Chapter 10 Friendships in our lives

What are the external tensions on friendship

competing demands, personal changes, geographic distance

Support

- we expect friends to support us and there are many ways to show it -saying I care about you -listening to problems -offer help -being available

Pressures on friendships

-Internal tensions and external pressures

relationship rules

- unspoken understandings that regulate how people interact

Deterioration stages

-When one or both friends stop investing in a friendship it is likely to wane. -it is more common to have a gradual wane than an abrupt dramatic ending ---abrupt ending - dramatic, tense argument, breaches in trust, stealing, lying, breach of confidence ---gradual wane - decreased quantity and quality of communication, drifting -To revive a friendship that was waned, however, both must be committed to rebuilding trust and intimacy

geographic distance -friends of the road

-change as we move along the road of life --workplace, neighborhood friends

External Pressures on friendships

-competing demands --work, romantic relationships -personal changes --children etc. -geographic distance --involves frequent communication and economic resources

Emotional Closeness

-emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences. time = bonding

closeness through dialogue

-feminine speech communities, emphasize talk as a primary path to intimacy. -in general women see talking and listening face to face or social media as the main activities that create and sustain closeness -disclosive and emotionally expressive

Development of friendship -growth stages

-meeting - we tend to rely on social rules and roles, we tend to be polite and limit personal disclosures -Fledgling - small self disclosure, casual friendships, many dont move past this -Private rules for interacting - -stabilized friendship - needs a mutually high level of trust

Geographic distance -friends of the heart

-remain close regardless of distance and circumstances --intimate friends

closeness through doing

-sharing activities, friends enjoy doing things together and for each other -the primary form of closeness in masculine friendships -sharing activities and working toward common goals build a sense of camaraderie

Acceptance

-we expect friends to accept us, including our flaws -we dont put up false fronts with friends

What are the internal tensions on friendship

Relational dialectics, diverse communication styles, sexual attraction

Trust

key component of friendship 2 dimensions -trust involves confidence that others will be dependable -rooted in the belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare Trust develops gradually -family scripts also influence how much and how quickly we trust others

Internal tensions as a pressure on friendship

relationship stresses that grow out of people that their interactions -Relationship dialectics - ---connection / autonomy ---openness / privacy ---novelty / familiarity -Diverse communication styles - ---misunderstandings that arise from diverse cultural backgrounds -sexual attraction- ---challenging and need to talk openly about it

emotional closeness grows out of investments of:

time, talk, and shared experience

To revive a friendship that has waned both must be committed to rebuilding ______ and _________

trust, intimacy

Willingness to invest

we expect to invest time, effort, thought , and feeling in our friendships, and we may also invest materially by lending or giving money, gifts, and other items of value.