Family Relationships
Crack Plenty of Jokes
"A healthy sense of humor, more humor, and plenty of 'sick' humor. If you're able to drop stiff conventions and find a common denominator, you're in for the adventure of a lifetime."
. Please stop saying, "Let me ask my wife."
"A marriage isn't free reign to tell each other what to do either. I hate it when I hear the 'let me ask my wife' or 'I'm not allowed to' come out of a grown man's mouth! If you allow someone to treat you that way, YOU are the only person to blame because — and this is the most important thing I've learned in my 18 years of marriage — you teach others how to treat you, so if you don't like how you're being treated then communicate, have patience, compromise, and show respect to one another." —Michelle Lane Markgraf, married 21 years
2. Don't just love them — like them.
"After the intoxication of love and lust wear off, DO YOU LIKE THE OTHER PERSON AS A PERSON. Seems obvious you have to like who you marry, but many get carried away in the romance and whirlwind events of engagement and marriage and find out later they actually wouldn't pick their partner if hypothetically there was no attraction and they were choosing a friend. So liking your partner as a person outside of attraction is a must."
Commitment, commitment, commitment.
"Commitment. Commitment to love unconditionally Commitment to stay no matter what Commitment to happiness Commitment to growing the relationship Unmarried people think strength of love is the secret. Married people realize the secret is to choose to keep loving."—Becky Lee
Stop arguing about the same sh*t.
"Consciously try to learn from each misunderstanding/fight and try not to repeat the same fight over and over again. Don't hold a grudge and forgive quickly." —Nikhil Okhade
Keep dating each other.
"Dating is an important part of keep the relationship healthy. If you are not dating, start. Make it simple. Go to the park and eat sandwiches. Talk about good memories and future plans. Don't talk about work, breakdowns, or difficult issues Jay Pyatt
Be resilient
"I've grown up seeing the sheer resilience of my mom over the last 40 years while my dad served in the Army. Things were not always easy. I credit my mom for getting through difficult times of long separations, frequent moves (as my dad got posted from place to place), bringing up two children mostly on her own, etc. My wife is facing similar circumstances as I work abroad and she is raising our two kids back in India. So, one important factor is 'sheer resilience', there has to be a willingness to endure the most trying of circumstances on either side... If both partners are willing to endure, and more importantly, support each other through these trying times, the marriage will only grow stronger."
Ego is a murderer.
"In any argument, know when to back down. Let go of your ego. Relationships don't die. They're murdered by ego."
Have and Hold
"My father told me the short version last night. * Before you're married: have what you love. * After you're married: love what you have. This means you have to find someone you love dearly before you marry them. When you're married the grass will start to look better on the other side, but then you need to love this woman you're married to. My parents have been married for 34 years now."
. It's never you vs. your partner.
"No matter what comes at you in your relationship, (or in life) it is never you against your spouse. It is ALWAYS you and your spouse against the issue. Often we get caught up in placing blame and designating responsibility to only one person. However, when you are in a marriage, you have made a commitment to become 'one', and you are to tackle all issues Cas a unit." —Oliver Marcelle
. Validation is key.
"Recognizing how your partner feels or validating one another is an important tool. Be open and willing to respect, acknowledge and relate to your partner's feelings. Some research shows that invalidation is one of the strong predictors in relationship difficulty and failure. You're not always going to agree with a partner, but putting down or belittling a partners thoughts, feelings, actions or character just contributes to further conflict and distance. We all require to be validated." —Angela Lacalamita
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
"Respectful love. Not just love, or romantic love, but the love where you genuinely respect your spouse and who they are as a person, their feelings, their achievements, and everything they bring to the relationship. Being excited for them when they get a raise or promotion or just for putting together a book shelf. These things help to bolster their self-esteem and their perceived worth in your eyes. It also helps to create that trust, the one where you feel safe and where you can just be yourself. Knowing that at the end of the day they look forward to coming home, instead of dreading it." —Katie Bekei, married 15+ years
You have to need each other.
"The secret of marriage is need. Both partners must need each other. If one needs and the other does not, the marriage won't be happy or long."
Answer this simple question every morning.
"When you wake up in the morning, think 'WHAT CAN I DO to make HER DAY OR HIS DAY just a little happier?' You need to turn toward each other, and if you focus on the other person even just for that five minutes when you first wake up, it's going to make a big difference in your relationship. That's likely to really work for many years. So start each day thinking about what you can give that special person in your life." —Karl Pillemer
. Your partner can't read your mind.
"When you're mad or resentful, say so! Don't keep things in, or hope your partner can figure out why you're unhappy. No one can read your mind, even the one who loves you the most. When you argue, stick to what you're angry about. Don't call names, bring up old stuff or disparage your spouse. When you get to the point that you feel like walking away (and everyone does at one point or another), stop to remember at least three times your partner was the best thing in your life. Then take a deep breath, hold on to the memories of those joys, and go back to loving her/him." —Elizabeth Belden Handler, married 40 years
It's you two against the world
. "Whenever someone would ask us who was boss I would say that I let him think he was boss, then he would look upward with his eyes as if he was the one who was letting me think I was boss. The truth was, we were partners. It was us against the world. Talk to each other all the time about everything so little things don't become major issues. Play with your partner because you are best friends and really enjoy each others company. Never say the word divorce in a moment of anger. Tell you partner you love them, EVERY DAY." —Barbara Gotsopoulos
COHABITATION STATISTICS
> MORE ADULTS AGES 18-44 are COHABITATING at a higher rate than marriage >MORE ADULTS (69%) ages 18-44 believe cohabitation IS ACCEPTABLE > 53% OF ADULTS BELEIVE ....the world will be a better place if couples who WANT TO STAY TOGETHER LONG TERM will eventually get married >MARRIED COUPLES have a more positive view on HOW THINGS are GOING IN THE RELATIONSHIP -MORE SATISFIED -2/3 HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF TRUST for their PARTNER TO BE FAITHFUL, act in best interest and ALWAYS tell the truth -10 in 8 say that SOUSES IS WHO THEY FEEL CLOSTEST TO
•Satisfaction trajectories
> Multiple-wave longitudinal studies PROVIDE MOST COMPLETE VIEW OF DYNAMICS of MARITAL SATISFACTION OVER TIME > Allow scientists to use growth curve analyses to chart trajectory of CHANGE IN MARITAL SATISFACTION > Intercept = growth curve parameter that INDICATES PARTNERS' INITIAL SATISFACTION > Slope = growth curve parameter that indicates RATE OF CHANGE in partners' SUBSEQUENT SATISFACTION LEVELS
Factors associated with marital happiness
> Personal factors •TRAITS, dispositions, HABITS, BELIEFS, etc. > Relational factors •COMMUNICATION (self-disclosure), RESPONSIVENESS, exchange of REWARDS/COST, etc. >•Environmental factors •PARENTHOOD •Most studies reveal that TRANSITION TO PARENTHOOD marked by REDUCTION IN MARITAL SATISFACTION • ECONOMIC HARDSHIP •Longitudinal Iowa studies (Conger et al.) •ECONOMIC PRESSURE PRODUCES PERSONAL DISTRESS and interpersonal conflict; this, in turn, CONTRIBUTES TO MARITAL DISRESS •Social support (supportive behavior to spouse) DISRUPTS THIS HARMFUL PATTERN
The Cohabitation Effect
> Premarital Cohabitation is linked with: •POORER MARITAL COMMUNICATION quality -marital satisfaction •HIGHER levels of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE •GREATER probability of DIVORCE •
Nature of Marriage: Dimensions of Marriage
> Second Dimension : Allocation of ROLES and RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPECTATIONS > TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE •Allocated on BASIS OF BIOLOGICAL SEX >Egalitarian (peer, EQUAL-STATUS) marriage •SHARED ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITIES; actually PRETTY RARE- more often "near peer"- reality doesn't meet the ideal- dads "help" with child care and household work while wife provides financial resources; those who achieve peer experience LOW LEVELS OF ANGER AND CONFLICT •Sources > Economic •Refers to the RESPONSIBILITIES and EXPECTATIONS inherent in INDIVIDUAL CAREERS > Personal •Perception of PERSONAL and PARTNER'S ATTRACTIVENESS and competence > Affective •Ability to EFFECTIVELY PROVIDE SENSITIVE and NURTURING behaviors
Findings related to the Cohabitation Effect
> Traditionally RELIGIOUS PERSONS are LESS LIKELY to CHOHABITATE before marriage •MORE TRADITIONAL COUPLES vs EGALITARIAN couples •Individuals WITH DIVORCE PARENTS are HOR LIKELY TO COHABIT
The Actor Partner interdependence model
>Actor Effect >Partner Effect The APIM measures the IMPACT THE ACTOR AND PARTNER HAVE ON ONE ANOTHER >Collects data from the actor and partner and then come up with HOW THEY INFLUENCE EACH OTHER- lots of statistics and specific programs used to determine influence
Interdependence Theory Proposes-
>Both internal (satisfaction) and external (could choose another partner) IMPACT IF A RELATIONSHIP SURVIVES OR DIES. >The most stable relationships are those in which the partners DO NOT EXPECT A LOT (low CL) but RECIEVE A LOT - MORE REWARDS THAN COST and MORE THAN WHAT THEY EXPECTED and also perceive themselves as having few attractive alternatives (low CLalt). >These relationships work together on both levels of comparison to produce a high level of dependence- meaning they DEPEND ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP to GET THEIR NEEDS MET and they don't think anybody else will be better. DON'T THINK ANYONE ELSE WILL BE BETTER. So the dependency increases the relationships stability. Let that sink in for a bit....
After Transformation we then apply a type of formula to our relationship
>Comparison level(CL)-HOW ATTRACTIVE is the relationship compared to WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE or COMPARED TO OTHER EXPERIENCES. Does this relationship meet or exceed your expectations? If it does then the relationship CL ='s attractive or satisfying. Does your relationship fall short of your expectations? If it falls short then the CL = 's unattractive or dissatisfying.
Theory of Propinquity-3rd process theory
>Exposure Effect- MORE EXPOSURE often equals INCREASE IN ATTRACTION, increase in DEVELOPMENT of relationship Physical Proximity- the degree to which you are PHYSICALLY CLOSE to the person INCREASES THE ABILITY to be exposed and create experiences and memories. >MD state police training research example >Negative ALSO INCRAESES, not just positive...
Empirical Evidence
>Felmlee (1995,1998,2001) >How we view benefits or attributes CAN CHANGE THROUGHOUT A RELATIONSHIP. Felmless labels attributes that change as, "fatal attractions." >Example- see your partner as spontaneous and carefree and then later view those same attributes as unreliable and immature. The benefit and cost analysis may have a different outcome now... >Sedikides and colleagues (1994)- interviewed college students about what they saw as benefits and costs. **Research shows that partners ASSUME THAT EQUITY is important in a relationship, they expect to be distressed if they DON'T BELIEVE EQUITY EXISTS and they believe that efforts should be made to restore
Social Exchange Theory-second type of process Theory
>Focus is on the exchange of REWARDS and COSTS that occur between partners. >Basic shared Principles in these Social Exchange Theories- >MAXIMIZE REWARDSs, MINIMIZE Costs >Relationships are DYNAMIC >Evaluations influence relationships development >Equity is the key to happiness- terms actual equity and psychological equity(98). -ECONOMIC THEORY
History of mate selection Theories-
>History of mate selection theories were focused on how relationships moved through STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT >Problems occurred with the stages of development theories because couples GO THROUGH STAGES AT DIFFERENT TIMES than other couples and even one partner can perceive their relationship as going through a specific stage when THE OTHER PARTNER DOESN'T. >These problems with gathering research led to looking at mate selection from the perspective of a process and today the most used theories are PROCESS THEORIES.
So......
>Interdependence Theory reinforces that satisfaction/attractiveness/stability do NOT = each other. >One doesn't guarantee the other. >Relationships develop and change as the partners needs and wants change and as the life that surrounds that couple changes.
Cohesiveness and Commitment- an extension of Interdependence Theory
>Martial Cohesiveness Model- George Levinger (1965,1976) Levinger states that the strength and stability of the bond between partners is BASED UPON WHAT MOTIVATES US TO STAY and WHAT MOTIVATES US TO LEAVE . >He refers to these as INDUCEMENTS. *****Inducements to remain and inducements to leave- love, companionship, economic stability, sexual satisfaction. Inducements to remain or leave are also based on Barriers to remain and barriers to leave- feelings of OBLIGATIIONS, RELIGIOUS CONSTRAINTS, SOCIAL NORMSs etc... Cohesive- strong and stable (meaning high attraction to stay, high barriers to leaving and low attraction to being with someone else).
Empirical Support for Self-Disclosure/Intimacy Theories-
>Multiple researchers have conducted studies affirming that that SELF-DISCLOSURE plays an important role in the DEVELOPMENT and MAITANENCE of both friendships and family relationships. >Sias and Cahill (1998) >Haas and Stafford (1998) >See pages 95-96 of text >Romantic relationships and friendships have a PERCEPTION of GREATER INTIMACY the more individuals are self-disclosing in the relationship and who believe that their self-disclosure (thoughts and feelings) are understood by their partner.
Step 2-Novelty
>Novelty and then Importance (and of course part of what is novel to us is because what we think the person possesses is important to us. -We pick the person that is NOVEL to us
Interdependence Theory- 4th type of process theory
>Thibaut and Kelley (1959)- what you THINK, FEEL, AND DO impacts your partner and impacts you as well. >Over time each partner CAN'T TOTALLY ACHIEVE all of their personal plans because THEY ARE IMPACTED BY THEIR partner and their partner is impacted by them so the focus becomes on WHAT THEY CAN ACCOMPLISH TOGETER and what they want their JOINT OUTCOMES to be...this process is referred to as - >Transformation- Transformation is when the COUPLE JOINS TOGETHER in their STRENGTHS and DESIRES and produces JOINT COMPROMISES that result in the relationship experiencing satisfaction and enhanced levels of commitment. So, overtime partners coordinate their behaviors to achieve JOINT BENEFICIAL OUTCOMES.
Flirting and conveying your interest
>initiating a relationship (the first date) -Signal Amplification Bias, First Date scripts, and why we want to go on these dates >Intensifying a relationship -Frequency of contact, TALKING MORE and declaring our love, tokens of affection and the support of our peeps >
Baumeister and Leary (1995)
>over evolutionary time our species developed a fundamental powerful need to seek and maintain a number of lasting interpersonal relationships and they gathered a lot of evidence to support their perspective -People form social bonds QUICKLY & EASILLY -Social attachments exerts substantial influence on how people think, and RELATIONSHIP ISSUES ARE THE FOCUS of much of our cognitive activity. -Social bonds are strongly associated with people's emotional states-how they feel. - one isn't completely filled by multiple frequent interactions with casual partners that lack intimate interactions OR by intimate interactions without frequent interactions. ****We have to connect frequently and intimately for a consistent time frame to feel connected. (friendships as well)
Social Proximity ad Social Influence
>we often meet potential partners THROUGH OUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS (friendships, coworkers, family sets us up etc....) and we really want to approach someone ON OUR OWN THAT WE ARE HIGHLY ATTRACTED TO (because then our motivation is high right?!...) > when we have assessed a HIGH LEVEL of receptiveness- they WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY to our approach.
Step 3 -attraction
>what we deem as physical beauty >Brain sees them as "physically good", meaning they have POSSITIVE ATTRIBUTES and they will be "SUCESSFUL IN LIFE" >Physiological response >Desirable characteristics not just for self preservation, but because of what's important to us >want them to fit in our social and cultural fit >we like those that are FAMILIAR TO US >Responsiveness with responsiveness, we gather DATA
Know that there's more to learn about each other.
A constant interest in learning about your partner: asking questions, creating love maps, checking in with curiosity on your partner's world to enhance your knowledge of each other and your relationship together"
Mental Representation relationship Schema
A relationship HAS A MEMORY >We make a FILE FOLDER of who the person is in our heads, what our EXPERIENCES HAVE BEEN with that person and these are COGNITIVE and organized in our memories. >This mental representation is formed with each interaction and it SEPERATES THE RELATIONSHIP FROM ROLE BASED INTERACTIONS
Relationship Science
A relatively new multidisciplinary field of inquiry specifically addressed to developing a systematic body of knowledge about interpersonal relationships
Go bungee-jumping.
According to Psychology Today, couples can IMPROVE THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER when they spend their time together exploring NEW AND CHALLANGING ACTIVITIES If you're going to go bungee jumping for the first time, your relationship will benefit when you and your partner face this challenge together. If you're not up to bungee jumping, seek out mentally challenging ways to spice up your daily routines."
John Bowlby
Attachment theory. Identified the characteristics of a child's attachment to his/her caregiver and the phases that a child experiences when separated from the caregiver. >Reinforces that we do need contact with other people, if we DONT GET THIS AT INFANCY, WE WILL NOT THRIVE >Human beings also like consistency
Relationships
Based on History, memories (must keep memories built) Time, Energy Vulnerability >risk taking Emotions
Responsiveness
Caregivers recognize & responds to monitor the infants cues
social network
Close associates to whom you regularly interact >Physically and mentally healthier and live longer than those with smaller social groups
descriptive research
Descriptive- NO MANIPULATION of variables- just participants DESCRIPTIONS OF RELATIONSHIP experiences. This is free response data that the researcher then codes and assigns a numerical value to. Examples of descriptive research- 1. NATURALISTIC or OBSERVATIONAL data- detailed observations of the participants. 2.SURVEY research- creating and administering questionnaires. ARCHIVAL research- pulling past data that has been collected.
Times Series Analysis
Directly OBSERVE two people INTERACTING OVER TIME and then examine their interaction patterns FOR SIGNS OF MUTUAL INFLUENCE >The idea is that a person's behavior is often INFLUENCED BY his or her PREVIOUS BEHAVIOR >Interdependence or MUTUAL INFLUENCE is established by determining that the behavior of each partner is better predicted by the OTHER PERSON'S PREVIOUS BEHAVIOR then by their own previous behavior
social integration
Extent of a person's social ties, or connections >Research shows that a lack of this is associated with higher risk of disease >The lack of social integration means you are more likely to die early
COUPLES who COHABITATE with a plan.....
Have HIGHER Satisfaction than couples who DO NOT HAVE PLANS TO GET MARRIED
face perceptual system
Infants have some degree of perceptual knowledge of faces, the infant is able to acquire certain facts about how a face is supposed to look Empathic accuracy- the ability to accurately decode the meaning or infer the content of another person's thoughts and feelings. Language- research showing that language is hard wired creating the ability for the infant to communicate thereby displaying that we are build to build connection and come equipped to communicate.
cohabitating women than men
MORE LIKELY TO SAY LOVE was a FACTOTR FOR THEM MOVING IN TOGETHER
Three types of relationships
Mating Family or kinship Friendship
Relationship Science research
Much of what is written on relationships is not research based so it is important that we provide researched based information on relationship develop and maintenance and struggles to longevity. Good solid research must have the following: Hypothesis- a testable prediction about the relationship between two or more variables. It's really important that we form testable hypothesis when researching relationships so we get quality results that can be replicated. A research question is a more general question that specifies variables but does not make predictions like a hypothesis. We need to know the difference between a hypothesis and a research question. It can be difficult to analyze relationships so starting with a clear hypothesis or research question is important. We also need to operationalize our variables by creating an exact, specific and concrete definition of them. Multi-operationalize: using multiple measure in collecting data. Employing multiple measures increases the likelihood of determining the meaning of the variables you are looking at.
we tend to marry people of the same...
Physical Attraction childhood experiences Geograpgic location Socio economic status Family of orgin similar culture/ethnic background Religious framework culture ***we grow up in a culture that shows us who we should date
Intimacy Theory
Reis and colleagues (1988) >It's about the partners respond to the depth and breadth of self-disclosure that moves a relationship forward- not just the ACT OF SHARING, but the RESPONSE TO SHARING. >ATTENTIVE and SUPPORTIVE responses encourage the growth of intimacy- responses can be verbal and/or non-verbal responses. Prager and Roberts (2004) Determined behavioral cures that signal attentiveness and responsiveness: eye contact, open body language, mood and affect, talking longer, tone of voice, pauses, silences and laughter to name a few...
Process Theories
Relationships develop gradually over time- changing in intimacy, self-disclosure, exchange of benefits and costs and the interpersonal dynamics that occur between the partners. Self-Disclosure and Intimacy Theories- First example of Process Theory *Social Penetration Theory Altman and Taylor (1973) Mutual reciprocity Focuses on the reciprocal exchange of information as being what causes a relationship to develop. Terms: Depth and Breadth-STARTS OUT SUPERFICIAL and INCREASES IN INTIMACY causing the relationship to progress.
The Approach
Research shows that who we actually end up approaching is largely based on ACESSIBILITY and RECEPTIVITY. > you can really dislike someone after repeated exposures as well... >Social Proximity ad Social Influence-
conclusion of dating
So it has very little to do with naked babies flying through the air shooting us with love arrows and much more about WHAT WE BECOME EDUCATED ON, learn and implement skills about and therefore increase the likelihood of our success-
Social integration
Social cohesion Social networks Loneliness
Think before you speak."
The 'think before you speak' rule is the secret recipe for a long-lasting marriage. Have a good communication habit with your partner. Talk through your problems in the right way. Work out together how to improve things in your relationship rather than going on the defensive." —Elarie Mashi
Direct causation requires a true experiment
The research manipulates the casual variable meaning they get a bunch of groups of participants who have different levels of this variable and their measure -NOT EASY
Relationship
The state of interdependence that arises from ONGOING INTERACTIONS and they have a relationship based upon the extent that they interact and MUTUALLY INFLUENCE each other.
Correlational Research
This involves measuring the different identified variables and looking for evidence of an ASSOCIATION BETWEEN THEM This is NOT CAUSE AND EFFECT determining but rather do these variables covary (hang out in a statistically significant manner). 3 types of correlation- Positive correlation- they covary in a POSITIVE MANNER meaning as one increases so does the other. Example- marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are positively correlated. Negative correlation- they covary NEGATIVELY- one increases and the other decreases. Example- there is a negative correlation between martial satisfaction and length of marriage. Zero correlation-the two variables are UNRELATED and haveNO EFFECT ON ONE ANOTHER .Example-just about no correlation between the height of spouses and their marital satisfaction **Remember correlational studies can establish covariation but not causation**
AMID CHANGES in marriage and cohabitation
WIDE ACCEPTANCE of COHABITATION > as many Americans see SOCIETAL BENEFITS IN MARRIAGE
Steps to dating
We have to notice someone EXISTS
Actor Effect
What we experience in a relationship is in part based upon OUR OWN CHRACTERISTICS or properties
Lonliness
When we don't get the social integration, we are more likely to experience loneliness >loneliness KILLS
Interdependence
When we influence the person(s) we interact with and THEY IN TURN INFLUENCE US . A back and fourth OSCILLATING RHYTHM of MUTUAL INFLUENCE OCCURS OVERTIME creating this interdependence INTER: MUTUAL, reciprocity, between or among DEPENDENCE : RELY ON, be influenced, or controlled by
Who did you notice more ?
Who is NOVEL to us- who stands out and IS DIFFERENT in some (physically, behaviors, how their voice sounds etc....). >SOMETHING MAKES THEM STAND OUT TO US and this makes them novel to us. >NOVELTY is built in to our make-up in terms of self-preservation. If we don't notice what is different, we might not be able to stay safe, to successfully predict harm.We use this same built in mechanism to pick out a potential mate from a crowd.
Interactive episode
an isolated or SET OF EXCHANGES that occurs within a SPAN OF TIME
social competence
combination of communication abilities combines with their intellect >If you have a responsive caregiver, you will have high social competence
Comparison Level for Alternatives(CLalt)-
comparing to what you think you could get in another relationship. If your EXPECTATAIONS ARE MET OR EXCEEDED then you determine that, well no one compares...a low level of CLalt BUT if your relationship expectations ARE NOT MET then you have a HIGH LEVEL OF CLalt....
INCLUSION OF SELF
how we influence each other DIVERSITY of influence -We wanna give them lots of ways to to love us , division of duties STRENGHTH of influence -ongoing dating, how we communicate and value each other DURATION of influence FREQUENCY of influence -building memories
Harry Harlow- Monkeys/Mommas
reinforced that touch and consistency matters When you have attachment and physical touch, you have an overall healthy relationship.
Allen csoufe (2005)
securely attached infants had greater independence and self reliance level >Greater capacity for emotional regulation and social competence
Mary Ainsworth
strange situation Bowbly's student >Shows that interdependence starts in early childhood
Partner effect
the PARTNER'S CHRACTERISTICS and its impact on the relationship
role-based interactions
the behavior or the people involved are BASED ON EXPECTATIONS- social norms or "rules" of behavior. ****Many of our interactions with others are role based interactions and interactive episodes- NOT RELATIONSHIPS
Konrad Lorenz and imprinting
the process by which certain animals form attachments during a critical period very early in life -comes from earlier memories and experiences
Alternatives to Marriage
¨Cohabitation ¤Partners LIVE TOGETHER (cohabit) and COORDINATE their ECONOMIC, SOCIAL SEXUAL/REPRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES ¤NOT LEGALLY FORMALIZED (in most countries) ¤Currently in the U.S., DIFFERENT STATES HAVE VARIATIONS on the LEGAL RIGHTS and privileges afforded to COHABITATING PARTNERS (heterosexual and same-sex) COMMON LAW Marriage > Couples AGREE TO LIVE TOGETHER as husband and wife for EXTENSIVE PERIOD OF TIME > DECLARED THEMSELVES TO BE spouses to the community
Ambiguity of Cohabitation
•Cohabitation is an AMBIGIOUS STATE of COMMITMENT •How is cohabitation more ambiguous than marriage? BECAUSE WE DONT SET ANY GOALS FOR COHABITATION
•Fidelity
•Definition: CONDINEMENT OF SEXUAL ACTIVITIES to the MARITAL RELATIONSHIP •Survey data reveal STRONG CROSS-CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS about MARITAL SEXUAL EXCLUSIVITY or fidelity- 24 countries most said INFIDELITY IS WRONG •Men relatively MORE PERMISSIVE THAN WOMEN
The Nature of Marriage
•Definition: SOCIALLY-SANCTIONED, LONG-TERM MATING ARRANGMENT involving ECONOMIC, SOCIAL, and REPRODUCTIVE COOPERATION between partners •"RULES" of marriage •MONOGAMY •Other systems exist •But MONOGOMY IS THE MOST COMMONLY PRACTICED form of marriage •SERIAL MONOGAMY/pairbonding COMMON IN MOST HUMAN SOCIETIES
Exogamy
•Definition: Tendency for PEOPLE TO MARRY of THEIR OWN FAMILAR or KINSHIP group •ALL CULTURES have SOME TYPE OF TYPE OF INCEST TABOO PROHIBITING INTERCOURSE between closely related individuals
Homogamy
•Definition: Tendency for SIMILAR INDIVIDUALS to PAIRBOND •Also called ASSORTMENT
Cross-cultural implications
•In countries WHERE COHABITATION IS INSTITUTIONALIZED the HAPPINESS GAPS DISAPEARS or is EVEN REVERSED •Cohabitation is LESS ACCEPTED in SOCIETIES WITH HIGH LEVELS OF RELIGIOUSITY •SMALLER HAPPINESS GAPS in more EGALITARIAN SOCIETIES
Marriage and well-being
•Marriage IMPROVES PHYSICAL and SUBJECTIVE WELLBEING >Marriage provides: •ECONOMIC STABILITY •SOCIAL STABILITY
•Types of contemporary marriage
•Marriages DIFFER ALONG A NUMBER OF DIMENSIONS >First Dimension: PERSONAL CHOICE in spouse selection > COLLECTIVISTS cultures •LESS FREEDOM (typically) •ARRANGED MARRIAGES MORE COMMON; more OFTEN SEEN in TRADITIONAL ASIAN and MIDDLE EASTERN, South American societies •Marriage SEEN AS A WAY TO UNITE FAMILIES and MAINTAIN SOCIAL ORDER > INDIVIDUALISTS cultures •MORE FREEDOM (typically) •FREE CHOICE (love-based) marriage MORE COMMON •Emphasis on FULFILLMENT OF PERSONAL GOALS; personal compatibility and MUTUAL ATTRACTION between partners important "LOVE" IS IMPORTANT
Satisfaction trajectories (cont.) Research reveals:
•Most newlyweds begin with "HONEYMOON" period (high satisfaction levels) •LEVELS DECLINE during NEXT SEVERAL YEARS •LEVELS STABILIAZE (often between 4th and 6th year of marriage) •Levels THEN CONTINUE TO DECLINE •Husbands and wives SHOW SAME CHANGES OVER TIME •Couples who are LESS SATISFIED initially SHOW STEEPER DECLINES in satisfaction over time > Most spouses REMAIN COLLECTIVELY CONTENT (satisfaction DECREASES OVERTIME but remains ABOVE AVERAGE at all assessment points)
Unique interactions must occur
•Relationships are unique in that they involve repeated interactions over a long duration of time (Hinde,1979; Homans 1979). The interactions MUST BE UNIQUE meaning that the way the two people interact is different from the way they interact with others and is different from the way another dyad or couple interacts. The interactions are not role-based. •Interaction is A NECESSARY CONDITION FOR A RELATIONSHIP to exist. -two people SELDOM INTERACT they DO NOT have much of a relationship no interaction whatsoever = no relationship regardless of what they themselves might say or wish to believe(Regan, page 6, 2011)."
The nature of marriage : Understanding the rules
•SOCIAL CONTEXT THEORIES •MATING BEHAVIOR is INFLUENCED BY FORCES LOVCATED in CONTEMPORARY ENVIRONMENT •E.g., Social exchange models •MATE SELECTION PROCESS RESEMBLES "marketplace" in which PEOPLE SEEK MAXIMAL REWARDS but are CONSTRAINED BY their OWN ASSETS •RESULTS IN HOMOGAMY, etc. •EVOLUTIONARY MODELS •Mating behavior is INFLUENCED BY THE (EVOLVED) design of the HUMAN MIND •That is, by PSYCHOLOGICAL HEURISTICS that WERE SELECTED because they OVERCAME OBSTACLES to SURVIVAL and REPRODUCTION in the ancestral past and ALLOWED EARLY HUMANS to make "APPROPRIATE" MATING DECISIONS > Human design FAVORS FORMATION OF ENDURING mating relationships CHRACTERIZED BY MONOGAMY, HOMOGAMY
Cohabitation
•Serves VARIOUS FUNCTIONS •REPLACEMENT FOR MARRIAGE when MARRIAGE NOT DESIRIABLE/possible •PHASE or STAGE OF RELATIONSHIP development •"TRIAL RUN" for marriage •Associated with MORE EQUAL DIVISION of HOUSEHOLD LABOR
Three components to a relationship
•Two people must INTERACT and INFLUENCE each other's behaviors- interdependent. •The interaction must be UNIQUE and based on SOCIAL ROLES AND NORMS •The interaction history must have MENTAL REPRESENTATION (a relationship schema exists-there is an organized cognitive memory built around the interactions that influences future interactions.
Marital Satisfaction
•Typically HIGH AMONG MOST COUPLES; husband and wives EQUALLY SO •Many scientists INTERESTED IN SATISFACTION OVER TIME Methodological approaches: > Cross-sectional studies •Relatively EASY •Suffer from COHORT EFFECTS •Longitudinal studies •DIFFICULT •Provide BEST PICTURE OF CHANGE OVER TIME •Growth Curve analysis
Division of labor
•Typically REFLECTS TRADITIONAL SEX ROLES (EVEN WHEN marriage is EGALITARIAN) •Husbands = OUTSIDE TASKS •Wives = INSIDE TASKS •Heterosexual married women SPEND 3x MORE TIME ON DOMESTIC TASKS THAN do HETEROSEXUAL MARRIED MEN and PARTNERD MEN and WOMEN •Even in DUAL-EARNER marriages >The "second shift" for women - first shift: CAREER and EXTERNAL RESPONSIBILITIES; - second shift: HOUSEHOLD and FAMILY RELATED DUTIES •Men and women in UPPER SES express A DESIRE TO SHARE PAID AND UNPAID LABOR TOGETHE couples with LESS EDUCATION/less skilled occupations TEND TO FAVOR SPECIALIZED GENDER ROLES •As long as BOTH SPOUSES PERCIEVE DIVISION AS FAIR, likely to be SATISFIED
Changes in the Nature of Marriage
•Worldwide DECLINE IN MARRIAGE RATES •INCREASING AGE at FIRST MARRIAGE •GROWING EMPHASIS ON HAPPINESS and PERSONAL FULFILLMENT (love) as BASIS FOR MARRIAGE •Studies by Kephart (1967), Simpson et al. (1986), Levine et al. (1995) •DECREASED NO. IN ARRANGED MARRIAGES in COLLECTIVISTS CULTURES
