The Beverly Hillbillies Jed Lines, Act one

Pearl: Jed, I saw that duded-up city feller totin' a satchel comin' over here, so, naturally, I came a-runnin'. Never trust a feller totes a satchel. They'll slicker you every time.

Jed: Hello, Pearl. That was Mr.Brewster, the chief counsel for Midland Oil.

Mrs. Pennyweather: This is Gloria Mundy, president of the Student Council, and my son Percy, the English instructor.

Jed: How do?

Granny: Jed ,you gotta do something 'bout that young 'un o' yourn

Jed: How'd that happen?

Miss: Hathaway: Hippies

Jed: Howdy. I'm Jed Clampett

Granny: Doggone! I don't feel like fishin' er figgerin' any more.

Jed: I don' know whut she said, but she shore could stir up a camp meetin' with it. (doorbell goes off) Doggone it! There goes that music again! Jethro, did you ever find out where that music comes from?

Granny: what in tarnation is a tennus?

Jed: I don't know but one o' these days, we'll git us a pair and go to raisin' em.

Mrs: Pennyweather: Crawdad?

Jed: I don't think even Jethro'd eat crickets.

Emaline: No! No! I cain't let you see me like this;

Jed: I just wanna tell y' it's all right to go swimmin' in a swimmin' suit.

Mrs: Pennyweather: Of course. As soon as he was born his father matriculated him.

Jed: I kinda think it was his Maw.

Pearl: Twenty-five and a hundred!

Jed: I know it don't sound like much, but that Mr.Brewster seemed to set a great store by the fact that he's gonna pay me in some new kinda dollars.

Granny: you go to raisin' 'em. I'm goin' back home where I kin have a few o' the good things o' life like muskrat shanks and black- eyed peas.

Jed: I knowed you was gettin' homesick fer muskrat and I sent Jethro out a- huntin' some.

Jethro: well, y'said...

Jed: I meant to take her things to the spare room.

Granny: Ireckon so. It went limpin' off on three legs.

Jed: I swear I don't know what to do about that girl.

Elly: Paw! You should see that there kitchen. It's got a ice box big enough fer a whole side o' beef.

Jed: Is that a fact?

Drysdale: but this is one of the finest mansions in Beverly Hills. It was built by John Barrymore, one of our greatest actors.

Jed: Purty fair stone mason, too. Oh, it's nice, Mr.Drysdale, but we had it real first class back home, too.

Granny: Ahh! Jethro's done got married!

Jed: Put her down!

Pearl: then it's settled? Yore goin' t' Beverly Hills?

Jed: Reckon so.

(Pearl just fainted) Jethro: Maw!

Jed: She fainted!

Granny: they come a-courin' when she was twelve. An' what did she do?

Jed: She whupped the tar out of 'em.

Granny: An' that's whut she still does... only now, she's seventeen. An' she better be amarryin'. 'nother year, she'll be too old.

Jed: She'll git herself a husband.

Percy: But would people like this make us an endowment?

Jed: Shore we would. Granny'll make you anythin' you need. You jes' have to give her a pattern.

Pearl: An' Jed, fer you I'd drop everything an'...

Jed: So long, Pearl. Come on, Granny. (He takes his gun and exits L.)

Elly: No bigger'n a pawpaw

Jed: Stranger, if money was skunk oil, a hound couldn't smell me.

Brewster: Uh... fine. Come along, Turner. I'll call him. I'm sure he'll be happy to find you a suitable house.

Jed: Thank you kindly. G'bye

Jethro: Gee, iffin it's bad, I'm sorry fer yore trouble, Uncle Jed

Jed: Thank you, Jethro. Is it that bad, Pearl?

Emaline: That's a fact. I reckon he wouldn't much more 'n come t' here on y'.

Jed: That clock o' yores must be outa order. I'll take it down 'n' fix it.

Mrs: Pennyweather: Well, no matter. At any rate he's an Eton man.

Jed: That he is. As a matter of fact, Jethro won the eatin' championship.

Mrs. Drysdale: Oh, we can't possibly stay... We just dropped in to be neighborly.

Jed: That shore pleasures me, ma'am. Most o' the other folds ain't so friendly.

Emaline: oh, Mr.Clampett, I trust y' ... honest I do ... Y' r'mind me so much o' my daddy.

Jed: That's funny. He ain't but about five feet tall.

Pearl: The richest man in these hills. Maybe in the whole state. You can have anything you want. Do anything you want! Live any place you want!

Jed: That's whut Mr.Brewster said. Pearl, you think I oughta move?

Granny: well, has any livin' person brought us a pone an' a skinned possem here? Has any livin' person even come here?

Jed: The fire department. They been real neighborly! Drop in two, three times a week. Only yestiddy when you went to makin' soap out back...

Percy: Wildcats! Wildcats!

Jed: Then they's Jethro, my cousin Pearl's boy. I don't know how long he's goin' t' stay with us 'cause he's gotta git back to Oxford where he goes to school regular.

Elly: I ain't a young man but I shore do thank you fer thinkin' so

Jed: This here's Elly May

Turner: What happened? Where am I?

Jed: This here's the Clampett place

Granny: I'm fishin' fer to figger how to git home.

Jed: This is home, Granny. Give it time. A new place takes gittin' used to.

Granny: That's another reason I don't like it here. Jethro! Lollygoggin' around in no clothes an' his maw's truck. Chasin' girls. showin' off. Remember, I warned you. It's you give that boy the three keys to perdition.

Jed: Three keys to perdition?

Elly: Paw! Paw! where are ya, Paw?

Jed: Up to the cabin, Elly.

Hathaway: yes. some of thos old southern mansions can be beautiful. Spanish moss... those large white pillars.

Jed: We left the moss but we brought the pillars to put on the beds here.

Granny: well, the first thing to do, is git her into a dress. She's gittin' too big to be wearin' men's duds. (holds up shirt) Looky here. She popped the buttons off her shirt again.

Jed: Well, Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back.

Granny: I got used to home all my life. I wanna go back. I'm used to it. Cain't do nothin' here. Cain't raise corn, cain't keep chickens er pigs. How come if the neighbors don't allow folks to keep animals, this place got such a all-fired fancy stock pen?

Jed: Well, Granny, it turned out that there stock pen was somethin' called a tennus court.

Emaline: I'm Emaline

Jed: Well, bless m'soul! Jethro, you recollect the Fetty girls?

Pearl: MIllion dollars! Jethro!

Jed: Well, it's wrote right here on the paper. You kin see for yoreself.

Mrs: Drysdale: Anything! Anything! Just do a simple menu. Millburn, take me home. And get me a list of the people who owe your bank the most money! I'll invite them.

Jed: Well, now, that's right friendly, ain't it, Granny!

Pearl: Oh, Jed, they ain't no kinda dollars.

Jed: Well, they's new to me. I heard of gold dollars, silver dollars an' paper dollars but he's payin' me... now whut did he call 'em? (Remembering) Millyun dollars.

Pearl: Counsel? That's a fancy name for lawyer. Them's the worst kind. They go to school an' study how to slicker you. Granny said he wants to buy the ol' swamp. You didn' sign nothin' did you?

Jed: Well... Yeah... I guess I did.

Pearl: How much, Jed?

Jed: Well... he said... dependin' on how much oil they could pump out... it'd run somewheres between twenty-five and a hundred.

Emaline: Oh, Mr.Clampett! it's you!

Jed: Well... yes, ma'am

Jethro: Shucks, Uncle Jed, a man like me, with all the innerests I got, one girl just purely ain't enough.

Jed: What do you mean?

Elly: Beaned him with a rock

Jed: What fer

Granny: I ain't fishin' fer fish. I'm fishin' fer figgerin'.

Jed: What kind figgerin' you fishin' fer?

Elly: Howdy, Paw.

Jed: What you got there?

Granny: That there's no stranger. That's the fella from the peetroleum company was round here last week.

Jed: What's a peetroleum?

Granny: Hmff!

Jed: Where you goin'?

Emaline: Remember the Fetty family that lived back o' Possum Ridge?

Jed: Why, shore! You one o' Jake Fetty's girls?

Granny: You answer me this. If strangers moved inta that li'l ol' cabin down the crik from us back home, what would we a-done?

Jed: Why, we'd a gone callin' an' took a mess o' pone an' a skinned possum.

Emaline: Howdy. I reckon y'all don't remember me. do you?

Jed: Y'look familiar but I jus' cain't place y'

Emaline: yore right. I'm feelin' a mite poorly. thank y'. Oh, yore such a nice man.

Jed: Yonder it goes agin. Miss Emaline, I think you' n' that clock is both wound up too tight.

Granny: Hotel!

Jed: Yore home folks, Emaline. We ain't about to let you stay in no hotel.

Elly: But, Granny, mebbe the chickens'd like it better t'other side. Chickens like a change now 'n; then, too.

Jed: Yore shore that was the fittin' thing to do?

Granny: I wouldn't stay no place that has to be spelt in mixed company.

Jed: Yore stayin' right here, Emaline.

Mrs: Drysdale: Millburn... I must go home at once.

Jed: but I thought you was gonna work out the party with Granny.

Jethro: Doggone! it never fails!

Jed: le's see who that is. (open door) Howdy, ma'am

Oh, gracious, m'bare limbs is a showin' im so 'shamed

Jed: no call t'feel ashamed, Emaline. Things is dif'rent out here, than they is back home.

Mrs. Drysdale: Their husbands aren't bank presidents

Jed: shucks. We don't care if they's as rich as us. Tell you the truth, Mr.Drysdale, Granny's so lonesome fer callers, she wants us to move back home.

Granny: English! Faugh! A real American boy was good enough fer her maw 'n' me. We don't go to no school an' we met one single person. There ain't been one neighbor come a-callin' since we moved here.

Jed: so that's what's ailin' you. Granny, you got to r'member what Pearl told us. This here Beverly Hills is where the movie stars live.

Granny: Fishin'. In the cement pond. I wanna figger an I figger better when I'm fishin'.

Jed: there ain't no fish in there, Granny.

Gloria: Elly may says go ahead. she popped out of her first two suits. Now she's workin on her third.

Jed: tho't you was fixin' to git Granny a muskrat, Jethro.

Granny: whut party?

Jed: we givin' one to meet the neighbors, Granny. Mrs. Drysdale's goin' to invite them.

Mrs: Pennyweather: Oxford? He attends Oxford University?

Jed: well, it's the school in Oxford. His paw went there, too.

Granny: she won't git one rasslin'. Ain't no boy wants a wife that's gonna whup him every day.

Jed: well, now, I've noticed somethin, Granny. It used to rile the boys somethin' awful when Elly'd whup 'em rasslin'. But here, lately, the been standin' in line to get whupped.

Mrs. Pennyweather: Now, tell me about your dear children.

Jed: well, they's 'm daughter, Elly May. She's a nice child, but I gotta admit, a little strongwille. You jus' keep her away from wildcats an' she'll be fine.

Pearl: An' you know where I would move if I was you?

Jed: where?

Pearl: You'd love it, Granny. It don't get cold there.

Jed: whut don't get cold there?

Elly: An' guess what keeps that great big thing cold?

Jed: whut?

Percy:Welcome to Pennyweather Academy, Miss Clampet.

Jed: why, Elly May! Wheres yore manners

Mrs.Drysdale: I am your wife, Millburn, not an Academy Award actress. (Doorbell rings)

Jed: why, howdy, Mr.Drysdale.. Miz Drysdale. Come in 'n' set a spell.

Pearl: Jed, how can you even ask? look around you. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coons, and bobcats. You got kerosene lamps for light... a wood stove to cook on winter and summer... you was with homemade lye soap and your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!

Jed: yeah, I guess yore right. A man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

Granny: she's uncommon purty fer a Fetty. the rest o' them look like they must a took homely pills.

Jed: yeah. Y'could chuck them Fettys in the crik an' skim ugly fer two weeks.

Jethro: So's She

Jed: yeah. well, come on in. We's mighty pleasured t'see you. Jethro! Where's yore manners? Emaline's tired.

Drysdale: No! No! Why, that's just why we came over. To tell you... to tell you... we're giving a party for you to ... introduce you to society.

Jed: yore givin' us a party at yore house?

Brewster: No! You'd hate Tulsa. It's a hotbed of tomboys. Beverly Hills is the place for you.

Jed: yore word is good enough fer me. Elly May go pack yore duds. If we goin' to go, they say a quick change is the easiest.

Pearl: An' you'll take Jethro?

Jed:'Course we will Pearl. (Pearl bursts into tears.) Don't you want us to?

Granny: I like to cook in the settin' room so's I don't miss nothin'.

Jed:Never mind, Granny. We kin move the stove out here.

Pearl: What are they gonna pay you?

Jed:Well, now, Pearl, that ol' swamp ain't no good fer...

Jethro: Be right down!

Jethro: Tell me, ma'am, how do you find Jethro's mind?

Granny: He jes' kinda laughed... But the laugh's on him. They ain't no wildcats in that sloo.

Jed: Heck, no! It's too full o' oil

Granny: fine clothes, a fancy car and fifty cents a week.

Jed: Granny, I'd a thought you'd be glad Jethro was so popular. 'N' Elly May.... She's got a beau, too... 'n' him a English teacher.

Granny: I warned y' Jed. I tole y' this'd happen if y' let him run loose.

Jed: Granny, they just met.

Granny: Dora Possum?

Jed: Granny, this is Jake an' Dora Fetty's girl, Emaline.

Jethro: Yessir, Uncle Jed

Jed: Granny-- Elly May! Come see who's here!

Jethro: I'll explain 'em fer y', Uncle Jed, when I git time. Now I got me a date to go dancin' with Groovy Monahan.

Jed: Groovy Monahan? what about them other two girls? 'Tain't fittin' to be beauin' three girls at the same time.

Drysdale: what fire?

Jed: Guess Granny got one goin'. whyn't you all stay fer supper tonight? Granny'll whomp up a mess o' grits and hog jowls.

End of Act 1 Scene 2

End of Act 1 Scene 2

End of scene 1

End of Scene 1

Emaline: Not any more. I feel like a millyun dollars.

Jed: Guess I just don't understand girls any more.

Emaline: no. I'm gonna go git dressed an' take my cuckoo clock to be developed... fixed!

Jed: Guess I just don't understand girls any more.

Mrs. Pennyweather: That is the Oxford student!

Jed: He stands at the head of his class.

Drysdale: Clampetts

Jed: (Granny comes in R)this here's my mother-in-law, Granny Moses. (Elly enters R) An' my young 'un, Elly May.

Elly: Aw, Paw..

Jed: (embracing her). Yore the livin' picture of yore Maw.

Pearl: Millyunaires. It's full o' millyunaires.

Jed: (to Brewster)Folks like me?

Brewster: Well, I could ask my friend, Millburn Drysdal. He's the President of a big bank out there. I'm sure he'd take care of you if you put your account into his bank.

Jed: All right, 'n' long as I'm at it, I'll put my money there, too.

Emaline: don't close the door.

Jed: All right. Leave the door open

Pearl: An' Movie Stars.

Jed: An' Whut?

Elly: Paw, he was aimin' to bite my hand.

Jed: An' this here is Jethro.

Mrs. Pennyweather: Oh. I meant, the staff seems to be here. I saw the gardener and this, I presume, is the handy man.

Jed: Back home they said I was one of the handiest.

Pearl: Is what that bad?

Jed: Bein' a millyunaire

Pearl: Jed, we're Kinfolls. What's mine is yores and what's yores...

Jed: But it ain't right for Jethro to be missin school.

Emaline: oh, no, Mr. Clampett. It's all right.

Jed: But the bird keeps a-jumpin' out 'n' cuckooin'

Granny: What's she doin' now?

Jed: Climbin' down off that big ol' elm near the sloo.

Drysdale: But this is Beverly Hills!

Jed: Dirt is dirt.

Jethro: Ain't that a city feller fer you? Thinks you kin grow corn inside.

Jed: Doggies!

Hathaway: Perhaps you'd like to see the drawing room?

Jed: Doggies! Think o' that, Elly! A whole room jes' fer drawin'.

Emaline: Oh, don't do that, Mr. Clampett.

Jed: Don't do whut?

Mrs: Pennyweather: How marvelous. what was he champion of?

Jed: Eatin'

Jethro: Could!

Jed: Elly May, yore gittin' too big to be rasslin' with boys. You got to start mendin' yore manners... an' fixin' yoreself up nice an' wearin' dresses.

Elly: No. T'other one had a fancy city suit and a leather satchel. when I tried to bean him he put the satchel on his head an' run. Sorry I missed him. They'd a made a nice pair.

Jed: Elly May, you can't keep him.

Elly: I caught hime! you don't like him, I'll keep him out'n the smoke house. He won't bother you none.

Jed: Elly may, you don't keep people like they was a dog or a cat.

Emaline: A bathin' suit! Gosh, back home, folks still takes a bath with nothin' on.

Jed: Elly, honey, you show Emaline to the room next to yores. Git her settled, then you kin go swimmin'.

Emaline: Oh, Lwasy! Don't Come in! Gotta split, Colonel. The rube is just coming up the Midway.

Jed: Emaline! it's just me. Jed Clampett

Emaline: Colonel Foxhall, please... Colonel? Rita. Okay. Im in Fort Knox... ect ect... Shake Jed clampett loose from a cool million!

Jed: Emaline? Emaline. Where be ya?

Granny: This here's dandy soil, Jed. We kin grow us a good stand o' corn here.

Jed: Fine. We'll commence plowin' tomorrow

Granny: Fighting with a bobcat

Jed: Git hurt

Granny: Florence Twitty!

Jed: Granny

Granny: Frieda Boggs

Jed: Granny

Frederika: Excuse me, I'm Fredrika collins. Is Jethro here?

Jed: He's upstairs, ma'ami

Elly: Paw! Folks'd call me a sissy!

Jed: It ain't sissy fer girls to act like girls. Elly, I reckon ever' man wants a son and you was my only young 'un... so... after yore maw passed away... I was wrong. but I just sorta turned you into a boy. By the time yore Granny came to he'p out, you was already too wild to tame. But it ain't fittin'. Nature made you a girl an' here lately she's been getting more an more positive about it. Yore right purty, Elly.

Frederika: Certainly, Jethro. I find physical activity helps increase his attention span.

Jed: It shore do. It was fifty-two inches 'round the chest the last time we measured.

Elly: then I ain't goin'.

Jed: It'd be good fer Elly. Granny, you was sayin yoreself...

Granny: Hmff!

Jed: It's commencin' to look more homelike, ain't it?

Mrs: Pennyweather: Oh yes, the old school tie. I suppose he went to Eton as a boy.

Jed: Jethro went to eatin' the minute he was born.

Jethro: Shore do! Used t' chunk rocks at 'em

Jed: Jethro's growed up since then

Jethro: yes sir!

Jed: Jethro, Put her down!

Jethro: Well, Gloria's fer romance... an' Fredrika exercises my mind an' Groovy says I got two left feet, but I'm the only boy strong enough to dance as long as she kin. She's as cute an' wiggly as a ground hog in a grass fire.

Jed: Jethro, boy... How much do you know about girls?

Granny: Jed! Cain't start the stove. Cain't find a wood box no place.

Jed: Jethro, git the axe from the truck and chop Granny some firewood.

Emaline: Fine as a frog's hair

Jed: Jethro, le's get Emaline settled in the spare room next t'Elly

Jethro: They's softer than boys.

Jed: Jethro, some day soon, you 'n' me gotta have us a long talk.

granny: Just fer testin'. I give it a swaller 'n' see how fur it jumps.

Jed: Last time she made it, she set a new record. Jumped clean over Elverna Bradley's privy.

Granny: Don't tell me!

Jed: Lemme give y' a. Possum Ridge... Jake an' Dora

Start of Act 2 Scene 1: Jed is on a ladder hanging up a gun

Jed: Like that, Granny?

Granny: No, I won't. I cain't cook nothin' there, Jed. The meat in the storage bin is all froze solid. Firemen enters

Jed: Lookee here, Granny. Sure is a real home town welcome!

Elly: you don't look like a chief. where's yore feathers?

Jed: M'name's Clampett. My young'un, Elly May, an' Granny Moses

Pearl: Jed, it means yore rich.

Jed: Me?

Granny: Horse feathers! If the Good Lord wanted me in Californy, He'd'a put me in Californy!

Jed: Mebbe He's jes gittin' 'round to it. The Book says He moves in mysterious ways.

Brester: uh... Tulsa.

Jed: Mebbe you could find us a place in yore neighborhood. Thataway, we'd know some neighbors.

Emaline: maybe it's the matin' season

Jed: Miss Emaline, I think you'd best fergit' bout swimmin' an have yoreself some rest.

Brewser: You can keep the house--- if that's what this is... we just wanat the swamp. We'll raise so many derricks down there...

Jed: Mr. Brewser, I got to be honest with you. You couldn't raise turnips down there.

Drysdale: That's an antique pier table! It was once in Versailles. Why, just think, Marie Antoinette brushed past that table on her way to a fancy dress ball... Napoleon may have put his hat there. Louis the fourteenth may have stubbed his toe against it.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, we're jes' plain plain folks. We don' mind a few things bein' second hand.

Granny: 'Course! Dora Ridge!

Jed: No

Emaling: I shore don't wanna be no bother

Jed: No bother t'all, Elly May, d'y' recognize this girl?

Mrs. Pennyweather:Charmed, charmed. And the Clampetts? Are they in residence?

Jed: No, ma'am in Beverly Hills now.

Emaline: Please lemme go to the YWCA

Jed: No. Yore stayin' right here. (head to the door)

Granny: What's that got to do with bein' neighborly?

Jed: Nothin'. I just thought it might side track you.

Drysdale: But you can't grow corn here.

Jed: Now, don't you worry. If Granny says it's good soil, it's good soil.

Jethro: Durn tootin'!

Jed: Now, here, here! You two young 'uns stop that b'fore I whomp you both!

Drysdale: No! in your house! that's the best way... so... so people can meet you in your natural setting.

Jed: Oh, Granny'll be happy as a swallow with a two-headed worm. (calling) Granny! come out n' see who's here! (to Mrs. Drysdale)You'll he'p her, woncha! Granny's a good woman but she ain't whacha'd call a society hostess.

Pearl: An' Jethro could drive you out in my truck.

Jed: Oh, I couldn't let you do that...

Fredericka: Good heavens! this place is a psychological hotbed! I've just got to write that down!

Jed: Oh, don't pay Granny no mind, ma'am, she's a mite off her feed. (Calls) Jethro! Someone to see you!

Mrs: Pennyweather: Yes, I know. But what was it? Cricket?

Jed: Oh, no, no. It was crawdad

Granny: Climbin'... rasslin' bobcats! She's a fully growed up, rounded out, female woman an' she's got to start actin' like one.

Jed: Oh, one o' these days some boy'll come a-courtin'.

Drysdale: Uh.. I think Miss Hathaway was referring to wooden pillars.

Jed: Oh? Never slept on one o' them.

Granny: He asked me for a... I fergit whut he called it but he said it was a box on the wall you could talk into an' they kin hear you in Oklahoma.

Jed: Pore feller must be outa his head