LBS 3480 Intro to Conflict Chapter 2

This is COLD as ICE

"Conflict results more often from a lack of appropriate personal power and too little selfesteem than from someone with a sick personality. In studying conflict, people's behaviors should be described, not their personalities."

Worldview

"the cognitive, ethical, and perceptual frames of an individual" (Goldberg 2009, 407). One's worldview is made up of the following components: ∙ A view of what is real and important in the universe ∙ A view of how people and objects are supposed to relate to each other ∙ A view of what part of the universe is more valuable than another ∙ A view about how you know what you know (epistemology) (adapted from Nudler 1993, 4) ∙ A view about how people should act (ethical worldview) (Blechman, Crocker, Docherty, and Garon 1998)

advantages and functions of conflict:

1. Conflict is inevitable; therefore, the constructive way to approach conflict is as "a fact of life." Too often, people blame others for conflict, assuming, as we saw earlier, that harmony is the norm. If you can accept conflict as inevitable, you can calm down and use your problem-solving skills rather than expending effort in blame and avoidance. 48 Part 1 Conflict Components 2. Conflict serves the function of "bringing problems to the table." In intimate relationships, conflict can make clear that there are problems to be solved. Many times in couple relationships, conflict emerges over division of labor and over the distribution of power. When couples report high levels of problem severity, they are more likely to divorce (Amato and Rogers 1999). One rule of thumb we have developed is, If a conflict occurs three times it isn't about the content. It may be about power, selfesteem, or relationship issues, such as hurts from the past. 3. Conflict often helps people join together and clarify their goals. Many times people keep on doing things "the same old way" until there is a conflict. When conflict arises, they must determine their priorities and how to use their resources. In one organization, a group of nurses were told they must function without a nursing supervisor. They were told by upper management to work out their own schedules and assignments as a team. As they struggled with more work and fewer paid hours available, after a period of several months of blaming and complaining, they met together Chapter 2 Perspectives on Conflict 49 as a team and worked out their problems. While the initial reduction in resources was not at all desirable, they now work effectively as a team. 4. Conflict can clear out resentments and help people understand each other. In a conflict, one cannot continue to go along as though one's own perspective is the only one. When others speak up and say what they need, want, think, and feel, the circle of understanding is often expanded beyond the individual. Even though it may be difficult, conflict can help people pay attention to other points of view.

common negative views of conflict

1. Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal. Observation of people in relationships shows that conflict is not a temporary aberration. It alternates with harmony in an ebb and flow pattern. But common expressions, such as "I'm glad things are back to normal around here" or "Let's get back on track," express the assumption that conflict is not the norm. 2. Conflict constitutes a breakdown of communication. Designating conflict as a breakdown assumes that communication itself does not occur, but communication always occurs in an interpersonal conflict. Often more communication makes the conflict worse. The recipe "add communication into the breakdown" doesn't work out well. "Breakdown," you will notice, assumes that people are like machines, a doubtful worldview. 3. Communication and disagreements are the same thing. Often we mistakenly assume that "we aren't having a conflict; we are just disagreeing." Sometimes this is true. As we described in Chapter 1, conflicts are more serious than disagreements. The attempt to label a real conflict "a disagreement" may be an ineffective strategy to minimize the conflict. 4. Conflict is a result of personal pathology. Conflict is often described as "sick," and conflict participants may be labeled as "neurotic," "hostile," "whining," "paranoid," "egomaniacs," "antisocial," "dependent" or "codependent," or "enabling." Labels offer no substitute for a careful analysis of the elements of the conflict. Conflict results more often from a lack of appropriate personal power and too little selfesteem than from someone with a sick personality. In studying conflict, people's behaviors should be described, not their personalities. Sometimes people are so stuck in a destructive pattern that they cannot change and they cannot participate in collaboration. But the process of conflict itself should not be viewed as pathological. People engage in conflict for understandable reasons. If someone is "rigid," then he or she may have too much or too little power. If someone is "defensive," then he or she may be under attack or expect to be threatened. 46 Part 1 Conflict Components 5. Conflict should never be escalated. Sometimes the most productive choice is to temporarily make the conflict larger so it can be seen, dealt with, and given importance. Sometimes an escalation is unavoidable and cannot be suppressed without relationship damage (resentment, silent hostility, despair, hopelessness, and private decisions to leave). Conflict skills include learning to make enough noise to be heard and to make conflict big enough to be seen. People of lower power band together to confront higher-power people, sometimes so justice will be served. Sometimes people with higher power take a stand to make a conflict larger because they believe it is the right thing to do. 6. Conflict interaction should be polite and orderly. Overly nice communication of any kind ensures a lack of authentic interchange. Productive conflict management often sounds chaotic and confusing. Private arguments, especially, seldom conform to public standards of reasonableness, consistency, or relevance in argumentation. With intensity, communication becomes less strategic and rational and more emotionally expressive and personal. A good conflict is not necessarily a nice conflict, although the more people use productive communication, the more likely that the conflict will both solve problems and help the relationship go forward. 7. Anger is the only emotion in conflict interaction. Another misconception is that the primary emotion associated with conflict is anger, or hostility. Instead, many emotions accompany conflict. Many of us are familiar with the heated, angry, gutwrenching feelings accompanying conflict. Yet people often experience loneliness, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, and resentment, to name only a few other feelings.

You can find your own metaphors using the following structured technique to generate creative ideas for managing your conflicts.

Application 2.8 Playing with Your Conflict Metaphor 1. Class members generate a metaphor for an important conflict, using one of the previous suggestions. Each person writes out his or her own metaphoric image. ("We are a . . . .") 2. One person shares the image with the group of conflicting parties or the discussion group. The group then asks clarifying questions of the person sharing the metaphor, using the images developed in the original metaphor. 3. The group then brainstorms, still using the imaginary mode, about ways to resolve the conflict. (In brainstorming, you reserve "editing" until later.) 4. The facilitator or leader then asks the group to translate these imaginary resolutions into practical steps for conflict management. 5. The primary party, or the group, then chooses the options that are most likely to lead to collaborative conflict management. 6. After all the conflict parties have repeated this procedure, a contract is made for selected change.

Without interaction with the other, the only "information" you have is what is going on in your own mind—your assumptions don't have a chance to be updated. The result? "Prolonged thinking about disputes in the absence of communication focuses individuals on their own perspective and enhances biases toward seeing disputes as serious and holding partners responsible for conflicts" (

As you can see, the distorted view can become even more warped and hardened in time. Here is an example of such thinking: Joan ∙ Why is Jack late? ∙ He must be tied up. ∙ He was late last week, too. ∙ Hmmm, he is moving into the "irresponsible zone." ∙ I wonder if he wants to tell me something about our relationship. ∙ It has now been 25 minutes—he is so inconsiderate. ∙ I knew he would be like this—Sandy warned me about him. ∙ Jack is a real jerk. Jack ∙ Hi Joan. Sorry I'm late. I was counting on Kevin to bring my car back on time and he was late. Driving over I realized my cell phone was out of power. I am very sorry—you must have thought I was not coming. Joan may or may not accept Jack's explanation; the fact that Jack enters Joan's perspective makes a positive repair much more likely.

self-in-relationship

Everyone affecting everyone else

intent is not impact

Exmp: 1. Another example will be familiar to parents. When Sydney accidentally steps on Luke, he shouts to her parents, "She did that on purpose" and begins crying. His perception of her intent drives his reaction. However, intent does not equal impact. 2. Your intent in a conflict almost never equals the impact on the other person. Judy, a manager in a city office, sees herself as friendly and open. She asks employees how they are doing, inquiring about their family members—she has a positive intent. Yet, the impact is that employees feel forced to talk about personal things. The dispute escalates into a petition from the employees to have her removed as manager. When she is told about the petition, she is shocked, and says, "But I'm only intending to show interest and support for them." Intent is not equal to impact.

Conflict is a garden

Experiences of conflict represent seeds for the future; if cared for, they will result in a worthwhile harvest. I like this point: In good gardens, individual plants are given room to grow. Some plants are thinned to make room for mature plants. In human relationships, people learn to leave space for others, to give them room to grow, and to plant compatible varieties together. As a child you may have learned that no amount of watching beans or carrots in a garden would make them grow any faster. Human relationships, especially when conflict has recently been part of the environment, need time to grow slowly, to recover from stress, and to put down roots. We can "harvest" the fruits of careful labor (Kritek 1994, 275).

One rule of thumb we have developed is,

If a conflict occurs three times it isn't about the content. It may be about power, selfesteem, or relationship issues, such as hurts from the past.

SCARSE RESOURCE

Is an important analytical consideration!

hmm.... it wants me to treat perception as something tangible, admissible "real"

It's never effective to say, "That is only your perception." If someone makes that comment to you, you might respond, "Yes, it is. I'll listen to your perception if you will hear mine."

Good Consideration for couples counseling (NOT VITAL)

One's views of self, other, and relationships are always, to some degree, biased. (You can log in to Project Implicit, a series of assessments sponsored by Harvard University, to determine bias for race, gender, sexual orientation, politics, and other areas of bias.) We all filter our experience through implicit assumptions; no true perspective can exist because of personal differences. If you have ever known both individuals of a broken-up romance, you see the complications very clearly. While they once had only good things to say about the other ("She is just so perfect"), they now see only the unattractive features of the ex-partner. When you talk with both of them after the breakup, their implicit assumptions are so strong it doesn't even sound as though they were in the same relationship! Indeed, they were not, because each saw the relationship through his or her biases. Hurt, anger, disappointment, different attributions of communication, and internal sense-making all contribute to a drastically different view of why the breakup happened and who the other person is. One partner may conclude: "Only an incredibly insensitive person could have treated me that way. How could I have been so stupid?" The other partner might say, "She didn't even let me explain. She completely misinterpreted what happened. She always thinks she is right. Chapter 2 Perspectives on Conflict 65 She didn't listen, so she broke up with me." As you probably know well, after a breakup, partners seldom repair the lenses through which they saw the other; they often carry around a single-vision, distorted view for the rest of their lives.

AYYYYEEE this is dope

You may have experienced how futile your words are when you say, "But I had no intention of hurting you." Meaning develops through repeated interactions; all communication behavior is interpreted. Communication does not "speak for itself." When your conflict partner expresses the impact of your behavior on her emotions, perceptions of you, and her willingness to collaborate, believe her. She is the expert on the impact of your behavior, not you.

How Do You Perceive Specific Conflict? (is Fundamental)

Your history and worldview influence how you respond to conflict. The metaphors we use for conflict illuminate our personal ways of viewing conflict in general. Narratives frame the conflict strategies that might effectively be used. We turn now to the process of analyzing and viewing any specific conflict. While each conflict episode is unique, common elements underlie all conflicts. Any conflict can be viewed through (1) communication behaviors and (2) the perceptions of those behaviors. Each person views (1) oneself, (2) the other person, and (3) the relationship in a specific way. Many conflicts occur because of different perceptions

ebb and flow

a recurrent or rhythmical pattern of coming and going or decline and regrowth.

aberration

a state or condition markedly different from the norm

Outsiders to a dispute, whether they are researchers, intervention agents, or friends, also bring their own attributions to the table

adding still other perspectives to the conflict process. While the parties in the previous example see the crucial issues as inclusion, power, control, and assertiveness, an outsider might focus on other issues. For example, during the exchange between the program coordinator and executive director, one of the facilitators was thinking, Hmm, the coordinator seems very angry. Does he have a problem with strong-willed women? Has the executive director already decided she wants him gone? Is this facilitation just for show?

insecure attachment

attachments marked by anxiety or ambivalence

secure attachment

attachments rooted in trust and marked by intimacy

If you were asked to list the words that come to mind when you hear the word "conflict," what would you list? People commonly give the following responses:

destruction anxiety threat anger tension heartache disagreement alienation pain hostility violence hopelessness war competition stress

some positive approaches to conflict

exciting intimate strengthening courageous helpful clarifying stimulating opportunity growth producing enriching creative energizing

Danger Metaphors

imply that the outcome is predetermined with little possibility for productive conflict management Many images and expressions of conflict cast such a negative tone that creativity is stifled.

Culture in Conflict

individualistic vs collectivistic

In individualistic cultures

many individuals are high in internal control, emphasize private goals, pay attention to what the person does rather than who the person is . . . people think that decisions made by individuals are better than decisions made by groups . . . where going one's way and not paying attention to the view of others is acceptable, where personal enjoyment is emphasized, where friendship is a matter of personal choice. (65)

Conflict metaphors

reflect and create certain kinds of communication. "Conflict is a trial," "conflict is an upward struggle," "conflict is a mess," and "conflict is a game. for exmp: War terms conflict is explosive conflict is a Trial Conflict Is a Wild Act of Nature Conflict Is Animal Behavior Conflict Is a Mess Conflict Is a Communication Breakdown Conflict Is a Game Conflict Is a Heroic Adventure Conflict Is a Balancing Act Conflict Is a Bargaining Table Conflict Is a Tide Conflict Is a Dance Conflict Is a Garden Conflict Resolution as Quilt Making Conflict as Musical Improvisation

Women tend to see the self-in-relationship, with everyone affecting everyone else. One's self is formed and enacted in various relationships. Men are more likely to see the self as independent, not as connected to specific relationships

self-in-relationship as a theoretical starting point, it allows us to concentrate on the following dimensions of conflict: ∙ Interdependence rather than power over others ∙ Mutual empathy as the basis for understanding and communicating ∙ Relational self-confidence instead of separate self-esteem (autonomy) ∙ Constructive conflict instead of domination ∙ Staying engaged with others while in conflict ∙ Valuing separate knowing and connected knowing ∙ Utilizing both report talk and rapport talk ∙ Continuing dialogue when there is disagreement

social learning theory

the theory that we learn social behavior by observing and imitating and by being rewarded or punished

However, in collectivistic countries

there is an assumption that maintaining a strong group is the best guarantee of individual freedom, there is a strong emphasis on doing what the in-group specifies . . . shame and loss of face are mechanisms of social control, there is sometimes the tyranny of the group, interpersonal relations are an end in themselves, there are narrow in-groups, there is a concept of limited good, there are more people under external control or motivation, people tend to think that planning is a waste of time, goals tend to be group rather than individual goals, who does something is more important than what she/he does. (66)

A story about perspective:

woman close to retirement, was given a poor performance review. She explained that her mother had cancer and that she was her primary caregiver, while at the same time, her son had gotten in trouble with the law and was on probation to his mother's house. At work Consuela took frequent phone calls, often missed work, and asked peers to explain technical procedures relating to budget analysis many different times. Finally, her peers became fed up, went to their manager, Keith, who began a detailed documentation of Consuela's workplace problems so he could create a "paper trail" and fire her. Consuela told her assigned employee assistance counselor that she was concerned about her own cognitive ability, her stress level, and her work-life balance. Keith told the counselor that he thought Consuela was taking advantage of a humane policy in the agency, was relying on her peers to give her information that she should have, and that she showed no motivation for her work. Clearly, Keith and Consuela, through their stories, experienced a clash of worldviews. Consuela valued family needs and work-life balance. She assumed that co-workers were glad to help out in a stressful time, as they had done in the past. Keith's worldview put performance first. He expected family needs to be taken care of at times other than work, and he expected individuals to know their own jobs without needing to consult with peers about required information. Keith and Consuela's worldview depended partly, but not entirely, on cultural assumptions. Thus, Consuela thought she might be "going crazy," while Keith thought she "lacked a work ethic." In this particular instance, Keith, being the manager, prevailed, ultimately firing Consuela. Your worldview might lead you to assume that conflict is generally a negative experience.

Avoidant Systems

∙ Conflict doesn't exist, and if it does, don't recognize it. ∙ If there is a conflict, figure out what to do about it on your own. ∙ Don't tell anyone else if there is a struggle. ∙ Walk away if something starts to feel uncomfortable or threatening. ∙ Don't ever raise your voice. ∙ Snide comments are ignored, even though resentment builds. ∙ Sulking and the silent treatment are necessary strategies. ∙ If someone has a concern, don't respond to it. ∙ Don't express strong feelings.

Collaborative Systems

∙ Have meetings or mealtime talks to discuss issues. ∙ Use good listening skills when someone has a concern. ∙ Deal with people directly. ∙ Say openly what you are feeling. ∙ Help is offered in resolving children's conflicts. ∙ Regular interaction is important. ∙ Dirty tricks such as sulking are not allowed. ∙ Parents encourage and model respective communication. ∙ Strong feelings are seen as normal and are allowed.

Aggressive/Coercive Systems

∙ Survival of the strongest describes the general climate. ∙ Be brutally honest regardless of the impact. ∙ Show your emotions strongly even if that hurts someone. ∙ Establish your position early. ∙ Have an audience present when you engage someone. ∙ Don't back down—hold your ground no matter what. ∙ If someone attacks you have to fight back. ∙ People who don't engage are weak.

Every conflict takes from from the combination of:

∙ The communicative acts (behaviors) of each person ∙ The meanings (attributions) attached to those acts by each person: Each person's view of self Each person's view of the other Chapter 2 Perspectives on Conflict 63 ∙ The meanings (attributions) the conflict parties ascribe to their relationship: Past events Current events Future projections

Perceptions of and attributions about behaviors are at the heart of the conflict process. Research on attribution theory shows conclusively that we make different attributions about ourselves than about others. Attribution research shows the following:

∙ We try to make sense out of behavior by looking for causes. ∙ We attribute causes of our behavior to external factors (e.g., "I was under extreme time pressure.") ∙ We attribute causes of others' behavior to internal dispositions (e.g., "She always wants her own way.")