Lost in Yonkers

JAY: He's afraid of her. Same as aunt bella. Aunt Bella couldn't count so good, so instead of two scoops of ice cream in a soda, she'd put 3 or 4 for the same price and if grandma saw it... Whack! Another couple IQ points gone... here, look at this (Takes a photo of the mantle) Aunt Gert. Bad lungs. She can't talk right. She says the first half of sentence breathing out and the second half sucking in.

ARTY: Come on do it!

LOUIE: Pick it up, Jay. It ain't gonna bite you. You won't be happy till you pick it up. Go ahead, kid. Pick it up. JAY: I really don't want to.

ARTY: Come on, Jay. Please pick it up.

JAY: I'd hate coming here if it was cool. Pop doesn't even like to come and it's his own mother. I was afraid of her when I was a kid. She'd come out of that door with a limp and a cane and look like she was going to kill you. When I was five, I drew a picture of her and called it "Frankenstein's Grandma"

ARTY: Did she ever see it?

JAY: Gee, thats swell, Aunt bella

ARTY: Have you met anybody yet?

BELLA: I didn't mind. And he has to— he's an usher... and he looks so wonderful in his uniform.

ARTY: He's an usher?

LOUIE: You're my brother's kids, you think I'm gonna get you involved in something stupid? Don't be stupid, there's a couple of guys who don't like me cause I've been seeing a lady I shouldn't be seein. A little nighborhood problem... okay, its late. I'm gonna go wash up. Oh and one more thing... don't touch this. (points to a black satchel) I got my valuables in there. My wallet, my draftcard, my good cuff links. (He exits)

ARTY: He's incredible! It's like having a James Cagney movie in our own house.

BELLA: Of course you are. My cousins, my nephews, my boys. Come here and give your aunt bella a kiss (She sets her bag down and pulls the boys into her arms and kisses them on the head) Let me look at you. You got so much bigger. You're growing up so fast, It almost makes me cry.. Where's your father? Eddie! It's Bella.. Is he here?

ARTY: He´s in there talking to grandma.

LOUIE: How's your pop? Mom tells me he's in the junk business. Is that right, Arty?

ARTY: Huh?

LOUIE: Are you deaf or something? (to Arty) Is he deaf or something? Did you hear a word I just said?

ARTY: I caught most of it.

LOUIE: Damn right.

ARTY: I didn't know pop was like that.

LOUIE: Don't repeat that word around anyone again, you understand?

ARTY: I didn't mean to say it. I was thinking of hunchback!

JAY: Like all of them-- like Aunt Bella. She's a little... (points to his head) you know... closed for repairs.

ARTY: I don't care. I like her nicer than "hot house grandma"

LOUIE: Okay, so its medium... So what do you think is in the bag? ...Money? ...Fives and tens and twenties and hundreds all stuck together with rubber bands? WHAT?? ...I said WHAT!!

ARTY: I don't know.

JAY: The blackstudebaker. It's the two guys who came looking for Uncle Louie. They look like killers to me... What do you think they want?

ARTY: I don't know... let's give em grandma.

BELLA: Arty?

ARTY: I have very short conversations with her.

BELLA: And how old are you boys now? About 20?

ARTY: I'm 13 and a half

LOUIE: Too bad. I need someone who can drive a car.

ARTY: I'm a pretty good rollerskater.

LOUIE: 37. That's right. Good guess. You're on Louie's payroll now (hands them a 5 dollar bill). Now Arty, can you drive a car?

ARTY: I'm only 13 and half.

JAY: I hate coming here, don't you?

ARTY: It's hot. I'm so Hot. (In front of a fan)

LOUIE: That's right. You're Arty. I want you to go over and pick up the black bag.

ARTY: Jay is closer.

Scene 3

ARTY: Jay! Hurry up! What if grandma wakes up? This is crazy. Why would she hide money in the store?

LOUIE: No, no... Arty, come here.

ARTY: Me?

BELLA: Well, let's not tell her I'm here yet; then you won't be able to visit. I bet I look much older to you two. Do I? The truth -- tell me. JAY: I don't think so.

ARTY: No

LOUIE: (glares at him) Whos been telling you stories like that? Jay?

ARTY: No I swear

JAY: Is she coming up?

ARTY: No shes walking passed the house.

JAY: Get out of there. They just keep circling and circling. Aren't you afraid of guys like that?

ARTY: No, I lived up here for a month. I can take anything

LOUIE: Is it heavy?

ARTY: No.

LOUIE: Is it light?

ARTY: No.

BELLA: I was hoping you'd say that. I'm 35 and I don't even look it, do I? JAY: No

ARTY: Not to me

LOUIE: Yeah? What'd they look like?

ARTY: One had a broken nose and the other one had-

LOUIE: You don't know... well, then, maybe you'd better look in the bag and see.. Why don't you do that, Arty? ...Open the bag... okay?

ARTY: Please, Uncle Louie—

LOUIE: ...a betty garble tie.

ARTY: Right.

JAY: Yeah, did you ever notice how there's something wrong with everyone on Pop's side of the family? Mom used to tell me that.

ARTY: She didn't tell me. Like who?

JAY: I didn't say she wasn't nice. But she's got marbles rolling around up there... Mom said she got that way because when she was a kid grandma kept hitting her in the head every time she did something stupid which only made her stupider.

ARTY: She wasn't stupid at making great ice cream sodas.

JAY: Hooray! Wonderful! She's 35 years old and can make ice cream sodas. They don't give highschool diplomas for getting the cherry on top of the whipped cream.

ARTY: She went to high school?

BELLA: Anyway, we went out later for some coffee.. And we went for walks in the park and down by the river. And today, just like in the movies, at exactly two o'clock or two-fifteen.. Or two thirty.. He asked me to marry him. And I said I would have to think it over but the answer was yes.

ARTY: That was pretty quick thinking it over.

LOUIE: These fingers were touched by genius. I could have been a concert violinist, but the handkerchief kept fallin' off my neck.

ARTY: There were 2 men here the other day looking for you.

LOUIE: Tell you what—how do you like to work for me? Five bucks a week, split between you, cash on the barrel. Only first you gotta guess what number I'm thinking of. But you guess wrong and the deals off... Take a guess, boys.

ARTY: Three

JAY: Uncle Louie?! No kidding! Arty, it's Uncle Louie.

ARTY: Uncle Louie? Really...hey, Uncle Louie (slowly approach)

BELLA: And his name is Johnny. I always thought I would marry somebody named Johnny!

ARTY: What a great guess.

JAY: Hey Arty, there's that car again.

ARTY: What car?

EDDDIE: (off stage) You kids all right? Arty why are you laying on the floor? You'll crease your pants. You want grandma to see you with creased pants?

ARTY: Whats he want me to do carry an iron with me?

LOUIE: Is that Arty?

ARTY: Yeah it's Arty, Uncle Louie

EDDIE: Yes. Arthur. He's 2 years younger, right arty?

ARTY: Yes I'm 2 years younger than him (Points to Jay)

LOUIE: Nobody knew—it was even a surprise for me. I gotta stay here a couple nights, maybe a week to paint my apartment.

ARTY: You didn't know they were gonna paint your apartment?

LOUIE: (Looks at him, then Arty) You got a smart brother there Arty, you know that? You're right Jay, it's my gun. I'm a bodyguard for a very prominent and distinguished political figure so. It's sort of like an FBI man, only the call it something else.

ARTY: You mean, a hentchman?

LOUIE: (Has hardly blinked; He steps toward Jay and smiles) That was thrilling. That was beautiful. I had tears in my eyes, I swear to god... You got bigger balls than I thought, Jay. You got a couple of steel basketballs there. Look— I'm gonna clean up before I go.

ARTY: You're leaving? When?

JAY: Fifteen thousand!!! Wow! You think she would have loaned some of it to pop? (Looks around) Where's the safest place to hide it? Where would no one look?

ARTY: You're not really thinking of stealing it, are you?

LOUIE: Selling scrap iron or something like that, ain't that it?

BOTH BOYS: Huh?

LOUIE: Hollywood Harry. Got all the stars painted in silk... so they show up here again asking questions, whatta you say to them?

BOTH: Nothing

BELLA: This is our secret now, alright? A Sacred secret.... Say it, both of you

ALL: This is a Sacred secret.

JAY: Will you shut up?! She could walk back in any minute. Do you know what she would do if she found you jumping on her chair?

ARTY (in a German ACCENT) Ya! She would chop off my legs... And aunt bella would cook them for dinner.

Scene 7

ARTY(VO) Dear Pop.... things are bad here. Really, really bad. Last night I cried for you... and for Mom... but Jay was worried Grandma would hear so he made me shut up. Bella ran off. It's... a long story. I wish you were home. I miss you and I love you. Your son, Arty.

LOUIE: Okay, Arty. Pick it up.

ARTY: (His face turns red) I don't know why but I think i'm going to cry

EDDIE: Grandma's worried about the doilies. Don't lean your head back on the Doilies. It gets grease on them. She just got them laundered.

ARTY: (Looking out the window) Hey! There's Aunt bella...

LOUIE: Smart boys, look in Jay's pocket, Arty.

ARTY: (Looks in Jay's pocket) Another five dollars.

GRANDMA: Sports? You play in the mud and dirt and come home and make marks all over my floor.

ARTY: (Panicking) No... never. I clean them off at the field.

GRANDMA: I don't call you Arty (she points her cane at them) Tell me, which one is the smart one?

ARTY: (Points at jay) Yakob is. He gets A's in everything. I'm better at sports.

LOUIE: (to arty) He ain't no faster then you. Look in your pocket, Arty.

ARTY: (reaches in his pocket and pulls out a $5 bill) It's a $5, a real one! How'd you do that?

LOUIE: So what is it?

ARTY: ...Medium.

EDDIE: (VO) Dear boys, I am in Houston Texas. I just got plumb tuckered out. That's how they talk down here. I had to take a week off and rest. Nothing to worry about. I'll be on the road again real soon and I promise I'll make up the time. Love pop.

ARTY: Alone at last! Grandma's out, Bella's out, we have the house to ourselves! We're free! (LOTS OF ENERGY)

JAY: (surprised) Aunt bella!

ARTY: Are you okay?

GRANDMA: And Arthur

ARTY: Arthur but they call me Arty

JAY: If she did, you'd be an only child today. Pop said she could swing her cane so fast, she could have been one of the greatest golfers in the world... She was the only one at Mom's funeral who didn't cry... I wonder what Pop's talking to her so long for.

ARTY: Because she's deaf in one ear, isn't she?