chapter 9 ipc

Own your feelings, thoughts, and issues

"I feel angry when you are late" instead of "You make me angry with your lateness." It's also important to own your thoughts and your issues." The issue is yours, so you should own it by saying, "I am uncomfortable with how messy this place is.

Look for ways to preserve the other's face

Face In Japan and some other Asian cultures, face is a central concept. Your face is the image of yourself that you want others to see and believe Protecting others' faces is part of managing conflict effectively

Defining Interpersonal ConflictWhat is interpersonal conflict?

When people in "I-You" or "I-Thou" relationships have different views, interests, or goals and feel a need to resolve those differences

The exit response

involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing. Refusing to talk about a problem is an example of psychological exit. Ending a relationship, or leaving when conflict arises are both examples of literal exit. People who have a lose-lose orientation assume that nobody can benefit if conflict takes place, so they see no point in engaging in conflict and prefer to avoid it. The win-lose orientation may promote the exit response. People who see conflicts as win-lose situations may exit physically or psychologically if they think they are losing an argument.

The felt need for resolution:

Conflict is more than just having differences. We differ with people about many things, but this doesn't invariably lead to conflict. Conflict involves tensions between goals, preferences, or decisions that we feel we need to reconcile. conflict involves two perceptions: the perception that our concerns are at odds with those of another person, and the perception that we and that other person must resolve our differences.

Principles of Conflict (5 Principle)

Conflict is natural in relationships, Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly,Social groups share the meaning of conflict behaviors,Conflict can be managed well or poorly,Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

Constructive Communication Patterns During Conflict

Constructive communication during conflict creates a supportive, positive climate that increases the possibility of resolving differences without harming the relationship

Constructive Communication Patterns During Conflict: The later stages

Contracting: building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals.

Responses to Conflict

The exit response The neglect response The loyalty response The voice response

Aim for win-win conflict:

To maximize the chance of a win-win conflict resolution, begin by identifying your feelings and your needs or desires in the situation. The second step is to figure out what the other person feels, needs, and wants. Third, focus on language that promotes cooperation and mutual respect. Finally, keep reminding yourself that win-win solutions are most likely when both people balance concern for themselves and concern for each other.

Cross-complaining

either person is allowed to develop thoughts fully (or even to finish a sentence), discussion never focuses on any one topic long enough to make headway in resolving it.

Look for points of agreement

Although we should acknowledge and deal with real differences, we should also look for points of agreement. If we are looking for common ground, we can usually find it. When we do, we're likely to deal with conflict effectively without harming the relationship.

Conflict Management Skills

Attend to the relationship level of meaning, Communicate supportively, Listen mindfully, Own your feelings, thoughts, and issues, Check perceptions, Look for points of agreement, Look for ways to preserve the other's face, Imagine how you will feel in the future

Imagine how you will feel in the future

Before you say anything, you imagine how you would feel tomorrow or next week or next year if you launched a scathing attack on your friend. Taking a moment to imagine yourself after the conflict ends can help you choose to communicate in ways that are ethical, that foster self-respect, and that support the continuation of the relationship.

Unproductive Communication Patterns During Conflict: The early stages

Communication that fails to confirm individuals: During the early stages of conflict, people tend to listen poorly. They may listen selectively, taking in only what they expect or want to believe. They may communicate disdain nonverbally. Cross-complaining: occurs when one person's complaint is met by a counter complaint. the response that doesn't address one's concern; instead it is an attempt to divert the conversation and to switch the fault from one person to another Negative climate and mind reading: Mind reading in distressed relationships has a distinctly negative tone. The negative assumptions and attributions reflect and fuel hostility and mistrust.

Constructive Communication Patterns During Conflict: early stages

Communicators confirm each other by recognizing and acknowledging each other's concerns and feelings Climate, which is the foundation both of conflict and of the overall relationship, sets the tone for communication during conflict. Once a supportive climate is established, the couple can proceed to the middle stages of conflict knowing they are not fighting each other but working together to solve a problem.

Unproductive Communication Patterns During Conflict: The later stages

Counterproposals and Excessive miscommunication

Unproductive Communication Patterns During Conflict

Kitchen-sinking: in which everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument. They can't solve all the problems they've dragged into the discussion, and they may well forget what the original issue was. Frequent interruptions disrupt the flow of talk: Cross-complaining often continues in this middle stage of the syndrome. Because neither person is allowed to develop thoughts fully (or even to finish a sentence), discussion never focuses on any one topic long enough to make headway in resolving it.

Listen mindfully

Even when you disagree with someone's thoughts, actions, goals, or values, you should show respect for the person by paying attention and seeking to understand him or her.

3 types of interpersonal conflicts

Express disagreement, interdependence and the felt of need for resolution

Time conflict purposefully:

First, try not to engage in serious conflict discussions at times when one or both people will not be fully present psychologically. It's also considerate and constructive to deal with conflict when each person is ready to talk constructively about a problem. Constructive, healthy conflict communication is more likely when tempers aren't flaring. A third use of chronemics to promote positive conflict is bracketing

Attend to the relationship level of meaning

Focusing on the content level of meaning is understandable, but it's not enough, because it neglects a major dimension of communication. It's equally important to monitor the relationship level of your own communication. During conflict, it's critical to think carefully about relationship-level messages and meanings.

Show grace when appropriate:

Grace is granting forgiveness or putting aside our own needs when there is no standard that says we should or must do so. Grace is not the same thing as forgiving because social norms indicate we should. grace isn't allowing others to have their way when we have no choice. Instead, grace is unearned, unrequired kindness. Grace involves letting go of anger, blame, and judgments about another and what she or he did. Grace is not always appropriate. People can take advantage of grace and kindness. Some people repeatedly abuse and hurt others, confident that pardons will be granted.

Unproductive Communication Patterns During Conflict

Ineffective communication can hurt individuals, damage relationships, and undermine the possibility of resolving problems. Unproductive communication patterns in managing conflict reflect a preoccupation with oneself and a disregard for the other.

Interdependence:

Interpersonal conflict can occur only between people who perceive themselves as interdependent at the time of the conflict. Interpersonal conflict exists only when it is expressed by people who have some degree of interdependence at a particular time.

Communicate supportively

Monitor your communication to ensure that it encourages a supportive climate that is likely to build a win-win approach to conflict. supportive interpersonal climates are cultivated by communication that is descriptive, provisional, spontaneous, problem oriented, empathic, and egalitarian. In conflict situations, we may be especially likely to engage in communication that fosters defensiveness and reduces the possibilities for resolving the conflict and sustaining the relationship.

Social groups share the meaning of conflict behaviors:

Our cultural membership and socialization in particular social communities affect how we view and respond to conflict. Mainstream culture in the United States emphasizes assertiveness and individuality, so many Westerners are competitive and reluctant to give in to others. In more communal societies, people have less individualistic perspectives and are less likely to focus on winning conflicts Our orientations toward conflict are influenced not only by culture but also by social communities. Specific communities such as Amish and Quakers within Western culture regard conflict as harmful. In addition, gender, sexual orientation, and race/ethnicity may influence orientations toward conflict.

Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly:

Overt conflict is out in the open and explicit. It exists when people deal with their differences in a direct, straightforward manner. Overt conflict can also involve physical attacks, although of course that's neither healthy nor constructive. conflict isn't always overt. Covert conflict exists when people express their feelings about disagreements indirectly. A common form of covert conflict is passive aggression, which is acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting aggressive. Passive aggression punishes another person without accepting responsibility for the punishment. It undercuts the possibility of honest, healthy relationships. Much covert conflict takes place through games, highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing Games and passive aggression are dishonest, ineffective ways to manage conflict. They are dishonest because they camouflage the real issues. They are ineffective because, as long as conflict remains hidden or disguised, it's almost impossible for people to recognize and resolve it.

Conflict can be managed well or poorly

People respond to conflict in a variety of ways, from physical attack to verbal aggression to collaborative problem solving. Depending on how we handle disagreements, conflict can either promote continuing closeness or tear a relationship apart. One of the main reasons conflict is handled poorly is that it often involves intense feelings, which many people do not know how to identify or express. We may feel deep disappointment, resentment, or anger toward someone we care about, and this is difficult to manage.

Counterproposals:

The self-preoccupation that first surfaced in the early phase persists now, so each person is more interested in pushing his or her solution than in considering the other person's. Compounding self-preoccupation is self-summarizing, which occurs when a person keeps repeating what she or he has already said. This egocentric communication ignores the other person and simply restates the speaker's feelings and perspective.

Summary of constructive and unproductive communication

Specific differences between unproductive and productive conflict can be summarized as the difference between confirming and disconfirming communication. Communication that is characteristic of unproductive conflict disconfirms both individuals and the relationship, whereas the communication in constructive conflict consistently confirms both people and the relationship.

Constructive Communication Patterns During Conflict: The middle stages

Stay focused on main issues (agenda building): When partners keep communication on target, kitchen-sinking is unlikely to derail discussion. Bracketing: which is noting that an issue arising in the course of conflict should be discussed later. Bracketing allows partners to confirm each other's concerns by agreeing to deal with them later. Don't interrupt except for clarification: Those that clarify ideas and check perceptions confirm the person speaking by showing that the listener wants to understand the meaning. Recognize and acknowledge each other's point of view: Rather than cross-complaining, they acknowledge each other's feelings, thoughts, and concerns

Excessive miscommunication

Unproductive communication fosters a defensive, negative climate, which makes it almost impossible to resolve conflicts, confirm individuals, or nurture a relationship.

Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

When managed constructively, conflict provides opportunities for us to grow as individuals and to strengthen our relationships. Conflict also allows us to consider points of view different from our own. Based on what we learn, we may change our own views. Conflict can also enhance relationships by enlarging partners' understandings of one another.

Conflict is natural in relationships:

When people matter to each other and affect each other, disagreements are unavoidable. The presence of conflict does not indicate that a relationship is unhealthy or in trouble, although how partners manage conflict does influence relational health. some of us were taught that conflict is bad and should be avoided, whereas others learned that airing differences is healthy.

Check perceptions

You may see another person's position as more extreme than it is; you may think someone is immature or unreasonable; you may be inclined to engage in self-serving bias Checking perceptions is particularly important in online communication.

The voice response

addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it. People who respond with voice identify problems or tensions and assert a desire to deal with them. Voice implies that people care enough about a relationship to notice when something is wrong and do something to improve the situation. The voice response is most likely to be fostered by a win-win orientation toward conflict. It takes belief in yourself and in the other person to give voice to problems and disagreements. Voicing concerns also expresses belief in the relationship.

Focus on the overall communication system:

conflict is part of a larger whole, and we must make that whole healthy to create a context in which conflict can be resolved without jeopardizing partners or relationships. Keep in mind that conflict always has implications for three parties: you, another person, and the relationship between the two of you. Healthy conflict communication honors all three.

Expressed disagreement:

conflicts exist only if disagreements or tensions are expressed. We can express disagreement by saying it "I'm angry with you!" or indirectly like not answering the phone.

The neglect response

denies or minimizes problems, disagreements, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to overt conflict. People engaging in neglect say, "There isn't a disagreement here" Neglect generally is destructive because it doesn't resolve tension. It is passive because it avoids discussion The lose-lose and win-lose orientations may prompt the neglect response for the same reasons that each of those orientations is associated with the exit response. Either the person thinks that escalating the disagreement will harm everyone, or the person thinks that she or he will lose if the conflict is allowed to progress.

Kitchen-sinking

in which everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument. They can't solve all the problems they've dragged into the discussion, and they may well forget what the original issue was.

The loyalty response

involves staying committed to a relationship despite differences. In other words, the person who adopts loyalty as a response to conflict decides to stay in a relationship and tolerate the differences. Loyalty is silent allegiance that doesn't actively address conflict, so it is a passive response. Because it preserves the relationship, loyalty may be constructive, at least in the short term. a lose-lose orientation toward conflict. Believing that engaging in overt disagreement only hurts everyone, people may choose to remain loyal to the relationship and not try to work through differences.

Lose-Lose

orientation assumes that conflict results in losses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for relationships. Although the lose-lose orientation is not usually beneficial in dealing with conflicts in close relationships, it has merit in some circumstances. Some issues—for example, where to go for dinner—aren't worth the energy and the discomfort that conflict arouses.

Win-Lose

orientations assume that one person wins at the expense of the other. A person who sees conflict as a win-lose matter thinks that disagreements are battles that can have only one victor. A win-lose approach to conflict is not common in cultures that place priority on cooperation, keeping others from failing, and finding areas of agreement. A win-lose approach can be appropriate when we have a high desire for our position to prevail, low commitment to a relationship, and little desire to take care of the person with whom we disagree.

Win-Win

orientations assume that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains. A good solution is one that everyone finds satisfactory. When all people are committed to finding a mutually acceptable solution, win-win attitudes result in compromises that satisfy enough of each person's needs to provide confirmation and to protect the health of the relationship.

Honor yourself, your partner, and the relationship:

we must remember that relationships are affected by how we handle conflict