Chapter 9: Healthy Relationships

Assertiveness:

A communication style based on respect for self and others in which feelings and thoughts are expressed honestly and forthrightly.

Attributional style:

A person's perceptions of success or failure; will affect motivation for future endeavors.

Learned helplessness:

Acquiring an outlook expecting failure and viewing the world and others in a negative light.

Learned Optimism

Acquiring an outlook expecting positive outcomes and viewing the world and others in a positive light.

Learned optimism:

Acquiring an outlook expecting positive outcomes and viewing the world and others in a positive light.

Aggressiveness

Aggressiveness is more like bullying behavior; it differs from assertiveness because it is not based on respect for yourself and for others. Aggressiveness could result in hurting others physically and/or emotionally.

Which of the following is NOT a sign of co-dependency? Assertiveness Addiction problems The need to please others Resentment Mistrust

Assertiveness

Passiveness

Contrasting assertiveness with passiveness, if passive you will fail to express your honest feelings. The passive tendency is to "stuff" your emotions. This is extremely detrimental to your health and to healthy relationships.

What are the "three C's" that define the concept of personality hardiness?(choose all that apply)

Control Challenge Commitment

Virtues:

Core values that have been universal for centuries and in various cultures.

Flow

Extraordinary feelings accompanied by a lack of self-consciousness or awareness of time when fully engaged in an activity

Flow:

Extraordinary feelings accompanied by a lack of self-consciousness or awareness of time when fully engaged in an activity.

T/F: A relationship is intimate only if sex is involved. True False

False

T/F: Presenting yourself in a positive and healthy way means doing what you think others expect of you. True False

False

Positive psychology:

Focus on mental health rather than mental illness, and on what people can do to foster greater happiness.

Positive Psychology

Focus on mental health rather than mental illness, and what people can do to foster great happiness

Listening is a significant part of successful communication. EduGuide, an award-winning non-profit online service to help people attain academic success, has developed an acronym for healthy listening:

HEALTHY

Which of the following statements reflects personal responsibility? I had no choice. I feel frustrated. You made me feel insignificant. If you treat me better, I'll be happy. I'm just not good at math.

I feel frustrated.

THE CAPACITY TO CONFIDE.

Individuals who confide their secrets, traumas, and feelings to themselves and others have livelier immune responses, healthier psychological profiles, and far fewer incidences of illness. HARDINESS. The concept of personality hardiness includes the "three Cs"—a sense of control over one's quality of life, health, and social conditions; a strong commitment to one's work, creative activities, and/or relationships; and a view of stress as a challenge rather than a threat. People who exhibit the three Cs suffer far fewer chronic illnesses and symptoms than those who don't. Other investigators have found that hardy individuals have stronger immune systems.

Dr. Harry Reis, co-editor of the Encyclopedia of Human Relationships, presented 10 evidence-based ways that love and health connect through long-term relationships.

Most of the research has been conducted on married couples, but Reis believes these benefits apply to any close relationships, such as with a partner, friend, or parent (Figure 14). The key, says Reis, is to "feel connected to other people, feel respected and valued by other people, and feel a sense of belonging" and then these benefits accrue:

Which of the following is NOT good speaking advice? Be specific, instead of using common phrases like "think outside the box." Avoid saying "you know" and "like." Give others a chance to talk. Make sure you control the conversation. Stay positive.

Make sure you control the conversation.

ATTENTION, CONNECTION, EXPRESSION (THE ACE FACTOR).

People who are tuned in to mindbody signals of discomfort, pain, fatigue, distress, sadness, anger, and pleasure cope better psychologically, have a better immune profile, and a healthier cardiovascular system.

Communicating with another individual, such as a long conversation with a friend or a brief exchange with a cashier at a grocery store, are the most common interactions that you have each day. Healthy listening skills are important in all situations. However, it is important to be aware that you are always communicating to the world by how you act and how you present yourself (Figure 12).

Presenting yourself in a positive and healthy way doesn't mean doing what you think others expect of you. It means being confident in yourself and your values and treating the world with respect. So, in this section, we'll discuss basic principles that are essential to communicating who you are: integrity, personal interests and abilities, and environmental awareness.

One aspect of the recovery process is that expressing feelings removes a person from an isolated state (if they have not expressed anything) and engages them in much needed socially supportive networks of people (Figure 7).

Related research indicates that, generally, men have a more difficult time expressing feelings than women. Improved expression of feelings on the part of men enhances receiving psychological and social support and results in healthier relationships.

emotional resilience

The ability to recover quickly from traumas due to illness or misfortune

Emotional resilience:

The ability to recover quickly from traumas due to illness or misfortune.

T/F: To become interdependent, we must first be independent. True False

True

Hardiness

The capacity to deal successfully situations and turn adversities into advantages.

Hardiness:

The capacity to deal successfully with stressful situations and turn adversities into advantages.

Personality:

The physical, mental, emotional, and social characteristics of a person.

All of the following are true about intimate relationships EXCEPT: They may include sexual relationships. They may share emotional intimacy without being sexual. They are a close relationships between two people that reside in the mature realm of interdependence. They may lack emotional availability. They are characterized by strong, emotionally supportive bonds.

They may lack emotional availability

Love:

Valuing and maintaining close relationships with others.

For many, relating to God or to a Higher Power is the bedrock of all their relationships (Figure 19). Examine your own beliefs to see if they possibly lead you in this direction. If so, explore what this means to you and the nature of this relationship. Can you make it stronger through your own actions? Do you feel comfortable meditating or praying?

To receive love is often more difficult than to give love. Having a strong connection with deity usually means we are desirous of, or willing to receive, love. This is a significant attribute for healthy relating. If we are not capable of or interested in receiving love, it is more than challenging to form a quality long-term relationship. Not being willing to receive love is often a sign of a person wanting to control rather than relate.

Y = Yielding - Put aside other concerns while you listen; plan time in the near future to try to resolve a difficult problem if you cannot do so immediately.

When we practice healthy listening, we are setting the stage for healthy relationships. Good listening is not terribly commonplace. Often people who are supposedly listening are actually contemplating what they want to say next in the conversation rather than really listening to the other person (Figure 8).

Assertiveness is (choose all that apply) not respecting the rights of others. screaming to get your way. communicating clearly and honestly. never disagreeing with others. based on respect for yourself and others.

communicating clearly and honestly. based on respect for yourself and others.

While touch is healthy and healing, it can also be very distressing for someone who has been abused or in some other way hurt by touch. It is extremely important to either ask for and receive permission before touching someone, or at least be very sensitive to body language that may be telling you to back off. Rather than judge someone for not wanting to be touched,

it is a worthwhile effort to extend yourself and really try to understand why he or she is uncomfortable with touch. Your empathy may be the impetus another needs to eventually learn to trust touch and benefit from it.

In the mid-1960s, during their doctoral studies in psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, Steven Maier and Martin Seligman developed the

learned helplessness hypothesis (Figure 1). From their research, they discovered that when a person was confronted with an uncontrollable situation, he or she would ask, "What was the cause?"

T/F: Not having close personal relationships has been found to be as detrimental to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being an alcoholic. True False

True

T/F: The passive tendency is to "stuff" emotions instead of expressing honest feelings is extremely detrimental to health and to healthy relationships. True False

True

Happiness:

Finding joy, contentment, pleasure, and meaning in life.

According to Maier and Seligman, which three explanations for the causes of uncontrollable situations result in learned helplessness? (choose all that apply) Stable Temporary Global Internal Specific

Stable Global Internal

According to a Harvard Medical School Special Report on Positive Psychology, the flow experiences have these common characteristics:

You lose awareness of time. You aren't thinking about yourself. You aren't interrupted by extraneous thoughts. You have clear goals at each moment but aren't focused on the outcome but rather the activity itself. You are active. You work effortlessly. You would like to repeat the experience.

A classic work on relationships that was popular on college and university campuses in the 1960s and 1970s and is still read today is the book I and Thou, by philosopher Martin Buber. The main premise of his work is that it's in relationships that we find meaning in life. In everyday relationships, we merely use each other to get something, but we do not really connect as we interact.

Buber characterizes these relationships as I-It relating. His writing encourages mankind to move to more sincere and genuine relating in which both parties are cognizant of their own personal meaning and value, and from that basis treat each other with mutual respect (Figure 10). In the relating the two connect and find meaning from each other. This is I-You or I-Thou relating.

Abusive Relationships One of the saddest components of abusive relationships is that, over time, they tend to get worse instead of better. There are many forms of abuse, not just physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. An abuser is often very angry, has a very poor sense of self, and is not honest with himself or herself, nor with others.

It is common to find control issues, threats, and withholding of emotion in abusive relationships. Often the abuser has been abused and the pattern is not changed. Typically, moving into another relationship will not eliminate the abuse because it probably stems from within the individual more than from a particular relationship. Another insidious aspect of abusive relationships is that if you do try to remove yourself from the relationship, the abuser often becomes more abusive.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is behaving confidently based on respect for yourself and for others. Being assertive is healthy behavior and positions you for healthy relationships. When you are assertive you are honest about your feelings, and this always helps with good relating. You can be honest without being mean or disrespectful. You never want to hurt another, so you learn how to express yourself in a caring but truthful manner.

H = Hugs - Show some sign of appropriate physical touch, such as a hug, and comfort to the one to whom you are listening.

E = Empathy - Empathy shows with words and body language that you understand the other's feelings.

Dr. Harry Reis, co-editor of the Encyclopedia of Human Relationships, presents 10 evidence-based ways that love and health connect through close long-term relationships. Which of the following is NOT one of the health benefits he presents? Lower blood pressure Fewer dental problems Less anxiety Longer life Longer life

Fewer dental problems

A = Attention - Make sure the person knows you are focused on him or her.

L = Listening - Try first to understand what the person is saying.

In a review of 148 studies of over 300,000 people, it was discovered that close relationships with friends and family are keys to health and longevity. This is one extremely important healthy behavior that is woefully neglected in the wellness literature. Not having close personal relationships has been found to be as detrimental to health `

as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being an alcoholic. Studies have demonstrated that not having strong social support was even more harmful to health than being obese or not exercising. Relationships take many forms, connections with other people and also relating to you. When it comes to health, all relationships are important. We have discussed many facets of the significance of your attitude toward yourself and the power of self-respect. In this chapter, we begin by exploring how personality and relationships affect health.

According to positive psychology, optimists see problems as: (choose all that apply) challenges personal weaknesses stable events that occur but can be resolved global

challenges events that occur but can be resolved

Lonely people tend to (choose all that apply) have higher blood pressure. have poorer nutrition. produce more cortisol. be more creative. be more hostile.

have higher blood pressure. have poorer nutrition. produce more cortisol. be more hostile.

T = Time - Do not rush the conversation; give the person time to talk about his or her concerns and feelings.

H = Hear - Listen to the meaning of the words and in a natural manner affirm that you understand; work with the person to make sure you really do understand his or her meaning.

Adam is hoping that his gym, Total Body Turnaround, with improved technology, will be completely powered by individuals working out. ReRev is a commercial enterprise that has been retro-fitting gym equipment to take the kinetic motion of aerobic exercise and convert it to safe, renewable energy that feeds into the electrical system. Many of these systems have been installed in universities throughout the United States. Oregon State University (OSU) may have the largest human power plant in the world, according to ReRev Vice President Glen Johansen. Working together with ReRev, in 2009 OSU converted 22 elliptical machines to use human energy to help run the Dixon Recreation Center's electrical system.

A study at Albion College, supported by the National Center for Environmental Research, analyzed the effectiveness of a similar program, Calories to Kilowatts (C2K). The results were so successful that additional studies are being conducted and programs are being introduced to benefit third world countries. Hotels are providing free meals as incentives to guests to generate renewable energy in the hotels' fitness facilities. In the future, we can anticipate many more ways that the kinetic energy we produce as we engage in physical activity will be converted to renewable energy to improve the wellness of the environment, at the same time we work to improve our own wellness. This is a relationship worth working on!

Health Ramifications of Adult Attachment Adult relationships can be rated as secure, avoidant, or anxious. If you are able to draw close to others and have others depend on you, you will be able to form secure relationships. If you have difficulty trusting others and getting close to them, then you form avoidant attachments. In anxious attachments, you feel emotionally needy and fear rejection. These attitudes often result in others not wanting to get close to you.

A study that examined data from over 5,000 adults found a correlation between the nature of adult attachment and chronic diseases. Those who had insecure or avoidant attachments were at higher risk of developing cardiovascular problems and other conditions that were especially painful. This research affirmed previous studies linking insecure relationships with pain but introduced new findings that linked insecure relationships with cardiovascular problems. The researchers concluded that insecure attachment may be a risk factor for a wide range of health problems, and that counseling or other interventions aimed at improving attachment security could have definite positive health benefits.

Emotional Resilience Hardiness has become the standard of an emotionally resilient personality. The Hardiness Institute was founded by Salvatore R. Maddi, a professor at the University of California, Irvine. According to Maddi, "when you can navigate professional and personal challenges in a way that furthers your goals, strengthens your ability to turn adversity to advantage, and deepens professional and personal meaning, you succeed as an employee and as a person. That is the way of hardiness."

Adopting an internal locus of control and an attitude of seeing stress in a positive way as a challenge rather than a threat (eustress) and applying these to life circumstances fosters emotional resilience. The emotionally resilient person is able to bounce back after difficult or trying situations. They are able to employ good communication skills, show caring or empathy toward others, and exude optimism. These qualities contribute to a positive persistence in maintaining good personal relationships and a deeper sense of social conscience.

Often, when people hear the word intimacy they think that only applies to sex—but there is so much more to intimacy than that. Sexual relations are among the most intimate, but there are other aspects of intimacy in relationships that may be present in relationships that are not sexual.

An intimate relationship is a very close one between two people that resides in the mature realm of interdependence. The intimate relationship is characterized by strong emotionally supportive bonds, honestly and deeply confiding in one another, frequent relating, trust, deep feelings of belonging and approval, and feelings that each person is benefiting from the relationship. Understanding these dimensions of relating and making them part of your life will enable you to relate more deeply in all of your relationships. In a relationship in which you experience sexual relations, these emotional dimensions of intimacy may very well give the relationship more depth than sex does.

Mindbody Signals There is one thing for certain—your mindbody relationship is here to stay! So why not take advantage of the power of this relationship to help you to be healthy? Your beliefs make all the difference. These beliefs will reflect your level of optimism or pessimism. Do you worry about being unhealthy, or do you believe that you can regularly enjoy good health? Are you positive about your life and its meaning and purpose? Are you positive about the lives of others? The positive energy you exude will attract other positive people and fill your life with meaningful experiences.

Are you interested in getting to the underlying causes of problems and illnesses? Often people will ignore warning signs or even intentionally mask them to expedite a quick fix, without even looking for the cause. It is far more worthwhile to engage your best thinking, along with effective treatments, to discover the cause and rid yourself of the difficulty so you can move on. Every mindbody relationship is highly unique. It is good to learn from others, but it is also important to increasingly trust your own intuition. Eliminate those behaviors that bring tension to your life and embrace those that make you healthy and feel good in mind and body.

The Science of the Whole Individual Missing Touch in Cyber Space An extremely popular way of relating today is through the Internet. Social networking is taking place among all age groups. It certainly provides a means of communicating that keeps old friends in touch and facilitates the making of many new friends. As with anything positive, it also has its risks and inherent dangers. If you have been the victim of an online predator, you know it's a horrifying experience.

As many safeguards as possible must be taken so that you or your loved ones do not become a target for someone who does not have your best interests in mind. Cyber dating has resulted in many happy marriages and relationships. It has also resulted in many broken hearts. One of the inherent difficulties in cyber relating is that you do not relate with mindbody reality and wholeness. Not being able to look someone in the eye may keep you from being able to wisely discern his or her intentions. With touch being such a basic part of relating and a basic aspect of healthy living, it is a void in cyber relating that is not easily overcome by only emotional or cognitive sharing.

Body Language Consider body language that is characteristic of assertiveness, aggressiveness, or passiveness (Figure 11). Aggressive body language could be characterized by glaring at someone, tension, anger, tight jaw, or clenched fists. Passive body language, on the other hand, would probably look like this: avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, hiding, or slouching. The assertive body language will include calmly looking directly into another's eyes, absence of anger and fidgeting, and showing a positive countenance, a gentle face, possibly smiling.

Assertiveness is not gauged by always getting what you want. The advantages of being assertive pertain more to being at peace with yourself and having positive relationships. You realize that you cannot control others, nor do you want to try to be in charge of how they feel or act. Accompanying this attitude is the awareness that someone else cannot make you act or feel a certain way either. You feel more in control of your life, which is in your hands, and is demonstrated by your confidence.

Integrity:

Authentic, without pretense, sincere, taking responsibility for your feelings and actions.

Almost every facet of life—whether personal or a part of your career—involves speaking in such a manner that you make yourself understood. You may find yourself (more than you anticipated) trying to communicate your thoughts to small or large groups of people. Along with a fear of snakes or heights, one of the greatest fears people have is speaking in public. For many, it takes some doing to get over this fear and to become adept at public speaking. It may be difficult just to speak up in class. One of the best opportunities available to hone speaking skills is to take a class in public speaking. No matter what your career direction, this course is basic in a good education. If public speaking is not required for your degree, take the initiative to find a good course in public speaking in which you can enroll. Here are a few tips to help you reduce stress between yourself and persons to whom you are talking:

Avoid using common words or phrases in place of articulating the point you are making—for example, "think outside the box," "perfect," and "bang for your buck." Focus on making the point rather than trying to sound clever. Avoid annoying words or phrases such as "you know" or the overuse of "like" in your speaking. Take note of how often you use these words and then strive to replace them with better choices. Be respectful of others by making your point and then giving others a chance to talk—don't hog the conversation. Stay positive—your influence will be greater if you are more positive and less sarcastic or cutting. Awareness on your part will help you avoid feeling stressed by conversations or public speaking and also avoid putting stress on others. Your speaking manner and your conversational skills play significant roles in the health of your relationships.

NATURAL PAIN CONTROL. In long-term relationships, there are fewer complaints of back pain and headaches. Feelings of love enhance the brain's ability to keep pain under control. Years of research have verified that having a loved one present helps to reduce feelings of pain during medical procedures and in various other settings, compared to increased feelings of pain when alone. In a UCLA study, 25 women who were in long-term relationships had painful stimuli applied to them under varying experimental conditions including holding a squeeze ball, holding a stranger's hand, viewing a photo of a chair, or viewing a photo of their romantic partner. The conclusions were that the social support perceived from viewing the photo of their loved one resulted in the greatest reduction of pain. It seems as if a picture is worth more than a thousand words!

BETTER STRESS MANAGEMENT. Loving social support helps us deal with stressful situations. Social support is not the same as social contact. Social contact comes with being around people, but social support gives a form of sustenance that contributes to wellness and reduces the effects of negative stress. Family and close friends usually give more genuine care than a large number of superficial friendships. It is good to have several close friends so that you do not over-tax one friend, and different friends can be supportive in different ways. Knowing that you belong is basic to wellness. Just having friends does not have the same supportive effect if you feel that you do not fit in. The positive sense of belonging is also highly correlated with fewer signs of depression.

Touch is obviously a crucial part of our relating as infants and children, but research substantiates that touch in all personal relationships is vital to health and healthy relating (Figure 6). There definitely is significant mindbody communication taking place via touch.

Brain research indicates that the release of the hormone oxytocin, which is the basis for feeling trust, occurs at the time of a warm supportive touch. The message communicated by the supportive touch is that the person is not alone in dealing with challenges. This same touch also leads to a reduction in the main stress hormone, cortisol. When the prefrontal region of the brain that controls emotion is free of stress, it is more capable of doing other necessary brain functions, such as problem-solving.

According to John T. Cacioppo, a social neuroscientist at the University of Chicago and author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, loneliness is "one's own perceived social isolation." In other words, feeling isolated from others occurs even when a person is not isolated from others. If you do not feel connected to others—this sense of belonging we have discussed—you may be around others but still experience a powerful feeling of being alone. Loneliness can actually be good for us depending on how we respond to the feeling. Cacioppo sees loneliness as a trigger similar to hunger. Hunger prompts us to eat and to maintain our health. Loneliness is a signal that protects us from isolation and prompts us to connect with others (Figure 18). Both triggers are necessary for our health and survival.

Cacioppo explains that the reason we prosper is because we are socially connected to each other. When we respond to the trigger of loneliness, we seek to connect with others. To overcome loneliness, the key is the quality of our connections and not the quantity. When we respond immediately and volunteer to help someone or reach out to someone, loneliness has been a good trigger. When we fail to respond to that trigger, and experience long-term loneliness, then these feelings can lead to despair, depression, and illness.

Co-dependency in Relationships Co-dependence stems from a very poor sense of self and from low self-esteem. Somewhere fairly early in the maturity process, the individual did not grow from being dependent to being independent. Even as an adult the person is very dependent emotionally. This leads to being very needy emotionally and often leads to addictive relationships and/or addictions to substances or sex. From a basis of self-loathing, the person sacrifices what they need or want in order to please others. This leads to additional emotional pain that may be intolerable enough that addictions are used to escape the hurt and anguish.

Co-dependent relations are very unhealthy and are usually characterized as dysfunctional. The difficulty is that the co-dependent behavior can be misconstrued as simply a natural part of the role of caretaker. Being kind, doing things for others, and putting others first are all positive behaviors, but these behaviors become distorted when you do not have a positive sense of self. Without that independent foundation, resentment, jealousy, feelings of manipulation, mistrust, and anger become the order of the day. It is not only unhealthy for the relationship, but also very unhealthy for the individual. This is an extremely stressful way to live. If emotions are not expressed in a healthy manner, all kinds of physical problems can result.

It's easy to fall into the trap of blaming someone or something for the way our lives are turning out. Covey maintains that responsibility is our ability to respond—response-ability. Responding with blame means that we actually feel we had no choice. This is certainly a difficult way to go through life and is why addictions are so insidious. Addictions, more than anything, tend to nullify our capacity to respond. Choice is always present. We can choose how we respond whether physically, emotionally, or mentally. Being accountable for our actions will lead to personal happiness and positive relationships. "Owning" our feelings will result in expressing them with "I messages." Saying that "I feel this way" indicates you are responsible, whereas saying "you made me feel this way" communicates blame.

Common phrases that people say when they are avoiding responsibility are: I had no choice. That was out of my control. If you do, then I will. It's just the way I am. Avoiding responsibility impacts negatively on relationships because it's basically a form of manipulating another, rather than genuine and honest relating. Seek out healthy relationships by being in a healthy place yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. If change is needed, go about it gently. Believe in abundance. Life is good, and it is what you make of it.

Immune Power Personality Consistent with the thinking of positive psychology, Henry Dreher has written about mindbody scientists who have identified personality traits that are effective in helping us to stay healthy. The following traits have been identified as those that promote happiness and health affecting the whole person.

Each trait has been linked to an improved immune functioning and taken together Dreher identified them as the immune power personality. These traits are all ones that are possible to acquire—they can be learned—each of us can develop them to strengthen our abilities to get healthy, stay healthy, and develop healthy relationships that also contribute to our health. As you study these seven traits, identify the ones that you might have already developed and are working for you.

FEWER COLDS. When people are happy, lively, and calm, they are said to have a positive emotional style. Anxious, hostile, and depressed people have a negative emotional style. Positive emotional style attracts positive relationships that are characterized by loving interactions and better resistance to illness. A group of 193 healthy volunteers were given a test to see if they had a positive or negative emotional style. Then the participants were given nasal drops containing an influenza virus or a rhinovirus. Those volunteers with a positive emotional style reported fewer symptoms than expected after the exposure to both viruses. The researchers concluded that positive emotional style plays a more significant role in health than we previously thought.

FASTER HEALING. Hostility in a relationship can increase the likelihood of being ill, and acquiring chronic diseases at younger ages, than if the relationship was free of discord. There is growing evidence that negative emotions in a relationship work against our health, whereas positive emotions foster better health and wellness. This factor parallels individual attitudes and behavior. One study of 42 physically healthy married couples analyzed inflammation levels and healing from a superficial burn administered as part of the study. The rate of healing was compared to the hostility levels of the couples. The more hostile couples recovered at only 60 percent of the rate of those with lower hostility. These same researchers have been studying emotions and the immune system for many years at Ohio State University. Their studies continue to shed light on the interactive nature of our whole being, and that harmony within each one of us is highly correlated with harmony with others.

Flow Although a component of various worldviews for centuries, Mikaly Csikszentmihalyi has popularized the concept of flow in contemporary thinking. Martin Seligman has said that Dr. Csikszentmihalyi, distinguished professor of psychology at Claremont Graduate University in California, is the real originator of positive psychology, while Dr. Seligman is the voice for positive psychology. Flow, in a sense, is taking emotional resilience to a higher level. It is like emotional resilience in that it calls on similar qualities of personality and character. Flow, however, is far more than resilience—it is the epitome of focus and effort. Flow comes with total immersion in a creative endeavor. It's like Michael Jordan "in the zone," or Mikhail Baryshnikov leaping above the heads of the other dancers—your performance exceeds what you thought was your personal best.

Flow is something that when experienced takes you to a tremendous natural high. All distractions seem to disappear when you are intent on what you are doing. It is not something you can force or regulate, but you can put yourself in a position to invite the flow experience more often. It comes when you are totally focused in a positive way on an endeavor that requires a high degree of skill and is highly challenging. People have experienced flow in learning situations, music, sports, at work, and probably most every human endeavor. When you experience flow, what you are doing, although requiring great effort, feels effortless, as if you are flying. It feels as if you are transported into another state of being. The absorption into the activity is so satisfying that there is no need for some kind of external affirmation or reward. The feeling of flow is intensely rewarding and can be recalled in an instant years after the experience.

Which of the following are characteristics of intimate relationships? (choose all that apply) Frequent relating A lack of emotional availability. Emotional detachment. Strong emotionally supportive bonds Deep feelings of belonging and approval

Frequent relating Strong emotionally supportive bonds Deep feelings of belonging and approval

Which of the following is TRUE about communication patterns between men and women? Generally, men have a more difficult time expressing feelings than women. Generally, women have a more difficult time expressing feelings than men. Men often believe that it is acceptable to show emotion. Men are more likely to share their innermost thoughts. Women tend to be more task-oriented.

Generally, men have a more difficult time expressing feelings than women.

Match the body language with the corresponding communication style: Glaring at someone, tension, anger, tight jaw, or clenched fists Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, hiding, or slouching Calmly looking directly into another's eyes, absence of anger and fidgeting, and showing a positive countenance, a gentle face, possibly smiling

Glaring at someone, tension, anger, tight jaw, or clenched fists AGGRESSIVE Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, hiding, or slouching PASSIVE Calmly looking directly into another's eyes, absence of anger and fidgeting, and showing a positive countenance, a gentle face, possibly smiling ASSERTIVE

LONGER LIFE. The healthy behaviors that you choose to live are also behaviors that contribute to a healthy relationship. Long-term relationships, primarily marriage, are the ones that yield the greatest longevity. There are fewer risks of sexually transmitted diseases, and spouses tend to help protect one another by encouraging each other to live healthy lifestyles. Additional factors are the financial advantages of being married, and married men and women tend to drink less alcohol than single people. Having the connectedness between the couple throughout all the challenges of life helps to counteract loneliness. All of these factors contribute to better health and longevity. Data from the National Center for Health Statistics indicates that regardless of age, sex, race, education, income, or country of birth, married adults are healthier than unmarried adults in all categories (Figure 15). Marriage also results in better care for each other by older couples than their co-habiting peers.

HAPPIER LIFE. Unhappily married couples are more susceptible to heart attacks and cardiovascular disease than happily married couples. Learning to resolve conflict with some degree of warmth expressed will help couples to be healthier. Women in marriages in which there is no warmth expressed while dealing with a conflict are at higher risk for heart problems. Men, on the other hand, were prone to heart problems if control became an issue in the relationship. Happiness is experienced as couples help each other deal with difficult situations. In one study, the wife holding her husband's hand calmed his brain similar to the effect of a pain-relieving drug. Happier married couples hug every day, forgive each other, and stick together on issues rather than taking separate sides. Another important characteristic of happily married couples is never going to sleep still angry with your spouse. Resolve any difficulties before going to sleep. Psychologists continue to agree that married people are the happiest people. More people report that their happiness comes from their marriage more than from money or their career.

Wyatt has learned to be optimistic. Which of the following are characteristics of his optimistic outlook? (choose all that apply) He will be more proactive about getting treatment when he's sick. He will have no more problems. He will cultivate friendships and good relationships. He will isolate himself from others. He will have stronger immunity.

He will be more proactive about getting treatment when he's sick. He will cultivate friendships and good relationships. He will have stronger immunity.

Procrastination can greatly add to the stress in your life. If you've put off doing an assignment or studying for a test, you know exactly how uncomfortable that feels! Try to develop the habit of attending to a detail as soon as it comes to you. Receive a bill and decide immediately when you will pay it, always avoiding a late fee. Receive a request via phone, e-mail, or regular mail and respond to it as soon as possible. When you deal with things in a timely manner, you avoid having to think about them over and over and you only handle them once. When given a range of days to take a test, the ones who take it the first day or so usually score the highest. These students are organized, prepared, and not succumbing to the additional pressures that always come when we procrastinate.

If you are assigning tasks to others or just asking for some assistance, try to give people adequate time to do what is asked. Your lack of planning ahead should not be the cause of a crisis in someone else's life. You can earn the respect of others if you are respectful of their time.

For over 20 years, Dr. James W. Pennebaker has been publishing research concerning physical and mental health problems associated with traumatic experiences. He finds that most people are able to cope quite well with major trauma and do not experience any mental or physical health problems. However, about 30 percent of the population undergoing traumas do experience lifestyle changes such as unhealthy sleeping, eating, exercise, or drinking patterns.

In turn, each of these disruptions in healthy behaviors results in unhealthy biological changes including suppression of the immune system, elevated cortisol levels, and cardiovascular and neurotransmitter changes. Pennebaker and others have found that talking about and writing about traumatic experiences assist individuals to cope more effectively. There is no simple explanation as to why this is the case—it is complex and highly individual when it comes to how people deal with major traumas. However, evidently putting thoughts into words and giving them expression is therapeutic.

AFFILIATIVE TRUST.

Individuals who are strongly motivated to form relationships with others based on unconditional love, rather than frustrated power, have more vigorous immune systems and reduced incidence of illness.

MOVING FORWARD Having completed this chapter, expected outcomes for you include:

It is possible to learn to be a positive person. No one need go through life feeling helpless. Acquire personality traits that will improve your immune system and help keep you healthy. Find your passions and live life abundantly. Give yourself fully to developing your talents and abilities and be a benefit to yourself and others. Strive for quality long-term relationships. Enjoy your relationship within your community and improving the environment. Realize that it takes your whole being to have wholeness and balance in healthy relationships. Give freely to others to find lasting happiness and peace. Discover the joys of relating to a Higher Power or other realities that take you beyond your own cares and concerns.

Stephen Covey has based his best-selling approach to personal development on the maturation continuum. In the maturation continuum, a person grows from dependence to independence to interdependence. As babies we are dependent on others in every dimension of our being—physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, spiritually, and financially. As we mature we begin to grow more independent in each of these areas, and eventually we are able to take care of ourselves rather than relying on others. To become interdependent, we must first be independent. Dependency robs a person of the opportunity to be interdependent. If we mature well, we move from you having to take care of me, to me being able to take care of myself. Eventually, we realize that relationships are vital to our lives, and we think of living life in relation to one another (Figure 16). Living interdependently means that you are able to share with others, find meaning in relation to others, and draw from the abundant resources available to make life rich and full.

It's quite challenging to become independent in every dimension of life. If you are still relying on the acceptance of others to feel good about yourself, then emotionally you are still dependent on others. If someone is solving your problems for you, you are mentally dependent on others. Covey maintains that it takes a good deal of character development to reach independence. The satisfaction of doing this is rewarding in itself, but more importantly, establishes the foundation we need to relate well and become interdependent. Retaining independence alone throughout life is a more selfish or hedonistic way to live, while interdependence facilitates the giving of ourselves to help better the lives of others.

LOWER BLOOD PRESSURE. A study measuring ambulatory blood pressure revealed that lower blood pressure accompanies those marriages that are happy and is not present in those that are unhappy. It is not marriage, per se, but the quality of the marriage. However, marriage still trumps being single when it comes to health. Singles with strong relationships did not fare as well as happily married couples, but they did have lower blood pressure than unhappily married couples.

LESS ANXIETY. Worry or anxiety in a relationship can lead to suspiciousness, impulsiveness, and neediness. The worry may cause individuals to doubt whether the other person really cares about them and, in turn, they are not able to trust their other relationships. The worry may also be behind negative, impulsive actions that undermine the relationship. Neediness is a form of obsessive relating borne by fear of rejection or general worry about the relationship. The clinging behavior accompanying neediness may be suffocating to the other, bringing about more anxiety for both people. An interesting study reported by Acevedo and Aron demonstrated that romantic love can reduce anxiety in long-term relationships. Previous research has indicated that romantic love in a marriage diminishes within a short time. What Acevedo and Aron found was that long-term romance had the intensity, sexual interest, and engagement, but not the obsessive aspect that is typically part of new relationships. Many have also believed that the only long-term love is a form of companionship love devoid of romance. This study challenges that idea, concluding that if the couple only has companionship love without the romance, their marriage will not be as happy.

FEWER DOCTOR'S VISITS AND SHORTER HOSPITAL STAYS. Loving relationships are good for health in a similar way that self-respect is good for health. When you know someone cares for you, you tend to take better care of yourself. Those in the relationship also help care for each other.

LESS DEPRESSION AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Social isolation is linked to higher rates of depression. Recent studies show that within 2 years after high school, if men and women are in a romantic relationship they are less apt to abuse drugs or alcohol. Those not in a relationship were 40 percent more likely to use marijuana. The conclusions were that a healthy, romantic relationship gave the social support that people needed and kept them from an environment in which they tended to drink and use drugs.

Even though technology seems to be connecting us to many people, if the connections are superficial at best, we may feel lonely amid many social contacts. In a 1985 survey, people indicated that, on average, they had three people in whom they could confide. The survey was repeated in 2004 and 25 percent of the respondents said there was no one in whom they could confide. Cacioppo's studies reveal that at any given time, about 20 percent of the population feel unhappily isolated.

Lonely people tend to have higher blood pressure, have poorer nutrition, produce more cortisol, and tend to be more hostile. Loneliness can strike anyone. Studies do not link loneliness to any particular disease. Many who live alone are perfectly happy and have strong social connections with others. If you are expecting a long-term relationship to protect you from loneliness, that may not be the case. It is healthy to view loneliness as a trigger and then respond in a way that results in quality social connections.

A Prayer for Well-Being St. Francis of Assisi lived in the 1100 and 1200s. He rejected material wealth and took on a life of poverty. This famous prayer attributed to him has lasted for centuries and is a source of encouragement and healthy relating for many people:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy; O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. This prayer emphasizes the giving of love. The balance of the giving and the receiving of love is the crux of healthy relationships. Being drawn to something higher than ourselves could help us all to fashion a healthier and more peaceful world.

Another common problem is putting everything being said in the context of our own experience, again thinking about ourselves more than thinking about the person to whom we are supposedly listening. When we do this we often give a response that reflects our experience, for example, "Oh, yes, when that happened to me, I...." Then we launch into an explanation about our experiences, and the person to whom we are talking wonders "How did we end up here?" In the meantime, that person may feel as if the one to whom he or she is talking is not listening at all, or doesn't even care about what is being said. This attitude reflects on the relationship, which may end up being quite shallow.

Over the years, parents or others who are sincerely trying to be better listeners have employed many listening techniques. One notorious technique teaches a person to parrot back to the one speaking what they have been saying as an indication that they are listening. We say "notorious" because many frustrated children have had to put up with parents using this technique—you may have been one of them! This technique is frustrating because it's annoying to have what you have just said repeated without any additional input. It is also annoying because it is clear that a technique is being employed rather than experiencing an interaction with a person who is genuinely compassionate and caring. Of course, this goes for any relationship and not just parent to child. Sometimes it may be helpful to repeat something the person has said. The point is that we can adopt listening skills, thus improving our ability to listen, but the listening skills or techniques should always be secondary or supportive of our efforts. The technique must not become a substitute for conscientious concern or attention. Is there room for improvement in your ability to listen?

Sexual Intimacy Sexual relations can build a bond between two people when they exclusively share in this way. Most adults, about 90 percent, seek after and are in a long-term committed romantic relationship. In such a relationship, psychologists distinguish between two types of love—passionate love and companionate love. Euphoria, intimacy, and intense sexual attraction characterize passionate love. Companionate love is characterized by affection, trust, and genuine concern for the well-being of the other, even putting their interests above one's own. The ideal long-term romantic relationship involves both types of love.

Passionate love may be very intense initially, but that intensity may be rather short-lived—only a few months. However, companionate love endures and can grow stronger over the many years of the relationship. Affection is always a part of companionate love but will be experienced in the context of trust and the bond developed over years. When selfishness is put aside and the well-being of your loved one is your central concern, companionate love can be one of the most satisfying and joyful experiences of life.

Match the definition to the word. Passiveness Integrity Aggressiveness Trust Assertiveness

Passiveness - Failure to express honest feelings; tendency to "Stuff" emotions Integrity - Authentic, without pretense, sincere, taking responsibility for feelings and actions Aggressiveness - Bullying behavior, not based on respect for self or others Trust - To rely on the integrity of a person and have confidence in them Assertiveness - A communication style based on respect on self and others in which feelings and thoughts are expressed honestly and forthrightly.

HEALTHY HELPING.

People committed to helping others (altruism) discover they personally receive a "helper's high" that is not only mental and spiritual, but physical as well. These individuals, displaying the personality trait of altruism, suffer fewer illnesses than those who are not similarly motivated or engaged (Figure 4).

ASSERTIVENESS.

People who assert their needs and feelings have stronger, more balanced immune responses. They more readily resist and overcome a range of diseases associated with dysfunctional immunity, from rheumatoid arthritis to AIDS. Dr. George F. Solomon has found immune power connections to other traits as well, including the ability to find meaning in stressful life circumstances.

SELF-COMPLEXITY.

People who explore many facets of their personalities (called self-aspects) can better withstand stressful life circumstances. People with many self-aspects were less prone to stress, depression, physical symptoms, and bouts of flu and other illnesses in the wake of stressful life events. They also had higher self-esteem and have strengths to fall back on when part of them is lost or wounded.

Someone once said that integrity is not thinking poorly of yourself. In math, you study integers, which are whole numbers, not including a fractional part. The Latin root of the word integer means untouched or complete. If we act with integrity, we are true to our values and not duplicitous or deceitful. We cannot be divided against ourselves. We do what we say we are going to do. The virtue of integrity leads to trust in relationships. Trust is one of the greatest aspects of relating that you can enjoy. The mental and emotional peace that comes with trust may be an underlying component contributing to health as much as any of our healthy lifestyle behaviors.

Professor Doug Oman with the School of Public Health at the University of California, Berkeley, and colleagues from Santa Clara University and Stanford University, published an article promoting college courses for stress management and spiritual growth. The justification for proposing such a course is because of growing evidence of the health benefits of increased spirituality that incorporates high levels of trust and integrity. Attempts to foster integrity and trust in our behavior clearly enhance wellness.

All of the following are components of healthy listening EXCEPT Appropriate physical touch Putting everything being said in the context of your own experience Showing focus and attention Allowing time for the person to talk about his or her concerns and feelings Empathy for the other's feelings

Putting everything being said in the context of your own experience

Three basic classifications of causes and resulting consequences were identified:

STABLE: The cause is going to last forever; results in long-lasting helplessness. GLOBAL: The cause is going to affect everything rather than some specific thing; results in a general, rather than specific, helplessness. INTERNAL: The cause is me rather than some external cause; results in helplessness and poor self-esteem. These observations led Seligman to conclude that individuals have a personality characteristic of the explanatory or attributional style. If people give stable and global explanations for causes, they are at risk of failure to respond—in other words, learned helplessness. If people blame themselves, they are prone to a poor sense of self and learned helplessness. With the introduction of this rational aspect of human behavior—that a person can analyze the causes of these uncontrollable events—Seligman began thinking that the opposite was possible. If one can learn helplessness, then why is it not possible to learn optimism? The earlier experimental research into learned helplessness set the foundation for his new direction into positive psychology.

By overcoming the negative behaviors associated with feeling helpless and pessimistic, and learning to be optimistic, an individual will be on the way to complete mindbody wellness in four important ways:

STRONGER IMMUNITY. Optimism improves health throughout your life by strengthening the immune system. ACTIONS THAT REDUCE ILLNESS. Optimists are proactive and are more likely to take action that will prevent illness or get treatment when they are sick or hurt. REDUCE RISK OF BAD EVENTS. Optimists will also do things that will help them avoid bad experiences, when possible. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. Social support is linked to better health. "Sustained friendships and love are important for physical health." Optimists will tend to cultivate friendships and good relationships, whereas pessimists may tend to isolate themselves from others (Figure 3).We now move on from discussing these explanatory styles of optimism and pessimism to an understanding of the immune power personality. Keep in mind that Seligman emphasized that optimists are "unfazed by defeat. Confronted by a bad situation, they perceive it as a challenge and try harder."

The report also suggests ways to help you prepare for a flow experience: Discover new things about your abilities and aim to surprise yourself. Choose an activity in which you have new feelings and insights and allow them to flow without interfering. Pay attention to your bodily sensations and posture. Accept that physical symptoms of nervousness will ease off as you continue. Focus on what you want and don't let mistakes be distracting. Try to involve others. Keep a good sense of humor.

This kind of experience is not limited to elite performers, although it does require a great deal of focus and concentration. It comes with intense effort and motivation on your part. Flow is not going to come to a couch potato. These are experiences that accompany extra effort that are worth more than money can give. Flow is one expression of the joy that comes with living life to its fullest.

Learned Optimism

Seligman discovered that the explanatory style of an individual as described above is the main determinant of whether a person will be optimistic or pessimistic. Pessimists blame themselves for negative experiences and think they affect everything and last a long time. By gaining learned optimism, optimists see problems in a clearer perspective as events that occur but can be resolved. Optimists tend not to blame themselves but see the problem in an objective manner and work to solve the problem. Optimists actually see the problem as a challenge and are motivated to deal with it rather than feel defeated by the problem. The two groups approach life difficulties with completely opposite viewpoints (Figure 2). It isn't too hard to realize which approach is the healthier one!

These immune power personality traits point us to a dynamic perspective for life. They are all attitudes, behaviors, styles, and traits that can be learned. What characteristics did you find that correlate with learned optimism? If you find that you desire to incorporate more optimism in your daily life,

Seligman has four evidence-based chapters devoted to making this change in his latest edition of Learned Optimism. Being optimistic will also go a long way to helping you adopt the seven immune power personality traits that will strengthen your ability to relate to others in a healthy manner.

Are You in an Abusive Relationship? Everyone deserves to be in healthy relationships, and no one ever deserves to be abused. Listen to loved ones who are warning you that you are getting involved in a relationship that is not good for you. Be especially wise early in the relationship before you get emotionally entrenched, which is often a time when people do not use good judgment (Figure 17).

Some warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship are: Possessiveness or jealousy. Worry about how the other will react to what you do or say. Pressures on you to behave in ways you do not want, especially sexually. Being embarrassed or humiliated by the other via demeaning behavior. Having difficulty ending the relationship.

Everyone has talents. Some may be quite adept at sports, music, or art. Others are naturals at sales or have a charisma that helps them to be influential with others. No matter what natural gifts one has or has not, everyone has abilities that can be developed. Research maintains that if we more fully develop our capacities, we put ourselves in a position to form healthy relationships and retain health and well-being, especially in difficult times. Having a more solid foundation will minimize vulnerability. The important thing is to do the best we can with what we have. A sense of contentment while we are striving will help us keep from overachieving or underachieving.

Such contentment also diminishes the temptation to compare oneself to others. The contentment within yourself will also help others to foster similar feelings toward you. Competitiveness is fine in sports but deadly in relationships. Research shows that cooperation trumps competitiveness when it comes to personal relating and in work relationships. While relating, competitiveness leads to manipulative behavior. This inevitably leads to discomfort and disgruntled feelings.

One of our significant relationships and one that we are in good position to make positive is our relationship with the environment. Today, more than ever, people are experiencing a growing awareness of the natural connection between the wellness of a community and the wellness of the environment. Green exercise is basically any physical activity that takes place in nature such as gardening, hiking, boating, horseback riding, and kite flying. Many studies over the years have documented the physical and mental health benefits of green exercise and physical activity (Figure 13). Researchers in the United Kingdom found that just 5 minutes of activity in nature resulted in improved mood and mental health.

The British Trust for Conservation Volunteers (BTCV) and Oxford University professor Dr. William Bird worked together to formulate Green Gyms. The purpose of Green Gyms is to not only give people the benefits of being active in nature, but to improve the community and the environment at the same time. It's like a Peace Corps for the environment. Participants work together for 1-4 hours digging, planting, clearing brush, and creating trails. Any number of conservation activities could be done that are within the strength and skill level of those taking part. Green Gyms are expanding rapidly beyond the United Kingdom. In Seattle, Adam Boesel has developed a green microgym similar to a human energy-generating gym in Hong Kong. He connected spinning bikes to wind generator motors, which allows the cyclists to generate electricity to power the gym.

Conflict in relationships is certainly not desirable, but it is not necessarily all bad either. If you are walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, you may also be avoiding potential growth. Constructive criticism—with emphasis on constructive—may help you to better understand your own behavior. A conflict between two people may produce a similar result. With greater understanding between you, the relationship may even be strengthened by the efforts you put forth to resolve your differences (Figure 9).

The interest-based relational approach (IBR) to resolving conflict arises out of healthy interdependence. A starting point in trying to resolve a conflict is to put your relationship and your respect for one another first. Establish the facts surrounding the conflict and try to understand why it has occurred. Listen to the other person before trying to defend your own position. Most importantly, be sure to keep behavior separate from the individual. The person is an individual apart from his or her behavior. Then the focus is on the problem and off the individual, reducing possible erosion of your relationship while dealing with the conflict. Once you have established a healthy perspective on the issue you can work to an effective resolution.

Optimism as a Characteristic for Success Linking the explanatory style to what one attributes as the cause of an event to positive thinking, the explanatory-style theory says that successful people have three important characteristics: aptitude, motivation, optimism. An interesting twist is that Seligman sees some value in pessimism. He maintains that pessimism can keep individuals from moving forward optimistically when realistically there would be too many downside risks. However, for the most part, pessimism is negative and results in poor health and depression. Seligman sees pessimism coming from learned helplessness. He believes that most depression is not only biochemical but also a result of the person feeling unable to respond positively to challenges, or in other words, learned helplessness.

This move in his research from the negative to the positive led Dr. Seligman to develop a new branch of scientific psychology called positive psychology. The main premise is that positive psychology "studies the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive." Historically, psychology has been devoted to understanding mental illness. Positive psychology focuses on mental wellness.

Trust:

To rely on the integrity of a person and have confidence in them.

It is healthy to view loneliness as a (Choose the best answer.) personality trait. personal failure. trigger. long-term condition. blessing.

Trigger

T/F: Hardiness has become the standard of an emotionally resilient personality. True False

True

T/F: The efforts you put forth to resolve differences may strengthen your relationships. True False

True