Marriage and Family Counseling- personal

verse on abstaining from sex

1 Corinthians 7:5

Five principles of Submitting to husband

1 Jesus calls you to submit to your husband 2. Jesus calls you to submit to you husband from the heart with a submissive attitude 3. Jesus calls you to submit to your husband even if he is unsaved of disobedient to God 4. Jesus calls you to submit to your husband in everything, except sinful things 5. Jesus call you to submit to your husband to please Jesus

What is a Christ-centered marriage? (4)

1. A God-ordained union of two sinners 2. ... who admit their sins 3. ...who find forgiveness for theirs sins in Jesus Christ and who seek to extend that forgiveness to each other 4. ...who are makng progress in overcoming their sins and in being and doing what God wants them to be and do, both in relationship to him and to each other.

Intro to Marriage and Family Communication

1. As a one-flesh union (Gen 2:24) marriage requires godly communication 2. Godly communication involves both godly speaking and godly listening

Four rules of Communication

1. Be honest 2. Keep current 3. Attack problems, not people 4. Act don't react

Marital conflict

1. Conflicts are inevitable, therefore expect them 2. Conflicts are sinful, resolve them 3. Conflicts are opportunities, seize them

9 temptations of spiritually-mixed marriages

1. Daydreaming about being married to a Christian 2. Envying those who have a Christian spouse 3. letting good desire for your spouse's conversion become a ruling desire 4. becoming angry at God 5. compromising Godly standard and convictions 6. expecting christian thinking or behavior from unsaved spouse 7. proudly comparing self to unbelieving spouse 8. competing with spouse for children's affections 9. regrets and distorted guilt if sinfully married a non-Christian

3 steps in resolving marital conflicts

1. Determine to please God 2. Repent of your sins 3. Love your spouse

Practical Guidelines of Marital Oneness (5)

1. Engage in spiritual disciplines together 2. Concentrate on things you appreciate about your spouse 3. Understand how your spouse experiences life 4. Express love in language that speak in special ways to your spouse in specific situations 5. Share relationship-building experiences together

How does God want to use your marriage conflicts for his glory and your good? (7Es)

1. Enhance relationship with him 2. experience a measure of Christ's sufferings 3. Expose your remaining sin 4. exhibit Christ's work in you to others 5. Extend your fellowship with other Christians 6. Equip you for wiser, more compassionate personal ministry 7. Excites your desire for heaven

Marriage counseling task/goal (4)

1. Expose wrong diagnoses and solutions 2. Present them with biblical hope, diagnosis, and agenda for change 3. secure their active commitment to biblical agenda 4. teach them this biblical agenda and help them practically follow it

Relational and Communication Problems- finances (5)

1. Failure to understand and discuss what money means to you and your spouse 2. Failure to disclose financial info 3. Failure to understand and agree on financial policies and procedures 4. Failure to handle differing tolerances for financial risks 5. Failure to agree on how much money is enough

Offended Partner's Path (7)

1. Find your security and identity in Christ, not in spouse or marriage 2. Adopt biblical view of trials and mistreatment 3. Cultivate attitudinal/heart forgiveness 4. Grant transacted/relational forgiveness 5. Realize the process nature of thesematters and grow in faith, including submitting to God that "this will never happen again" 6. Secure recommitment to marriage covenant and to rebuilding the marriage through bib. counseling 7. Help them decide at each point what to announce to to others

How should singles view themselves (4)

1. Fully complete in Christ 2. In Christ as one who can/must learn contentment in your present single status 3. One who is capable, through Christ, of achieving great things for God and making a life-changing impact on many lives 4. View yourself as only one person among a multitude of others who are single

4 biblical basics about marriage

1. God created and established marriage (Gen 2:24) 2. God ordained marriage is a covenant relationship under God with their spouse 3. God regulates marriage by revealing his counsel in Scripture about how marriages should be established and lived out to please and glorify God 4. help counselees see how God designed marriage to picture glorious realities

2 conclusions of marital sex

1. God created sex and he created it as a good and holy gift. Scripture sees sex as a fully positive, beautiful gift by God our Creator for married couples to enjoy in God-pleasing ways 2. God's Word guides (Positive) and guards (negative) the proper use of sex a. God-given opportunity to worship God and bring pleasure to your spouse b. can be distorted and abused

Parents' responsibility and role before God

1. God has granted parents- alone- the privilege, responsibility, and authority to parent their children a. children cannot train themselves b. parents- not other people or institutions c. especially fathers d God calls both parents to parent children in godly ways 2. parents are responsible before God for their parental activity but not responsible before God for child's present walk with God of final spiritual outcome

3 themes to develop in ministry (marriage counseling)

1. God has sovereignly wed you. What root and fruit issue is God uprooting or pruning in your through this situation 2. God calls you to focus on and deal with your sins (planks) so you please God and can effectively minister to your spouse and help them deal with their sins 3. God offers you grace, power, hope, and joy as you faithful obey him despite your spouse's disobedience. He will honor and bless you as you endure unjust treatment

Give God's hope in betrayal

1. God is present, gracious and powerful in the situation to comfort the offended spouse and to forgive the repentant offending spouse 2. God in his sovereignty has a positive redemptive purpose in this situation for both spouses a. make more like Jesus, restore marriage and make it stronger than before

How should singles view God (5)

1. God of saving grace and mercy, who has saved you from the condemnation we rightly deserve 2. God as sovereign, wise, loving Father who has, always had, and always will have your best interest on his heart 3. God as the One who weeps over the sin within this fallen world that is responsible for much of the singleness 4. Jesus as your empathetic High Priest who understands the struggles you face. 5. View Jesus, in a reverent way, as your best friend and loving convenantal partner

Conclusions about divorce and remarriage based on passages

1. God prohibits divorce except for sexual immorality or desertion by unbeliever 2. in such cases, divorce is not commanded 3. biblical divorces carry the right to remarry since this was the purpose for divorce

Christlike servant actions

1. Godly listening to and learning about your spouse- active and attentive, caring and compassionate 2. Godly speaking to your spouse- honest beneficial, timely, kind 3. practical ministry/servant actions toward your spouse 4. what if your spouse becomes hardened or unresponsive- what is going to enable them to love/show grace (luke 6:27-28)

Heart issues within marriage

1. Grace vs. Works 2. please God vs. Please self 3. Christ-centered vs. self-centered 4. ministry vs. manipulation 5. Trust vs. mistrust

Four Qualities of Godly Speech (Eph 4:25-5:2)

1. Honest (4:25)- How can I open up my life to my spouse with my words 2. Beneficial (4:29)- What words will best minister to my spouse 3. Timing (4:29)- What words will best help my spouse at this time 4. Kind (4:31-5:2)- What words and tones will best convey Christ-like kindness

biblical principles about pleasing God (5)

1. Jesus Christ alone has fulfilled this goal perfectly 2. Amid marital conflicts, make pleasing God your single and all-consuming goal 3. this goal must be contrasted with pleasing self or spouse 4. This goal must be accomplished according to Scripture and depending on God's power 5. This goal must encompass every area of your life

Behavioral sins (planks) Matthew 7:3-5

1. Jesus refers to your sinful behavior, both words and actions- omission, commission 2. Jesus presents the proper order- start with you 3. greater weight to own sins by calling them planks- my own sins are more serious

How are conflicts opportunities (3)

1. Know God more thoroughly 2. To become more like Christ (7 E's) 3. To love and serve spouse and others

How should singles view others who are married (3)

1. Learn to rejoice in the marriage privileges and delights God has graciously given them 2. Realize that along with their marriage privileges and delights, they face a host of hardships, temptations, responsibilities, and accountabilities you do not face 3. as Christians to whom you can and should minister in love

Guidelines to godly listening (2)

1. Listen actively and intently (Prov 18:13) 2. Listen caringly and compassionately

General Directives for wives in marriage relationship

1. Love your husband 2. Submit to your husband

PrinciplesofGodly sex in marriage (3)

1. Marital- solely for marriage 2. Multi-purposed- oneness, provide pleasure, procreation 3. ministerial- goal is to satisfy and motive to minister not self-centered and love is to give 4. Mutual- either partner my request, initiate, enjoy, decline

2 passages on gift of singleness

1. Matt 19:10-12 (better not to marry) 2. 1 Cor 7:6-7 (Paul wish all men were as I

Key verses for prof view of divorce and desertion remarriage

1. Matt 5:31-32 2. Matthew 19:3-12 3. 1 Cor 7:10-16

Meaning of imago Dei

1. Overarching sense: People are inescapably connected to God 2. Formal sense: Capacities- intellect, emotion, will 3. Functional sense- relationships 4. with active hearts- center of all internal functioning

Marriage Counseling Pyramid

1. Presenting problems a. money, in-laws 2. Relational Dynamics a. communication, roles 3. Heart orientation

Implications for marriage conflict resolution counseling (6)

1. Realize and teach that a failure to please God lies at the root of conflict 2. teach both partners the meaning and importance of pleasing God 3. Secure up-front commitment from each partner to seek to please God 4. monitor this commitment from session to session 5. use HW assignments 6. Warning- realize that if one spouse seeks to please God and the other does not, the marital relationship might get worse

repenting of heart sins- James 4:1-3

1. Root cause of conflicts in sinful desires 2. not just desires for bad things but also selfish in inordinate, ruling desires for good things 3. James provides God's solution- grace 4. James calls us to respond to God in repentance

Principles of Marital Oneness and Relational Growth (5)

1. Scripture pictures marital oneness and intimacy in terms of two people becoming one flesh 2. Such oneness encompasses every area of marriage 3. Determine to make growth in marital oneness a high priority. It takes proactive effort, lest you drift 4. This commitment springs from an intentional ministry motive in your heart 5. Such a commitment to love and minister to your spouse means learning to accept and appreciate differences and to overlook and bear with annoyances

recommitment phase- betrayal

1. Secure commitment by each spouse to please God and respond God's way (2 Cor 5:9) 2. lead each spouse through specific steps of biblical repentance, confession, and forgiveness in light of gospel

Marriage Counseling balance

1. Show compassion 2. Be prepared to hear counselees excuse their own role disobedience because of their spouse's disobedience. Help each spouse focus on God's agenda of repent, believe, obey

practicalCounseling People Whose spouses do not follow Christ

1. Start with compassion for your counselee's difficult marriage 2. consider with you counselee two passages that address spiritually-mixed marriage-1Cor7:12-16,1Pet3:1-6 3. Give biblical counsel to your spiritually-single counselee 4. Caution counselee against an array of spiritual dangers 5. Help counselee handle difficult case situation- not go to church or not give money to church

Christlike listening (3)

1. The three persons within the Trinity listen to each other 2. God listens to us, His people 3. God calls us to listen to our spouse in godly ways

How to view singles of the opposite gender (3)

1. View other singles primarily as your brother and sisters in Christ, not as potential spouses 2. view as possible future spouses of other men and women 3. view as accountable to God and who must be led by him if they are ever to consider marrying you.

Ways to look at people- Biblical anthropology (6)

1. We are created and sustained by God 2. We are image-bearers of God 3. we are embodied image-bearers: inner and other person 4. we are gendered image-bearers of God 5. We are fallen image-bearers (primary problem in counseling) 6. We are fallen yet redeemable image-bearers of God

Individual heart (root) problems -finances (7)

1. Worry, fear (future, people) 2. Greed and sinful desires 3. Pride, shameful comparisons 4. Putting your hope in money or the things money provides 5. Laziness- unwillingness to work hard to ear, budget, shop wisely 6. Slavery to sinful addictions including patterns of overspending or impulsive buying 7. Control problems: seeking to own or carry out all the financial duties

Principles and Implications of Communication

1. Your mouth speaks what your heart believes and wants 2. You can use your ears and mouth to serve you or to serve you or God 3. God's solution: Change your heart- Repent, Believe, Obey- View marital communication as ministry to your spouse

what leaving your parents does not mean (2)

1. abandon, forsake, cease to love care or honor 2. moving away from them

7 A's of forgiveness

1. address everyone involved 2. avoid if, but, or maybe language 3. admit specifically as sin 4. acknowledge the hurt 5. accept consequences 6. Alter behavior 7. ask forgiveness and allow time as needed

advantages to concurrent marriage counseling

1. allows each person to share concerns openly and safely without spouse present 2. can focus fully on one person at a time and address more deeply their individual root and fruit problems 3. prevents additional hurts during session and after the session 4. might minimize developing biases toward just one spouse

offender's partner's path- recommitment phase (5)

1. break the adulterous relationship immediately 2. initial confession of sin- admit the facts and make honest, full disclosure 3. Pursue before God both deep heart repentance and an action plan of practical change 4. Thorough confession of sin to spouse, elders, and others- seek forgiveness and commit to change plan 5. Believe the gospel, grow in faith and obedience and carry out change plan

how do you please Jesus in your submission

1. by obeying his command to submit 2. by following Jesus's example of submission 3. these require you to know and trust God

How can parents cultivate God-lover in a home?

1. by personally being permeated with a love for God 2. by transferring love for God to children

Parent's relationship to God

1. centrality of personal, saving relationship with God, marked by growing faith and obedience 2. importance of parents recognizing and repenting of own ongoing, deceitful self-centeredness that infects parenting

Common Heart Demands/Idols in Parents

1. comfort and convenience 2. peace and quiet 3. respect and admiration 4. gratitude and appreciation 5. reputation and appearance 6. success

Love yourSpouse to resolve marriage conflicts (3)

1. cultivating Christlike attitudes 2. extending christlike forgiveness 3. Christlike servant actions

4 major views of divorce and remarriage held by evangelical writers

1. divorce and remarriage for adultery or desertion (prof view) 2. Divorce, no remarriage 3. No divorce, no remarriage for adultery, divorce no remarriage for desertion 4. No divorce no remarriage for adultery, divorce and remarriage for desertion

Biblical counsel to spiritually single counselee- 5 lines of biblical encouragement and exhortation

1. find in Jesus, not spouse, your highest comfort, joy, strength 2. Realize God allowed you to marry this spouse and he wants to use this marriage to make you like Jesus 3. Do all that God calls you to do to minister to your spouse and to remove any improper stumbling blocks to your spouse following Jesus 4. As needed, humbly and lovingly confront your spouse 5. seek to follow Jesus, pray for your spouse, and entrust your spouse's spiritual condition to God

Ephesian Fathers (7)

1. gracious, life transforming salvation (1-3) 2. fathers committed to whole-souled participation in life of a healthy church (4:1-16) 3. determined to reject world's perspective on parenthood, manhood and womanhood 4. fathers deeply concerned not to grieve HS 5. determined to walk in love, radical holiness and fullness of HS 6. exemplify christlike headship over their wives 7. fathers committed to waging spiritual warfare in great issue of raising children

vital attitudes and emotional support elements in home atmosphere

1. honesty and transparency 2. peaceful atmosphere 3. warmth, intimacy, acceptance and good will

how to confess behavioral sins

1. identify offenses- start with prayerful, self-examination 2. confess sins to God, receive forgiveness in Christ and seek His help 3. Confess sins to spouse and seek forgiveness

Rebuilding phase- betrayal (2)

1. identify, agree, and commit to dealing with the individual and marital fruit and root problems that precipitated and attended to adultery 2. Proceed with normal marital counseling a. begin with an issue that is serious and requires offender to demonstrate reality of repentance and commitment to marriage b. be prepared to return often to renew the above steps. Give hope

Sinners from birth (3)

1. imputed sin- adam's sin 2. original sin- sinful nature 3. actual sin

Threefold action of marriage

1. leave parents 2. be united (cleave) to spouse 3. become one flesh

What leaving parents does mean (6)

1. no longer under their authority 2. eliminating any bad attitudes toward parents 3. seek to establish adult relationship 4. being careful to speak positively about spouse in front of parents or in-laws 5. Valuing spouse's ideas, desires, opinions higher than parents 6. Resisting and opposing any of their words or actions that might separate you from your spouse

Four categories of causes of sexual problems

1. physical/medical problems- disease, medication 2. knowledge and technique problems 3. relational problems between partners- unresolved conflicts 4. Heart problems- background or present

five fundamental duties of parents

1. provide physical and emotional care 2. provide verbal instruction 3. provide physical discipline 4. model christlikeness 5. pray for and with your children

Most financial problems in marriage

1. relational problems and ultimately heart/personal problems

2 goals of action plan- recommitment phase

1. repent of the sexual sin and the deception (END9) 2. Develop a written action plan of practical change

Process of Marital sex (2)

1. seek to know your spouse's desires 2. seek to satisfy your spouse's desires- view spouses desires as needs

husband's desires

1. sexual fulfillment 2. Recreational companionship 3. An attractive spouse 4. Domestic support, a tranquil home 5. admiration

Submission does not mean

1. silence 2. inferiority

conclusions for counselors- parenting

1. stress parental godliness as indispensable for godly parenting 2. help parents see God has agenda for them and it includes exposing their heart 3. Hold out the hope Jesus gives to all parents and children who repent, believe, and follow him

advantages to conjoint marriage counseling (9)

1. symbolizes one-flesh nature of marriage and communicates a common commitment to work together on marriage 2. increases fullness of information- hear both sides of conflict at the same time 3. gives an opportunity to observe relational dynamics 4. reduces gossip and slander 5. provides safe, controlled setting for a couple to learn to communicate openly 6. provides opportunity for immediate, supervised problem solving 7. allows both spouses to hear the same counsel from you at the same time 8. able to assign joint growth assignments 9. gives each spouse the opportunity to see the other spouse repent and grow

Counselor be prepared (Marriage counseling)

1. to hear legalistic applications of role commands 2. to hear counselees define marriage primarily in terms of roles, not mutual ministry 3. Fix my spouse mentality

Crisis intervention phase- betrayal (2)

1. understand how the adultery was discovered and the immediate impact it has had on each spouse 2. Give God's hope- God can restore such a marriage if both spouses are willing to repent and follow Christ

Thrust of the marriage pyramid

1. what bothers you most about another person will tell you about yourself- whats precious to you. Your spouse will expose your idol 2. Problems come from the heart, worship base

exception to submission

1. when he commands or desires you to sin 2. when he forbids you from, or desires you to avoid, obeying God sins of commission, omission

Four biblical counseling principles for parents about their child

1. you are not responsible for child's spiritual condition 2. your child's spritual condition is an issue between him and God 3. You are responsible to God for parenting activity 4. your parental godliness or ungodliness will influence your child

implications for counseling parents and children (4)

1. you cannot think biblically about parents and children without thinking biblically about marriage 2. when faced with parenting or child problems, consider the state of the marriage 3. blended and single parent families were not apart of God's intended design. these will bring unique pressures, temptations and hardships 4. be willing in appropriate ways to highlight God's design for marriage

Foundational Principle- Heart of Marital Communication

A fundamental biblical truth: Like all behavior, Christlike communication comes from the heart

Ultimate change needed

Change your heart- Repent, Believe, Obey

Implications for marriage and marriage counseling (3)

Don't do marriage counseling unless- 1. you are applying these truths well to your life and relationships 2. you are convinced of these truths and committed to God's standards (defining final authority) 3. you are convinced that there is divine help and hope for every marriage and marriage problem

Basic call of single christians

God calls the Christian single person, to have his or her thinking increasingly transformed by God's truth

Thrust of the Triangle illustration

Godly marriage/marriage counseling must be God-centered

2 levels of forgiving spouse

Level 1- Attitudinal/heart forgiveness (between me and the Lord) Level 2- Transacted, relational forgiveness (Between me and the offender)

4 R's of throne staircase

Recognize (specific desires), Repent, Refocus (heart on God), Replace (sinful habits with Godly habits)

working definition of submission for wives

To discern and do what your husband desires you to do to please Jesus Christ, unless it would violate your conscience

Christian Marriage Commitment Staircase- 5 levels of Understanding and Commitment

bottom 1. Christ as my Lord and Savior 2. Bible as my sole authority 3. Biblical meaning of, purposes for, and roles in marriage 4. Biblical Problem solving and conflict resolution 5. marriage vows to God/Spouse

definition of pleasing God

bring God delight by being and doing what God desires, in response to God's grace

confused guilt vs. clear guilt

confused- victim responsible for violent behavior clear- i sinfully provoked anger

conjoint and concurrent marriage counseling

conjoint- both spouses together concurrent- each spouse separately

Heart Orientation of the Marriage counseling pyramid

each spouse's heart issue- the underlying beliefs and motives that drive their behavior. This level separates Christians and non-Christians preventing "spiritually mixed marriages" from reaching full potention

nouthesia

instruction, admonition

God's forgiveness is our

motive and model for our forgiving others (Matt 18)

Marriage Counseling: Don't assume

motives- seek to understand heart issues and deal with them appropriately probe motives

when marriage counseling is not wise

one-sided sins by one spouse against the other (or both against each other) such as violence or adultery, separate counseling for each spouse is indicated

biblical synonyms for submission

respect, revere obey

book of judges

teaches us a frightening truth: it only takes one generation for Israel to turn away from the Lord

Submission means

to come under rank (military term) definition: to place yourself willingly under the authority and direction of the person whom God has placed as a leader over you

Godly Relational Triangle

triangle at top (God) points of triangle- sovereign, wise, good listen for Godly language if spouse is doing well in loving the Lord- will spill over into rest of life