The Mousetrap 1.1

PARA: You have several guests, then?

There's Mrs. Boyle and Major Metcalf and Miss Casewell and a young man called Christopher Wren. And now, you.

CHRIS: No, thank you. You see? The only people who really know what other people are like are artists-and they don't know why they know it! But if they're portrait painters, it comes out on the canvas.

Are you a painter?

CHRIS: Shall I?

Could you stoke up the hot water boiler?

GILES: He liked the pretty fourposter. Twerp!

Giles!

*It really does look nice-oh!

How stupid of Giles.

GILES: How appalling!

Hurry up. Someone may arrive at any minute now.

*Mrs. Barlow! Mrs. Barlow!

Brr! It's cold.

BOYLE: This weather, too. A blizzard, no less. All very unfortunate.

But we couldn't very well foresee the weather!

BOYLE: I see. Quite inexperienced. An old house. I hope you haven't got dry rot.

Certainly not!

BOYLE: Perhaps you will take me up to my bedroom, Mrs. Ralston.

Certainly, Mrs. Boyle. Darling, you were wonderful...

CHRIS: Show me where the kitchen is and what you've got, and I daresay I shall have an inspiration.

Come on.

CHRIS: There, isn't that like an Englishwoman? Compliments always embarrass them. European women take compliments as a matter of course, but Englishwomen have all the feminine spirit crushed out of them by their husbands. There's something very boorish about English husbands.

Come up and see your room.

(hearing voices from the dining room, GILES exits up right)

Do come and warm yourself.

GILES: Mollie? Mollie? Mollie? Where are you?

Doing all the work, you brute.

GILES: Probably the Culver Street murderer.

Don't!

GILES: Oh, there you are-leave it all to me. Shall I stoke the Aga?

Done.

*How stupid of Giles.

Gosh!

GILES: I've got no use for that kind. You didn't handle his suitcase, I did

Had it got bricks in it?

CHRIS: Thanks so much. Weather is simply awful. My taxi gave up at your gate. Wouldn't attempt the drive. No sporting instinct. Are you Mrs. Ralston? How delightful! My name's Wren.

How do you do, Mr. Wren?

"The heavy snow is expected to continue, and throughout the country..."

How do you do?

GILES: It was no weight at all. If you ask me there was nothing inside it. He's probably one of those young men who go about bilking hotel keepers.

I don't believe it. I like him. I think Miss Casewell's rather peculiar, don't you?

GILES: That's what servants with forged references do. Some of these people may be criminals hiding from the police

I don't care what they are so long as they pay us seven guineas every week.

GILES: Why? Where have you been? Surely you've not been out in this weather?

I had to go down to the village for some stuff I'd forgotten. Did you get the chicken netting?

CHRIS: (moves behind refectory table)

I must hurry out to the kitchen and get on with things. Major Metcalf is very nice. He won't be difficult. It's Mrs. Boyle really frightens me. We must have a nice dinner. I was thinking of opening two tins of minced beef and cereal and a tin of peas, and mashing the potatoes. And there's stewed figs and custard. Do you think that will be all right?

GILES: Why on earth did you give him the best room?

I told you, he liked the fourposter.

CHRIS: That's a fake! But this table's genuine. I'm simply going to love this place. Have you got any wax flowers or birds of Paradise?

I'm afraid not.

BOYLE: The drive might at least have been cleared of snow. Most offhand and casual, I must say.

I'm so sorry I...

GILES: Hullo, sweetheart. Your nose is cold.

I've just come in.

GILES (He picks up the newspaper and stands reading it with deep attention.)

Isn't he sweet? He's put on an apron and he's getting all the things together. He says leave it all to him and don't come back for half an hour. If our guests want to do the cooking themselves, it will save a lot of trouble.

*Brr! It's cold.

It really does look nice-oh!

GILES: Terrible female...if she is a female.

It seems very hard that all our guests should be either unpleasant or odd. Anyway, I think Major Metcalf's all right, don't you?

GILES: Pretty good, what?

It's a disaster! Don't you see? You've left out the "S." Monkwell instead of Monkswell

CASE: How d'you do?

It's an awful night. Would you like to come up to your room? The water's hot if you'd like a bath.

PARA: You can let me have a room, yes? GILES: Oh yes...

It's rather a small one, I'm afraid.

CHRIS: I adore nursery rhymes, don't you? Always so tragic and macabre. That's why children like them.

May I introduce, Mr. Wren-Mrs. Boyle.

"The heavy snow is expected to continue, and throughout the country there will be a certain freezing, particularly at points on the north and northeast coast of Scotland."

Mrs. Barlow! Mrs. Barlow!

BOYLE: And what indoor staff?

No indoor staff. Just us.

GILES: Got cold feet, have you? Are you sorry now we didn't sell the place when your aunt left it to you, instead of having this mad idea of running it as a guest house?

No, I'm not. I love it. And talking of a guest house. Just look at that!

GILES: So long as you don't ask me to cook.

No, no, that's my department. Anyway, we've got lots of tins in case we are snowed up. Oh, Giles, do you think it's going to be all right?

GILES: Is everything ready? Nobody's arrived yet, I suppose?

No, thank goodness. I think everything's in order. Mrs. Barlow's hooked it early. Afraid of the weather, I suppose.

GILES: Across that icy yard! Ugh! Shall I bank it up for the night now?

No, you don't do that until ten or eleven o'clock at night

GILES: I'll take these up. Which rooms did you say? Blue Room and the Rose Room?

No. I put Mr. Wren in the Rose Room. He liked the fourposter so much. So it's Mrs. Boyle in the Oak Room and Major Metcalf in the Blue Room.

CHRIS: No, I don't agree. They're all interesting, because you never really know what anyone is like-or what they are really thinking. For instance, you don't know what I'm thinking about now, do you?

Not in the least. Cigarette?

GILES: It wasn't the right kind. I went on to another dump but that wasn't any good either. Practically a whole day wasted. My God, I'm half frozen. Car was skidding like anything. The snow's coming down thick. What do you bet we're not snowed up tomorrow?

Oh dear, I do hope not. If only the pipes don't freeze.

GILES: I wonder what all these people will be like. Oughtn't we have got rent in advance?

Oh no, I don't think so.

BOYLE: I would have said that a proper staff of servants was essential before opening this kind of establishment. I consider your advertisement was most misleading. May I ask if I am the only guest-with Major Metcalf, that is?

Oh no, there are several here.

CHRIS: Do let me help. I adore cooking. Why not an omelette? You've got eggs, haven't you?

Oh yes, we've got plenty of eggs. We keep lots of fowls. They don't lay as well as they should but we've put down a lot of eggs.

PARA: My name, by the way, is Paravicini.

Oh yes. Ours is Ralston.

GILES: We'll have to keep the central heating well stoked up. H'm, not too good-I wish they'd send the coke along. We've not got any too much.

Oh! I do so want everything to go well at first. First impressions are so important.

GILES: Probably drinks!

Oh, do you think so?

CHRIS: And really very beautiful.

Oh, don't be absurd.

BOYLE: A lot of people don't know they have got dry rot until it's too late to do anything about it.

The house is in perfect condition.

BOYLE: To be running an establishment of this kind. You can't have had much experience.

There has to be a beginning for everything, hasn't there?

GILES: I can't help thinking we ought to have taken a correspondence course in hotel keeping. We're sure to get had in some way. Their luggage might be just bricks wrapped up in newspaper and where should we be then?

They all wrote from very good addresses.

GILES: We're rather mugs at this game.

They bring luggage. If they don't pay, we hang onto their luggage. It's quite simple.

BOYLE: Do you have much servant difficulty here?

We have quite a good local woman who comes in from the village.

CHRIS: Absolutely perfect. Real bedrock respectability. But why do away with a centre mahogany table? Little tables just spoil the effect.

We thought guests would prefer them. This is my husband.

BOYLE: Indeed. I understood this was a guest house in full running order.

We're only just starting.

CHRIS: I don't believe your husband is going to like me. How long have you been married? Are you very much in love?

We've been married just a year. Perhaps you'd like to go up and see your room.

PARA: Naturally, naturally. You have other guests.

We've only just opened this place as a guest house today, and so we're...rather new at it.

CHRIS: Ticked off! But I do so like knowing all about people. I mean, I think people are so madly interesting, don't you?

Well, I suppose some are and some are not.

GILES: No, I don't. I was just feeling rather depressed. Well, at any rate we know the worst now. They've all arrived. (door bell)

Who can that be?

CHRIS: What a pity! Well, what about a sideboard? A purple plummy mahogany sideboard with great solid carved fruits on it?

Yes, we have. In the dining room.

GILES: I'll take your suitcase upstairs for you. Oak Room, did you say?

Yes.

BOYLE: Mrs. Ralston?

Yes. I...

GILES: You've got all the rooms worked out?

Yes. Mrs. Boyle, Front Fourposter Room. Major Metcalf, Blue Room. Miss Casewell, East Room. Mr. Wren, Oak Room

PARA: I have all I need, here, in this little bag. Yes, all that I need.

You'd better get thoroughly warm. I'll see about your room. I'm afraid it's rather a cold room because it faces north, but all the others are occupied.

GILES: Good Lord, so I did. However did I come to do that? But it doesn't really matter, does it? Monkwell is just as good a name.

You're in disgrace. Go and stoke up the central heating.

BOYLE: You're very young.

Young?

GILES: What a nuisance these daily women are. That leaves everything on your shoulders.

And yours! This is a partnership.