Building Rapport

Using Their Name

Using a person's name in a conversation is a key trick that most sales people know well. Acknowledging identity Using the person's name acknowledges their identity, massaging their Ego and hence boosting their self-esteem. Just by recognizing that they exist, you have done them a great favor (which of course means they now owe you...). Use this in particular when you want them to feel good about themselves. You can also link it with a particular item with which you want them to associate themselves, such as the idea of which you are trying to persuade them. Can you imagine yourself, Jane, wearing this out tonight? Simon -- you can be saved. Remember that the person's name is a part of who they are. Using their name is like handling the person, so be careful with it. Grabbing attention Have you ever been somewhere when a person used your name, perhaps in conversation with someone else across the other side of the room? A common reaction is to suddenly pay attention. Are they talking about you? Are they trying to get your attention? When the other person is talking and you want to say something but are having difficulty in breaking into the conversation, saying their name can be an effective way of 'grabbing the talking stick'. Susan, that's a good point and I'd like to add something important... When you are talking to a person and they seem distracted or have otherwise disappeared off into their own head somewhere, dropping their name into a sentence will effectively bring them back to a state of attention. ...and when we get to the city, Joe, I think you should be ready to start... An interesting additional phenomenon is that you will sometimes also be able to remember a few things that were said just before your name was mentioned. This is useful to remember when you say a person's name. Formal and informal Many people have formal and informal forms of their name. Thus 'Michael' may well be called 'Mike' or 'Mick'. The use of the different forms of the name will have a very internal effect on them, depending on the associations they have. Formal usage Very typically, parents and (even more often) teachers use the formal format of a name. People thus will have an association of obedience with the formal style. The implication of this, of course, is that if you want to be obeyed, try using the formal style. Formality may also dictate use of surnames and honorifics. Thus 'Mr. Jones' or 'Your worship' may be appropriate in various circumstances. Know which is which and be careful before becoming informal. If in doubt, the formal style is also more respectful. This may well allow you to use it without worrying about reaction. It may well be worth being careful, however, as the person may have a rebellious response against parents, and the use of the formal style may cause an adverse reaction (so watch the response you get carefully). Informal usage The informal style is typically more casual and friendly. Be careful with this, as usage may be seen as too presumptuous. One approach is to ask the person what they prefer to be called, thus gaining permission to use a familiar form (they are unlikely to ask for a formal style unless they really do not like the informal style). If you can be seen as friendly, then they may frame you as a friend, which then gives you leeway to ask for favors without having done something for them first. Beware of overdoing it Be careful when using their name. If you use it too much, then you may well appear to be attempting to manipulate them, which is likely to have the reverse effect to that desired. Now, Steve, I want you to think about how you, Steve, could benefit from this. Steve, do you think it would work? If anyone could succeed, Steve, it will be you. Watch them carefully when you use their name: Does it relax them? Do they smile? Or do they look a little irritated or tense. If it is the latter, lay off the name-calling at least for a while. See also Finding Their Name, Remembering Their Name Using Body Language, Questioning techniques

Matching

Description 'Matching' is a kind of 'sloppy mirroring', still reflecting back non-verbal information, but doing so in less obvious ways. When they display some form of body language or other non-verbal communication, synchronize your non-verbals with theirs, but without direct copying. You can do more matching than mirroring, but again be careful about over-doing it. It should feel natural and empathetic. If it feels odd, then you might want to wonder why. Example If they cross their legs, you could cross your arms. If they scratch, you could rub your arm a bit later. If they cough, you could make another sympathetic noise. If they frown, you can look pensive. If they talk fast, you could move fast. Discussion Matching and all other forms of reflecting work to create rapport only when they register it subconsciously but not consciously. In this way, it triggers subconscious processes of liking without them realizing why. It is less obvious than mirroring, which allows you to do more of it. However, as with all such methods, there is a limit, and more matching does not necessarily lead to more rapport. Sparenberg and colleagues (2012) found that matching the other person's body part is the most important part rather than matching of movements when getting others to like you. Matching, in some ways, is the non-verbal form of paraphrasing. See also Mirroring, Paraphrasing

Mirroring

Description 'Mirroring' is copying exactly what the other person does, echoing their body language and other non-verbal communication, including sounds, voice tone and so on. Mirroring has a 'sidedness' to it: if they do things with their right hand, then you also can do things with your right hand. Alternatively, you can do it with your left hand. Sometimes this is a natural action -- if you are both right-handed, then you will both pick up something in your right hand. Mirroring can be done at exactly the same time (which needs quick reactions!) or may be delayed. Often, it is best done with a slight delay to avoid appearing to be copying them. The best way to use mirroring is to copy the less overt movements and sounds, and at selected moments when you want to achieve maximum agreement. Example If they cross their legs, you do the same. If they scratch, you also scratch. If they cough, you cough too. If they frown, you frown. If they talk fast, you talk fast. Discussion The basic principle of mirroring is that when the other person sees you, they also see themselves, which is an attractive image. Mirroring works only if done subtly and not excessively. If you over-do this, it just looks like you are aping them, which can be taken as an insult and have the reverse effect to any intended bonding. Mimicry creates what is called 'sensorimotor fluency', which basically means it is easier for the brain to process something that it has just initiated in its own body. This leads to comforting feelings and consequently increase liking of the other person. Mirroring is, in some ways, the non-verbal equivalent of parroting. See also Matching, Parroting

Co-location

Description Arrange to be near the other person on a regular basis. Do not hurry to ingratiate yourself. Start just by saying hello in passing and gradually build the relationship from there. Example A software engineer who wants to build a relationship with the marketing department arranges to move nearby during development work. A person moves into a house and decides they like the people nearby. They say hello in passing and gradually join in local activities. A woman who fancies a man manages to commute to work on the same train. Discussion Familiarity breeds friendship far less than contempt. In a number of studies of friendship, it was found that people who lived near one another were likely to become friends. Friendship is hence mostly a product of opportunity. When you regularly see most people, you learn that they are not a threat and that getting to know them is easy. And when you get to know people, you often find that they are quite nice, as most people actually are. Friendship does require effort, nevertheless, and many people do not get to know the people next door, particularly in more reserved cultures (like England). When given an opportunity, you have to take it. See also Bonding principle, Experience principle

Seek Advice

Description Ask other people their advice about things. Pay attention to what they say and show that you are taking their response seriously. It is usually better to seek advice than opinion. These seem similar but advice is generally preferable, unless you do not know the person and asking advice seems like being too familiar. Example Think about the difference and how each of these would feel: We're designing a new product and are seeking you advice. rather than.... We've designed a new product and would like your opinion. Or perhaps: Could I ask your advice about something? I'm thinking of booking a holiday in Hawaii. What do you think? rather than.... Could I ask you opinion about something? I'm going to book a holiday in Hawaii. What do you think? Discussion Asking advice puts people on a pedestal, framing them as experts. It values them and shows that you trust their judgement. Most people like this and are very happy to respond. A subtle difference between asking for opinion and asking for advice is in the locus of control. When you ask for an opinion, the control is still clearly with you. If the other person suggests something, then just by the request for an 'opinion' you have a clear ability to refuse. If, however, you ask their advice, you may still refuse, but it gives them a greater sense of control as you are clearly giving them more authority. There is also an implied temporal effect. In asking their opinion it appears that you have already made a decision and are probably seeking confirmation, while asking advice suggests that you have not yet made the decision. Liu and Gal (2011) found that asking advice of customers tended to have an intimacy effect such that the customer feels closer to the company and are more likely to buy or otherwise engage with the firm. Contrasting this, soliciting expectations tended to have the opposite effect, distancing the person from the organization. An effect in market research is that when you ask for expectations, the customer is more clearly focused on their own needs rather than being more expansive in giving generalized opinion. Asking opinion can be better than asking advice, for example when approaching people in the street, where asking advice may be seen to be rather too familiar. In such situations, some pre-amble and discussion may help you get to the point where advice-asking is acceptable. See also Control

Open Honesty

Description Be open about yourself, your feelings and what you have done. When asked, tell the truth, even it is embarrassing. Do not make excuses for your weaknesses, just speak your truth. Be careful about exposing yourself too much, too early in the relationship. Reveal yourself a step at a time and roughly at the same rate as the other person. Use personal truths to gently encourage the other person to also expose themselves, or just to stimulate normal conversation. Openess can also include disagreement. When others express views with which you disagree, you can quietly state your disagreement with the view (whilst carefully not rejecting the person). Example I know that it is politically incorrect to enjoy hunting these days but I don't really see anything wrong with it. What do you think? To tell you the truth, I don't go like crowds because I'm claustrophobic. Being pressed in makes me freak out. Actually I'm hopeless at spelling. I never did well in school because of it. I can't say I agree with you there. I know she can be loud but I think she's actually quite soft underneath. Discussion When you expose a vulnerability to another person, you are offering them a way to criticize or attack you. In this way you are showing that you trust them not to attack. By being trusting, you encourage them to be trustworthy and trusting in return. It is important to be careful when exposing vulnerabilities as you can embarrass others and make them feel they should be open in return when they are not ready to do so. This is why you should start small and only tell more when they do likewise. Openness indicates confidence that you will not be attacked and can be a tacit indicator of power. In effect you are saying 'I am so powerful I can admit weaknesses or express views because I can repel all criticism or attack.' Open disagreement is also helpful in creating rapport as it also encourages trust by saying 'I know you understand we well enough not to take this in the wrong way.' Of course this needs a lot of care in accepting the person whilst rejecting their argument. See also Trust

Be Reliable

Description Be reliable. Do what you say you are going to do. Turn up on time. Always repay debts. If you make a promise then always do your very best to keep it. If you cannot, apologize work to make amends so they know it was not through lack of care. Also be predictable and 'normal'. Do not do things that others do not expect. Make a particular effort to show that you are reliable. Make a promise in order to keep it. Tell them about how you have been reliable in the past. If you do not keep a promise or are unreliable in some way, apologize profusely and give a strong excuse as to why this happened. Example I meet someone and say I have to do something I promised to someone else and it will take five minutes. In exactly five minutes I return. Discussion We have a deep need to predict how others will behave in order to feel safe and so achieve a sense of control. When others behave in unpredictable ways, including being unreliable, then it causes confusion and we feel unable to trust them. Note that being reliable is not something you do some times. It has to be all the time. It only takes one failure for them to consider you as unreliable. Apology can recover the situation, but this is a 'silver bullet' which you can only use very few times. People who try to be nice to others by saying yes a lot and promising whatever is asked can easily be thought of as unreliable when they do not complete things as expected. It is often better to 'do less, better'. When you do not have time to let people find you are reliable then you can accelerate the trust and rapport by giving them examples and stories by which they can conclude you are reliable without having to wait to gather lots of evidence. See also Trust

Empathetic Language

Description Empathetic language demonstrates empathy to the other person, that you are concerned about them and 'feel what they feel'. A simple construct is 'So you...'. When they say something about themselves, typically that they have been busy, stressed, and so on, you reply 'So you...' and add a likely problem that this causes (and which they are likely thinking about). You can also reflect what they are saying and add the tag question 'Isn't it?', to which they will of course agree. To be accepted as such, empathetic language should of course be spoken in kindly ways, along with appropriate body language. Example Them: I couldn't sleep last night. You: It was hot, wasn't it. Them: I've just been so busy. You: So you've not had much free time. Them: I'm so annoyed with her. You: It's frustrating when others don't join in, isn't it? Discussion The principle of empathetic language is to demonstrate empathy. You may perhaps have already experienced a sense of empathy, but not all of us are endowed well with this ability and have to resort to more cognitive, conscious methods. Demonstrating empathy shows that you both care for the other person and are like them. This leads to a reciprocal liking of you and hence increases their trust and consequent bond with you. Empathy also helps you understand them better and consequently enables you to make decisions and create interactions which will further appeal to them and make them more likely to agree with you. See also Create Empathy, Bonding principle, Trust principle

Holding Gaze

Description Encourage them to talk, then pay close attention, gazing directly at them. Look at their face and into their eyes as if you cannot drag your eyes away. Match their emotions in this. If they are describing achievement, look pleased. If they are describing a hurt, look sympathetic. Be careful with this. Do not stare -- use a soft and flattering gaze that says 'you are wonderful'. If they start to look at all uncomfortable, pull your eyes reluctantly away with an apologetic brief smile. Glance back frequently as if you are dying to gaze at them again. If they seem happy with this, you can also turn body-on towards them. If they are less comfortable, look at their face more and eyes less, with occasional glancing away. Example A politician, meeting a set of people greets each in turn, gazing softly and smiling directly at them. The politician asks a question and then listens attentively, holding their gaze. Discussion Gazing directly at another person signals deep personal interest and is common in romantic situations. When done outside this scenario, it triggers the same response as you effectively 'romance' them. Although it may seem to be best cross-gender (heterosexually), it is also surprisingly effective in same-sex situations. Staring directly at another person can also be an act of aggression, saying 'I am more powerful than you' and trying to make them look away first, which means you must be very careful if you are trying to create rapport! Particularly where the gaze is same-sex, it can be interpreted as within-gender rivalry. Two secrets for this: first, it is a lot to do with how you are thinking, and secondly you need to watch very carefully for signs of discomfort and respond immediately, as above. An important note: Your eyes and the muscles around them signal much your emotions (they are the 'windows of the soul). So when you are looking interested or sympathetic, you must actually be interested or sympathetic. See also Face body language, Smiling

Create Empathy

Description In order to build rapport and connect with others, seek to stimulate their empathy so they will naturally connect with you. The basic way to gain empathetic connection with another is to display emotions that stimulate their emotions. This can include: Displaying sadness to evoke pity and charity. Showing happiness to raise their emotions. Apologizing and explaining why you did something wrong so they understand and forgive. Helping others so they feel they should help too. You can also create reciprocal empathy by first listening to their problems and then telling them about your problems. Because you have empathized with them, they are now obliged to empathize with you. Be sensitive with this not to hi-jack their need for support. Show plenty of concern for them before talking about your own situation. Example I'm sorry, I'm a bit flat today. I wonder if you could help me out. That's hilarious! Hahaha!! Come on, let's have some more fun. That is so upsetting. You must feel awful. I had something like that happen to me recently... Discussion Empathy is believed to be caused by mirror neurons, where brain cells in the same part of other person's brain as yours are fired in sympathy. This even happens when you move, which is why effects like mirroring occur naturally. So when you display distress, the empathetic other person also feels your emotions and so understands and bonds with you. Gaining empathetic connection by being upset can become a compulsive trap when people regularly use histrionics as a way of gaining attention and help from others. This can work for a little while, but the drain on the emotions of those who help is often so great that they start to dislike the histrionic person and avoid them wherever possible. See also Empathetic Language, Empathy, Emotions, Appeal to Pity

Reflecting Verbal Style

Description Listen carefully to the overall style of speaking that the other person uses. Listen to the types and combination of words, the use of jargon and other stylistic elements. Shape what you say to fit in with this style. Style includes not only words but factors such as length and complexity of sentences, use of pauses, inflection and so on. If you cannot copy the style, beware of making yourself look foolish. If necessary, use less complex means of reflecting. Example Other: I would consider that a movement in the direction of governmental disintermediation could be fairly advantageous in the shorter term. You: I do wonder if disintermediation is would be rather excessive at the current time, although perhaps medium-term preparations could be issued. Other: The bit rate in the data stream must be at least ten gig. You: But will the data stream degrade within the optical media? Discussion People talk in whole styles of language, often based on cultural factors. Thus a university professor will not use the same words as a street gang member. Most professions have jargon, so also do ethnic groups, religious groups, social groups and so on. You do not need to know a great deal to significantly increase your credibility. See also Reflecting words, Paraphrasing

Reflecting Words

Description Listen to the words and phrases that the other person uses to determine the most significant ones. Then use these words within your responses. Most of use have preferred words that we use more than others (mine include 'significant', 'particular', 'such as' and 'effective'). These are particularly effective words to repeat. There are types of word often fall into the 'preferred' category, typically those where there is a large choice, such as superlatives (great, fantastic, wonderful, etc.). A way of watching for these words as well as their frequency is in the emphasis that the person may place on them. Also reflect noises, such as mmm, um, er, etc. Be careful with this not to over-do it. If they detect that you are copying them, you will have reverse effect to that desired. Example Other: I think we could go out more often. I also think we could do very different things each week. You: Mmm. I think a weekend away would be good. What do you think? Other: Steven has a rather interesting idea. You: That's interesting. I'd rather like to hear what Jean has to say about it. Discussion If you can spot the words that others use and use them in what you say, then they will naturally find what you say more attractive. When we use the words of others, then they hear themselves in us. And nothing is more interesting than me! See also Parroting, Reflecting verbal style

Paraphrasing

Description Repeat back what the other person has said, but in your own words. Capture within this the essence of what was said, showing your understanding in the words that you use. Use paraphrasing to test your own understanding of what was said. Rephrase and then say 'Is that right?' You can also use paraphrasing as a precursor to probing for more information. Use paraphrasing to show that you understand what was said, and thus develop a relationship. You can use it also in relationship development simply to show that you are interested in the other person and what they have to say. Example Other: I need to ask Michael to see what he thinks. You: So before you can accept our offer, you want to check with Michael. Is that right? Other: We are going to leave town tonight and will be back in a week's time after we have visited our relatives. You: So you'll be gone for a week, starting tonight. Will you be back on the Thursday or the Friday? Discussion When a person paraphrases what you have said back to you, it demonstrates that they have listened to you and also taken the time to think about what you have said and also to rephrase and test this. This requires significant effort and is generally flattering that another person has taken this interest in you and your thoughts. It is not surprising that Paraphrasing involves reflecting meaning, but not content. See also Parroting

Active Care

Description Show that you care about other people. Not just by being nice and friendly (although this does count), but by going out of your way to help them. When they are upset by something, take time to listen to them. Ask them how they are without having to be prompted. See if you can take some of their daily load off them. Do things for them without being asked. Make them a cup of tea. Tidy up. Cook for them. Do the washing up. And do not look for thanks or feel bad if you do not get it. Just be happy to help. Stand up for those who are less able to defend themselves. Defend them when they are being attacked, even when they are not there. Put yourself in harm's way to protect the other person from harm. Example A manager visits the home of an employee who is sick, taking a basket of flowers. A person puts themselves between a mugger and a person they know. A woman is upset and goes to the bathroom. Another woman notices and follows to find out what's wrong and offer support. Discussion Care is a critical component of trust -- I am less likely to trust a person who seems not to care about me. Active care may be contrasted with passive care, which is more of a 'do no harm' approach where the caring person does not go out of their way to help the other person. We offer passive care to most other people, but active care only to those we particularly like and care for. Active care thus signals 'you are special'. See also Trust

Parroting

Description Simply repeat what the other person has said. Only repeat short phrases. Do not parrot long speeches (which would be difficult to do anyway). Correct the sense of the language, of course. If they say 'me', then change it to 'you'. Use parroting to encourage them to talk more. Just repeat what they said, then pause. They will fill in the gap and keep on talking. Encouragement parroting need only be the last few words only and not even a complete sentence. Use parroting to check that you understand what they say. Sometimes, when you repeat what they say out loud is when you first understand what they are really meaning. In this case, you might follow up quickly with an apology and explanation. Be careful not to over-use parroting -- otherwise you will sound like a parrot (and the other person will assume you have a similar intelligence). Example Other: I am not sure what to do. You: So, you're not sure what to do... Other: Yes, though I though I could take time to visit friends and do some reflecting. You: ...visiting friends and doing some reflecting... Other: I want to come with you. You: You want to come with me? Other: Not now, but next time you go. You: Ah -- I understand. I'll see if I can arrange that. Other: I want to come with you. You: You want to come with me? Ah! you mean next week, don't you? Discussion The simplest way of testing understanding is to repeat the words that they have just said. This tests that you have heard correctly. Parroting is particularly useful when they have said something that does not immediately make sense to you -- this lets them hear what they have said and allows them to revise what they have said. Some people are habitual parrots, regularly repeating words to encourage others or maybe vocalizing what they are repeating in their heads. They often do not realize that doing this can be rather annoying. Note that parroting is a reflection first of content, rather than meaning. See also Paraphrasing

Synchrony

Description Synchrony occurs where people feel they are 'in tune' with each other and with their environment. People who have achieved synchrony often unconsciously move together, for example walking in step or mirroring one another in other ways. They may well think together, finishing each other's statements and agreeing on decisions. They may even feel almost joined together, with a deep and continuously shared empathy. True synchrony is reciprocated and symmetrical, with people feeling connected to one another rather than just one person feeling connecting to an indifferent other person. Importantly, people in a state of synchrony feel close and connected, which is generally considered as being a pleasant sensation. Synchrony can vary depth and duration, with some connections being limited in time and space, for example people who connect well at work but who have separate private lives. Any number of people can be in synchrony together, from couples to business groups to football crowds. Example Friends understand and laugh at each others 'in-jokes'. A family has similar sleeping and eating patterns. A football crowd roars together and does Mexican waves. Discussion Synchrony, at its deepest level, is about bonding, where there is a joining of identities such that people feel like others are a part of them and are not totally separate individuals. A result of this bonding is a natural increase in trust. If another person is just an extension of me, then I trust them as I would trust myself. And as trust is important for persuasion, then synchrony lowers the barriers for agreement. Synchrony is not the same as rapport, for example in the way that crowds can achieve synchrony without rapport and sales people can achieve rapport with customers without being in synchrony with them. See also Synchrony and Cooperation, Identity, Harmony principle, Mirroring, Matching, Reflecting

Synergizing

Description Take their idea and add an idea of your own to make something new. See if you can help everyone to get what they want. Rather than thinking zero sum, fixed pie, think positive, bigger pie. Use their idea as a brainstorming trigger and let your mind wander. Take the best of what you are proposing and the best of what they are proposing and create something using both. Invite them to bounce back an even better idea. Example Other: How about getting in some customers to find out their needs? You: How about getting them to review product ideas whilst they are here? Other: How about a joint brainstorming session? You: We could turn it into a major event! Other: I want to go to London. You: I'd like to go to Cardiff. Why don't we make a weekend of it and go to both? Discussion The basic principle of synergizing is that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, that 2+2=5, that two people can come up with more than one person. This is both highly constructive and is also very good at creating something that both of you own. Your identities are thus fused in your joint idea, creating a stronger bond between you. See also Extrapolating http://creatingminds.org

Passive Care

Description When working with and around other people, make sure that you do not harm them in any way through your words or actions. Do not be blindly selfish. When you act, consider how your actions will affect others. Do not harm them emotionally by speaking harshly or unkindly to them, or otherwise acting in ways that will upset them. Do not harm them socially, for example by gossiping about them or spreading stories that may make others think less of them. Do not harm them physically by attacking them or acting in a way that will lead to them becoming physiologically harmed. Example At work, I sustain a level of professional integrity where I do not bad-mouth others, even if I do not like them. Discussion One of the basic requirements for people who live and work around one another is that there is a basic level of trust. I will not trust people who do not seem to care about me and most certainly will not trust those whose actions lead to my sustaining harm or upset of any kind. Passive care may be contrasted with active care, where you go out of you way to help others. In passive, care, you 'do no harm', much as in the Hippocratic oath taken by doctors. Passive care is not the opposite of active care. The opposite of passive care is active harm, where you deliberately seek to harm others. By avoiding active harm, you are implementing passive care. See also Trust, Active care

Attention in Conversation

Great conversationalists and great leaders have a very particular skill in being able to sustain close attention to the other person when they are in conversation with them. This can be remarkably difficult as your mind easily wanders. Yet the amount of appreciation and connection you can build with this simple method makes it worth taking time to learn how to keep your attention fully on the other person. Why our attention drifts People speak at around 100 to 200 words per minute. Our minds work much faster than this. We typically read at beween 200 and 300 words per minute. And our minds work even faster (for example thinking about what will happen next in a story we are reading). In other words, we think a lot faster than people speak. Even between words, our minds are racing all over the place. We are also motivated to think about other things while others are talking. We have many other things in our lives and on our minds and thoughts about these intrude while we should be listening. We also sum people up pretty quickly, deciding how much of our attention they deserve. As a result we often half-listen to people. Even if we are trying to listen, we start thinking about what we will say next and start looking for a space in which we can interrupt. When we start doing this, we listen less. And to be honest, much of what people say is relatively unimportant. They may have a point to make, but they add a lot in justification and irrelevant detail. While we all talk, many are inexpert communicators and are not good at speaking in ways that engage others. Really care about them Start inside yourself. Remember that you are human and fallible, yet amazing and interesting too. And that others, everyone, is also amazing, each in their own way. If you do not know this, and if others seem dull or dangerous, know that this is because you do not yet know enough of their story. Make it your mission to learn about them, rather than pressing your thoughts upon them or generally paying little attention to them. Care about people. Respect the person, even if you may not be keen on what they have or have not done. Make it your mission to find out more about them, to understand how they see the world, what moves them and why. At the very least, suspend any judgement of them for the duration of the conversation. Beware of being quick to judge. This is a very human tendency but which can get in the way of connection and appreciation. Shut out the world With an appreciative beginning, decide you are going to give the next few minutes or so all to the person in front of you. Shut out what is happening around you. Shut out intruding thoughts. If anything starts to creep in, just re-focus and ignore it. Look at the person. Gaze into their eyes while thinking about how you respect and care about them as a person, and that they have a story which you are seeking to understand (at least as much as you can in the time available). Ask intelligent questions Start by asking them a few questions that first make them feel comfortable (simple closed questions may do this). Then ask more open questions that give them scope to open up and talk about things that interest them. And little interests anyone more than themselves, their families and their lives. Watch for questions to keep asking. We miss out much when we speak, yet we still give clues about the things that interest us. It may help also if you do some homework beforehand. Have a useful stock of questions that people seem to like answering (avoid boring cliché questions). Listen to the inner person Pay close attention to their answers, noting both what they say and how they say it. Notice their non-verbal signals. Notice the emotion or lack of it in their voices. Watch their gestures. Note how their body language changes with what they say. Notice also what they do not say. Listen between the words for the person behind. Beware of jumping to conclusions about this, especially if they are negative. Hear their hopes and fears. Listen for clues about all parts of their lives. How important is their job to them? Are they married? Do they have children? What other family and friends? How do they spend their weekends? Listen more than you speak. And when you do speak, use it to show your appreciate of them and connect with them. Many conversations are about status as people compete for superiority. Do not get drawn into such competition and do not initiate it. Show that you are listening by paying attention, thinking about what they say and asking further questions. Be careful with this about probing too deeply based on the depth of the current relationship. Listen for points of commonality and connection. Show that you have similarity, but don't use this as a means of taking over the conversation. So what? Don't blindly take the advice above. Try it out. Build your skills in these areas. And find out how effective it is at getting people to think you are amazing. See also Conversation techniques, Questioning Techniques, Listening

Encouragement signals

Sometimes all you want to do is to encourage people to talk about what ever is on their mind. This is useful in general social situation or when you want to give them time and space to get out something that is bothering them but they currently do not want to talk about. An important way you encourage others is in the signals you send, both via the words you use and also the non-verbal signals. Enthusiasm for the subject Enthusiasm is infectious! If you are excited by the subject in question, the other person will pick up on this. It also signals that you are ready to talk more about the subject. If you get enthusiastic about something that they are clearly interested in, then this shows a clear common ground on which you can both engage in a fascinating and enthralling conversation. The reverse is also true. If you are obviously bored, then the other person may either be infected by your boredom too, or be less likely to expose their own enthusiasm for the subject. Interest in the person Show interest not only in the subject but also in the person. Indicate that you care about them. Non-verbal signals You do not need to say anything to encourage people to keep talking. Here are a few things you can do to keep them talking, as well as using other body language, such as: Silence: Nature abhors a vacuum and so do people. Stay quiet and they will fill the gap. Raised eyebrows: Raise one or both (if you can't do one) eyebrows expectantly. Tilted head: Tilt your head sideways, perhaps in combination with the eyebrow-raise. Nod: Nodding shows agreement and interest. Noises: Make encouraging noises, such as 'uh-huh', 'mm', etc. See also Using Body Language, Questioning techniques, Signals