflicts for the purpose of preventing yourself from being in a situation in which you will say or do something that you'll regret later or that will ultimately damage your relationship. Secondly, focus and common interests and long-term goals that you share, as opposed to the issues that are driving you apart. Use "we" language to emphasize this impression Third, create options before arriving at a decision. Be willing to negotiate a solution as opposed to simply insisting on one. To do this, ask questions such as, "How do you think we can best resolve this problem?" or "What ideas for solutions do you have?" and then propose some ideas of your own. Lastly, critically evaluate your solution. Ask for an assessment: "Is this equally fair for both of us?" Keep asking and modifying your solutions until you come up with something that is satisfactory to everyone involved. Competition: an open and clear discussion of the clash between goals that exists and the pursuit of one's own goals without regard for the other's --> involves aggressively challenging the other by sharing their reasons for disputing while also expressing little to no concern for the other person's perspective or goals in the conflict. The choice to use competition to resolve a conflict comes from negative thoughts and beliefs, including a desire to control, a willingness to hurt others in order to gain, and a lack of respect for others. Consequently, you'd be less likely to opt for competition when you're in a conflict with someone whose needs you are interested in and whom you admire as a person. Resultingly, competitive approaches can trigger defensive communication, which involves someone refusing to consider your goals or dismissing them as unimportant, acting superior over you, or attempting to squelch your disagreement by wielding power over you. However, the primary risk of competition is escalation, which involves a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasingly negative and aggressive communication. If both people in a conflict choose competition, and neither are willing to back down, escalation is guaranteed. Reactivity: rather than choosing to resolve the conflict by pursuing any conflict related goals, a person instead chooses to communication in an emotionally explosive and negative fashion. This is known as reactivity, and it is characterized by accusations of mistrust, yelling, crying, and becoming verbally or physically abusive. It is a decidedly nonstrategic way of attempting to combat conflict. The behavior involved has nothing to do with actually managing or resolving the conflict at hand. It involves nothing but flipping out and reacting, and this type of reaction is strongly related to a lack of respect, much like competition. People who are prone to reactivity have little interest in others as individuals and do not recognize other people's desires as relevant or important.

Close Friends vs. Best Friends

Close Friends: people w/whom you exchange deeply personal information and emotional support w/ and whom you also share many interests and activities w/ and who you feel comfortable and at ease around. what makes a close friend a best friend? - typically, best friends are same sex. - best friendships also involve a greater level of intimacy, more disclosure, and much deeper commitment than a close friendship. best friends talk more often and more deeply about their relationships, emotions, life events, and life goals. this is true for both men and women. - people count on their best friends to listen to their problems, w/out judgement, and to have their backs w/unconditional support - best friendship is also distinct from close friendships in the sense that shared activities commit the best friends to each other in substantial ways. for example, best friends are more likely to join the same clubs together, go on vacations together, or be roommates w/one another. - lastly, the most important factor that distinguishes best friends from close friends is identity support, which involves behaving in ways that convey understanding, acceptance, and support for a friend's valued social identities. valued social identities are the aspects of your public self that you deem to be the most important characteristics in defining who you are (ie. athlete, academic, musician, mother, etc.)

Family Communication Styles:

Consensual Families: includes families that are high in both conversation and conformity; such families encourage one another to openly share their viewpoints with one another, as well as to debate those beliefs. consensual family communication is marked by high disclosure, attentive listening, and frequent expressions of caring, concern, and support toward one another. however, at the same time, consensual families are expected to share a single viewpoint and parents in these types of families typically exert a strong control over the attitudes, behaviors, and interactions of their children. For example, parents of these families may encourage their children to share their thoughts and feelings about a given issue, but then proceed to make it clear that only one perspective (the parent's) is correct and acceptable. As well, when conflict arises, they address it immediately and try to resolve it as constructively as possible for the purpose of preserving the family unit. Pluralistic Families: includes families that are high in conversation but low in conformity; they engage regularly in open, frequent communication, which is used as a tool to foster diversity of opinions and attitudes w/in the family - every family member's opinions matter in the decision making process; they deal w/conflict in a very proactive way - will go as far as to set up official times during their family rituals to give family members time to vent and express their dissatisfactions (pluralistic families report the highest rate of conflict resolution) Protective Families: includes families that are low on conversation and high on conformity; communication in these families functions to maintain obedience --> parents = high authority figures, children = obey them - "children should speak when spoken to" Family tends to avoid conflict and even talking about issues that they know will trigger conflict b/c conflict poses a threat to the conformity that they value and they also simply lack the skills to discuss it b/c they don't regularly engage in open, frequent conversation. Laissez-Faire Families: includes families that are low in both conversation and conformity; families don't think that communication is beneficial or necessary for family relationships, which results in low levels of caring, concern and support being expressed w/in the family unit. as well, in both pluralistic and laissez-faire families, they feel like their children should be independent thinkers. Though, pluralistic families want their children to be independent thinkers out of the interest for their children, whereas laissez-faire families want their children to be independent thinkers out of disinterest in their children's thoughts and decisions. b/c laissez-faire families interact so infrequently, conflict rarely occurs at all, if ever. however, if a conflict does arise, they either avoid it or compete to "win" the argument.

Family Communication Patterns:

Family Communication Pattern Theory: two dimensions underlie the communication b/t family members: - The first is conversation orientation, which is defined as the degree to which family members are encouraged to participate in unrestrained interaction about a wide array of topics. For example, families w/a high conversation orientation believe that open and frequent communication are essential to an enjoyable and rewarding family life. Consequently, resulting in that family to interact often, freely, and spontaneously, w/out many limitations placed on time spent together and the topics discussed. Conversely, families with a low conversation orientation view interpersonal communication as something that's irrelevant and unnecessary for a satisfying and successful family life, resulting in that family to interact infrequently and to limit their conversations to only a few select topics, such as the weather or daily activities. - The second is conformity orientation, which is the degree to which families believe that communication should emphasize similarity of diversity in attitudes, beliefs, and values. For example, in high conformity families, they use their interactions to highlight and enforce uniformity of thought. Such families are perceived as more "traditional" b/c the children are expected to obey their parents and elders, who in turn, are counted on to make important family decisions. these family types prioritize family relationships over outside connections, such as friendships and romantic relationships and expect one another to sacrifice their own personal goals for the sake of the family if necessary. Conversely, in low conformity families, they communicate in ways that emphasize diversity in attitudes, beliefs, and values, and actually encourage uniqueness, individuality, and independence. they types of families value outside relationships as equally important to those within the family and prioritize individual goals over family goals. As well, in low conformity families, children actually contribute to decision making and view the family as a vehicle for individual growth.

The Dark Side of Romantic Relationships:

I. Betrayal: defined as an act that goes against the expectations of a romantic relationship and, as a result, causes pain to a partner. common examples include sexual infidelity (having sex with someone whose not your partner), emotional infidelity (developing a strong romantic attachment to someone whose not your partner), deception (intentional manipulation of information), and disloyalty (hurting your partner to benefit yourself). Overall, any intentional behavior that violates norms of loyalty and trustworthiness can be considered betrayal. a. Infidelity: the most destructive form of romantic betrayal is sexual infidelity. most people respond to sexual infidelity by wanting to leaving their partner because other chose to break their pledge to remain faithful to them. however, relationships are most likely to survive infidelity, and cheaters are most likely to be forgiven by their partner, when they confess their betrayal without being asked to. in contrast, when the infidelity is discovered by catching the cheater in the act, 83% of relationships are less likely to survive and forgiveness is low. Studies, too, show that men are more likely to cheat than female dating partners. However, in contrast to emotional infidelity, studies show that 60% of men said that they would be more upset about sexual infidelity whereas 83% of women said that they would be more upset about emotional infidelity. b. Deception: involves misleading your partner by intentionally withholding information, presenting false information, or making your messages unnecessarily irrelevant or ambiguous. most lies in romantic relationships are discovered accidentally, either from a third-person party or from stumbling across evidence of the lie. as well, upon discovering a lie, the partner typically experiences intense and negative emotions. 16% of people, upon discovering a lie told by their partner, broke up with them because of it, though the decision was made based on the severity of the lie told. c. Dealing w/Betrayal: the strongest predictor of what happens after the betrayal is found out or told depends on the severity of the betrayal. if the betrayal permanently alters your perception of your partner, then the relationship probably won't survive and. II. Jealousy: a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. it's defined, not as a singular emotion, but rather as a combination of negative emotions - primarily anger, fear, and sadness. Jealousy can intensify further for online users through wedging, which occurs when someone intentionally uses messages, photos, and posts to try and "wedge" him or herself b/t partners in a romantic relationship b/c he/she is interested in one of them. III. Relational Intrusion: the violation of one's independence and privacy by a person who desires an intimate relationship with them (ie. searching your phone without asking). two forms of intrusion that are common: - the first is called monitoring and controlling: when a partner perhaps texts you constantly to know where you are and to tell you when to be home - "my partner wants to know where i am and what i'm doing all the time" or "my partner doesn't let me meet my family or friends when he's not present." - the second is called invasion of privacy: includes nosing or snooping through your belongings, computer, phone, and asking very openly personal and suspicious questions designed to "interrogate" you. 79% of people dealing w/breakups admit to behaving in intrusive fashions and breakups from intrusion occur b/c of the intrusive partner's inability to let go.

Differences Between Love and Like:

Liking is a feeling of affection and respect that we typically have fo our friends. Affection can be defined as a sense of warmth and fondness towards another person, while respect is defined as admiration for another person apart from how he or she treats you or communicates with you. Loving, in contrast, is a vastly deeper and more intense emotional experience and consists of three components: intimacy, caring, and attachment. Intimacy: a feeling of closeness and "union" b/t you and your partner. Caring: the concern you have for your partner's welfare and the desire to keep him or her happy. Attachment: a longing to be in your partner's presence as much as possible.

Types of Families:

Nuclear Family: a wife, a husband, and their biological or adopted children; was once the most common family type in North America but is now in the minority. a common family relationship challenge is parental favoritism, which involves one or both parents distributing an unfair amount of valuable resources to one child over another (ie. quality time, gifts, favors, praise, etc). as well, interparental conflict (overt, hostile interactions b/t parents) plays a roll in the impact of children in a household, making them less social amongst other children and more likely to copy their parent's behavior when they grow up. Extended Family: results when relatives such as aunts, uncles, parents, children, and grandparents all live together in a common household. Stepfamily: when at least one of the adults has a child or children from a previous relationship. stepfamilies are also often referred to as "blended" or "remarried" families, and over 50% of children born in the 21st century will be born into stepfamilies. the most difficult challenge when transitioning into a stepfamily is triangulation, which is the loyalty conflicts that arise when an alliance is formed, uniting one family member with another against a third family member. two types of triangulation are common w/in stepfamilies: 1. children feeling caught b/t their biological parent and their stepparent 2. stepparents feeling caught b/t the child and their biological parent Cohabiting Couples: consists of two unmarried, romantically involved adults living together in a household, either with or without children. Single-Parent Family: only one adult resides in the household, possessing sole responsibility as caregiver to his/her children. 27% of children in the U.S. and 19% of children in Canada are growing up in single-parent households. Voluntary Kin Family: a group of people who lack blood and legal kinship but who nevertheless consider themselves "family." most often, these types of families come together b/c of a person's dissatisfaction w/or estrangement from their blood-related family and relatives.

Different Types of Romantic Love:

Passionate Love: a state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with another person. Passionate love: - changes our brains -- activates our brain reward centers and our caudate nucleus, which is an area associated with obsessive thinking, which causes our thoughts to circle constantly around the person we love. - causes us to view our partners in an excessively idealistic fashion and to see them as "perfect for us." these beliefs serve to increase our commitment and satisfaction within the relationship. - the measure of passionate love is the same across all cultures - no culture is more passionate or loves more deeply than another - passionate love sees no gender or age differences -- it's been reported that children as young as age 4 have felt passionate love. although, children lack the emotional maturity to fully understand how relationships operate, they still feel romantic emotions every bit as intensely and as passionately as we do. - for adults, passionate love is integrally linked with sexual desire. the difference between being in love and loving someone is defined by the presence of a sexual desire within the relationship. - lastly, passionate love is negatively related to the duration of a relationship. meaning that, the longer you're with a partner, the less intense your passionate love will feel over time. Companionate Love: an intense form of liking defined by emotional investment and deeply intertwined lives. Most long-term relationships will develop into companionate love, which is filled with quiet intimacy, predictability, shared attitudes values, and life experiences.

The Characteristics of Power:

Power - the ability to influence or control people and events --> used to manage/solve conflicts 1. Power is always present: balanced power --> symmetrical relationship (ex. friend to friend) unbalanced power --> complementary relationship (ex. manager to employee, parent to child) Power is always present, we're typically not made aware of it until someone violates our expectations for power balance within the relationship (ex. your boyfriend tells you, rather than asks you, to pick up food for him after your last class of the day, or your boss at work grabs inventory that you were stocking and shouts, "No, do it this way!) even though you were doing things properly). According to Dyadic Power Theory (Dunbar, 2004), people with only moderate levels of power are most likely to use controlling communication. Because their power is limited, they can't always be sure that they're going to get their way, which is why they feel more of a need to wield power in more noticeable ways. Contrastingly, people with higher levels of power don't feel the need to display it because they know that their words will be listened to and their wishes granted. This means that you're most likely to run into controlling communication and power-based bullying scenarios when dealing with people who have moderate levels of power over you, such as mid-level managers, team captains, or class-project group leaders, as opposed to people with high levels of power, such as vice presidents, coaches, or faculty advisors. 2. Power can be used ethically or unethically - power, in and out of itself, is neither good nor bad. It's neutral and is only made good or bad based off of the ethnical or unethical ways in which it is used. 3. Power is granted - power doesn't reside within people. No one was born with power. Rather, power is granted by individuals or groups who allow another person or group to exert more influence over them. For example, a man invites his parents to stay with him and his wife for the weekend. He tells his parents to leave Monday morning, but they decide to instead arrive by Monday morning and announce that they have decided to stay until the end of the week. Their son accepts their decision even though he could have insisted that they leave at the original date in which he had told them to leave by. In doing this, the man has granted his parents the power to decide their own departure date without his input or consent. 4. Power influences conflicts - whoever has more power has the ability to direct where the conflict goes. However, power struggles rarely lead to mutually beneficial solutions. The more constructive approach is to set aside your own power and work collaboratively in order to resolve the conflict.

Power: The Five Types of Currencies

Power currencies - the type of resource that someone possess that other people value --> possessing or controlling a valued resource gives people influence and authority over others. a. Resource Currency: material things (ie. money, property, food, etc.) b. Expertise Currency: special skills or knowledge (ie. Ph. D, knowing a language that others don't, playing an instrument, etc.) c. Social Network Currency: linkage with a network of friends, family, and acquaintances who have substantial influences (ie. you --> Adam --> Julie --> Bill Gates). d. Personal Currency: when someone possesses a very desirable personal characteristic (ie. sense of humor, charisma, communication skills, etc.). e. Intimacy Currency: sharing a close bond with someone that no one else has (ie. if my car broke down on the side of the road, my parents or my boyfriend would immediately drop everything to come get me, whereas if a stranger called for the same assistance, my parents or my boyfriend wouldn't go to help them).

Power and Culture

Power is derived from the perception of power currencies, so people are granted power according to the power currencies that they possess, as well as to the degree to which their power currencies are valued in a given culture.

Culture and Handling Conflict

The strongest cultural factor that influences your conflict approach is whether you belong to an individualistic or collectivistic culture. People raised in collectivistic societies often view direct confrontation regarding conflicts as personal attacks, and consequently, they are more likely to manage conflict through avoidance or accommodation. Whereas people from individualistic societies feel more comfortable with agreeing to disagree and don't see direct confrontation as a personal attack against themselves, making them more likely to compete, react, or collaborate when conflict arises.

Power and Gender

Throughout history, the defining distinction between genders has been men's power over women. Through the rule of the patriarchy, which translates to "the rule of fathers," men have used cultural practices to maintain their societal, political, and economic powers, and men have sustained and further built the patriarchy by denying women access to various power currencies. Today, the gaps between men and women in terms of education and health/medical support have been closed. However, women still largely lack both economic and political power, with only 58% of the economic opportunities and resources that men share and only 23% of the political representation that men dominate. The question is, "How does a lack of power affect women's interpersonal communication?" What men say and do is counted as important and women's voices are muted. In interpersonal relationships, this power difference manifests itself in men's tendency to expect women to listen attentively to everything they say, while men select the topics they wish to listen to when women are speaking. Men feel satisfied that their voices are being heard in their relationships, whereas women often feel as though their viewpoints are being ignored or minimized, both at home and in the workplace.

Gender and Handling Conflict

Women are encouraged to avoid and suppress conflict and to sacrifice their own goals to accommodate others, leading to women having little to no experience with constructively pursuing their goals during a dispute. In contrast, men learn to adopt competitive or even violent approaches to interpersonal conflicts, because such approaches seemingly suggests strength and manliness. However, at the same time, they're taught not to harm women. Thus, during conflicts with women, most men handle the situations by either downplaying conflicts or by simply avoiding the situation by leaving as opposed to seeking constructive resolution.

Family

a network of people who share their lives over long periods of time and are bound by marriage, blood, or commitment: who consider themselves as family: and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning in a family relationship.

Friendship: 5 Key Features

a voluntary interpersonal relationship characterized by intimacy and liking. 1. Characterized by Self-Disclosure: both men and women report that being able to freely and deeply disclose information is the defining feature of friendship, and self-disclosure means sharing private thoughts, feelings, and believing that "we can tell each other anything." Meaning that, the more you consider someone a friend, the more personal information you will disclose. 2. Driven by Shared Interests: similarity is the primary force that draws us to our friends. meaning that, when your interests and daily activities and hobbies change, so do your friends. the most common reasons for friendships ending is a change in shared interests and beliefs. 3. Rooted in Linking: we feel affection and respect for our friends. We like them and we enjoy their company. Taking pleasure in spending time together is a key feature of friendship. 4. Volatile: friendships are less stable and more likely to change and are also easier to break off than family or romantic relationships because the depth of commitment for family and romantic relationships far outweighs the depth of commitment for friendships. 5. Voluntary: we have more freedom to choose our friends than we do in choosing our partners for any other relationship type. For romantic relationships, you're required to stay w/in certain boundaries based off of age, gender, religion, etc. For family relationships, you're bound to those relationships by birth or adaptation or stepfamily ties. Friendships are the only relationships that allow complete and total freedom in the choosing of who you want to and do not want to be friends with.

Cross-Category Friendships

friendships are centered around shared interests and identity support, so typically, people tend to befriend those are similar to them in regards to age, gender, ethnicity, etc. however, people who defy this norm and who forge friendships across demographic lines are known as cross-category friendships. these friendships are powerful in the sense that they have the ability to break down perceptions of negative stereotypes regarding certain ingroups and outgroups. - Cross-Sex Friendships: most cross-sex friendships are not motivated by sexual attraction, but rather by the shared understanding b/t men and women that, through cross-sex friendships, they can both gain a greater understanding of how members of the opposite sex think, feel, and behave. for men, forming friendships w/women provides the opportunity to develop greater intimacy and emotional depth than what is typically offered in male friendships. - Cross-Orientation Friendships: friendships b/t lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer people and straight men or women. these types of friendships provide unique insight in correcting negative stereotypes about the LGBTQ community. - Intercultural Friendships: friendships b/t people from different cultures or countries. these types of friendships are both challenging and rewarding. the challenges of the friendship includes overcoming differences in language or cultural beliefs, as well as certain negative stereotypes. however, the potential rewards of these types of friendships includes gaining cultural knowledge and the breaking of stereotypes. - Interethnic Friendships: a bond b/t people who share the same cultural background (American) but who are of different ethnic groups (African American, Asian American, etc.). people who develop these types of friendships become less prejudiced towards all types of ethnicities. however, the most difficult barriers that people face in forming interethnic friendships are attributional and perceptual errors. sometimes, we let our own biases and stereotypes prevent us from having open, honest, and comfortable interactions with people from other ethnic groups.

Relationship Maintenance

relationship maintenance refers to using communication and supportive behaviors to sustain a desired relationship status and level of satisfaction. 1. Positivity: includes communicating in a cheerful and optimistic fashion, doing unsolicited favors, and giving unexpected gifts. positivity is the most important maintenance tactic for ensuring overall relational happiness and satisfaction. 2. Assurances: reminding your partner of your devotion to them through messages that emphasize how much your partner means to you, demonstrating how important the relationship is to you, and describing a secure future together. assurances can be expressed verbally, saying "I love you" or "I can't see myself ever being with anyone but you." they can also be communicated through actions. one of the best ways to do this is by prioritizing your partner as the focus of your attention, particularly in situations where you're spending time together. 3. Sharing Tasks: the most frequently practiced form of maintenance is sharing tasks, which involves taking mutual responsibility for chores and negotiating an equitable division of labor. 4. Acceptance: part of what builds a strong sense of intimacy between romantic partners is the feeling that lovers accept them for who they really are, fully and completely, and forgive them of their flaws and mistakes as the relationship grows. acceptance involves communicating and affirming this support by forgiving your partner when he/she makes a mistake, supporting your partner when he/she makes an important decision, or being patient with your partner when they're in a bad mood. 5. Self-Disclosure: the process of maintaining intimacy by creating an environment without the relationship where your partner can feel secure and trust you, allowing them to feel comfortable with disclosing their thoughts and feelings without being fearful of any potential repercussions. over time, this behavior evokes a mutual respect between both partners in the relationship. 6. Relationship Talks: romantic maintenance involves occasionally sitting down and discussing the status of your relationship, how both of you feel about it, and where you both see it going. these talks allow you to gauge how invested both of you are and whether or not you agree on any future plans or goals in mind for the relationship. 7. Social Networks: relationships are more likely to survive if important members of a couple's social network approves of the relationship, such as their parents or siblings or close friends.

Relationship Development and Deterioration:

relationships come together (5 stages) and come apart (5 stages): I. Coming Together 1. Initiating: stage involves sizing up the person you've just met or noticed, taking in all of the visual information available to you (physical attractiveness, body type, age, ethnicity, gender, clothing, posture) for the purpose of determining whether or not you find him/her attractive. your primary concern during this stage is to portray yourself in a positive light. 2. Experimenting: this stage occur after you've finished introducing/meeting the person that you're interested in. experimenting then follows and involves exchanging information via small talk (name, major, where you're from, etc.). as you exchange information, you're searching for points of commonality for which you can base the potential for further interaction upon. This can be defined as the "casual dating" phase of a relationship and most romantic encounters never make it past this stage. 3. Intensifying: occurs once you progress beyond the experimenting, casual dating stage and find yourself experiencing very strong feelings of attraction towards another person. during the intensifying stage, you and your partner begin to reveal previously withheld information, such as secrets about your past or important dreams or goals in life. As well, it's during this stage that you begin to start using terms of endearment for one another, such as babe or honey. another strong sign that your relationship is intensifying is a direct expression of commitment, such as verbally communicating that you're falling in love with the person or switching your status online from single to in a relationship. 4. Integrating: during the integrating stage, you and your partner's personalities seem to become one. integration is reinforced through sexual activity and the exchange of belongings, such as clothing, music, or photos. as well, when you've integrated with a romantic partner, you cultivate attitudes, activities, and interests that very clearly join you together as a couple (ie. "our song" or "our favorite restaurant"). As well, it's during this stage that people begin to struggle with the autonomy vs. connectedness dialectical tension. 5. Bonding: the ultimate stage of coming together is bonding, which involves a public ritual that announces to the world that you and your partner have made a commitment to one another and it is something that you will share with very, very few people. the most obvious example of bonding is marriage, which helps to solidify your relationship. II. Coming Apart 1. Differentiating: the beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your partner come to dominate your thoughts and communication (ie. "I can't believe you think that/feel that way!"). differentiating can involve unpleasant clashes and bickering over differing viewpoints, tastes, or goals in life. you can overcome this difficulty by openly discussing your points of differentiation and working together to resolve them, using constructive conflict skills. 2. Circumscribing: if one or both of you respond to a problematic difference by ignoring one another and spending less time together, you have entered the circumscribing stage, where you actively begin to restrict the quantity and quality of information that you exchange with your partner. instead of sharing information, you create a series of "safe zones" in which you discuss topics that won't provoke conflict and use phrases such as "Don't ask me about that" or "Let's not talk about it anymore" to avoid conflict. 3. Stagnating: when circumscribing becomes so severe that almost no safe zones of conversation exist, communication then slows to a standstill and your relationship enter the stagnating stage, where you both assume that communicating is pointless because it will only lead to more problems. people during this stage often feel a sense of resignation and readiness to give up on the relationship. some people willingly stay trapped in a relationship like this for years and years because they either don't feel the need to exert the necessary effort to enforce a breakup or they simply don't know how to repair the damage done to the relationship. 4. Avoiding: during this stage, one or both of the partners in the relationship decide that they can no longer be around each other and begin to physically distance themselves. some even communicate avoidance directly to their partner, saying, "I don't want to see you anymore." others indirectly communicate avoidance by leaving as soon as their partner arrives home, ignoring text messages/phone calls, or changing their online status back to single. 5. Terminating: the terminating stage occurs at the end of a relationship and is when people want to meet for a final encounter to discuss the past, present, and future of their relationship for the purpose of attaining a sense of closure and resolution. this stage can include accusations such as "No one has ever treated me so badly" or lamentations such as "I'll never be able to find anyone as good as you."

Relational Dialectics

the tension that exists w/in all families b/t the competing impulses of autonomy vs. connection and openness vs. protection. autonomy vs. connection: - the best way to combat the tension b/t autonomy vs. connection and the struggle of establishing your own identity outside of your relationship with your family is by sharing tasks and cultivating your social network. for sharing tasks, you need to balance your dependence on your family members by taking on everyday chores w/confident reliance upon yourself, b/c too much dependence on your family members, especially for mundane tasks that you could easily complete yourself, can diminish your confidence and independence. second, regarding your social network, it's important to have a good balance b/t your close relationships w/the people inside and outside of your family. not knowing many people outside of your family will lead to a loss of autonomy but having no close ties to any family members will create a sense of independence that's overwhelming and too extreme. openness vs. protection: - in any close relationship, families included, we want to share personal information to increase relational intimacy, but we also want to protect ourselves from the potential negative consequences of sharing such private information. - according to Communication Privacy Management Theory, people create informational boundaries by carefully choosing which private information that they are willing to reveal, as well as the people whom they want to share that information with. within families, these boundaries are defined by family privacy rules, which are defined as the conditions that govern what family members can and cannot talk about, how they can discuss those topics, and who gets to have access to family-relevant information.

Friendship Functions: Communal vs. Agentic Friendships

the two most important functions that friendships serve to fulfill is our need for companionship and help in achieving practical goals. Communal Friendships: friendship that focuses primarily on sharing time and activities together, such as shopping, eating, or talking. communal friendships try to get together as often as possible and seek to provide encouragement and emotional support during times of need, and because emotional support is such a crucial aspect of communal friendships, the relationship only endures when both partners fulfill the expectations of emotional support for one another. Agentic Friendships: friendships that focus primarily on helping each other achieve practical goals, such as studying for a specific class. agentic friends value spending time together, but only if they're available and it benefits them at the time. as well, agentic friends aren't interested in the emotional interdependence and mutual sharing of personal information that characterizes communal friendships. they're uncomfortable w/personal demands or responsibilities that aren't beneficial to them.

Nature of Conflict

Conflict is the process that occurs when people perceive that they have incompatible goals or that someone is interfering with their ability to achieve their goals. Conflict is a normal part of all relationships, and on average, people report to have around 7 conflicts a week with mostly relatives, friends, or lovers --> the frequency of conflict in a relationship does not determine the success of a relationship, rather it's how the conflict is managed that determines the relationship's successfulness. Additionally, there are four features that characterize conflicts: 1. Conflict begins with perception - conflict is fueled by opposition. Meaning that, as long as people are perceiving that their goals are incompatible with another person's, conflict will continue to endure. However, because conflict begins with perception, perceptual errors occur that shape how our conflicts unfold (ex. if you call your boyfriend and he doesn't text back right away, you automatically assume that he doesn't care about you). Another type of error is called self-enhancing errors, which are the idea that we tend to always think that we are better than the other person in conflicts. For example, most often during conflicts, we tend to blame others rather than ourselves, perceiving others as uncooperative and ourselves as helpful. These self-enhancing errors lead to us managing conflicts in ways that create unsatisfying outcomes. 2. Conflict involves clashes in goals or behaviors - some conflicts revolve around incompatible goals, ranging from everyday disputes such as, "I want to go out" vs. "I want to stay in." Other conflicts arise when one person's actions clash with another's, such as when you told your boss upon being hired that you don't want to work holidays and your boss then schedules you to work a holiday weekend without giving your prior notice. As well, other types of conflicts arise out of differing values. An example of which would be if two parents are disagreeing over what denomination to raise their children as, "I want our children to be Jewish" vs. "I want our children to be Catholic." 3. Conflict is a process that unfolds over time and a series of events - the course of conflict is determined by the communication choices that we make: everything we say and do during a conflict influences everything our partner will say and do, etc. Meaning that, most conflicts go through several stages, involving decisions and actions that directly affect the conflict's direction and consequences for the people involved in the conflict. 4. Conflict is dynamic - conflict typically unfolds over a series of exchanged messages, making it constantly changing and unpredictable. Throughout 66.4% of conflicts, the focus of the disagreement shifts drastically as the conflict progresses (conflict can begin over something silly like where to go for dinner and then evolve into your partner thinking that you don't care about them and that you are a selfish person). When a conversation shifts topics in such a drastic way, this process is called kitchen-sinking: when your conflict partner brings up conflicts from years and years ago that are irrelevant to the current argument, just to add fuel to the fire.