Merlin

MERLIN. Oh! We'll just have to see what we can do about that. (He searches through his magic book, his robe, through drawers, etc. Finally, discovering something in the book:) Aheh, aheh. Here it is, here it is. (MERLIN positions the TOWN CRIER away from him.) Now, you stand here. (MERLIN steps back.) Are you ready?

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. What's . . . ? What? Laryn ... larynwhat? TOWN CRIER. Laryngitis. I can't talk.

MERLIN. Well, take two of these and get some rest. (MERLIN hits her twice with handfuls of magic dust and nonchalantly exits. QUEEN JENNIFER trembles with rage.)

Act 2 Scene 3 QUEEN. Arthur is alive? How wonderful. But my heart can't stand all this excitement. It's giving me pains now. (MERLIN, hearing this, turns around.)

MERLIN. Hurry! Hurry!

Act 3 Scene 1 (TOWN CRIER goes to help him in. ARTHUR and the GUARD go wild, because they want to be untied quickly. As soon as MERLIN is in, the TOWN CRIER goes to the aid of the bound pair.) TOWN CRIER . We have to hurry! The coronation starts precisely at nine o'clock. (He starts to untie the ropes.)

MERLIN. Hurry! Hurry! (Finally they are untied. All but MERLIN rush for the door L.)

Act 3 Scene 1 GUARD. How did you find us? TOWN CRIER. Merlin found you in his crystal ball.

MERLIN. (offstage). HurryI Hurry!

Act 3 Scene 1 MERLIN. (as if suddenly remembering). Oh, yes. (He goes along.) ARTHUR. We only have a few minutes. (All run out L.)

MERLIN. An excellent idea. (Pause.) Seems to be a window here.

Act 3 Scene 1 MERLIN. (offstage). Nice castle, isn't it? TOWN CRIER. Never mind that. We have to find a way in.

MERLIN. Oh, hello there, Arthur. Glad to see you.

Act 3 Scene 1 MERLIN. An excellent idea. (Pause.) Seems to be a window here. (MERLIN sticks his head through the window.)

MERLIN. (as if suddenly remembering). Oh, yes. (He goes along.)

Act 3 Scene 1 MERLIN. Hurry! Hurry! (Finally they are untied. All but MERLIN rush for the door L.) TOWN CRIER. Are you coming along, Merlin?

MERLIN. Oh, yes. I remember now. Uh, I seem to to be stuck here.

Act 3 Scene 1 MERLIN. Oh, hello there, Arthur. Glad to see you. TOWN CRIER. Merlin, we're here to rescue King Arthur, remember?

MERLIN. (offstage). Nice castle, isn't it?

Act 3 Scene 1 TOWN CRIER. (offstage). This is it, Merlin. (ARTHUR and the GUARD hear him and start making noises to try to attract their attention.)

MERLIN. Mighty nice party you have here. Mind if we join in?

Act 3 Scene 2 EARL. (after the yelling has died down). Oh, boy, am I going to get yelled at. ARTHUR. You villain! You scoundrel! You dog!"

MERLIN. What's your name, son?

Act 1 Scene 2 (ARTHUR arrives R.) ARTHUR. Yes, your Majesty?

MERLIN. A test, hmmm? (Continues to leaf through the book.) Let's see- serpents, sorcerers, toads . . . aha!

Act 1 Scene 2 ARTHUR. Do you need me for anything else, your Majesty? QUEEN. (Quite recovered). No, Arthur, you may leave. (ARTHUR leaves R.)

MERLIN. I see. (MERLIN begins pacing about and accidentally steps on the QUEEN'S sore toes. The QUEEN screams. MERLIN falls back in surprise.) I know the story is sad, but we mustn't become hysterical.

Act 1 Scene 2 EDITH. He doesn't have one. QUEEN. Arthur is an orphan. He was found one day in a basket by a peasant woman and she brought him here.

MERLIN. My deepest apologies for the medicine, your Highness. What did you want to see me about?

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. (grandly). Greetings, Queen Jennifer. I trust my treatments worked well. QUEEN. No, they didn't- as usual. But that's not what I want to talk to you about.

MERLIN. Indeed I did.

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. A test, hmmm? (Continues to leaf through the book.) Let's see- serpents, sorcerers, toads . . . aha! QUEEN. Did you find something?

MERLIN. What sort of test, your Majesty?

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. A test? QUEEN. Yes.

MERLIN. And his last name?

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. Fine boy, I always liked him. What's his name again? QUEEN. Arthur.

MERLIN. Fine boy, I always liked him. What's his name again?

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. I have an errand for you, Oscar. Go to my laboratory and fetch my magic book. ARTHUR. Yes, sir. (He rushes out R.)

MERLIN. (very apologetic). Oh, I'm sorry, your Majesty! I know, I have a magic potion that will soothe your feet.

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. I see. (MERLIN begins pacing about and accidentally steps on the QUEEN'S sore toes. The QUEEN screams. MERLIN falls back in surprise.) I know the story is sad, but we mustn't become hysterical. QUEEN. You stepped on my foot, you fool!

MERLIN. First I must have my Magical Dictionary of Elixirs and Spells.

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. I've got it! EDITH. Yes?

MERLIN. Believe me, my Queen, it's foolproof!

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. Indeed I did. EDITH. A test? Will it work?

MERLIN. A test?

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. My deepest apologies for the medicine, your Highness. What did you want to see me about? QUEEN. I'm going to retire, Merlin. I want you to figure out some kind of test to choose a new ruler.

MERLIN. (grandly). Greetings, Queen Jennifer. I trust my treatments worked well.

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. Oops! Pardon me, pardon me. QUEEN. Hello, Merlin.

MERLIN. (thinking). So you want a test?

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. What sort of test, your Majesty? QUEEN. A test that will fairly choose a new king or queen for the kingdom.

MERLIN. I have an errand for you, Oscar. Go to my laboratory and fetch my magic book.

Act 1 Scene 2 MERLIN. What's your name, son? ARTHUR. Arthur.

MERLIN. I've got it!

Act 1 Scene 2 QUEEN. (getting a little disgusted). Yes. A test. Can you handle that? (MERLIN is deep in thought. He paces about, stumbling, and finally says:)

"MERLIN. Oops! Pardon me, pardon me.

Act 1 Scene 2 QUEEN. Excellent! Precisely the man I wanted to see. (MERLIN enters R. He is near-sighted and quite clumsy. Upon entering, he stumbles over his own foot. ARTHUR exits.)

MERLIN. What's your name, son?

Act 1 Scene 3 ARTHUR. Sure. (He does so.) GUARD. Arthur the page boy? Impossible.

MERLIN. There, if you couldn't put it in, you couldn't have taken it out. Give me that. (He takes the sword.) ARTHUR (to QUEEN). Oh, I see that this nice gentleman has returned the sword I found to you, your Majesty.

Act 1 Scene 3 EARL. But . . . but . . . QUEEN. Now. (He hesitates a bit, then attempts to put the sword back. Of course he fails. He then gets frantic, but still cannot put the sword back in.)

MERLIN. But it is foolproof. (Pause.) Unless he cheated. Well, there is only one way to find out. (MERLIN begins making his way to the EARL, bumping into people as he goes.) Excuse me, pardon me. If you pulled the sword from the stone, you should be able to put it back in.

Act 1 Scene 3 EARL. It was nothing. (Laughs.) QUEEN. (to MERLIN). You imbecile. How could you let such a thing happen? You told me that the test was foolproof. (She suddenly is stricken with side pains.) Oh, what this is doing to my side pains!

MERLIN. Yes.

Act 1 Scene 3 MERLIN. But it is foolproof. (Pause.) Unless he cheated. Well, there is only one way to find out. (MERLIN begins making his way to the EARL, bumping into people as he goes.) Excuse me, pardon me. If you pulled the sword from the stone, you should be able to put it back in. EARL. (not expecting that, stalling). I...I should?

MERLIN. Oscar, do you realize what you've done?

Act 1 Scene 3 MERLIN. What's your name, son? ARTHUR. Arthur.

MERLIN. Well, it doesn't look like there is a king among us.

Act 1 Scene 3 QUEEN. Very well. (EARL tries tremendously hard, grunting and groaning. He fails and goes back to his wife to pout. The rest of the people, including LADY NASTY and MERLIN, try. No one succeeds. MERLIN falls down on his attempt. )

MERLIN. Could you do that once more, young man- take it out and put it back in?

Act 1 Scene 3 QUEEN. You found? What do you mean? ARTHUR. (taking sword from QUEEN). It was in the stone here- like this. (He smoothly inserts the sword into the stone.) I found it, but this nice man said he'd return it to you. (General astonishment.)

MERLIN. (obviously grieved by the news; is choking up). Oh, this is a wretched day for Camelot. King Arthur is dead. Cut down in his prime. He was always like a son to me. (He cries into a handkerchief and occasionally blows his nose very very loudly.) Now who will we get to replace him?

Act 2 Scene 1 CECILIA. King Arthur is dead? CHARLOTTE. Are you sure?

MERLIN. Are you looking for something, my Lady?

Act 2 Scene 1 CHARLOTTE. I can't wait to tell all our friends. (CHARLOTTE and CECILIA hurriedly exit L. LADY NASTY is nervously looking around for the EARL. MERLIN approaches her.)

MERLIN. Oh, Hello, Earl. How is your aunt?

Act 2 Scene 1 EARL. All right, all right. (He steps confidently up to C and clears his throat. ) Everybody! Listen to me, I have to make an important announcement. (A few people look at him but pay little attention. MERLIN sees him and approaches. )

MERLIN. I'm very glad to hear that. If she ever gets sick, just have her call on me.

Act 2 Scene 1 LADY. (through her teeth). Yes, you do. Remember! Your Aunt Gloria. The one we're here to visit because we've been banished, you boob. EARL. Huh? (Finally getting it.) Oh! That Aunt Gloria. (To MERLIN.) She's a dear old lady. She's in wonderful health.

MERLIN. (as he exits). This can't be. This can't be. I'll have to look into the matter.

Act 2 Scene 1 LADY. Tonight. EARL. Yes. Tonight. At the castle. (They look at him, dazed.) I said, clear out! (Everyone scatters.)

MERLIN. (sniffling, looking at the document). Read this for me. (He gives it to the TOWN CRIER.) I don't have my glasses here.

Act 2 Scene 1 MERLIN. (obviously grieved by the news; is choking up). Oh, this is a wretched day for Camelot. King Arthur is dead. Cut down in his prime. He was always like a son to me. (He cries into a handkerchief and occasionally blows his nose very very loudly.) Now who will we get to replace him? EARL. (clearing his throat). Well, as a matter of fact, the King thought about that very problem before he died. He signed this document. (He pulls the forgery from his robes and hands it to MERLIN.)

MERLIN. That means that you will be the new king.

Act 2 Scene 1 MERLIN. (sniffling, looking at the document). Read this for me. (He gives it to the TOWN CRIER.) I don't have my glasses here. TOWN CRIER. (reading). ""Attention, people of Camelot. I, King Arthur, find myself dying of injuries suffered in a dragon fight. As my successor I have chosen the courageous Earl of Nasty. I hope you will all be good subjects to him. No one shall question his right to rule. Signed: King Arthur."" (Murmurs and gasps of worry from the crowd.)

MERLIN. Weren't you and your husband banished by the Queen?

Act 2 Scene 1 MERLIN. Are you looking for something, my Lady? LADY NASTY. No ... uh ... I'm just waiting for someone. And he'd better show up soon.

MERLIN. Your aunt. The one you're visiting here.

Act 2 Scene 1 MERLIN. Oh, Hello, Earl. How is your aunt? EARL. (mystified). My aunt?

MERLIN. (satisfied). Oh. (He joins the rest of the group.)

Act 2 Scene 1 MERLIN. Weren't you and your husband banished by the Queen? LADY. (dodging). Oh, uh, yes. But we were just ... we were just ... (Quickly.) visiting an aunt.

MERLIN. (looking up). Hmm? What? Wha ... ?

Act 2 Scene 3 (A few minutes later. As the curtain rises, lights come up DRC on the castle. MERLIN, with his glasses on, is poring over his magic book. Presently the TOWN CRIER enters R.) TOWN CRIER. (in a strained voice- he has laryngitis). Merlin. Merlin.

MERLIN. I know where we'll find the answer. In the Magical Dictionary of Elixirs and Spells. (He goes to his magic book.) Let's see, what should I look under? (Arriving at a decision:) Missing kings. (He pages through the book.) Let's see... missing kid, missing kidney, missing kinfolk. Ah, missing king. (MERLIN reads. His eyes are an inch and a half away from the book.) Aha! My crystal ball will give us the answer. (He bounds over to the crystal ball and brings it back to the table. Before he gets there, he stumbles and juggles the crystal ball, nearly dropping it several times but finally saving it. He places it on the table.) Look! They're alive. In the dungeon of the Earl of Nasty.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. (contemplating). Sooo. Maybe that's why he said he didn't have an aunt named Gloria. TOWN CRIER. I don't like the sound of this whole thing. He must be up to something. Something nasty. After all, his name is the Earl of Nasty.

MERLIN. What's . . . ? What? Laryn ... larynwhat?

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. (looking up). Hmm? What? Wha ... ? TOWN CRIER. Merlin. You got to help me. I've got laryngitis.

MERLIN. It worked, didn't it?

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. (reaching into his pocket and producing a handful of magic dust; winding up like a major league pitcher). Allakazam, allakazoo. Here's some magic dust for you. (And TOWN CRIER gets it smack in the face. TOWN CRIER starts shaking with rage.) How do you feel? TOWN CRIER. (yelling). What kind of stupid thing is that to do?

MERLIN. Well, the Earl's wife said the coronation is to begin precisely at nine o'clock. I wonder if the Earl's Aunt Gloria is going to attend.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. ... Arthur? My name is Merlin. TOWN CRIER. (disgusted). Yes, yes. I know that. What time is the coronation set for, anyway?

MERLIN. ... Arthur? My name is Merlin.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. I'll always cry when I hear that name. King Oscar. TOWN CRIER. (irritated). Arthur!

MERLIN. I'll always cry when I hear that name. King Oscar.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. It has a ring to it. King Oscar. TOWN CRIER. Arthur.

MERLIN. Now there's a man I don't trust. Give me a simple, honest man. Like the page boy that pulled the sword from the stone. What was his name?

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. It worked, didn't it? TOWN CRIER. (suddenly mystified). Well, uh, I guess it did. Thank you very much, Merlin. (Pause; the TOWN CRIER looks around.) It's a shame that after tonight all of this will belong to the Earl of Nasty.

MERLIN. Poor little Oscar. Killed by a dragon. (He is choking up again. He pulls a most extraordinary handkerchief out of his pocket- several handkerchiefs tied together. They keep coming. A pair of underwear (or something else) is at the end.) He was like a son to me. He would have made a wonderful king. Good King Oscar.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. Now there's a man I don't trust. Give me a simple, honest man. Like the page boy that pulled the sword from the stone. What was his name? TOWN CRIER. Arthur.

MERLIN. (reaching into his pocket and producing a handful of magic dust; winding up like a major league pitcher). Allakazam, allakazoo. Here's some magic dust for you. (And TOWN CRIER gets it smack in the face. TOWN CRIER starts shaking with rage.) How do you feel?

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. Oh! We'll just have to see what we can do about that. (He searches through his magic book, his robe, through drawers, etc. Finally, discovering something in the book:) Aheh, aheh. Here it is, here it is. (MERLIN positions the TOWN CRIER away from him.) Now, you stand here. (MERLIN steps back.) Are you ready? TOWN CRIER. Ready.

MERLIN. It has a ring to it. King Oscar.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. Poor little Oscar. Killed by a dragon. (He is choking up again. He pulls a most extraordinary handkerchief out of his pocket- several handkerchiefs tied together. They keep coming. A pair of underwear (or something else) is at the end.) He was like a son to me. He would have made a wonderful king. Good King Oscar. TOWN CRIER. Arthur.

MERLIN. (contemplating). Sooo. Maybe that's why he said he didn't have an aunt named Gloria.

Act 2 Scene 3 MERLIN. Well, the Earl's wife said the coronation is to begin precisely at nine o'clock. I wonder if the Earl's Aunt Gloria is going to attend. TOWN CRIER. But the Earl doesn't have an aunt named Gloria. In fact, he doesn't have an aunt at all.