CHAPTER 6: LOVING AND CHOOSING A LIFE PARTNER

WHAT IS THE SITUATION OF SAME-SEX COUPLES?

-Absence of access to legal marriage -The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) 1996: Federal statute declaring marriage to be a "legal union of one man and one woman". States are not obligated to grant reciprocity to marriages performed in another state. States usually recognize other states legal decisions

WHAT CAN A COUPLE DO TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP?

-Adaptable (Compromise) Marriage Relationship: It allows and encourages partners to grow and change. Roles are renegotiatied as the needs of each partner change

WHY MIGHT COUPLES CHOOSE TO COHABITATE?

-Economics: there is a lot of costs that are more "cheaper" to share -"Test run" at marriage: finding out if they can live together -Next step in relationship. -Committed to marrying and living together before wedding -Don't 'believe in' institution of marriage -Legal marriage is not an option: Same-sex couples fall into this category. -Avoid hassle of divorce if break-up occurs

WHAT IS ONE CLASIFICATION OF SINGLES ACCORDING TO PETER STEIN?

-First, it is a role of choice and attitude about singlehood (is it a choice that people make? or they have not been able to find a partner) 1. Voluntary Temporary Singles: Expect to marry but searching for a partner is low priority. 2. Involuntary Temporary Singles: Expect to marry and actively seeking partner 3. Voluntary Stable Singles: Satisfied to have never married or do not want to remarry, cohabitants who don't intend to marry 4. Involuntary Stable Singles: Dissatisfied with singlehood but feel it is permanent. People who maybe would like a relationship but maybe don't feel that they have much option. Widows or widowers sometimes fall into this category Clip: Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond gets tired of dating, he falls into the 4 category

REASONS FOR HOMOGAMY

-Geographic availability or propinquity (how different areas have different characteristics: similar age.) so that we meet others around us that have some similarities with us -Social pressure (cultural values encourage us to marry someone who is similar to ourselves). Often comes from our family but this manifest in society in general

WHAT ARE SOME ADVANTAGES OF BEING SINGLE?

-Greater sense of control over life -Less responsibility for others -Less "irritation"

SINGLES AND SATISFACTION: HOW HAPPY ARE THEY, WHAT CAN THEY DO?

-It is important to establish connections with others and maintain socially supportive relationships

WHAT ARE SOME CHANGING ATTITUDES TOWARD SINGLEHOOD?

-People deliberately choose to be single as an alternative to marriage -This last point is seen more as a choice, not a deviant lifestyle -Marriage is no longer necessary to gain adult status -There is less parental pressure to marry -Women have increased economic independence

WHAT DO WE SEE IN THE FIRST YEARS OF MARRIAGE?

-Role-making: creating, by means of communication and negotiation, identities as married persons. This continues throughout marriage -There are 3 main potentially problematic topics for newly married couples (generally): a)Money b)Sexual frequency c)Time together

WHAT ARE SOME QUALITIES FOR SUCCESSFUL COHABITATION?

-There must be an understanding of the motives to cohabitate. -Having clear goals and expectations for self, partner, and relationship -Have legal issues worked out (see pg 202-203). What would happen if the couple breaks up? What would happen regarding residency, money, insurance, wills, health care decisions

CHARACTERISTICS OF SAME-SEX FAMILIES

-They may be couples living together (cohabitating) -Sometimes raising children together from previous marriage/relationships -Sometimes they choose to parent through adoption, foster care, planned sexual intercourse, or artificial insemination Film: Rocking the Cradle: Gay Parenting -These families may experience prejudice, lack of social support. They are not recognized as "real" or "legitimate" families.|

arranged marriage

-couples develop a loving r-ship after marriage -families and community do the bargaining, based on assets, possessions, and dowry

Free-Choice Culture

-people choose their own mate -typically seek parents' and other family members support for decision

The wheel of love: Rapport, Self-Revelation, Mutual Dependency, Need Fullfillment

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Six Love Styles

1. Eros- intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires 2. Storge- affectionate, companionate style of loving 3. Pragma- rational assessment of a potential partner's assets and liabilities. 4. Agape- unselfish concern for a beloved's needs even when that requires personal sacrifice 5. Ludus- enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for one serious relationship. 6. Mania- strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity

Three things love isn't

1. Martying- relucting/ maximize one's own needs while trying to satisfy those of one's partner 2. Manipulating- "If i cant get him/her to do what I want" 3. Limerence- fantasize about how you will develop a r-ship

WHERE ARE WE CURRENTLY IN MARRIAGE IDEAS? (MARRIAGE SHIFT CONT)

3. Individualized Marriage. Characteristics: -We have started to see marriage as something optional -Spouses roles are flexible -There are expected rewards including llove, communication, and emotional intimacy -Exists in conjunction with a variety of family forms

SOME STATISTIC

Avg cost of engagement ring: 5392 Avg wedding total cost: around 27000

WHAT ARE THE 4 TYPES OF COHABITATING RELATIONSHIPS?

Classification based on motivations and goals 1. Linus Blanket: at least one of the partners prefers a relationship with anyone: "better than being alone". A way of fulfilling the need of not being alone. 2. Emancipation: gain independence from parents. It is a way to prove their adulthood 3. Convenience: practical reasons (largest group). Sharing expenses, chores, time sexual accessibility 4. Testing mode: trial to decide about marriage

CHAPTER 7: MARRIAGE, WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

Decision for commitment that partners make publicly, to each other and to the state

WHAT WE EXPECT FROM MARRIAGE? (MARRIAGE PREMISES)

Expectation of sexual exclusivity (monogamy) Expectation of permanence: lifelong undertaking

U.S. DATING/MATE SELECTION

Free-choice culture -People generally choose their own mates -Way that we make choice: physical attraction, common interests, values/goals Pool of Eligibles -Group of individuals who due to background or birth are considered most likely to make compatible marriage partners. E.g. thinking about college campus: the majority are young adults, they are pursuing an education, there are different groups of interest, there is a lot of people -Individuals gradually sort out or filter out those who won't make the best spouse.

WHAT IS HARMONIOUS NEEDS?

Idea from Pepper Schwartz: Finding the right partner can involve trying to match similar needs Examples: 1. Personal energy: when spending time together personal energy comes into play (there are people who are fast paced, slower paced or in the middle) 2. Outlook: attitude, mood, general outlook, e.g. optimistic, pesimistic, fun-loving, serious. 3. Predictability: People who want variety and people who want certainty

MIDDLE RELATIONAL CONNECTION

Interdependence: degree of autonomy and sense of self, yet make commitment to another. Letter: M-frame. Sense of self with mutual influence and emotional support

WHAT IS COHABITATION?

It is a living arrangement in which two people who are not related and not married live together and most likely engage in a sexual relationship. -There has been a dramatic increase of cohabitation since 1960s -As a society we have been thinking of cohabitation as the "next step" of a relationship -Older people, widows and widowers sometimes decide not to marry but to cohabitate

What is love?

Love is a deep and vital emotion. The way that someone loves a partner is different than the way he/she loves a parent, son, etc -Strong emotional bond -Satisfies legitimate personal needs. We all have needs as humans (basic and also connections with other people that makes us feel worthy and valuable)

OTHER STATISTICS: ACTUAL SITUATION IN SOCIETY REGARDING MARRIAGE?

Marriage rate has declined -57% U.S. adults currently married Divorce rate remains high -All-time high in mid-1970s, declined since However, marriage is still the most socially acceptable gateway to family life

HOW IDEAS OF MARRIAGE HAVE SHIFTED THROUGH TIME? (MARRIAGE SHIFT), WHAT ARE THE IDEAS OF MARRIAGE THROUGH TIME?

Previous premises have stayed pretty much the same 1. Institutional Marriage: Marriage was social institution: what's best for society. This was based on the communal, collectivist ideal. Marriage joined extended families, property. It's about what is practical, more business-like, not related to feelings. It offered practical and economic security, it is a functional partnership. "Which two people ara best to be together". 2. Companionate Marriage. This idea is based on love, compatibility and separate gendered division of labor (breadwinner, homemaker)

THREE COMPONENTS OF THIS DEFINITION

Public: Announcements in newspapers How make commitment: through vows on church Commitment to the state: getting a marriage license

TRIANGLE OF ROMANTIC LOVE

Robert Sternberg: Sternberg's triangle Three components: Intimacy, passion, commitment. Intimacy: close, connected bonded feelings, togetherness Passion: romance, physical attraction. The quickest to develop and the quickest to fade Commitment: to love and maintain that love Consummate Love: complete love, all three components are present (sternberg's triangle)

WHAT IS HOMOGAMY?

Tendency to choose partners like ourselves

WHAT IS THE CRITIQUE OF THE THIRD IDEA OF MARRIAGE?

This could be an idealization of marriage

CHAPTER 8: BEING SINGLE AND OTHER INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS (21 FEB)

What does it mean to be single?: According to the text means "unmarried" -Almost 50% of the adult population is unmarried -Also, never-married, which is a category of singles. It is the growing tendency to postpone marriage until older -There is also single people that are divorced. Divorce leads to increased number of unmarrieds -Widowed: smaller percentage who are single because their partners have passed away. People living longer means that they are more likely to be widowed for longer. There is a significantly higher number of women who are widowed. -In general there are more single unmarried women

DOES MARRIAGE MATTER?

Why marrieds are happier than unmarrieds? 1. More financial security and shared costs 2. Promise of permanence, i.e. sense of security of having someone right now 3. enhances social support, shared family, friends. The more we feel cared for, the better we feel

Commitment

is characterized by this willingness to work through problems and conflicts as opposed to calling it quits when problems arise