psych of relationship

• Steps to HEAL a codependent detachment

: not from the person but from the agony of involvement. What it looks like: releasing them in love than allowing them to feel consequences for their own behavior

. What evidence in the Bible shows how we were "Created to Relate?" Explain each: The Trinity,

Genesis 1: 26:is unity - altogether/supportive. It is not uniqueness of each person

Creation (Gen 2),

Genesis 2:18 - 24: God made woman to be helper - leave father and mother to become wife and to become one flesh

Essence of lostness (Gen 3

Genesis 3:8 -10- lost connection with God. Shame and fear enter. Need for connection

• Any stats and trends mentioned in class?

In 2013, 86.8 percent of people ages 18 or older reported that they drank alcohol at some point in their lifetime

• Describe rescue process and Cartman's Drama Triangle

Persecutor: the problem dominates, blames, tears down----- rescuer: poor you, pain reliever, the peers not being needed--- victim: for me, feels powerless, dream lost or denied

• History - know precursors in Freud/Drive Theory, Jung/Collective Unconscious, Harlow/rhesus monkeys experiment, Lorenz/Imprinting. How do these lead to Attachment Theory?

Sigmund Freud - psychodynamic theory - libidinal drives ."Drive theory" rooted in unconsciousness Carl Jung - departures from Freud - importance of collective unconsciousness inherited from ancestors. Libido not only form of core personality Harry Harlow's rhesus monkeys: the nature of love, rhesus monkeys soft over dummies with food but no good touch Konrad Lorenz imprinting - follow initial caregiver - geese - bond not tied to feeding

What is the Parental bonding Instrument? What does it measure? What did it tell you?

Two scales termed 'care' and 'overprotection' or 'control', measure fundamental parental styles as perceived by the child. The measure is 'retrospective', meaning that adults (over 16 years) complete the measure for how they remember their parents during their first 16 years. Mom was a better

psychological dependence,

a = BC addiction = belief change

, attachment/bonding,

a close enduring effectual relationship between two persons emotional support, closest and continuity. Promotes comfort and growth. More identity

• Continuum and course of addiction

abstinence - use or social - risky use regularly binge alcohol - abuse problem is anger risky behavior missing work - addiction

scapegoat

acting out kids, anger or rage, destructive, voice feelings. Steel, drugs, poor grades, most energy given to them. They feel hurt and anger

hypervigilance

always on guard. Sensitive to the stimulus around you

four: disorganized

approach or avoid

addiction is an__ disease where you_____ from people

attachment; detach

alliance addiction

became addicted by using drugs and alcohol feel better that may start with an injury

Co-Dependency • What is it? Define

being a partner in dependency life becomes unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with someone's whose life is unmanageable primarily a reactionary process where you either overreact or under react codependency is either doing things to people or for people who are perfectly capable of doing it for themselves. Key is if the other person is unmanageable

grace and love

biggest company in the New Testament Ephesians 2:7 - 17 and John: 316, Romans 5:9 - 12 and covenant of Grace believe and be saved relational reestablished bond through Jesus.

the punisher

change comes by punishing by lashing out verbally or physically

• Codependents are ENABLERS: decrease chaos - Four ways an enabler works the sufferer -

changed some by showing how much you are suffering guilt trip

Chronic Shock State (and PTSD) • Define a Chronic Shock State

children can survive through tough dramatic backgrounds that develop a way of relating to the world by using adaptive behavior that becomes counterproductive, trying to use these family rules in the world.

• Attachment effect on the brain and hormonal levels (cortisol).

cortisol levels stay high - damage calming down chemicals and brain cells die affects anger - get anger easier and staying green longer. High stress childhood - that the greater chance of difficulty in emotional stability high cortisol levels wipe out memory functions. May play a part in addiction need self soothing to fill better/normal

three avoidant

detached, dismissive; 25%

interdependent

doing things with people secure attachment

• Family rules in a family from which this shock state originates.

don't talk much: shame when say what happens in the house... No friends over... Embarrassed... Abnormal don't trust: your parents word/promises, avoid disappointment, no trusting even your own perceptions don't feel: most feelings are not justified feelings.. No crying( all give you something to cry about!) avoid feelings( no way to alter reality)

become undependent

examine how it's affected your life and do things in order to fix it

the ambivalent or anxiously attached person

fear of abandonment: feeling of being unwanted, and uncared for, and deserted by everyone. Fear that the other was will leave them. Blinded by romance: obsessive focus, idealized images of loved one, put the other on a pedestal. Belief that they are low value apart from someone else: anxiety uncertainty, self-doubt. dependency: the heart of the ambivalent attachment style: I feel incompetent others will inevitably reject me I struggled handle things on my own I need a strong protector to care for me and do things for me this is a cold endangers world where people were hurt me and disaster will strike at any time, so need to play it safe and stay close to those who are stronger and wiser I have to please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable pathways to ambivalent attachment: inconsistency in parenting, overprotection: don't want to do a normal bumps and bruises, withholding affection and approval: disapproval is paired with independency, roles reversal with parents appreciate the dependency that lead to ambivalent attachment: the anxious dependent, the melodramatic dependent: seek attention with their looks and dramatics attention seeking. The interdependent: ulcers, high blood pressure, irritability disturbing tendencies: anxiety even panic attacks, shallowness - spend so much time on the externals - not my temper and colonels, irritability, stress diseases in marriage: clean and accommodate partners wishes

• John Bowlby - His theory of attachment. Survival Advantage, primacy of primary caregiver, role of mother and primacy of external world.

first one to come up with attachment theory survival advantage link between maternal loss/deprivation and later personality development object relations of approach to psycho analysis involves events in the external world integration on transmission of attachment relation maternal deprivation later primary caregiver survival advantage for those attached well evolutions secure, strong reproduce being close to partner - life and death mother is child's ego and superego orients out the time and space provides an environment implement satisfaction of impulses restricts others only way

radical addiction

genetically predisposed first time with cocaine

• What is NOT helpful in helping children or adults coming from this state?

growing up: grow up and make sure these things will go away and deal with it. Moving away emotional cutoff. The boundaries, on those who are toxic have parents stop drinking: they have to deal with the emotions that they suppressed with alcohol having parents die. They don't have the parent who died to work on or deal with the issues at hand

codependency continued

having a dependent relationship, personally and/or professionally, with troubled, needy or dependent people impaired capacity for healthy interdependent relationships no sense of boundary or ability to recognize others need for support without detriment( hurt) to self

• What DOES HELP these individuals?

having the courage to really see where the family was like give up the illusion of what you wish you had allow self to experience feelings in a safe place for people who will affirm you identify core issues that impact life now!( Unloved, incompetent, worthless) nurture yourself. Never too late to have a happy childhood retentive relationships - every relationship in a sense, gives you another chance to resolve issues you didn't get squared away with in the previous one.

stop

how much of your life am I taking over and how much of my life is taking over yours?

2symptoms of PTSD

hypervigilance and scare easily

survivor guilt

if I create a better life, feels disloyal to the other went through the same experience

• Describe the Attachment Behavioral System (ABS) in a child.

if the caregiver is near, attentive and responsive - the child's feels security love and confidence - playful, less inhibited, smiling, sociable if the caregiver is not near, attentive and responsive - separation distress, and anxiety experienced - attachment behaviors are activated to some degree, ranging from simple visual monitoring to intense protest, cleaning, and searching

two insecurely attached

inches, cannot sell to, desperate for apparently returned. 20%

What is meant by the Internal Working Model?

interpretations of how relationships work. Predicts others' behavior from what we experience in the past

opposite of addiction

is connection

• Effects on health? How do we deaden it?

it could kill you or affect your health and a warning sign would be depression. How do we get by activating and becoming busy, using entertainment, being in bad relationships, using drugs and drinking

independent

leaving people alone

Four Styles of Infant Attachment: one- securely attached

like attachment, but does not like it when they don't but they can't self soothe 50%

Loneliness • Difference between lonesome and loneliness

lonesome-homesickness, connected in relationship, you are rooted/grounded; attachments, connected, sense of identity loneliness - homelessness, lack of identity, unwanted, unneeded, no sense of values, disconnected, universal human condition

the disorganized attached person

loss of safekeeping: dislocation is often a normal response to an abnormal circumstance. The ability to psychologically cut off thoughts, feelings, and even physical pain, and shift the experience to sell other part of the consciousness, can become desperate clinging like the anxiously attached and then switch and behave like the avoidantly attached, unable to coordinate a coherent sense of attachment pathway to the disorganized attachment style: child abuse: parents are both the source and the solution to the fear and anxiety, psychological abuse, sexual abuse and incest, exposure to severe marital conflict disturbing tendencies: tendency toward addiction, the compulsion to repeat the past, a need for chaos in turmoil: addicted to arousal, identity problems, emotional storms: difficulty knowing and understanding feelings, identification with the aggressor in a marriage: believe that even if their spouse didn't love them, they would not be capable of meeting their needs, fear their partner will inevitably hurt, disappointed, and/or let them down. Long for closeness but feel relationship is dangerous. Stay in essence,"come close please. Get away! You'll hurt me.", experience greater stress and anxiety during marital fights/arguments/disagreements

• What does good treatment involve? In addition - takeaways from Johann Hari TED talk - his premise and view of addiction and relationship (attachment)

medical (biological), psychological( it's in the head), moral( seen as sin/ idolatry, and sociocultural ( it's the culture and the way we relate) 1. Detox or 90 meetings in 90 days: controlled setting 2. Medication: and abuse - kill desire. Suboxone used to kill heroine effects 3. Education 4. Group therapy 5. Individual therapy 6. Support groups: AA or NA 7. Sponsor 8. Family therapy people bond with drugs or alcohol if you don't have friends or connections and healthy relationships. I also agree with him that we should show love that person instead of shaming them for their addiction.

Physical dependence,

need substance to hold away bad effects

• Core Values in these same families

need to control feeling of responsibility: oldest child. They are more likely apparent. More responsibility than a child should have often avoid feelings:mountains of repressed feelings into adulthood. Feel = anger( secondary emotion) repeated hurt = bitterness and distrust. Bitterness = indifference - not caring don't trust( self or others) ignoring own needs

• Four ROLES children play (for survival) in Chronic Shock State Families hero

oldest, oldest female, parental by the family they feel pressure, guilt, inadequacy

• Key Characteristics of a codependent

over responsibility and hold depends on me! Now all caregiving is codependency - Colossians 1:28 - 29, first Thessalonians 2:7 - 8 (when you make things about you than about Christ.) Galatians 6:2 - 5 protecting people from the consequences of their behavior

, safe haven,

protects others close to you from harm and provide them comfort

• Loss of Attachments lead to -

protest, despair - hopeless for moms response - being avoidant and detachment- sadness much less obvious but not as delightful as used to be flat affect I'm okay don't need it

• Caregiving Behavioral System (reciprocal parent response to ABS.

reciprocity with reciprocal parent response deactivating the system (safe haven)

• Prevalent view of recovery.

recovery consists of developing and maintaining complete absence from all addictive substances activities. Abstinence arrest the disease. Once arrested, it remains dormant. Because complete absence is difficult to achieve, the disease support is helpful in recovering from many diseases and disorders. For instance cancer support verse five Hope for people struggling cancer.

• Symptoms of this state from PTSD!!

reexperiencing with trauma. Symptoms include nightmares or trouble sleeping, intrusive thoughts( day nightmares during the day)( cycle and the brain you can't"think away") EMDR and psychic numbing adrenaline, skin grain cold PTSD = posttraumatic stress disorder

withdrawal/detox

seizures, death

high degree of___________ parents, families behavior

shame

• Three forms of Development of Addiction- Evolutionary,

social drinkers than escalate. Develop tolerance over time. 3 to 4 years to become addicted, usually during college

basic human needs

strong effectual bonds

the avoidant person: detached

struggles with emotional connection: the distance themselves from their own feelings, even when their feelings of of desire for emotional connection beliefs of those who are avoidantly attached: beliefs about others: other people are not reliable, dependable, the meeting comes to me. Others always you down, and just when you need them the most pathways of an avoidant : insensitive parenting: parents who are themselves detached from their children and dismissed their needs/emotions or reject their children, mock them or ridiculed them three shades of avoidance: the narcissist or inflated false self: layer of superiority to hide their sense of worthlessness the exiled, or disconnected, self: self-sufficiency. Don't feel the need for acceptance from others or approval from others. A sense of superiority emotional desert: barricades self against feeling emotions. The compulsive perfectionist: rigid, especially uncomfortable physical affection disturbing tendencies addictive behavior: seek substitutes for relationships, angry resentment toward God: turning away from God. Seeing him just like they see others, prone to depression and anxiety, prone to object to find sexual partners, no real emotional connection. Most promiscuous tendencies in a marriage: nearness made getting disappointed and hurt. It's best to stay disconnected, distant, and disengaged. Loneliness that I. Key parts of neutral. Keep self occupied, don't feel much anger. Don't so much of anything. Frequently marry anxiously attached people who frequently search for and cling to their mates - reinforcing their pattern of withdrawal

• Key terms: tolerance,

the amount of alcohol in the body can handle more and more for the same effect

grace, God/love

the biggest company in the New Testament Ephesians 2:7 - 17 and John 3:16, Romans 5:9 - 12+ covenant grace - believe and be saved , relational, reestablish bond through Jesus God is love and the one another's first Corinthians 13 God is love forgive one another be patient with one another etc. say love God, but don't love others - a liar first John one to be with God - love relationship with Jesus Christ - number one thing in life

• Mary (Salter) Ainsworth - Security Theory,

the nature of the child's type to his mother's grief mourns in infancy and early childhood needs security with parents before launching the infant and young child should experience a warm intimate continuous relationship with his motheror permanent mother substitute both find satisfaction and enjoyment

• Key terms and concepts: Spirituality

the response to deep and mysterious human yearning, to a cause greater than ourselves

• Disease Model of Addiction

thedisease addiction model says thataddiction is a brain disease. It is characterized by altered brain structure and functioning. These brain abnormalities caused persons with this disease to become addicted substances or activities, once exposure to these substances or activities occur. This model considers addiction irreversible once acquired

masscot

these are the jokesters. Diver from the problem they feel fear.

• KEY - Be able to identify and describe/compare the four attachment styles - and where YOU FIT with these - Secure

these people have experienced both safe haven and secure base in previous love relationships, are confident about who they are even in the face of problems don't feel pressure to perform to earn self-worth ability to regulate their own affect( mood or feeling) able to negotiate conflict express anger that stems from hope regulation to help children learn to self soothe and calm down on their upset relationship wants to help children experience relationship as safe, warm, and interesting self-awareness to help children learn how to express in words their internal experiences such as thoughts, feelings, intentions, physical sensations developmental focus to help children make the very snow melt changes of their lives: for example: learning to live within limits, becoming self motivating, dealing with separation, getting along with peers, respecting authority, and living morally tendencies: academic achievement, physical health, socially skilled, prosocial behavior, emotional strength and courage, responsibility for self in a marriage: ascribe the best motives to each other, are able to tolerate her for marks and are honest and open when hurt

lost kid

they isolate prolonged periods. Goes into the room without being seen. They feel apprehensive and lonely

the controller

they try to control and supervise the other

the waverer

this person is tired and tries everything does if/then threats. Sets boundaries but does not enforce

• STEPS in making loneliness your friend (an inside job). Any "outside things" you would suggest?

to activate, activate, activate. Get them involved in youth group activities, tell them that they are wanted and needed and that you will be there for them. Hang out with them.

secure base

to promote a place for those close to personal growth and exploratory

• The Addiction Cycle (be able to draw and describe)

top of circleclockwise: addictive agent- relief - consequences - guiltand shame( failure and personal_: why did you do that- pain - addictive agent

• Definition of addiction

uses something becomes abuse when it goes beyond normal, surrenders oneself to something habitually or obsessively. Surrender yourself to something else of the God

Addictions - Their tie to attachment?

when attachment style is insecure and one develops an addiction, a vicious cycle begins: increasing addiction leads to more and more isolation from others, and therefore perpetuating the insecure attachment style.

• Exploratory Behavior System - how/why activated and for what reason?

when proximity, safe haven and secure base are sought and comfort and growth are achieved (secure base)

reacting

without overreacting and reacting