Family & Couple Therapy - John Gottman and the Gottman Method
The Sound Relationship House Model 1-7
*(1) Build Love Maps:* How well do you know your partner's inner psychological world, his or her worries, stresses, joys, and dreams? *(2) Share Fondness and Admiration:* The antidote for contempt, this level focuses on the amount of affection and respect within a relationship. (To strengthen fondness and admiration, express appreciation and respect.) *(3) Turn Towards:* State your needs, be aware of bids and turn towards them. The small moments of everyday life are actually the building blocks of relationship. *(4) The Positive Perspective:* The presence of positive affect in problem-solving discussions and the success of repair attempts. *(5) Manage Conflict:* We use the term "manage" conflict rather than "resolve" conflict because relationship conflict is natural and it has functional, positive aspects. Understand the critical difference in handling perpetual problems and solvable problems. *(6) Make Life Dreams Come True:* Create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her dreams, values, convictions and aspirations. *(7) Create Shared Meaning:* Understand important dreams, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Definitions & Explanations
*(1) Criticism* • Gottman distinguishes between criticism and complaints, because one partner will always have certain complaints about his or her spouse. *Complaining about one's spouse is normal*; however, the way one goes about expressing these complaints is most important. *The problem arises when complaints turn into criticisms* • *Attacking your partner's personality or character*, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong, are criticisms and these include generalizations such as "you always..." "you never...""you're the type of person who ..." "why are you so ..." • A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. An example of the difference between a complaint and a criticism is the following: *Complaint:* "You should have told me earlier that you're too tired to make love. I'm disappointed, and I feel embarrassed." *Criticism:* "Why are you so selfish? It was really nasty of you to lead me on." • Criticism is very common in relationships, and when used often, can lead to the second horseman. *(2) Contempt* • The second horseman, *contempt*, *often follows criticism*. Criticism can lead to contemptuous comments directed at one's partner. • *Contempt is attacking your partner's sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her and include:* - Insults and name-calling: "bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy..." - Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery - Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip • Other examples of contempt are when a person uses sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. • *Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen* (and the most highly predictive of divorce) because it communicates disgust to the person it is directed toward. As a result, the conflict escalates. • It becomes impossible to solve a problem when the message being sent is that one partner is disgusted with the other. *(3) Defensiveness* • Typically, when one partner uses contempt, the other partner becomes defensive, which is the third horseman. • Becoming defensive is a very common reaction to being treated with contempt. • Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that it never helps solve the problem at hand. • *"Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You're saying, in effect, the problem isn't me, it's you"* (Gottman et all.) • Examples of defensiveness include: -Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack: - Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) "It's not my fault...", "I didn't...") - Cross-complaining: meeting your partner's complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own; ignoring what your partner said - Disagreeing and then cross-complaining: "That's not true, you're the one who ..." "I did this because you did that..." - Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing - Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying - Whining "It's not fair." • As a result of defensiveness, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. • The escalating conflict usually leads to one partner tuning out the other, and this is a sign that the fourth horseman, stonewalling, has arrived. • Usually when the first three horsemen are used in a discussion (criticism, contempt and defensiveness) following a harsh startup, one partner will tune the other partner out. *(4) Stonewalling* • Stonewalling is *more common in men than in women.* • It is a way for them to *avoid the feeling of being flooded that usually occurs when a conflict escalates.* • The stonewaller tends to *ignore his partner and does not give any signs of responsiveness*, which makes his spouse even angrier. • *Stonewalling is withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict.* • Partners may think they are trying to be "neutral" but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness and include: - *Stony silence* - Monosyllabic mutterings - *Changing the subject* - Removing yourself physically - *Silent Treatment* • This behavior tends to enter marriages later, once couples have had a significant period of negative override -- "It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable out" (Gottman et al.). • Each of these four horsemen can predict divorce by themselves, but typically they are found together in an unhappy marriage.
Review Template Assessment Processes/Goals:
*1. Couple* • Assessment of the couple's strengths and challenges that need improvement. What brings them to therapy. Tape conflict discussion with physiological monitoring. *2. Individual* • Oral history interview. Fill out questionnaires about the "Sound Relationship House Theory" *3. Individual* • Oral history interview. Fill out questionnaires about the "Sound Relationship House Theory" *4. Couple* • Assessment is compiled based on the above information and is presented to the couple. Treatment goals are formed and the intervention can begin. • All Sessions begin with the couple's concerns and emotions • Build therapeutic alliance by being empathic to emotions • Emotion-focused therapy, experiential and centered in the here and now • Provide the couple with guidance on how to create a successful relationship • Make therapy a dyadic experience • Therapist is a compassionate emotional coach and translator of feelings and needs of each person. • Teach the couple constructive ways to interact
Gottman: Making Relationships Work 4 Videos
*First video* - Able to look at child something by looking at how the parents argued - Masters from disasters - Book "intimate enemy" - The way to help marriages - people don't air their resentment in marriage - So he would then ask to air their resentment - He found that people would leave feeling more resentment than not *Second Video* - Criticism defensiveness - The masters do the opposite of the problem "That is interesting, how do you see the problem and how do we fix this" - Disasters - they would do the opposite and counter attack - *Contempt is our best predictor of divorce and sex in same sex marriages* - Stonewalling - Listener withdrawal - The stonewaller doesn't give cues, no eye contact, head nodding etc. - The sonewaller is really tuned out like a wall - An elevated heart rate around 100 DPA - 85% of stonewallers were males - Lesbians also stone wall so its not about gender - What they are doing is calming down and trying not to make the situation worst - Guys in masters relationships - They stone walled but were able to self soothed *Third video* - Bids for connection - *Turning towards* = response - *Turning away* = no response - *Turning against* "im trying to read! (says this after someone tries to tell them a joke)" - *Bids* are ways in which your partner expresses a need for conversation and emotional support - The conflict that can be a way that couples get close to each other - It's a mechanism of learning how to love each better - as long as it is constructive conflicts - Romance - An agreement that you make with your partner that there will be magic in your relationship that will become a reality *Fourth Video* - Admiration is just as important for love and respect - Relationships that stay together and remain unhappy are similar to ones that break up, just a little less intense - One thing - to know and honor your spouses dreams - Elliot Aaronson - Jigsaw classroom - children to be able to work cooperatively with one another - Dont know the role of chemistry in his model
Review Template Major Therapeutic Goals:
*Goal 1: Down-Regulate Negative Affect During Conflict* • An escalation of negative affect (from mild to extreme) during conflict is a predictor of early divorce • Satisfying relationships: during conflict a couple takes a gentle approach and down-regulates their own and partner's physiological arousal. They attempt to reach a compromise and accept repair attempts. • Perpetual unsolvable conflicts- Conflicts exist because of consistent personalities and will never be solved. Rather, couples need to find a way to deal with them without escalating the issues. Therapy can also help to bring forth their value systems and reasoning behind their disagreements *Goal 2: Up-Regulate Positive Affect During Conflict* • The importance of agreement, or just say "Yes dear" • Research suggests that agreeableness is important and in stable relationships, while negativity might still exist, it is overruled by almost 5 times the amount in positive statements. • Master's of relationships are also able to repair conflicts with lower thresholds of negativity and are low on contempt. • Therapists can also help couple recognize more positive qualities in the relationship, which they were unable to first recognize due to their negative mindset. *Goal 3: Build Positive Affect during Non-Conflict* • Savoring positive affect systems if what holds couples together by establishing a secure attachment. • Savoring involves being open and willing to positive affects. • EFT can be beneficial for couples who need to heal attachment injuries and create a secure bond. • There is no optimal amount of interdependence vs. independence and interdependence should not be characterized as pathological or "enmeshment." The amount of interdependence vs. independence should be up to the couple. • The goal changes from differentiation to emotional availability and responsiveness. *Goal 4: Bridge Meta-Emotion Mismatches* • Having couples form the view that emotional situations are opportunities for intimacy. • Teach couples how to ask open-ended questions and respond with interest and empathy. *Goal 5: Create and Nurture a Shared Meaning System*
Refusal to accept influence:
*not accepting any part of what one's partner is saying.* When a person refuses to accept influence it usually *reflects a fear of being controlled by another and an unwillingness to compromise.* De-escalating low intensity negativity refers to being sensitive to the initial signs that one's partner is upset and making an effort to calm the partner down.
The Sound Relationship House Model
- This is building a sound relationship house - You build up - *The first 3 floors are the friendship system:* - Build love maps - Shared fondness - Turn towards - *The next 2 is the conflict system:* - Positive perspective - Manage conflict - *The top 2 floors are the meaning system:* - Make life dreams come true - Create shared meaning
Gottman Therapy: 5 Main Goals
1 - regulate conflict 2 - be able to process a fight 3 - be able to process a failed bid for emotional connection 4 - establish & maintain rituals of emotional connection 5 - plan for relapse
Gottman is renowned for thorough and creative research methods:
1) Extensive data collection and coding. In Gottman's research, subjects are recorded for the following aspects (many of them for the same episode): • Physical data (sweating, heart rate, HRV, skin temperature) • Facial expressions: coded for emotions based on the Paul Ekman facial signals of emotions • Talk content: subjects were asked to press a dial about the level of feelings, etc., in the conversation afterwards. • 2) Nonlinear mathematical modeling
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Using these 4 variables, prediction of divorce increases to about
85 or 90% Later divorcing is predicted by ABSENCE of positive affect (affection, interest & humor), NOT simply the presence of negative affect.
Important Terms Based on these results, Gottman identifies the four worst behaviors during conflict, which he calls the four horsemen, after the "four horsemen of the apocalypse:"
Criticism Stonewalling Defensiveness Contempt Eliminating the four horsemen is an important element in his therapeutic approach for couples locked in conflict.
Review Template Therapeutic Techniques:
Employing the sound relationship house theory guidelines discussed above. • *Rapport's Blueprint for Speaker and Listener:* • A way to start out discussions to make them more gentle by assigning roles • Helps each person listen to the other and talk about their individual needs without blaming the other • Each person is given paper a pen and a clipboard • The speaker expresses feelings using "I" statements and states a positive need (what he or she wants) • The listener then needs to be able to state the speaker's feelings and needs and to some degree validate them.
The 7 Affect Systems (or Roles)
Gottman believes that these systems form the *underpinnings of effective relationships;* They also contribute to "meta-emotion," i.e., an individual's attitudes, values, and feelings about the expression of various emotions. • *Sentry*-with the primary affects of fear and its opposite feelings of safety and security • *Nest Builder*-feelings involved in bonding, security, affection, love, connection and attachment and the opposite emotions of separation-distress/panic, grief, sadness, and loss • *Explorer*- seeking system with primary affects of curiosity and the joy of learning exploration and adventure • *Commander In Chief*-primary affects of anger, hostility, rage, dominance, control, and its opposites of submission and helplessness • *Sensualist*-affects of sensuality, sexuality, and lust • *Jester*-affects related to play, fun, humor, amusement, laughter, & joy • *Energy Czar*-involved in managing bodily needs concerned with energy, food, warmth, shelter & so on
Biography 2
Gottman is known for the major findings and observations below: • The physical elements in marital conflict (i.e., physical effects are central to the inability to think, etc., in conflict situations) for which he advises a 20-minute cooling period or physical relaxation. • Happily married couples treat each other as good friends, and approach conflict gently, in peaceful and often humorous ways, with at least a *5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative affects even in conflict.* • Happily married couples navigate negative emotions and can process them fully. Using repair skills, they are able to down-regulate each other's negative affect and to up-regulate each other's positive emotions. • The effects of "bids for connection." That is the smallest bids people do to connect and how the other reacts. For example, happy couples do have many more "bids for connection" when together, and much more "turn towards" response, and much, much less "turn away" - the most negative reaction. The book dedicated to this element is "The Relationship Cure." • The concept of *"trust,"* which Gottman defines as the *tendency to cooperate to form "win-win" situations*, and the ability to get unstuck from the loss-loss state loop. A central feature of unhappy relationships, notes Gottman, is that couples are stuck in loss-loss loops.
The Gottman Method Following sessions
Will include exclusive Gottman Method Interventions to increase emotional connectedness, increase communication and understanding and decrease negative interactions. All sessions are 80 minute sessions; some sessions may be videotaped upon consent; after completion of therapy, check-in sessions are recommended once every 3 months for 1 year. • The Assessment Process: lays out for the couple in clear terms their strengths and challenges and sets the stage for collaborative therapy planning. • The two initial joint sessions include the presenting issue, an oral history of the relationship, and a sample of a difficult (but not the most difficult) conversation. • *The Oral History engages the couple in reminiscing* in considerable detail about how they met, initial impressions of the other, the highlights of dating, becoming committed, the decision to get married (were they ever in love?), the wedding if there was one, the honeymoon, the first year, the transition to parenthood and the details of that, the good and hard times and why they stayed together, and how the relationship has changed over time. • For almost all couples this is a poignant and profound experience with moments that can be sweet, funny, or touching, as well as difficult and painful. • Revisiting their early hopes and dreams energizes them for the therapeutic road ahead. • They then explore their ideas about what makes a relationship work, agreeing on a couple they know who has a particularly good or a particularly bad relationship, describing what stands out about them and comparing them to their own. • Next, each partner describes their parents' relationship and the similarities and differences with their own. • They then receive "The Package" of questionnaires including a marital adjustment test, a marital status inventory, the SCL-90, the Emotional Abuse Questionnaire, the Gottman Sound Relationship House Questionnaires, and the Gottman 18 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems. The Conflict Tactics Scale is added when there is reason to suspect mild to moderate domestic violence. • "The Package" takes about an hour to an hour and a half to complete, with no comparing notes, and is very revealing to the couple, jump-starting their understanding of the nature of their issues. • The Individual Interviews draw out the individual narrative, relevant family history, prior relationships, prior therapy, commitment to the relationship, hopes and expectations, the cost-benefit analysis of the relationship, ongoing and previous physical, emotional and verbal abuse and battering, betrayals and infidelities, co-morbidities, sexual abuse history, and drug and alcohol abuse. Each partner gets an opportunity to voice additional concerns. • The empirical measures are reviewed side-by-side to reveal patterns and clarify where the pain/discontent is in each area, for each partner. • The empirical data work synergistically with the history and interviews, setting the stage for the collaborative therapy planning session that follows with the couple. • In the pivotal Collaborative Therapy Planning session, the couple and the therapist put it all together: what they've realized in reviewing their history, how they've clarified issues in the individual sessions, what was highlighted for them in completing the questionnaires, and what their hopes and expectations are for the therapy. • The therapist then uses the Sound Relationship House diagram and with the couple they map out the road ahead (aspects of the friendship system that need work, challenges the partners face in navigating conflict, and efforts to address their specific difficulties. • Also explored is the couple's status on where they are in terms of realizing each partner's life dreams, goals, and aspirations.
3 Things Never to Say in a Fight
You never You always Anything insulting or being superior
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 2. The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse -
criticism contempt defensiveness stonewalling
Important Terms Negative start-up:
is more of an attitude than an actual beginning. What really matters is the *underlying attitude*. So the wife may *begin with a gentle approach*, but *after a few minutes* the underlying belief that her husband is bad and uncaring *comes out in harsh criticism*.
Review Template Mechanisms of Change:
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Review Template Relevant Ethical Issues:
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Review Template Termination Issues:
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7 Principles That Make Marriage Work • 7. "Create shared meaning."
• "Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become," Gottman says. • And that's what it means to develop shared meaning. • Happy couples create a family culture that includes both of their dreams. In being open to each other's perspectives and opinions, happy couples naturally come together.
Goal 3: Build Positive Affect during Non-Conflict
• "The savoring of positive affect in multiple positive affect systems is what builds a wonderful and secure relationship."
Goal 1: Down-Regulate Negative Affect during Conflict
• *Step 1:* repair-processing fights and regrettable incidents without getting back into a fight - Taking turns talking about their needs & feelings during the fight - Taking turns describing their subjective realities - Validating part of their partner's reality - Admitting their role in the conflict - Talking about one way to make the conversation better next time • *Step 2:* Reducing the 4 horsemen - Criticism solution is to complain by talking about what one feels and expressing a positive need - Defensiveness solution is to take responsibility for even a small part of the problem - Contempt solution is to stop it and infuse respect into the relationship - Stonewalling solution is self soothing to reduce physiological arousal & emotional engagement • *Step 3:* Rapoport's Blueprint for Speaker and Listener I statements and sharing of a positive need Listener needs to reflect the speakers feelings and needs • *Step 4:* Problem Solving, Persuasion, & Compromise • *Step 5:* Blueprint for Perpetual Unsolvable Conflict: Dreams Within Conflict • *Step 6*: Down Regulating Negative Affect with Physiological Soothing
The Sound Relationship House Model cont
• *The Sound Relationship House Mode*l offers couples a blueprint, refined through the assessment process, of *how they might proceed in developing or rebuilding their relationship. * • The basic seven levels of relationship development, symbolized by seven floors of a house, buttressed by the vertical supports of trust on one side, and commitment on the other. • As a brief overview, there are three systems represented by the seven levels of the Sound Relationship House: the friendship system, the conflict system and the meaning system. • *The first three floors make up the friendship system, the basis for relationship vitality and requisite for handling conflict.* • The ground floor is Build Love Maps, knowing each other and staying updated on the partner's internal and external worlds. The fundamental process involves asking open-ended questions. • The second level is Share Fondness and Admiration, which includes appreciation, gratitude, affection, touch, and intimacy—to strengthen Fondness and Admiration, express appreciation and respect. • The third level is Turning Towards, building awareness of how one's partner asks for connection and expresses emotional needs (often in simple and mundane ways) and deciding to turn towards these "bids" rather than turning away dismissively or turning against with hostility or contempt. • Turning Towards the partner makes deposits in the emotional bank account of the relationship, creating a reserve to draw on in times of crisis or turmoil. • *The next two levels are where a lot of the action is, in the conflict system, beginning with The Positive Perspective.* • At this level, we find what it feels like to be in this relationship. • If the overarching sentiment is negative, it signals that the first three stories need work. Couples are in a negative-sentiment override when even neutral or positive messages are perceived as negative, and one or both are hypervigilant for negativity. • Building the Positive Perspective involves consciously changing the habit of mind of scanning for mistakes and disappointments, and shifting the focus to noticing what the partner is doing that is thoughtful, or interesting, or positive in some way. • *The Gottman motto of "small things often" can lead to lasting change.* • The fifth level, *manage conflict*, the area where many couples walking in the door want to dive into first, has two components: learning to dialogue about Perpetual (unsolvable) Problems, and working on Solvable Problems. • Gottman's research shows that 69% of the problems couples struggle with are basically unresolvable. But a dialogue can be established with the Perpetual Problem with lots of positive affect and interest, with affection and humor, with empathy, and with physiological self-soothing. • The *top two floors* of the Sound Relationship House encompass the *meaning system of a couple*, beginning with *Make Life Dreams Come True*, how the partners support each other's individual development and efforts to reach personal goals. • The crucial task here is to create an environment that welcomes honest exploration of each person's dreams, values, beliefs, and aspirations. • The attic is *Create Shared Meaning*. Here we see how the couple moves through time together, prioritizing their energies and resources, the stories they tell one another about their lives, their ancestors, their culture, their beliefs, and their legacy.
The Gottman Method The principle goals of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy are:
• *to disarm conflicting verbal communication* • *to increase intimacy, respect, and affection* • *to remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations* • *to create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship*. Other major goals of the treatment is to help couples: - Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z) - Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously - Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes) - Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative) - Claim responsibility: "What can I learn from this?" & "What can I do about it?" - Re-write one's inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating) - Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner's utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that one is making up • When couples enter the therapy office, they sting with pain and despair. • They look to the clinician to referee chronic conflicts, fix their partners, and rebuild burned bridges.
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 7. Signs That The Relationship End is Near (the death knell of a relationship is signaled by four final stages):
• 1. You see your marital problems as severe. • 2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own. • 3. You start leading parallel lives. • 4. Loneliness sets in.
The Gottman Method First three sessions are information gathering
• 1st session- Exploration of current problem, history of the relationship and packet of questionnaires. • 2nd session- Individual sessions with each partner 40 minutes per person • 3rd session- Feedback session of strengths and areas that need work and goal setting
Therapeutic Application
• Based on these discoveries, Gottman constructed a therapeutic approach, a combination of elements drawn from a wide variety of therapies and some techniques based on his observational research. • *His therapy is primarily a skills-based approach* with some emphasis on insight. • The basic assumption is that *if dysfunctional couples learn the skills and behaviors that successful couples have, they will have happy relationships.* • Therapy focuses on identifying the four horsemen when they appear during conflict, especially contempt. Gottman then counsels the couple to avoid these behaviors because research shows they are so destructive.
Minimal Conditions for Being in a Long-Term Relationship
• Belief that commitment is necessary for a relationship to succeed • Agreement of romantic and sexual exclusivity • Agreement that there will be no secrets, deceptions, betrayals • Agreement of fairness and care • Agreement to treat one another with respect and affection • Agreement in principle to try and meet one another's wants and needs
Goal 5: Create & Nurture a Shared Meaning System
• Build rituals of connection: a way of turning toward each other that people can count on - Formal & informal • Create shared meaning through supporting life's roles • Create shared meaning through shared life goals (make goals and values intentional)
Review Template Applicability: Appropriate Populations for Treatment Approach:
• Couples • Theory is utilized to determine whether a couple will stay together or not, the ability to predict divorce or stability and newlywed satisfaction. • Gives couples an array of guidelines for a successful marriage.
The Gottman Method Couple Therapy
• Developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman. • The Gottman Method is based on the principals taught in The Gottman Institute. • The Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a scientifically-based form of therapy that is delivered in a structured manner so as to attain goals outlined in the therapeutic environment. • It strives to assist clients in achieving a deeper sense of understanding, awareness, empathy, and connectedness within their relationships that ultimately leads to heightened intimacy and interpersonal growth. • By combining therapeutic interventions with scientifically-founded couples exercises, the therapy helps clients develop the tools necessary to remove the natural walls and defenses that hinder and prohibit effective communication and bonding. • After years of research, this remarkably effective form of treatment has been proven to provide positive results that facilitate the development of permanent changes within the dynamic of the couple relationship.
Goal 4: Bridge Meta-Emotion Mismatches
• Distressed couples have a poorly developed lexicon for their different emotions and often do not really know or care to investigate what they were feeling • Emotion coaching: belief that emotions are a guide for how to proceed through life • Build awareness of bids for connection • Emotion coaching: asking questions about feelings, putting words to emotional experience, and understanding and validating the partner's emotions before problem solving • Repair skills
5 Therapy Goals (loosely based on the 7 affect systems)
• Down-regulate negative affect during conflict • Up-regulate positive affect during conflict • Build positive affect during non-conflict • Bridge meta-emotion mismatches • Create and nurture a shared meaning system
Methods for Goals 1 and 2
• Emotional Connection During Everyday Moments - Build love maps - Build a culture of appreciation and respect - Turn toward bids involve s building an emotional bank account by becoming mindful of the way one's partners asks for what he or she needs - Emotional coaching is about periodically taking one's partner's emotional temperature - Increase and savor positive affect • Daily Stress-Reducing Conversation • Build Affection, Good Sex, Romance and Passion • Process Failed Bids for Emotional Connection
Myth Busting
• Expression of anger for catharsis only intensifies anger and conflict • Conflict is inevitable and perpetual - When you select a partner you are selecting a set of problems to live with
Biography
• Gottaman is known for his work on *marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations*, many of which were published in peer-reviewed literature. • The lessons derived from this work represent a partial basis for the relationship counseling movement that aims to improve relationship functioning and the avoidance of those behaviors shown by Gottman and other researchers to harm human relationships. • With his wife, Julie Schwartz, Gottman heads a non-profit research institute (The Relationship Research Institute) and a for-profit therapist training entity (The Gottman Institute). • Gottman was recognized in 2007 as one of the 10 most influential therapists of the past quarter century. • Critics argue that *"Gottman's research showed that it wasn't only how couples fought that mattered, but how they made up.* Marriages became stable over time if couples learned to reconcile successfully after a fight."
Background (by Karen Gless, Ph.D.)
• Gottman began the presentation by discussing why he began his research. It was in part triggered by Neil Jacobson's early studies that showed the weak effect of marital therapy. The earliest outcome studies of behavioral couple therapy (BCT) showed that at the conclusion of therapy and for about nine months afterwards about two thirds of the couples felt that their relationship was significantly improved (Hahlweg & Markham, 1988). • Work of Neil Jacobson: after couple therapy, relationships improve and studies found that the long-term picture was not nearly so rosy. At the two year posttreatment point, Jacobson and others found that *28 percent of the couples who felt that they had recovered during therapy had relapsed* (Jacobson et al., 1987). • *Gottman's initial goal in his research was to design a scientifically-based intervention for distressed marriages* -- he felt the best place to start was to research *"the masters of relationships," those couples who had successful, satisfying relationships.* • So he began by following newlywed couples and established couples for several years to get a normative sample. • By using a combination of interviews, testing, and videotaping interactions, Gottman carried out observational research to find out exactly what successful and distressed couples did together. • His team also set up a marriage lab at the University of Washington in an apartment to monitor couples' behavior with video cameras and measure physiological responses during weekend stays, somewhat like the MTV reality shows, but with a scientific purpose. • Based on this research, a clear picture of the differences between successful and distressed couples began to emerge. • Gottman found that it's the seemingly *minor moments that count.* The way couples turn toward, away from or against each other (for Gottman, the fundamental unit of intimacy is the bid -- reaching out for contact). • In these moments people are building an emotional bank account. • It is his conclusion that *failure to respond to these bids for intimacy is what produces conflict.* *In general he found that successful couples:* • Give each other many more positive strokes than negative (ten to one or higher) • Manage the intensity level of their arguments • Give each other more positive than negative strokes during an argument (five to one or higher) • Know about each other's lives, interests and past experiences • When a couple is engaged in conflict, if one or both of them becomes extremely upset, there is a good chance that the relationship will deteriorate. • He calls the state of being extremely upset *"flooding" or "Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA)."* In general, a *heart rate near or above 100 beats per minute* indicates that a person is *flooded* during conflict. • The term DPA is used to distinguish between a heart rate that is elevated due to exercise (simple physiological arousal) as opposed to an elevated heart rate caused by distress during conflict, which involves other brain/body systems.
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 5. "Solve your solvable problems." Gottman devised a five-step model for resolving these conflicts:
• Gottman devised a five-step model for resolving these conflicts: • *In step 1*, soften your startup, which simply means starting the conversation without criticism or contempt. • *In step 2*, make and receive "repair attempts." Gottman defines repair attempts as any action or statement that de-escalates tension. • *In step 3*, soothe yourself and then your partner. When you feel yourself getting heated during a conversation, let your partner know that you're overwhelmed and take a 20-minute break. (That's how long it takes for your body to calm down.) Then you might try closing your eyes, taking slow, deep breaths, relaxing your muscles and visualizing a calm place. After you've calmed down, you might help soothe your partner. Ask each other what's most comforting and do that. • *In step 4*, compromise. The above steps prime couples for compromise because they create positivity, Gottman says. When conflicts arise, it's important to take your partner's thoughts and feelings into consideration. • Here, Gottman includes a valuable exercise to help couples find common ground. He suggests that each partner draw two circles: a smaller one inside a larger one. In the smaller circle, make a list of your nonnegotiable points. In the bigger one, make a list of what you can compromise on. Share them with each other and look for common ground. Consider what you agree on, what your common goals and feelings are and how you can accomplish these goals. • *In step 5*, remember to be tolerant of each other's faults. • Gottman says that compromise is impossible until you can accept your partner's flaws and get over the "if onlies." (You know the ones: "If only he was this" "If only she was that.")
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 6. "Overcome gridlock."
• Gottman says that the goal with *perpetual problems is for couples to "move from gridlock to dialogue." * • Unfortunately *69%* of *marital problems are perpetual.* *Examples of perpetual problems are:* • Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he's not ready yet, and doesn't know if he ever will be. • Walter wants sex more frequently than Dana. • Tony wants to raise his children as Catholics. Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith. • Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he has the right approach. Their son has to be taught the correct way to do things. • What usually *underlies gridlock* is *unfulfilled dreams*. "Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other," Gottman writes. • Happy couples believe in the importance of helping each other realize their dreams. • So the first step in overcoming gridlock is to determine the dream or dreams that are causing your conflict. The next steps include talking to each other about your dreams, taking a break (since some of these talks can get stressful) and making peace with the problem. • "The goal is to *'declaw'* the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain," Gottman writes.
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 5. "Solve your solvable problems."
• Gottman says that there are *two types of marital problems:* *conflicts that can be resolved* and *perpetual problems that can't.* It's important for couples to determine which ones are which. • Sometimes, though, telling the difference can be tricky. • According to Gottman, "One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones." Solvable problems are situational, and there's no underlying conflict.
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 4. "Let your partner influence you."
• Happy couples are a team that considers each other's perspective and feelings. • They make decisions together and search out common ground. Letting your partner influence you isn't about having one person hold the reins; it's about honoring and respecting both people in the relationship. • Gottman found that *men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages, and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence.* • Statistically speaking, when *a man is not willing to share power with his partner*, there is an *81% chance that the marriage will self-destruct.* • Wives generally tend to let their husbands influence their decision-making, even in unstable marriages. • The research found that the happiest, most stable marriages were those where the husband treated the wife with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision-making with her.
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 2. "Nurture your fondness and admiration."
• Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other. • Gottman says that *fondness and admiration* are *two of the most important elements in a satisfying and long-term relationship*. If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can't be saved. • Gottman includes a helpful activity to remind couples of the partner they fell in love with called "I appreciate." He suggests that clients list their partner's positive characteristics along with an incident that illustrates each quality. Then read your lists to each other.
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work
• In *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, written with Nan Silver, Gottman revealed what successful relationships look like and features valuable activities to help couples strengthen their relationships. • He's found that nine months after attending his workshops, 640 couples had relapse rates of 20 percent, while standard maritaltherapy has a relapse rate of 30 to 50 percent. In the beginning of these workshops, 27 percent of couples were at high risk for divorce. Three months later, 6.7 percent were at risk. Six months later, it was 0 percent.
Predicting Relationship Problems and Divorce
• John Gottman has spent years studying marriages -- both marriages that have endured, and marriages that have eventually ended in divorce. • He studied marriages with the intent of uncovering the reasons why some marriages work and why other marriages fail. • After studying marriages for 16 years, he has learned to predict which couples will eventually divorce and which will remain married. • He can make this prediction based on the ways couples argue, *after listening to the couple for just five minutes*, with *91% accuracy*. • He can make these predictions with such a high degree of accuracy because he has discovered which behaviors will lead to a breakup of the marriage. • He has pinpointed *five signs that a couple will most likely suffer a future break-up*. • In one article, Gottman stated that he can predict with 95 percent accuracy, based on the husband's heart rate during conflict, whether a marriage will improve or deteriorate over the next three years (Gottman, 1991). *Some other predictors of marital problems Gottman found include:* • Wife showing contempt during conflict with the husband • Husband and wife being defensive • Wife complaining, husband stonewalling (demand/withdraw pattern) • Wife emotionally detached • In particular, *expressions of contempt by the wife were a very strong predictor of impending divorce.* • Gottman found that husbands tended to *stonewall, i.e., refuse to discuss an issue when they became flooded during conflict.* • A follow-up study (Gottman et al., 1998) added some other factors to the prediction of marital dissolution, *including negative start-up by the wife and husband not de-escalating low intensity negativity by wife.*
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 1. "Enhance your love maps."
• Love is in the details. That is, *happy couples are very much familiar with their partner's world*. According to Gottman, these couples have *"a richly detailed love map — his term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life." * • You know everything from your *partner's favorite movies to what's currently stressing them out to some of their life dreams, and they know yours.*
Major Works
• Nan Silver; Gottman, John (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: what you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last. New York: Simon & Schuster. ISBN 0-671-86748-2. • Joan Declaire; Gottman, John (1997). The heart of parenting: how to raise an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster. ISBN 0-684-80130-2. • The Marriage Clinic (W.W. Norton, 1999). • Nan Silver; Gottman, John (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press. ISBN 0-609-80579-7. - a New York Times bestseller • Joan Declaire; Gottman, John (2001). The relationship cure: a five-step guide for building better connections with family, friends, and lovers. New York: Crown Publishers. ISBN 0-609-60809-6. • Anne Gartlan; Julie Schwartz Gottman; Joan Declaire (2006). Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship. Random House Audio. ISBN 0-7393-3237-6. • Julie Schwartz Gottman; Gottman, John (2008). And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives. New York: Three Rivers Press. ISBN 1-4000-9738-X. • Gottman, John (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. ISBN 0-393-70595-1. • Gottman, John; Silver, Nan (2012). What makes love last. New York: Simon & Schuster. p. 305. ISBN 1451608489.
The magic five hours focus on:
• Partings: 2 minutes per day x 5 days = 10 minutes • Reunions: Stress reducing conversations at the end of the work day - 20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour 40 minutes. • Admiration and appreciation: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes. • Affection: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes. • Weekly date: 2 hours once per week = 2 hours. • Total: Five Hours!
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 4. Body Language
• Physiological changes in the body that coincide with flooding, such as an increased heart rate, the secretion of adrenalin, and an increase in blood pressure, are the fourth sign that enables Gottman to predict divorce. • These physiological changes in the body make it impossible to maintain the discussion. • Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it's harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. • Creative problem solving goes out the window. You're left with the most reflexive, intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall).
Review Template Issues of Resistance:
• Resistance may appear as distrust of the therapist or therapy process based on old attachment injuries. • There may also be fear/discomfort with the experience of intimacy.
7 Principles That Make Marriage Work 3. "Turn toward each other instead of away."
• Romance isn't a Caribbean cruise, an expensive meal or a lavish gift. Rather, romance lives and thrives in the everyday, little things. • According to Gottman, "[Real-life romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." • For instance, romance is leaving an encouraging voicemail for your spouse when you know he's having a bad day, Gottman says. Or romance is running late but taking a few minutes to listen to your wife's bad dream and saying that you'll discuss it later (instead of saying "I don't have time"). Gottman acknowledges that this might seem humdrum, but *turning toward each other in these ways is the basis for connection and passion.* Couples that turn toward each other have more in their "emotional bank account." Gottman says that this account distinguishes happy marriages from miserable ones. Happy couples have more goodwill and positivity stored in their bank accounts, so when rough times hit, their emotional savings cushion conflicts and stressors.
Review Template Figure/Approach: Gottman Theoretical View of Cause/Maintenance of Disorder or Pathology:
• Some people should not be in long-term relationships. • Negative communication patterns are highly predictive of divorce. • Fundamental beliefs for a long-term relationship. • Commitment is essential • Agreement of romantic and sexual exclusivity • No secrets, deceptions or betrayals • Fairness and care • Respect and affection • Hold the principle that that they will try to meet another's wants and needs
Other Therapeutic Applications
• Teaching couples about flooding and training them to take their pulse • Training couples to take breaks when one of them becomes flooded • Videotaping interactions and viewing them with the couple • Identifying dysfunctional conflict patterns and having the couple develop new behaviors • Training couples to give positive strokes (more positive strokes for each negative stroke) • Many other interventions such as having a couple share things that they appreciate about each other are based on interventions developed by behavioral couple therapists.
Review Template Theoretical Rationale for Intervention Approach:
• The Sound Relationship House Theory • The theory guides Gottman's interventions when working with couples. Instead of telling couples what they are doing wrong, the theory presents guidelines for a successful marriage. • Build love maps: couples should ask each other open ended questions in order to get a "love map" of their partner's inner world. • Build the fondness and admiration system: express affection and respect for one another everyday. • Turn toward instead of away: acknowledge partner's need for emotional connection. • Positive sentiment override: do not take partner's actions personally. • Two prolonged approach: manage conflict using a gentle approach, accepting influence, physiological soothing and compromise as well as a dialogue that explores "dreams within conflict." • Honor one another's life dreams • Build: build a meaning system that involves informational rituals of connection: supporting one another and creating shared goals and values.
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 5. Failed Repair Attempts
• The fifth sign that a marriage is bound to end in divorce is when one partner's attempts at repairing the conflict fails. Repair attempts are efforts made by the couple to deescalate the conflict. The *"repair attempt" is the happy couple's secret weapon*. This refers to using any method of preventing the negative emotions from spiraling out of control. • Repair attempts are efforts the couple make that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. For example, *"Let's take a break" or "I need to calm down."* • A repair attempt can be a *simple gesture* such as a *laugh, a smile or an apology;* anything that helps the couple ease the tension. • However, if one partner is feeling flooded, these repair attempts will be unsuccessful. The flooded partner disengages from the discussion, making repair attempts futile. • The *failure of repair attempts is a primary factor for unhappy relationships*. The presence of the *four horseman by themselves predict divorce* with about *82% accuracy.* However, when you *add in the failed repair attempts*, the *accuracy climbs into the 90% plus range.*
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 1. Harsh startup of discussion of a disagreement
• The first of these signs that will predict divorce is the way the discussion begins, because 96% of the time the way a discussion begins can predict the way it will end. • When one partner *begins the discussion using a harsh startup, such as being negative, accusatory or using contempt, the discussion is basically doomed to fail.* • On the other hand, when one partner *begins the discussion using a softened startup, the discussion will most likely end on the same positive tone.* • When the *discussion starts up with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt, the discussion has begun with a harsh start up.*
Biography 3
• The neutral affect provides a way out of negative interactions as most interactions do not transition directly from negative to positive. The degree of *neutral affect is often overlooked as a predictor of relationship success due to the very fact that the neutral affect is simply neutral.* • The dynamic to cause divorce in the short term is different from that causing divorce later. Early divorce is characterized by the *"four horsemen" of bad fighting, whereas later divorce is characterized by lower positive affect in earlier stages of the relationship.* • *Anger is not at all bad for relationships.* Happy couples are as frequently angry as unhappy couples. It seems that how people react to anger and how destructive they get is the crucial factor rather than the frequency of anger or fights. Gottman even says that *anger is functional in marriage.* • 69% of happy couples still have the very same unresolved conflicts after 10 years, yet remain happy because they do not get gridlocked in the conflict and manage to get around it. • Gottman argues that there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive and thus are the *four predictors to a divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt (called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).* • Among these four, Gottman considers *contempt the most important of them all.* • In his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, (his most popular book), Gottman discusses behaviors that he has observed in marriages that are successful and those that are detrimental to marriage, based on his research conducted at his lab (The Love Lab) in Seattle, Washington. • He has outlined seven principles that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments.
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 3. Flooding
• The third sign that signals a marriage is headed toward divorce is when one partner becomes flooded. • *"Flooding means that your spouse's negativity - whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness - is so overwhelming and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked".* • Many people protect themselves from feeling flooded by disengaging, or stonewalling. This emotional disengagement can protect one from these intense feelings of negativity, but as the same time it can also lead to divorce.
Goal 2: Up-Regulate Positive Affect during Conflict
• This is much more than what it seems. Less overt than simple positive statements. • Research has found that simple responsiveness to most nonverbal bids for attention and connection are highly beneficial • *Expressing fondness and admiration for small things*, offering genuine appreciation, being proud of your partner and communicating respect, are all vital.
What Predicts Divorce: 7 Factors 6. Pervasive Negative Thoughts About The Relationship/Bad Memories
• When the couple recalls their past life with a negative view. • Excessive negativity leads to a distorted perception that can affect the past, present and future of a relationship. • When a relationship gets consumed in negativity, it's not only the present that gets painted in a negative light, the past often gets re-written in a negative light also.
