Love Actually Final
How is love like a drug?
its a chemical Craving
Dean Ornish The Healing Power of Intimacy
- awareness is the first step to healing b/c loneliness hurts - social support, connection, community all related to a happier and healthier life
Elana Miller
- cancer - love helped heal her - almost impossible to hear in 3 weeks - she was unexpected to survive - close relationships
Dopamine
- feel good drug - rewards
Ryan sex at dawn
- love and attraction comes from adaptations to social conditions - not evolutionary theory - talks about monogamy and polygamy
Fromm love
- love as an art - "it requires knowledge and effort" (page 1). - How you practice love with those around you depends on your approach and understanding of the existential problems of your life and, at the same time, determines the wholeness you will experience as a human being.
Conzolino
- our brain is neuroplastic
Ornish John Hopkins Study
- tested male medical students - was the quality of human relationships a factor of cancer? - looked at relationships with parents
Doidge's term "plastic paradox"
- that the same neuroplastic properties that allow us to change our brains and produce more flexible behaviors can also allow us to produce more rigid ones
Perrel The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy
- transformation from respect --- intimacy - respect----> trust/affection - industrialization and urbanization have separated the home and workplace - in the downfall of domestication and dependence on men as the sole providers, women expect more satisfying emotional connection - "talk intimacy" has created a barrier between couples - focusing too much on verbal communication is not the path to intimacy - performing actions for your love all carry the promise of connection not just talking - actions vs words - social media has left us seeking to supplement our relationships with technological devices and constant communication - Ex. Fiddler on the Roof - Golde, his wife, that he will allow his daughter to marry the man she loved not that was chosen for her - "its a new world" - daily activities weave themselves into a rich tapestry of connection - Eddie and Noriko master nonverbal communication - learn to express love in other ways
Sex blocking Intimacy?
- values - if one was ready/wasn't ready - if it meant different things to different peopl
Mitchell What is required to make love last?
- we kill love - we are scared to lust for and depend too completely on the same person - the real fantasy is our conviction of safety - imagination/fantasy are required to make love last - • Fantasy - in the sense of allowing oneself to percieve things or people as more beautiful or valuable - is a window into a reality beyond the walls of ordinariness • Love can last if you have the courage and imagination for it
"Nugget of Love"
= the heartbreak - love is about missing her - misery - the realities of love - sweet, sad, love that he wants to throw away but you don't want to throw it away - the bad part is when you forget about her
Norman Doidge The Brain that Changes Itself
Freud Psychoanalysis- used to bring unconscious thoughts into the conscious mind through dream therapy - treated people being haunted by important relationships Neuroplastic Therapy - allows us to replicate - transcription function Mr. L - age 26 months is when he lost his mother which was when a childs plasicity is at its height - recurring dreams, with a relatively unchanging structure, often contains memories of trauma - was depressed from past events until psychoanalysis helped him see his past - saw an unknown subject repetitively in mind but couldn't determine what it was - ended up being mother he lost when giving birth to his sister - In his life, he goto upset about his relations with a women - he was previously unfaithful and got divorced - he became sick
Doidge 2 memory systems
Implicit- when we learn a procedure or group of automatic actions- words are not required Explicit- recollecting facts, events, episodes in the memory
Fromm's analysis of the roots of love starts with how he defines
humanity
Doidge - Freud coined the term
mental plasticity - to describe people's capcity for change and recognized that people's overall ability to change seemed to vary
Evolutionary Theory and how that influences love?
o Evolutionary theory can explain love
Self Love Fromm
o Fromm contradicts Freud who says its narcissism • Loving yourself is vital to love others o Self love is needed in order to have other relationships o The West- the union of a group is to unite but also causes selfishness • Conformity vs individuality • Individuals put on a performance to fit in
The Coldest Heart Story
o Leon's life o Mother was NOT "good enough" o Neglected him o He ended up killing someone • Empathy - he could not feel anything at all
Fromm Mother's Love/Attachment Theory
o Mother's love is unconditional- you just hav to be her child o This absolute love shows that there is an evolutionary attachment o Children's lack of attachment from a young age will create a difficulty in attactment and forming any type of connection as they grow up
Synapses
small gaps that separate each neuron - these are filled with substances that interact with one another - this causes each neuron to be shaped by experiences
Fromm's definition of humanity
the moment of defines humanity, which is also humanity's most essential problem: "Man is gifted with reason; he is life being aware of itself; he has awareness of himself, of his fellow man..." (page 6).
Bowlby- Parent love and Attachment
• Attachment theory/evolution • He developed attachment theory • This was an evolutionary survival strategy for protecting the infant from predators • Main conclusion: the infant should experience a close and warm and intimate relationship with mother figure in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment • Children need a "safe base"
Fromm "standing in love"
• Being one's own person while fully loving another. • Lonliness vs solitude - being by oneself, being with oneself
Before Midnight
• flowering of a mood over a period of less than a day between two characters: an American, Jesse, and a Frenchwoman, Celine • light-melancholy romance about two appealing, ambitious twenty-somethings having a one-night stand
Trilogy bigger questions
• knowledge has replaced seduction and its idealizing projections. o Fantasy vs imagination - Mitchell- "imagination play" - painting a fantasy picture in one's mind can create a desire for idealization of an individual o If in their first romantic encounter they asked what they might dislike about each other, then fudged the question, now they are prepared to enumerate •
Sexual Love
- Sexual love is the physical act/feelings correlated with love - love vs commitment
Mirror Neurons- Winnicott
- correlates to the ability to empathize - these neurons are activated when we mirror what we see other people do - learned imitation
Ornish Social Support 3 types
- emotional support (nonverbal) - informational support (access to info/advice) - instrumental support (material or physical assistance)
Lehmiller
- evolutionary theory - our behavior patterns today transformed over evolution (brain)
Ornish Lonleiness vs Alone
- feeling lonely while walking down NYC streets around millions of people - being alone- is physically being alone
Ornish Harvard Mastery of Stress Study
- healthy men were chosen from Harvard to show how they felt about their parents - 35 years later, medical records were obtained by these participants - 91 percent of participants who did not perceive themselves to have had a healthy relationship with mother had serious diagnosed diseases
Fromm What is Love?
- love is not a human or object to be pursued or possessed - love is an art and can be learned but requires knowledge and effort - you practice love
Social Synapse
- neurons influence one another through messengers that are in this space
Mitchell Imagination Play
- painting a fantasy in one's mind can create a desire for idealization of an individual
Siegel 2 changes happen during adolescence
- puberty - we push away from parents and towards friends
Ornish
- quality of relationships is important - social support reflects loving and caring relationships in peoples lives - the more love the more healthy
Neuroplastic
- shaped by our experiences
How does sex foster/improve intimacy?
- sharing vs individual experiences - receiving and giving pleasure
Ainsworth
- studied Bowlby - secure vs insecure attachment (avoidance, resistant, disorganized)
Sex vs Love
- there are many different types of love. - Love generally is subjective; there is no single way of defining it. - Every kind of love depends on the individuals' feelings that are directly involved in that specific relationship. - Love can be romantic, familial, unconditional, unrequited, selfish, material and many more. Love can be one-way and two-way. Love is a concept that many generalize, missing out on the most important facets of the principle.
Doidge Mr. L
- took quickly to free association and analysis - then he thought of the dreams the night before of the unidentified object
Fromm What is Love?
- what deeply-transforming love is not, the author says that people often believe that love is an object (usually a person) to be pursued or possessed. - Fromm writes that, especially in Western societies, "being lovable is essentially a mixture of being popular and having sex appeal" (page 2) - that the two parties who are "falling in love" are operating out of the mindset that they are participating in "a mutually favorable exchange"(page 2). - As time passes, the favorability of this exchange when describing what deeply-transforming love is not, the author says that people often believe that love is an object (usually a person) to be pursued or possessed.
Evolutionary Theory Counterarguments Sex at Dawn - Ryan
- • love and attraction comes from adaptations to social conditions rather than elements of human nature o they are not biologically programmed o they are evidence of the human brains flexibility (neuroplasticity) o Ex. Women and wealth • challenges all conventional views on sex at once by diving deep into our ancestor's sexual history, the rise of monogamy and delivering starting points for thinking over our understanding of what sex and relationships should really look like. • Polygamy is natural b/c of o Agriculture marked the beginning of monogamy - Bad o Women want sex as much as men but are conditioned to play it down o Our bodies have evolved to thrive in sexual competition
Trilogy
But where the earlier two films achieve erotic release, the third keeps veering off into irritable argument, which curiously seems proof that the couple have finally achieved a true intimacy. o How love transforms after having kids o Ethan Hawke's Jesse looks somewhat the worse for wear, scruffy, sloppily dressed, and no longer dewy-cute. o At the end of the final movie, while in Greece • Biggest differences between the couples • Young couple, how they used to be • Only together for a year o Attitude differences between Justine and Celine
Fromm Relates to Plato
Plato says • 3 kinds of humans o male o female o a combo • they are all "matching halves of a human whole" o these humans revolted against the gods causing the gods to split them in half o they attempted to fuse together but it didn't work o this attempt to strive for wholeness displays the immature love
Neuroplasticity
Relational experiences can alter neuronal transcription which can change a neurons anatomical shape and increase the number of synaptic connections they have to other neurons.
Fromm Motherly Love
o Motherly love = unconditional love • Preservation of the child's life and growth • Instilling in the child a love for living which gives him the feeling "it is good to be alive, it is good to be a little boy or girl, it is good to be on this earth!" • "Milk and Honey" concept • Narcissistic element of mother love - complete dependence • Two people who are one separate (opposite of erotic love) • Requires the ability to give everything and to want nothing but the happiness of the loved one • o Fatherly love = conditional love o Mother carries function of making child secure in life o Father has the function of teaching him and guiding him to cope with problems o Synthesis of motherly and fatherly love results in mental health and maturity o Failure of synthesis results in neurosis
Mitchell- can love last? on
o Psychoanalytic theorist o what is required to make love last? • Love doesn't fade on its own, we kill it • We are scared to lust for and depend on the same person • The more you need your partner, the more risk • Instead of committing to the dangerous side for a lifetime, we flatten our romantic partners into something stable (dull) • Mitchell argues that the real fantasy is our conviction of safety o A sort of theatrical backdrop that partners jury rig so that each may avoid what lurks behind the other • Husbands believe their wives are devoted- same women o He places faith in imagination • Upending conventional thought • Fantasy - in the sense of allowing oneself to percieve things or people as more beautiful or valuable - is a window into a reality beyond the walls of ordinariness • Love can last if you have the courage and imagination for it • Romance- a particular sort of love in which there are erotic currents o "imagination play" • painting a fantasy picture in one's mind can create a desire for idealization of an individual o healthy self-love is what allows us to build our confidence in our future endeavors
"Good Enough" concept developed by Winnicott
o focuses on the ordinary mother who makes some mistakes and through these faults, became a better mother o mother should be someone able to depend on , who nurthers, and who is always there for their child o the mother gives child a sense of attachment while also being able to acclimate to inevitable changes o mirror neurons • correlates to the ability to empathize • these neurons are activated when we mirror what we see others do • if a parent does one thing, we do the same
Esther Perrel Talk
o what she talks about in terms of long term desire/love? • Conflict between values and behavior • Faithful for decades, but then they crossed a line and at the risk of losing everything, for a glimmer of what? • When we seek the gaze of another, we are turning away from the person we have become o We are looking for another self • The incompleteness and the ambiguity keeps you wanting what you can't have • We live in an era where we are entitled to pursue our desires • We think we can be happier • If we can divorce, why does someone cheat? o Mating in captivity o an affair- can destroy everything • its so poorly understood o Double standard is as old • Men can cheat women's are just lonely o Infidelity • Threatens self love
Fromm
people fantasize about love because we are innately lonely because of society
Erich Fromm The Art of Loving's thesis
• Fromm presents love as a skill that can be taught and developed. • He rejects the idea of loving as something magical and mysterious that cannot be analyzed and explained, and is therefore skeptical about popular ideas such as "falling in love" or being helpless in the face of love. • Because modern humans are alienated from each other and from nature, we seek refuge from our lonesomeness in romantic love and marriage • He describes the deepest roots of our yearning for love. Understanding these roots makes one's pursuit of love a purposeful effort with a purposeful result, rather than just hoping to win some "love lottery".
Fromm Pseudo Love
• Idolatrous love o Love occurs if an individual has not found their true identity yet o They idolize the loved person - relates to immature love
Fromm Immature vs Mature Love
• Immature love include the ideas of dependency and need • "I love you because I need you" • an individual must have a relationship in order to complete themselves • the need for another being • Relies too much on the partner and creates an unhealthy relationship • also causes a loss of individual self • Mature Love • "I love you because I need you" • Mutual feelings on one sided dependency • 2 selves need each other to form a wholeness • they are independent first • you want one another but you don't need one another
Before Sunrise
• Jesse and Celine have apparently been together ever since he missed his plane to prolong his stay with her at the end of the previous film
What is evolutionary Theory
• Many of our behaviors reflect evolved adaptations • Lehmiller • Our behavior patterns today show our evolutionary patterns and these habits are established b/c of our brain
Siegel- Adolescence- 4 ways to characterize the adolescent brain
• Novelty seeking Increased drive for rewards • Increased emotional intensity Enhanced vitality for life • Creative exploration Questioning the status quo • Social engagement
Evolutionary Theory Counterarguments Cozolino
• Our experiences also play a role • The brain is neuro plastic - changes based on experiences • Child growing up with little nurture- it will hurt love
Dan Siegel- Brainstorm
• Risk and opportunity brain changes • 2 changes happen in human adolescence • puberty hits o changes in hormone levels o sex drive • we push away from our parents -- friendships • Brain changes • During adolescence, there is an increase in the activity using dopamine • Dopamine o Creating our drive for reward o Thrilling/exhilarating experiences • Brains; increased drive manifests in 3 ways o Impulsiveness o Susceptibility to addiction o Hyperrationality - We consider larger context not smaller • Oxytocin • Released while having sex o Forms an attachment o Intensifies feelings • Review talks by ester perrel
Evolutionary Theory and Our Brain
• Synapses are small gaps that separate each neuron • These gaps contain substances that interact with one another • This is what causes every neuron to be shaped by experiences • Neurons influence one another through certain messengers • the specific space filled with these messages is the social synapse • this is where evolutionary processes and relationships take pace, such as families, and friendships • we are a social organ
Fromm's problem with being alone
• The problem, according to the author, is that this awareness creates the understanding of one's separation and isolation from the world and from other human beings. • We are aware of our loneliness therefore we seek out others • Understanding and experiencing this isolation causes deep and painful feelings. • he suggests that love is the answer to this problem of human existence, the only answer that is satisfactory and sane.
Fisher- love like a drug
• The same brain chemicals and pathways are active when in love and on a drug high • These neurotransmitters mainly include dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, norepinephrine o Dopamine • "feel good drug" • reward system o Seratonin • Levels drop when in love
Before Sunset
• The spousal future they had fantasized about and dreaded in the other two movies has arrived. For better or worse, they are a functioning couple. • twin daughters—children change everything—they can no longer con each other, he with his hangdog aw-shucks Texas guile, she with her sexy Nina Simone imitations. • They are stuck with each other—or not.
