interQUIZ12

friendships

Although much of the turning point research focuses on romantic relationships, some research looks at turning points in friendships, and particularly in the termination of (X)

avoiding

At this stage even the pretense of polite formality is gone. The characteristic of this stage is eliminating any form of face-to- face or voice-to-voice interaction. The underlying message is, "I don't want to see you or talk with you." Communication is usually limited to unavoidable situations and then is usually direct, brief, and to the point.

circumscribing

By now, the pet names were distant memories, as was the idea of planning a weekend or a party together. Lisa sometimes stayed with her good friend who lived close to work so she wouldn't face the long commute home late at night. Steve visited his family on weekends while Lisa shopped or traveled to see her friends who had moved out of state. Steve sometimes looked at the apartment section of the paper, curiously wondering what a place of his own would cost him. However, in the current economy, he didn't think he could cover expenses and student loans on his own. Unbeknown to him, Lisa had considered the same idea, but figured she could only economically afford to live with a roommate or with her parents. Well, Steve is like a roommate, she figured.

avoiding

By the time Lisa brought up the idea of divorce, Steve figured it had been a long time coming. They saw each other infrequently, but even when they were together, they didn't interact like people who were interested in being together. They drove first to see his family and told them across the dining room table, in carefully chosen words. Then they went to see her family for a repeat performance. No one was surprised. Lisa was aware that that trip was the first time in months they had been to their in-laws' homes. It was not lost on Steve that Lisa suggested they take separate cars so they could get on with their own plans after the painful conversations. The divorce was granted a short time later.

experimenting

Eventually Lisa was able to tell just by looking at Steve whether he had a good or bad day. The two had begun to call each other by special nicknames and had begun talking about each other to new friends and family as each other's partners, almost without realizing they were using the title of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." They shared many of their hopes and future plans easily, but they also took some risks in the information they disclosed. For example, Steve shared, somewhat haltingly, with Lisa that his real dream was to own his own consulting firm. He paused after he told her, knowing how hard it is to start a business and waiting to see if she laughed. Instead, she told him it was great and responded with her secret hope to use her degree to make a difference at the animal shelter where she did volunteer work.

differentiating

Eventually Lisa was working late almost every night, and Steve was spending more time skiing on weekends with his buddies, not with her. When they did have time together, they watched a lot of television and rental movies, almost as though they didn't want to have to talk to each other. Steve stopped asking what time Lisa would leave work, and Lisa stopped asking if Steve would accompany her to a social event on the weekends. Instead, they talked about the change in the trash collection schedule for their neighborhood and the merits of whole wheat versus all-bran breads. Steve thought these conversations made it seem almost as if they were strangers.

intrapersonal

First, some turning points are (X) ; they are events in which the individuals cognitively evaluate the relationship (e.g., one person concludes privately that she has met the "perfect mate").

Stabilized friendship

In some relationships, this stage can last decades. When the friendship stabilizes, it has progressed to the greatest degree of closeness that it will achieve, and the energy is on maintaining that degree of closeness. In addition to openly talking about "the friendship," the friends put greater emphasis on trusting behavior and trustworthy behavior. The friends usually distinguish among levels of friendship: best, casual, and so forth.

Role-limited interaction

In the first stages of friendship, the initial interactions are characterized by the use of standard social roles and rules — general politeness behaviors. Basically, at this stage, we treat each other as we would treat any other general member of society. But we are clearly interested in the possibility that this relation- ship can become something more.

Moves toward friendship

In this stage one or both partners invite the other to engage in brief interactions or activities that fall outside the other role relationships in the previous stage. For example, you may ask a classmate to a movie or out for dinner. You may ask your hair stylist if he wants to go to a sporting event. In this stage of friendship, people engage in more self-disclosure and start to compare basic views of the world. Significant self-disclosure begins, and the potential friends begin to get a much better understanding of how each sees their world.

differentiating

In this stage partners become more aware of and focused on their differences. For example, they may realize that they have different attitudes or values. Their communication starts to focus more on how they are different than how they are similar. The language changes from "we" back to "me," and there tends to be an increase in overt conflict. In addition, the partners start to be- come more self-protective or guarded and engage in less disclosure.

initiating

In this stage, the partners do not know one another. Thus, the stage is mainly about first encounters where the focus is on presenting self as attractive. In this stage, the communication is usually conventional, involving ritualistic greeting and conversation behavior. The interaction is predictable, narrowly focused on certain topics, and often fairly awkward. Between long pauses while they both pretended to seem interested in other students, Steve and Lisa each disclosed their previous schools, in which towns they lived, and their intended majors. Although he was glad he had approached her, Steve was also aware of the energy it takes to make small talk with strangers. Lisa noted during their conversation that she and Steve had the same focus in the communication major, so they would probably see each other in many classes. Although the conversation was halting and not smooth, the two strangers developed a rapport and chatted over breaks during the orientation session. Over the next few weeks, Steve and Lisa saw each other frequently in class and started having lunch together.

Friendly relations

In this stage, we move from a "civil stranger" mode of interaction to a "friendly acquaintance" stage. These interactions usually occur within other relationships (e.g., classmates, banker and businessperson), but through these basic ex- changes, people move into an acquaintance stage marked by some more personal knowledge and generally pleasant interaction.

intensifying

Just as the name suggests, in this stage, the relationship (X), with partners becoming "close friends" and having a greater awareness of and active participation in the relationship. The partners often self- disclose a great deal but are somewhat cautious about it. They may self-disclose but wait for the other to reciprocate before continuing. They often shift to informal forms of ad- dress and start talking about "we" rather than "me." There may be occasional expressions of commitment to the relationship and the development of shorthand language. The relational partners are often becoming fairly sophisticated about reading the other partner's nonverbal communication.

stagnating

Lately, when Lisa wasn't going to make the trip home after a late night, she would call Steve's cell phone, knowing he turned it off in the evening, and leave her message there. That way, she reasoned, he wouldn't worry, but she also wouldn't have to explain another night of working late. When they were both home together, and those times were rare, Steve would fall asleep on the couch after busying himself in the family room for hours. Lisa would call her friends, or garden, or take long bubble baths.

initiating

Lisa caught Steve's attention as soon as she walked into the orientation session for transfer students. She was just finishing signing in when Steve, milling about with the other students waiting for the presentation to start, grinned at her. She smiled back and patted her hair into place while he walked over and introduced himself. Lisa responded by sharing her name and shaking hands. "Great name tag," Steve said, silently wishing he had a more clever conversation starter. Lisa laughed, trying to make him feel at ease.

stagnating

Once a relationship has reached this stage, the relational partners have put a great deal of distance between themselves and are merely coexisting, often for practical reasons. The partners are locked into a guarded and usually unsatisfactory relationship marked by cautious language choice and topic avoidance. One clue that this stage is occurring is that the partners begin using "formal" or "polite" ways of interacting — the kinds of communication they use with strangers on the street or mere acquaintances.

turning point

Originally conceived by Bolton, a (X) refers to a transformative event that alters the relationship in some way. A range of events may propel the relation- ship toward greater or lesser commitment. Generally these turning points can be grouped into four categories.

intensifying

Steve and Lisa dated happily for the rest of the school year. Over the winter break, the couple went skiing together and had a great time. Neither had other friends with whom they could ski, so they were happy to continue to make plans to nurture this shared interest. In the summer, Steve decided to complete his internship close to home, so he could keep seeing Lisa and not have to do the "long-distance relationship thing," as he called it. By the end of the fall term, Steve was sure he was smitten. No one else could make him as happy as Lisa did, and their relationship was special, unique. He proposed, surprising Lisa with an engagement ring on the first ski trip of the season.

circumstantial

The fourth category of turning point events is (X), that is, events that are more or less beyond the control of the parties (e.g., physical separations related to work or school in different geographic locations).

integrating

The happy couple graduated in May and married in July, sharing their happiness with friends and family in a big, festive ceremony. They went on to live happily ever after. Or did they?

circumscribing

The main characteristic of this stage is a constriction of communication and information. As partners begin to question the relationship and the relational partner, they may feel that open communication is risky. As a result, they tend to reduce topics of communication in terms of depth and breadth. They talk about safe issues, and even then are quite guarded in what they will disclose. In most cases, the topic of the relationship itself becomes off-limits.

dyadic

The second category is (X) events, that is, events that are centered in the interaction between partners. A large number of (X) turning point events have been identified in the literature, including those interaction events important because they enabled the parties to become familiar with one another (e.g., the first date); those occasions in which a pair was able to have private "couple time" together; events such as the decision to live together or to become engaged; and events in which partners broke off their relationship and then made up again.

integrating

The shift to this stage is very important and is often seen as the cross from a nonintimate to an intimate relationship. At this stage, the partners have decided to become a couple, sharing all levels of intimacy. They cultivate and emphasize common interests and activities. They see themselves as different from others, as special, and they often exchange intimacy symbols or trophies like rings and pictures. In many cases the partners may decide to share property; for ex- ample, they may rent or buy a house together or purchase a dog together.

Stages of Coming Together

The stages of coming together involve the process of in- creasing intimacy.

social network members

The third category of turning point events consists of those situated in interactions with (X) — for example, the presence of former romantic partners, competing demands for time from friends, meeting the partner's family for the first time, or experiencing objections to the relationship from family or friends.

Nascent friendship

There is a point in every friendship when the partners actually start thinking of themselves as "friends" — perhaps not close friends or best friends, but friends nonetheless. This internal labeling is critical because it signals that they believe they should be acting toward the other in a "friendly" manner, distinct from how they treat acquaintances or strangers. The new friends try to cease all of the previous role interactions they once had, which can cloud the new friendship status; for example, they no longer stress the role of classmates but emphasize the role of friends.

bonding

This stage involves the formalized public commitment of the relationship. People may have a marriage ceremony or a partnership ceremony of some sort.

Waning friendship

When the friendship has been violated or the reasons for the friendship have decreased, or challenges to the friendship have increased, friendships may wane and end. Usually they end without formal announcement, just decreased activity and contact. There has been surprisingly little research about what actually kills a friendship. One study by Michael Argyle and Monika Henderson (1991) found that certain "offenses" are often cited as reasons that friendships wane or are actively terminated: Acting jealous or being critical of your relationship Discussing with others what your friend said in confidence Not volunteering help in time of need, Not trusting or confiding in your friend, Criticizing your friend in public, Not showing positive regard for your friend, and Not standing up for your friend in his or her absence

experimenting

When we are (X) , we are trying to discover the unknown and to establish whether there is interest in forming a deeper relationship. In this stage, the interactants often exchange demo- graphic information, look for topics of common interest, and engage in small talk.

Stages of Coming Apart. Just as there are five stages of coming together, there are five (X) Steve and Lisa, newlyweds, thought their first ski trip of their first year of married life would be wonderful. They had both been working hard in their careers and were looking forward to some couple time together. However, all was not bliss in their world. Although Steve was happy that Lisa had gotten the job she wanted after graduation, he resented the number of overtime hours she regularly worked. When he mentioned it to her, they argued about which was more important

her career or their marriage. Of course, there was no good answer to satisfy either partner once they were upset. For her part, Lisa was noticing that Steve often seemed to forget to tell her about things they normally discussed without hesitation, like his plans for his own business. They were fighting more, she rationalized, and he might not want to talk about his goals right after an argument. During the ski trip, both partners tried to feel connected and close, but Steve became increasingly annoyed that Lisa didn't want to ski more challenging trails and that she was content to stay on what he called the bunny slopes. Lisa was surprised at how challenging he wanted the trip to be. Weren't they here to relax? He never seemed to behave like this before.

terminating

the complete and formal dissolution of the relationship. At this stage there is a decision to terminate and a public pronouncement. In the next section we talk about this stage in more detail.