com 112 ch 12: managing conflict

toxic conflict: 4 horsemen

1. criticism 2. defensiveness 3. contempt 4. stonewalling

conflict management in practice

1. define your needs 2. share your needs with the other person 3. listen to the other person's needs 4. generate possible solutions 5. evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one 6. implement the solution 7. follow up the solution

expressed struggle

= all the people involved in conflict must know that some disagreement exists =doesn't have to be verbal =can show displeasure with someone without saying a word =dirty look, the silent treatment, and avoiding the other person are all ways of expressing yourself

competition (win-lose)

=a WIN LOSE approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others =passive aggression =direct aggression

perceived incompatible goals

=all conflicts look as if one person's gain would be another's loss =goals aren't completely incompatible solutions do exist that allow both people to get what they want =as long as they perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive, the conflict is real

the other person

=although win win is a fine ideal, sometimes the other person isn't interested in collaborating =some communicators are so competitive they put winning on even minor issues ahead of the well being of your relationship, such cases==efforts to collaborate may have low chance of success

conflict styles

=avoidance (lose-lose) =accommodation (lose-win) =competition (win-lose) =compromise (negotiated lose-lose) =collaboration (win-win) =which style to use?

define your needs

=begin by deciding what you want or need =needs won't always be clear, often necessary to think about a problem alone, before approaching the other person involved

contempt

=belittles and demeans =takes form of name-calling putdowns or sarcastic barbs =communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls and disgusted sighs

conflict in relational systems

=complementary symmetrical conflict =toxic conflict: the four horsemen =conflict rituals

perceived scarce resources

=conflicts also exist when people believe there isn't enough of something to go around: affection, money, space, and so on =time is often scarce commodity

inevitability

=conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best relationships =impossible to avoid conflicts =challenge is to handle them effectively when they do arise

direct aggression

=directly aggressive communicator lashes out to attack source of displeasure 9 types: =character attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, maledictions (wishing the other bad fortune), teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, and nonverbal emblems =verbal and nonverbal dimensions =can have severe impact on target

what is conflict

=expressed struggle =perceived incompatible goals =perceived scarce resources =interdependence =inevitability

variables in conflict styles

=gender =culture

win-win problem solving

=goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved =not only to partners avoid trying to win at each other's expense, but there's also a belief that working together can provide a solution in which all reach their goals without needing to compromise

escalatory spiral

=if both partners treat one another with matching hostility, one threat and insult leads to another =destructively symmetrical

de-escalatory spiral

=if the partners both withdraw from one another instead of facing their problems =complementary

implement the solution

=now the time comes to try out the idea selected to see if it does, indeed, satisfy everyone's needs

passive aggression

=occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner =take form of "crazymaking" tactics designed to punish another person without direct confrontation =makes target crazy

stonewalling

=occurs when one person in a relationship withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue, and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way =sends a disconfirming "you don't matter" message to the other person

accommodation (lose-win)

=occurs when we allow others to have their own way rather than asserting our own point of view =low concern for themselves and high concern for others, resulting in LOSE-WIN =motivation of an accommodator plays significant role in this style's effectiveness

share your needs with the other person

=once you've defined your needs, it's time to share them with your partner 1. be sure to choose a time and place that is suitable =unloading on tired/busy partner lowers the odds that your concerns will be well received =be sure you are at your best also 2. use the descriptive "I" language

listen to the other person's needs

=once your own wants and needs are clear, it's time to find out what the other person want and needs are clear, it's time to find out what the other person wants and needs

culture

=people from most cultures prefer mutually beneficial resolutions to disagreements whenever possible =ways in which people communicate during conflicts vary from one cultrue to another

interdependence

=people in a conflict are dependent on each other =welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of another

defensiveness

=reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility and counterattacking

gender

=some research suggests men and women often approach conflicts differently =boys are more likely to be aggressive, demanding, and competitive =girls are more cooperative and accommodating =girls--"let's"

which style to use?

=the situation =the other person =your goals

criticism

=these are attacks on a person's character =difference between legit complaints phrased in descriptive "I" language, and critical character assaults stated as evaluative "you" messages

evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one

=time to evaluate the solutions is after they have all been generated, after you feel you have exhausted all the possibilities

follow up the solution

=to stop the process after selecting and implementing a particular solution assumes any solution is forever, that people remain constant, and that events never alter circumstances

conflict rituals

=when people have been in a relationship for some time their communication develops into conflict rituals =unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior

the situation

=when someone clearly has more power than you, accommodation may be best approach

your goals

=when you want to solve a problem it's generally good to be assertive =but there are other reasons for communicating in conflict

generate possible solutions

=you and your partner think of ways to satisfy both your needs =brainstorming--inventing as many potential solutions as you can --seek quantity without worrying about quality

compromise (negotiated lose-lose)

LOSE LOSE =gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals =ppl usually settle for a compromise when it seems that partial satisfaction is the best they can hope for

collaboration (win-win)

WIN WIN =seeks win win solutions to conflict =involves high degree of concern for both self and others with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way" but "our way" =can lead to win win outcome, where each person gets what she or he wants

complementary and symmetrical conflict

complementary conflict= partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors =destructive symmetrical conflict=both people use the same tactics constructive symmetry occurs when both people communicate assertively, listening to one another's concerns and working together to resolve them

avoidance (lose-lose)

lose-lose =occurs when people ignore or stay away from conflict =can be physical or conversational =reflects a pessimistic attitude about conflict =usually believe it's easier to put up with the status quo than to face the problem head-on and try to solve it =typically leads to unsatisfying relationships