Stress Management Chapter Three

Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a description of the needs that motivate human behavior. In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed five different kinds of human needs.

5. Social Skill

Proficiency in managing relationships and building networks Ability to find common ground and build rapport

What comes out when someone is angered?

Rage Hostility Impatience Envy Fear Jealousy Prejudice Prejudice Guilt Frustration

Anger: requires an identifiable object and cognitive rational of blame

Rage: is instinctual and uncontrollable once activated Is this anger or did the emotions develop into rage?

1. Self-Awareness

Recognizing your own strengths and weakness

Healthy Catharsis

Releasing those strong and/or repressed emotions in such a way that healing actually begins to occur

Physiological

Physiological needs are the physical requirements for human survival. If these requirements are not met, the human body cannot function properly and will ultimately fail. Physiological needs are thought to be the most important; they should be met first. This is the first and basic need on the hierarchy of needs. Without them, the other needs cannot follow up. Physiological needs include: Breathing Water Food Sleep Clothing Shelter Sex

Studies show...

That income beyond 75,000/year does not impact happiness It's how we spend money - generosity has a positive affect

4. Empathy

Ability to understand the emotional makeup of others

Fear of Loss of Self-Dominance

- loss of control over major events - loss of control over circumstances in one's life - loss of personal freedoms - common in hopeless-helpless personality The hardest things in life to do is to get rid of a relationship with a family member who makes you suffer! Think about those in your life who cause you strife

Most Famous Quotes

"Adjustments are necessary along the way because life isn't always rosy, but it is always worth living..." "You should never live according to what you lack" "There are two types of risk in life: the danger of trying and the danger of not trying" "I was never crippled until I lost hope" "If you can't get a miracle, become one" "It's a lie to think you're not good enough. It's a lie to think you're not worth anything" "The challenges in our lives are there to strengthen our convictions. They are not there to run us over"

Higher self / Smaller self

"Self" = True self "self" = False, ego drive self

Self-Actualization

"What a man can be, he must be." This quotation forms the basis of the perceived need for self-actualization. This level of need refers to what a person's full potential is and the realization of that potential. Maslow describes this level as the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be. Individuals may perceive or focus on this need very specifically. For example, one individual may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent. In another, the desire may be expressed athletically. For others, it may be expressed in paintings, pictures, or inventions. As previously mentioned, Maslow believed that to understand this level of need, the person must not only achieve the previous needs, but master them.

Fear of Isolation

- evolved from one of our early survival instincts (we fear loneliness because it is more likely that we would survive if we lived in a group) - often feel that in order for our actions to be meaningful, someone has to notice them

Strategies to Overcome Fear

- Make a gratitude list (develop a list of all the things you are grateful for. you will start to see that there is more in your life than you realize!) - Positive Affirmations (these are reminders that become a part of your daily routine - you become what you think you are!) - Chunk it out! (break an overall process or goal into manageable chunks, or tasks. stop trying to solve (and worry about) the entire problem as a whole. instead, break the problem into manageable pieces and either delegate different pieces to different people or think about solving each piece by itself, one piece at a time) - Goal Setting - Have Your "Go-To" Person! (associate yourself with those who will only help you overcome your fears. they can help you along in your journey) - Others? If used properly and regularly - these strategies lead to systematic desensitization! That is that overtime, you become less likely to be fearful of whatever it is that is stressing you.

Fear of Rejection

- associated with low self-esteem - starts as children seeking approval from parents - leads to a fear of commitment or intimacy

Fear of Failure

- based on self-acceptance - people are less likely to try new ventures - conditioned response from past efforts when they did not meet expectations - perception is low confidence, low self-value and low self-acceptance

Fear of Death

- can be useful when danger is present (flight or fight) - includes fear of heights, small planes, etc. - have many unresolved issues in their lives and many regrets tend to have a lot of stuff (i.e. hoarders)

Fear of the Unknown

- comfort in the known (even if it is not good) - why people stay in bad relationships, jobs, etc; - can be paralyzing; fear causes panic by lack of information - the universe makes you feel defenseless Remember Wayne Dyer: He talked earlier about Guilt and Worry - sound like the Fear of the Unknown

Symptoms of Depression

- persistent sadness - a loss of interest or pleasure in activities - lethargic moods with decreased productivity - loss of appetite or overeating habits - excessive fatigue - difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions - hopelessness in personal and professional lives - alcohol and/or drug use to cope with problems - thoughts of death or suicide

Stress is the consequence of desires with attachments...

...let go of attachments and inner peace can be realized

"Self-Actualization"

...term that Maslow coined to describe those people who could rise above the daily hassles of life and reach their highest potential. ...realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

Elements for a healthy Catharsis:

1. Cast/pointed in the direction of the provocation (Must be directed at what/who is the issue) 2. Must restore a sense of self-control (The only real control) 3. Must change the behavior of the provoker - OR - provide insight to create personal resolution (The person that is causing the issue must be changed or give you an understanding as to why they act that way) 4. Expressed in understandable language (Does not have to be verbal) 5. Must not provide a reaction (can not be a retaliation)

Lessons from "Man's Search for Meaning"

1. He who has a 'why' to live for, can bear almost any 'how' 2. Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which a man can aspire. 3. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Creative Anger Strategies

1. Know your anger style 2. Learn to monitor your anger 3. Learn to de-escalate your anger 4. Learn to out-think your anger 5. Get comfortable with ALL of your feelings 6. Plan ahead 7. Develop a strong support system 8. Develop realistic expectations ... 9. Learn problem-solving techniques 10. Stay in shape 11. Turn complaints into requests 12. Practice the art of forgiveness

Passive Anger vs Active/Aggressive Anger

1. The Somatizer (Passive) 2. The Self-Punisher (Passive) 3. The Exploder (Active) 4. The Underhander (Active)

Five Stages of Human Needs, According to Abraham Maslow

1. Physiological Needs (needing to eat, drink, and sleep) (bottom of the pyramid) 2. Safety (earning money, finding shelter, collecting resources) 3. Love and Belonging (belonging to a society, being close to friends and family) 4. Esteem (looking for respect, self-confidence, and wanting to BE someone, motivation to compete) (feeling special) 5. Self Actualization (relax, be creative, accept facts for what they are, no more pressure, doing whatever you want) (only disturbed if one of the things above are disrupted) (top of the pyramid)

Research tells us that...

1. There's a strong correlation between happiness and trust (Robinson, 2008) 2. Money doesn't buy happiness, but poverty promotes stress (Deaton, 2008) 3. There is a strong correlation between happiness and the ability to exercise creativity 4. Fulfilling relationships (quality friendships) are the cornerstone to lifelong happiness 5. Geography does not indicate happiness (some of the happiest people live in cold climates) 6. Until one's basic needs are met, happiness is elusive (Graham, 2010) 7. Serotonin is known as the happiness hormone (Sommers, 1997) 8. Freedom contributes to happiness - to a point, but too much freedom can lead to stress

Man's Search for Meaning

A 1946 book by Victor Frankl chronicling his experiences as an Auschwitz concentration camp inmate during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose in life to feel positively about, and then immersivity imagining that outcome.

The following are some of the traits (aka inner resources) he noted that help us rise above the mundane aspects of life:

A highly efficient perception of reality Acceptance Naturalness and spontaneity Problem centering Solitude and independence A continual freshness of appreciation Creativity Interpersonal relationships Human kinship A democratic character A strong sense of ethical values Resistance to enculturization A sense of humor Mystical or peak experiences

Mystical or Peak Experience:

A moment accompanied by a euphoric mental state often achieved by self-actualizing individuals.

2. Self-Regulation

Ability to control personal impulses Propensity to think before acting

Love/Belonging

After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. This need is especially strong in childhood and it can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents. Deficiencies within this level of Maslow's hierarchy - due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism, etc. - can adversely affect the individual's ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general. Social Belonging needs include: Friendships Intimacy Family According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among social groups, regardless whether these groups are large or small. For example, some large social groups may include clubs, co-workers, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, gangs, and online communities. Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved - both sexually and non-sexually - by others.[2] Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. This need for belonging may overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure.

Acceptance

Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Depression

Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

Anger

Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

Elements of Fear

Anxiety Worry Doubt Paranoia Embarrassment Others?

Dyer: Guilt and Worry

Both guilt and worry are considered to be wasted emotional energy because they immobilize our thought. No amount of guilt will change the past! No amount of worry will change the future! Guilt and worry rob us from living in the present moment... a place that many people rarely spend much time.

Somatizer - Passive Style of Anger Mismanagement

Choose not to express feelings of anger overtly. Passive behavior style that takes its toll on the body. Suppress them for fear of rejection and loss of approval by those who cause the anger. Symptoms: Migraines Headaches Ulcers Arthritis

"Overcoming" fear...

Countdown from 5

Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.

Emotional Literacy: Ability to feel & safely express the entire range of human emotions and to control them, rather than be controlled by them.

Emotional Literacy is made up of five components: 1. Self-Awareness 2. Self-Regulation 3. Motivation 4. Empathy 5. Social Skill

Esteem

Esteem needs are ego needs or status needs develop a concern with getting recognition, status, importance, and respect from others. All humans have a need to feel respected; this includes the need to have self-esteem and self-respect. Esteem presents the typical human desire to be accepted and valued by others. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain recognition. These activities give the person a sense of contribution or value. Low self-esteem or an inferiority complex may result from imbalances during this level in the hierarchy. People with low self-esteem often need respect from others; they may feel the need to seek fame or glory. However, fame or glory will not help the person to build their self-esteem until they accept who they are internally. Psychological imbalances such as depression can hinder the person from obtaining a higher level of self-esteem or self-respect. Most people have a need for stable self-respect and self-esteem. Maslow noted two versions of esteem needs: a "lower" version and a "higher" version. The "lower" version of esteem is the need for respect from others. This may include a need for status, recognition, fame, prestige, and attention. The "higher" version manifests itself as the need for self-respect. For example, the person may have a need for strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, and freedom. This "higher" version takes guidelines, the "hierarchies are interrelated rather than sharply separated". This means that esteem and the subsequent levels are not strictly separated; instead, the levels are closely related.

Leo Buscaglia was of the opinion that until you can learn to love yourself unconditionally, you will have stress.

Fear is the absence of love. Self-love begins with cultivating self-esteem. "Love and self are one and the discovery of either is the realization of both"

Why does anger happen?

Generally speaking anger occurs when our expectations are not met

Self-Punisher - Passive Style of Anger Mismanagement

Get angry at themselves for getting angry at others; which turns their anger into guilt. Passive behavior style that takes its toll on the body in different ways than the somatizer. They punish themselves with control measures which in effect lower their own self-esteem. Symptoms: Over acting Starvation Excessive drinking Excessive sleeping Cutting Over eating

Nick Vujicic: Life Without Limbs

He was born tetra-amelia without fully formed limbs. In spite of this, he has gone on to become one of the most sought-after public/motivational speakers.

Rage

If anger is a result of unmet expectations; RAGE is the physical (or verbal) manifestation of this anger! Road rage, sports rage, phone rage, gas pump rage, have become too common nationwide Unresolved anger issues have a direct connection to many chronic health conditions

Kubler-Ross: Stages of the Grief Cycle

Normal Functioning: Shock and Denial (Avoidance, Confusion, Fear, Numbness, Blame) Anger (Frustration, Anxiety, Irritation, Embarrassment, Shame) Depression and Detachment (Overwhelmed, Blahs, Lack of energy, Helplessness) Dialogue and Bargaining (Reaching out to others, Desire to tell one's story, Struggle to find meaning for what has happened) Acceptance (Exploring options, A new plan in place) Return to Meaningful Life: (Empowerment, Security, Self-Esteem, Meaning)

Fear

Noun - an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat Verb - be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening Fear is the flight in "fight-or-flight" Rational vs. Irrational Fears / Warranted vs. Unwarranted Fears Much like stressful threats, the body doesn't understand the difference between rational/irrational - or warranted/unwarranted fears

Safety

Once a person's physiological needs are relatively satisfied, their safety needs take precedence and dominate behavior. In the absence of physical safety - due to war, natural disaster, family violence, childhood abuse, etc. - people may (re-)experience post-traumatic stress disorder or transgenerational trauma. In the absence of economic safety - due to economic crisis and lack of work opportunities - these safety needs manifest themselves in ways such as a preference for job security, grievance procedures for protecting the individual from unilateral authority, savings accounts, insurance policies, disability accommodations, etc. This level is more likely to predominate in children as they generally have a greater need to feel safe. Safety and Security needs include: Personal security Financial security Health and well-being Safety needs against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts

Seligman believes that positive thoughts are an inherent part of the human condition and we need to cultivate, nurture and enhance these for emotional balance in times of stress.

Positive Psychology 1. Positive Emotions 2. Positive Personality Traits 3. Positive Institutions

Learned Helplessness: a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed.

Optimist (Better health, Live longer, Lower cancer rate) Pessimist (Give up easier, Easily depressed, Frequently ill)

Victim Triangle

Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim

"The Constitution only gives you the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." - Ben Franklin

Positive psychology is a study of what Aristotle called "The Good Life"

Shirzad is the author of the New York Times bestselling Positive Intelligence. He has been the CEO of the largest coach training organization in the world, having trained faculty at Stanford and Yale business schools.

Shirzad lectures on Positive Intelligence at Stanford University, where he guides graduate students through his popular six-week PQ training. A preeminent C-suite advisor, Shirzad has coached hundreds of CEOs and their executive teams. His background includes PhD studies in neuroscience in addition to a BA in psychology, an MS in electrical engineering, and an MBA from Stanford.

Exploder - Active Style of Anger Mismanagement

Stereotype of uncontrolled aggression - like a volcano Express their anger in a hostile manner, either verbally or physically Exploders hold in their feelings of anger and often erupt at people or objects which are not associated with the primary cause of the frustration Often times, this anger is used as a tool of intimidation to maintain control of a situation or other people's emotions Form of intimidation to maintain control on others emotions Often Type A personalities Symptoms: Coronary heart disease

3. Motivation

Strong desire to achieve Generally optimistic

Victim Consciousness

The habit of thinking something outside of us is responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness.

Self Control

The only real control is self-control 1. stop 2. think 3. what could happen? 4. is this what I want? All unresolved anger issues become control issues The control is an illusion, because by staying angry, you give your power away.

Catharsis

The process of releasing; thereby providing relief from strong and/or repressed emotions

"When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred"

Thomas Jefferson

Toxic Thoughts

Thoughts that are a form of negative self-defeating self-talk, a form of ego-generated pessimism that often sabotages our best efforts

Bargaining

Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

Underhander - Active Style of Anger Mismanagement

Usually inflicts mild abuse to individuals within one's proximity. Usually focus aggression toward the target with little acts of aggression that are somewhat socially acceptable. See themselves as life's victim and seek to revenge for injustices to their ego. Examples: Facebook jabs Subtweeting Walking into meeting late Sarcasm (verbal sabotage)

Conflict cannot survive without your participation - Wayne Dyer

You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be - Wayne Dyer

Depression

feelings of severe despondency and dejection

What is anger?

noun - a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility Anger is a natural emotion to experience.