COMM1131 EXAM 3!
procreational orientation
The belief is that producing offspring is the primary purpose of sexual intercourse. - religious, traditional, and conservative cultural values
Interdependence theory
human relationships involve the exchange of costs and rewards
5 flirting styles
physical, polite, playful, sincere, traditional
gradual involvement
(31%) Sexual involvement increases gradually as the relationship develops - Sexual involvement moves through stages - Sex occurs before exclusivity is established. - Recreational/relational orientation toward sex
delayed involvement
(44%) Wait until committed to becoming sexually involved Psychological intimacy first - Sex occurs only after exclusivity is established. - Strong endorsement of relational orientation
rapid involvement
(~7% of U.S. heterosexual couples) Sex on first date Strong endorsement of sex as recreational
low involvement
- 17% -Waiting until marriage or engagement - Relational/procreational orientation
Attachment theory - 4 adult attachment styles
- Attachment is a life-long process - Attachment styles can change - Context - Partners
What are issues associated with maintenance in long-distance relationships?
- Because partners are not face-to-face, they engage in fewer pro-social maintenance behaviors E.g., task sharing, joint activities, social networking, openness, assurances - displaying nonverbal affection, sharing most activities, engaging in the same type of routine People find LD relationships satisfying because: 1. More control over the communication - E.g., the timing of communication - If you don't feel like talking you don't have to 2. Partners are on their best behavior when together -Special activities 3. Partner idealization A distorted perception that involves describing one relationship and partner in glowing and overly positive terms that sometimes reflect unrealistic expectations - Person exaggerates their partner's positive qualities - Can lead to a skewed version of who they are - Note: some idealization is healthy in a relationship It is not uncommon for LD relationships terminate when they become proximal and idealization fades Can't live up to idealized expectations.
How do people initiate dating and sex? 4. Pressure and manipulation
- Coercive tactics such as repeated requests for sex, threats to de-escalate the relationship, deception. - Used more often by heterosexual men than heterosexual women. - Likely to damage (or end) a relationship; erodes trust and intimacy.
Be able to explain Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways?
- Love is experienced and communicated to others in a variety of ways. - Focuses on physiological and behavioral responses to love. -Physiological changes: people reported feeling more energetic and emotionally intense -how to communicate love to a partner or how parter communicates love to you is by saying «I love you»
How do people initiate dating and sex? 2. Expressions of closeness
- People tend to be more comfortable with sexual involvement if emotional closeness is present. EXAMPLE: Doing special things for your partner, complementing them, spending time together, sharing space
working models of others (Attachment theory)
- Positive model of others: a perception that reflects expectations that people will be supportive, receptive, and accepting, and that relationships will be rewarding Positive: trustworthy, caring, and accessible - Negative model of others: a perception that reflects expectations that people will be unsupportive or unaccepting or will cause problems Negative: untrustworthy, uncaring, rejecting
working models of self (Attachment Theory)
- Positive self-model: an internalized sense of self-worth that is not dependent on ongoing validation from others. - worthy of attention, acceptance, and love - Negative self-model: an internalized sense of self-doubt that leads one to seek the approval of others - unworthy of attention, acceptance, or love
Be able to explain negative reciprocity
- Principle: this reciprocity states that aggresion or negative expressions beget more of the same -->>Hostile styles: competitive fighting and indirect fighting (to use this rather than positive conflict style) - Flaming: hostile expressions of emotions -->>Aggression creates more aggresion - Positive reciprocity: a pattern where both partners engage in cooperative and immediate behavior If someone is yelling at you, natural instinct to yell back 3 problems related to NR 1. Gunnysacking: Occurs when people store up old grievances and then dump them on their partner during a conflict. -> Issuess are old presented at once 2. Kitchen-sinking: Instead up storing up complaints , people rehash all their old arguments when they get into a new argument. -->>WHY: Because multiple attacks are involved, partners feel defensive and overwhelmed And probably unable to discuss an issue productively. *Gunnysaking and Kitchen-sinking make it harder to discuss issues productively. 3. Bringing other people into the conflict: mentioning negative things other people have said about your partner, saying negative things about your partner's friends or family, comparing your partner to former partners - Promotes feelings defensiveness, which make problem resolution very difficult. - "My sister warned me you could be really picky" The principle of negative reciprocity - NR is a common pattern and can predict relationship dissatisfaction. - For satisfying relationships, positive interactions should greatly outnumber negative interactions - Ratio of 5: 1 - Five positive to one negative
Research on Hookups- Condoms and hookups
- Studies show that condom use is inconsistent in hookups - Condom use is the highest in the first years of college because of a lot of uncertainty and want to be protective
How do people initiate dating and sex? 5. Use of anti-social acts
- Trying to make a partner jealous - Holding a grudge to attempt to get one's own way - Sexual harassment - Often produce relational damage or termination.
How do people initiate dating and sex? 1. Hinting and indirectness
- Use of compliments, sexual innuendo, hints, non-verbal communication. - Less face-threatening for both people.
How do people initiate dating and sex? 3. Use of logic and reasoning
- Using logic or negotiation to overcome a partner's concerns. - Closeness and commitment - STI status - Pregnancy prevention
Flirting - Why do people flirt?
1. Amusement - Not sexual - Enjoyable experience 2. To boost self-esteem - Not sexual - Feels good when people want to talk to you and compliment you 3. To gauge another's romantic interest - Want to see if the feelings are reciprocated - Is this person interested in me romantically? 4. To reinforce a relationship - Maintain interest in a relationship 5.To find a mate
What are the research-backed suggestions for engaging in productive conflict?
1. Be aware of confirmation bias Confirmation bias = when you gather evidence that reinforces your beliefs and disregard evidence that challenges your beliefs. 2. Think about attributions - We have a tendency to base our own mistakes on a particular situation, but we often base our partner's mistakes on a character deficiency. - If I'm treating you poorly, it's because I had a bad day. If you're treating me poorly, it's because you're bad at relationships. 3. Avoid "never" and "always." - "You never do the dishes." 4. One conflict issue at a time. 5. Focus on behaviors, not character. 6. Switch from reacting to reflecting. - When you're having a conflict try telling the person you're speaking with what you heard them say. - In conflict, people often stop listening because they are planning their rebuttal.
What are the conflict styles? - 6 Conflict styles 1. Competetive Fighting
1. Competitive fighting - Direct, aggressive, hostile, and uncooperative. - Competing to defeat the partner/win the argument - Win-lose orientation (I win, you lose) - ->>"Win" is only temporary - Usually associated with poor communication competence and relational dissatisfaction. Specific tactics include: confrontational remarks accusations personal criticism name-calling blaming the partner sarcasm hostile jokes/questioning threats presumptive attribution
Be able to explain the demand-withdraw pattern and its manifestations. 4 manifestations of demand and withdraw
1. Discuss/exit One partner seeks discussion of an issue; the other partner exits physically or communicatively. 2. Perfunctory response One partner asks a series of questions; the other gives inauthentic responses. Partner A: Will you take care of the cat's box? Partner B: Yes. Partner A: When will you do it? Partner B: Later. Partner A: What does that mean? Partner B: I don't know, later. Partner A: I need you to tell me. Partner B: Ok. 3. Complain/deny One partner complains about an issue; the other partner denies the legitimacy of the issue. Partner A: Did you take care of the cat's box like you said you would? Partner B: I don't know why you keep bringing this up. It's not a big deal. 4. Criticize/Defend Partner A: You are being disrespectful about the cat's box. Partner B: I'm not being disrespectful -- you are, by bringing it up all the time.
Interdependence theory - Types of rewards and cost
1. Emotional- positive and negative feelings experienced in a relationship - Reward = positive feeling - Cost = negative feeling 2. Social- social appearance and interaction in social environments - Reward = partner makes you look socially desirable to others - Cost = partner makes you look socially undesirable to others 3. Instrumental- activities or tasks in a relationship - Reward = partner is good at handling a task - Cost = partner causes unnecessary work 4. Opportunely- experiences/chances you give up or gain because of the relationship - Reward = gains - Cost = losses
How do people initiate dating and sex?
1. Hinting and Indirectness 2. Expressions of closeness 3. Use of logic and reasoning 4. Pressure and manipulations 5. Use of anti social-acts
Be able to explain Dr. Helen Fisher's research on the brain and relationship maintenance.
1. Maintain sex drive - Elevates levels of oxytocin and dopamine - Reinforces feelings of bondedness and positivity 2. Engage in new activities - Change it up - Interested brain = happy brain 3. Maintain attachment to partner - Verbally: "I love you" - Non-verbally: holding hands, cuddling Long term couples are good at 1. Communicating empathy for the partner 2. Controlling own emotions (especially during conflict) 3. Engaging in positive illusions = emphasizing partner's qualities while downplaying their flaws
How do people time sex in their relationships?
1. Rapid involvement: 2. Gradual involvement 3. Delayed involvement 4. Low involvement
Advice from Marston and Hecht
1. Recognize that your partner's love way may be different from your own EXAMPLE: Bryce expresses love through touch and public affection, he should not expect Gabriella to want the same. 2. Don't overvalue particular elements of your own love way EXAMPLE: Gabriella prefers a certain way of expressing love different to Bryce, and might worry that it would affect the relationship. If this happen gabriella should reflect on other aspects of their relationship that may still reflect their love for one another. 3. Focus on, and appreciate, the diverse ways your partners show love. - For example People should avoid statements like, "if you really loved me, you would give me more space" (as Gabriella might say) or "if you really loved me, you would tell me more often" (As Bryce might say)
Attachment theory - 4 adult attachment styles 1. Secure - Prosocial style
1. Secure - Prosocial style -Positive models of self and others - People with this style are comfortable getting close to and depending on others, seldom worry about being abandoned, and strive for a balance of autonomy and closeness in relationships. - Are comfortable being single or in a relationship. "I'm ok, you're ok." - Likely to engage in compromise and problem-solving during a conflict Reinforcement Effect: ->Good communicators feel good about themselves, Disclosure, expression of emotions, are confident and expressive, people react to them positively
Attachment theory - Attachment styles for children 1. Secure 70% of children
1. Secure 70% of children - Positive working model of self and others - Caregiver exhibits caregiver attachment behaviors - Children who develop secure attachments to a caregiver are more likely to feel free to explore, approach others, and be positive toward strangers than are insecure types. - Secure children are also likely to protest the separation and then show happiness when reunited with their caregivers.
Attachment theory - Caregiver attachment behaviors
1. Sensitivity to signals - detecting and interpreting the infant's signal correctly (for example, crying, laughing, facial expressions) - Appropriately responding in a timely matter 2. Physical and psychological availability - physically close and emotionally open and available 3. Acceptance of the infant's needs Don't know what kind of baby you will get, but accept them for who they are
Attachment Theory - People's individual attachment styles can change because of
1. Significant life/relationship events: traumatic divorce can change attachment style from secure to dismissive 2. Partners attachment style: a secure partner may help a fearful partner become secure 3. Variability across relationship types: you may be securely attached in close friendships but preoccupied in romantic relationships.
Safer sex communication - what are barriers?
1. The "truth bias" We tend to believe people we like such as STI status, STI testing, and MonogamY 2. Not wanting to be seen as promiscuous or suggesting that the partner is promiscuous. ->>EXAMPLE: "If I want to use a condom, my partner might think I'm a slut." 3. Not wanting to ruin the "moment" Talking about safer sex is unsexy and a condom will be interruptive. 4. Not wanting to convey distrust or hurt a partner's feelings. ->>EXAMPLE: "If I want to use a condom, will my partner think it is because I think s/he is dirty?"
Attachment theory - Attachment styles for children 2. Avoidant 20% of children
2. Avoidant 20% of children - A social interaction style where the person is uncomfortable getting close to or depending on others. Children with avoidant attachment styles engage in limited social interaction. - Because: caregivers are not able to fulfill their needs, they develop negative models of others ("no one loves me"). - The child tends not to protest separation from caregivers and shows little emotion when the caregiver returns.
What are the conflict styles? - 6 Conflict styles 2. Compromising
2. Compromising - Direct, moderately cooperative - Involves searching for a fair, intermediate position that satisfies some of both partners' needs. - People need to give something up to reach a solution that will meet at least some of their goals. -->> Part-win, part lose orientation - Quality of compromise varies based on how mutually acceptable the outcome is Specific tactics include: -Appealing to fairness - suggesting a trade-off - maximizing wins while minimizing losses - offering a quick, short term resolution to the conflict - taking the middle ground - alternating
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships? 6. Destructive conflict
6. Destructive conflict - Trying to control partner by using aggression - Yelling, abuse - Scaring them to stay in the relationship - Starting arguments with partner so you can tell her/him what to do.
Attachment theory - 4 adult attachment styles 2. Preoccupied - The emotional style
2. Preoccupied - The emotional style - negative models of self and positive models of others. - People with this style desire excessive closeness and need relationships to validate their self-worth - Overly dependent on relationships "You are okay, but I'm not okay" - Relationships more important than personal goals and activities - Cling to relationships even if they're toxic Over disclosive and sensitive - In conflict, they exhibit demanding, nagging behavior Reinforcement effect: by escalating intimacy too quickly, they push partners away and therefore reinforce that they are unworthy of love
Attachment theory - Attachment styles for children 3. Anxious/Ambivalent 10% of children
3. Anxious-ambivalent 10% of children - A social interaction style where someone tends to be overinvolved, demanding, and dependent on their partner; someone who uses this style tends to value relational closeness over autonomy. - The caregiver is inconsistent with their communication and preoccupied with their own problems such as relational conflict - Children have negative working model of self "I am not lovable" - Children appear clingy, whiny, difficult to console. - >Don't know what to expect from a caregiver.
What are the conflict styles? - 6 Conflict styles 3. Collaborating
3. Collaborating - Direct and cooperative - Integrating, solution-oriented, problem solving, negotiation - Creative problem solving to satisfy both partners' needs - ->>Win-win orientation - Most effective Specific tactics include: - Expressing agreement - making descriptive or disclosive statements - being supportive and empathetic - accepting responsibility - brainstorming ideas - soliciting partner opinions - Inquiring about the partner's feelings - Emphasizing commonalities - Initiating problem-solving and brainstorming
Attachment theory - 4 adult attachment styles 3. Fearful - The hesitant style
3. Fearful - The hesitant style - An attachment style is based on negative models of self and negative models of others. People with this style want to have close relationships, but they are afraid that if they get too close to someone they will get hurt. "I'm not okay and you are not okay" - Because: experienced a painful experience in the past, and want to depend on others but find it hard to open up because of rejection. - Hesitant to communicate emotions and self-disclosing, avoid social interactions - Anxious and avoidant, not able to build on trust - View conflict as a threat to a relationship -> Managing conflict often involves disclosure and shows interdependence. -> Use withdrawal and defensiveness. Reinforcement Effect: by avoiding taking risks, they keep themselves from developing the kind of positive relationships that will help them feel better about themselves and others
Interdependence theory - 4 types of relationships
4 types of relationships 1. Happy, stable relationship - Outcomes exceed comparison level and comparison level for alternatives 2. Unhappy, stable relationship - Relationship is not exceeding your expectations - But no better alternative 3. Happy, unstable relationship - Exceeds what you think a relationship should be - But there are better alternatives, or you would rather be single - Consider leaving 4. Unhappy, unstable relationship - Not exceeding your expectations - Better alternatives out there - You leave the relationship A person's comparison level may rise over time, so a relationship that was once rewarding may seem less rewarding over time = expectations have risen
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships? 4. Communicative infidelity
4. Communicative infidelity - Engaging in sexual activity with someone else to send a message to the partner. - Could be a means of revenge. - Could be a bid for attention. - Want the partner to find out to send a message - Not recommended
Attachment theory - 4 adult attachment styles 4. Dismissive - The detached style
4. Dismissive - The detached style - An attachment style is based on positive models of self and negative models of others. With this style, autonomy is valued over closeness in a relationship. "I'm okay but you are not okay" - Self-sufficient that they push others away - Not interested in relationships rather focus on own goals and ambitions to prove to self and others that they can cope with life on their own (dislike relying on others) - Relationships hold them back from achieving their goals - Tend to use low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression - In conflicts, they tend to withdraw because they don't want to show interdependence and Don't want to feel pressured to disclose feelings Reinforcement Effect: - By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they do not need other people to be happy
What are the conflict styles? - 6 Conflict styles 4. Indirect fighting
4. Indirect fighting - Indirect, uncooperative, and hostile - Passive-aggression, active-distancing, negative withdrawal - Focus on dismissing the partner's position and shutting down conversation in an effort not to lose the argument Specific tactics include: - Failing to acknowledge or validate the partner's concern - ignoring the partner - holding a grudge - using a whiny voice - giving the partner cold and dirty looks - angrily leaving the scene - rolling one's eyes - administrating the silent treatment
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships? 5. Allowing control
5. Allowing control - Focusing exclusively on the partner. - Ignoring friends and family. - Letting partner make all decisions
What are the conflict styles? - 6 Conflict styles 5. Avoiding
5. Avoiding - neutral in terms of cooperative vs uncooperative - Sometimes leads to a lose-lose situation with issues left unresolved - However, in some cases, avoiding is beneficial. -->>Preferable to aggression -->>Choosing to avoid vs. feeling silenced -->>Topical; "agree to disagree." Specific tactics include: - denying the conflict exists - being indirect and evasive about the conflict - changing or avoiding topics - acting as of they don't care - making irrelevant remarks - joking to avoid dealing with the conflict
What are the conflict styles? - 6 Conflict styles 6. Yielding
6. Yielding - Cooperative and indirect - Lose-win orientation (I lose, you win) - Problematic if one person always gives in (the chilling effect) - Beneficial if the conflict issue is more important to one partner than the other Specific tactics include: appeasement (giving in) smoothing over differences passive acceptance of alternative positions
attachment theory
A theory that helps account for how interactions between children and their caregivers initially shape people's attachment styles, and as a result, how they communicate in relationships across the lifespan.
relational orientation
As a sexual attitude, the belief that sexual intercourse is a way of expressing love and affection and developing greater relational intimacy. - Avoid or limit casual sex -> sex with an established relationship with people who care about each other
recreational orientation
As a sexual attitude, the belief that sexual intercourse is primarily a source of fun, escape, excitement or pleasure. - promote hookup rather than relationship
What does Attribution Theory tell us about the conflict styles that people will use? What kinds of attributions do people make?
Attribution theory: Individuals have a fundamental need to determine the cause of others' behaviors, we want to know why. Especially when we are in conflict with someone. When something bad happens to us we ask 3 questions: 1. Personal vs. situational - Is the cause of this conflict a personality flaw (personal) or is the cause of the conflict due to the circumstances we are in (situational)? 2. Unstable vs. stable - Is this behavior that is making me upset atypical (unstable) or typical (stable) 3. Global vs. specific - Is the behavior that is making me mad apparent elsewhere (global) or does it just apply to this particular situation (specific)? Situational + unstable + specific attributions =use of more positive conflict styles = collaborating and compromising Personal + stable + global attributions =use of more negative conflict styles = competitive fighting and indirect fighting
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships? 1. Avoidance
Avoidance: - Evading the partner in certain situations or on certain issues - May be helpful in some instances. - "We are never going to agree on X, so we won't talk about it."
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships?
Behaviors that discourage interaction. Behaviors that try to control or manipulate a partner. Behaviors that attempt to change a partner. The use of some anti-social maintenance behaviors is not necessarily bad for relationships. If used infrequently. 1. Avoidance 2. Jealousy induction 3. Spying 4. communicative infidelity 5. allowing control 6. destructive conflict
Safer Sex communication - What does safer sex communication include?
Best communication strategies for safer sex - Discuss pregnancy prevention (if applicable) - Discuss prevention of STIs (condoms, birth control) - Negotiate monogamy ->>Exclusivity or non-exclusivity?
What is the Cascade Model (Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) and why is it important?
Cascade Model =4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse Model for understanding how conflict can negatively impact relationships Developed by Dr. John and Julie Gottman Couples who end up divorcing exhibit conflict patterns that include 4 components: 1. Criticism - Complaints and negative words about partner's character or personality 2. Contempt - Disgusted with partner as a person - Treating partner with disrespect - Suggesting superiority - Use of mocking sarcasm or insults - Contempt is very stressful for both partners - Stress weakens the immune system, so they are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses - Chronic stress causes the release of cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine which can lead to IBS, weight gain, hypertension, etc. - If you are dealing with chronic stress you should *Change relationship *Terminate relationship *Exercise *Meditation 3. Defensiveness - Used when a person feels like they need to protect themselves from personal attacks - Deny responsibility - Making excuses/accusations - Not trying to fix the issue just trying to protect themselves from being criticized 4. Stonewalling - Partners disagree and stop communicating - It happens after chronic criticism, contempt, and defensiveness
Be able to describe what happens in the brain during periods of chronic stress. What are the health impacts of chronic stress?
Chronic stress: prompts the release of cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine from the adrenal gland and can lead to: 1. Hypertension 2. Cholesterol plaque build up 3. IBS 4. Weight gain 5. Weakened immune system
Be able to explain Equity Theory. What does Equity Theory tell us about satisfying relationships? CONSEQUENCES OF (IN) EQUITY
Consequences of (In)Equity Equity is related to: - Feelings of happiness, satisfaction, fairness, and appreciation - more positivity, openness, and assurances; and more constructive expression of negative emotions Under-benefited inequity is related to: - feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, and dissatisfaction - a more aggressive expression of negative emotions Overbenefited inequity is related to: - feelings of guilt (sometimes) - tendency to use fewer pro-social maintenance behaviors
Research of hookups - 4 reactions to their hookups 2. Content realist
Content realist - 30% - Had a good time - Relationship probably won't happen but that is okay
Be able to explain the demand-withdraw pattern and its manifestations.
Demand-Withraw interaction pattern: A persistent pattern that occurs when one person in a relationship usally wants to talk about problems or issues (Demander), and the other person usually wants to avoid talking about those issues (Withdrawer). Demander: Likely to be in a less powerful situation and tends to be dissatisfied with something. Demander uses highly charged emotional requests, critism, complains Withdrawer: the person in the withdrawing position is likely to be in a more powerful position and to be happy with the status quo. Withdrawer uses defensiveness and passive inaction. -->>Example: Married couples are more likely to engage in the demand-withdrawal pattern when one partner desires more closeness or involvement in the home and the other partner desires more autonomy. More demands = more withdrawing More withdrawing = more demands D-W pattern happens because 1. People are saving up complaints over a period of time and can't take it anymore 2. Inequitable relationship and demander is trying to get some equity back 3. Intergenerational effects 4. Unresolved conflict around connection-autonomy
Research of hookups - 4 reactions to their hookups 4. Disappointed and disengaged
Disappointed and disengaged - 16% - Lowest levels of happiness - Did not enjoy it - Little hope for a relationship.
Be able to explain Equity Theory. What does Equity Theory tell us about satisfying relationships? EQUITY AND EQUITY THEORY
Equity: When two people are getting a fair deal in terms of the benefits and costs they are getting as a result of being in a relationship with each other Equity theory: a relational perspective for determining whether the distribution of resources is fair to both relational partners. --> Benefits and contributions equally distributed for satisfaction. They are not getting a "worse deal" than their partner. -->Partners necessarily don't have to receive equal benefits or contributions as long as the ratio is similar. - Benefits include: love, care, and financial security - Contributions include: effort, time, and financial resources
1. Collaborative love (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love is a partnership that involves mutual support and negotiation, increases energy, and intensifies emotion. -Love is communicated by enthusiastically supporting one another´s goal
Be able to describe Gottman's couple types. Which couple types tend to have satisfying relationships?
Gottman's couple types - Couples are classified by how they handle conflict in their relationships - Whether a relationship lasts largely depends on how conflicts are managed. Gottman's 5 couple types 1. Validating couples - Put a great deal of emphasis on supporting (empathetic) and understanding their partner's point of view. - Tend to agree on issues such as sex, money, religion, and children and compromise on disagreements, which are calm and measured (no shouting, no "below the belt" comments). 2. Volatile couples - The couple enjoys debate and is comfortable with disagreement and lack of harmony with emotionally expressive communication - Disagreements = arguments and discussions -Conflict = productive and energizes the relationship -Communication = laughter, shared amusement, and humor 3. Conflict avoidant couples - The couple does not like conflict and often walks away from an argument -They are not emotionally expressive and emphasize common ground. -Partners placate and please each other rather than meet their own needs. - Often walk away from arguments. - Achieve a clear balance between independence and interdependence. -->>>This coupling type is most likely to have separate friends and interests but is also usually very connected when they engage in mutual interests. 4. Hostile/engaged couples - Argue frequently and usually in an unproductive way. - Both partners are highly defensive. - Frequent use of insults, sarcasm, and personal criticisms. 5. Hostile/disengaged couples - Argue frequently and usually in an unproductive way. - During the conflict, unable or unwilling to see the other person's perspective. - Partners do not listen to one another. - Emotional disengagement from the partner and the relationship.
Research of hookups - 4 reactions to their hookups 1. Happy Hopeful
Happy hopeful - 32% - Happy with their experience - Low levels of disappointment and awkwardness - Expressed hope for future relationships
4. Committed love (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love is based on commitment and involves experiencing strong feelings of connection, spending time together, and discussing the future.
5. Secure love: (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love is based on security and intimacy; experienced through feelings of safety and warmth; and communicated through intimate self-disclosure.
Be able to describe the research about hookups we discussed in lecture
Hook-ups Hookups are motivated by sexual desire, sexual experimentation, physical pleasure, alcohol (used in the majority of hookups), or drug use. - Consensual = do not lead to negative long-term psychological consequences - Hook ups are increasingly considered a normative form of identity exploration for emerging adults - Both Men and women seek hook-ups, though, women report fewer positive feelings about hooking up than men. - Hookups do not always involve intercourse in the short term. - Definitions of «hooking up" can vary considerably - College students today are not necessarily more sexually active than college students in the past - Students today did not report having sex more often or a greater number of sexual partners - Students today are more likely to have sex with a friend, also students now report never having sex before - 1500 students were asked to think of their last hook up 701 have not hooked up in the last year so were excluded
Be able to explain Equity Theory. What does Equity Theory tell us about satisfying relationships? INEQUITY
Inequity - When one partner is getting a "worse deal" in comparison to the other partner, there is inequity. ->>The person getting the worse deal is under benefited. ->>The person getting the better deal is over benefited.
2. Active love (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love is based on shared interests, activity, doing things together, discussing mutually-interesting topics, and feelings of increased strength and self-confidence.
6. Expressive love (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love is shown through overt behavior, such as doing things for the partner and saying "I love you" frequently.
What is emotional flooding? How should people productively deal with it?
It is: Occurs when people become surprised, overwhelmed, and disorganized by their partners expressions of negative emotion during a conflict situation, causing them to feel high levels of arousal that can inhibt effective conflict management. -->>A respone they dont mean and regret it later, For example "I hate you" "i wish i never met you" -->>During a conflict, negative emotions become so overwhelming that cognition is impaired. -->>When someone is experiencing emotional flooding, it takes about 20 minutes for their brain to return to its normal state. What happens during emotional flooding? 1. Psychological arousal (increased heart rate and blood pressure) 2. Difficulty processing information 3. Difficult to think clearly 4. Brain becomes overwhelmed with cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine 5. Rational thinking shuts down - Fight or flight How should people deal with it? Physiological self-soothing: The antidote to stonewalling, this involves taking a break from the conflict to calm down and regain one's thoughts. - ->Take a break for at least 20 minutes: calm down, let go of any negative feelings that could leas to defensiveness or contempt, doing something pleasant, reading, watching a show
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships? 2. Jealousy Induction
Jealousy induction: -Attempting to make your partner jealous - functional (direct a partner´s attention back to a relationship) or dysfunctional (can alienate a partner) -Associated with that a partner is romantically interested in a third party - People who employ jealousy induction often hope to create feelings of love and possessiveness in their partners, thus, prompting a desire to remain actively engaged in the relationship. EXAMPLES: purposely flirting with a potential rival in front of the partner commenting on the attractiveness of others in front of the partner. talking about rivals in front of a partner.
Be able to explain and identify pro-social maintenance behaviors.
Keep the relationship intact and in a desirable state Encourages interaction Promote trust, closeness, liking Types of prosocial maintenance behaviors: 1. Positivity - Making an effort to engage in daily pleasant interactions even if you have outside stressors 2. Openness - Regularly disclosing - Listening to partner talk about life - Communicating interest in your partner's life 3. Assurances - Giving partner assurances about commitment to the relationship - That it is going well, you find your partner attractive 4. Social networking - Spending them with partner's friends, family - Attending work functions 5. Task sharing - Doing regular tasks/chores together - Walking the dog, grocery shopping 6. Joint activities - Planning something special - Taking a day trip, going on a date 7. Romance and affection - Displaying affection - Sex - Flirting 8. Humor - Using inside jokes and other forms of humor when interacting with your partner
7. Traditional romantic love (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love involves togetherness and commitment, as well as feeling beautiful and healthy.
3. Intuitive love (Marston´s and Hecht´s Love ways)
Love is a feeling communicated through nonverbal behavior and experienced through physical reactions such as feeling warm all over and losing one's appetite, butterflies in the stomach .
Be able to explain Love Languages and their role in relationship maintenance.
Love languages 5 languages that represent preferred ways of communicating and receiving love. -->Conflict or dissatisfaction can arise if you "speak" a different love language than your partner because individuals understand and express love in different ways. 1. Affirmation and support - Being encouraging, supportive, and complimentary -Build the other partner up 2. Quality time - Spending free time together, deep conversation, alone time, planning vacations and future plans (family) 3. Gifts and tokens of affection -Bring flowers or surprise gifts for no special occasion - integrated into each other's social networks because of public demonstrations of togetherness and affection 4. Physical touch - Holding hands, sexual activities, cuddling -Feelings of warmth and satisfaction 5. Acts of service -Helping with necessary tasks -Washing ones car
What is Accommodation?
Occurs when people are able to overcome the initial tendency to retaliate in response to negative behavior and instead engage in cooperative communication to maintain the relationship. -->>Helps to diffuse a negative situation and resist negative reciprocity.
Interdepence theory - Outcomes
Outcomes = rewards - costs Positive outcomes are not enough to keep a relationship going though Outcomes are evaluated based on: 1. Comparison level - Predicts satisfaction - Outcomes you expect from being in the relationship - Has to do with your past relationship - Really good past relationship = high comparison level 2. Comparison level for alternatives - Perception of outcomes if you leave the relationship and move on to the best alternative - If the relationship isn't great but neither are the alternatives you are likely to stick around
Be able to explain Equity Theory. What does Equity Theory tell us about satisfying relationships? Dealing with distress in inequitable relationships
People can relieve their distress by: 1. restoring actual equity 2. restoring psychological equity - "I guess I'm not under-benefitted after all." - General equity vs. specific equity. 3. leaving the relationship
polite flirting style
People who use this style: - Want to make sure they don't offend the other person - are highly observant of manners and social rules; often desire a long-term relationship. - may appear reserved; tend to have fewer partners.
physical flirting style
People who use this style: - are interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with a potential partner. - are highly comfortable and competent in communicating sexual interest to a potential partner. - quickly feel attraction toward a potential partner and act on it.
playful flirting style
People who use this style: - are typically interested in amusement and enhancing self-esteem, fun. - are not necessarily looking for a sexual partner. - Like to make other people feel good, it energizes them
Traditional Flirting Style
People who use this style: - subscribe to traditional gender-specific roles. - Men make the first moves, approach women, lead interaction, and make requests for future engagements. - Heterosexual relationships
sincere flirting style
People who use this style: - value emotional connection most in potential partners; often desire a long-term relationship. - Sexual chemistry is secondary. - communicate deep interest in the potential partner's life.
Be able to explain Equity Theory. What does Equity Theory tell us about satisfying relationships? PRINCIPLES OF EQUITY THEORY
Principles of Equity Theory 1. Individuals try to maximize the benefits they obtain from a relationship. 2. People in satisfying relationships develop rules for distributing resources fairly. 3. Inequitable relationships often lead to distress. ->>This distress prompts individuals to restore equity ->>The more distress an individual experiences, the harder he or she will try to alleviate the distress. 4. Individuals in equitable relationships experience more satisfaction ->>also use more pro-social maintenance behaviors than individuals in inequitable relationships.
what are the orientations towards sex?
Procreational Rational Recreational
How are communication, sexual satisfaction, and relational satisfaction interconnected?
Sex in relationships - Couples with high levels of sexual satisfaction also report high levels of love, connection, excitement, and relational satisfaction. - Direct, verbal, partner-to-partner instrumental communication about sex increases relational satisfaction. ->>Instrumental communication = messages aimed at accomplishing a task. - Indirect communication about sex is not effective in increasing relational satisfaction.
What are the conflict styles?
Six conflict styles - The conflict style individuals use is often intergenerational. - We tend to use the conflict styles we saw our parents use. Conflict styles are based on two dimensions: 1. Degree of directness the extent to which individuals talk directly about issues, express their opinions, and pursue their goals 2. Degree of cooperativeness the extent to which individuals consider the needs and perspectives of their partner. Six conflict styles 1. Competetive fighting 2. compromising 3. collaborating 4. indirect fighting 5. avoiding 6. yielding
Why are attachment styles important?
Social interaction styles that reflect the kind of bond an individual has with someone, based on how positively or negatively individuals view themselves and others
Be able to explain and identify anti-social maintenance behaviors. Are anti-social maintenance behaviors bad for relationships? 3. Spying
Spying: - Wanting to have control over partner - Gaining information about your partner without their knowledge - Online, in person. - Reading their emails, checking their phone - Shows that you want to use the information you find to control them later - Not recommended
What is the difference between strategic maintenance and routine maintenance?
Strategic maintenance - Doing something on purpose to maintain the relationship Ex: doing something special for your partner on their birthday Routine maintenance - Most important because helps couples preserve their bond - Not intentionally trying to keep the relationship going but helps anyways Ex: cooking together, expressing happiness when you see them
Research of hookups - 4 reactions to their hookups 3. Used and confused
Used and confused - 22% - Not really into it - Emptiness, confusion, felt used - Hoping a relationship would come out of it
Flirting
Verbal and non-verbal communication behavior with potential sexual or romantic overtones that is goal-oriented. -Non-verbal flirting behaviors is more common than verbal flirting behavior. -> especially in-direct non-verbal Why are indirect non-verbal flirting behaviors most often employed? 1. Protect flirtee from possible rejection ("I was just being friendly"). 2. Face Preserving 3. gives the receiver an «out» -they can simply ignore without a verbal rejection Non-verbals are very important in flirting. Facial expression Posture Body language Tone of voice Appearance Touch
Flirting - Verbal and non-verbal strategies
Verbal strategies include - Compliments - Allowing receiver to talk about her/himself - Teasing Non-verbal strategies include - Smiling - Eye contact - Decreasing distance - Appropriate touch
Be able to explain the definition of "conflict," frequency of conflict, and common conflict issues
What is conflict? - Disagreement between two interdependent people who perceive that they have incompatible goals. - Occurs when incompatible goals are important to both partners. - Conflict does not always involve yelling or aggression. Common conflict issues 1. Household chores 2. Money 3. Jealousy 4. Sex 5. Children Frequency of conflict in romantic relationships - 1 and 3 small disagreements per week and 1 or 2 serious disagreements per month. - Some level of conflict is normal and healthy - A total lack of conflict suggests that one partner is being too passive. The way people manage conflict is more important than the frequency of conflict.
Be able to explain the problem of punctuation.
When relational partners disagree: - Punctuation: When both partners think that their negative communication is caused by the others person´s behavior (e.g., i think i act demanding because you withdraw, and think that you withdraw because i act demanding) -->>People in a conflict can't agree on the cause of their conflict. -->>This makes conflict resolution very difficult. - Couples who use the demand-withdrawal pattern may have problems of puncation, with each partner "punctuating" the cause of the conflict differently -->>>Example: One partner might say, "I have to nag you all the time because you always withdraw", whereas the other partner might say, "I have to withdraw because you are always nagging me". (Both partners blame the other for their behavior)