Ch. 7 Personal Change Vocab

things to help with making a decision:

However, if you think of decision-making as a process, like change, you can break down even the most difficult choices into manageable steps. The following can help whenever you face a decision: -Set priorities. Rather than getting bogged down in details, step back and look at the big picture. What matters most to you? What would you like to accomplish in the next week, month, year? Look at the decisions you're about to make in the context of your values and goals. --Inform yourself. The more you know—about a person, a position, a place, a project—the better you will be able to evaluate it. Gathering information may involve formal research, such as an online search for relevant data, or informal conversations with teachers, counselors, advisers, family members, and friends. --Consider all your options. Most complex decisions don't involve simple either/or alternatives. List as many options as you can, along with the advantages and disadvantages of each. Talk to a friend or family member about your options to feel out what feels seems right for you; they could suggest alternatives that haven't crossed your mind. --Tune in to your gut feelings. After you've gotten the facts and analyzed them, listen to your intuition. While it's not infallible, your sixth sense can provide valuable feedback. If something just doesn't feel right, try to figure out why. Are there any fears you haven't yet confronted? Do you have doubts about taking a certain path? "Going with your gut" is not just a pat expression. Researchers have learned that the gut contains neural tissue that is effectively the same as brain cells. --Consider a worst-case scenario. When you're close to a final decision, imagine what will happen if everything goes wrong—the workload becomes overwhelming, your partner betrays your trust, your expectations turn out to be unrealistic. If you can live with the worst consequences of a decision, you're probably making the right choice.

maintenance

The ongoing stage of change that involves locking in and consolidating gains to make a change permanent. -This stabilizing stage, which follows the flurry of specific steps taken in the action stage, is absolutely necessary to retain what you've worked for and to make change permanent -maintenance is an active, vital phase of the change process that provides the final ingredient needed for permanently reshaping your life. -you strengthen, enhance, and extend the changes you've initiated. You bring the rest of what you do into line with the change to support it. By securing the progress you've made, even if you hit a plateau or slip backward, you can regain your footing and keep moving forward. It may even be helpful to have a slip up with your new change. -ex positive effect of a singular slip up: Instead of preparing that healthy dinner for yourself you'd planned on, you pick up a burger and fries instead cuz you were exhausted. This could be a helpful learning experience. For days you know you are likely to be especially tired at the end of the day, you can prepare food in advance that will last for a few meals. Now you've learned how to tweak your new change to make it work best for you.

loophole language

--Language that expresses unequivocal intention sounds different and makes entirely different demands on the listener. With it, you create an internal environment of clear objectives and directives. For example, if you say about your zoology final, "I'm gonna try to study hard for it," the word "try" sends a message to your brain that cancels out the "study hard for it." But if you say "I am going to focus and study thoroughly for my final," the language requires a different kind of commitment. That's what we're talking about. --People also sabotage themselves by saying "if" or "if only." You probably have used phrases like, "If I could get organized," or "If only I could stick with my exercise plan." Such statements reinforce the notion that you're never going to change. Instead of another "if," say to yourself, "When I get organized," or "When I start working out." This simple switch sets the stage for believing what is actually true—that you already can and will be able to change your lifestyle. --Another way to prevent dodging change is to use the word how rather than why to explain your actions. For example, if you ask yourself why you sometimes drink too much, you might answer, "Things aren't going well in my life," or "I get bored in the evening." If you ask yourself how you drink too much, you might answer, "I start playing drinking games with my friends," or "I don't keep track of how many beers I have." --Give yourself new operating instructions and insist that you always follow them. Tell yourself that whenever you reach for another drink, you will always consider how you are choosing or deciding to drink more rather than answering the why question with another excuse for doing so. When you ask how, be sure to know that you do have a basis for how you choose to drink more. -For one week, forbid yourself to use the word "try" in relation to actions you are going to take. Observe the effect. You will quickly discover how often you use the word—and perhaps why you use it too. You will also feel how different it is to shed this linguistic hideout. You may feel that you are eavesdropping on your own unconscious. Also note how different it is to forbid yourself to use the word than it is to try not to use it.

setting long-term goals

--Review your descriptions of your dreams and visions, and translate them into one overarching dream and a handful of specific, long-term goals. If your dream is to live and work in Paris, one obvious long-term goal would be to become fluent in French. --Write no more than five or six long-term goals in this fashion. --Do not set a time limit for these goals. The reason? If you set a deadline for a long-term goal, you may slow your progress by eliminating opportunities for your unconscious mind to find truly creative and efficient solutions that could come more quickly. You don't want to direct your mind to wait until some stated time if it can come up with results sooner. --To ensure that your unconscious mind pays attention to your goals, repeat each goal five times in the morning and five times in the night until you reach it. This exercise makes your long-term goal function as a command directing you to make efforts toward meeting it.

are you getting in your own way?

-Because you consider whatever you habitually do as normal, you may have accepted self-defeating behavior, not as a choice, but as simply the way you are. In fact, you made many choices in the process of becoming who you "naturally" are. Everything that feels normal and natural now was once a matter of choice and felt awkward and new in the beginning. When you can recognize this element of choice, you have the opportunity to make a new one. -you can continue unhelpful or pointless habits because they feel "normal" and balk at very useful changes because they feel strange at first. -If even simple changes can unsettle you(like wearing watch on other wrist), how will you fulfill your potential or accomplish a life choice or a dream? Small patterns migrate from specific situations and grow into big, generalized patterns until you come to view a simple habit as who you fundamentally are. If you see that you haven't persisted, for instance, you may conclude that you lack persistence and that you can't finish things you start. If you see that you avoid things, you come to think that you are a coward. -if u notice urself putting something off: What is it you fear about reaching your goal? What is holding you back? New demands to live up to? New expectations from others? The unknown challenges of spending time in a foreign country? Disappointment if you aren't accepted? Figure it out because if you delay, you create a new stress—avoiding. Then, by not solving the tendency to avoid, you make the stakes higher still. -As you analyze ways in which you may be tripping yourself up, keep another thing in mind: If you have not reached a change goal as rapidly as you wanted, do not try to save face by quitting. Otherwise after all your hard work, you will pull away from the struggle before you reap the rewards. -Achieving any important, satisfying goal takes time and work. If you sign on only for what is immediately fun and easy, your shrink your life down to a limited range of shallow activities and interests and block yourself from making changes that would set you free. And you never find out what it's like to spend a semester in Rio studying Portuguese.

your big dream

-Big ideas and big dreams energize and motivate us by making the work of change worthwhile. Only when we allow and encourage big-picture thinking in ourselves do we begin to stretch and extend beyond what we consider our limits. By directing all of your potential toward something that gets your juices flowing, a dream or a compelling big-picture vision helps you engage fully and melts away irritations, obstacles, and inconveniences. Sure, the road may be rocky at times, but remember that you are writing your story along the way to your goals. Remind yourself, "I am choosing to follow my dreams and take every chance to problem solve as a learning experience." -Give yourself this advantage: Begin to think in terms of dreams and constructing a life that is the stuff of dreams. This won't just happen without your conscious, active involvement; you have to make it happen through your choices and your actions. Choices create the specific itinerary for converting your big picture from blue-sky fantasy to the bedrock upon which you build. By having a dream, you will know which changes to make and actions to take.

making personal change inevitable

-Children caught up in the magic of daily discoveries change without considering alternative ways of being. They try new things, fail where they will, pick themselves up, and try again. -At some point in life, for whatever reason, we start saying about some ingrained habit, "It's just the way I am." That's not true; it's the way you have been until now. Declaring that you can't change wastes time you could be using to make change inevitable. And change is inevitable—if you do the work. -The first step on the way to successful change is to commit quietly but fully and vow not to stop before reaching your goal. If you don't decide to change, your old habits win out; the moment you decide, you become formidable, Things become clear; life becomes simpler because when you decide, you simplify it; one priority rises to the top. Making an unequivocal choice for change unleashes a nearly unstoppable force, especially if you tune into the pleasure. -A decision to move from where you are requires a concrete plan. This may sound daunting, but you already have a grasp of how to go about it. If you ever plotted ahead of time how to tell your parents about your plan to backpack in Europe or how to get the attention of the cute classmate across the aisle, you have experience in setting out a plan. Making a plan concrete simply requires taking that kind of strategizing and elaborating on it. -No matter how complex a desired change may be, you can break it down into finite steps. Once you develop a step-by-step plan and consistently follow it, you can replace any habit, however tenacious. However, for a while the new habit will have to compete with the old ingrained one. You will have to exert effort until you have locked in the new behavior. -when you begin your first efforts to change, you may cling to the side or rely on artificial supports like water wings far longer than you need to. Both are ways of cheating yourself. At some point you have to give up what makes you feel secure in order to make the next step. You have to let go of the edge. -Change becomes inevitable if you persist even when you fear that you're in over your head and when your efforts seem to have no apparent effect other than hassling and irritating you. Change takes time, but usually only the early results are disconcerting. Change tinkers with deeply entrenched habits and patterns of thinking that exist beyond your consciousness. You will have some temporary hell to pay for this disruption. But if you understand that new routines feel upsetting only until you become accustomed to them, you will persist in the face of challenges that otherwise might discourage you. -Any habit can be changed. Change is no mystery. You do the work, and you make the change. But you have to keep choosing to change until you get there. -"Shaping" is a behavior modification technique that uses rewards and incentives to motivate change and reinforce progress. Whenever you meet one of your goals, reward yourself with a positive reinforcer (e.g. listening to your fav music, sleeping in on weekend, reading for 20 uninterrupted min for pleasure, watching ur fav movie, watching the sunset, going for a long walk)

the language of change

-Even tiny little words like "try" take on new meanings. Are you, for instance, "trying" to get organized? If so, you've just tripped over your own feet. "Try," as in "try to do it if you can" is a sorry, sickly little word that insinuates itself regularly into otherwise reasonable requests and kills their power. In fact, "I'll try" in response to a request is usually a polite form of refusal. If your professor gives you a date and time to discuss your final grade, would you "try" to make it? This use of "try" differs completely from the "try" that means to "test or examine." -The word "try," meaning "to attempt," is a weasel word that contains a built-in implicit directive to stop short of succeeding. When someone says, "just try your best," isn't he or she suggesting that you mount some kind of effort but not expect to be successful? In fact, to comply fully with the directive "just try your best," you have to stop short of bringing something to a full, successful conclusion. The "just" tells you how far to go. "Try your best" is the same as saying, "Don't worry. I don't expect you to make it." -Soft language with its built-in slack gives you and others permission to accept less than your best. When you talk to yourself this way, you listen to, and follow, the implied directives. -Check-In: Think for a Moment. Would you say "try your best" to a heart surgeon before going under the knife? Then why say it to yourself?

managing your behavior

-Human beings don't come with a helpful owner's manual. Yes, responsible adults teach you the basics. But sooner or later you have to wing it—at times not as successfully as you might wish. However, the behaviors you've tried in the past aren't encoded on a hard drive. You always have the option of rewriting your operating instructions so you behave in ways that can reduce day-to-day stress. -Take an everyday situation that many people find stressful: waiting, which can feel like torture for folks who hate wasting time. Perhaps whenever the line to drop in during a professor's office hours is too long or all the dryers in the laundry room are busy, you bolt, losing the time you already devoted to your mission and failing to complete what you have to do. Here's how to turn things around: *Imagine a situation in which you have to wait, see yourself in it, and then, at the point at which your impatience formerly overwhelmed you, find a new behavior to substitute for leaving. Consider as many possibilities as you want before coming up with a new alternative. You might decide to open an app of Spanish verbs you need to memorize or to start a visualization exercise like the one described. *When you choose, develop an internal instruction to tie a new, adaptive behavior to a specific triggering event. A trigger can be either the event that prompted the old behavior or the event you want to associate with the new behavior—for example, standing in a slow-moving line. With time, your operating system will learn to look at previously tedious or stressful situations as opportunities to accomplish something and reduce stress. *Put your new specific operating instruction in the following form: "Whenever I stand in any line, I will always ..." Then insert the behavior you decide will work best for you. If you choose the Spanish verbs, the sentence would end "click on the app of Spanish verbs and begin to memorize them." Note the use of the word always in the instructions. Always use always in your specific operating instructions. *Practice. Nothing increases the speed at which you adopt new behaviors like rehearsal in real life. Each day create as many opportunities as possible to use your new instructions. For the best results, rehearse a new behavior consistently when you are cool and unflustered. This will help you internalize the instructions and become mentally accustomed to the new choice. *Continue your new specific operating instructions whether you encounter success or failure in the actual situation. Your goal is to make the new behavior become your automatic response, and you need many repetitions to overlearn any new behavior enough to make it automatic.

see the steps of change

-If you imagine a hypothetical event, such as winning an award or being selected to represent your school at a national conference, you are more likely to consider it possible and to make it happen. In studies of world-class athletes, those who practiced positive visualization performed better than those who exercised just as much but did not use this psychological technique. --, it's important to visualize not just the final moment of triumph, but the actual steps and activities that lead up to it. -if you visualize yourself completing the various steps of a project just before sitting down to it, you will be much more likely to complete your work in the allotted time. -Edwin Moses, who set four world records in his event, used to visualize an entire race, imagining every single stride he would take, seeing himself crossing each hurdle and then sprinting to the finish line. Sports psychologists contend that his visualization of the entire race was more effective than just imagining the moment when the gold medal slipped over his head. Visualizing the steps of any process creates a readiness to complete the process just as you've imagined it. It also reduces anxiety around taking those steps towards change. -Practice your positive visualization at least twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Even better, stop just before you begin any task to visualize briefly how you want to conduct yourself during the activity. -it's time to devote a block of time to studying for that difficult class. Before you begin, visualize yourself taking notes or underlining passages. See yourself reading your textbook and doing online practice quizzes with interest, enthusiasm, and comprehension. Inject a mild note of urgency; add a great deal of attention. -The more detailed your vision of your positive behaviors, the more benefits you'll derive from the exercise. End each visualization with your personal equivalent of an Olympic gold medal—whether that's stepping on the scale with a smile, crossing the finish line of a charity fun run, or acing a test.

changing for good

-Maybe you're still in the precontemplation or contemplation stages—the two longest phases in the process of change. Or you may be ready to begin the third stage of preparation and to take concrete steps toward your goal. Wherever you are, you need not remain frozen in this moment, looking over your shoulder, your gaze fixed on the past, always just about to make the choice that will change your life but never quite making it. You have only to turn, face the present moment, and begin to work from your current position. Until you do, you remain mired in what you already know rather than moving ahead to what you have yet to learn. The pain you want to avoid is knowing what to do but not doing it. -Tasks that once seemed impossible can be mastered with persistence. -Every day you choose whether and how to express love, creativity, and excellence. Regardless of what you choose, your choices have consequences. Ask yourself: What am I doing with my time? What do I need to do to express who I am? Pick one new thing to do each day that can raise your "standard of living." What is the center point of your life? How do you nurture and nourish your body and your spirit? Are you so busy doing everything that you enjoy nothing? -You can make better choices. The small decisions of everyday life—what to eat, where to go, when to study—are straightforward. Larger issues—which major to choose, what to do about a dead-end relationship, how to handle an awkward work-study situation—are more challenging. However, if you think of decision-making as a process, like change, you can break down even the most difficult choices into manageable steps. The following can help whenever you face a decision:

why change seems so stressful

-Perhaps the greatest misconception about—and barrier to—personal change is the notion that you have to change who you are. You don't. The problem never is and never will be who you are. The problem—and what you may need to change—is what you do. -The idea of who you are resides at the center of your sense of reality. It is part of the glue that holds your reality together. You believe that if you know anything, you know yourself. And you feel that you know what is possible for you. -What you actually know is what you have habitually believed and how you have consistently behaved. You have what police call an "m.o.," or modus operandi, a way of doing things and a way of thinking about things that seldom varies in significant ways unless you consciously decide otherwise. -When asked to attempt something different or new, you may think you can't do it on the basis of your past history. You mistake what you have never habitually done for something you cannot do. If you've never been punctual, you can't see yourself suddenly being on time. If you've always been disorganized, you can't imagine a clutterfree workspace. If you've gorged on junk food for years, you don't think a salad could ever satisfy you. -But all of life consists of doing things you never did before and beginning to do them before you are sure you can. No rehearsal completely prepares you for the first day at a new school, or a championship game, a driving test, or an interview. Preparation helps, but there is a moment—often not entirely at your discretion—when you must deliver. The experience can be scary, but it is the key to growing and moving forward with your life. -Remember that you, with all your talents and quirks, your passions and preferences, are more than the sum of your habits. You can change your behaviors and still feel, not just like yourself, but also like the best possible and most complete version of yourself.

beyond willpower

-Psychologists say such individuals have high trait self-control, which means they do better at avoiding temptation, resisting impulses, and blocking out distractions. -However, researchers have discovered a secret behind their seemingly superhuman self-discipline: They don't simply resist temptations; they avoid them. Successful dieters, for instance, don't buy candy—let alone keep a stash in the closet. They put their running shoes by their bedside to remind them to get moving first thing in the morning. And when they're crashing on a project, they turn off phones and alerts, close the door, and get the job done -try to avoid tempting situations instead of just relying on willpower. "If you can avoid temptation," the researchers concluded, it will not even occur to you: success without effort." -You can also use the opposite approach: Display reminders of what you're trying to achieve. Hang your bathing suit in plain sight to inspire your weight loss plan; download a photo of an Olympic athlete to motivate yourself to work out; if you're saving to study or travel abroad, turn an image of your desired destination into your screen saver.

relapse

-Reverting to old behaviors -is often part of the process of change. Behavioral change is a process rather than a one-time event. People often spiral through the various stages several times before the desired change becomes stable -Even with considerable inner reserves and advance planning, you may lose your footing. Whatever you do, do not consider any stumble a failure. The only failure will be failing to mine the situation to discover as much information as you can. Mistakes and setbacks teach exactly what you need to move forward—especially if you think you have hit the wall or crashed and burned. Do a post-mortem on this little episode. Seek the support of a counselor or wise friend at this time, someone who can help you identify the factors which led to your relapse and help you find the motivation to try again. Then regroup, reload, and launch Plan B. Avoid drama. Consider all of this as nothing more than a mid-course correction. When you drive, you make hundreds of tiny course corrections in order to travel in a straight line. It is the same with change. Sometimes when you're driving, you come to a detour. The same happens with change.

the stages of change

-Some theories emphasize the role of the unconscious; others focus on the dynamics of our relationships or our thoughts and habits. Psychologist James Prochaska and his colleagues, by tracking what they considered to be universal stages in the successful recovery of drug addicts and alcoholics, developed a way of thinking about change that cuts across psychological theories. -Their "transtheoretical" model focuses on universal aspects of an individual's decision-making process rather than on social or biological influences on behavior. -Instead of conceptualizing change as an exertion of effort or will, Prochaska identified various stages that people move through as they progress from being clueless, to conscious, to committed to making a change. This process begins slowly before you make a deliberate decision to change. Rather than marching in linear fashion from one stage to the next, most people spiral (as in, relapses are possible) through the following stages: 1) precontemplation, 2) contemplation, 3) preparation, 4) action, 5) maintenance

precontemplation

-The period prior to behavioral change when a person has no intention of making a change. -you feel stressed or sense that something is not quite right or not quite the way you want it to be, you haven't identified exactly what's wrong, let alone thought about looking for solutions. You are vaguely uncomfortable, but this is where your grasp of what is going on ends. -ex: If you feel healthy and are busy with your classes and activities, for instance, you may never think about exercise. Then you notice you get winded walking up stairs. Still you don't quite register the need to do anything about it. -During precontemplation, change remains hypothetical, distant, and vague and seems unlikely. Yet you may speak of something bugging you and wish that things were somehow different. If you ignore or override this discomfort or find sufficient distractions, precontemplation can last indefinitely, and you won't change.

action

-The stage of change in which you actively modify your behavior according to your plan. -our resolve is strong, and you know you're on your way to a better you. You no longer keep your plan under wraps—not that you could. Change produces signs that are visible to others. You may not join your old friends for poker games, or midweek beer pong tournaments. You may talk to your adviser about dropping a course or signing up for a free tutorial. -In the action stage, things you mulled over and incubated for years unfold quickly. The more attention you devote to nurturing and solidifying your new habits, the faster they fall into place. In a relatively short time, you acquire a sense of comfort and ease with the change in your life.

contemplation

-The stage of change in which, although you might prefer not to change, you start to realize that you must. -You acknowledge that something is amiss and begin to consider what is and whether you can do anything about it. You still prefer not to have to change, but you start to realize that you can't avoid reality. -ex: Maybe your grades have plummeted, and you're facing academic probation. Maybe you're been putting in such long hours at work that you doze off during lectures. -As you begin to weigh the trade-offs of standing pat versus acting, you may alternate between wanting to take action and resisting it. You may question your ability to change and feel moody and irritable, reflections of the ambivalence and indecisiveness you feel. -During the contemplation stage of change, you think about the way things are and the way you'd like them to be.

what you need to know about change

-There is no on-off toggle switch, no all-or-nothing experience that clearly divides your life into what was and what will be -There is no on-off toggle switch, no all-or-nothing experience that clearly divides your life into what was and what will be -*Don't worry about being ready to make changes. You have the capacity and the strength you need; you have only to decide to use them.* --Personal change demands no prerequisites. You don't have to wait for a burst of insight or a jolt of inspiration. You don't need a guru, coach, or therapist. Change starts with something extremely commonplace: observing what you do now and thinking through different satisfying. Once you create this vision, you can prepare your change plan. --personal change occurs in steps. ex=learning to play the piano. Slowly, steadily, you make progress until one day something seems to click. Suddenly you're making music rather than playing notes. But you've also learned all kinds of other things: how to position your body, use your fingers and hands, recognize rhythm, read notes—so much! When you take small, methodical steps toward a goal, you acquire more than one new competence: If you pay attention, you teach yourself how to make a change. -- Personal change proceeds better with scientifically tested tools. Many people change by trial and error. But there are powerful research-based tools that dramatically increase the chance of successful change. In fact, if you use them consciously and consistently, they make change nearly inevitable. Some are as simple as focusing your attention with laser-like intensity or changing the language you use when talking to yourself. These tools, applied conscientiously, will spare you a lot of wasted time and needless frustration. --Personal change replaces old habits with new skills. You couldn't get through the day without habits. Your daily routine consists of habitual behaviors. But if you take the time to step back and observe yourself, you may identify some habits that get in your way and slow you down. You can replace these negative behaviors with positive new skills (the word people use for habits they like and want to keep) that empower and energize your life. --Personal change requires time as well as effort. To change you must adopt an appropriate long-range perspective. Instead of planning a quick fix, the emotional equivalent of a crash diet, think in terms of revising forever the specific, decisive aspects of your life that will make a difference. People who lose weight and keep it off don't go on—and inevitably off—a diet. They permanently change the way they eat and exercise. The key word is "permanently." Lasting revisions take time and diligence, although not as much as you might suppose—and certainly not more than you can muster.

real talk

-Vague language ("sort of, kind of")invites you to hold back, especially when you're talking about what you want to do. Add "really" to the mix, and you dilute what you're saying even more. -This kind of speech carries an ambivalence virus that infects your thinking and your ability to move on things. When you speak of goals, use definitive, unequivocal language to describe what you want and how you intend to get it. Say, "I will do it"—with no kind of, sort of vagueness attached or implied. Notice the difference from the wishy-washy conditional tense and passive voice of, "I would like it to get done today." These statements sound different because they are different. Speaking with purpose will change the way you and others perceive you. It is important to remember that goals are not met by being "kind of interested" or "sort of trying." -When you start a sentence with "it" or use the passive voice, you suggest that things happen independent of your will or because of external events not under your direction. Compare the differences between the following: "It needs to get done."=suggests that there is no point in exercising the power you do have and thus excuses you from responsibility "I need to do it."=talks about a need. There is no stated intention and no directive to complete. "I am doing it today."=difference between the first and third is night and day in terms or urgency and intention to complete the task at hand. -All three express differences in locus of control and intention to complete the action. -Ducking responsibility, however appealing at the moment, always costs you heavily. When you linguistically evade responsibility, you reduce personal power and control and invite the passivity that the passive voice implies -By taking greater responsibility for your language and with your language, you demand that you take greater responsibility for your actions and with your life. -Using the active voice—I am, I do, I will—frees you to seek ways in which you can exert a directing force upon your life. When you use the active voice and embrace as much responsibility for your actions as you can, you will notice a greater sense of mastery and personal efficacy. -Say "I am writing the essay this afternoon." Then do it. Do not say. "I'm going to take a stab at that essay today or tonight—whenever I can get to it." Deconstruct the second sentence, and you will easily recognize how vague your operating instructions are. The odds of your finishing it this afternoon by saying it the second way are next to nothing. Why? Because you didn't say anything that remotely expresses this specific intention and the instructions to your brain are vague. To follow those vague instructions your brain actually has to take vague actions and not complete the task. In plain language, you aren't planning to, so you won't.

what you can and can't change

-What is the difference between these two groups? (one group doesn't change in that they cling to routines for no reason other than the ease of staying within their comfort zone.; the other group train for marathons, quit smoking, switch fields, write screenplays, take up the saxophone, or learn to tango) The way they think. People who successfully change do not question whether change is possible or look for reasons why they cannot change. They simply decide on a change they want and do whatever is necessary to accomplish it. Changing, which always stems from a resolute decision, becomes job one. When people do not change, the reason is not that change isn't possible, but that they put the brakes on change or limit their possibilities. -You can't alter when and where you were born. You can't do anything but complain about the weather. You cannot fly like a bird regardless of how furiously you flap your arms. But often you think you cannot do something simply because you have never done it before. -To make a change—whether it's to eliminate a bad habit or to create a good one—you have to do two things: *Repeat new actions in order to forge new connections in the brain. *Resist the natural tendency to follow the well-trod path of least resistance. -if you observe yourself closely, you will see that you are already adept at creating simpler habits. changing forces you to consider alternatives, requires both new neural pathways and repetition over time to overcome the inclination to return to older, more familiar patterns. -Although venturing into new territory can feel stressful, the discomfort is temporary. Every time you repeat your new behavior, you strengthen the new connections in your brain. If you have ever worked with weights, you remember how sore your biceps felt in the beginning. But if you persisted, your muscles grew bigger and stronger. The original weight became easier to lift, and soon you could hoist heavier loads. -A similar process occurs as you make a change in your behavior. The first steps feel awkward and uncertain, but they become fluid with time and practice. It is important to remind yourself that just because something may feel strange or uncomfortable, the feeling will pass. The next time will feel more comfortable, and may become something you deeply enjoy.

boosting your power to change

-When you're facing a challenge or a change (or the challenge of change), think like Robinson Crusoe: Use what you've got. Take advantage of every opportunity. Don't mope and whine. Don't spend your time grieving for what should or might have been. Don't pine for something you lack, like more money or a supportive partner. Become the master of what you have and what is available to you. -Exploit the advantages of what seem to be disadvantages. If you feel that you don't have enough money, for example, become expert at stretching your resources. Use your student ID to get into museums and movies at a lower price. Investigate all the free classes, movies, music, recreational programs, and other opportunities available on and off campus. Enjoy local free concerts. Sign up for deal-offering websites, such as Groupon, LivingSocial, ScoutMob, Google Offers, Amazon Local, or Savvy Circle. You don't need an extravagant budget. -Pay attention and you will be awash in great opportunities for special experiences. And remember: Every sunset is free, and there's no charge for walking in the moonlight. -*If you're thinking ahead to your career (and you should be), you may worry about how to go about getting job experience. Rather than hustling for whatever low-paying job you can scrounge, volunteer to work for free doing something you find meaningful or in a field of interest. Once you get that opportunity, become as useful and productive as you can. Do not fall victim to conventional thinking—your own or someone else's—about what you must achieve on what timetable.* -Act on what you have now and where you are now. You may become so valuable to the organization for which you volunteer that when you say you can't afford to stay longer, they offer you a paying position because they don't want to lose you. Whether they do or not you will have had an experience in the environment you were seeking and had the chance to learn. -You do the same when you do everything you can with whatever is at your disposal and exploit every opportunity to achieve your goals. -Would you ever board a plane for Chicago and say, "Well, we got three-quarters of the way there!" as if that were good? -Persist, persevere and don't settle for "almost there." If you stall on the final stretch, do a quick reality check. Maybe you need to break down some steps into smaller bits or add a few more to reach your goals. Don't hesitate to seek more support, or simply allow yourself more time. Not only be gentle with yourself, but also be firm. Keep working towards your goals.

your destination goal

-You wouldn't board a bus without knowing where you want to go, but it's easy to drift through our days with only a vague sense of where we're heading. -Unfortunately, goals that don't lead somewhere—like wanting to be happy or rich—tend to go nowhere. A specific, focused, realistic goal, such as selling your designs for phone and tablet cases online or learning a new language, provides a solid destination that can fast-forward you into the future. -A long-term goal transforms your brain into a satellite dish picking up the signals that are most relevant to your quest. Rather than staying in the "wouldn't it be nice if ..." mode, a destination goal instructs your mind to focus on an objective. Then while you get to work on the short-term goals and action steps, your unconscious mind searches for additional possibilities and creative solutions.

motivating change: go for your goals

-stress is (to a great extent) in the eye of the beholder. When your eyes are focused on a dream, on something big that you want out of life, or on smaller dreams of relationships you wish to develop, skills you wish to master, self-understanding you wish to cultivate, or adventures you want to pursue, you see purposeful action and challenge not as stresses, but as steps to take on your way to your goal. -Goals carry us from dreaming to doing by giving us purpose and direction. They also provide a rationale and a set of priorities to guide us in selecting which changes we want to make and when. As road maps that lead to destinations, action plans provide us with a way to reach our goals by suggesting an itinerary for getting us there. People who set goals, write them down, and review them reach them faster. They also report less stress, greater happiness, and more life satisfaction. -Without goals, you remain stuck. With goals, you learn, you grow, and you become what you wish. Here are some specific steps to take: *See it, say it, write it. Create an image of your goal. Maybe you see yourself performing on stage, hanging your paintings for an exhibit, or anchoring the local news. Describe and define your goal in your mind. Then put it in words and commit it to paper. Until you write down what you want, it's only a wish. Feel free to amend, modify, refine, expand and extend your goals—and then check off each one as you reach it. *Identify your resources. Do you have what you need—knowledge, skills, time—to succeed? Systematically analyze barriers. Think through, in very concrete and specific terms, what is likely to get in your way. For each obstacle, list solutions. *Set goals that focus on changing behavior and make them as specific as possible. If your goal is to study abroad for a semester, this is what you might write: --Today's goal: I will go online and identify the program and location that most interests me. --This week's goal: I will meet with my advisor and a financial aid advisor to make sure studying abroad won't interfere with my required courses or my scholarship. --This month's goal: I will download and complete the application.

your short-term goals

-tools for reaching immediate objectives in brief time frames, such as one week -example of short-term goal planning might be to meet with a financial aid officer, check certain websites about summer internships, or read a certain book within a week. -A short-term goal has specific objectives and an unambiguous deadline for meeting it. -Decide on specific objectives you want to accomplish within a brief time period and write them down. For instance, you may want to discover and evaluate any and all Chinese-language groups or activities on campus. -Schedule time to accomplish your goal. You might set aside time between classes to meet with a Chinese language professor. Mark in your calendar when you are going to complete a task. -Announce your goals to one other person. Agree to check in with him or her at a specific time every week to report on your progress and to set new goals to reach by your next meeting. -Schedule time to look at your list of short-term goals every day, and take the actions necessary to reach them. Make this a non-negotiable imperative. -Whenever you achieve a goal, check it off, tell a friend, or just raise your hands above your head like an athlete who's just clinched a championship. This builds your sense of "I can do it. I am doing it. Look how far I've come!" -Are you thinking of becoming a premed because your mother never had the chance to fulfill her dream of becoming a doctor? Are you going out for soccer because of your grandfather's passion for the game? Are you trying one major after another because you would really rather train to be a paramedic than get a degree in liberal arts? Are you taking evening courses because your supervisor suggested them or because you want to move into management? -Whenever you're setting goals—whether long-term or short-term—these guidelines are critical: *Set only your own goals. Don't allow others to set them for you, and don't set goals for others. *Always write your goals down, and look at them often. Putting a goal in writing moves you from wishing to doing, from contemplation to preparation and action. When you write goals down, you become more committed to making your words come true. *Give each goal a rating from 0 to 10 for the degree to which the goal is one you embrace as your own, using 0 for one that you do not embrace at all and 10 for a goal fully embraced by you. Make a second rating to express the importance of accomplishing each goal, using 0 for a goal completely unimportant to you and 10 for one as important as you could imagine.

choosing change

Like blinders, your past experiences limit your vision. You look at life through the lens of your pre-existing ideas, biases, and fears. If you had a serious illness as a child, every visit to a doctor may be terrifying -To change your perception of stress, you have to set aside such preconceptions and expand your sense of how far you've come and how capable you've become. -cannot control every aspect of your life. All of us enter the world with certain givens, and there is an element of unpredictability to what happens around us. But you decide what to eat; whether to drink or smoke; when to study, sleep, and exercise -Every time you learn something new, whether it's rock climbing or rocket science, you expand your possibilities and enhance your ability to cope. Whenever you stretch yourself to understand another point of view, you change your range of knowledge. When you tackle a challenging task and dare to fail, you change your capacity to grow. Without such changes you would remain a smaller, paler, narrower shadow of who and what you can become. And your world would seem smaller and more stressful.

preparation

The stage of change in which individuals begin to think, plan, and act with change specifically in mind. -you stop flip-flopping, make a clear decision, and feel a burst of energy -gather information, make phone calls, do research online, and look into exercise classes at the gym. You begin to think and act with change specifically in mind, even if you hold something back. -Part of preparation is getting internally accustomed to the idea of change and the impact it will make on you. This takes the form of mental rehearsal as you imagine what life will be like when you change. Trying things on for size in your mind helps you ready yourself to deal with higher expectations and new demands. In this phase you face your fears openly. -eavesdrop on what you're saying to yourself, you would hear statements such as, "I am going to do this," and you set a date, such as, "I will begin on ________." (i personally feel the need to begin change as soon as I feel inspired and equipped enough to do so, so if i want to start exercising i start exercising the day of, or start eating healthy the day of) Yet you may not share your plans with others. Despite all the internal progress you've made, you aren't necessarily ready to go public and commit to change.

is this the best time to make change?

YES! . If you wait for change to happen spontaneously or for circumstances to change, you will keep waiting. Hoping fortune will come and smile upon you is not a method for change. Fortune has already smiled and given you the present moment. If you create a weekly study schedule for yourself right now, we doubt that you'll regret it come finals week. -Postponing change is not simply postponing; it is a failure to act. Any apparent advantage usually turns out to be imaginary. If you wait until you have more money or more time, or until you're comfortable with what the future holds, you may end up waiting forever. If you wait to be in the right mood to change, you inevitably will wait longer than necessary. In order to change, you need something other than time, money, or a certain mood. You need the skills we describe later in this chapter. -rather than waiting for the perfect time to come, you may fear that your ideal moment has passed. Think again. There is no one single moment, no one single choice, that defines a life. Believing that you missed your chance, believing that the time is not right or ripe for change, is a way to justify not changing. All of us have passed on important opportunities. If you keep looking back, you get trapped in regret and ignore the opportunities that exist now. You cannot relive or undo the past, but you have this moment in time. You decide what you want to do with it. -What if you're too busy right now? Who isn't? Using excuses to resist change is only hurting you and your potential. Start small—in fact, it is best to start small, but do start. Do not fall into the "if I can't exercise for an hour, I won't exercise at all" trap. If something is worth doing, it is worth doing for whatever amount of time you can give it. And it is worth starting now. You deserve it. -an exercise/method to try: *Imagine that you are standing in front of an imaginary line in the sand. One side represents life as you have lived it in the past; the other, your new life. Crossing the line represents a complete, final, no-turning-back decision to make a change of series of changes that will help you create the life you want. *This exercise is even more powerful if you act it out and physically cross from one side of a room or a space to the other as a symbolic commitment to change