The Bear by Anton Chekhov

You're mad? I'm mad! I fell in love like a schoolboy, got down on my knees, I even got goose bumps... I LVOE YOU! That's all I needed, to fall in love with you! Tomorrow I've got to pay the mortgage, start cutting hay, and now you (GRAB HER WAIST) I'll never forgive myself for this............

... Oh come on back, Oh I'm so mad! Stay away from me! Stay away from me!

(LAUGHS) Black?! Don't make me laugh! How dumb do you think I am? I know exactly why you go around in that Mardi Gras outfit and why you've buried yourself within these walls! Of course! It's all so romantic, so mysterious! You're waiting for some shavetail army lieutenant to come riding by, or some sentimental schoolboy with a bad complexion, and he'll look up at your window and think: Ah! There dwells the mysterious Tamara, who loved her husband so much she buried herself within four walls... I know all about your little games.

...I have buried myself within these four wall, where I shall mourn him forever. I shall wear black until the day I die.

And I'm in a sad mood too, because if I don't meet my mortgage payment, they'll foreclose no my property! I'll lose my shirt!

...It's exactly seven months today that my husband died, and i'm in a sad mood. I'm in no condition to talk about money.

All right, then. Goodbye.

...Well what are you waiting for? Just get out of here!

That's it, I'm a coward.

...what's the matter, are you a coward?

Cant you be a little more polite?

All right! Will you get out of here?

To the field of honor! Nobody insults me like that, not even a woman!

And just because you've got big fists and a bull neck, you think I'm afraid of you? You... you bear!

Take a good look at anyone one of these romantic creature, petticoats and hot air, divine transports, the whole works, then take a look at her soul. Pure crocodile. (BREAKS CHAIR) and the worst part is, this crocodile thinks she has a monopoly on the tender emotion of love! God.damn it, has any woman ever known how to love anything except her lapdog? She's in love, all she can do is snivel and whine. A man in love, now, he suffers and sacrifices, but a woman, her love shows up how? She swishes her skirt and gets a firm grip on your nose. You're a woman, unfortunately, but at least you know what I mean, what a woman's nature is like. Tell me honestly, have you ever seen a woman who was faithful and true? No, you haven't! The only honest and faithful women are old or ugly.

Continued.....

Now that's a woman I understand! That's a real woman! She's not one of your sissies, nothing wishy-washy about her, she's all flint and firepower! I'm almost sorry to have to kill her! I definitely like this woman! Definitely! So she has dimples--I still like her. I'm almost ready to tell her to forget about the money. And I'm not mad anymore... What an astonishing woman!

Continued.......

Well, of course, men.

Excues me, but would you mind telling me just who you think is faithful and true? Men?

And I've already said I can't wait till the day after tomorrow!

Excuse me sir, I've already said I cannot pay you today.

KISS HER

Get away from me! Get your hands off me! I... I hate you! I want to fight the d..d...d...duel!

God, what a woman! I've never seen anything like her in my entire life! I'm done for! I'm caught in her mousetrap!

Get away from me! I hate you!

Go ahead, shoot! You don't know how happy that will make me, to die with your beautiful eyes upon me, die from a gun in your silky little hand... Oh, I'm out of my mind! Look, you'd better think this over fast and decide right away. Once I leave here, we'll never see each other again. Make up your mind. I own a lot of land, I'm from a good family, I've got an income of ten thousand a year... I can put a bullet through a coin in the air at twenty paces... I've got the best horses you'll ever see... Will you marry me?

Get away from me, or i'll shoot!

Hey Semyon, unhitch the horses! We're not leaving just yet! I'm staying right here! Tell them in the stable to give my horses some oats! And watch it, you nitwit--you got the trace horse tangled again! You just wait till I get... Oh forget it.

Goes to window...

Listen are you still mad? I was crazy myself until just a minute ago, but you know... how can i put it! Well the fact is, I... you see, the fact is, nothing like this has ever happened to me before... Well, god.damn it, is it my fault I like you? (BREAK CHAIR) Why do you have such fragile furniture! I like you! You understand? I... I think I'm in love with you!

He likes me! He dares to tell em he likes me! Just go.

You see, there are several different makes of weapon. you've got your Mortimer, now that's a special dueling pistol, percussion action. But what you have here are Smith and Wesson revolvers, triple action, with an extractor and central sights. Beautiful pieces! Must have cost at least 90 rubles the pair. Now look, you hold the pistol like this... (ASIDE) What amazing eyes she's got! What a little spitfire!

Here're the pistols. but before we have our duel, will you show me how to use the damn things? I've never even touched one before.

Dont yell at me -- I'm not your manager. But i'm a man, not a woman, and I'm used to calling a spade a spade. And please stop shouting.

How dare you!! How dare you speak to me like this!

I didn't ask you about a stable! What I asked you was, don't you believe I have a mortgage payment due tomorrow?

I asked you not to shout! You're not in a stable!

In that case I stay right here until I get it. You're going to pay me the day after tomorrow? Fine. I'll be sitting right here! Look, don't you believe I have a mortgage payment due tomorrow? You think I'm joking?

I can't!

And I also told you in no uncertain terms that I need the money today, not the day after tomorrow. If you don't pay me today, I might as well hang myself by the day after tomorrow.

I have told you in no uncertain terms that I have no money here at the moment and you will have to wait until the day after tomorrow.

And just who said you could insult me like that?

I said you were a bear!

I came to see you, not your manager. What the hell--excuse my language--do I want with your manager?

I think I made myself perfectly clear: I'll pay you as soon as my manager gets back from town.

You will too!

I will not give you any money!

I do not have the pleasure of being either your husband or your fiancé, so please stop making scenes for my benefit. (SITS DOWN) I hate that.

I will not! You won't get one red cent from me! Now please go away!

You Dingbat! Stop trying to talk me out of here! Idiot! Ah, Madam, let me introduce myself: Grigory Stepanovich Smirnoff, Field Artillery, retired. I own a place over in the next county. I'm sorry to disturb you but this is important--

I wonder what kind of nun I'd make...

Pay me my money and I'll go!

I'm not shouting -- you are! Will you please go away and leave me alone!

Thank you very much. I won't forget this.... Am I supposed to take all this lying down? On my way here, I met my accountant. "Why are you always so down in the dumps?" He asks me. Well, excuse me, he should know. I'm desperate for money! I got up at dawn yesterday and rode around to everyone I know who owes me money and not a one of them came across! I ran in more circles than a hunting dog, stayed the night at some godforsaken fleabag hotel, and finally I get here, 50 miles from home, expect to get paid, and what do I get? A sad mood.. What kind of mood do you think that puts me in?

I've made up my mind.

I see, is that your final word?

It means I can't pay you!

Jesus, what a mess. Hottest day of the year, nobody wants to pay me, couldn't sleep the whole night, and now I've got to deal with some wacky widow and her moods. It's enough to give a man a headache. I need a drink, that's what I need. I want a shot of vodka!

Leaves window...

That's it, that's the way. Next you cock the piece, like this.... and you take aim... Move your head back a little. Stretch out your arm... that's the way. Then you press your finger on this little thing here, and that's all there is to it. main thing is, keep your cool and take slow, careful aim. Try not to let your hand shake.

Like this?

I'm out of my mind! I don't understand what's happening........

Marry you? I intend to shoot you! On the field of honor!

Pay me my money and I'll go.

My dear sir, I have lived so long in retirement I have grown unused to the human voice. I cannot stand shouting. I must earnestly beg you to respect my solitude.

I don't believe this! "It's seven months ago today, my husband died and I'm in a sad mood." What's that got to do with me? I have to make a mortgage payment! Fine, your husband's dead, your manager's gone to town, and you're in a mood or whatever, what do you expect me to do? Flap my wings and fly away from my creditors? Run around banging my head into a brick wall? I go see Gruzdef, he's not home. I go Yarosevich, he hides. I go see Kuritsyn, we get into a fight: I damn near threw him out his own window. I go see Masutov, he's sick. And this one is in a "sad mood" Not a one of them paid me. What a bunch of deadbeats! And it's all because i'm such a soft touch. I'm a sucker for a hard-luck story. I'm too nice for my own good! Well, it's time to get a little tough! Nobody's going to fool around with me like this god.damnit! I'm not moving! I'm staying put until she pays up! Oh boy am I mad! Look at me, I'm quivering mad! Mad through and through god.damnit! Mad enough to get nasty!

My dear sir, I will not have such language in my house, nor will I tolerate that tone of voice! I refuse to listen to any more of this!

Oh, well, excuse me! Just how would he speak in front of a lady? In French? Madame, je vous prie... How charmed I am to know that you reject to pay me my money! Ah, pardon, I seem to be upsetting you! Lovely weather we're having! And my, my, don't you look lovely in black!

No you do not! You are ill-mannered and vulgar! No gentleman would speak like this in front of a lady!

No.

No?

No.

Of all the nerve! I want nothing more to do with you! Please leave! ............. You're still here? You haven't left?

Because... because... It's none of your business why!

Oh, that's the last straw! Why!

I'm out of my mind! I'm in love! I'm behaving like an idiot schoolboy! I love you! I love you, the way i've never loved anyone before! I walked out on twelve women, nine walked out on me, but I never loved one of them the way I do you! My mind has turned to jelly, my joints have turned to sugar, I'm on my knees like a dope and I'm asking for your hand... Oh, the shame, the shame! I haven't been in love for six years, I swore I never would again, and all of a sudden I'm head over heels! I'm asking you to marry me! Yes or no? Will you? Yes or no? No? Fine!

On the field of honor!

I'll shoot her like a sitting duck! I;m not a schoolboy any more, I'm no sentimental puppy -- I don't care if she is the weaker sex! I'll shoot her -- thats the real equality, that'll emancipate her! Equality of the sexes at last! But what a woman! "God.damn you! You have no idea what a pleasure it will be for me to put a bullet through your thick head!" Yes, what a woman! She got all flushed, her eyes were flashing fire, she accepted my challenge without even thinking! By God, that's the first time this has ever happened to me!

Right this minute! My husband had a set of pistols, wait here, i'll go get them. God.damn you! You have no idea what a pleasure it will be for me to put a bullet through your thick head!

All right, let's go outside. Only I warn you, I intend to shoot into the air.

Right... we shouldn't shoot indoors -- lets go outside.

Oof, I'm a mess. Dirt, mud on my boots, I need a shave, my hair needs combing, straw sticking out of my pockets. The lady must have thought I was out to rob her. Not too polite, I guess, showing up like this, but what the hell... I'm not a guest, I'm a bill collector, nobody says I have told dress right...

Sits down, continues...

Oh, I'm mad! I am so mad! Mad enough to blow up the world! Mad enough to get nasty! Hey, YOU!

Takes a shot...

You've made up your mind?

That is my final word.

I sold him a couple of loads of oats.

Twelve hundred? What did my husband owe you the money for?

Well?

Wait a minute!

I had the pleasure of knowing your late husband, and as it happens he left me two IOU's, the total comes to twelve hundred rubles. Now, I have a mortgage payment due tomorrow, so I have to ask you, madam, to pay up. And I'm afraid I need the money today.

What can I do for you?

That means you won't pay me?

What can I do? I don't have the money!

You buried yourself alive, but you didn't forget to powder your nose!

What? How dare you even suggest anything of the kind!

Just give me my money! (ASIDE) Oh, am i mad! Am i Mad!

Will you please go!

Exactly.

You dare sit down?

I do so know how to behave in a lady's presence!

You haven't the faintest idea of how to behave in a lady's presence!

What? What did you call me?

You peasant! You bear! You vulgar bear! Monster! You... radical!

Right this minute!

You want to fight a duel! Good! Let's fight!

I need the money today, not the day after tomorrow!

You'll have your money the day after tomorrow.

Stupid and not funny! I don't know how to behave in a lady's presence! Woman, I have seen more ladies in my time than you have seen sparrows in yours! I have fought three duels because of ladies, I have walked out on 12 ladies and 9 ladies have walked out on me! So there!

You're being very stupid and not funny!

Because.... because.... because I like you.

You're lying! Why don't you want to fight?

You think, just because you're some kind of romantic heroine, that gives you the right to insult me with impunity!? Is that it? Oh, no! This is a matter for the field of honor! Time to choose weapons!

You're right, I am insulting you! What about it? You think I'm afraid of you?

It's about time we got rid of old prejudices about only men needing to defend themselves on the field of honor! If it's equality you want then it's equality you get! I challenge you to a duel!

Bear! Bear! Bear!

You mean you're not going to pay me? Is that what you mean?

But what can I do, since I don't have the money?

I want a glass of water, or better yet, a beer.

Continued.

What kind of logic is that! Here's a man so desperate for money, he's ready to hang himself but she can't pay him because -- excuse me very much -- she's "in no condition to talk about money" Talk about petticoat logic! This is why I don't like women and hate talking to them! I'd rather light a fire on a powder keg than talk to a woman. Makes my skin crawl, they make me so mad! All I have to do is see one of those romantic creatures coming, my leg muscles start cramping up. I want to start shouting for help!

Continued..

She's sick and she can't see anybody! That's fine, she doesn't have to see me. I'll just stay right here until I get my money, that's all. She stays sick for a week, I stay here for a week. She stays sick for a year, I stay here for a year. I want my money lady! Your black dress and your dimples don't impress me. I've seen plenty of dimples before!

Continued...

Oh, I used to be an idiot, got crushes on them, sweet-talked, cast my pearls before -- Well... bow, click my heels, fall in love, suffer, sigh in the moonlight, freeze up, melt into puddles -- I did it all. I could rattle on for hours about women's rights: I spent half my life hanging around women, but not anymore! No, thank you very much! No more wool over my eyes! I've had it! Dark eyes, red lips, dimples in the cheeks, moonlight, sighs of passion -- no sir, I wouldn't give you two cents for any of it now. Present company excepted, of course, but all women are pretentious, affected, gossipy, hateful, liars to the marrow of their bones, vain, petty, merciless, they can't think straight, and as for this part here (SLAPS HEAD OR POINTS TO BRAIN) well -- excuse my frankness -- a sparrow has ten times more brains than any philosopher in a skirt.

Continued....