The Funeral

Maybe I'll have to cause some problems of my own.

About what?

Leave my inheritance alone.

And if I refuse?

You wouldn't! You wouldn't.

Don't bet on it. You forgot that five years ago I gave you a piece of advice.

If you must know, I came to pay my respects to my favorite uncle.

Favorite my foot, you never cared about him when he was alive, why all the concern now?

No.

Fine. You'll have no problem with me.

Oh, I call it extortion, but it's such an ugly word.

I don't have a choice, do I?

Rico

I don't know what you're talking about.

What was that?

I reminded you that you may be his niece, but I sleep with him, so don't mess with me.

Really? Wasn't it true that when Uncle Sam came to you complaining or chest pains, you told him it was probably a cold.

I said that, but when things got worse I called the paramedics.

What grounds do you plan to contest the will on?

I'm not sure, but with your past I have a large variety of sleazy items to choose from.

What, tell me.

I'm sure he wants to warn you that if you're in the will I plan to contest it.

Is it? Then explain why you married an eighty-seven-year-old man, only after finding out he had a bad heart, bad lungs, and has been impotent since since 1947.

Okay, you know why I married the old buzzard and so do I, but try and bring it out and all it will look like is the jealous niece against the grieving widow. You don't stand a chance.

That's not true. He was warm, He was kind. He was...

Rich!

Actually Bruce Marshall told me to come.

Sam's lawyer, why?

This all sounds pretty funny coming from the person who killed him.

That's a horrible lie!

Then these photos will have more circulation than the New York Times.

That's extortion.

Before or after he stopped breathing?

That's it! Okay, listen up. This is a funeral and I would like to bury my husband with some peace and dignity if that's alright with you, you cheap broad.

About marrying Sam for his money.

That's ridiculous.

Lucy, Lucy, extortion is such an ugly word.

Then what would you call it?

Trust me, I remember that.

Then you didn't heed my warning, so now you have to pay.

I don't know. He said that he wanted to talk to me after the service.

Wait a minute, I know why. It has to do with the reading of the will tomorrow.

I'm afraid I can. When you gave me the warning I decided to keep my eye, and other things focused on you. That Little Bo-Peep oufit really isn't very flattering. You can keep those, I have lots of copies.

What do you want?

Where are you going? To Rico?

Who was that?

A little louder dear, I don't think I they heard you in New Jersey.

Why don't you leave. Nobody wants you here.

Well, hello Aunt Lucy. I'm surprised to see you here.

Why? Didn't think I'd show up at my own husband's funeral?

I knew you'd see it my way. It's always so nice to see you, dear.

Witch!

Yes, but I didn't think the Betty Ford clinic would let you out till your treatments were finished.

Witty as usual. Tell me dear, did you come alone or did you bring one of your tricks?

That stinks.

Yes it does. So why don't you slink out the way you came in.

Okay, I see where this is heading, so why don't we cool it. This is a funeral.

Yes it is and since funerals are usually attended by people with manners, grace and class, whatever possessed you to attend?

You don't? He's been your gardener for five years. You know, tall, good looking. Drives a rolls. You must pay him very well.

You can't prove a thing.