Click - Ori and Ram Brafman

Framed community

A clearly defined or framed community is the second environmental factor that encourages a click. You know who is part of the community, what its borders are and what defines it. There is often and us versus them sentiment between those in the community and those outside of it. One way that such defined communities foster clicking is by giving the people who are members permission to let their guard down and to embrace one another as members of the same clan or tribe.

Give a quick overview of how each of the click accelerators work

Accelerators work to break down the invisible barrier between strangers. Vulnerability helps to allow others into our lives while laying bare who we are. Physical proximity encourages us to see the people around us as individuals rather than as strangers. Physical closeness fosters emotional closeness. Resonance - connecting with those around us - encourages us to share that experience. Similarity helps to foster or facilitate a connection between two people, as relative strangers are now seen as part of our in group.

What experiment demonstrates how sensitive people are to being ignored.

An experiment was conducted in which subjects were told they were involved in a game of "electronic" catch with several other people. In fact it was just the subject and the computer. The subjects became very upset when the computer ignored them and did not throw the ball to them.

Give an example of two experiments which show the power of similarity as a click accelerator

An experiment was conducted: women leaving a building were approached by someone raising money for Cystic Fibrosis. If the fund raiser were wearing a name tag that had the same name as the woman being approached she gave twice as much as if she had been approached by someone with a different name. Subjects who were told they shared the same birthday, or fictional "finger print type" with confederates were much more likely to agree to spend hours critiquing the confederates English paper than if the confederate did not "share" that attribute with the subject.

Self monitors

An important part of clicking is being able to read social cues (take the temperature of the room) and adjust your behavior accordingly. People who can do this can monitor (observe and control) their self presentation and expressive behavior. The book calls them high self monitors.

When you ask someone a highly personal question what are you effectively doing?

Asking someone what the worst day of their life was is a very personal question. It is the same as asking them if they trust you enough to be candid and honest with.

Why is it important to be part of a community?

Being part of a community is important because we all have a need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

Give an example of someone inducing resonance in others

Book tells the story of a comedian who received a very weak introduction from a show's MC. Instead of suffering through it, he involved the crowd. He said, "Wow. That was one terrible introduction. Let's start over." And then he introduced himself the way he wanted it done. He involved the crowd. They resonated with him. The lesson being that we can even, or perhaps especially, under pressure, induce a state of resonance and achieve a sense of flow by consciously making ourselves more present with others.

Click accelerators

Click accelerators - those things that make us click.

What is "clicking"? What needs to happen in order for two people to click?

Clicking is when you have an immediate, deep and meaningful connection with another person. Typically it takes weeks or months before most of us feel comfortable with a new person. We have to gain the other person's trust, and he needs to gain ours. We need to find a common language, understand each other's quirks, and establish an emotional bond. But sometimes this process can be greatly accelerated.

Flow Who invented it? What is it? When does it occur? How is it related to the click accelerators?

Czikszentmihalyi - described "flow", a moment when we are fully engaged and absolutely on top of our game. It is one of the two components that make up resonance. Csikszentmihalyi wanted to identify the conditions under which flow is most likely to occur. At its essence he found that flow requires mastery of a task and being adequately challenged. For instance in chess you need years and years of practice and then you need an opponent who can adequately challenge you.

What is the importance of eye contact during a job intereview?

During job interviews candidates who maintain eye contact are far more likely to establish rapport with their interviewers. They've been found to form a closer relationship and are typically judged by the interviewer to be a better fit for the position (regardless of their actual skill level).

Why must we begin relationships with transactional conversation? What happens if we rush things and go to connective statements too quickly?

If we make a connection that is overly vulnerable or open without proper context, our revelation can seem inappropriate, creating distance, rather than a connection. You cannot leap into these things. The key to generating intimacy with others is to gradually increase people's willingness to disclose emotionally sensitive information about themselves. While the phatic and factual levels rarely create a close personal bond, it is often important to start with them as a takeoff point for more emotionally revealing interaction.

What must you do while listening to someone during a conversation?

In conversation focus on the other person's words, make it clear that you are fully present and are listening carefully.

What do studies show regarding the lasting effects of engagement?

In studies with health care workers it was found that the power of presence lasts beyond the particular moment of interaction. Studies show that when health care providers were truly engaged, patients developed a dramatically increased sense of trust and safety. Moreover, the patients actually felt better - their morale and overall sense of well being - were significantly improved, even weeks later. The authors say they have seen the same pattern in clicking. A single interaction can substantially affect the long term characteristics of a relationship. When we achieve resonance - the combination of flow and presence - that state doesn't just temporarily alter the relationship, it actually changes those around us. Resonance doesn't just make us feel more connected to our surroundings, research shows resonance is contagious. We tend to match the emotions of those around us. For example, we're more prone to be stressed when we're around someone who is high strung, and we are more likely to be in a good mood when others around us are laughing. (e.g. we are 30 times more likely to laugh at a joke when we are with others than if we are alone).

What experiment with computers demonstrated people's willingness to reciprocate when others open up to them?

Opening up even works with computers. Computers which asked the question "What do you feel most guilty about?" Got vague, non-revealing answers. But computers which asked "There are times when this computer crashes for reasons that are not appearant to its user. It usually does this at the most inopportune time, causing great inconvenience to the user. What have you done in your life that you feel most guilty about?" Got very revealing answers from subjects. These subjects were also more likely to describe the computer as likeable, friendly, kind and helpful.

Passive contacts Give an example of an experiment that showed how passive contacts increased likeability

Passive contacts - interactions that are just in passing, like someone you don't know, but you nod to because you pass him every day on your walk to work. Even passive contacts have an effect. The more passive contacts we have with an individual, the more we will like them. An experiment on passive contacts was conducted. Four women were selected to attend a 200 person psychology class, but not interact with her classmates. One woman attended all the classes. One woman attended half the classes. One woman attended one quarter of the classes. And, one woman attended only one class. When shown pictures of the women most of the students did not recognize the women, but when asked to rate the pictures based on a series of personality questions the more a women had attended the class the more positively she was ranked. The passive contact of being in the class without any other interaction was sufficient to increase their likeability.

What study showed that we do better work with people we get along with? What is the difference between emotional and administrative conflict and emotional conflict?

Personal elevation - we do better work, when we work with people we get along with. Researchers had 100 students rank each other as to how well they got along. They then grouped the students into triads that got along with each other and triads that did not get along with each other. The triads that got along with each other were much more successful at tasks they were given to perform. They formed more shapes out of tinkertoys and they were more accurate in guessing which students would be admitted to their school. The groups that got along had low levels of emotional and administrative conflict and high levels of task content conflict. That is they argued about what to do, but it never got personal. The groups that got along avoided conflict altogether. When we interact with people we get along with we tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. The trust that forms gives us permission to disagree, because we know our counterpart will support us emotionally, even if we diverge in our opinions.

What is presence? How is it related to the click accelerators?

Presence - presence exists on a continuum from completely disengaged and unaware of those around us to the opposite end of the spectrum, transformative presence, a meaningful interaction that touches the lives of those involved in a uniquely profound manner. Presence is the second component of resonance.

Proximity Give three examples of experiments showing that proximity increased closeness

Proximity is the second click accelerator. The book tells about a study on relationships among members of a police cadet class where the closer your last name was to that of the last name of another cadet the more likely you were to be friends. The book explains that this is because those cadets sat closer to each other during training and going through that experience in the close proximity of someone else caused them to bond. A second study found that students with rooms in the center in a dorm hallway were more popular than students on the end, only because the geography of the center meant that they had more neighbors than the students at the ends of the hall. A similar study done at Bell Labs showed that scientists were much more likely to collaborate on papers with scientists in neighboring offices than they were with scientists who sat farther away. Scientists were 25 times more likely to collaborate with a scientist on their corridor than with a scientist on a different floor. The book refers to this phenomenon as "exponential attraction."

What experiment demonstrated the advantages of lightly touching someone during conversation? What were those advantages?

Psychologists conducted a study. A subject and a shill were asked to debate a topic (What would you do if you saw your friend steal). Some subjects were casually touched three times by the shill during the discussion (once on the shoulder and twice on the elbow). A control group was not touched by the shill. The touch subjects reported feeling greater "immediacy, affection, receptivity, trust, relaxation, similarity and informality" with their partner.

Shared adversity

Shared adversity, the sense of going through something together serves to bring people together in a unique and powerful way. Shared adversity is the first environmental factor that encourages clicking. The book gives the examples of bonding over all nighters in school, complaining of work together at work or even just being stuck together in an airport. Enduring adversity together creates an intense shared emotional experience. It reduces the emotional barriers we naturally put up to safeguard ourselves and creates a sense of camaraderie among those who have gone through the process together. The greater the intensity of the adversity, the stronger the bond that is established between the participants afterward.

Similarity

Similarity is one of the five click accelerators The seductive power of similarity - research shows that similarity, any similarity increases how much two people will like each other. Almost any similarity will do (e.g. having the same birthday). Furthermore, disagreeing slightly on an important matter like religion is overpowered by agreeing strongly on something insignificant like "fast food is good." Similarity, no matter what form it takes leads to greater likability. When we discover a shared similarity with someone we've just met - and it doesn't matter in which areas the similarity occurs - we are more likely to perceive that person as part of what psychologists call an "in group." An in group is a collection of people who share common traits that differentiate them from others. We have a built in propensity to form close bonds with these individuals because they make up our community. We tend to perceive in group members in a more favorable light (we think of them as more attractive and better people). The drive is so strong, so deeply ingrained in us, that casual conversations that reveal similarities naturally trigger the in group response.

What holds people back from opening up?

So why don't we reveal ourselves: we are afraid people will take advantage of the information that we share, or that the information will make them feel uncomfortable, or feel that we are needy.

Spontaneous communication

Spontaneous communication - one explanation for the power and ubiquity of the proximity rule is spontaneous communication. The term refers to unplanned, ordinary conversations and exchanges that occur when people interact serendipitously because they are in the same place at the same time. Over time these seemingly casual interactions with people can have long term consequences. They create a social glue that enables the formation of deeper connections and relationships between people.

Boundary frame

Sweat lodges and outward bound attempt to create this shared adversity. Going thru it together is so powerful because there is a clear boundary between the community inside and the outside world. Psychologists call this a boundary frame, it is a clear delineation of an event or relationship.

What is the biological cause of resonance?

The contagiousness of resonance can be traced neurologically to the phenomenon of mirror neurons. Scientists studying macaque monkeys noticed that when animals engaged in certain activities neurons in their premotor cortex became very active. The interesting finding was that these same neurons activated when sedentary monkeys watched humans engage in those same activities. These copycat neurons are called mirror neurons because they imitate other's actions, even when the subject itself is not engaged in that behavior. Humans have mirror neurons for emotions as well as for activities. (e.g. when subjects observed images of others experiencing pain the subject's pain region exhibits a flurry of activity). When we're around someone who is in a state of resonance, we are more likely to enter that state as well. We are more likely to click.

What are the five click accelerators?

There are five click accelerators: • vulnerability • proximity • resonance • similarity • acceptance (a safe place) vaprs

What are the four components that enable us to be present?

There are four components that enable us to become present: • Intentionality - which means entering an interaction with a sense of purpose and conscious awareness. Intentionality means giving the interaction our undivided attention, instead of going through the motions or being preoccupied with other things. • Mutuality - being open and available to meet the other person where they are. Mutuality means focusing on the shared aspects of trust and honesty involved in the relationship, rather than giving advice or trying to solve a problem. • Individuality - being present isn't just about putting our emphasis on the other person. Individuality refers to being authentic and aware of our own genuine emotional reactions. • Attentiveness - demonstrating care through active involvement. Attentiveness is about actively listening, asking a person to elaborate, sharing our own reactions, and generally demonstrating to the other person that we are an active participant in the interaction. To become present, we arrive with intention, we listen and mutually interact, and we remain in touch with our individual selves and attentive to the environment and those around us.

How do framed communities reinforce the other accelerators?

This kind of frame or defined community, reinforces the other accelerators. Spending time together triggers the proximity response. Being a part of the same community helps create a sense of being part of the in group.

Give an example of an experiment where the proper use of transactional and connective statements led to closer relationships?

Two groups of subjects were separated into pairs. The first group were told to ask each other a set of factual questions. The second group were given a set of questions which began with factual questions and became more and more emotionally revealing. Not surprisingly the second group reported feeling closer to each other than the first, but more importantly even weeks after the experiment they still kept in touch often becoming friends.

What are the five levels of vulnerability in speech? What are the two categories they are broken into?

Types of statements from least vulnerability revealing to the most revealing: The first three (phatic, factual and evaluative) constitute what we call the transactional category: communication that conveys thought oriented (as opposed to emotional) information. It is with connective interactions (gut level and peak statements) that we really make ourselves vulnerable to others. • Phatic statements - are not emotionally revealing. These are social niceties (e.g. Have a nice day). • Factual statements - somewhat more vulnerable. People share and seek basic bits of objective, factual data. e.g. I live in NY. What do you do for a living? These are straight forward observations to which no strong opinions are attached. • Evaluative statements - reveal our views about people or situations. In making such statements we are taking a position that is potentially in discord with others. Nonetheless the risk is pretty limited. e.g. I thought that movie was funny. • Gut level statements - reveal our feeling based perspective. They reveal something personal and emotionally laden about the speaker. We usually limit these types of conversations to the people who are closest to us, people whom we already trust. e.g. I am sad that you are not here. • Peak statements - the most emotionally vulnerable level, where we share our innermost feelings, feelings that are deeply revealing and which carry the most risk in terms of how the other person might respond. Even with our closest friends we rarely venture here. e.g. when you said I wasn't good with children, I was hurt. Do you really think I am so insensitive?

What do high self monitors do that make it easy for others to click with them?

When most of us meet a new person we spend a lot of energy trying to find a common ground. We evaluate whether we are coming across in the right way, whether we are talking too much or too little, whether we're being too formal or too flippant. A high self monitor does all the work for us. Rather than trying to find common ground, he will meet us where we are. If we're feeling excited and ebullient he will act ebullient and energetic as well. If we are reflective and serious, he will join us in being quiet and introspective. This is not fraudulent. They know what behavior the environment calls for in order to make the other person feel comfortable and valued. People click with high self monitors because they allow us to be ourselves around them.

In conversation, when people share a problem what are the two possible proper responses?

When people share a small problem you can either agree (Yes that is a problem) or you can share a similar problem that you yourself had.

How can we test whether a person is willing to go "deeper" in a conversation?

When we open up the other person may back away, or he may respond in kind acknowledging that he would like to take the relationship to a deeper level.

What part of the brain is associate with pain?

anterior cingulate cortex - the part of the brain associated with pain.

Quick set intimacy

quick set intimacy - like in a movie moment where you see someone for the first time and are instantly in love, though this instant "click" can be for a friendship, or business relationship as well.

Vulnerability

vulnerability - one of the five click accelerators. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, precisely because you are putting yourself at emotional, psychological or physical risk. Other people react by being more open themselves. The fact that you are both letting your guard down helps lay the groundwork for a faster, closer, personal relationship. When you both make yourselves vulnerable and are candid in revealing who you are and how you feel, you create an environment that fosters the kind of openness that can lead to an instant connection.