COMM 245 Final Exam

5 Languages of Love

1. Affirming words: Written or oral compliments, support, and expressions of valuing another communicate love. 2. Quality time: Being mindfully present with another and giving another your total attention for an extended amount of time are loving behaviors. 3. Gifts: Small or large, expensive or not, gifts are tokens of affection and thoughtfulness. 4. Service: Doing chores or unrequested favors such as tuning up a car tells another that you care about him or her. 5. Touch: Physical contact, sexual or otherwise, is an important way of expressing affection and intimacy.

4 Guidelines for communicating in committed romantic relationships

1. Engage in Dual Perspective 2. Practice Safer Sex 3. Manage Conflict Constructively 4. Adapt Communication to Maintain Long-Distance Relationships

storge

A comfortable, friendly kind of love, often likened to friendship. One of the three primary styles of loving.

Definition of Self

A constantly evolving, processual understanding of oneself that grows out of the processes of interacting with others and society and internalizing values and views of our identity that others reflect to us.

relational culture

A private world of rules, understandings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create to give meaning to their relationship; the nucleus of intimacy.

agape

A secondary style of loving that is selfless and based on giving to others, not on receiving rewards or returns from them. A blend of eros and storge.

Kitchen sinking

An unproductive form of conflict communication in which "everything but the kitchen sink"—irrelevant reasons, insults, and excuses—is thrown into the argument.

relationship rules

Guidelines that friends or romantic partners have for their relationships. Usually, relationship rules are tacit, not explicit, understandings.

Development of romantic relationships

Like friendships, romantic relationships tend to follow a developmental course. In other words, we have to move beyond the surface of another person to know him or her well enough to develop an I-Thou relationship. In more collectivist cultures, however, the American tendency to bare one's soul to intimates is not culturally valued or expected. Investigations show that Westerners typically perceive romantic relationships as evolving through three broad phases: growth, navigation, and deterioration.

Navigation

Navigation is the ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs, and pleasant and unpleasant surprises.

Deterioration

Not all committed relationships last. Nearly half of first marriages end within 20 years (CDC, 2015). Some relationships end abruptly. A person moves out or dies. Most relationships that have reached the level of commitment, however, deteriorate through a series of five-stage sequence: intrapsychic processes, dyadic processes, social support, grave-dressing processes, and resurrection processes. First, there are intrapsychic processes, during which one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the relationship and to focus their thoughts on its problems or shortcomings. If not reversed, the intrapsychic phase generally leads to dyadic processes, which involve the breakdown of established patterns, rules, and rituals that make up the relational culture. Social support is a phase in which partners look to friends and family for support. Partners may give self-serving accounts of the breakup to save face and to secure sympathy and support from others. Grave-dressing processes involve burying the relationship and accepting its end. During grave dressing, we work to make sense of the relationship: what it meant, why it failed, and how it affected us. The final part of relationship deterioration involves resurrection processes, during which the two people move on with their lives without the other as an intimate- single again.

ludus

One of the three primary styles of love, in which the goal is not commitment but to have fun at love as a game or a series of challenges and maneuvers.

eros

One of the three primary styles of loving, a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically.

intimacy

One of three dimensions of enduring, committed romantic relationships. Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connection, and tenderness between lovers.

mania

Passionate, sometimes obsessive love that includes emotional extremes. One of the three secondary styles of love; made up of eros and ludus.

pragma

Pragmatic or practical love. One of the secondary styles of loving, pragma is a blend of storge and ludus.

Growth

Researchers have identified six growth stages through which romance typically, but not always, progresses. The first is individuality: each of us is an individual with particular needs, goals, love styles, perceptual tendencies, and qualities that affect what we look for in relationships. The second growth stage is invitational communication, in which people signal that they are interested in interacting; during this stage they also respond to invitations from others. Explorational communication is the third stage in the escalation of romance, and it focuses on learning about each other. In this stage, people fish for common interests and grounds for interaction: "Where have you traveled?" The fourth growth stage is intensifying communication, which my students nicknamed euphoria to emphasize its intensity and happiness. Revising communication, although not a stage in the development of all romantic relationships, is important when it does occur. During this stage, partners come out of the clouds to look at their relationship more realistically. Problems are recognized, and partners evaluate whether they want to work through them. The final growth stage is commitment, which is the decision to stay with the relationship.

placemaking

The process of creating a physical environment that is comfortable and reflects one's values, experiences, and tastes. Physical environment is part of relational culture, which is the nucleus of intimacy.

3 primary styles of love

The three primary styles of love are eros, storge, and ludus

Secondary styles of love

The three secondary styles of love are pragma, mania, and agape.

Equity theory

is fairness, based on the perception that both people invest equally in a relationship and benefit similarly from their investments. Equity theory states that whether a relationship is satisfying and enduring depends on whether the people in it perceive the relationship as relatively equitable over time. In other words, people are generally satisfied if they are in relationships with people who, over the course of time, contribute about as much as they do to the aspects of family life that matter to them.

Conflict responses

According to this model, responses to conflict can be either active or passive, depending on how overtly they address problems. Responses can also be constructive or destructive in their capacity to resolve tension and to preserve relationships.

5 Guidelines for creating and sustaining healthy climates

1. Actively Use Communication to Build Confirming Climates 2. Accept and Confirm Others 3. Affirm and Assert Yourself 4. Respect Diversity in Relationships 5. Respond Constructively to Criticism

8 Conflict management skills

1. Attend to the Relationship Level of Meaning 2. Communicate Supportively 3. Listen Mindfully 4. Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Issues 5. Check Perceptions 6. Look for Points of Agreement 7. Look for Ways to Preserve the Other's Face 8. Imagine How You'll Feel in the Future

Emotional intelligence qualities

1. Being aware of your feelings 2. Dealing with emotions without being overcome by them 3. Not letting setbacks and disappointments derail you 4. Channeling your feelings to assist you in achieving your goals 5. Being able to understand how others feel without their spelling it out 6. Listening to your feelings and those of others so you can learn from them 7. Recognizing social norms for expression of emotions 8. Having a strong yet realistic sense of optimism

4 guidelines for communicating between friends

1. Engage in Dual Perspective 2. Communicate Honestly 3. Grow from Differences 4. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

6 Guidelines for "communicating emotions effectively"

1. Identify your emotions. 2. Choose how to communicate your emotions. 3. Own your feelings. 4. Monitor your self-talk. 5. Adopt a rational-emotive approach to emotions. 6. Respond sensitively when others communicate emotions.

5 Guidelines for Improving Self-Concept

1. Make a Firm Commitment to Personal Growth 2. Gain and Use Knowledge to Support Personal Growth 3. Self-Disclose When Appropriate 4. Set Goals That Are Realistic and Fair 5. Seek Contexts That Support Personal Change

5 expectations of friends and friendships

1. Willingness to Invest 2. Emotional Closeness 3. Acceptance 4. Trust 5. Support

Commitment

A decision to remain with a relationship. One of three dimensions of enduring romantic relationships, commitment has greater influence on relationship continuity than does love alone. Also refers to an advanced stage in the escalation of a romantic relationship.

commitment

A decision to remain with a relationship. One of three dimensions of enduring romantic relationships, commitment has greater influence on relationship continuity than does love alone. Also refers to an advanced stage in the escalation of a romantic relationship.

Identity scripts

A guide to action based on rules for living and identity. Initially communicated in families, identity scripts define our roles, how we are to play them, and basic elements in the plots of our lives. Not the same as a script, which is one of the four cognitive schemata.

trust

A key component of close friendships is trust, which has two dimensions. First, trust involves confidence that others will be dependable. We count on them to do what they say they'll do and not to do what they promise they won't. Second, trust is rooted in the belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare. We count on friends to look out for us and to want the best for us. When we believe that both dimensions of trust are present, we feel safe sharing private information with friends and secure in the knowledge that they will not hurt us. Interestingly, both women and men judge a friend more harshly for betraying a confidence if that friend is female.

fearful attachment style

A mode of relating instilled by a caregiver in the first relationship (usually parent-child) who communicates to the child in consistently negative, rejecting, or even abusive ways. People with fearful attachment styles are inclined to feel apprehensive and insecure about relationships.

dismissive attachment style

A mode of relating instilled typically early in life by a disinterested, rejecting, or abusive caregiver, in which the individual later tends to dismiss others as unworthy and thus does not seek close relationships. Unlike people with fearful attachment styles, those with a dismissive style do not accept the caregiver's view of them as unlovable.

secure attachment style

A mode of relating that involves confidence in oneself and in relationships. Like other attachment styles, the secure mode is instilled by a caregiver who responds in a consistently attentive, loving way to a child; the most common and most positive of the four attachment styles. People with secure attachment styles tend to be comfortable forming close bonds with others.

anxious/ambivalent attachment style

A mode of relating/attachment style characterized by preoccupation with relationships and inconsistent behavior toward the partner. Develops in childhood when a caregiver behaves inconsistently toward a child, sometimes loving and sometimes rejecting or neglectful.

Attachment styles (secure, dismissive, fearful, anxious/ambivalent)

A pattern of relating instilled by the way a caregiver teaches the child who he or she is, who others are, and how to approach relationships.

closeness through doing

A second way to create and express closeness is by sharing activities. Friends enjoy doing things together and doing things for one another. Closeness through doing often is the primary, but not the only, emphasis in men's friendships. Given the focus on doing things together, it's not surprising that male friends tend to engage in fewer verbal emotional disclosures and focus more on shared activities than female friends or male and female friends.

Define committed romantic relationships

A voluntary relationship between individuals who assume they will be primary and continuing parts of each other's life. Committed romantic relationships include three dimensions: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Relationship dialectics: Autonomy/Connection

All of us experience tension between the desire to be autonomous, or independent, and the desire to be close, or connected, to others. Relationship counselors agree that the most central and continuous friction in most close relationships arises from the opposing needs for autonomy and for connection. Both autonomy and closeness are natural human needs. The challenge is to preserve individuality while also nurturing connection in a relationship.

development of friendships (nascent, stabilized, waning)

Although intense bonds sometimes are formed quickly, the majority of friendships evolve through a series of stages that involve progressive investments. Although not every friendship follows exactly the same evolution, the general trajectory describes most Western friendships.

Win-win

An orientation toward conflict that assumes that everyone can win, or benefit, from engaging in conflict and that it is possible to generate resolutions that satisfy everyone.

Lose-lose

An orientation toward conflict that assumes that nobody can win and everyone loses from engaging in conflict.

Win-lose

An orientation toward conflict that assumes that one person wins at the expense of another person.

Stabilized

As friendships become stabilized, they are often integrated into the larger contexts of each friend's social networks; A close friendship is unlikely to stabilize until there is a mutually high level of trust.

Mind reading

Assuming that we understand what another person thinks or how another person perceives something. Often a harmful practice, because mind reading denies the other person the chance to explain their own thoughts or feelings.

Nascent

At this point, friends begin to work out their private rules for interacting; friends are working out rules for their relationship, often they aren't aware of the rules until later. The milestones of this stage are that people begin to think of themselves as friends and to work out their own patterns for interaction.

Trust

Belief in another's reliability (that he or she will do what is promised) and emotional reliance on the other to care about and protect our welfare; the belief that our private information is safe with the other person.

Contracting

Building a solution through negotiation and acceptance of parts of proposals for resolution. Contracting usually is present in the later stages of constructive conflict.

Voice

Communicating about differences, tensions, and disagreements. One of the four responses to conflict, the voice response is active and can be constructive for people and relationships.

Superiority vs. Equality

Communication that conveys superiority says, "I'm better." Understandably, we feel disconfirmed when people act as if they are better than we are. Consider several messages that convey superiority: "I know a lot more about this than you," "If you had my experience, you wouldn't suggest that," "You really should go to my hairstylist." Each of these messages clearly says, "You aren't as good (smart, savvy, stylish) as I am." Predictably, the result is that we protect our self-esteem by closing up around people who belittle us. Communication that conveys equality fosters a confirming communication climate. We feel more relaxed and comfortable communicating with people who treat us as equals. Creating a climate of equality allows everyone to participate without fear of being judged inadequate.

Direct definition

Communication that explicitly tells us who we are by specifically labeling us and reacting to our behaviors. Usually first occurs in families, then in interaction with peers and others.

Social comparison

Comparing ourselves with others in order to form judgments of our own talents, abilities, qualities, and so forth.

Ineffective expression of emotions:

Counterfeit emotional language: Communication that seems to express feelings but doesn't actually describe what a person is feeling. "Why can't you leave me alone?" certainly indicates that the speaker is feeling something, but it doesn't describe what he or she is feeling. Is it anger at a particular person, frustration at being interrupted, stress at having to meet a deadline, or depression? We can't tell what feeling the speaker is experiencing from what he or she said.

Covert Conflict

Covert conflict exists when people express their feelings about disagreements indirectly. When angry, a person may deliberately do something to hurt or upset another person. Knowing that Elliott hates to be kept waiting, his wife Maggie intentionally arrives 20 minutes late for a dinner date because he chose a restaurant she doesn't like. Maggie is expressing her anger covertly. A common form of covert conflict is passive aggression, which is acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting aggressive. Much covert conflict takes place through games, highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing

Neglect

Denial or minimization of problems. One of the four ways of responding to conflict, neglect is passive and tends to be destructive.

Johari window (blind, open, hidden, unknown)

Developed in 1969 by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, this is a model of the different types of knowledge that affect self-development.

Investment

Elements (such as energy, time, money, and emotion) put into a relationship that cannot be recovered should the relationship end. Investments, more than rewards and love, increase commitment.

investments

Elements (such as energy, time, money, and emotion) put into a relationship that cannot be recovered should the relationship end. Investments, more than rewards and love, increase commitment. Emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences.

Evaluation vs. Description

Evaluative communication evokes defensiveness; We are also less likely to self-disclose to someone we think is judgmental. Here are several examples of evaluative statements: "It's dumb to feel that way," "You shouldn't have done that," "I approve of what you did," and so forth. Descriptive communication doesn't evaluate others or what they think and feel. Instead, it describes behaviors without passing judgment. Descriptive language may refer to another person, but it does so by describing, not evaluating, his or her behavior: "You seem to be sleeping more lately" versus "You're sleeping too much"; "You seem to have more stuff on your desk than usual" versus "Your desk is a mess."

Define interpersonal conflict

Expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive they have incompatible goals, and feel a need to resolve those differences.

Social media & Emotions

First, the reasons we may not express emotions in face-to-face (f2f) interaction may also operate when we use social media. We may think it is socially unacceptable to express some feelings online, we may choose not to express them to protect ourselves or others, or we may realize that our roles make it inappropriate to express some emotions. Yet we may be more likely to express emotions, including ones that are socially inappropriate, when we are communicating with people we don't know personally. The anonymity of social media emboldens some people to post rants, hate speech, and other offensive comments that they would probably never say f2f. In other words, we may be less inhibited by social norms when we are communicating online and digitally.

closeness through dialogue

For some people, communication is the centerpiece of friendship. This is especially true for people socialized in feminine speech communities, which emphasize talk as a primary path to intimacy. In general, women see talking and listening—face-to-face (f2f) or via social media—as the main activities that create and sustain closeness. Talk between women friends tends to be disclosive and emotionally expressive.

How is self-disclosure related to closeness?

Frequent self-disclosure increases feeling of familiarity and closeness. Intimate disclosure can increase closeness, but more often reduces social attraction.

Grace

Granting forgiveness or putting aside our personal need in favor of someone else's when it is not required or expected. Grace reflects generosity of spirit.

Hidden

Hidden information is what we know about ourselves but choose not to reveal to most others. You might not tell many people about your vulnerabilities or about traumas in your past because you consider this private information.

passion

Intensely positive feelings and desires for another person. One of the three dimensions of enduring romantic relationships, passion is based on the rewards of involvement and is not equivalent to commitment.

pressures on friendship

Like all human relationships, friendships are subject to internal tensions and external pressures.

Control vs. Problem Orientation

Like strategies, controlling communication attempts to manipulate others. Unlike strategies, controlling communication tends to be relatively overt. A common instance of controlling communication is a person's insistence that his or her solution or preference should prevail. Whether the issue is trivial (what movie to see) or serious (whether to move to a new part of the country), controllers try to impose their point of view on others. This disconfirms and disrespects others. Problem-oriented communication tends to cultivate supportive, confirming communication climates. Problem-oriented communication focuses on finding a solution that is acceptable to all parties. Here's an example of problem-oriented communication between coworkers: "It seems that we have really different ideas about how to tackle this new project. Let's talk through what each of us has in mind and see how our ideas might connect." Notice how this statement invites collaboration and emphasizes the goal of meeting both people's needs. Problem-oriented behaviors tend to reduce conflict and keep lines of communication open.

Impression management

Management of communication in an effort to persuade others to believe in the face we present.

Strategy vs. Spontaneity

Most of us feel on guard when we think others are manipulating us or being less than open about what's on their minds. An example of strategic communication is this: "Would you do something for me if I told you it really mattered?" If the speaker doesn't tell us what we're expected to do, it feels like a setup. We're also likely to feel that another person is trying to manipulate us with a comment such as, "Remember when I helped you with your math last term?" With a preamble like that, we sense a trap. When employees think supervisors are trying to manipulate them, they become defensive Spontaneity is the counterpoint to strategy. Spontaneous communication feels open, honest, and unpremeditated. "I really need your help with this computer glitch" is a more spontaneous comment than "Would you do something for me if I told you it really mattered?" Likewise, it is more spontaneous to ask for a favor in a straightforward way ("Would you help me?") than to preface a request by reciting all we have done for someone else. Strategic communication is contrived and devious, whereas spontaneous interaction is authentic.

Ineffective expression of emotions:

Not owning feelings: Stating feelings in a way that disowns personal responsibility is one of the most common obstacles to effective expression of emotions (Proctor, 1991). Our discussion of I language and you language in Chapter 4 is relevant to learning to express emotions effectively. "You make me angry" states a feeling (although the word angry may be overly general). Yet this statement relies on you language, which suggests that somebody other than the speaker is the source or cause of the angry feeling. Others certainly say and do things that affect us; they may even do things to us. But we—not anyone else—decide what their actions mean, and we—not anyone else—are responsible for our feelings. How could we use I language to revise the statement, "You make me angry"? We could change it to this: "I feel angry when you don't call when you say you will." This statement accepts responsibility for a feeling, communicates clearly what is felt, and offers a solution that could help the relationship.

Bracketing

Noting an important issue that comes up in the course of discussing other matters and agreeing to discuss it at a later time. By acknowledging and agreeing to deal with the bracketed issue later, this technique allows people to stay effectively focused on the specific issue at hand.

Generalized other

One source of social perspectives that people use to define themselves and guide how they think, act, and feel; our perception of the views, values, and perspectives that are endorsed by society as a whole.

Particular others

One source of social perspectives that people use to define themselves and guide how they think, act, and feel—people who are especially important to the self.

Open

Open, or public, information is known both to us and to others. Your name, height, major, and tastes in music probably are open information that you share easily with others.

Relationship dialectics:

Opposing forces, or tensions, that are normal parts of all relationships. The three relational dialectics are autonomy/intimacy, novelty/routine, and openness/closedness.

Emotions

Our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences.

Overt Conflict

Overt conflict is out in the open and explicit. People deal with their differences in a direct, straightforward manner. They might calmly discuss their disagreement, intensely argue about ideas, or engage in a shouting match. Overt conflict can also involve physical attacks although of course that's neither healthy nor constructive.

Neutrality vs. Empathy

People tend to become defensive when others respond to them in a neutral or detached manner. Neutral communication is often interpreted as a lack of regard and caring for others. Consequently, it does not feel validating to most of us. In contrast to neutrality, empathic communication confirms the worth of others and our concern for them. Empathic communication is illustrated by these examples: "It's an entirely reasonable way to feel like you do in your situation," and "Wow, it must have really stung when your supervisor said that to you." Empathy doesn't necessarily mean agreement; instead, it conveys acceptance of other people and respect for their perspectives. Especially when we don't agree with others, it's important to communicate that we value them as people.

Internal Tensions

Relationship stresses that grow out of people's needs and people's interactions. We consider three of these: Relational Dialectics, Diverse Communication Styles, and Sexual Attraction

5 Principles of conflict

Principle 1: Conflict Is Natural in Most Western Relationships Principle 2: Conflict May Be Expressed Overtly or Covertly Principle 3: Social Groups Shape the Meaning of Conflict Behaviors Principle 4: Conflict Can Be Managed Well or Poorly Principle 5: Conflict Can Be Good for Individuals and Relationships

Reasons we may not express emotions:

Protecting others: Another reason we often choose not to express feelings is that we fear we could hurt or upset others or cause them to lose face. Sometimes we make an ethical choice not to express emotions that would hurt another person and not achieve any positive outcome. Choosing not to express emotions in some situations or to some people can be constructive and generous. The tendency to restrain emotional expression to protect others is particularly strong in many Asian cultures because they view hurting others as shameful (Samovar, Porter, & McDaniel, 2017; Ting-Toomey & Oetzel, 2002; Yamamoto, 1995). Traditional Asian cultures also view conflict as damaging to social relationships, so they discourage emotional expressions that might lead to conflict (Johnson, 2000; Samovar et al., 2017; Ting-Toomey & Oetzel, 2002). Yet Asians and people of Asian descent are not the only ones who want to protect relationships from tension that can arise from emotional expression. If a friend of yours behaves in ways you consider irresponsible, you may refrain from expressing your disapproval because you don't want to provoke tension between you. Totally open and unrestrained expression of feeling isn't necessarily a good idea. Sometimes it is both wise and kind not to express feelings. It's often not productive to vent minor frustrations and annoyances. If someone we care about is already overburdened with anxiety or emotional problems, we may choose not to express our emotions so that the other person doesn't have to respond to our feelings at the moment. Thus, there can be good reasons not to show or discuss feelings, or not to show or discuss them at a given time.

Social media & Emotions

Second, social media may help us experience and express feelings. When something sad or shocking happens, we want to connect with people who are likely to share our feelings about what happened. Similarly, many people find like-minded communities to celebrate happy events (the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle) or make sense of violence (campus shootings).

Reasons we may not express emotions:

Self-protection: A second reason we may not express our feelings is that we don't want to give others information that could affect how they perceive or act toward us. We fear that someone will like us less if we say that we feel angry with him or her. We worry that coworkers will lose respect for us if our nonverbal behaviors show that we feel weak or scared. We fear that if we disclose how deeply we feel about another person, he or she will reject us. We may also restrain expression of feelings, particularly negative ones, because of what is known as the chilling effect. When we have a relationship with someone whom we perceive as more powerful than us, we may suppress complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction or anger because we fear that the more powerful person could punish us. We might fear a parent will withhold privileges, a supervisor could fire us, or a coach would sideline us. How the other person might use his or her power against us has a chilling effect on our willingness to express our feelings honestly.

Loyalty

Silent allegiance to a relationship and a person when conflict exists. One of the four ways of responding to conflict, loyalty is passive and tends to be constructive.

Reasons we may not express emotions:

Social and professional roles: A final reason we may not express some feelings is that our roles make it inappropriate. An attorney or judge who cries when hearing a sad story from a witness might be perceived as unprofessional. A doctor or nurse who expresses anger toward a patient might be regarded as unprofessional. Police officers and social workers might be viewed as acting inappropriately if they express animosity instead of objective detachment when investigating a crime.

Reasons we may not express emotions:

Social expectations: Gender socialization seems particularly important in shaping feelings and the expression of them. In the United States, men are expected to be more restrained than women in expressing most emotions (Burgoon & Bacue, 2003; Guerrero, Jones, & Boburka, 2006), yet men are allowed to express anger, which is often disapproved of in women (Gay, 2016). In Italy and other countries, men routinely express a range of emotions dramatically and openly. In societies that teach men the feeling rule that they should not feel or express many emotions, some men may suppress feelings or avoid expressing them. Over time, men who do this may become alienated from their feelings, unable to recognize what they do feel, because society has taught them that they shouldn't experience a great many feelings. Women face different restrictions than men on the feelings society considers it appropriate for them to express. Many women are constrained by the feeling rule that they should not feel anger and that, if they do, they should not express it directly. This discourages women from acknowledging legitimate anger and expressing it constructively. Another feeling rule that is learned by many Western women is to care about others (Eisenberg, 2002; Taylor, 2002). Thus, many women engage in emotion work in an attempt to make themselves feel caring (via deep acting) when they don't naturally feel that way.

Ineffective expression of emotions:

Speaking in generalities: "I feel bad." "I'm happy." "I'm sad." Statements such as these do express emotional states, but they do so ineffectively. Why? Because they are so general and abstract that they don't clearly communicate what the speaker feels. Does "I feel bad" mean the person feels depressed, angry, guilty, ashamed, or anxious? Does "I'm happy" mean the speaker is in love, pleased with a grade, satisfied at having received a promotion, delighted to be eating chocolate, or thrilled about an upcoming vacation? When we use general, abstract emotional language, we aren't communicating effectively about what we feel.

Endorsement

The strongest level of confirmation is endorsement. Endorsement involves accepting another's feelings or thoughts. We disconfirm others when we don't accept their thoughts and feelings.

Define emotional intelligence

The ability to recognize which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and the skill to communicate those feelings effectively.

Self-disclosure

The act of revealing personal information about ourselves that others are unlikely to discover in other ways.

Blind

The blind area contains information that others know about us but we don't know about ourselves. For example, others may see that we are insecure even though we think we've hidden that well. Others may also recognize needs or feelings that we haven't acknowledged to ourselves.

Counterproposals

The early and middle stages didn't lay the proper groundwork for an effective discussion of solutions. As a result, each person's proposals tend to be met with counterproposals. The self-preoccupation that first surfaced in the early phase persists now, so each person is more interested in pushing his or her solution than in considering the other person's. Example: John: I want us to spend three nights a week doing things together. Shannon: I can't do that right now because we're short-handed at work, and I am filling in nights. Get a hobby, so you aren't bored on nights.

Relationship dialectics: Openness/Closeness

The third dialectic is a tension between wanting open communication and wanting a degree of privacy, even with intimates. With our closest partners, we self-disclose in ways we don't with coworkers and casual acquaintances. Yet we also desire some privacy, and we want our intimates to respect that. Wanting some privacy doesn't mean that a relationship is in trouble. It means only that we have needs for both openness and closedness.

Face

The impression of self that we want others to accept when we are interacting in social situations.

Recognition

The most basic form of confirmation is recognizing that another person exists (Reis, Sheldon, Gable, Roscoe, & Ryan, 2000). We do this with nonverbal behaviors (a smile or touch) and verbal communication ("Hello," "Good to meet you"). We disconfirm others at a fundamental level when we don't acknowledge their existence.

Define communication climate

The overall feeling, or emotional mood, of a relationship. Shaped by verbal and nonverbal interaction between people.

Conflict and communication

The presence of conflict does not indicate that a relationship is unhealthy or in trouble, although how partners manage conflict does influence relational health. Actually, engaging in conflict indicates that people care enough about each other to want to resolve differences. This is a good point to keep in mind when conflicts arise because it reminds us that a strong connection underlies disagreement.

Reflected appraisals

The process of seeing and thinking about ourselves in terms of the appraisals of us that others reflect.

Relationship dialectics: Novelty/Predictability

The second dialectic is the tension between wanting routine or familiarity and wanting novelty in a relationship. All of us like a certain amount of routine to provide security and predictability in our lives. Yet too much routine becomes boring, so we need occasional new or novel. We want enough routine at work to feel competent and familiar with our responsibilities. But we also want enough novelty, or change, to keep us stimulated.

Acknowledgment

The second level of confirmation is acknowledgment of what another person feels, thinks, or says.Nonverbally, we acknowledge others by nodding our heads or by making eye contact to show we are listening. Verbal acknowledgments are direct responses to others' communication. We disconfirm others when we don't acknowledge their feelings or thoughts. Reponses that are tangential, irrelevant, or impersonal or that deny what another person has said are disconfirming.

Unknown

The unknown area is made up of information about ourselves that neither we nor others know. This consists of your untapped resources, your untried talents, and your reactions to experiences you've never had. You don't know how you will manage a crisis until you've been in one, and you can't tell what kind of parent you would be unless you've had a child.

Social media & Emotions

Third, social media can become substitutes for emotional involvement with people in our f2f relationships. It can be easier to turn to an online acquaintance than your real-life friends or partners when you need emotional connection. We can say what we want and no more than we want, which is not always possible in f2f conversations. It can become easier and less emotionally threatening to turn toward online acquaintances than f2f friends. The more we share our feelings online, however, the more likely we are to feel closer to our virtual acquaintances than our f2f ones. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. While relying on online acquaintances may satisfy immediate needs for emotional connection, there is the danger of becoming more involved with the online acquaintance than the people with whom you have f2f relationships.

Waning

This is the last stage of a friendship and it happens when one or both of the friends decide not to be committed to the relationship.

Time conflict purposefully

Timing affects how we communicate about conflicts. There are three ways to use chronemics so that conflicts are most likely to be effective. First, try not to engage in serious conflict discussions at times when one or both people will not be fully present psychologically. Most of us are less attentive, less mindful listeners when we are tired. It's generally more productive to discuss problems in private rather than in public setting. It's also considerate and constructive to deal with conflict when each person is ready to talk constructively about a problem. A third use of chronemics to promote positive conflict is bracketing.

Exit

To leave conflict, either psychologically (by tuning out disagreement) or physically (by walking away from an argument, or even leaving the relationship). One of four ways of responding to conflict, the exit response is active and generally destructive.

Certainty vs. Provisionalism

We communicate certainty by using language that is absolute and often dogmatic. This kind of language suggests that there is one and only one answer, valid point of view, or reasonable course of action. Because certainty proclaims one absolutely correct position, it slams the door on further discussion. There's no point in talking with people whose minds are made up and who demean any point of view other than their own. Examples: "I don't want to hear it," "You can't change my mind." One form of certainty communication is ethnocentrism, which is the assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones. An alternative to certainty is provisionalism, which communicates openness to other points of view. When we speak provisionally, or tentatively, we suggest that our minds aren't sealed. Provisional communication includes statements such as, "The way I tend to see the issue is...," "One way to look at this is... " Notice that each of these comments signals that the speaker realizes there could be other positions that are also reasonable, which invites continued communication.

acceptance

We expect friends to accept us, including our flaws. Each of us has shortcomings, and we count on friends to accept us in spite of them. With people we don't know well, we often feel we need to put on our best face to impress them. With friends, however, we don't want to put up false fronts.

support

We expect friends to support us. There are many ways to show support. Common to the various types of support is the relationship message, "I care about you." Often, we support friends by listening to their problems. The more mindfully we listen, the more support we provide. How we respond also shows support. For example, it's supportive to offer to help a friend with a problem or to talk through options. Another way we support friends is by letting them know they're not alone. When we say, "I've felt that way, too" or "I've had the same problem," we signal that we understand their feelings. Having the grace to accept friends when they err or hurt us is also a way to show support and validate their worth.

External Tensions

friendships may encounter pressures from outside sources. Three such pressures are competing demands, personal changes, and geographic distance.

Cross complaining

occurs when one person's complaint is met by a countercomplaint; an attempt to divert the conversation and to switch the fault.

Reframing

this is a complex and transformative strategy in which partners redefine contradictory needs as not in opposition. For example, some partners said that disagreements added spice to their relationship. Others said disagreements were evidence that they maintained their individuality in the relationship.

Conflict orientation

three basic orientations that affect how we approach conflict situations

Neutralization

to negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs. Each need is met to an extent, but neither is fully satisfied. A couple might have a fairly consistent balance between the amount of novelty and the amount of routine in their relationship.

Selection

when we give priority to one dialectical need and neglect the other. For example, coworkers might engage exclusively in routinized communication. Some partners cycle between dialectical needs, favoring each one alternately. A couple could be continuously together for a period and then autonomous for a time.

Separation

when we separate dialectics, we assign one dialectical need to certain spheres of interaction and the opposing dialectical need to other aspects of interaction. For instance, employees might work independently on most tasks but operate very interactively and openly on specific teams. Many dual-career couples are autonomous professionally, relying little on each other for advice, although they are very connected about family matters.

Defensive and supportive climates

with some people we feel disconfirmed and on guard, so we are unlikely to communicate openly with them; with other people we feel supported and confirmed, so we are likely to communicate freely with them. Gibb believed that the different communication climates result largely from communication that promotes feeling confirmed or disconfirmed. Gibb identified six types of communication that promote disconfirming climates and six opposite types of communication that foster confirming climates.