She Kills Monsters Lines - Tilly

AGNES: What? How?

Stop acting like a sarcastic ogre all the damn time and I'll help you. Can you do that?

AGNES: Agnes.

Stop being an ass-hat, Agnes.

Agnes: No! Wrong answer! Miles: Agnes...

Stop.

AGNES: What?

Succubus!

AGNES: Suck you what?

Succubus. Demon girls from the demon world who like to do demonic things like sucking.

Agnes. Can we not call it Miles?

Sure. I don't have to call it Miles.

(Gabbi and Tina run out.)

That seemed really effective.

ORCUS: Man, you're gonna make me miss Quantum Leap.

That's inconsequential.

Evil Gabbi: I think the reason why she was looking at you, Evil Tina, is because she has the hots for you.

That's not true.

AGNES: I'm not a homophobe!

That's not what it looks like to me.

Agnes: Real mature.

"Real mature."

Agnes: Seriously, that's not something to joke about.

"Seriously, that's not something to joke about."

Agnes: Stop that!

"Stop that!"

Agnes: That's not funny!

"That's not funny."

Agnes: ...Are you guys not going to help?

(Ad-lib)

Agnes: ...Like "beauty is in the eye of..."

(Ad-lib)

Chuck: Congratulations, you have finished the Quest for the Lost Soul of Athens.

(As NARRATOR) And so... Agnes the Ass-hatted accomplished her very first quest. Soon she would embark on another and then another and so forth and so on for the rest of her life. Miles the boyfriend who would soon become Miles the fiancé and finally Miles the husband and father would join her on her many quests alongside Chuck the Big Brain'd and Tilly's old group of friends, Ronnie the Slacker, Kelly the not-so-good-legged, and Lilly the closeted. Tilly was never forgotten, Agnes got married, and eventually the world finally embraced geeks not as outsiders, but as awesome. Agnes moved out of that old house and brought the mantle memories of an average life with her. And this made her happy.

(Enter.)

(As NARRATOR): In a time before Facebook, World of Warcraft, and Massive Multiplayer Online RPGs, there once existed simply a game. Forged by the hands of nerds, crafted in the minds of geeks, and so advanced in its advanciness it would take a whole second addition to contain all its mighty geekery. And here in the land of Ohio during the year of 1995, one of the rarest types of geeks walked the earth. A Dungeon Master without fear, prejudice, or a penis. This nerd was a girl-nerd, the most uncommon form of nerd in the world and her name was Tilly Evans.

Kaliope: So it can take on any form.

A friend.

AGNES: Okay! So we're going into a cave, let's go!

Actually, Agnes, before we can go any further. We're going to have to equip you and build you a character. You can't just walk around looking like that.

Agnes: ...

Agnes.

Agnes: ...because you died.

Agnes.

Agnes: But you are.

Agnes.

Agnes: Do it.

Agnes... Can you do me a favor?

AGNES: ...

Agnes?

AGNES: Seriously, does no one here like wearing all their clothes?

Along with her natural Elvin agility, athleticism, and ass-kicking abilities, she's also a master tracker, lock-picker, and has more than a few magical surprises up her non-existent sleeves. No pointy-eared creature has ever rocked so much lady hotness.

Agnes. Really.

Alright! You hear that, Miles! We're gonna kill the crap out of you and your dumb face!

LILITH: Vanquish the dragon.

And save my soul.

KALIOPE: Agnes the Ass-hatted, welcome to our party.

And so it was that Agnes the Ass-hatted and Tillius the Paladin ventured forth into the dark dwellings of the truly evil and quite large in stature, ORCUS THE OVERLORD OF THE UNDERWORLD, in search for the lost soul of Athens. But what they found deep in that cave was not what they were prepared for in the least.

KALIOPE: I'm in the mood for danger.

And then there's-

AGNES: Fine. I'll just take a regular sword.

And what will be your name?

KALIOPE: Yes, Noble Paladin Tillius.

Any word on Orcus's location?

Agnes: I'm getting to know your friends.

Are you judging them?

Agnes: ...

Are you still mad at me for making you kill your boyfriend?

AGNES: ...I shouldn't have to learn about you through a role-playing game.

At least you're getting to learn something about me.

Agnes: He liked you.

He touched me.

Agnes. Whatever, he's my boyfriend!

He's a fart-knocker.

EVIL GABBI: Not so fast there, nerd.

Hey guys, what's up?

Agnes. Am I going crazy?

Hey, it's better than being dead..

Agnes. Hey.

Hey.

AGNES: Wait. What magic?

I call on... MAGIC MISSILE!

Agnes: Tilly, shoot them with a magic missile.

I can't.

AGNES: She's dirty.

I didn't think this would upset you like it does.

Agnes: So how come you had to make a game to tell me all this?

I didn't want to tell you all this if that's what you're wondering. This game was supposed to be private.

Agnes: Why'd you make Miles a flesh-eating jello-mold?

I don't know.

Agnes: Yeah. She's straight, isn't she?

I don't know.

Agnes: What do you mean you can't?

I forgot the spell.

Agnes. It must have been hard.

I guess.

Agnes: No.

I know they're geeky, I'm geeky, we're all geeks.

Agnes: This isn't fair, Tilly, and you know it.

I thought you were here to save my soul. I guess you didn't mean it. Quest is over, guys! We lost. The last adventure I will ever take ended in a forfeit!

Agnes: Did that sorta stuff really happen? I mean in real life?

I was a dorky fifteen-year-old closeted lesbian, what do you think?

AGNES: The names of these locations are terrible.

I was going to go back and give them better names later, but - you know - I sorta died before I could get to it.

Agnes: What were you two doing?

I was, uh... kissing my girlfriend.

ORCUS: Some cheez-whiz? It's wicked good.

I wish to free a soul.

Agnes: ...I can't beat up students.

I woulda.

Agnes: What?

I wrote something for Lilly. In here. Can you give it to her?

FARRAH: You've reached the end of your adventure. Time to die, dummies!

I'll be your Huckleberry.

Evil Tina: I hate liars.

I'm not lying!

Agnes. Tilly, you can talk to me-

I'm not really her, you know?

Chuck: I love you, my sister.

I'm sorry I can't be there.

Evil Gabbi: I said not to turn around, bitch!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Miles: I look like a big fat blob?

If you got in trouble, we would have stepped in.

(Enter Orcus's Cave)

It is I, the great Paladin Tillius, healer of the wounded, defender of lights, and I have come here to-

Agnes: This is not fair, Tilly!

It's a boss, it's not supposed to be fair!

Agnes: What?

It's a shapeshifter.

Agnes: What do you mean you forgot the spell?

It's a thing. A D&D thing. It's not going to help us.

Agnes: What is this?

It's for her.

Agnes: Shut up.

It's just a game.

Agnes: He wants to get to know you - us - better.

It's not really the same thing, now is it?

Agnes: This is the right Castle of Evil, right?

It's the right castle.

AGNES: What are you doing?

Just shut up.

(Lilith dies.)

LILITH!!!

Agnes: Ah!

Let her go!

AGNES: Fine.

Lilith! Kaliope! Orcus! Where are they?

LILITH: Can I eat it?

Lilith, you said you were quitting.

Agnes: Tilly!

Maybe because he sucks.

Agnes: What about you?

Me? I get the girl.

Agnes: That trick was really uncool.

Miles is really uncool.

ORCUS: Sure. Which one?

Mine.

AGNES: I fight back!

My character does the same.

Miles: Getting to know who, babe?

My character's not dead.

ORCUS: ...That Clooney Cat is a cutie!

My friends, I cannot ask for you all to come with me. The journey before us is too perilous and the prize too personal for me to expect you to risk your lives. I'm just one warrior and you all have so kush ahead of you. Please if you do not wish to continue, you have my blessing to stay right here and be safe.

AGNES: So I can't have a sword like that one?

NO!

LILITH: Violence makes me hot.

Next up is Kaliope Darkwalker. Class: Dark Elf.

Evil Tina: I don't speak "ow" either.

No, I do I do! I think you're very pretty, you're so pretty!

AGNES: This isn't good, is it?

No, not good at all.

Agnes: Is that why you guys play this?

No, we play it because it's awesome. It's about adventures and saving the world and having magic. And maybe - I guess - in some teeny capacity, it might have a little to do with wish fulfillment. Kelly gets to walk without crutches, Ronnie gets to be super strong...

AGNES: So do we fight them?

No, we run. GO!!!

AGNES: Agnes.

No, what will be your character name?

ORCUS: I totally agree. I am bad news. Look at me. I'm red. I got horns. I'm totes evil.

No, you're coming with us.

Agnes: Are you okay?

No.

Evil Tina: Are you saying I'm ugly?

No.

Evil Tina: Were you just looking at me?

No. Not specifically. I was just looking, you know, in your general direction and then you stepped into my line of... fleeing.

AGNES: Are they a boss?

No. They're just really mean.

AGNES: Tillius is a guy's name.

No. Tillius is a D&D name. I'm female, she's female, and we're lovers.

AGNES: You're in this game?

Of course I am. I made it up, didn't I?

AGNES: I do. But I don't know exactly what I'm doing-

Of course you don't. You're a noob.

ORCUS: Not for nothing. Have you ever seen Twin Peaks?

Oh God.

AGNES: ...a bad thing, right?

Oh crap.

Agnes: I met Lilly, by the way. The real one.

Oh yeah?

Agnes: What the hell?

Oh, I don't think Boss Number Two was actually a gelatinous cube.

Agnes: ...It was 10,000 Maniacs.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's so much less lame.

AGNES: Whoa, what the hell?

Oh, hey there, Agnes. Nice gloves.

Agnes: Owwww!

Okay, I would love to join.

AGNES:...This isn't therapy

Okay, big sis. If you really want to play, then let's play. But first you're going to have to meet the rest of our party.

Agnes: What?

Okay, no, he didn't. But he mighta.

Agnes: OWWWW!

Okay.

AGNES: Wait, you're the lost soul of Athens?

Orcus, can I have it back or not?

ORCUS: ...Your secret's safe with me.

Orcus, tell us the location of the Tiamat! Now!

Agnes: Fine. Let's fight it.

Really?

AGNES: What can I do?

Start playing this game correctly.

Agnes: I love him.

Then how come you're not married to him?

AGNES: ...There's no way I'm anti-gay.

Then what's with the denial?

CHUCK: And then-

There's me. I'm the brains of this operation. Name: Tilly Evans aka Tillius the Paladin, healer of the wounded and protector of lights. Class: Awesome.

Agnes: Go away.

They're right, you know.

AGNES: What's the Tiamat?

This is Tiamat.

AGNES: Tilly-

This is a D&D adventure, not therapy.

AGNES: I guess a sword. A regular sword. Like yours.

This is not a regular sword.

AGNES: Tilly?

Tillius actually. The Paladin.

AGNES: ...because Tillius is a guy character.

Tillius isn't a guy character.

AGNES: Talking on the phone. What are you doing?

Trying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of electricity.

Evil Gabbi: What do you say?

Uh-

Evil Gabbi: The awesome evil club!

Uh...

Evil Tina: Then do you think I'm pretty?

Uh...

AGNES: Tilly, why'd you make everyone gay?

Um, I don't know. If I were to take an educated guess, I'd venture to guess that maybe the author of this world was into wearing tank tops and The Indigo Girls.

AGNES: That's-

Useless. I didn't pull off killing her. And now she's stolen my soul for revenge.

Lilith: ...where oh where can all the monsters be?

Watch out, Agnes! Demon!

Agnes: He wanted to come.

We already have five people in our party.

Agnes: ...he has my back.

We have your back.

AGNES: ...

We should get back on the road. Are you coming?

CHUCK: Tillius uses a revive spell to restore all of Agnes's hit-points. You get back on your feet.

We stand side-by-side and raise our weapons.

CHUCK: So you're on a beachside with a dark forest to your right and the endless sea to your left...and then

Welcome to New Landia, stranger. I am-

Agnes: So where is it?

Well, Agnes, there's something you should know about Tiamat.

Evil Tina: Yummy, I was looking for a snack.

Well, he didn't last long.

Kaliope: We really miss her. Agnes: Me too.

What are you doing?

NARRATOR VO: Tilly however was anything but average.

What are you doing?

Evil Gabbi: Do you want to join our club?

What club is that?

Agnes: What happened back there with the evil Cheerostitutes?

What did it look like?

ORCUS: Yeah, this is a bit embarrassing but I sorta lost your lost soul.

What do you mean you lost my lost soul?

Agnes: Um, Tilly, what's happening?

What do you think is happening, "Big Sis"? This is a D&D adventure. And what would a D&D adventure be if you didn't get to fight a dragon?

Agnes: ...This is Miles, the real Miles, my boyfriend.

What's he doing here?

Evil Gabbi: ...make out with me for one whole minute.

What?

ORCUS: Yeah, I mean I sorta traded it in for this badass TV/VCR combo from the um, Tiamat.

What?

Agnes: You made my boyfriend a jello-mold?

What? No.

All: Tiamat.

What? You didn't actually think I was a paladin, did you? Everyone knows paladins can't shoot magic missiles.

Agnes: Well, it doesn't matter, cause neither one of us is ready.

Whatever you say...

ORCUS: You're Tillius the Paladin, correct?

Correct.

AGNES: It looks like they're over there, taking a nap.

Elves and demons don't sleep.

AGNES: What party?

Every adventurer has a party. This one's ours. Cue the intro music. Go. First up is Lilith Morningstar. Class: Demon Queen.

Agnes: Why do you think I care about that stuff?

Everyone else does or did. I mean until I got hit by a car and then suddenly, wow, I'm the most popular girl in school.

ORCUS: TRADED your sould to Tiamat.

For nothing?

Agnes: Miles, get back! Miles: Why?

Get back behind us, dummy!

(Enter after fight.)

Good job.

AGNES: What's your special skill? Being a-

Guys, stop it. Orcus is a demon overlord of the underworld. If there's a lost soul, he'll either have it or at least know where it is. Kaliope is our tracker. If he's near, she'll know his location.

Orcus: No way.

Guys, you're not helping.

KALIOPE: He knows where your soul is?

He gave it to the Tiamat.

AGNES: What's with not giving your girlfriend a full costume?

She's a she-devil.

Orcus: Oh snap, she went there!

So are we giving up or what?

AGNES: Sorry

So are you sure you want to do this?

Agnes: Tilly?

So did you have fun?

Kaliope: A doppelganger to be exact.

So go kill it, sis. Yay!

CHUCK: You examine the Bugbears. they are neither bugs nor bears.

So this game is mundane, huh? All we do is talk and walk? You want more action?

AGNES: A shield I can do.

So what will be your alignment?

ORCUS: ...middle of a Twin Peaks Marathon...

So you just gave my soul to Tiamat?

AGNES: Yes. Yes, I can do that.

You promise?

ORCUS: FORMER Overlord of the Underworld! I quit.

You quit? You can't quit.

AGNES: Wait, don't I get a turn?

You wasted your turn examining the Bugbears.

AGNES: I thought I knew you, Tilly. At least good enough to know whether you dug girls or boys at this point in your life.

You were busy.

AGNES: I'm not wearing what she's wearing.

You're going to at least need a shield.

Miles: So this is Dungeons and Dragons, huh? Neat.

You're not serious.

Lilith: ...before it kills us?

You're right. Okay, team, let's kill Miles!

Chuck. Huge damage! Agnes is down.

Your character is dying, Agnes. What do you want to do?

Agnes: You're not real. You're gone.

But this story remains. And isn't that essentially all that life is - a collection of stories? This is one of mine.

ORCUS: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

But we've come here to battle.

Agnes: What?

Did you have fun? That's the point in all this. Did you have fun? Good.

AGNES: The will of the creator?

Does that bother you, Agnes?

AGNES: You do know you look like a Thundercat, right?

Elf!

Agnes: Wait. No.

See, and once again, you're choosing your boyfriend over me.

AGNES: What in the hell is she wearing?

She acts as our squad's muscle. Whenever you're surrounded by an armada of Ogres, she's the one you want holding the steel. She is a perfect combination of both beauty and brawn.

Agnes. Stop.

Why? So I can watch you run off and move in with Slimy McSlimerface over there and forget all about me?

(Agnes kills Miles.)

Wow. And I was just starting to like that guy. Too bad. Let's go.

AGNES: NO! Wait. I need a time-out.

Wow. I never took you for a homophobe.

Agnes. I thought you liked him.

Yeah, I loved watching you two make-out everyday to that Cranberries CD.

Agnes: I'm twenty-four, I don't need to be married.

Yeah, but twenty-four in Ohio time is like geriatric, it's like super old, it's like thirty. Shouldn't you already have a kid? Or two?

AGNES: Noooo.

Yeeeees.

AGNES: Wait, is that really a stat?

Yep, totally is. You're less dumb! Yay! Now where's the rest of our team?

AGNES: No.

Yes.

AGNES: You fought that?

Yes.

Agnes. I would never forget about you.

You did when I was alive.

ORCUS: Seriously, I'm totally fine with just chillin'-

You don't get a choice.

AGNES: What?

You heard me, Orcus. I want my soul back.

AGNES: That actually does sound interesting.

You lost my soul, Orcus, so now you're going to have to help me get it back.