Barefoot in the Park Lines

Do you know...Do you know in P.J. Clarke's last New Year's Eve, I punched an old woman? ...Don't tell me about drunks.

All right, Paul.

I'm proper and dignified? When...? When was I proper and dignified?

All right. The other night. At Delfino's...You were drunk, right?

Why. Because I won't walk barefoot in the park in winter? You haven't got a case, Corie. Adultery, yes. Cold feet, no.

Don't oversimplify this. I'm angry. Can't you see that?

Oh, for Pete's sakes, cry. Go ahead and cry.

Don't you tell me when to cry. I'll cry when I want to cry. And I'm not going to have my cry until you're out of this apartment.

All right, Corie, let's not get—

Don't you touch me...Don't you touch me. I don't want you near me. Ever again.

Very simple answer. It was seventeen degrees.

Exactly. That's very sensible and logical. Except it isn't any fun.

Corie, you're hysterical.

I am not hysterical. I know exactly what I'm saying. It's no good between us, Paul. It never will be again.

That was in the middle of a fight. This is in the middle of a divorce.

I can't talk to you when you're hysterical. Good night.

What...? A stuffed shirt?

I didn't say that.

You know, I think you really mean it.

I do!

What does that mean?

I don't know what it means. I just want a divorce.

That's...that's a rotten thing to say.

I have never seen you without a jacket. I always feel like such slob compared to you. Before we were married I was sure you slept with a tie.

Why?

I just can't, that's all. Not when you feel this way.

Holy cow.

I'm sorry, I- I don't want to cry.

You belong in a nursery school.

It's a lot more fun than the Home for the Fuddy Duddies.

It does? When did that happen?

Just now. It's suddenly very clear that you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

What about those six days at the Plaza?

Six days does not a week make.

That's what you're implying.

That's what you're anticipating. I didn't say you're a stuffed shirt. But you are extremely proper and dignified.

When I feel what way?

The way you feel about me.

You mean, every time we have a little fight, you're going to want a divorce?

There isn't going to be any more little fights. This is it, Paul! This is the end. Good night.

Right. I was stoned.

There you are. I didn't know it until you told me in the morning. You're a funny kind of drunk. You just sat there looking unhappy and watching your coat.

Where are you going?

To bed.

I don't understand how you can be so unconcerned about this.

Unconcerned...I'm plenty concerned. Do you think I'm going to get one wink of sleep until that phone rings tomorrow? I'm scared to death for my mother. But I'm grateful there's finally the opportunity for something to be scared about...What I'm really concerned about is you!

You know, maybe I am too proper and dignified for you. Maybe you would have been happier with someone a little more colorful and flamboyant... like the Geek!

Well, he'd be a lot more laughs than a stuffed shirt.

Oh, oh... I thought you said I wasn't.

Well, you are now.

Corie, it's two fifteen. If I can fall asleep in about half an hour, I can get about five hours' sleep. I'll call you from court tomorrow and we can fight over the phone.

You will not go to sleep. You will stay here and fight to save our marriage.

If our marriage hinges on breathing fish balls and poofla-poo pie, it's not worth saving...I am going to crawl into our tiny, little, single bed. If you care to join me, we will be sleeping from left to right tonight.

You won't discuss it...You're afraid to discuss it...I married a coward...!

You're impossible.

You're unbearable.

And I will now say something I will soon regret...Okay, Corie, maybe you're right. Maybe we have nothing in common. Maybe we rushed into this marriage a little too fast. Maybe Love isn't enough. Maybe two people should have to take more than a blood test. Maybe they should be checked for common sense, understanding and emotional maturity.

All right...Why don't you get it passed in the Supreme Court? Only those couples bearing a letter from their psychiatrists proving they're well adjusted will be permitted to be married.

When else? When else was I proper and dignified?

Always. You're always dressed right, you always look right, you always say the right things. You're very close to being perfect.

Corie, there is one thing I learned in court. Be careful when you're tired and angry. You might say something you will soon regret. I-am-now-tired-and-angry.

And a coward.

That's ridiculous.

And you're not. That's just the trouble. Like Thursday night. You wouldn't walk barefoot with me in Washington Square Park. Why not?

Me? Me?

I'm beginning to wonder if you're capable of having a good time.

A divorce? What?

I'm sorry, Paul, I can't discuss it any more. Good night.

Will you come here? I want to know why you want a divorce.

I told you why. Because you and I have absolutely nothing in common.

Now wait a minute, Corie—

No. I can't look at you. I can't even be in the same room with you now.

Look, I'm just as upset as you are...But when I get hungry I eat. And when I get tired I sleep. You eat and sleep too. Don't deny it, I've seen you...

Not in the middle of a crisis.

I was watching my coat because I saw someone else watching my coat...Look if you want, I'll get drunk for you sometime. I'll show you a slob, make your hair stand on end.

It isn't necessary.

Yeah...Well, it was harder to watch what you did than it was for you to do what I was watching.

You won't let your hair down for a minute. You couldn't even relax for one night. Boy, Paul, sometimes you act like a...a...

Why? Because I like to wear my gloves in the winter?

No. Because there isn't the least bit of adventure in you. Do you know what you are? You're a watcher. There are Watchers in this world and there are Do-ers. And the Watchers sit around watching the Do-ers do. Well, tonight you watched and I did.

To sleep.

Now? How can you sleep now?

Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious. I want a divorce!

Corie, would you bring in a pail? The closet's dripping.

Ohh, I hate you! I hate you! I really, really hate you!

You have the fight. When you're through, turn off the lights.

Ooh, that gets me insane. You can even control your emotions.

What do you mean, out of this apartment?

Well, you certainly don't think we're going to live here together, do you? After tonight?

I'm not going to listen to this...I'm not going to listen...I've got a case in court in the morning.

Where are you going?

No, no. Just for very formal sleeps.

You can't even walk into a candy store and ask the lady for a Tootsie Roll. You've got to walk up to the counter and point at it and say, "I'll have that thing in the brown and white wrapper."

I'm going to close my eyes and count knichis. Good night!

You can't go to sleep now. We're having a fight.

You can't. Not now.

You did before.

What crisis? We're just yelling a little.

You don't consider this a crisis? Our whole marriage hangs in the balance.