Barefoot in the Park Act Two Scene Two

VELASCO: Say what?

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

PAUL: To sleep.

Now? How can you sleep now?

PAUL: You're impossible.

You're unbearable.

VELASCO: It's an old Albanian folk song.

"Shama shama..."?No kidding? What does it mean?

PAUL: Because I don't want to yell. All the way.

Afraid the crazy neighbors will hear us?

PAUL: Do you know... Do you know, in P.J. Clarke's last New Year's Eve, I punched an old woman?... Don't tell me about drunks.

All right, Paul

PAUL: Yes.. Yes...

All right, what do I have to do?

PAUL: I'm proper and dignified? when...? When was I proper and dignified?

All right. the other night. At Delfino's... you were drunk, right?

PAUL: And I will now say something I will soon regret... Okay, Corie, maybe you're right. Maybe we have nothing in common. Maybe we rushed into this marriage a little too fast. Maybe Love isn't enough. Maybe two people should have to take more than a blood test. Maybe they should be checked for common sense, understanding and emotional maturity.

All right... Why don't you get it passed in the Supreme Court? Only those couples bearing a letter from their psychiatrists proving they're well adjusted will be permitted to be married.

PAUL: When else? When else was i proper and dignified?

Always. You're always dressed right, you always look right, you always say the right things. You're very close to being perfect.

PAUL: Corie, there is one thing I learned in court. Be careful when you're tired and angry. You might say something you will soon regret. I-am-now-tired-and-angry.

And a coward.

PAUL: That's ridiculous.

And you're not. That's just the trouble. Like Thursday night. you wouldn't walk barefoot with me in Washington Square Park. Why not?

PAUL: Why?

Because I like the way they sm- never mind, it's stupid. I'll sign over your pajamas and slippers.

MOTHER: I know, but I've got a ten o'clock dentist appointment... at nine o'clock... and it's been a very long evening... What I mean is it's late, but I've had a wonderful time... I don't know what I'm saying.

But, Mother-

PAUL: Okay. I'll be civilized. But charm you're not going to get. Now sit down!... Because there's a lot of legal and technical details to go through.

Can't you do all that? I don't know anything about legal things.

PAUL: You're serious.

Dead serious.

PAUL: Why. Because I won't walk barefoot in the park in the winter? You haven't got a case, Corie. Adultery, yes. Cold feet, no.

Don't over simplify this. I'm angry. Can't you see that?

PAUL: All right, Corie, let's not get-

Don't touch me... Don't you touch me... I don't want you near me. Ever again.

PAUL: Oh, for pete's sakes, cry. Go ahead and cry.

Don't you tell me when to cry. I'll cry when I want to cry. And I'm not going to have my cry until you're out of this apartment.

VELASCO: they'll drink it if we make it.

Don't you two go away...

PAUL: To bed.

Don't you want to talk about it?

PAUL: Very simple answer. It was seventeen degrees.

Exactly. That's very sensible and logical. Except it isn't any fun.

PAUL: Okay... How about incompatible?

Fine. Are you through with me?

VELASCO: Instant coffee?

Forgot the stove doesn't work. Upstairs everyone... for coffee. Don't you want coffee?

PAUL: First of all, what grounds?

Grounds?

PAUL: Oh, but you're entitled to it. Alimony, property? Supposing I just pay your rent. Seventy-five, sixty-three a month, isn't it?

Ha ha-

VELASCO: I think it's starch.

Hey, how about a game of ping pong? We can play doubles.

VELASCO: That's a good sign. It shows the food was seasoned properly.

Hey, tell me how to say it again.

PAUL: Corie, you're hysterical.

I am not hysterical. I know exactly what I'm saying. It's no good between us, Paul. It will never be again.

PAUL: At two-thirty in the morning?

I can't sleep untilthis thing is settled.

PAUL: That was in the middle of a fight. This is in the middle of a divorce.

I can't talk to you when you're hysterical. Good night.

PAUL: What...? A stuffed shirt?

I didn't say that.

PAUL: You know, I think you really mean it.

I do!

MOTHER: What does he mean by that?

I don't know but I'm dying to find out. Will you call me in the morning?

PAUL: What does that mean?

I don't know what it means. I just want a divorce.

PAUL: Not yet. What about the financial settlement?

I don't want a thing.

PAUL: I see... Well... I guess there's nothing left to be said.

I guess not.

PAUL: And you can have the furniture and the wedding gifts. I'd just like to keep my clothes.

I hardly expected bitterness from yo.

PAUL: That's.. that's a rotten thing to say.

I have never seen you without a jacket. i always feel like such a slob compared to you. Before we were married I was sure you slept with a tie.

PAUL: Why?

I just can't,that's all. Not when you feel this way.

PAUL: Will you come here..? I want to know why you want a divorce.

I told you why. Because you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

MOTHER: Oh, make up some clever little lie. Tell corie I'm not really her mother. She'll probably never want to see me again anyway... Good night, dear. Oh, coffee ready?

I was whistling the Armenian National anthem and I blew out the pilot light.

PAUL: Me? Me?

I'm beginning to wonder if you're capable of having a good time.

PAUL: Well, dammit, I'm sorry, but when I plan vacations I'm happy and when I plan divorces I'm snippy. All right, you want to plan this thing, let's plan it. You want a quick divorce or a slow painful one?

I'm going to bed.

PAUL: Holy cow.

I'm sorry, I- I don't want to cry.

PAUL: A divorce? What?

I'm sorry, Paul, I can't discuss it any more. Good night.

PAUL: Do you have any idea how she felt just now? Do you know what kind of a night this was for her?

I's not over yet.

VELASCO: I'll make it. What kind do you have?

Instant Maxwell House.

PAUL: I was watching my coat because I saw someone else watching my coat... Look, if you want, I'll get drunk for you sometime. I'll show you a slob, make your hair stand on end.

It isn't necessary.

PAUL: She's too good of a sport. She went the whole cock-eyed way... Boy, oh boy... dragging a woman like that all the way out to the middle of the harbor for a bowl of sheep dip.

It was Greek bean soup. And at least she tasted it. She didn't jab at it with her knife throwing cute little epigrams like, "Ho, ho, ho... I think there's someone in there."

PAUL: You belong in a nursery school.

It's a lot more fun than the Home for the Fuddy Duddies.

PAUL: Almost two whole weeks.

It's better than finding out in two years.

PAUL: It does? When did that happen?

Just now. It's suddenly very clear that you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

MOTHER: I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me, dear. It is a little late.

Mother, you're not going home. It's the shank of the evening.

VELASCO: Good night, Paul... Good night, Corie...

Mr. Velasco, you're not going too?

VELASCO: Wonderful.

No headaches?

PAUL: Why? Because I like to wear my gloves in the winter?

No. Because there isn't the least bit of adventure in you. Do you know what you are? You're a watcher. there are Watchers in this world and there are Do-ers. And the Watchers sit around watching the Do-ers do. Well, tonight you watched and I did.

PAUL: Now wait a minute, Corie-

No. I can't look at you. I can't even be in the same room with you now.

PAUL: Look, I'm just as upset as you are... But when I get hungry I eat. And when I get tired I sleep. You eat and sleep too. Don't deny it, I've seen you...

Not in the middle of a crisis.

MOTHER: But it's such a long trip... Corie, isn't it a long trip?

Not really. It's only about thirty minutes.

PAUL: Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious. I want a divorce!

PAUL: Corie, would you bring a pail? The closet's dripping.

Ohh, I hate you! I hate you! I really, really hate you!

PAUL: I'm not bitter. That's a statement of fac. You're always wearing my pajamas and slippers.

Only after you go to work.

PAUL: You have the fight. When you're through, turn off the lights.

Ooh, that gets me insane. You can even control your emotions.

VELASCO: It wasn't a fair race. You tickledme.

Ooh... Ooh, I feel good. Except my tongue keeps rolling up. And when i talk it rolls back out like a noisemaker.

PAUL: Or twenty.

Or fifty.

VELASCO: Good night, Paul... Shama shama, Corie.

Shama shama!

PAUL: you didn't see her sitting here two minutes ago. You were upstairs with the Hungarian Duncan Hines... Well, she was miserable. Her face was longer than that trip we took tonight.

She never said a thing to me.

PAUL: What about those six days at the Plaza?

Six days does not a week make.

PAUL: Ah, haa... Now I'm the Do-er and you're the watcher! Right, Corie? Heh? Right? Right? Isn't that right, Corie?

So this is wha you're really like!

PAUL: If you'd like, you can visit them once a month.

That's bitter!

VELASCO: Oh. "Poopla... sirca al mercoori."

That's right. "Sirca... poopla al mercoori."

PAUL: You mean the whole thing? With signing papers and going to court, shaking hand, goodbye, finished, fore-ever divorced?

That's what I mean...

PAUL: That's what you're implying.

That's what you're anticipating. I didn't say you're a stuffed shirt. But you are extremely proper and dignified.

PAUL: When I feel what way?

The way you feel about me.

VELASCO: Uzsus!... Nine or ten.

Then it was ten 'cause I thought I had four... How is my head going to feel in the morning?

PAUL: You mean, every time we have a little fight, you're going to want a divorce?

There isn't going to be any more little fights. This is it, Paul! This is the end. Good night.

PAUL: Right. i was stoned.

There you are. I didn't know it until you told me in the morning. You're a funny kind of drunk. You just sat there looking unhappy and watching your coat.

PAUL: Don't tell me when to be bitter.

Things just didn't work out.

PAUL: Where are you going?

To bed.

PAUL: I don't understand how you can be so unconcerned about this.

Unconcerned... I'm plenty concerned. Do you think I'm going to get one wink of sleep until that phone rings tomorrow? I'm scared to death for my mother. But I'm grateful there's finally the opportunity for something to be scared about... What i'm really concerned about is you!

PAUL: Lucky, aren't we?

We're the luckiest people in the world.

PAUL: Oh, oh... I thought you said I wasn't.

Well you are now.

PAUL: I thought you weren't going to cry.

Well, I am! I'm going to have the biggest cry I ever had in my life. And I'm going to enjoy it. Because I'm going to cry so loud, I'm going to keep you awake all night long. Good night, Paul!... I mean, goodbye!

VELASCO: "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care."

Well, I don't. Oh, boy... How many Zuzus did I have? Three or four?

PAUL: You know, maybe I am too proper and dignified for you. Maybe you would have been happier with someone a little more colorful and flamboyant... like the Geek!

Well, he'd be a lot more laughs than a stuffed shirt.

MOTHER: Yes... about six o'clock!

Well, how about that, Mr. "This is going to be a fiasco otnight"?... He's taking her all the way out to New Jersey... at two o'clock in the morning... That's wha tI call "The Complete Gentlemen." He hasn't even given a thought about he's going to get home... Maybe he'll sleep over... Hey, Paul, do you think...? No,anything can happen with the Sheik of Budapest... boy, what a night... Hey! I got a plan. Let's take the bottle of scotch downstairs, ring all the bells and yell "Police"... Just to see who comes out of whose apartment... Paul?... What's the matter, darling...? Don't you feel well?

VELASCO: No, no. that's "Fly, i have a waiter in my soup."

Well, i did. He put his hand to take out the fly. Boy, i like that singer... "Shama... shama... ela mai kermama"... Hey, what am I singing, anyway?

PAUL: What do you mean, out of this apartment?

Well, you certainly don't think we're going to live here together, do you? After tonight?

PAUL: That's right. That's right. At least I was honest about it. You ate two bowls because you were showing off for Al Capone at the next table.

What are you so angry about, Paul?

VELASCO: Not now. We're supposed to to do something important. What was it?

What was it? Oh!... We're supposed to make coffee.

PAUL: What a rotten thing to do... To your own mother.

What?

PAUL: I'm not going to listen to this... I'm not oging to listen... I've got a case in court in the morning.

Where are you going?

PAUL: Right... Well, er... Good night, Corie.

Where are you going?

Lights Up

Whoo... I beat you... I won.

PAUL: Corie, do you mean to say-? Will you come down here!

Why?

PAUL: I just told you. i felt terrible for your mother.

Why? Where is she at this very minute? Alone with probably the most attractive man she's ever met. Don't tell me that doesn't beat the hell out of hair curlers and the Late Late Show.

VELASCO: No headache... But you won't be able to make a fist for three days.

Yeah. Look at that. Stiff as a board. What do they put in Uzu anyway?

PAUL: Oh, I can just hear it now. What sparkling conversation. He's probably telling her about a chicken cacciatore he once cooked for the High Lama of Tibet and she's sitting there shoving pink pills in her mouth.

You can never tell what people talk about when they're alone.

PAUL: You stay here or you get no divorce from me.

You can try acting civilized.

PAUL: No,no. Just for very formal sleeps.

You can't even walk into a candy store and ask the lady for a Tootsie Roll. You've got to walk up to the counter and point at it and say, "I'll have that thing in the brown and white wrapper."

PAUL: I'm going to close my eyes and count Knichis. Good night!

You can't go to sleep now. We're having a fight.

PAUL: They sure as hell didn't.

You can't say we didn't try.

PAUL: You can't. Not now.

You did before.

PAUL: what crisis? We're just yelling a little.

You don't consider this a crisis? Our whole marriage hangs in the balance.

PAUL: Well, it may take three months. Why don't you at least take a nap?

You don't have to get snippy.

PAUL: You're damned right it is.

You have no right to be bitter.

PAUL: Corie, it's two-fifteen. If I can fall asleep in about half-an-hour, I can get about five hours' sleep. I'll call you from court tomorrow and we can fight over the phone.

You will not go to sleep. You will stay here and fight to save our marriage.

PAUL: If our marriage hinges on breathing fish balls and poofla-poo pie, it's not worth saving... I am now going to crawl into our tiny, little, single bed. If you care to join me, we will be sleeping from left to right tonight.

You won't discuss it... You're afraid to discuss it... I married a coward...!

PAUL: Yeah... Well, it was harder to watch what you did than it was for you to do what I was watching.

You won't even let your hair down for a minute. You couldn't even relax for one night. Boy, Paul, sometimes you act like a... a....

PAUL: That's right. Grounds. What is your reason for divorcing me. And remember, my failure to appreciate knichis will only hold up in a Russian court.

You're a scream, Paul. Why weren't you funny when we were happy?

MOTHER: What is what?

Your name, Mother. It's Ethel.