PSYC334: Interpersonal Relationships

Reading: (Baum & Critcher, 2020) The costs of not disclosing

Overview • There are costs for Not disclosing. These costs reflect the very one's concealers were hoping to avoid. Misestimations of the costs and blindness to less-daunting means of disclosure may lead concealment to persist. • Individuals pick and choose what information they share and with whom they share. 30% of communication is devoted to informing others of one's personal experiences bc it is often rewarding. Altho certain qualities, like hidden disabilities whose impact one's life it is hard for others to appreciate [3] — may remain intentionally hidden from others. • People avoid disclosing topics that make one look unfavorable, by explicitly declining to answer, or artfully dodging a question • the ironic consequences of non-disclosure, highlighting how a desire to avoid the discomfort and vulnerabilities associated with disclosure can make one susceptible (or even more susceptible) to similar costs! Intrapersonal costs of not disclosing • Disclosure can be the first step in eliciting new insights, perspectives from others, facilitating a shared reality that allows previously privileged info to be viewed thru a new lens • Monitoring one's speech or behavior so as not to reveal privileged info itself heightens the accessibility of that info, making it more likely to slip out in convo • Slepian et al. found ppl spontaneously mind-wander to their secrets even more than they actively conceal them: Such preoccupying secrets were also those deemed most destructive to well-being ‣ merely monitoring speech to inhibit disclosure negatively hinders an individual's subsequent executive functioning ‣ Concealment can also negatively affect mental and physical well-being. Keeping info from others is associated with poorer physical health, stunted psychosocial development, & increased alcohol consumption • Seeking help requires a disclosure - As such, a discomfort with having other ppl know can keep people from having those complications addressed. Those who try to conceal secrets are Likely to delay doctor visits , and are less likely to seek treatment Interpersonal costs of not disclosing • Withholding information from others; Holding info negatively alters how others perceive the self; ‣ individuals who withhold (as opposed to reveal) personal info when directly asked to supply it appears less trust-worthy and are subsequently evaluated more neg (this is active non-disclosure); ‣ Passive non-disclosure is the concealment of info in the absence of direct inquiry; passive non-disclosure occurs when one diner decides to avoid certain topics (e.g. not initiating a convo about drugs). • Although, the knowledge that one is alone with this info can make that info more likely to pop back into one's mind, thereby fostering feelings of fatigue and social isolation. In short, quietly keeping information from others can have its own negative consequences. The paradox of (non-)disclosure • Considering sharing one's worries/ struggles may evoke concerns about others responding w discomfort, scrutiny, or cynicism. BUT: Disclosure is rarely as awkward or damaging as ppl forecast. Opening up has been shown to proceed more smoothly than expected, offering feedback, or even expressing appreciation ‣ individuals routinely overestimate the extent to which others judge them harshly ‣ disclosures are themselves noteworthy displays of honesty and genuineness; recipients may have respect for the discloser's gutsy act; disclosures are given less weight in impressions and construed as positive acts more so than disclosers realize. • explicitly declining to reveal info to others can foster the very neg consequences that one would hope to avoid by not disclosing. ‣ Non-disclosers often fail to realize that keeping one blemish out of the light creates a broader cloud of suspicion. • Also, there are many ways to disclose info to others. ‣ a disclosure does not need to occur face-to-face in a private moment in vulnerable settings —with no escape routes. But sending a private message to a friend's social media account can be a good, easier substitute ‣ disclosing to one person at a time is — quite literally — painfully inefficient. ‣ although ppl are generally uncomfortable publicly posting neg high-intimacy disclosures to social media, they may feel more comfortable joining a public online group or community that indirectly signals the same thing

The other steps/course of conflict

Once instigating event happens, we... • Engagement/Engage ‣ or choose Avoidance (we choose avoidance if the event is insufficient to warrant a dispute or we see It as something that cant be changed) ‣ Escalation (if we do choose to engage, It may escalate, where partners start treating each other with hostility) » Negative affect reciprocity (conflict becomes harmful when we come into this pattern. When ppl trade negative provocations and insults back and forth, and this leads to emotional flooding) » Flooding (when we become overwhelmed with high arousal and strong emotion. The only thing we can do after this is to take a break/pause) • Demand/withdrawal patterns (another problematic pattern in conflict. Exacerbate probs too. One partner approaches probs and the other avoid It. The person who approaches (the demander) becomes insistent and the withdrawer becomes more resistant. When change is possible but is being resisted, or ignored by the other person, the demander ends up being disregarded and misunderstood, reducing relationship satisfaction) • Negotiation and accommodation (In this pattern, the couple works towards a solution in a healthy manner - attentive, optimistic, valuing each other, adopting a future orientation where both can be happy; accommodation is helpful skill where partners react in a calm way so they don't let themselves become riled up with an upsetting statement. Couples who can tolerate occasional provocation from each other tend to be happier than those who always bite back)

Self disclosure: How it develops

Social penetration theory (Altman & Taylor, 1973) • Steps to intimacy ‣ Relationships develop thru systematic changes in communication. ‣ When we first meet someone we start with impersonal/superficial stuff (ie whats your major); ‣ If convo is rewarding, we move closer by increasing two aspects of communication -- the Breadth (variety of topics discussed) & Depths (the personal significant of topics) ‣ sooo Intimacy develops as a function of: » Breadth » Depth » Rewards Interpersonal process model (Reis & Shaver, 1988) • Steps to intimacy: ‣ Engaging in meaningful self-disclosure (authentic, open, honest) ‣ Emphasizes that our disclosures should be received/responded to with interest, empathy, and respect ‣ If our partner is seen as being responsive, trust develops, disclosure depends, and intimacy increases; BUT if they seem uninterested, we back off and disclosure decreases ‣ We must perceived that our partner responsiveness is understanding and caring

Reading: (Colino, 2021) The friendship checkup: How to reevaluate relationships and take steps to repair them.

• "bad friendships are bad for us," both physically and emotionally. ‣ Negative/competitive social interactions are associated with increased inflammation in the body. ‣ Research found that negative interactions with friends were linked with increases in blood pressure among older women. ‣ Psychological research found that friendships that have a negative emotional valence (ie frequent conflicts) can compromise someone's self-esteem. ‣ studies have found that negative interactions with friends (ie being on the receiving end of critical behavior, privacy invasions, social undermining or failure to deliver promised help) can take a toll on mood, morale and other aspects of psychological well-being. • We need to start recognizing friendships like we do with romantic relationships - they too need active maintenance ‣ Friendship maintenance includes assessing whether a particular friendship is healthy and rewarding or detrimental to your sense of well-being • Evaluating a friendship and taking action ‣ "The mark of a good friendship is it makes us feel good about ourselves and we get a sense of belonging," ‣ Ask yourself when you spend time with a friend: Do I feel good about myself afterward? Does this person make me feel like I'm understood or do they get where I'm coming from? ‣ When you're not getting what you want or need from a particular friendship, you'll want to decide whether to address the issue, let it slide or dial back the friendship. • If you choose to address the issues directly, Yager recommends asking yourself: What do I want to get out of this? Do I want to engage in a back-and-forth dialogue about these issues? ‣ Once you're clear about your goals and willingness to have a dialogue, the first step is to validate the connection between the two of you and be clear that you're bringing this up because you value your friendship ‣ Then, "focus on the dynamic — what you find working versus not working — and invite the other person's input." » TIPS: Describe what you're observing or experiencing, using statements that begin with the word "I." Then, listen to what the friend says. » » If they react poorly, you may need to consider whether this is more of a situational issue because your friend is going through a tough time, or whether it's a personality issue. "Sometimes you may need to acknowledge that's how someone is, and if you're not comfortable with their pproach or style, it's important to realize you're not going to change the person" • A friend is often critical of you or puts you down. ‣ "It may be that the friend is feeling self-critical and projecting that onto you" » you could say: I feel like our conversations often veer into put-downs or one-upmanship, and I don't like that. Or: I've noticed you've been a bit short or sarcastic with me. Is it something I did? » Start with an observation of what you've noticed, then ask what's going on. Once the issue is on the table, you can express your desire for support rather than critiques. • The friendship doesn't involve a healthy amount of give and take, and you feel as if you make more of an effort. ‣ Research has found that although the vast majority of people expect reciprocity in friendships, nearly half of these relationships are not reciprocal. ‣ There isn't a perfect balance sheet but it should feel equal in the sense that everyone is getting their needs met, even if it's in different ways." » "avoid overgeneralization with phrases like 'you always' or 'you never.' Instead, you might say: I feel like I make more of an effort in our friendship. What can we do to restore the balance in this relationship? • A friend doesn't respect boundaries the way you'd like them to. ‣ Simply state: I'm not comfortable talking about that. ‣ Sometimes, we tend to overestimate the extent to which we've set a boundary. In our minds, we know what we're comfortable with, but we don't always communicate that as clearly as we think we do." If your friend still doesn't get the message, keep repeating it as necessary. » It's also important to be clear with friends about what information you consider confidential or private. "Some people might see personal information as more personal than others do," • When you don't want to repair a friendship ‣ If these strategies don't help fix your friendship, or you've decided not to try repairing what's gone wrong, it's time to consider dialing back the relationship in some way ‣ Options include choosing to spend less time with that friend, contacting them less frequently or only seeing them in a group of people. » you can keep the door open for the future — if you'd like to. It's fine, however, to simply decide the friendship has run its course and no longer serves your needs. ‣ If you decide to end a relationship, don't ghost the person. One possibility is to have a candid conversation about why the friendship isn't working for you anymore while also expressing gratitude for what you've shared in the past.

Reading Interracial attraction among college men: The influence of ideologies, familiarity, and similarity (Brooks & Neville, 2017)

• Abstract ‣ Ppl were more attracted to women of the same race; ‣ Those who accepted more a multicultural ideology belief were associated w increased interracial attraction. White men with greater color-blind racial ideology were predictive of a decrease in interracial romantic attraction. ‣ Those with increased interracial contact for Black men were associated with an increase in same-race attraction • About the Study ‣ Interracial relationships are: intimate partnerships & microcosms of intergroup interactions ‣ Romantic attraction occurs at Its earliest stage of a relationship as Its a type of liking that can be influenced by a partner's prior beliefs and attitudes ‣ They studied men as research shows they are more likely to date a person of a dif race than women ‣ Similarity (i.e., likeness with another) & familiarity (i.e., contact and knowledge of another) in relationships influence attraction we are drawn to those who share our qualities, values, goals, weight, and even last name ‣ Having similarities in racial groups is a predictor of attraction. However, this bias can be lessened if we consider the other factors of attraction such as how familiar one is with another person ‣ Being physically close to one or near another person can lead to an increase in attraction; Repeated exposure to members of diff races may lead to an increased attraction and willingness to date, as overall liking toward the group increases ‣ Its found that increases in network racial/ethnic diversity of friends were associated with significant increases in interracial dating. ‣ hierarchy-enhancing ideologies: promote or continue the separation of groups based on race; These maintain a social structure that privileges Whites over POC ‣ Hierarchy-attenuating ideologies: Promote justice, fairness, and equity challenge the race-based social structure. ‣ Hierarchy-enhancing ideologies are likely to lead to opposition toward interracial relationships, among White individuals, whereas hierarchy-attenuating relationships are unlikely to challenge such unions. » conservative Whites were less willing to date a Black partner & more willing to date a White partner than their liberal counterparts ‣ argued that political conservatism is associated with greater opposition to interracial relationships bc political conservatism maintains existing group separation and dominance. ‣ Its said that ones racial beliefs/ideology should influence one's comfort with interracial dating: » Color-blind racial ideology (CBRI) conjures images of a fair society in which race is not a factor in people's lived experiences bc race should not and does not matter. CBRI espouses the belief that race does not matter, & this endorses the hierarchal structure in the same way that social dominance orientation and political conservatism do. This perpetuates group separation & the subordination of POC by denying the impact of race in society » we expect greater endorsement of CBRI to be linked to lower levels of interracial attraction the same as overt racism might be linked ‣ Multiculturalism is a hierarchy-attenuating ideology; it emphasizes equality across group membership; has positive eval of differences & emphasis on equality suggests that higher endorsements of multi-culturalism may be associated with increased interracial attraction. ‣This paper examined the influence of similarity (with race serving as a proxy), familiarity (i.e., contact persons of a different race), and intergroup ideologies (i.e., CBRI and multi-culturalism) on Black and White men's feelings of attraction • Materials: Participants responded to 8 dating profiles of diff women. They saw the same pictures of one Asian woman, three Black women, one Latina, and three White women (Asian and Latina women were fillers, not evaluated) • Measures: participants completed the measure of attraction after each of the eight profiles; To examine interracial contact (familiarity), they were asked to indicate the racial/ ethnic backgrounds of their current friends on a scale; interracial contact was obtained using the relevant Black or White responses of each participant. ‣ For ideologies: participants completed the Color-Blind Racial Attitudes Scale ‣ Multiculturalism: measured their endorsement of multiculturalism, the Multicultural Ideology (MCI) scale ‣ participants who did not identify as Black or White heterosexual men were omitted from the analysis • Results: ‣ Of those who responded about their dating history 54 participants (43.5%) indicated that they were currently or had previously been in an interracial romantic relationship. ‣ Among White men, MCI (multiculture) scores were pos associated with attraction toward Black women. A small pos relationship was found betw interracial contact and romantic attraction toward Black women. Higher CoBRAS (colorblind) scores were found to have small neg associations with attraction toward Black women. Among Black men, a small positive relationship was found betw MCI scores and attraction toward White women. ‣ Analyses indicated moderate Grand attraction toward both Black and White women in the study ‣ Main analysis found: that men reported greater romantic attraction when viewing the profile of a woman of their same race compared to the profile of a woman of a different race. ‣ that among White men, contact was associated with greater interracial attraction but was not a significant predictor of intraracial attraction. Conversely, among Black men, greater interracial contact was associated with greater intraracial attraction. In essence, the more interracial contact that White men reported, the weaker their preference in race context. However, the more interracial contact Black men reported, the greater their preference in race context ‣ Conversely, among Black men, greater CBRI was associated with less attraction toward women of their own race; CBRI was a neg predictor of interracial romantic attraction among White men but did not predict greater interracial attraction in Black men ‣ MCI was a positive predictor for both relationship types. However, the MCI was a slightly stronger influencer for interracial attraction. •Conclusion: ‣ Found that race does matter in romantic attraction. Whether its: contact with people of a different race, racial similarity or your racial ideologies ‣ Findings were consistent with the research on CBRI indicating an association betw CBRI and racial prejudice and racism ‣ While CBRI was associated with less interracial romantic attraction among White men, among Black men it had no impact on attraction toward women of a different race ‣ MCI was found to increase and not hinder one's attraction toward someone of a different race is a significant contribution to the field ‣ Crucial next steps for research could include examining predictors of racial ideologies.

Reading: (Petty, 2020) Therapist Client Intersectionality

• Abstract ‣ We know the therapeutic alliance has positive; however, literature is lacking on how the intersection of therapist and client identities influences this process. ‣ similarities or differences in therapist and client identities has the potential to impact the bonds, tasks, and goals of treatment, depending on how it is addressed or avoided in therapy. Therapists can navigate these convos in a way that is therapeutically beneficial and culturally sensitive and attuned. ‣we also need to train new student therapists (or expose experienced therapists) to the ideas of intersectionality and social justice by reflecting on the intersection of their own identities, acknowledging dynamics of power and oppression, and understanding how this could shape their relationship with clients. • Introduction on Therapeutic Alliance ‣ The therapeutic alliance (i.e., the relationship between and therapist) has been identified as a crucial common factor in producing positive clinical outcomes. ‣ In operationalizing the therapeutic alliance, Bordin (1979) proposed that it includes three key components: the bonds between client and therapist, including the client's level of emotional safety and comfort in treatment; the tasks executed through therapy and whether the client finds these activities beneficial; and the extent to which therapist and client goals align with one another. Notably, it is client perceptions of the alliance (as opposed to those of the therapist) that account for the most variance in treatment satisfaction ‣Each member of the alliance brings in their own unique identities which intersect thru the process of therapy, producing a cluster of worldviews, cultures, and life experiences that may not align. We argue that therapist and client identities which differ from one another can serve as a barrier to deeper therapeutic bonds ‣ This may be particularly pronounced in cases where the therapist and client are subject to differing degrees of social marginalization or oppression in relation to their identity (ie people of color have higher levels of mistrust in therapy) ‣ Despite potential challenges, we assert that any intersection of therapist and client(s) identities can result in positive ther- apy outcomes if the therapist is trained and willing to facilitate a dialogue at the right time, and in the right way, in order to address notable differences. • Introduction on Intersectionality ‣ intersectionality:"an individual's exposure to the multiple, simultaneous, and interactive effects of different types of social organization and their experiences related to prejudice and power or societal oppression" ‣ These identities come together (intersect) to form one's social location, which determines the power and privilege an individual is afforded based on one's relative position in society and history ‣ Based on the theory of intersectionality and the history of race relations, Black women face challenges in navigating Western society which many white women do not because of the privilege white people are afforded. Further, Black women who identify as lesbian may possess less social power than Black women who are heterosexual, due to the added negative stigma that persists toward people in LGBTQ+ populations ‣ people who identify as cisgender are privileged in relation to people who identify as transgender, as evidenced by the high rates of violence, discrimination, and lack of legal protections for individuals who are transgender ‣ Legalized citizens born in the United States occupy a position of privilege compared to immigrants, as they are immune to threats of detention or deporta- tion which documented and undocumented immigrants can be subject to »A visual depiction of intersectionality cannot capture the lived experiences, power differentials, or structural inequalities which underlie the social positions of all people. • Intersection of Therapist/Client IDs and the Therapeutic Alliance ‣ Therapeutic relationships consist of a highly educated trained professional with knowledge of therapy, interfacing with clients from varying backgrounds who are seeking help. The therapist isIin a position of greater privilege. ‣ Other aspects of intersectionality affect the therapeutic relationship, stemming from differences in therapist and client social locations. For example, a white therapist is "doubly empowered" by race and professional position with clients of color, while a therapist of color is empowered by only the therapist's position. In instances where the therapist possesses multiple dimensions of marginalized identities (such as a female therapist of color), working with a client from a more dominant social position (such as a white male) may lead to the dynamic feeling "flipped" in the room, where the client is perceived to hold greater power despite the therapist's professional position ‣ Alliances become even more complex in couple and family therapy when multiple ppl participate in treatment. Therapists must consider the intersection of their identity with each individual person in the room, and consider the interaction of each client's identity with other family members as well • Bonds, Tasks, and Goals - BONDS ‣ Bordin (1979) operationalized the alliance by breaking it down into three components: the bonds, tasks, and goals. ‣ Therapeutic bonds are characterized by the trust and attachment that must occur betw therapist and clients to allow for deep, meaningful work to occur in therapy ‣ Clients cannot feel fully seen, understood, or accepted until certain dimensions of power are worked through, giving the clients space to discuss any apprehension or discomfort in relation to the therapist's identity. Without fostering this safety, it may be increasingly difficult to maintain a positive emotional connection and foster a healthy bond. Progress in treatment is negatively impacted when therapists make hurtful remarks, take an authoritarian stance in session, do not listen, stay quiet or unresponsive, notably differ from client in personality, or appear distant and untrustworthy ‣ Therapists who are unaware of different dimensions of the clients' identity may be more likely to engage in microaggressions, or at least fail to be respectful about topics that may be sensitive to the client. There are incidents involving therapist avoidance of culturally relevant conversations, or subscribing to common cultural stereotypes without asking clients about their own unique experiences ‣ Therapists who avoid or do not bring up notable differences in privilege may come off as more authoritarian, unresponsive, unwilling to listen, or untrustworthy to clients who feel unsafe or uncomfortable in the therapy room based on the existing power structure ‣ More socially privileged clients may be unsure how to navigate this "flipped" power structure. For example, a white male client meeting with a female Muslim therapist who wears a hijab may feel apprehensive being open or honest about his experiences or opinions until this power dynamic is addressed more directly. ‣ Clients may also struggle to feel they can emotionally connect with or be helped by their therapist if they do not share certain characteristics or experiences. Therapists and clients will never come from the exact same positionality; therefore, it is crucial that therapists provide a safe space for clients to express any concerns they might have about differences. This will serve to deepen the bond and increase trust. ‣ This issue may be especially prominent with identities that can be outwardly identified, such as gender or race; however, clients may make assumptions about other pieces of the therapist identity through their office decor, the clothes they wear, or things they bring up in conversation. • Bonds, Tasks, and Goals - TASKS ‣ Tasks: are activities used to treat the presenting problem, and these can impact the alliance based on how well the clients feel the interventions fit with their presenting issue, style, and needs ‣ Therapists may not have a clear understanding of what meaningful tasks look like without having an explicit conversation about client identity to gain a better idea of what therapy means to them, how they conceptualize their presenting issue, and the path they deem as relevant toward healing. ‣ therapists who do not ask about client experiences and perspectives may encounter resistance, see lack of progress, or have clients drop out due to discomfort or lack of confidence with the tasks presented. Opening a discussion about tasks as they relate to client identity can be as simple as stating "From my Western- ized therapy training, I believe [treatment approach] would be most helpful to you; however, I'd value understanding your perspective on what could be helpful, in case your experiences differ from mine." ‣ having a convo on the topic provides therapists with an opportunity to present their perspective, speak from their clinical training, provide a rationale for tasks offered, and hopefully gain buy-in from the client. This also allows clients to feel heard, validated, and understood and, through this, believe that their identity is valued in the therapy room. • Bonds, Tasks, and Goals - GOALS ‣ The goals of therapy should be established through mutual collaboration of therapist and clients in a way that fosters a positive alliance. Client goals in therapy are largely impacted by how they grew up, things they have experienced in life, and how they view their problems. ‣ Therapists and clients who have dissimilar intersectional identities may propose dif- fering goals for treatment. ‣ ie: A heterosexual therapist treating a gay client for distress related to coming out to his family. Arguably, many trained family therapists might set their own goal of working to strengthen the attachment bonds betw the client and his family in order to gain their support and acceptance. This client, however, (having a much a better understanding of their own family dynamics and beliefs about the LGBTQ+ community) may instead want to focus on detaching from his parents, hiding his sexual orientation, and strengthening bonds with his family of choice. ‣ Ideally, a safe therapy environment would lead to an honest conversation about these different possible goals and would allow the client to feel even more certain about what he would like to accomplish in therapy. • APPROACHING THERAPEUTIC CONVERSATIONS ON INTERSECTIONALITY - Self assessment questions ‣ Assessing how much understanding or experience the therapist has with certain client identities is important because it has the potential to impact the conceptualization of treatment. ‣ therapists who are not competent to treat certain issues should be willing to educate themselves further, or be aware of local resources to where the client could be referred. ‣ Which path the therapist decides to take hinges largely on the next question about how comfortable or uncomfortable they feel in addressing aspects of the clients' identities. A therapist who feels comfortable, curious, and open to expanding their worldview is an ideal candidate for having these conversations. However, therapists should be honest with themselves about their levels of discomfort with certain issues. ‣ its important for therapists to ask themselves what aspects of the client's intersectionality (and related dynamics of social oppression) are involved in the conceptualization of the presenting problem. While every aspect of a person's identity is an important part of who they are and how they experience the world, every part may not be relevant to therapeutic treatment depending on the presenting problem, and therefore may not need to be explicitly addressed. For example, if a woman who uses a wheelchair initiated services with an able-bodied therapist to address her grief over the recent loss of her husband, it could feel disrespectful and off-topic for a therapist to spend time trying to initiate a conversation about these ability differences • APPROACHING THERAPEUTIC CONVERSATIONS ON INTERSECTIONALITY - How to Structure Conversations about Intersectionality ‣Conversations about intersectionality betw therapist and clients may become relevant at any point throughout treatment. For some clients, this conversation needs to happen up front during the "joining" process to address differences in perspective and power in the room. The need for this may be indicated by clients appearing resistant/quiet in sessions or seeming anxious while discussing certain aspects of their identity (e.g., experiences with racial discrimination or their romantic relationship with a same sex partner). Other clients may open the door later in treatment when revisiting past experiences, or when external events occur and weigh on them emotionally ‣These conversations to be helpful when they intersect with relevant sociopolitical events which negatively impact clients with marginalized identities (e.g., addressing rhetoric about "illegal immigration" and "building the wall" with Hispanic clients). For other clients, this conversation may not naturally come up. ‣ We encourage therapists to think critically about whether the client does not wish to discuss identity issues, or if they simply feel uncomfortable initiating the conversation themselves. ‣Using clinical judgment by gauging the client's reactions to this disclosure, therapists should follow up with questions that would help them conceptualize how the client's intersectionality may influence the presenting problem, and what the client views as valuable tasks and goals to pursue in therapy. "You mentioned to me at the beginning of therapy that you have struggled with anxiety, and now we are having this conversation regarding your stress and frustration being a Muslim in the U.S. This might be a bold assumption, but I am curious, maybe part of the anxiety you experience is related to your identity as a Muslim woman in the U.S.? I might be completely wrong, but if you feel my assumption might make sense, can you help me understand that?" • APPROACHING THERAPEUTIC CONVERSATIONS ON INTERSECTIONALITY - Training and Supervision ‣ Instead of attempting to convey textbook knowledge on various aspects of diversity or specific dimensions of intersectionality, we encourage training programs to adopt an approach that trains students in the presented model: to remain curious, take a stance of cultural humility, and explore ow their own intersectionality influences that of their clients ‣ Integrate the concept of intersectionality throughout the curriculum. Having newbies engage in ongoing self-reflection throughout the training process is necessary to develop sensitivity and competency on issues of intersectionality. ‣ Supervisors should integrate convos on intersectionality during case consults by being culturally sensitive, modeling cultural humility, and educating themselves on issues of diversity in therapy. • POTENTIAL CHALLENGES ‣ The use of self-disclosure in therapeutic relationships as one of the most complicated relationship variables, and for this reason, therapists should enter these conversations with caution and careful planning. ‣ Therapists should be careful to ensure that all elements of self-disclosure are clinically relevant to the given context. Therapists who share more than necessary may make the client uncomfortable, or end up turning the focus of the session onto themselves rather than the client.

Reading: (Wegner et al., 2018) Attachment, relationship communication style and the use of jealousy induction techniques in romantic relationships

• Abstract/ Introduction ‣ Insecurely attached individuals are more likely to try to induce jealousy in their partners ‣ Research more consistently links anxious attachment styles with jealousy induction, compared to avoidant attachment. ‣ Fearfully attached (fearful-avoidant) individuals are more likely to indicate an aggressive communication style and this is linked to greater jealousy induction; whereas, preoccupied (anxious preoccupied) individuals are more likely to use a non-assertive communication style and this is linked to greater jealousy induction. ‣ The majority of young adults use jealousy induction to: test the closeness or strength of the relationship, bolster one's own self-esteem, and punish a partner. Individuals, for a desire to strengthen the relationship and enhance one's sense of security about the status of the relationship; Those who are more attentive to, concerned with, and invested in their relationship are more likely to induce jealousy in their partner, as are individuals who report a high need for control in their romantic relationships ‣ Men and women attempt to elicit jealousy in their partners by talking about past or current relationships, flirting with other people, lying about the existence of a rival, or engaging in dating or sexual behaviors with others; ‣ Fleischmann et al. (2005) suggest that individuals who are more likely to feel jealous and suspicious of infidelity in their own relationships are also more likely to use jealousy induction to boost their confidence and self-esteem. ‣ Individuals with insecure attachment styles, particularly those who are preoccupied with how much others value them, and fearful that others will not reciprocate their desired level of intimacy, are more likely to experience feelings of jealousy whereas, individuals with secure (i.e., comfortable with intimacy and autonomy) and dismissing (i.e., avoidant of intimacy and preference for in- dependence) attachment styles are the least likely to report jealousy within their romantic relationships. Thus, research suggests that individuals with attachment styles that are high in dependence on others (i.e., preoccupied and fearful) are the most consistently linked to experiencing jealousy. ‣ Communication styles (Cs): Avoidantly attached individuals are less assertive and more aggressive in their relationship; Believing that disagreements in the relationship are destructive to the relationship in part explains why anxiously attached individuals also report more aggressive relationships; Finally, individuals who are particularly sensitive to rejection are more likely to self-silence than individuals who are less sensitive to rejection Individuals who self-silence inhibit their self-expression and actions to avoid conflict in their relationships • About the Study/ Methods/Measures ‣ Participants rated the extent to which all four attachment styles (i.e., secure, pre- occupied, fearful and dismissing) and all four relationship CSs described them (i.e., self-silencing, aggressive, assertive, and nonassertive) on Likert scales. ‣ They hypothesized that fearful attachment would be more strongly related to the aggressive CS, and this would i be related to higher levels of jealousy induction. For preoccupied individuals, their sense of self is more closely tied to maintaining their relationship and they experience greater fear of losing their relationship. Thus, we expected the preoccupied style would be more strongly related to self- silencing and nonassertive CSs, which would in turn be related to higher levels of jealousy induction. Securely attached and dismissing individuals experience the lowest levels of jealousy in their relation- ships and report low levels of fear, envy or embarrassment when their partners are physically or emotionally close with others. we anticipated that secure attachment style would be positively related to the assertive CS, but that this would be unrelated to jealousy induction. ‣ They measured them on Romantic jealousy induction scale, The relationship questionnaire, Intimate relationships questionnaire (measure the propensity of being aggressive, assertive, and nonassertive in intimate relationships), and Silencing the self scale • Results ‣ Men and women did significantly differ in their relationship CSs. On average, men reported significantly higher levels of self-silencing and nonassertive relationship communication compared to women ‣ On average, women reported significantly higher levels of aggressive and assertive relationship communication compared to men ‣ Of the attachment styles, only the preoccupied style was significantly positively correlated with jealousy induction. The secure style was not significantly correlated to any of the four relationship CSs. The fearful style was only significantly positively correlated to the aggressive CS. The preoccupied and dismissing styles were significantly positively correlated with the self-silencing and nonassertive CSs, but unrelated to others. • Discussion ‣ Fearful individuals were more likely to use an aggressive CS, and this was linked to jealousy induction. Preoccupied individuals were more likely to use a nonassertive CS, and this was linked to jealousy induction. ‣ Fearful individuals need others to help boost their self-esteem, but they often find others to be less responsive than they would like. They are more prone to feeling jealous themselves and are sensitive to rejection. Together, this may contribute to a greater likelihood of making demands of one's potential or actual partner. ‣ Research suggest that fearful individuals engage in a demand/withdraw pattern of communication. It is possible that jealousy induction is a component of the withdrawal process (e.g., moving on before one's partner can) or attempts to punish one's partner for not meeting their needs. On the other hand, pre-occupied individuals want to maximize their closeness with a partner, therefore they would be unlikely to use an aggressive approach, which could potentially push away their partner. Preoccupied individuals may use jealousy induction as a means to test the relationship and enhance self-esteem.

Reading: Marshall et al. (2020) - The quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships in transgender people: A systematic review of the literature.

• Abstract: ‣ There is not enough knowledge about romantic relationships for trans folks and their partners, and the impact of gender-affirming transition on their relationships. They reviewed the available literature to examine the quality and satisfaction in the individual and partner relationships. ‣ Qualitative studies suggest transition can cause personal challenges for both transgender individuals and partners; Due to additional challenges transgender individuals and their partners may face, adequate support is required at personal, community, and clinical levels. • About the Study: ‣ About half of romantic relationships for transgender individuals survive thru gender-affirming transition. The quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships can be affected by diff factors such as age, individual's self-esteem, personality, attachment type, among others ‣ Within the transgender population, research has shown that treatment seeking transgender ppl report high levels of mental health probs (ie anxiety, depression) & lower quality of life, often experience stigma and discrimination ‣ stigma and discrimination experienced due to being a minority group m ay lead to negative self- appraisals and poor health outcomes. Minority stressors may also impact on transgender individuals' relationships and social life ‣ transgender individuals at all stages of transition (medical and social) report difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Transgender individuals may face challenges within several diff aspects of relationships, including finding partners, disclosing to partners, and maintaining relationships • Methods: ‣ An electronic literature search was conducted betw January 1966 and January 2020. Gathered a final sample of 14, used eligibility criteria to assess the appropriateness of the studies. ‣ To assess risk of bias in the qualitative studies an instrument adapted from the Critical Appraisal Skills Program (CASP) Qualitative Research Checklist (2018) was used • Results/Findings: ‣ The Studies Characteristics: The oldest research article found in this area was published in 2006; The majority of the studies were qualitative in nature, most using interviews; Qualitative studies explored the relationship experiences during the gender transition and the impact gender transition has on the relationship and the individuals involved. » The quantitative approach employs questionnaire & the majority of them focused on relationship and individual factors influenced by the gender transition; some assessed factors associated with relationship stability, quality and satisfaction during the transition; » Most of the studies were concerned with the quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships for transgender individuals; ome authors focused on the quality and satisfac- tion of the relationship for partners ‣ The Quantitative Findings: Maier and Collegaues (2013) focused on the stability of relationships throughout the gender transition as a measure of relationship quality and satisfaction; w a sample of 593 transgender men, they reported half of the relationships do survive thru gender transition. For the relationships that were not maintained, 54% of the participants reported transition was the reason for the breakup. The authors also reported those in a relationship report lower levels of depression compared to single participants. Altho, this study sample came from US and cultural differences betw treatment pathways and society acceptance mean that it is difficult to generalize these results worldwide. ALSO, bc only included transgender men only, relationship stability thru gender-affirming transition for transgender women and any potential gender differences remains unknown. » Gamarel and colleagues (2014) reported couples to experience specific minority stressors within their relationships and this negatively affected the relationship quality and mental health for both the transgender individual and the partner. The findings suggest the impact of minority stress on relationship quality occurs on both an individual and dyadic level, whereby partners who had experienced higher minority stress predicted lower relationship quality for their partner. HOWEVER, the cross-sectional design of this means that the authors are unable to determine causality between minority stress and relationship quality. » Platt 2020 explored predicting variables of relationship commitment and relationship satisfaction for cisgender individuals partnered with a self-identified transgender individual and found personal resilience and the number of years in the relationship prior to transition. Both these variables were associated with relationship satisfaction and relationship satisfaction » When comparing transgender relationships (defined as a transgender man and cisgender women by the authors), with a cisgender, heterosexual couple, Kins and colleagues (2008) reported no difference in relationship satisfaction. These findings suggest transition does not have an impact on relationship satisfaction, however, there is concern regarding the sample used in this study. » Gamarel and colleagues (2019) expanded their findings from their 2014 research, using relationship commitment as their outcome measure for transgender relationships, and examined the associations between interpersonal stigma, psychological distress, and relationship commitment for transgender couples. Used the Commitment subscale for the Triangular Theory of Love Scale, the participants showed no difference in the reported level of relationship commitment between transgender individuals and partners. Couples showed relationship commitment can reduce the associations between interpersonal stigma and psychological distress. This finding was only significantly shown for the transgender individual only, not their partner, thus suggesting the impact of relationship commitment on an individual's well-being differs betw transgender women and their cisgender male partners. ‣ The Qualitative Findings: In the only qualitative study that researched couples together, Alegria (2010) explored the relational dynamics that help to sustain relationships for transgender women and their cisgender female partners; reported it can be very challenging for couples to navigate feelings and their sexual identities in addition to experiencing difficulties with making decisions about transition; to deal with these challenges, and reduce the negative impact onto their level of satisfaction with the relationship, the couples described the importance of communication, self-talk and forming strong personal networks. These maintenance activities helped buffer the neg impact of the challenges, and help to improve overall satisfaction w the relationship. However, all of the couples in the study had been together a long- time & findings may be different for couples who have been together for shorter time or are not married » Hines (2006) found emotional honesty and to be an important part of the relationship experience for transgender individuals. Participants reported that often the intimate aspects of the relationship ended but their caring and closeness with each other continued which helped maintain the quality and satisfaction within their relationships. There was a lack of diversity within the study and so the findings cannot be drawn wider » Iantaffi and Bockting (2011) carried out a large mixed-methods study in the USA. Participants discussed the difficulties within their relationship were predominantly due to heteronormative discourses and binary constructs within society. The participants' perceived rigid gender role beliefs subsequently had a negative impact on their own self-esteem, which in turn impacted their level of satisfaction with the relationship. Although, the participants were recruited for interviews through self-referral which may evoke selection bias. » Platt and Bolland (2017) reported similar findings to previous studies with participants discussing the challenges of disclosure and the gender binary system within society. They found participants also discussed the feeling of wanting to live an authentic life and the importance of communication, compromise and work required within the relationship. These relatively novel themes provide info for the positives possible from the relationship as well as how transgender individuals may be best supported with their relationships, thus adding to the understanding of relationship quality and satisfaction for transgender individuals ‣ Additional Findings: several studies looking at the impact of transition at an individual level. Pfeffer (2008) found that participants reported their partner's transition often led to their own internal questioning around sexuality and identity and affected their body image. The transgender individual's body image generally improves thru the transition process (Owen-Smith et al., 2018) it is surprising the partner's body image can also be affected but It may be caused by an increased awareness for the partner about their own body. » Also found internal questioning and exploration of identity to be an important part of the relationship experience for Joslin-Roher and Wheeler (2009) study. the participants discussed many different aspects of the relationship that impacted their own well-being and level of satisfaction within the relationship. These aspects included understanding their own sexuality and using external labels for their sexuality, changes within sexual intimacy and support and reactions form others. ALSO, the participants described often taking on a caretaking role which they often found challenging. » Conclusion: generally transition poses challenges to both the transgender individual and the partner which negatively impacts the level of relationship quality and satisfaction. However, the findings show there are maintenance techniques such as communication and support networks that individuals can use to buffer against this impact and help maintain and potentially improve relationship quality and satisfaction. » It appears these challenges impact on an individual level first by affecting personal wellbeing and causing internal questioning, which then impacts on the perceived level of quality and satisfaction of the relationship. » Meier and colleagues (2013) suggested being in a relationship during transition can help improve overall well-being for transgender individuals and thus show the importance of partner support for improving transgender individuals' wellbeing.

Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships

• Adult Romantic Attachment Survey (Hazan & Shaver, 1987) ‣ Attachment styles can be observed in adult relationships too ‣ Most ppl (~60%) were relaxed and comfortable depending on others - "Secure" » They remembered their parents are loving and supportive ‣ Substantial minority (~40%) were "Insecure" » They found It difficult to trust and depend on their partners » Nervously worried that their relationships wouldn't last » Viewed others with uncertainty and distrust; remembered their parents as inconsistent or cold

Tips for Managing conflict

• Approach, don't withdraw (don't get defensive) •Be willing to concede/compromise •Ask yourself, what can I do differently? Don't just focus on what your partner can do diff. •Paraphrase to show you are hearing them •Use I-statements ("I feel...") •Provide approval and affection •Use non-sarcastic humor •Use self-control (avoid nasty blaming, controlling anger) •Don't go negative (contain yourself, no negative insults) •Be attentive (take notice of your partner, avoid distractions) •Be optimistic •Value your partner's outcome •Take a break (notice when things are escalating) •Practice forgiveness

Attachment: Secure Style Promotes Love

• Attachment style is positively correlated to the diff dimensions of love (intimacy, passion, commitment, caring) • Securely attached people have... ‣ More intimacy (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2013) » bc they tend to open up more, and trust more) ‣ Greater passion (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2013) » More frequent and satisfying sex & orgasms ‣ Greater commitment Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016) ‣ Better caregiving ‣ Insecure: less effective caregiving (Davila & Kashy, 2009) ‣ Avoidant: angry when asked to comfort (Campbell et al., 2001) ‣ Anxious attachment: helps but for selfish reason (ie to gain approval from partner rather than to help) (Sprecher & Fehr, 2011)

Friendships over the lifespan

• Attachment styles change as we have more interpersonal experiences w ppl. Attachment security and relationship satisfaction improves over time so we are less likely to experience anxiety about abandonment (Chopik et al., 2013; Luong et al., 2011) ‣ Friendships grow richer over time; we tend to be more satisfied in friendships in our elder yrs than in young adulthood • Childhood: Children grow an ability to appreciate other perspectives, wishes, and POVs. At each stage in childhood, interpersonal needs increases. ‣ In elementary years we seek Acceptance in relationships ‣ we seek Intimacy in adolescence ‣ Sexuality is an important focus in teen years • Adolescence ‣ We turn away from parents and toward peers to satisfy attachment needs • Young adulthood ‣ Friend circles change as young adults move around (for school, work) with some friendships fading but new friends being added. ‣ Numbers of friends decline after college but intimacy increases (Reis et al.. 1993)

Influence of Experience: Past experiences/Attachment

• Bowlby, Ainsworth, and other developmental researchers in the 60s and 70s observed that infants displayed distinct partners of behaviors ("attachment") to their major caregivers. • Three partners were observed: ‣ Secure: happily bond with others; rely on them; readily develop relationships characterized by relaxed trust ‣ Anxious - ambivalent: If care was unpredictable and inconsistent, the child would be uncertain if caregivers could be counted on; Children became "nervous, clingy, and needy" in relationships ‣ Avoidant: If care was provided reluctantly, by rejecting or hostile adults, children learned little good comes from depending on others and withdrew form others; they become suspicious/distrustful; do not readily form close relationships

Consensual Nonmonogamy

• CNM = arrangement in which partners agree that it's acceptable to have more than one sexual and or romantic relationship at the same time (Conley et all 2017, p. 206) • Attitudes about CNM ‣ 20% have tried CNM ‣ 4% currently in CNM relationship ‣ 12% consider CNM their ideal ‣ 84% of women and 64% of men unwilling to do CNM • Types ‣ Open relationship, "Swingers," Polyamory » In open relationship, partners agree to be free to have sex with other ppl; they have certain agreements » Swingers: Partners as a couple pursue sex w others and those connections are causal » Polyamorous: partners have full love relationships with others (can be romantic and/or sex) » Some non-monogamous relationships arent fully consensual, when one partner reluctantly tolerates It = this does not promote relationship satisfaction • Can we love more than one person at the same time? ‣ Moors et al, 2019: Yes. We love multiple family members and friends. Why should romantic love be that different? • Benefits ‣ Relationships that are just as satisfying as monogamous ones ‣ but Higher sexual satisfaction, more orgasms for ppl with consensual nonmonogamy ‣ Nurturane, security, comfort from primary partner; passion and eroticism from secondary partner = life is enriched with companionate and romantic love

Lie Detection

• Can we detect our loved one's lies? ‣ No single cue: » Level of animation (ppl are more animated when telling truth) » Content discrepancies (discrepancies in nonverbal bhvr, statements/stories) but... ‣ Idiosyncratic "tells" » Each person is different; without knowing a particular persons typical behvr and nonverbal behvr looks like/sounds like, It's hard to tell discrepancies as behaviors are unique to each person ‣ Intimate partners and lie detection: » We have detailed knowledge of each other that theoretically should help us detect lies » BUT in close relationships, we exhibit a "truth bias" - we assume our partners are telling the truth, even if they are not, so... »Most lies are NOT detected at the time they are proffered

How different therapies view the therapeutic relationship

• Centrality dimension: ‣ extent to which the client-therapist relationship is seen as a crucial element of client change • Means-end dimension: ‣ extent to which a type of therapy views the relationship as an end in itself as opposed to a means to an end • Real-unreal relationship dimension: ‣ whether the real of the transference relationship is given primacy in a particular theoretical perspective • Power dimension: ‣ the manner in which power is conceptualized and used by the therapist: ‣ Therapist power comes from Legitimate power (convey by their position), Expert power (conveyed by their credentials/expertise), and Informational Power (conveyed by the info they have about the curative effects of therapy); Power conveyed by cultural variables depending on the therapist's gender, race, or other salient identities

The therapeutic relationship matters ... A LOT

• Common factors in research (Wampold, 2015) ‣ Therapies of all types seem to be equally effective. How come? Common factors are shared in therapies of all orientations. » The therapeutic relationship is the widely studied common factor and has been shown to have the most significant effect of these common factors • The therapeutic relationship accounts for a substantial proportion (~ 30%) of the outcomes of therapy, irrespective of therapeutic techniques and theoretical approaches (e.g. Norcross & Lambert, 2011).

Mini-lecture 5: Communication Communication: Critical to relationships

• Communication is important and complex ‣ Sender and listener effects » Intent of sender (private, known only by sender) » Encoding (senders style) » Sender's actions (observable) » Decoding (listeners style) » Effect/impact on the listener (private and known only by the listener) • Intention and impact/interpersonal gap ‣ Others impacts on communication (how we send and receive messages): mood, social skills, culture, attachment styles, life experiences » This causes discrepensacys in what the sender intends to say and what the listener hears = interpersonal gap

Mini-lecture 6: Conflict in Relationships What is conflict?

• Conflict is when one's wishes or actions obstruct or impede the wishes or actions of someone else; Conflict arises from differences ‣ Conflict is normal in ongoing relationships; what matters is how we manage the conflict

Course of conflict in relationships

• Conflict usually starts with an Instigating Event (ppl can disagree about anything) ‣ Criticism » verbal and nonverbal acts from the actor that perceiver sees as unjustly critical ‣ Illegitimate demands » requests that seem unjust bc they exceed normal operations that the partners hold for each other ‣ Rebuffs » When partners fail to respond to a loved one's requests ‣ Cumulative annoyances » trivial events that become irritating with repetition • Another type of conflict ‣ Attributional conflict (we fight over whos explanation is right) » We think we are impartial/fair and others are biased, when rlly our perspective is biased too (Ross, 2018)

Predictors of divorce cont...

• Contextual and systemic factors are related to divorce for minoritized people ‣ Racism and discrimination ‣ Economic and educational disparity » these negatively impact marriage longevity • Citations: Boertien & Harkonen (2018); Johnson (2012); Manalel et al. (2019); Orbuch (1986); Wilcox & Marquadt, 2010)

Coursework: Video: A queer vision of love and marriage Milan, K.K., & Milan, T. (2016). A queer vision of love and marriage. TED Women 2016

• Created Intimacy: Self-disclosed fears, insecurities, love they needed, giving that approval and acceptance • Respect for their identity; Committed to each other from the start based on hopes and dreams rather than on sexual orientation and identity; focused on the long-run and committed to loving him pre-transition, now, and in the future; re-commit after fights and willing to get past their bias to better under their partners • Possibly passion: Loved his scars from surgery, reminded him of his strength. ‣ Companionate love - Commitment and intimacy BUT could be consummate bc I can see a bit of passion in the way they talk about each other & look at each other

What influences the sorts of relationships we construct?

• Culture • Experiences • Individual differences • Interaction betw relationship partners

Deception and Lies

• Deception ‣ Definition: intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue ‣ Frequency: People lie a lot (Serota & Levine, 2015) • Purpose of lying ‣ Self-serving lies (to ward off obligation, guilt, embarrassment, or gain approval) ‣ Lies to protect others (or to benefit others; when we lie to protect others, they are judged as less deceptive and more acceptable) » Liars often think their lies are less heartless and inoffensive than their recipients do which make helps rationalize their behavior • Consequence of lying ‣ Undermines trust for BOTH the deceiver and the deceived » Liars perceive the recipients of their lies as untrustworthy so they begin to trust the ppl they've lied to even less

Mini Lecture 10: Friendships What is friendship?

• Definition: Voluntary, personal relationship, providing intimacy and assistance, in which two people like each other and seek each other's company • it has the same building blocks as love relationships » knowledge, trust, interdependence, responsiveness, mutuality, caring and commitment ‣ But are less passionate (less emotionally intense) and committed (with fewer obligation) than romances » Friendships are a good place for support, intimacy, company, etc

Mini Lecture 11: Therapeutic Relationship The therapeutic relationship

• Definitions: The relationship that exists betw a therapist and their client, with the goal of helping client heal or relieve distress • The feelings and attitudes that therapist and client have toward one another and the manner in which they are expressed (Gelso & Carter, 1985, 1994)

Can fighting be good? It depends.

• Deft management of conflict allows relationships to grow and prosper ‣ when well managed, it promotes intimacy ‣ brings problematic issues and incompatibilities into the open ‣ it allows for solutions ‣ romantic partners are usually happier when problems are readily and openly addressed » "Deft management" of conflict - managing well, being kind in disagreements, and coming to creative solutions, can make our relationship stronger

Similarity (increases attraction)

• Demographics: Age, race, religion, education, social class ‣ Friends, lovers, and married folkx tend to be familiar with these (Harll et al., 2015; Hitsch et al., 2010; Jones et al., 2004) • Attitudes and Values ‣ Direct and pos linear relationship betw the proportion of attitudes two ppl think they share and their attraction (more similar, the more they like each other) • Personalities ‣ Two gregarious ppl and two shy ppl enjoy meeting each other than a gregarious person and a shy person (Cuperman & Ickes, 2009) ‣ Cultural values like collectivism and individualism may influence how much similarity affects attraction. » With the personalities of spouses in China (collectivistic) are more similar to each other than to spouses of people in the US (individualistic culture) (Chen et al., 2009)

Sources of Conflict

• Dialectics: tension, opposing motivations in... (these cause strains) ‣ Autonomy versus interdependence (be independent or interconnected) ‣ Openness versus closeness (how much self-disclosure and privacy we have with our partner) ‣ Stability versus change (wanting stable partners and also wanting novelty) ‣ Social integration versus separation (desire to stay connected w friends which conflicts with our wish to devote ourselves to our partner) » Finding a good balance betw these conflicting motivations can be hard as we all vary in how much we want one or the other which can create conflict

Sexual Desire

• Differences in drive/desire • All people vary in drive • What does the literature say? ‣ Cis Men have higher drives than Cis women; they spend more time and money on porn and toys, have more frequent desires, are more likely to engage in sex, more masturbation • Mismatch ‣ When there are differences in drive this can lead misunderstanding, conflict and dissatisfaction; communication helps ‣ Drive mismatches may be more common in heterosexual couples

Mini Lecture 4: Sexuality Attitude about sex

• Disclaimer: we cannot draw conclusions from the studies done here; most are qualitative • Culture-bound and idiosyncratic (we all have our own ideas and beliefs that change over time; we all have our own unique preferences, values, desires that influence our answers for questions on timing, context, frequency) • Timing, context, frequency... (attitudes in US Samples) ‣ When is ok to have sex for the first time? Nowadays average age for the first time is 17. ‣ What about sex outside of marriage? nowadays many ppl have sex before marriage. ‣ Are hookups OK? Nowadays, most of us are ambivalent about how we feel on hookups. The feelings felt after a hookup usually depend on the reason for the hookup ‣ How soon is too soon? Most people have had sex by age 20 What's the right reason to do it? Desire, love, etc ‣ How often should we do it? married and cohabiting people have more sex than singles; It drops after the second year of living together and drops further when ppl are pregnant ‣ What types of sexy stuff is it "OK" to do?

Rules of friendships -- Argyle & Henderson (1984)

• Don't nag • Keep confidences • Show emotional support • Volunteer to help in time of need • Trust and confide in each other • Share news of your success • Don't be jealous of each other's relationships • Stand up for your friend in their absence • Seek to repay debts, favors and compliments • Strive to make them happy when you're together » These rules are shared cultural beliefs of what behaviors friends should and should not perform

Coursework Video : Psychological abuse: Caught in harmful relationships

• Dr. Hagestand: How far do we go for love, even if it's harmful? Some don't express their needs or feelings for fear of being rejected -- we see this in dysfunctional relationships. ‣ Emotional abuse is humiliating, scornful, devaluing behvr from partners. They may control your decisions in finances and social life, manipulate you and pressure you. ‣ A girl with a mother who was mentally ill; the father who was the primary caretaker worked a lot; he took care of them physically, but none of their emotional needs. Ridiculed their kids. The little girl grew with mixed emotions for dad. At the age of 5, she became responsible for her parents, blamed herself for parents' bad mood, love was uncertain, Grew up feeling unworthy of love, and set her own needs aside for her parents = attachment theory says that this little girl will repeat these patterns as an adult where she won't believe she is worthy of love and will accept ANY kind of love even if It comes with abuse ‣ Not all insecurely attached ppl end up in psychologically abusive relationships; These ppl are often good at meeting other people needs but poor at taking care of selves; have trouble setting boundaries, and internalize probs (look for explanations for probs within themselves -- blame themselves); Many have deep feelings of lonely, fear of being abandoned and sadness, and they try to avoid these feelings through their relationship and partner

Coursework Videos:

• Dr. John Norcross on Psychotherapy - Relationships that Work ‣ Therapy relationship predicts and leads. to better outcomes ‣ Cohesion, support, validation, self-disclosure, and humor all work and contribute to positive psychotherapy ‣ A good relationship translates into healthier ppl • Dr. John Norcross on the Significance of the Therapist/Client Relationship ‣ Clients often report the relationship is what makes the difference in therapy ‣ The single lesson ppl reported from their own therapy that they try to apply to the therapy they conduct: 80% said something related to the relationship

Who's prone to jealousy?

• Factors that can make us more prone to jealousy: ‣ Dependency on the relationship (Rydell et al., 2004) ‣ Jealousy increases with inadequacy (White, 1981) --> Ppl might worry that they may not be adequate enough and measure up to partners' expectations or keep them satisfied ‣ Personality traits » those high in Negative emotionality are prone to jealousy » high Agreeableness -> less prone » high Narcissism --> more prone » high in Psychopathy --> try to make a partner jealous to increase power and control in relationships ‣ Attachment styles » Preoccupied --> those in preoccupied style experience more jealousy; these are overly concerned for approval » Dismissive --> these ppl try not to depend on others and this might make them immune to jealousy

Social Support

• Four types: ‣ Emotional support » affection, acceptance, reassurance ‣ Physical support » touch, hugs , cuddles ‣ Advice support » advice and guidance provided ‣ Material support » tangible assistance received: money and goods

Course Videos on Friendship:

• Friendships are being tested due to unique problems presented by pandemic ‣ Friendship doubt: ppl questioning the security of their relationships; fear that friends don't like you ‣ When we feel lonely, we are more likely to question friends' motives (they don't like me instead of "maybe they are busy) ‣ Our brains were trying to adapt and interpret technology differences from in-person interaction as Its hard to feel the same connections ‣ Friendship doubt tips: Assume your friends like you unless they say otherwise; Spend more time connecting; talk about these feelings of doubt • What makes a friendship last? ‣ Research says that friendships fall apart bc of a lack of opportunity to meet/hang out ‣ We have to spend 40-60 hrs with someone for them to go from acquaintance to casual friend. Then a full friend around 80-100 hours then a best friend at, at least 200 hours of quality time together ‣ You want to want to know the person - be open to communication. ‣ In a difficult time, It can show you who is a good person and a good friend. Friendship takes time and effort.

Recovering from a break-up

• Get social support ‣ Those with stronger social networks recover faster • Seek out alternative attachment figures ‣ Parents, siblings, and friends • Engage in emotion regulation strategies ‣ Exercise, active distractions, music, meditation • Reduce ties to ex-partners on social media ‣ Creeping leads to distress • Self-Expansion ‣ Get back out there and experience new things; rediscover unique identities through new experiences and reconnect with passions they haven't explored in a while

How to build a good therapeutic relationship

• Hill, 2009: ‣ Attending and listening ‣ Demonstrating understanding and support ‣ Using the right skills/techniques at the right time & being responsive to clients disclosures and needs • Rogers, 1957: (he specified 6 necessary and sufficient conditions for change in therapy) These 3 conditions facilitate the building of the working alliance : ‣ Empathy ‣ Positive regard ‣ Genuineness • Attachment theory: ‣ Establishing a "secure base" for clients allowing them to explore threatening feelings ‣ Being responsive

Mini-lecture 3: Love Relationships LOVE: HISTORICAL AND CULTURAL CONTEXTS

• History ‣ Majority of folx in US & of young adults in western cultures consider romantic love a necessity (Sprecher & Hatfield, 2017; Geiger & Livingston, 2019) ‣ Love as a necessity for marriage is a relatively new idea; in the past, they would do It for money, property, etc. • Cultural influences ‣ Beliefs about romantic love ‣ Reasons to marry » People in western and eastern cultures, we see differences in the idea of the type of love (romantic, compassionate love, etc) » Ppl in US emphasize good looks and similarity in partnerships whereas ppl in china emphasize personality, opinions, and their own physical aroual • What is love? ‣ Motivational state? ‣ Physiological? ‣ Cognitive? ‣ Emotional?

Healthy communication

• How to say what we mean ‣ Behavioral description -- identify a manageable behvr that has bothered us, that can be changed, not using generalities like always or never ‣ I-statements --- start with "I" and describe an emotional reaction: "I Feel annoyed" ‣ XYZ statements -- When you do X in situation Y I feel Z. • How to listen ‣ Active listening --- and active responding to show we care and understand » Attending behaviors (nonverbal) --- make eye contact, turn towards them, put phone away » Paraphrasing --- repeat in own words what someone says to give sender a chance to agree that that's what they meant to avoid misunderstanding » Perception checking --- "you seem upset with what I just said, is that right?" • Other pro tips ‣ Be polite and stay cool » If you can't manage, take a break to breathe (6 deep breathes per minute) ‣ Show respect » being polite and non-agreesive shows care and respect ‣ Provide validation » acknowledges the legitimacy of someones opinions, doesn't require agreement: "I can see how you're feeling that way, and you have got a point. I would like you to try to understand what I'm feeling to"

intimate partner violence

• IPV = abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship. ‣ Intimate partner: both current and former spouses and dating partners. • IPV can include: ‣ Physical violence ‣ Sexual violence ‣ Stalking ‣ Psychological aggression

Rates of IPV

• IPV is common (Rolle et al., 2018) ‣ 35% of cishet women ‣ 29% of cishet men• 61.1% of bisexual women ‣ 43.8% of lesbian women ‣ 37.3% of bisexual men• 26% of gay men• ‣ 54% of trans and nonbinary people (National Center for Transgender Equality, 2015) » Rates are higher for LGBTQ and trans community; There are barriers to getting help for LGBTQ+ folx, therefore IPV may be underreported in this community » Barriers to LGBTQ+ communities: Legal definitions of domestic violence exclude same-sex couples, dangers/consequences to outing self to get help, lack of LGBTQ resources, phobia and lack of sensitivity in medical and health providers

Reading: Hines (2019) Polyamory works for them: Having multiple partners can mean more pleasure, but it's not always easy.

• In parties, gatherings they always ask for consent! ‣ Play-party etiquette. "Consent is the cornerstone of any well-produced, healthy and fun sex party," she said. "This makes it safer and more fun than an average nightclub on any given day." ‣ They have an application for parties that ask the attendees interests view to ensure that the needs of attendees are met. • There are online course for couples and individuals seeking to open their relationships. They believe It should be an option. "People should have more options." For them, more partners means more exploration and more pleasure. • Polyamorists are interested in exploring long-term relationships with multiple people. Swingers tend to be older couples opening their marriages recreationally. • In major cities, there are plenty of ways for non-monogamous and polycurious people to meet - apps, dinners, friends, blind dates and parties. • Non-monogamous relationships are not always easy. "There's a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of work It's not always easy. "There's a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of work," ‣ When Jade began exploring non-monogamy with Tourmaline, Jade's primary partner, the pair quickly realized they had diff expectations: Jade wanted casual encounters, while Tourmaline preferred sustained relationships with multiple people. ‣ It took a lengthy negotiating period. Boundaries helped: they established sex guidelines and rules • The biggest obstacle to free love is: jealousy ‣ Instead of jealousy, Ms. Morgan said she tries to think about gratitude and send messages like, "I was thinking about how much I appreciate you," rather than, "Where are you?" and "Who are you with?" • It can be helpful o have a sex-positive community; attend sex-positive events; have open-minded friends

I³ Model of SCV - situational couple violence (Finkel, 2014)

• Instigating triggers ‣ Things that cause frustration or put both partners on edge ‣ Almost anything that causes frustration » Jealousy, betrayal, infidelity, real or imagined rejection, verbal or physical abuse. • Impelling influences ‣ Things that make it more likely that partners will experience violent impulses ‣ Distal (things from a long time ago): Cultural norms, family experiences » Distal forces that make situation violence more likely to occur: witnessing violence betw parents growing up; » Some cultural factors can decrease the likelihood of engaging in SCV - coming from a culture that promotes gender equality ‣ Dispositional (About "ME"): Personality traits, attachment styles » Some Dispositional factors that increase the likelihood of SCV: those who are mean, impulsive, low in agreeableness. Those high in anxiety, and abandonment are more prone to violence » Some factors that make ppl less likely to engage in SCV: those with better impulse control, those high in conscientiousness ‣ Relational: Communication patterns, interaction between attachment styles » Relational factors that make ppl prone to SCV: poor communication skills, mismatched attachment styles ‣ Situational: Immediate circumstances like the temperature or one's physiological state (e.g., intoxication) » Situational factors that affect SCV rates: recent stress at work, noisy or hot uncomfortable environments; Sobriety can make couples less prone to SCV • Inhibiting influences ‣ Things that counteract aggressive urges » Impelling and inhibit influences combined to affect the likelihood of violent outcomes. Jealousy may make you angry but inhibiting influences like good communication skills helped you manage and resolve those feelings rather than acting violently

TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE (STERNBERG, 1987, 2019)

• Intimacy ‣ Warmth, understanding, trust, support, and sharing • Passion ‣ Physical arousal, desire, excitement, sexual/emotional need • Commitment ‣Feelings of permanence & stability; the decision to devote oneself to and to work to maintain a relationship » These 3 factors can range from low to high levels and can range differently from each other

Companionate Love

• Intimacy and commitment combined • Characterized by closeness, sharing, communication, mutuality, and substantial investment to maintain a deep, long-term friendship. • Companionate love is epitomized by a long, happy marriage in which a couple's youthful passion has subsided. ‣ Over time companionate love is stronger and more enduring than passionate love & is highly correlated with satisfaction » Companionalte love involved oxytocin (feelings of relaxation, promotes bonding) v passionate involves dopamine (triggers pleasure and reward system) so these diff types of loves have diff neural experiences

What is Intimacy : Seven Dimensions of Intimacy

• Intimacy is the sense of closeness we have w other ppl ‣ Usually our most satisfying and meaningful relationships include all 7, BUT intimacy can exist to a lesser degree when only some of these dimensions are in in place. • Knowledge: ‣ Intimate partners share info about histories, preferences, feelings, and desires that they don't usually share with others • Interdependence: ‣ The extent to which partners need and influence each other ‣ Our behavior affects ourselves & partners. The intensity of our intimacy is related to how frequent, strong, diverse, and enduring these influences are • Caring: ‣ tendency to be more affection w intimate partners than what we are with others • Trust: ‣ Expect to be treated fairly & that no undue harm will be done to them ‣ when harm does occur we reduce our openness & interdependence with the person who harmed us • Responsiveness: ‣ Partners recognize, understand, and support each others needs and wishes » intimacy increases the more we can do this • Mutuality: ‣ Acknowledgement of their attachment to one another; "us" / "we" instead of "me" » Mutuality differs between intimate and more casual relationships • Commitment: ‣ Expect the relationship to continue indefinitely; we invest time, effort, resources in order for this to happen

(Edwards, et al., 2011). College women's stay/leave decisions in abusive dating relationships: A prospective analysis of an expanded investment model.

• Introduction ‣ Research suggests that many women remain in abusive relationships. 85% of college women reported remaining in their sexually coercive relationships over a 6- to 8-week interim. ‣ The investment model predicated on interdependent theory asserts that individuals who remain in relationships evidence greater relationship commitment than those who terminate relationships. This commitment is a function of greater relationship investment, greater relationship satisfaction, and fewer perceived alternatives. ‣ Unlike violence-specific theories (e.g., theory of learned helplessness, theory of traumatic bonding), which focus more on individual variables (e.g., psychological distress, self-esteem), the investment model is a general social-psychological theory that stresses the importance of interdependent processes in the stay/leave decision-making process. ‣ Relationship abuse affects investment model vari- tables; both psychological and physical victimization were negatively related to satisfaction and commitment; intimate partner sexual coercion was related to lower investment but unrelated to satisfaction, commitment, or perceived alternatives; is unclear how relationship abuse is related to college women's perceptions of investment model variables ‣ It is possible that historical (e.g., childhood abuse) and personal (e.g., psychological distress, self-esteem, coping) variables from violence-specific theories shape abused women's perceptions of the investment model variables. ‣ Social learning theory and the intergenerational transmission of violence theory, has been theorized that women who experience abuse in childhood are less likely to terminate abusive relationships than women not abused in childhood; Could be bc they have more tolerance for mistreatment based on early life experiences and resulting interpersonal schemas ‣ The theory of learned helplessness suggests that despite abused women's attempts to control abusive situations, their efforts lead to little (or no) change and result in feelings of helplessness; according to this theory, women demonstrate affective (e.g., psychological distress, low self-esteem) and cognitive (i.e., avoidance coping) effects, which reduce their likelihood of relationship termination. • Results ‣ For most participants the abuse was chronic. Furthermore, participants were more likely to report moderate forms of dating abuse (e.g., "insulted or swore at me," "slapped me," "insisted on having sex when I did not want to") as opposed to severe forms of dating abuse ("destroyed something belonging to me," "used a knife or gun on me," "used force to make me have sex") ‣ Greater investment was predicted by more frequent psychological abuse, greater psychological distress, and greater avoidance coping ‣ Higher levels of perceived quality of alternatives were predicted by greater self-esteem and less satisfaction; Higher levels of commitment were predicted by greater investment, greater satisfaction, and less perceived quality of alternatives • Discussion ‣ Descriptive analyses suggested alarming rates of dating violence and that 88% of women reported at T2 that they were still with their T1 dating partners. ‣ Similar to the proposed theory, greater investment, greater satisfaction, and poorer quality of alternatives all predicted greater commitment, which directly predicted women's T2 decisions to remain with their partners. Furthermore, greater psychological distress and greater satisfaction directly predicted women's T2 decisions to remain with their partners. Consistent with the theory of learned helplessness, women experiencing high levels of psychological distress may not feel efficacious in their ability to leave their partners. ‣ Higher levels of satisfaction emerged not only as a predictor of relationship stability but also predicted greater investment, greater commitment, and poorer quality of alternatives. ‣ Consistent with the social learning theory and intergenerational transmission of violence theory , a history of childhood abuse predicted women's perceptions of satisfaction in their abusive relationships. Women who were abused in childhood were more satisfied with their current relationships than women who were not abused in childhood. ‣ Personal variables—self-esteem, psychological distress, and avoidance coping—also affected perceptions of investment model variables. Abused women with greater self-esteem reported better quality of alternatives than women with lower self-esteem. Furthermore, women with higher levels of psychological distress and women who relied on avoidance coping were less satisfied in their relationships, but more invested in their relationships. ‣ it is possible that the severity of these types of abuse or the meaning women ascribe to these types of abuse, are more predictive of investment model variables than the frequency with which they occur ‣ These data have important implications for intervention and counseling with college women in abusive relationships. It is important for therapists to consider relationship variables (i.e., commitment, satisfaction, quality of alternatives, and investment) and the factors that shape relationship variables when working with college women who present to therapy in abusive relationships. ‣ When discussing the clinical implications of women's stay/leave decisions, it is important to note that therapists' encouragement regarding the stay/leave process with abused women is a controversial topic ‣ Whereas therapists consider many variables in their conceptualization and treatment of women in abusive relationships, ultimately it is the client's decision whether she stays or leaves. However, as therapists, we want to empower our clients and provide them with possible alternatives to their abusive relationships.

Self-disclosure take-away

• It's gradual • Be patient • Take turns • Move toward deeper topics in stages rather than all at once ‣ Overtime, It develops intimacy; Convo progresses from small talk to meaningful convos

Mini Lecture 7: Jealousy, Lies, and Betrayal What is Jealousy?

• Jealousy: ‣ Fear, anger, and hurt when facing the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival • Two types: ‣ Reactive jealousy: response to actual threat to a valued relationship » ie threat can be a current, past, or anticipated occurrence/event ‣ Suspicious jealousy: one's suspicions do not fit the facts at hand » ie partner has not given us a reason to be jealous but the person might be excessively worried, vigilant, and alert for any signs of interest, overactive imagination.

Are therapeutic relationships like other intimate relationships?

• Knowledge: Intimate partners share info about histories, preferences, feelings and desires • Interdependence: The extent to which partners need and influence each other • Caring: Affection • Trust: Expect to be treated fairly and that no undue harm will be done to them • Responsiveness: Partners recognize, understand and support each other's needs and wishes • Mutuality: Acknowledgement of their attachment to one another; "us" instead of "me" • Commitment: We expect the relationship to continue indefinitely ‣ Therapeutic relationships share some but not all of the dimensions of intimate relationships. They also differ to the degree a given dimension is present » Commitment - they don't meet indefinitely » Mutality - Only a "WE" in a therapy setting; but therapist does not expect client to meet their needs » Knowledge: Therapist does not share personal info; there is no mutual exchanging of info » Interdependence: one of the biggest ways this relationship is diff from other intimate relationships; therapist does not depend on the client to fulfill their needs or to influence their personal decisions

Infidelity

• Language used: infidelity, cheating, unfaithful ‣These have neg connotations that tell us about our cultural values for sex outside of relationships » Neutral word we use: extra dyadic sex (Sex outside of a couple in a relationship) • Attitudes Frequency ‣ Majority disapproves (Buunk et al., 2018) ‣ But it's not rare (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007) • Sociosexual orientation ‣ Restricted: willing to have sex only in a relationship ‣ Unrestricted: closeness/commitment is not required » This orientation is more associated with the likelihood that people will have extra dyadic sex and have more partners • Predictors and Perspectives: Evolutionary and Psychological Perspectives ‣ Evolutionary theories say that infidelity can convey Reproductive benefits to the human species ‣ Sociosexual orientations: a trait-like collection of beliefs and behaviors that describe our diff feelings about sex ‣ Dissatisfaction: The quality of the relationship - unhappy lovers w tempting alternatives my step out of the relationship ‣ Unhappiness + tempting alternatives ‣ Also cheat bc of Novelty, testing desirability, intoxication

Other Predictors of divorce

• Levinger's barrier model ‣ Divorce is more likely when attraction and barriers are low but attractive alternatives are high (ie that is there are other ppl we might wanna be with) • Karney and Bradbury's vulnerability-stress-adaptation model : ‣ Some people enter marriages with enduring personal vulnerabilities (ie adverse experiences in fams of origins, maladaptive personalities traits, poor social skills) that increase their risk of divorce; when combined, these characteristics can influence the way ppl respond to stress in relationships and make It more likely to result in the dissolution • The PAIR Project (Huston, 2009; Wilson & Huston, 2013) ‣ (disillusionment) Unrealistically positive/romanticized views of marriage correlate with divorce

TYPES OF LOVE (sternberg)

• Liking ‣ High intimacy, low passion, low commitment • Companionate love ‣ Intimacy and commitment combined • Empty love ‣ Commitment, but no passion or intimacy; ‣ this can be a final stage of love and ppl choose to stay together even though passion & intimacy has died; Or an arranged marriage first stage of love. • Fatuous love ‣ Passion & commitment exist, but no intimacy • Infatuation ‣ Strong passion, but no intimacy and no commitment • Romantic love ‣ Intimacy and passion combined • Consummate love ‣ All 3 factors combine in a complete love; some say It doesn't exist or It's difficult to maintain » based on a combination of components, there are diff types of love.

Coursework Videos: depicting conflict

• MadTV (2009): Arguing couple. ‣ "I was not pushing, I was guiding" -- no accountability; then she interrupts midway convo; no eye contact; very aggressive when she asks eye contact; pointing; singing sarcasm to mock each other; defensiveness, criticism; ‣ Getting annoyed and seeing her tapping as criticism and then saying a rude comment comparing her tapping to the crip keeper; they keep interrupting; ‣ Very aggressive; "send the flare to your face; talking about shooting himself ‣ Going off on tangents; And they keep trying to win with points • Malcolm & Marie (2021): Fight scene. ‣ not acknowledging that she has a point; then name-calling "you're psychotic"; calling each other crazy ‣ Being sarcastic ‣ Making It bigger "It's not about thanking me, Its more about how you see me"

Coursework Video How we met: Real couples share their stories.

• Many shared the same likings (frat parties, partying) or close contact and familiarity (growing up together, use to have a thing) ‣ Many men either don't remember at all or tell It differently and remember vaguely /with few details

Proximity: The Downside

• Meeting in person after dating online can be a let-down (Sharabi & Caughlin, 2017) ‣ Ppl soften the facts on their profiles and when they actually met in person and increased their knowledge of each other, their liking of each other went down • Couples reuniting after a long-distance relationship: ‣ May avoid conflict and stay positive while apart creating idealized images of each other (Rosetto, 2013) ‣ so when reuniting they have difficult readjusting to the reality of their partner & partnership (Knoblock & Wehrman, 2014) ‣ about 1/3 of long-distance partners break up within 3 months of reuniting » But the more committed these couples are, the more successful they are to adjusting being back "in person"

Coursework Video: Jealousy: Men v. Women

• Men's jealousy is driven by paternity insecurity; women's jealousy is driven by whether men will stick around to care for their babes ‣ Men are more jealous of sexual infidelity; women are more jealous of emotional infidelity • Dismissive attachment men and women are more jealous of sexual fidelity; whereas securely attached men and women were more jealous of emotional infidelity • Gender differences disappear in gay and lesbian relationships; These gender differences only happen in heterosexual groups;

Friendships over the lifespan cont...

• Midlife: ‣ Dyadic Withdrawl: We see our partners more than our friends (Burton-Chellew & Dunbar, 2015) ‣ and start to spend more time with mutual friends (spend time with friends they have in common) (Wrzus et al., 2013) • Old age ‣ Have fewer friends - We become more selective, favoring emotional fulfillment and conflict-free relationships (Fung & Cartensen, 2004) ‣ Seniors aim for quality, not quantity in their friendships. » We work harder to enrich close friendships and let casual friendships lapse (Lange et al, 2013) » Having good friends helps us live longer, happier lives (Gerstord et al., 2016).

Reasons for divorce

• Most commonly cited reasons: ‣ Infidelity is the leading cause ‣ Incompatibility ‣ Drug use

Three-part model of the therapeutic relationship

• Most widely used: Tri-partite model meaning that the relationship has three parts (Gelso & Carter, 1994; Gelso & Samstag, 2008) ‣ Real relationship » the genuine, non-distorted connection betw the helper & the client • Working alliance: ‣ the part of the relationship focused on the therapeutic work. • Transference/countertransference configuration ‣ the part of the relationship that is affected by the clients and therapists past experiences in their important relationships

Mini Lecture 9: When Relationships End Divorce (most studied)

• Nearly 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce; Divorce rates are higher than in most countries • it became more common in 20th century • Why? ‣ We expect more from our marriages, holding them to higher standards. We increased in individualism and social mobility, leading us to be less tied to community norms that might discourage divorce; causal cohabitation may weaken commitment to our relationships ‣ Ironically There are few barriers to divorce now as divorce laws are more lenient and there is less stigma for divorce now; ‣ Women are less dependent on their male spouses (so they can provide for themselves and therefore leave unsatisfying marriages)

Individual differences: Personality cont...

• Negative emotionality is the most influential (high scores on this are prone to anxiety and anger and these tendencies can result in argumentative and pessimistic interactions with others) ‣ Some examples from the research: » Kelly & Conley, 1987: 300 couples over 45 yrs; 10% of their satisfaction and contentment could be predicted from measures of their neg emotionality when they were first engaged » Van Scheppingen et al., 2019: the more optimistic, pos, and emotionally stable partners were, the happier their marriages were over time » Borghuis et al., 2020: correlation betw participants frequency of neg emotionality and the likelihood of having unhappy disappointing relationships

Why college students end relationships

• Not enough autonomy, too much possessiveness • Incompatibility • Lack of support/consideration • Not self-disclosing/open enough • Infidelity • Spending too much time with others or away from partner • Inequity, exploitation • Lack of romance

Influence of Culture

• Our cultural backgrounds have a profound influence on our relationships. They affect... ‣ our relationship structures: whether we consider.... marriage, cohabitation, polyamory, etc. ‣ affect our beliefs on who is a suitable partner ‣ our beliefs about when and with whom we should have sex ‣ our beliefs on roles we take in our relationships, etc.

Attachment and transference

• Our experience with caregivers creates Internal working models of the self and others in the context of relationships ‣ these are sets of rules that affect/bias how we predict others will treat us and also affect how we respond to others » Transference can be thought of as a misperception of the therapist and therapeutic relationship stemming from clients use of long-established working models of self and others to anticipate motives and behaviors of the new attachment figure (ie a therapist)

Proximity Studies

• Our location might impact whether we ever meet someone in the first place, but the proximity of even a few feet can make a big difference ‣ Shin et al., 2019: Students were more attached when sitting 2.5 ft v 5 ft apart • Festinger & Schacter, 1950: Students were randomly assigned to residents; those who lived closest became friends than those who lived in rooms farther apart • Bossard, 1932: of 5k married couples in Philly, 48% lived within a mile before they met.

Coursework: Expanding erotic communication (The Pleasure Mechanics, 2019)

• People in general do not know how to communicate about non-sexual things, so how do we expect them to communicate about sex? • People get uncomfortable talking about these things bc society expects them to just know. It's okay to not know. • Sometimes talking about things we do not know makes us feel "too vulnerable". They fear that they will be rejected. • This conversation can be started with a simple, "Hey, I wanted to share with you something I was interested in trying and I was wondering if you would be too" -- leads to starting negotiation • Its good for the couple to do research, share some pictures or links and make sure they are on the same page and are talking about the same thing • Its even better if they're both learning together, about the concept, that way they know it's okay to not be experts. Learning together will teach them about collaboration and being vulnerable together, which builds intimacy and trust •Important to respect partners when/if they say no. If you suggest a plan and your partner does not feel up for it, you must respect their decision, but possibly explore as to why they do not feel comfortable (i.e., past experience) so to provide them comfort and reassurance • Also, if the partner simply does not find interest in the same activity, while you can say no, you can also have a backup suggestion, such as, "No, I do not want to do that, but would you be up for ____ instead?" • communication happens in their negotiation before the act, during the act, and after its happened •Reading body language as a way of communicating. Not only should they pay attention to their own body's limits and their own well-being but being open to discussing how to recognize each other's warning signs of distress during arousal. This would be discussed before the act but would be helpful to take care of each other if they do find themselves distressed, to help preserve that intimacy and trust. •Debriefing. I would advise them to check in after the act, to see what they both liked, did not like, what worked, and remind themselves that it's important to keep trying even if the first time did not work

Steps to Divorce

• Personal phase ‣ one person becomes unhappy & thinks about It • Dyadic phase ‣ the couple addresses the concern together • Social phase ‣ Married couple tells their friends/social network to prep people that they will be getting a divorce & to get support • Grave-dressing phase ‣ Ppl stop warning and start to get over the loss, and start creating new narratives they tell themselves and other ppl • Resurrections phase ‣ Former partners enter the world and social life as singles, saying they are smarter and wiser cause of what they've been through

Frequency of conflict associated with...

• Personality ‣ those high in negative emotionality -> tend to have more conflict ‣ those with more Agreeableness -> tend to have less conflict • Attachment styles ‣ those with Secure style -> less conflict • Stage of life ‣ those in Young adulthood -> may have more conflict • greater Incompatibility -> more conflict • more Stress, poor sleep, and more alcohol use -> more conflict

power and interdependence

• Power: the control of valuable resources ‣ If someone controls access to something you want, you are more likely to comply with their wishes; ‣ In relationships It can be control over valuable personal rewards like affection, support, approval OR other tangible rewards like financial resources • The availability of alternative sources of power affects how much influence one can exert ‣ If a partner can get what they need from someone else, the person will have less power over them ‣ Those with fewer alternatives will be more dependent on the relationship and being dependent reduces your power, creating an imbalance • Most relationships: ‣ Both partners have some power • in Abusive relationships: ‣ Power imbalances are against power and used for the purpose of control &

Functions served by nonverbals

• Providing information - allows others to make inferences about our intentions, feelings, meanings • Regulating interaction - provide cues for smooth convos • Defining the nature of the relationship - type of partnership ppl have are evident in their nonverbals (ie more touching) • Interpersonal influence - goal-directed behvr used to influence others (ie leaning forward, touching others arm when asking partner for a favor) • Impression management - nonverbal bhvr managed to create or enahce a particular image (ie getting in a fight with your partner in private, but pretending to be happy in public)

Factors influencing attraction

• Proximity • Familiarity & convenience • Reciprocity & selectivity • Similarity • Complementarity

Nonverbal communication: It's not just what we say, it's how

• Purpose: nonverbals provide info on peoples moods and/or meanings; they allow us to establish intimacy and closeness • Components - these communicate our meanings, sentiments, intentions ‣ Facial expression ‣ Eyes and gazing behavior ‣ Body movement ‣ Touch ‣ Interpersonal space/distance ‣ Paralanguage (variations in voice) » Rhythm, pitch, volume, rate » Laughter • Nonverbal sensitivity ‣ people vary in their skills in sending and receiving nonverbal messages; ‣ Poor encoders enact confusing mssgs that are difficult to understand; Poor decorers fail to correctly interpret a message that s clear. ‣ The more sensitive you are, the better you are at using nonverbals to say what you mean and interpreting nonverbal than other ppl send

Reciprocity & Selectivity

• Reciprocity ‣ Mostly, we tend to like ppl who like us back (Montoya & Horton, 2014) ‣ This can be a strategy to minimize rejection » It is common to be cautious when we are unsure of others' acceptance (Bernstein et al., 1983) » Although this is true, we also don't like someone who likes everyone (we like someone who is more selective) • Selectivity: ‣ We tend to like ppl who are selectively "hard to get"(Walster et al., 1973) ‣ The most selective folx in speed dating scenarios are seen as the more attractive (Eastwick et al., 2007)

Coping with Jealousy

• Reduce our connection betw the relationship and our sense of self-worth ‣ Maintain a sense of self-worth with/without current partners » We want to invest in your self-confidence, being okay to survive on our own, being independent ‣ Invest in your other close relationships (like friends and families, that can let us know that we are valuable and important to them that can help us improve our self-worth) ‣ Therapy can help if someone cant do that on their own

Influence of the interaction between relationship partners

• Relationships emerge from the combo of their participants' histories, cultures, personalities, traits, and talents

Reading: (Muise, 2012) Should you stay "friends" with your ex-partner on Facebook?

• Research findings linked FB use to higher levels of romantic jealousy and greater relationship satisfaction when going "Facebook official". • You can use Facebook to keep tabs on an ex-partner. In fact, 67% of surveyed college students reported "creeping" their ex-partners on Facebook by monitoring their profiles. ‣ but creeping make It more difficult to recover from a breakup; in order to move on people should delete their ex-partners from their friend lists. ‣ People who "Crept" felt more distressed, more negative emotions, more desire and longing for their ex-partners, and less personal growth. The severity of negative consequences was determined by the amount of time a person spent monitoring an ex-partner on Facebook, regardless of whether they remained "friends." • simply remaining friends with ex-partners (regardless of the amount of time spent monitoring their activities) had mixed consequences for break-up recovery. ‣ In some cases remaining FB friends with an ex-partner may help relieve the pain associated with a break-up - it may relieve feelings of uncertainty or decrease our attraction to that person; however, maintaining this virtual friendship may also impede a person's ability to move on from the relationship.

Attributes of friendships

• Respect - the more we respect them, the more satisfying the relationship is • Trust - we expect humane treatment. It takes time to develop but eventually it does when ppl become aware of our needs and act unselfishly towards us. If we don't fully trust someone we are guarded and less content in the relationship • Capitalization - A pattern of interaction in which we share good news with friends and receive enthusiastic responses in return and those responses increase our pleasure. ‣ Capitalization responses enhance our relationships bc ppl respond with celebration compared to those who respond with indifference to us. Relationships that have more capitalization are more satisfying • Responsiveness - Someone responsive, attentive and supportive tends to be a better friend than someone who does not • Social support - the support that friends provide to help us get through tough times

Responses to Jealousy

• Responses can be destructive or beneficial to the relationship (Dindia & Timmerman, 2003) ‣ Retaliation » May retaliate with violence or verbal antagonism, or with efforts to make them jealous in return ‣ Spying ‣ Restricting partner's freedom ‣ Derogating/threatening rivals ‣ Sometimes they respond positively: Trying to address and work through concerns ‣ Making effort to make themselves/the relationship more appealing • Predicting how someone will react to jealousy: ‣ Attachment style » Those comfortable with closeness (secure and preoccupied styles) are more likely to express their concern and try to repair their relationships; Those with dismissive or fearful attachment are more likely to avoid the issue or deny the distress by pretending nothing is wrong or acting like they don't care ‣ Gender » Cishet women will seek to improve or preserve the relationship more than cishet men; men would consider leaving the relationship or respond in ways that protect their egos; Research found that male participants plan to get drunk, confront and threaten the rival, and pursue other women.

Response to betrayal

• Revenge ‣ Usually less satisfying than people think it will be ‣ Usually seems excessive to its targets thus provoking further dispute & maybe even escalating dispute • Forgiveness ‣ Giving up the right to retaliate for wrongdoing ‣ Occurs more readily when the betrayer apologizes and the betrayed wants to continue the relationship; » Forgiveness usually improves the relationship • Dissolution ‣ Betrayals can damage a relationship so much that it can't be salvaged, so person may decide to end things

Types of power

• Reward power - ability to bestow rewards (give or take away things people want) • Coercive power - the ability to hand out punishments • Legitimate power - when one has a reasonable right by dint of authority, reciprocity, equity, or social responsibility to tell the other what to do » Legitimate power is socially constructed; When we think someone has a "right' to power bc of some authority » Bc of authority norm: seeing the man as the head of household, the man would hold more authority power than the woman in the relationship Reciprocity norm: when someone has done us a favor, they hold more power over to ask us to comply to their wishes bc we feel that we owe them » Responsibility norm: we feel responsible to say yes bc maybe they have been doing a lot for us lately • Referent power - having someone's love and affection • Expert power - having knowledge or expertise so they have some power over us bc we want to share in that knowledge • Informational power - someone holding specific pieces of information may hold more power in a relationship; for example, if one partner is more knowledgeable in finances and manage all the finances, giving them more power in that aspect

Predictors of Intimate Terrorism (IT): Risk Factors

• Risk factors for intimate terrorism: person may have ‣ Witnessed violence in their families or were sexually abused (Afifi et al., 2009) ‣ Grew up in families who engrained traditional gender roles and hostile, misogynistic attitudes (Liebold & McConnel, 2014) ‣ History of abusing pets and previous partners (Simmons & Lehmann, 2007) ‣ Violence is often one of their few sources of power (Cross et al., 2019) » » Feel intellectually inferior to partners (Moore et al., 2008) » » Have low self esteem (Cowan and Mills, 2004) » » Have low SES (Kaukinen & Powers, 2015)

DOES LOVE LAST?

• Romantic love typically decreases over time (bc of familiarity) ‣ The novelty and passion in love create this fantasy but that decreases eventually ‣ After two years some studies show it decreases by half ‣ And worldwide more divorces occur in the 4th year of marriage than any other time • Companionate love can last a lifetime; Companionate love is more stable than romantic love ‣ the love that gets ppl together in the first place, may not be what keeps them together. As passion may decrease, intimacy and commitment may increase. • Investing in romance & passion: ‣ Be realistic ‣ Self-disclose (increasing intimacy) ‣ Introduce novelty (to increase passion)

Predictors of Intimate Terrorism (It): Roots

• Roots of IT are more enduring than those that trigger SCV ‣ Research suggests there are two camps of IT perpetrators: » Those who harbor inadequacies and have limited social power (Fowler and Western (2011) so they use harm and power to keep ppl from leaving » Those who are antisocial or narcissistic (have personality disorder traits) and use violence as another tool to get what they want (Birkley & Eckhardt, 2015)

Four Adult Attachment Styles (Bartholomew, 1990)

• Secure: Easily become close; comfortable depending on others and having them depend on them; don't worry about being alone or unaccepted by others • Pre-occupied: desire to be completely intimate with others but find that others are reluctant to get as close as desired; depends on others' approval to feel good about themselves & are worried about/preoccupied with the status of their relationships • Fearful: uncomfortable getting close; would like to be close but may avoid intimacy bc of fear of reaction • Dismissive: uncomfortable without close relationships; values being independent and self-sufficient and prefer not to depend on others or be depended upon (prefer autonomy rather than close attachment bc past attachments never benefitted them) » Avoidant style is divided into two categories: fearful and dismissive

Self-Disclosure: The benefits

• Self-disclosure: Process of revaling info of yourself to someone else; its a definition characteiritic of intimacy; • The benefits: People will like you more (Slatcher, 2010; Sprecher et al., 2013) • It improves your relationships (Collins & Miller, 1994) • It improves your satisfaction with life (Milek at al., 2018) • It improves your health (Floyd et al., 2007) ‣ Improved neuroendocrine responses to stress ‣ Lower cholesterol ‣ Lower heart rate ‣ Lower blood pressure

Coursework Video: Self-disclosure: Be better: Improving communication skills

• Self-disclosure: the process of sharing intimate, personal info and personal ideas with a partner ‣ To build better interpersonal relationships we engage in timely and appropriate self-disclosure acts. ‣ Interpersonal relationships grow in intimacy thru the communicative acts of self-disclosure • When engaging in self-disclosure: ‣ 1. Be other-centered (think of how the details you are disclosing will affect your partner -- do you need to tell someone something? will It cause them to be uncomfortable?) ‣ 2. be careful not to reveal too much too soon in any relationship (we don't want to reveal too much too soon to avoid awkwardness) ‣ 3. Decrease self-disclosure if partner is not reciprocating in sharing ‣ 4. Self-disclosure involves story, not history (how we tell is important; talking about It as history means we talk like facts/generality and does not draw ppl together; telling It as a story is an invitation to draw ppl closer & is authentic and shows the person is implicated in details; stories request responses)

Individual differences: traits that influence relationships cont...

• Self-esteem: is affected by others' opinions of us ‣ we feel better when we're perceived as attractive (Bale & Archer, 2013) ‣ The regard we receive from others affects our self-assessments (Jayamaha & Overall, 2019) ‣ Chronocially low SE develops over time thru a history of failing to receive sufficient acceptance & appreciation (Orth, 2018) • Affects our relationships: ‣ Ppl with low self-esteem tend to sabotage their relationships by underestimating their partner's love for them (Murray et al., 2001) ‣ They are less optimistic that their love will last and harbor doubts about their partners' feelings for them (Holmes & Wood, 2009) ‣ They may overreact to partners' bad moods, feel more rejected and more hurt, and get angrier than those with higher self-esteem (Bellavia and Murray, 2003) ‣ When frustrations arise, they defensively distance, stay surly, behave badly (Murray, Bellavia et al., 2003), and then feel worse about themselves (Murray, Griffin et al., 2003)

Individual differences: traits that influence relationships

• Selflessness: ‣ Unselfish ppl are attentive to others' needs, considerate, and charitable ‣ They are seen by partners as: » attractive (Arnocky et al., 2017) and trustworthy (Mogilski et al., 2019) • Humility: ‣ Those high on humility believe that no one is entitled to special treatment ‣ Those low on arrogance recognize and accept limitations, are more forgiving (Antonucci et al., 2019), and don't take offense when others disagree with them (Porter & Schuman, 2018) ‣ They're easier to live with (Van Tongeren et al., 2019) ‣ Study participants prefer potential dating partners who are humble to those who are more egotistical or self-important (Tongeren et al., 2014).

Outcomes of Conflict

• Separation ‣ partners withdraw without resolving. This can let partners cool down, but if the conflict isn't resolved at a later time, the discord will arise again later • Domination ‣ When one partner WINS, and the other partner gives up. This happens when one person holds more power. • Compromise ‣ Both parties reduce their aspirations, gradually change their goals, to come to a mutually acceptable alternative • Integrative agreement ‣ Couple creatively and flexibility satisfies both partner's original goals and aspirations • Structural improvement ‣ Less common, but occasionally partners get what they want, they also learn, grow, and make desirable changes o their relationship. This happens after a lot of fo time of upheaval in the relationship (after a lot of conflicts).

Sexual Satisfaction

• Sexual satisfaction promotes relationship satisfaction and vice versa • Nurturing sexual satisfaction: ‣ having more Sexual growth beliefs - believing satisfaction is something we work for » Best sex depends on valuing partners needs and understanding their desires ‣ attitude to have: GGG (Good in bed, Giving equal time and pleasure, and Game for anything within reason) ‣ COMMUNICATION » if nurtured well, passion can continue

Categories of IPV

• Situational couple violence (SCV) ‣ brought about by impetuous, impulsive failures of self-control » ppl of all genders are equally likely to commit this • Intimate terrorism (IT) ‣ Enduring physical violence that is often accompanied by other forms of power and control: ‣ Isolation ‣ Intimidation ‣ Economic abuse ‣ Emotional abuse ‣ Minimizing (aka "sanitizing" which minimizes the severity of violence, excuse the violence, justify It) » IT is used as a tool to control and oppress the partner » Most perpetrators are men; women less likely to use violence as a tool • However, women most likely to use Violent resistance ‣ fighting back against violence, oppression, coercion » Used as a tool to FIGHT BACK

Identity and power

• Social norms that maintain dominance of some people over others also convey power to diff people/groups ‣ Men tend to control more resources than women ‣ White people more than people of color ‣ Cishets more than queer, trans or non-binary folx ‣ And so on

Benefits of Social Support

• Social support has many benefits; all four types are related to relationship satisfaction; emotional support is shown to have real physiological and mental health benefits ‣ gives Emotional support ‣ Physical health benefits » Lower blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, stress hormones, inflammation (Seeman, et al., 2002; Uchinoe et al., 2018) » quicker recovery from stress » Analgesic (lower levels of pain) (Brown et al., 2013) » Better sleep (Kent de Gray et al., 2018) ‣ Mental health benefits » Higher self-esteem (Stronge et al., 2019) » More happiness, optimism, and life satisfaction (Feeney & Collins, 2015) » Lower levels of mental illness (Feder at al., 2019) • can give advice support -- advice and guidance that friends give us ‣ Friends perceptions of our relationships are more accurate than our own, so they can provide helpful guidance

The aftermath of break-ups

• Some couples continue a friendship after a romantic breakup, but most partnerships fade away completely. • And it can be hard once a couple splits up for good. • Many of us have strong emotions after a breakup ‣ but they're usually not as intense as we expect ‣ and they don't last forever.

Do opposites attract?

• Sometimes we like folx who are dissimilar: ‣ Discovering dissimilarities takes time » "now that I know you, oops" (we didn't know they were diff at first) ‣ Fatal Attraction » The trait we once found diff and attractive, becomes overwhelming and too diff & no longer attracted to It. ‣ Youre the person I want to become » Someone whom we admire, and the difference isn't too great ‣ Some similarities/ difference are more important than others » For some, religion matters more while others don't care if they have diff religious beliefs ‣ Self-expansion theory (Aron et al., 2006) » Argues we are attracted to ppl who are diff from us bc they expand and enrich our world views and self-concepts ‣ Complementarity » Strengths/talents that are diff from ours, and when we each happily take the leads on areas of strength we have • But not really opposite, research says: ‣ Behvrs that are truly opposite of ours are annoying/frustrating & don't contribute to relationship satisfaction (Hopwood et al., 2011) ‣ Dominant Folx tend to prefer those who are assertive to those who are passive (Markey & Markey, 2007) ‣ When marital partners differ on affiliation and control they tend to be unhappy (Cundiff et al., 2015) ‣ Impulsive folx tend to not be happier with cautious planful partners (derrick et al., 2016) » While having dissimilarities can be tolerable and enriching, we don't do well with people who are TRUE opposites to us

Break-up Scripts

• Step 1: One partner begins to lose interest • Step 2: the disinterested party start to notice others • Step 3: The disinterested party withdraws • Step 4: The couple tries to work things out • Step 5: They spend less time together • Step 6: Lack of interest resurfaces • Step 7: Someone considers breaking up • Step 8: They have a "meeting of the minds" to talk about their feelings • Step 9: Partners try again to work things out • Step 10: One or both notice other people again • Step 11: They once again spend less time together • Step 12: They go out with potential partners • Step 13: They try to get back together • Step 14: One or both think about breaking up • Step 15: They emotionally detach and "move on" (psychological preparation) • Step 16: They break up, for real for real (formally end) • Post hoc: Relational cleansing ‣ They change relational status on media, delete their photos, etc.

Mini Lecture 8: Power and Violence in Relationships To get support for yourself or a loved one ...

• THe National Domestic Violence Hotline & the UMD Counseling Center

Individual differences: Personality

• The Big 5 (OCEAN) ‣ Open-mindedness: Degree to which people are imaginative, curious, unconventional, and artistic vs conforming, uncreative, stodgy ‣ Extraversion: the degree to which ppl are gregarious, assertive, and sociable vs cautious, reclusive, and shy ‣ Conscientious: the extent to which one is dutiful, responsible, and orderly vs unreliable, disorganized, careless ‣ Agreeableness: the degree to which one is compassionate, cooperative, good-natured, and trusting ‣ Negative emotionality: the degree to which people are prone to fluctuating moods and high levels of negative emotion (ie worry, anxiety, anger)

Dysfunctional communication: unhappy couples display Negative affect when talking to each other

• The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (Gottman, 2015) ‣ Criticism (attack partners character/personality, instead of identifying a specific concerning behvr) ‣Contempt (responding with insults, mockery, hosilte humor) ‣ Defensiveness (instead of listening to complaint and treating It reasonable, partners repsnd to the complain with excuses, cross complaining, counterattacks) ‣ Stonewalling (clamming up, withdrawing into silence, often say they are helping with refusing to argue, but It compunicates disapproval, icy distance, smugness) » The presence of this can indicate a relationship is crumbling & when these are sustained for a long period of time, they are often predictive of divorce or dissolution • Ultimately, communication can completely break down and partners can respond with Belligerence ‣ Aggressive rejection of the partner's concerns -- "So what?! What are you gonna do about it?"

What are the best types of support?

• The best support fits our needs and preferences; the wrong type/amount comes with emotional costs (can feel intrusive, threaten self-esteem, foster sense of indebtedness) ‣ Invisible support: provided subtly and without fanfare ‣ Visible support: it should fit the recipient needs and goals. Effective support requires awareness of preferences and circumstances ‣ Perceived support: it's not what people do for us but our overall impression of what they do that matters most. It's the quality of interaction, not the amount of aid provided. This may be the best thing to do ‣ When we're content we perceive them to be supportive; when we're dissatisfied we perceive them to be neglectful (Lemay & Neal. 2014) ‣ Those with Insecure attachment styles feel the support they receive is less helpful (Collins & Feeney, 2010). ‣ Insecure people are more likely to consider their friend's assistance to be insufficient (Collins et al., 2010)

Attraction

• The desire to approach someone ‣ Why are we attracted to someone? » Because they're appealing... Hot?? » but maybe Its more complicated. • The assumption in Psyc is that we are attracted to ppl if Its rewarding to be w them; ‣ Fundamental basis of attraction: Instrumentality (rewards we get from them) » We like those who can help us achieve our goals and get what we want (Finkel & Eastwick, 2015) -- they give us approval, we get enjoyment, etc » rewards can be indirect too » the more rewards ppl give us and routinely fulfill our needs/desires, the more attracted we are to them » attraction can change over time as our rewards & goals are met

Working alliance

• The part of the relationship focused on the therapeutic work. • Most fundamental and widely studied component of the therapy relationship • It is strongly predictive of outcome (stronger alliances are aligned with more positive outcomes) • Components: ‣ Bond (the connection/trust between therapist and client) ‣ Agreement on goals (consensus on therapeutic tasks/goals on the changes the client needs to make) ‣ Agreement on tasks (consensus of actions that will take place during the helping process to help the client meet their agreed-upon goals) » I.e., A therapist and client genuinely like each other, working together to create insight into clients relationship patterns, and agreeing o the goals to help the client develop interpersonal skills by developing new communication strategies • Diff types of working alliances work better for diff clients: Some clients prefer helpers who are warm, while others prefer those who are more business-like. Some clients prefer a therapist who is more direct and gives advice while others prefer therapists who refrain from telling them what to do and listens and validates instead.

Factors: Proximity - More than we think

• The power of proximity: Familiarity & convenience ‣ The closer someone is, the easier It is to meet up and enjoy whatever rewards they offer ‣ The closer they are, the more likely we'll cross paths and feel familiar to each other » distant relationships are found to be less rewarding (barriers like time, money, lack of touch/affection)

need to belong theory (Baumeister & Leary, 1995)

• The theory says we need frequent, pleasurable interactions in caring relationships if we're to function normally. To fulfill this need we are driven to establish and maintain close relationships, so they can provide affection and acceptance • Evidence for the theory: ‣ Most of us form relationships w ease & resist their dissolution ‣ relationships correlated with a longer life span ‣ correlated with Improved health ‣ Holding a lover's hand reduces the brain's alarm response to a threat ‣ Pain is reduced when we look at a loving partners photo ‣ When lonely, young adults have weakened immune responses ‣ Higher mortality rates for those who live alone

Mini-Lecture 2: Attraction Attraction Research (acknowledgements)

• Theories of attraction ‣ Biological and evolutionary theories » Finding from these find that we are attracted to ppl who maximize our reproductive advantage (i.e. finding fittest mates) ‣ Psychosocial theories » Altho, some of us don't want to procreate, so in this course, we focus on psychosocial factors related to attraction • Heternormative Research Designs ‣ Many studies were conducted w cis het men & women ‣and looked at cis het attraction » altho nothing wrong with cis het love, It makes It hard to generalize the results confidently to other populations

Love and Liking Scale (Rubin, 1973)

• This scale describes love as a multifaceted experience involving giving and taking, identifying... Care and caregiving • Romantic lovers report concern for the welfare and well-being of their partners. They want to take care of them and make them happy.

Dysfunctional communication: Sending and receiving

• Trouble saying what we mean ‣ Kitchen sinking: addressing several topics at once & primary concern gets lost ‣ Off-beam conversations: drift from topic to topic so nothing gets resolved • Trouble accurately hearing each other ‣ Not double-check understanding: jump to conclusions based on presumptions & go off on rants based on assumptions ‣ Mindreading: assume others' thoughts, feelings, and opinions without asking ‣ Interrupting in negative ways to express disagreement or change topic ‣ Yes butting: listening poorly but finding something wrong or un-workable with what their partner says ‣ Cross complaining: responding with a complaint of their own -- here they fail to acknowledge the others concern

Jealousy Induction

• Trying to make your partner jealous (some believe that jealousy preserves & promotes romantic love, increasing someones commitment) ‣ Cishet women are more likely to do this than cishet men. They might: » Talk about or exaggerating their attraction to other men » Flirting with or dating others » Try to test the relationship or elicit more attention and commitment from their partners » Hope partners will react by trying to improve the relationships but they may end up driving cishet male partners away

Another way to look at adult attachment styles:

• Two dimensions/ themes underlying the four categories (Gillath et al., 2016) ‣ 1. Avoidance of intimacy: The ease and trust with which they accept interdependent intimacy with others ‣ 2. Anxiety about abandonment: dread that others will find them unworthy and leave them » The X-axis is the theme of avoidance of intimacy; the Y axis represents the anxiety of abandonment » Those who are secure are low in avoidance and low in anxiety. Those with preoccupied style want closeness but anxiously fear rejection

The transference configuration

• Two parts: these are distortions in the perceptions of the relationship ‣ Transference: The client's experience of the therapist as shaped by their past experiences » involves displacement onto the therapist of feelings, attitudes, and behaviors that belong to earlier significant relationships » I.e., the client might expect the therapist to be bored w them bc their parents ignored them and use to make them feel unworthy ‣ Countertransference: The therapist's reactions to the client and material shared by the client that are shaped by the therapist's own conflictual issues and past experiences. » ie therapist reacting poorly to clients' anger bc anger was not acceptable to express in their own family

How different therapies view the therapeutic relationship cont..

• We can group therapies into 4 broad categories: humanistic, psychoanalytic, cognitive-behavioral, Feminist ‣ Though not representative of all, but of many ‣ Each of these sees therapeutic relationship diff • Psychoanalytic therapies: believe the central mechanism to change is developing and understanding how the client distorts and perceives their present life as a result of unresolved conflicts in the past. The relationship is seen as central to the change process but seen as a means to an end. They interpret transference to understand the distortion and why they occur. • Cognitive- behavior orientation: Fundamental mechanism of change occurs through learning, using techniques like condition, modeling, persuasion. They try to change maladaptive behvrs. They focus on real relationships rather than transference/countertransference. They see the therapist-client relationship is important but seen as means-to-an-end. A strong working alliance is helpful in gathering info to use techniques. • Humanistic: Here and now; clients ability to reach self-actualization; The fundamental mechanism of change is the client's emotional experiencing/awareness. The client and therapist work towards genuineness. The relationship is highly centralized and is seen as the cause of change. The relationship is an end in and of Itself. Power is shared. • Feminist: Client empowerment; overcoming internalized disempowerment; the relationship is highly central but seen as means to an end; relationship seen as a way to empower the client

Mini-Lecture 1: Building Blocks of Relationships Intimacy is Important

• We crave contact (Its vital to us) ‣ We prefer times spent with others to time spent alone (Bernstein et al., 2018) • Satisfying interpersonal relationships... improve our mental health ‣ & It supports our physical health

Breaking up

• What do break-ups look like in nonmarital partners? ‣ 2/3 of the time, it's not mutual and only one partner wants to end ‣ In most cases, ppl use indirect strategies, instead of being upfront of breaking up (Baxter, 1984) ‣ Gradual dissatisfaction is more common than a sudden onset of discontent or a critical incident ‣ In most cases, the unhappy partner makes several disguised efforts/attempts to end the relationship before they succeed

Betrayal

• What is it? ‣ Examples: Lying and infidelity ‣ Behaviors that violate the norms of intimacy (benevolence, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness) --> may be considered treacherous to some degree » Revealing secrets, gossiping, hurtful teasing, breaking promises, etc. » Betrayal causes painful drops in perceived relational value, portrays that our partner does not value us and our relationship as much as we thought • Who betrays others? ‣ Most of us ‣ Why? » Bc most of have numerous intimate relationships (with families., friends and lovers) with competing demands betrayals occur; when we can't possibly honor all overlapping demands that intimacy and interdependency make on us.

Social Power

• What is it? ‣ Our ability to influence others and resist their influence on us ‣ It's related to the power/privilege we hold in our various social identities (ie gender, race, social orientation, SES, etc) • 55% of us say that our relationships are egalitarian (we say that each partner has the same amount of influence or power over each other) ‣ Power sharing is a big departure from traditional models of cishet marriage in which men were the dominant partners

Sexual Communication

• What is it? communicating needs, wants, desires, preferences, dislikes in sex, being open about fantasies, etc. • Barriers to it: ‣ Stigma about sex and sexual pleasure ‣ Negative body image ‣ Poor self-esteem • Benefits of clear communication ‣ Better sex, more orgasms & more sexual satisfaction ‣ More relationship satisfaction ‣ Increased sexual confidence • Strategies: ‣ https://www.essence.com/news/open- communication-better-sex

Romantic Love

• When intimacy and passion combine • Commitment does not have to be a defining characteristic of romantic love (e.g., a summer relationship that you know will end when you go away to different colleges) ‣ Passion is important in this; The experience of heightened arousal and the cognitive process of attributing passion to a person • This type of love can feel really exciting but often decreases over time

Who and what makes us jealous?

• Who? ‣ Rivalry from a friend (Bleske & Shackleford, 2001) ‣ Former lovers (Cann & Baucom, 2004) (exes) ‣ Rivals with a "high mate value" (those who are attractive/desirable to our partner) and those who make us look bad in comparison (present threats to our relationship) • What? ‣ Cishet men find sexual infidelity more distressing ‣ Cishet women find emotionality infidelity more distressing ‣ The video included in this module offers a critique of this

TMI ... Is there such a thing as too much self-disclosure?

• YES ‣ Saying too much too soon violates others' expectations ‣ It can make a poor impression (Buck & Plants, 2011) ‣ Selective secrecy also contributes to marital satisfaction (Finkenauer et al., 2009).

Coursework Audio story: How to talk about sex (and consent)

• communication starts with consent ‣? quialet deleted this note on the 7min audio

Familiarity: Repeated Contact

• mere exposure, or repeated contact, with someone increases our attraction ‣ Mkra & Van Boen, 2020: We tend to like ppl whose faces we recognize even if we have not talked to them ‣ Moreland & Bach, 1992: students are more attracted to those who attended more classes (those who looked more familiar to them) ‣ Kossinets & Watts, 2006: Students who were not acquainted, were 140x more likely to email someone with whom they had had a class with • Familiarity has Its limits: ‣ The more we interact with someone, the more time we have to discover the things we DONT like (Ie traits that are not appealing)

Reading: (Firestone, 2016) The importance of the relationship in therapy: A strong therapeutic alliance can lead to real change.

•Research found that the "therapy relationship makes substantial and consistent contributions to psychotherapy outcome independent of the specific type of treatment" and that "the therapy relationship accounts for why clients improve (or fail to improve) at least as much as the particular treatment method." •The quality and strength of the collaborative relationship betw client and therapist, typically measured as agreement on the therapeutic goals, consensus on treatment tasks, and a relationship bond." Along with empathy and genuineness, this alliance represents an integral part of the therapeutic relationship. •A good therapist has a deep interest in their client as an individual and will see and relate to them in ways that are sensitively tailored to the person's specific needs. In order to be available to a patient and establish a solid relationship built on trust and understanding, the therapist has to be equally attuned to the patient and their own state of being. "Above all the therapist must remain an authentic human being with genuine feelings." •Attachment research tells us that the biggest predictor of our attachment patterns in our relationships is the one we experienced growing up. The attachment strategy we form in our earliest years can shape the reactions we have and the reactions we create in others throughout our lives. ‣ The best way to form healthier, more secure attachments is to make sense and feel the full pain of our story, refered to as a "coherent narrative." ‣ This genuine curiosity a therapist has in their patient creates a safe space for the client to explore their own story and start to make sense of it. ‣ When the therapist reacts to someone in a different manner than they're used to or would expect, with attunement and reflection the person can form a new model for attachment. » The formation of a secure attachment to the therapist has been shown to be significantly associated with greater reductions in client distress. By experiencing a secure attachment with the therapist, the person can feel safe to start to resolve some of their old traumas and evolve their model of relating. This is why the establishment of trust in the relationship is so crucial to the success of the outcome of therapy. » It is on this groundwork of trust that a person feels safest to reveal their real selves. As they peel back the layers of their defenses, they can start to recognize their unique wants and needs, what they wish to change or who they hope to become.

Reading: (Caron, 2021) Gay couples can teach straight people a thing or two about arguing

•Same-sex couples resolve conflict more constructively than different-sex couples, and with less animosity • Constructive methods to handle disagreements, as observed by researchers of gay couples: ‣ Use humor to defuse anger » Cracking a joke in the midst of a heated moment can backfire, but when done properly, "it almost immediately releases the tension" » 2003 study compared 40 same-sex couples with 40 heterosexual couples over 12 years. The findings suggested that same-sex couples tended to be more positive when bringing up a disagreement and were also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement when compared to heterosexual couples. » "Gay and lesbian couples were gentler in raising issues, far less defensive, and used more humor than heterosexual partners," ‣ Stay Calm » If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break » During the time when you're apart don't think about the fight. Instead, practice something self-soothing, like reading a book, something distracting so that your body can calm down, » if you need to leave, you should always say when you are going to come back and rejoin the conversation; the minimum amount of time away should be 30 mins & the maximum 24 hours. » Treating your partner with respect is always important, especially during an argument when you might say things you'll regret. When your heart is racing, "all you perceive is attack, no matter what your partner is saying," » Same-sex couple try to influence one another, they are more likely to offer encouragement and praise rather than criticism or lectures ‣ Be mindful of each other's emotional needs » Women who are married to women are "constantly monitoring each other's emotions and needs and responding to them — but they are doing it for each other, so it's reciprocated," » In heterosexual couples, women are the ones who tend to do emotional monitoring and responding, but the men tend to be unaware of it and often are not doing it; that can negatively affect the couple by making them feel more frustrated, worried, irritable or upset. » The researchers found that the well-being of women married to women seemed to be affected less by the work of assessing and managing each other's emotions than that of women married to men. Earlier research suggests this could be because lesbians are more reciprocal in taking care of a spouse's emotional needs and also have a greater appreciation for doing so. ‣ Strive for equality in your relationship » Straight couples should negotiate and discuss things more; "don't presume certain roles or jobs; Its found that same-sex couples have a better quality of intimacy and friendship in their relationships ‣ Recognize and appreciate your difference » "Really appreciating those differences and similarities and figuring out how to deal with it together — that's what makes a healthy couple. » Try to be mindful of each other's diff communication styles. » "Allowing space for the person to be themselves is so important, and not shaming that person into what you want them to be," » Finally, when thinking about your differences, try not to focus too much on the negative; "Look for what your partner is doing right rather than always looking for what your partner is doing wrong,"

Coursework Videos: "Getting over" a break-up

•Video: How long does It take to get over a breakup? ‣ There hasn't been a study to track the progress of breakups at different ages. The couple's therapist says there is no magic number. If we are engaged in things we like and distracted by, at some point, we can look back at our ex and notice our feelings are not as raw, and not feel pain ‣ Using distractions can help you to start to feel better. Using a negative reappraisal strategy (remembering all the neg things about your ex) reduces your love feelings for them but can make you feel sad/unpleasant, but taking time to process the feelings is a more permanent solution rather than just ignoring them • Video: Break-ups don't have to leave you broken ‣ Relationship break-up can be tough can bring loneliness, can bring loss of self ‣ People are wrong, a breakup isn't as awful/devasting as they think ‣ Some breakups are worthy of celebrating bc some of the negative experiences and breaking up from them gain back freedom ‣ Most people saw that breakups were a positive experience. Why? ‣ Self-Expansion -- some relationships allow you to grow, be who you are, be a better you, and build you up; Some relationships are not helpful in self-expansion. They do not build you up, they hold you back, so when you get out of these, you feel like you will thrive. People who get out of these feel relieved, happy, etc. They experience less loss of self and more personal growth, self-discovery ‣ When your relationship doesn't help you become a better person, ending It does ‣ Refocusing on yourself and rediscovering who you are, accelerates coping ‣ Your relationship can leave you with cracks but Its a strength and beauty, break ups don't have to leave you broken bc you're stronger than you know

Reading: Wu, J. (2020) Which of these four attachment styles is yours? Quick and Dirty Tips.

•Your attachment style is formed early in lif, based on how we bond with our primary caregivers, and now it affects your adult relationships. ‣ Attachment styles are patterns of how we think, feel, and act in close relationships. » Secure: connected, trusting, and comfortable with having independence and letting their partner have independence even as they openly express love. They reach out for support when they need it and offer support when their partner is distressed. » Dismissive-avoidant attachment style: find it uncomfortable to get too emotionally close to others or to fully trust them; emotionally independent (avoid It). When they're rejected or hurt, they tend to pull away. » Anxious-preoccupied attachment style: crave emotional intimacy, even when their partner is not yet ready. They need a lot of approval, responsiveness, and reassurance from their partners. They can get anxious when they don't get it. They feel dependent on others for approval and doubt their self-worth. » Fearful-avoidant, a.k.a., "disorganized.": have both the dismissive and the anxious styles combined—both wanting emotional closeness and also pushing it away. They're fearful of fully trusting others and yet they need approval or validation. They often deny their feelings or are reluctant to express them. At the same time, they're more easily jealous and tend to perceive a greater threat from possible romantic rivals. ~