Dolly Levi Lines Practice (Hello Dolly)

"For dumping the ashes"

"Yes, it takes a woman" (hum) You know, Ephraim, I think I'll have that room done over in blue wallpaper. Yes, in blue! Ermengarde, Ambrose, come on out here! We've got plans to make!

out of here, all of you...

..Congratulations, congratulations, a thousand congratulations!

Order of People to Pair Up

1. Paul & Katie J. 2. Peter & Danielle 3. Nathan & Hannah 4. Jack & Gia 5. Katie I. & Josh 6. Isaac & Morgan

what's in all this for you?

A living, Mr. Kemper. Some people paint, some sew... I meddle!

rhythm!

Absolutely no sense of rhythm is one of the primary requirements for learning by the Gallagher-Levi Method. Just give me five minutes of your time, Mr. Hackl, and I'll have you dancing in the streets. We'll start with Lesson Seven, the Waltz Kick Turn. Now it's simple, right foot, touch, left foot, touch, under, back, around, touch. Back, though, around, behind. Out, over...release...unfurl! That's wonderful, when I think of the lucky women who'll find heaven in your arms, let's go back to Lesson One. ("Dancing")

her now.

Age nineteen; weight, a hundred and two; waist forty seven -

Partner?

And Barnaby can have Cornelius' old job!

I demand an explanation!

And I'm going to give it to you! Why shouldn't she know Cornelius Hackl! Everybody in New York know Cornelius Hackl! He's here at the opera, in all the fashionable homes, why he's at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant three times a week!

Good! Then cancel the chicken!

And bring a turkey!

wild goose chase, Mrs. Levi!

And speaking of poultry I am also available for fresh Jersey eggs, surgical corsets re-boned, ears pierced, pierced ears replugged...

in the city!

And well it should be! What food! And the fastest waiters in New York! By the way, I might be a little late so Miss Money will meet you in front of the restaurant. Wait till you see her, Horace, all in buttercup yellow with baby pink shoes and humming an old fashioned tune, yes, Sweet Rosie O'Grady, you couldn't miss her if you tried.

Wait!

But - ("So Long Dearie")

if we don't get there on time -

But we will, Mr. Kemper! And not only will Horace Vandergelder give you permission to marry his niece, Ermengarde, but he will also dance at your wedding and not alone either because I happen to be engaged in finding him a suitable second wife himself. What he really wants is someone steady to clean the house. As my late husband Mr. Levi always said, marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder...

I don't want to be charming!

But you are. Look at you now. You can't hide it. Now sit down, Horace, and let's talk of something else. But before we change the subject there's one more thing I am going to say.

What? What?

Congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder! All New York is buzzing with the news that you've practically proposed to Irene Molloy. The streets are lined with eligible young ladies prostrate with grief. All my congratulations and sympathy -

gold cup bent -

Cruelty to a poor unfortunate minor - (Ermie "wails") Would you mind repeating that, dear -

Sympathy?

Did I say that? A slip of the tongue, that's all. No I'm delighted with the happy news, after all she wasn't easy to unload - by that I mean you know what people said although I for one never believed the rumors, no I didn't...

married, you know

Did she...

What you wanted - a chicken! Now see here, Mrs. Levi, about this hoochie coochie girl -

Did you say chicken? Oh, I don't think I could face a chicken, not a chicken, not today, not after what's happened.

Parade!

What an amazing coincidence! Guess who's been chosen to ride on the main float - the Spirit of Fourteenth Street - Miss Money! Her mother was a Cash, you know.

That's the trouble with you, Dolly. Always wanting to know everything! Always putting your nose into other people's affairs. Anybody who married you would be as nervous as a cat.

What? What's that you're saying?

this very afternoon!

Which is exactly why I'm on my way to Yonkers this morning, Mr. Kemper, and can take on your case and knock off four lovebirds with one stone or whatever I'll throw I'll see and well well well what do you think of that I have nothing here to pay my train fare with, only large bills fives and sevens...

It ain't the same man!

Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage and pulled her through the streets? Cornelius Hackl! And who dressed up as a waiter at the Fifth Avenue Hotel and dropped an oyster down Mrs. Astor's... oh, I can't say it but it was Cornelius. He's the playboy of New York! Now Irene, don't deny it, I can see you were taken with him just like everybody else.

I'll... I'll -

Why Horace Vandergelder, as I live and breathe, if you aren't handsome in that outfit! So few men nowadays have the courage to wear faun yellow and taupe.

you, ""!

Why, Horace -

will be marching!

Why, Irene. You're crying!

I've got a headache; I'm going back to my hotel.

You can't go now. The competition's about to begin -

What do you mean?

You know as well as I do, Horace, the you're the first citizen of Yonkers. And your wife would have to be a somebody. Answer me, am I a somebody?

counselor at law!

Your honor... the defense rests! No, there is no need to call witnesses, ladies and gentlemen, when I see upon that bench a brow that gleams with honor - a pair of snow white whiskers that bristle with fair play, and a nose, I ask you to look at that nose, ladies and gentlemen... a nose that shines in the night like a flaming beacon of justice! Would you turn this way a bit, Your Honor, so we can get a better look at your beacon? A living symbol of the motto of this great land - E Proboscus Unum! Your Honor, I ask for freedom for my clients and a verdict of guilty from the only real culprit... Horace Vandergelder of Yonkers, New York!

waist forty seven?

That's with the money belt. Now I could arrange for you to meet this Ernestina this very afternoon.

What canal?

The Erie!... Both

a certain Ambrose Kemper!

I could do that for you, Mr. Vandergelder. I know just how to handle such things.

("I Put My Hand In") Mrs. Levi!

I know Mr. Kemper, the Yonkers train is ready to leave! Now you go buy our tickets, get a window seat, order lunch and I'll meet you on board. Ephraim Levi, I'm going to get married again. I'm going to marry Horace Vandergelder for his money and send it out circulating among the people like rainwater the way you taught me - and I want a sign from you, sometime today, that you approve. Oh it won't be a marriage in the sense we had one but I shall certainly make him happy... and I'm tired, Ephraim! Tired of living from hand to mouth so I want that sign...

Dolly Gallagher!

I know just what you're going to say, Horace, you're not satisfied with Ernestina. Well, I have another girl for you, the ideal wife - but don't let me interrupt you, you were doing something, what were you doing?

you mean to say that Mrs. Molloy -

I mean to say nothing, Mr. Vandergelder. Just friendly advice. Keep away from the chowder. By the way, she's ordered her wedding gown, beautiful; you should see it - black! Well, as I said before, Mr. Vandergelder, congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials and may you rest in... I mean, may guardian angels watch over you both. Particularly at dinner.

I don't want to hear it! And you're wasting your time, Dolly Levi! I won't ask you to marry me!

I suppose that means you want me to ask you. Well I'm sorry, Horace, I'm turning you down.

to say!

I was just about to call you, Mr. Hackl. Go right ahead.

Come with us, Dolly.

I will, Irene! I will. (cont' "Parade)

Will you stop saying that!

I won't say another word.

my purse (barnaby, purse you found - )

Impossible! I can't imagine you without your purse!

that dancer!

Isn't he wonderful! With talent like that he's sure to win the "solid gold" cup -

How can you turn me down when I haven't asked you anything?

It's no use arguing. I've made up your mind. Here,, let me cut your wings...

to work there!

It's the only way to show Horace Vandergelder we mean business! Now you go to Harmonia Gardens this afternoon and say Mrs. Levi sent you and incidentally tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back and I want a table for two and a chicken for eight o'clock tonight!

necessary, Dolly!

It's the way things are done in the law, Irene. Dinner first, garnishee afterwards.

Dolly -

It's too late Horace. I've failed. And when a woman fails, there's nothing else she can say -

the safe is upstairs -

Money, money, money, money, money. ("x5")Mr. Vandergelder's money. It's like the sun we walk under... it can kill or cure. Vandergelder's never tired of saying that most people in the world are fools, and in a way he's right, isn't he? Himself, Irene, Cornelius, myself! Yes, we're all fools and we're all in danger of destroying the world in our folly, but the surest way to keep us out of harm is to give us the four or five human pleasures that are our right in the world - and that takes a little money. The difference between a little money and no money at all is enormous... and can shatter the world! And the difference between a little money and an enormous amount of money is very slight, and that can shatter the world, too. It's all in how you use it. As my lat husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say, money - pardon the expression - is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow! Anyhow, that's the opinion of the second Mrs. Vandergelder! Which reminds me Ephraim... I'm ready for that sign!

American... uh-

Moses.

Mrs. Levi!

Mr. Kemper, the artist! You know, I'm something of an artist myself, I do those silhouettes with scissors and black paper, here's one of Ada Rehan looking the other way. I have to do them like that because I'm no good at noses.

in that closet-

Mr. Vandergelder, you can't! It's too dangerous!

I don't like my wings cut!

No man does, Horace. No man does.

stand aside!

No man indeed, I'm sure you'd make short work of any man, those muscles; I can see them now rippling back and forth under your coat, ripple ripple ripple, back and forth! Ripple, ripple, ripple!

in a place like that

Not acquaintances, Mr. Kemper, friends. Dear friends from days gone by. My late husband Ephraim Levi believed in life and anyplace you could find it - cafes, ballrooms, yes even theaters! Why, even when times were bad, every Saturday night like clockwork down those stairs at the Harmonia Gardens we came, Ephraim and me.

what is the meaning of this?

Nothing to get upset about, Horace, a last minute substitution. Miss Money had a sudden urgent business appointment at the Mint. They ran a little short and she's helping out. But she'll meet you at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant at eight o'clock tonight!

What rumors?

Nothing to get upset about, Mr. Vandergelder. I mean according to all known facts her first husband passed on quite naturally. It's just that he went so sudden.. A few spoons of chowder she made special for him and pfft! But, it could happen to anyone. No there's no truth in it. Just one word of advice, Mr. Vandergelder. Eat out!

What did you say?

Nothing, a word, heiress.

What are you doing now?

Nothing. Just looking the place over. Getting acquainted with the surroundings.

to dance.

Now it's very simple, you put one arm here... and one arm here -

"Put On Your Sunday Clothes"

Now the first thing to do is make you financially independent. I know! I'll find you a job. Can you dance?

Painters taught how to dance!

Now, there's a man, Rudolph Reisenweber, at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant on Fourteenth Street, I'll give you a note for him and we'll see if he can't have you both entered in the polka contest tonight. The prize is a week's engagement and a gold cup. Oh, the cups we won, Ephraim and me!

Excuse me.

Of course.

Mrs. Molloy first!

Oh dear, what races you make me run! Very well, Mr. Vandergelder, I'll meet you on that bench in front of Mrs. Molloy's hat shop at two thirty as usual.

in my own safe!

Oh, Mr. Vandergelder, you're killing me! He's one of the Hackls. They built the canal.

will i ever marry you!

Oh, that wasn't it at all, Horace, all I wanted to say to you was - (first two "Goodbyes")

wonderful woman!

Oh, you're partial. No, Horace, it won't be enough for you to load your wife with money and jewels, to insist that she be a benefactress to half the town... by the way, it's bad business letting Cornelius open a store right across the street from you. Better take him back and let him be your partner.

I didn't bring the matter up at all.

One more thing I ought to say before we forget all about it. It's true, I'm a woman who likes to know everything that's going on; who likes to manage things; but I wouldn't like to manage anything as out of control as your household. You'll have to do that yourself, God helping you.

What a lovely lovely name.

Picture if you will, hair as shiny as a newly minted dime... eyes as big and round as silver dollars... skin as soft and mossy as an old greenback -

"March, march, march" (song ends)

So you see, Mr. Vandergelder, there couldn't possible be a man in that closet! ("hears sneeze") God bless you.

Mrs. Levi!

Sometime today! Now don't you worry, Mr. Kemper, we'll make that train, we'll get to Yonkers, you'll marry Ermengarde. Just leave everything to me! ("I Put My Hand In")

will you stand aside!

Stand indeed, Mr. Vandergelder! That's exactly what the court will want to know when you're accused of entering that closet without a search warrant. I mean what do you stand for if you don't stand for the law of this great land? I know what I stand for! ("Motherhood March")

a thing unless -

Thank you, Ephraim -

here, Dolly...

That way we'll all be together so we can dance at Ermengarde's wedding!

I don't like like beets!

That's good! No, Horace, a complaining, quarrelsome, friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me. You salt your beets... And I'll salt mine.

I don't like beets! I hate beets!

That's nice. Now dig right in. Yes, the pity of it is you could be a perfectly charming, witty, amiable man if you wanted to.

Call on....

Dolly Levi! That's right, Mrs. Dolly Levi, born Gallagher - Social introductions, ladies and gentlemen of excellent family introduced under the most respectable conditions in an atmosphere of elegance and refinement Object matrimony! Unfortunately I won't be able to offer my usual lightning service today as I have a previous appointment in Yonkers, New York, arranging the second marriage of Mr. Horace Vandergelder, the well known half-a-millionaire - as my late husband Ephraim Levi always said that means he's got at least sixty thousand cash - but I'll do my best to have you carried across somebody's threshold before the week is out! Now, I might also mention I'm available for financial consultation, instruction in the guitar and mandolin, short distance hauling... and varicose veins reduced!

anyone else!

Ephraim - he's as good as mine.

Such a long long time!

Ephraim, let me go! It's been long enough, Ephraim! Every evening for all these years I've put out the cat, I've locked the door, I've made myself a little rum toddy and before I went to bed I said a prayer, thanking God that I was independent, that no-one else's life was mixed up with mine. Then one night an oak leaf fell out of my Bible. I placed it there when you asked me to marry you, Ephraim. A perfectly good oak leaf but without color and without life. And I suddenly realized that I was like that leaf... for years I had not shed on tear nor had I been filled with the wonderful hope that something or other would turn out well. And so I've decided to rejoin the human race, and Ephraim... I want you to give me away! ("Parade")

"Sunday Clothes" bowler brim lines

Ermengarde stop sniveling - don't cry on the valises! We haven't missed the train yet, thank the Lord. Lovely, you're improving - now, get all eleven pieces. We're seven minutes late! (whistle) All aboard!

Exactly!

Ernestina whom I trusted!

explanation of -

Ernestina!

Good!

Except this. At your age, Horace, you should enjoy hearing the honest truth.

good afternoon.

Good Lord, the whole room's crawling with me, I'll never get over it. I take it I'll see you later this afternoon, Mr. Vandergelder?

her name!

Her name? Er, um, blah... Money? Ernestina Money.

forgive me and marry me!

Horace - stop right there!

I said anybody who married you would -

Horace Vandergelder, get that idea right out of your head this minute. I'm surprised that you even mentioned such a thing. Understand once and for all that I have no intention of marrying you!

waiting for?

Horace Vandergelder, what is going on up there?

I'll dance -

Horace! I never thought I'd hear you say a thing like that!

pay for it!

Horace, it's the latest thing - a polka! And there's one dance I particular want you to see.

blue wallpaper - ("Finale Ultimo" begins)

Horace...

How are you Mrs. Levi?

How are you, Mrs. Rose.

Dolly!

The one man responsible for these grievous charges of willful destruction of private property -

as arranged!

Very well, Mr. Vandergelder, then there's nothing more for me to do but go back to New York and tell the other girl, the heiress, not to wait...

It's not out of control.

Very well, let's not say another word about it. Have some beets, Horace, they're good.

Mrs. Levi, you misunderstood me!

Well I certainly do hope not! But if I had any intention of marrying again, it would be to a far more pleasure loving man than you. However we won't discuss it any more. Here's the waiter with our food. I'll serve Mr. Vandergelder, Rudolph. Here's some white meat for you... and dumplings, lighter than air they are, and some giblets, very tender and very good for you. No, as I said before, you go your way, and I'll go mine. Start right in on the wine. I think you'll feel better at once. However, since you brought the matter up, there's one more thing I ought to say.

I didn't mean that!

Well I certainly hope not! Horace Vandergelder, you go your way, and I'll go mine. I'm not some Irene Molloy whose head can be turned by a few chocolate covered peanuts - unshelled! Why, the idea of you even suggesting such a thing!

Officer Gogarty.

Well if you ask me, Irene, calling an officer's letting them off too easy. The law courts, that's where they belong. I've been adding up the legal offenses these two have committed and believe me you've got grounds for at least two writs, a non compos mentis, and a garnishee. Now, the main thing is to show that you tried to settle it amicably first. Have dinner with them.

upstairs!

Well, Horace, as I was saying. I've found you the ideal wife.

now, Mrs. Levi!

Well, Horace, that's your life... without niece, without clerks, without bride, and without your purse. It looks like there's only one more thing to say -

My age! My age! You're always talking about my age!

Well, I don't know what your age is, but I do know that up in Yonkers with bad food and a bad temper, you'll double it in six months. Have some more beets! They're good!

She wanted to do the hoochie coochie!

Well, she always was artistic! Horace, I'm going to have our table moved down front. There's someone in the dance competition I particular want you to see. Now don't let's say another word about it, I'm just as shocked as you are. I-can't-eat-a-thing-what-have-you-ordered?

neither?

Well, then I happen to have one more name on my list, Mr. Vandergelder, a name I know as well as my own but let's not go into that now. It'll come up by itself all in good time, don't you worry about it! Oh, but wait'll you see Ernestina, Horace! A vision! A dream!

I paint!

Well, then, my card!