Chapter 8: Love
Different Types of Love (Sternberg)
1) Infatuation [passion only]: Probably not long-lasting. 2) Empty Love [commitment only]: Probably not satisfying, no intimacy or passion, feels like an obligation. eg: married people who only stay for their children. 3) Romantic [passion+intimacy]: something borrowed, dex and rachel bar+taxi eg. 4) Friendship love [intimacy+commitment] 5) Consummate love [all 3] eg: phil&claire 6) Non-love [none]: acquaintances
3 Secondary Styles
1) Mania - Possesive Love [Eros+Ludus] 2) Agape - Unselfish Love [Eros+Storge] 3) Pragma - Practical Love [Storge+Ludus]
What does secure attachment look like?
1) Proximity seeking - infants want to maintain close proximity to their caregivers. 2) Secure base - infants use caregivers as a secure base when exploring. 3) Safe Haven - infants flee to the caregiver when frightened/alarmed as a result of exploration. 4) Separation protest - infants protest caregiver's leaving.
Attachment styles for children:
1) Secure 2) Avoidant (insecure attachment style) 3) Anxious-Ambivalent (insecure attachment style)
3 Assumptions in this theory
1) Amount of love one experiences depends on the strength of the 3 components. 2) Type of love one experiences depends on the components' strengths relative to each other. 3) A relationship based on 1 component will probs be less satisfying in the long-term than one based on multiple components.
3 Primary Styles
1) Eros - Physical love 2) Storge - Friendship/companionate love 3) Ludus - Game playing love
Comp 2: Passion
- "Hot" component; strong presence of arousal between 2 people. - In romantic relationships: Sexual arousal, physical and sexual attraction - is Unstable over time: High level are difficult to sustain; Initially high, declines over time; relationships based only on passion don't last long; Couples in long-term relationships often cycle b/w high and low-levels of passion.
Comp 1: Intimacy
- "Warm" component, brings people together. - Foundational to love and liking. - Based on emotional attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. - 2 types
Fearful (the hesitant style)
"I'm not okay, You're not okay" - fearful of intimacy as they've been hurt in the past/fear rejection. - as they're fearful of getting hurt/rejected, they are afraid of getting close to someone, even though they'd like the security of a close relationship. - Communication is guarded and anxious. - often have trouble expressing emotions and self-disclosing. - exhibit low levels of maintenance behaviors (always expecting the worst from others and that things will go poorly, so what's even the point in maintaining relationships) - View conflict as a threat to relationship because they fear abandonment, managing conflict often requires disclosure and may show interdependence (which they don't like). - Use withdrawal (walk away) and defensiveness. - Reinforcement effect: Avoid taking risks, so avoid developing any positive relationships that will help them feel positive about themselves or others.
Preoccupied (the emotional style)
"I'm not okay, You're okay" - overly involved and dependent on their relationships and partners for fulfillment and happiness. - they're preoccupied with being a relationship, don't do well alone (bad sense of autonomy); NEED to be in a relationship. - want excessive intimacy; worried that partners don't care enough about them. - view relationships to be more important than personal goals and activities. - cling to relationships (even bad ones) as they're afraid their partner will abandon them. - tend to be overly disclosive and sensitive (too much, too soon, too fast). - In conflict, they present demanding/nagging behavior and negative emotion by being aggressive or passive agressive. - View conflict as a threat to their relationship as they fear abandonment. - Reinforcement effect: By increasing intimacy too quickly, they push partners away, which reinforces that they're not worthy of love and their negative model of self.
Dismissive (the detached style)
"I'm okay, You're not okay" - Self-sufficient to the point of pushing others away. - Want to prove to themselves and others that they can cope with life on their own. - Dislike/uncomfortable relying on others. - Prioritize personal goals and activities over the relationship; see relationships as a waste of their time. - Low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression. - In conflicts, they tend to withdraw as they don't want to show interdependence or feel pressured to disclose feelings. - Reinforcement effects: By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they don't need others to be happy.
Secure (the pro-social style)
"I'm okay, You're okay" - desire a balance between autonomy and closeness; okay with being single or in a relationship. - Likely to engage in compromise, problem-solving in conflict; Are skilled communicators - Reinforcement effect: Because they're confident and expressive, people like that and react positively towards them, reinforcing their positive model of self and others.
Change in attachment styles (why?):
(i) Significant life or relationship events: (eg: divorce) (ii) Partner's attachment styles (You're preoccupied, partner is secure. Partner may help you improve your working model of self.) (iii) Variability across relationship types (Secured with friends, preoccupied with partner.)
Comp 3: Commitment
- "Cool" component - Rational; based on cognition and decision-making (most control over this comp, as you decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with that person); Involves reduction of uncertainty. - Relatively stable over time: gradually grows and then stabilizes. - Is related to trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. - Many people argue that it's central to their experience of love.
Lee's Styles of Loving
- Each style has both, positive and negative attributes. Identifying strongly with 1 style, increase odds of experiencing its negative attributes. No style is better than the other, all have pros and cons. - Most peeps are a combination of styles, with 1 or 2 experienced most strongly. - An individual's love style is not static. May be a diff style at diff points in time (high school, college, after college)
Avoidant attachment
- Negative working model of others ["No one loves me"]; 20% of kids. - Caregiver doesn't exhibit caregiver attachment behaviors; insensitivity to needs (eg: leaves kid crying for hours) - Children appear detached/disinterested towards their caregiver. - Don't seem to notice/care that their caregiver isn't there for them (but internally, they feel the need for comfort)
Anxious-Ambivalent attachment
- Negative working model of self; 10% of kids. - Self-concept revolves around doubt, insecurity, uncertainty. ["I'm not lovable."] Caregiver's communication patterns include: (i) Inconsistent responses (sometimes exhibits caregiver attachment behaviors, sometimes not) (ii) Parent is too preoccupied/stressed with their own lives (Relational conflict - if 2 parents fight all the time, they don't have time to pay attention to the child; Substance abuse) - Children seem clingy, whiny, difficult to console, as they don't know what to expect from their caregiver. Uncertainty is a huge theme and runs through their lives.
1) Secure attachment
- Positive working model of self; Positive working model of others. - 70% of kids. - Caregiver consistently exhibits caregiver attachment behaviors.
Attachment and Adults
Attachment is a life-long process and can change over time, depending on context and partners. Influenced by childhood attachments; Working model of Self and Working model of others. - Adult communication patterns reinforce their attachment style. - 4 adult attachment styles (secure, preoccupied, dismissive, fearful)
Attachment Theory
Beginning in infancy, we have an innate need to form attachments with others. Early attachments influence future relational patterns (caregivers can be super influential) The interaction children have with their caregivers lead to the development of internal working models.
Caregiver Attachment Behaviors
Behaviors that lead to positive attachment styles:- 1) Sensitivity to signals (detecting and interpreting the infant's signal in a timely and responding appropriate manner - eg: crying, laughing) 2) Physical and psychological availability (physically close and emotional available) 3) Acceptance of the infants needs (eg: some kids cry more than others, and that's okay)
Lee's Styles of Loving
Explains that people have various "love styles" in romantic relationships. 3 primary styles. 3 secondary styles (combos of primary styles).
Mania (Possesive Love: Eros+Ludus)
Intensity of eros, desire for companionship from ludus. - Crave love and want to be loved. - Want to be with their partners constantly. - Tend to be highly possessive of their partners. - Often push partners to show love & commitment. - Seek partners who are sensitive, patient, and can understand their intense feelings (Partner needs to be able to deal with their emotional highs and lows) - Use lots of communication aimed at increasing partner's closeness & commitment in relationship. Secret tests are commonly used, in attempts to make partner jealous. - Positives: Shows passion, love, and excitement for partner. - Negatives: Can turn obsessive and controlling. [Eg: Lovers in high school; Ana&Duke dude]
Agape (Unselfish love: Eros+Storge)
Intensity of eros, seriousness of storge - View their partner as a blessing and want to take care of them. - Relationships based on giving, sacrifice, and unconditional love. - Seek partners with positive personality characteristics (intelligence, humor, compassion) - Communication aimed at intensifying relationships; Secret tests rarely used. - Positives: Pro-social, healthy relationship behaviors. - Negatives: difficult for their partner to match their unconditional love (their partner may feel guilty or overwhelmed by their unconditional love), may turn into martyrdom.
Latent Intimacy
Internal feelings of warmth, not directly observable by others; Warm, fuzzy feeling on the inside. - Increases as relationship develops, plateaus and remains relatively stable over time.
7) Traditional Romantic Love
Love involves togetherness and commitment. - Gender roles are important.
3) Intuitive Love
Love is a feeling communicated through non-verbal behavior and is experienced through physical reactions. (eg: Warm feeling all over, butterflies in stomach)
1) Collaborative Love
Love is a partnership. Involves mutual support and negotiation. - Love is communicated by enthusiastically supporting each other's goals.
4) Committed Love
Love is based on commitment. - Communicated by planning for the future. - Involves experience strong feelings of connection and spending time together. (eg: Marshall and Emily Blunt in the speed wedding video)
5) Secure Love
Love is based on intimacy and is communicated through intimate self-disclosure. - People know they're in love when they can disclose anything to their partners, and vice-versa. (eg: "I do want to kill you" video)
2) Active Love
Love is based on shared interests. - It is communicated by engaging in activities together, and discussing mutually-interesting topics.
Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love
Love is composed of 3 components: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment.
Marston and Hetch's Love Ways (3rd way of understanding love)
Love is experienced in a variety of ways and is communicated to others in a variety of ways.
6) Expressive Love
Love is shown through overt behavior, such as doing things for the partner, or saying 'I love you' a lot.
Ludus (Game-playing love)
Relationships are casual and uncommitted, and are viewed as means of enjoyment and fun. - Often date several people at once. Like being "in the game", quickly move from partner-to-partner, don't like to be without a (casual) partner. - Seek out physically attractive partners. - Communication often uses secret tests (so they know what to expect - triangle test (jealousy is 'game-like') - Communicating at an intimate level is not important/valued, low levels of self-disclosure. - Positives: freedom, flexibility. - Negatives: As relationships are so casual, they can't count on support from each other, so they have to obtain support from elsewhere.
Pragma (Practical love: Storge+Ludus)
Relationships based on achieving a common goal (eg: having a family, being successful, political lovers) - Knows what goal they want to achieve. Seeks partners who fit that ideal and will help them to achieve said goal. They have a "shopping list" of desired attributes in a partner. - Communication is typically direct. - Engage in social enmeshment strategies (become friends with your social network, figure out what kind of person you are and whether or not you'll help them achieve their goal.) - Positives: Compatibility is likely. - Negative: Goal becomes more important than the relationship, danger of lack of intimacy or passion.
Eros (Physical love)
Relationships based on physical and sexual attraction, and sexual desire play a major role in the types of relationships they want to pursue. - Seek out partners who are physically attractive. - Intense communicatiors: high levels of disclosure. Disclose personal info quickly, and at a very intimate level. Want to know a lot about the partner early on in the relationship. - Employ high levels of touch. Engage in great detail of non-verbal affection. - Positives: excitement, passion. - Negatives: attraction based on beauty; difficulty adjusting to inevitable cooling down; typically have short-term relationships as high levels of passion are difficult to sustain over time.
Storge (Friendship/Companionate love)
Relationships based on shared values, goals, and compatibility. Romantic relationships tend to start as close friendships. - Seek out partners based on personality (Personality far more important than appearance.) - Communication rarely involves the use of secret tests; Low levels of uncertainty. - Both partners have good communication skills and high level of communication competence. - Positives: Dependable, stable, secure. - Negatives: too much predicability, boredom.
Working model of Self
The degree to which a child develops an internalized sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external validation; How they imagine themselves to be; (eg: If I intuitively know that I'm a good person, I have a positive internal working model of self.)
Working model of Others
The degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting, and not rejecting; How they imagine others to be and act towards them.
Manifest Intimacy
You can see this kind of intimacy; Communicating warmth to a partner (affection & closeness, verbal and non-verbal) - Grows over initial stages of the relationship, then declines over time. (eg: telling your friend you love them)
Attachment styles
are coherent patterns of emotional and social behavior that occur in close relationships. They result from the extent to which parents exhibit caregiver attachment behaviors.
