Family Development
Indicators of Mature Individuation in Early Adulthood
*Functional, Financial, Psychological* >Capable of managing and directing their own personal affairs without help from family members >Take control of their own lives while remaining intimately connected to others *Emotional Independence* >The excessive need for approval, closeness, and emotional support *Emotional Reactivity* >The degree of conflictual feelings, including excessive guilt, anxiety, mistrust, resentment, and anger, toward one's parents *Pseudo-individuation* >Expressions of individuality appear to be successful but instead leave the person dependent on the family.
Criticisms of family stage model
*Individual development may follow a progressive model, but family development does not do so* >Single adults may have a child then get married >Marriage in later years is not necessarily more "advanced" >A family may be in several stages simultaneously (e.g. married with a child, teen, and launching child). >C&M model reflects a traditional middle class marriage and family structure which does not capture the complexity and diversity of modern American families >Many couples live together without marrying a segment of population is homosexual >Many will never marry >Many will divorce one or more times
Rhona Rapoport Family Transitions Model
*Stage theories tend to be "static" in nature and do not reflect well the "process" nature of family change and development. Stages are stable and calm period of family development* >Transitions are periods of instability, disorganization, stress, and potential change. >Critical Transitions involve arrivals and departures from the system (birth, death, divorce, launching, retirement) >During transitions...tasks must be reassigned, roles realigned, strategies revised.
Stage Four: Families with teens
*Tasks of adolescence* puberty cognitive transition social transition (individuation, peer relations, dating and sex) early identity development *Changes in parenting styles* common misconception that parents adopt a parenting style for life
Structural Diversity within Families with Children
All families must make adaptions that are shaped and constrained by the family's unique composition, structure, and circumstances.
Dimensions of Parenting Style
Responsiveness vs. Demandingness: Parental Responsiveness refers to the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, ad acquiescent to children's special needs and demands. Parental Demandingness refer to the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by heir maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts, and willingness to confront the child who disobeys
Erikson's View on Intimacy
The capacity to commit one self to concrete affiliations and partnerships and to develop the ethical strength to abide by such commitments even though they may call for significant sacrifices and compromises. When the family's tolerance for intimacy is low, family members' bids for autonomy may be permitted, but their needs for support, responsiveness, and mutual relatedness are likely to go unmet. In contrast, young adults who have experienced a familial environment in which the tolerance for intimacy is high are more likely to carry a positive family legacy into future relationships
Managing Finances
joint checking, separate checking, money management & accountability (invariably an area of negotiation and potential conflict)
Evolving Marital Sexual Script
negotiating how, when, where, how often to have sex; who initiates
Theories of mate selection: Stage Theories
relationships characterized by a sequence with different factors relevant to interpersonal attraction and commitment
Acting Out Behaviors
sexual acting out running away eating disorders school problems vandalism risk-taking drug and alcohol use and abuse suicide gestures and attempts excessive sleeping isolation and withdrawal *Explanations* Signal or cry for help Seek social support, affirmation Gain or regain personal control Anesthetize the discomfort
Managing the household
Evolving housekeeping strategies >gender socialization: traditionally distinct but wide open today and needs to be negotiated >Each spouse's area of interest and expertise: anyone can do housework but 70 to 90% of it falls to wives >Family Resources: the one with more resources has more power and does more delegating of "low status" tasks
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Four forms of negative communication commonly used by distressed couples Criticism - attacking someone's personality or character rather than focusing on the behavior in question "What kind of person are you?" Defensiveness - repeatedly fending off criticism while accepting no blame whatsoever "Yeah. Well...what about what you did?" Contempt - verbally abusing one's partner through insults, name-calling, mockery "How could you be so stupid? Do you even have a brain?" Stonewalling -- shutting down, ignoring, withdrawing, minimizing "_______________" [saying nothing, turning away]
Cohabitation Issues
In 50 years we have gone from cohabiting as grounds for expulsion from college to... The residential choice of 30 to 40% of college students at any one time Two types of cohabitation An alternative to marriage A trial engagement period prior to marriage Americans do not embrace "living together" as much as some E.g. Swedish households more than U.S. households
Stage one: Single Young Adult
Individuals attempt to redefine their relationships with parents and other caretakers in terms of greater equality and self-sufficiency Successful resolution of stage one depends upon: >achieving a clear sense of identity >establishing a capacity for intimacy with others
Moving Beyond Attraction 2
Interdependence: The balance of dependence that exists in a relationship Dependence: dependence is costly. One must rely on partner for rewards, one is in less powerful and more vulnerable position, one seeks to enhance the rewards one can provide, jealousy and possessiveness are natural reactions
Negative Reciprocity
Looking for ways to "pay back" your partner A dangerous escalation
Why Marriage is important
More emotional satisfaction More frequent sexual activity than for the unmarried [more frequent among cohabitors] More resources What is it about marriage that provides positive outcomes? Marriage is a long-term contract where the immediate costs are offset with long-term payoffs or benefits Marriage involves sharing of social and economic resources Marriage connects one to larger social networks of in-laws, extended family and other couples and families >If marriage has so many benefits, why is the divorce rate so high? Women are less dependent on marriage than in the past due to more education and employment Now...her marriage will be as good as his marriage or it will likely end High divorce rates decrease confidence in long-term stability and reduce one's willingness to absorb short-term costs
Stage Four: Parenting Styles
Most parents use authoritative style Dads tend to be stricter than moms (in intact families) More strictness in large families, single parent homes, low income homes Most families react to initial phase of adolescence with greater strictness Flexibility and communication are key to families making necessary adjustments. Overly rigid, insensitive applications of rules may accentuate problems at this stage
Defining a Parental Role Identity
Defining parental identity - four factors influence how this is accomplished wanting to be parents anticipatory socialization & training clarity of role demands of parenting amount of support available
Tasks of Newly Married Couple
Establish themes: Determine degree of separateness/connectedness to families of origin Negotiate marital roles: deciding how one needs to change to fit new roles of suppose and long-term partner
Marriage and Cohabitation
72 percent of couples have been living together in 1990 and 2002
Gay and Lesbian Relationships
1 percent of adult women self-identify as lesbian and 2 percent of adult men self-identify as gay, and it is estimated that about 40 percent of gay men and 50 percent of lesbians between the ages of eighteen and fifty-nine are currently living with their same sex partner
Managing the Household (Stage 3)
Renegotiating housekeeping strategies - definitely more tasks with addition of small children, so how will couple manage this transition? Most important is congruence of role expectations here Managing family finances direct v. indirect costs direct are the added expenses of having kids indirect are potential income forgone by not working
Lewis Theory of Dyadic Formation
1. Perceiving similarities - what appears to be similar in each other. 2. Achieving Pair Rapport - Being able to get along and enjoy each other's company 3. Inducing self-disclosure - sharing experiences and values on an intimate level - taking each other into confidence about details that would not be share with most others. 4. Exploring role-taking - working through the dynamics of the relationship and how each will relate to the other. 5. Achieving inter-personal role fit. Agreeing on and being satisfied with the role of each within the relationship. 6. Achieving dyadic crystalization - The relationship is formed along role lines that will remain in place because both partners have accepted them.
Should We License Parents?
1.3 million in U.S. prisons—up from 200,000 in 1970 Mostly, they were born in US hospitals, educated in US schools, and raised by US parents It is a rare predator who has a successful childhood Base rate for fatherless kids is 25%, yet 70% of juveniles reared without fathers Lykken advocates eunemics (selective environments for kids) By licensure statute, impose same minimum qualifications (social, economic) on biological parents that we require of adoptive parents Parents failing to meet standard lose their children to adoption Hard to imagine a proposal that confronts civil liberties more directly than Lykken's We have in place statutes for removing children from neglectful or abusive parents Removing children from parents judged to be "substandard" (poor and single, mentally deficient, etc.) without actual commission of crime is a constitutional violation of civil liberties Need to put more emphasis on informed choice to have children and effective birth control Enact and enhance voluntary parent education programs
Long Distance Relationships
1/3 of premarital relationships in college settings are LDRs because of Job mobility, Both men and women taking individual educational and occupational goals more seriously LDRs most successful when Separation viewed as investment for the couple's future Necessary and temporary Trust and exclusivity in the relationship (not dating others during time of separation) Most problematic when... Ambiguity about length of separation and no "end date" Insecure in the relationship Little trust in partner One or both feel isolated and lonely and do not maintain adequate communication
Cohabitation cont'd
10% of marriages preceded by cohabitation in 1965 v. 53% in 2000 41% of women (15-44) cohabit at some point (2002 CDC statistic) Cohabiting relationships are less stable 40% of cohabiting couples end their relationship within five years 20% of marriages end within five years Differences are likely due to self-selection factors I.e. people who cohabit tend to be less religious and less conservative, therefore more likely to separate or divorce?
Duvall and Hill 8-stage model
1948 "family life cycle" Married couple, Childbearing, preschool age, school age, teenage, launching, middle aged parents, aging family members
Roy H. Rodgers
1964 developed 24-stage model. Died under weight of its own complexity
Wesley Burr
1973. A renowned family theorist and researcher. "It has not yet been proven that the family life cycle will turn out to be a very useful concept in deductive theories." No way to empirically test its concepts
Transformation of Family Boundaries:
1977 - for 1st time, majority of women w kids under 18 in work force 1983 - 1st time majority of women w kids < 6 in work force Today - majority of women w kids<3 are working; 70 to 80% of women in work force with kids ages 6-13
Joan Aldous
1978 proposes 4 stage model. Should be called "family career". Life cycle implies return to beginning
James White
1991. *Identified several basic assumptions of family development. Families undergo stages just like individuals do.* >Development is reciprocal- each member influences and is influenced by other family members >Families must be viewed at multiple levels- the individual, the family, the multi-generation family, society >Families should be viewed in connection with "time"- changes in one family over time. pre-modern vs. post-modern era.
New Morbidity
50 years ago...leading cause of death was disease Today...postmodern pressures account for most child, adolescent deaths e.g. suicide, accidental injury, violence, drug and alcohol abuse Evidence? Rising suicide rates high teen pregnancy rate and STDs teen crimes of violence and vandalism gang-related activity school problems, drug abuse problems
Communication and Intimacy in Marriage
>Confirmation: Occurs when we consistently provide our parents with the feedback that we value them, care about them, and share a deep concern for their welfare. >Self-disclosure: a communication process that involves revealing personal information about the self >Rule of Reciprocity: Exists with respect o disclosure. This rule demands that individuals must match the disclosers of others with disclosures of their own that are equally revealing >Transaction Management: The ability to manage misunderstandings and conflict, requires two primary skills: the ability to establish realistic communication strategies and rules for interaction and the ability to exercise the self-control needed to keep the communication moving toward desired goals. >Metacommunication: conversational strategy that allows for the exploration with a partner of the meaning that has been attributed to his or her behaviors >Leveling or directness: managing conversational transactions is easier when partners are able to talk in direct, open, and honest ways with one another--when they are able to level with one another, and be direct. >Listening: Important role in promoting intimacy and managing conflicts >Situational Adaptability: ability of individuals to adapt their manner of communication to various social situations
Underlying Sources of Conflict
>Congruence of role expectations Compounded by transition in marital roles in our society Man may bring certain traditional expectations to the role [women do housework; keep social calendar] Woman may be more egalitarian with few preconceived roles Competing needs for connectedness or separateness Couples often bring differing needs for connectedness or separateness into a relationship Problems occur when these compete He wants "down time" and she wants to go together on a walk She wants to go shopping with her girlfriends or sisters; he wants them to spend quiet evening at home She has been with little kids all day and is longing for adult conversation; he has listened to adults all day and doesn't want to have another conversation Can result in a "pursuing/ distancing" vicious cycle that causes things to escalate Fairness - a relationship is perceived as fair when rewards derived from it are proportional to costs Equity -- relationship perceived as equitable when both partners derive similar costs and rewards Conflict greatest when relationship perceived to be both unfair and inequitable Unfair but equitable? Both individuals struggle with minimum wage jobs and low income with few rewards. Fair but inequitable? Husband expends little energy and gets minimal reward; wife expends great energy and derives great satisfaction from her situation. [fair but inequitable]
Conversational Styles
>Congruent Conversational Styles: When all of its different components (verbal/nonverbal, content/ relationship) convey the same meaning. >Self-esteem and communication: the greater the person's self-esteem, the more likely he or she is to be open to the verbal and nonverbal expressions of others and then to interpret others' communications accurately. >Gender differences in communication Styles: Women-attempts to create equality between people, expressions of support, sympathy, empathy, and agreement. Efforts to keep a conversation going by inviting otters into interaction, asking questions, and encouraging other to elaborate on their ideas. Men- efforts to control the conversation, attempts to dominate the conversation by talking more often and for longer periods of time, talking in a direct and assertive way, talking in abstract ways, relying on generalizations and conceptual levels of description
Conjugal, Counter, Congruence Roles
>Conjugal roles: how each one should act as a marital partner >Counter roles: how one should complement the role of one's spouse(if one spouse is sole provider, does that imply a greater domestic role for the partner) >Congruence roles: marital satisfaction depends on extent to which the roles adopted are congruent
Basic Constructs of Communication
>Content and Relationship Levels of Messages: The content level refer simply to the literal content of a message or what is communicated. The relationship levels refers to how the content is communicated >Metamessage: The information converted by how a message is expressed. "message about the message." Conveyed in the behaviors and nonverbal cues that accompany our literal messages. It qualifies how the message is to be taken, and convey information about how serious, how sure, or how honest we are about an assertion. >Nonverbal Symbols: gestures, body movements, facial expressions, eye contact, and posture are all symbolic and, hence, carry significant information. >Framing of Messages: the meaning attributed to the metamessages that accompany a literal message.
13 ways to Leave Your Lover
>Couple meets or marries after a significant loss. >The wish to distance oneself from family of origin is a factor in a marriage >Family backgrounds are different >Incompatible sibling ordinal combinations >Couple resides either extremely far away from or very close to family of origin >Couple is dependent upon either family of origin financially or emotionally >Couple marries before age 20 >Couple marries after an acquaintance of less than 6mons or more than 3yrs >Wedding occurs without friends or family members present >Wife becomes pregnant before or during the first year of marriage >Either spouse has poor relationships with his/her parents of siblings >Either spouse considers his or her childhood or adolescence an unhappy time >Marital patterns in either family of origin were unstable
Pattern of Transition
>Differentiation from family of origin Form new marital system Have children >20% of all married women never have children 25% of kids live in single parent homes 40-50% of children will spend 5 years of childhood in a single parent family
Marital Violence
>Difficult to accurately assess incidence [see A&S, pp. 192-197] Less that 7% of domestic assaults are reported One study found that 16% of American couples reported at least one act of marital violence in the preceding year 91% of spousal violence are attacks of wives by husbands or ex-husbands Estimated that close to 1/3 will experience violence at some point in their marriage
Stage one Criteria
>Individual in one's 20s >Physically, if not emotionally has left family of origin and has established independent living/working arrangement >has not established a family of procreation (that is, stage 2 or 3)
Four Parenting Styles
>Indulgent: "permissive" or "non-directive" are responsive but not demanding. They are lenient, do not require mature behavior, and avoid confrontation >Authoritarian: highly demanding and directive, but not responsive. They are obedience and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation >Authoritative: both demanding and responsive. They monitor and impart clear standards for their children's conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive >Uninvolved:low in both responsiveness and demandingness
Dynamics of Managing Conflict
>Maintaining intimacy - if goal is to restore harmony and promote intimacy...he will approach this in one way... >Eliminating conflict at all costs If one feels that any form of conflict is inappropriate in a relationship, one may Deny conflict exists Avoid bringing things up Repeatedly give in to partner's wishes >Winning at all costs - use of power and control strategies to get one's way and to dominate the relationship Legitimate v. non-legitimate power Each partner must take legitimate "control" over his or her domain of responsibility [work; managing the children; keeping house in order; etc.] These forms of power are "negotiated" and legitimate Non-legitimate power? Attempts to control or dominate without negotiation and without concern for feelings of partner Power struggle - occurs when marital partner resists non-legitimate power assertion
Elkind: Innocence to Competence
>Modern era: Child innocence - children seen as needing protection and security Examples Literature portrays childhood as a state to be indulged--not hurried through Child psychology emphasized developmental differences Education - age-appropriate curriculum following natural readiness Recreation is child-initiated play Protect children from outside influences (abuse, TV censorship) >Post-modern era: Child competence - children seen as ready/able to deal with life Examples Teach children at an early age about sexuality and dangers of abuse, STDS De-emphasize stage theories and developmental readiness. Adult-structured play, socialization, and skill development (cannot waste these early developmental opportunities) Society helps kids protect themselves from internal dangers of own home [sexual abuse, domestic violence].
Determinants of Abusive Parenting Styles
>Parental Characteristics: depression, anxiety, and anti-social behavior >Child Characteristics: Low-birth-weight babies who are hard to handle and calm, children with special needs, who demand more attention. >Contextual Stress and Abuse: when parents are overburdened with the responsibilities and stresses of life >Family Dynamics: the strategies for managing stress and conflict place children directly at risk.
Determinants of Parenting Style
>Parents' Contribution: Parents' own developmental histories or family legacies have a profound effect on the resources the bring to their parenting style. Parents' psychological health and personality >Child's Contribution: The child's gender and age or developmental status. Mood, activity level, distractibility, attention span, adaptability to new situations, intensity of reactions, pattern or approach-withdrawal >Contextual Sources: The ordinary demands of parenthood require the establishment of patterns of nurturance and control and care and responsiveness that protect children and attend to their evolving physical, social, emotional, and psychological needs. >Marriage and Parenting: Parents with poor marriages tend to have more negative attitudes toward parenting and act in less warm and supportive ways toward their children. >Work and Parenting: The context of work can function for parents as a source of either stress, further complicating the challenges of parenthood, or support, assisting them in their efforts to balance the many competing demands of work and family life. >Gender and Parenting Styles: Mothers provide care and attend, respond to, protect, hold, soother, and comfort their children. >Ethnic and Minority Parenting: African Americans- positive racial identity and kinship networks. Hispanic American-nurturant, warm, and egalitarian. Parenting practices appear quite permissive; emphasize early achievement or attainment of developmental milestones. Asian-proper development of character and formal academic education.
Defining Boundaries: Regulation distances with others outside the marriage
>Primary loyalty is to the marriage, so old ties must be modified. >The marital boundary will influence frequency and intensity of contact with family and friends outside the marriage (visits, topics discussed, opposite-sex friends) >Ease of transition depends on nature of boundary rules in family of origin and one's own self-differentiation.
Social Exchange Theory: Rewards, Cost, Outcomes, Comparison Level (CL)
>Rewards: the benefits exchanged in social relationships. The pleasures, satisfactions, and gratification one derives from participating in a relationship >Costs: Drawbacks or expenses associated with the relationship >Outcome: balance of costs & rewards perceived at any phase >CL: Evaluation of our profit against what we think we deserve
Murstein SVR Theory
>Stimulus: attraction based on physical appearance, social prestige >Value: similar belief and values >Role: role compatibility becomes important to deepening the relationship
Moving Beyond Attraction
>Trust: The belief that one's partner will not exploit or take unfair advantage >Commitment: the degree one is willing to work for the continuation of the relationship. (negotiation, secret tests-indirect strategies to determine partners readiness for commitment) >Love: an emotion that combines physiological arousal (chemistry) with situational cues (such as perception of trust, closeness, connectedness, and commitment we feel)
Conflict Styles of Happy Couples
>Validating couple, Volatile Couple, Conflict-Minimizing Couple: Validating couple show a low level of negative expressed emotion, volatile couple confronts each other and argue persuasively, conflict-minimizing couple minimizes or avoid conflict. >Solvable vs. Unsolvable Problems: Solvable problems have a solution while unsolvable problems are ongoing issues that may never be resolved >Accepting Influence: each partner's willingness to yield during an argument in order to win in the relationship >Repair Attempts: interactions that decrease negative escalation >Turning Toward vs. Turning Away: >Emotional Bids: occurs when a member of a couple initiates contact with the partner through ordinary conversation >Re-writing the past: Couples who are entrenched in a negative view of their partner and their relationship often revise the past, such that they remember and talk only about the negative things that have happened in their relationships >Positive sentiment override: emotional climate created by successful and happy couples that enables them to override the negative effects that conflict creates in the relationship.
Identity
>integrated wholeness and consistency >Critical exploration of goals and beliefs >Affirmation from significant others or "assuredness of recognition" from those who count >sufficiently flexible and open to adapt to changes in work, relationships, circumstances over time.
Elements of Healthy, Successful Marriages
>well formed identities >Resolution of family of origin issues (differentiated, not enmeshed or estranged) >relationship is growing and good for both >priority on relationship over individual autonomy or to any other person or group >Meaningful and open communication
Individuation
A developmental process through which a person comes to see the self as separate and distinct within the relational (familial, social, cultural) context.
Juvenile Delinquency and Antisocial Behavior
A legal term for an antisocial act committed in violation of a law by a minor Status Offenses: Acts that would not be considered offenses if committed by an adult (skipping school, running away, alcohol possession, curfew violations) Delinquency Offenses: destruction or theft of property, commission of violent crimes against persons, possession of an illegal weapon, and possession or sale of illegal drugs *Oppositional Defiance Disorder:* Characterized by a pattern of negative, hostile, and defiant behavior that often includes sling one's temper; arguing with adults; defying rules; annoying others; blaming others for one's mistakes or misbehavior *Conduct Disorder:* Repeatedly violating the basic rights of others or major societal norms or rules. Aggression toward people or their possession through bullying, threatening, intimidating, physical assault, mugging, purse snatching, shoplifting
Paradox of marriage
A most joyous occasion, yet one of the most complex and difficult of family adjustment transition
Private Message System
A system of rules for communication within an intimate relationship. Gives the couple's relationship its distinctive quality and helps to organize the strategies that will be needed to face the many tasks and issues that will arise.
Functional Ways of Resolving Conflict
Accepting influence Yielding in an argument in order to benefit the relationship Not simple compliance. Rather, one listens and finds points of agreement. Difficult to do but great for the relationship Repair attempts Attempts to manage conflict and miscommunication Examples include apologies, humor, affection, changing the subject Turning towards A positive response to an "emotional bid" [i.e. partner initiates positive contact] [Example: "Guess what I did today." "Turn toward" by listening and showing interest "Turn away" by ignoring or saying, "Who cares"
Youth and Individuation Difficulties
Abuse of Alcohol: Dependence- the persistent use of the substance and the experiencing of a cluster of cognitive, behavioral, and physiological symptoms that indicate that the person has impaired control of the substance use and continues to use the substance despite adverse consequences Tolerance: the need for increased amounts of the substance to achieve the desired effect or to a diminished effect with regular use of the same amount.
Eating Disorders
Anorexia: nervous loss of appetite. They deliberately and willfully limit their food intake in spite of desires to eat Bulimia: recurrent episodes of binge eating eating followed by purging behavior (e.g., abuse of laxatives, self-induced vomiting, enemas). They maintain an average or above average body weight Binge eating Disorder: Frequently eating large amounts of food while feeling a loss of control, over their eating. Feelings of depression, guilt, and disgust. People with Binge eating disorders normally do not purge afterward by vomiting or using laxatives
Internet Relationships
Apriori assumptions: >less involving >less rich >less personal due to lack of facial and body language and lack of "felt presence" of the other >Lean bandwidth of the medium (written text alone with no visual, tactile, auditory, olfactory cues)
The Tremendous Trifles
Areas of conflict quite similar among gay, lesbian and heterosexual unions While there are several common areas of conflict, conflict can be over anything How to position the toilet seat or toilet paper roll Where to go on vacation Where to hang a painting More important to focus on underlying sources of conflict than on the area of conflict per se
Attachement Theory and Mate Selection
Attachement theory gives us a basis for understanding the connections between early family of origin experiences and the ways adult partnerships are structured and experienced. *Secure Attachement:* shown to have positive early family relationships and trusting attitudes toward others *Avoidant Attachement Style:* View relationships as less satisfying and intimate compared to securely attached individuals. They are less trusting of others and tend to avoid getting close to others *Anxious-Avoidant Style:* View others as unreliable and unable to commit
Stage 2: Mate Selection
Become a responsible adult, form a life plan, commit to a "lifestyle," sooner or later commit to a relationship >A generation ago, men were expected to leave family first, get a family. Women stayed with family until marriage and now many delay marriage, remain single. Both men and women consider career important
Consequences of Child Abuse
Children develop within a contest that is indifferent to or rejecting of their needs. It is difficult for these children to feel confirmed and valued. Their behavior is apt to become less and less adaptive. More likely to develop low self esteem and poor sense o their own self-adequacy.
Emotional Disengagement
Complete lack of positive affect Couple demonstrates little interest, affection, humor or concern Intimacy suffers and the relationship becomes increasingly distant
Internet Relationships and Romance
CMC (computer mediated communication) does not develop due to visual attraction Initial impressions based on how one describes oneself Age, race, ethnicity, gender, physique not evident unless one specifically describes these features May meet people you would otherwise not pay attention to in normal FTF interaction May be easier for shy or overweight person to disclose information All interactions have potential to become something deeperGreater possibility in cyberspace for persons to misrepresent themselves Features misrepresented most frequently and successfully are:: Age Physical appearance (e.g. weight) Difficult to maintain deception with sustained communication, especially when giving misleading information about gender, occupation or interests Many report that cyberspace relationships are "just for fun" and not to be taken seriously
Changing Family Themes
Changing family themes - what theme emerges as family changes from adult-focused to child-focused system? Children seen as... reason for being necessary but inconvenient an intolerable curse Such themes influenced by those of respective families of origin. One may perpetuate good/bad family themes or strive to alter them.
Conjugal Identities
Characteristics associated with each person as a spouse within a marriage. The evolution of these qualities influences the ease of interaction within a marriage. >responsible spouse: the one who pays the bills; balances the checkbook >sociable spouse: takes care of all social engagements, birthday cards, etc. >literary spouse and sport's buff spouse: may have negotiate Sunday afternoon activities
Conflict in Marriage
Conflict is inevitable in any marital system. Common areas of conflict: >lack of quality time together, real or perceived unfair division of labor, disagreements about child-rearing, lack of sexual satisfaction for one of both, financial struggles over earning spending saving budget, difficulty with in-laws or other family members, prior painful events carried from childhood into adulthood
Managing Conflict
Couples will constantly have to renegotiate ways of handling tasks this means developing way of handling conflict is extremely important. Sometimes conflict over small issues has larger meaning (not cleaning the bathroom means her doesn't respect me)
Why do women work?
Economic necessity Opportunity (gender equity legislation) Status and power in society are in the work place. Desire for and peer support for....working. Statistically high probability that one's marriage may end, therefore one needs to stay in touch with the job market.
Changing Context of Parenthood
Emerging value orientations emphasizing success, excitement, and independence can be disruptive to parenting because they often involve interests and activities that directly compete with parenting responsibilities.
Stage one: "Taking care of Business"
Establish independent residence, self-care and maintenance, financial responsibility, general life management *challenges*: Overfunctioning parents, Call too frequently, bail child out too readily, express disapproval over child's decisions, drop in unexpectedly *parents should*: facilitate financial independence (loans not gifts), respect residential boundaries, allow child to maintain home his or her own way
Stage one: Reactionary vs. Exploratory Decisions
Exploratory: trying out options not formerly available like drinking, not cleaning house, keeping late hours, using/abusing credit, new types of friends... Reactionary: not reflective of true individuation, rather... gestures designed to distance self or rebel against strong parental authority or intrusiveness
Managing Emotional Climate
Expressing intimacy and support: challenge is to consolidate separate legacies into a shared approach that leaves each feeling cared for and supported Must negotiate, accomodate, understand different ways of giving and receiving emotional support (e.g. both individuals may not have come from families that freely give and express affection)
Flooding
Extreme anxiety and other negative symptoms as a result of being overwhelmed by marital conflict
Factors Associated with Marital Violence
Factors Associated with Marital Violence >Cultural norms Causes are embedded in the very structure of American society America is a violent society America still open to corporal punishment within the family Family legacy of violence Often found within the offender's family of origin A multigenerational legacy Personal characteristics of abusers Abuser feels inadequate and violence is seen as an acceptable way to be dominant and powerful Tends to be depressed with low self-esteem and poor communication and problem-solving skills Inadequacy may be triggered by perception of wife's happiness, ability, or success
Transformation of Family Boundaries: Family and Friends
Family and friends Stage 3--everyone advances one "vertical notch" (parents to grandparents; siblings to uncles/aunts) Stage 2 may have involved distance from families of origin as new couple establishes identity Now one may want to or need to draw in one's parents to assist May need to negotiate the degree of involvement of grandparents
Ivan Nye
First to demonstrate how economic principles of exchange theory could apply to family issues
PBS video on Detachment
Genesis Associate: Ran by Pat Mansmann and Pat Neuhausel >Detachment - their primary therapeutic modality >Every patient was made to "detach" from family members >Legitimate use: in extreme situations of sexual abuse/incest or domestic violence
Stage Four: Tasks
Identity issues Family themes, individual identity Boundaries outside family; parenting, marital, sibling subsystems Managing household household chores, finances, balancing demands of work and family Emotional climate love, intimacy, conflict resolution
Background and Statistics of Mate Selection
In 1970 the age at which someone typically marry for the first time was 20.8 for women, and 23.2 for men. By 2005, these figures had risen to 25.3 for women and 27.1 for men. 1/3 of men and nearly 1/4 of women have never been married when they reach age 34m nearly four times the rate of 1970. It is interesting to see that most Americans still do marry eventually. 8 percent of people 65 and older never had married; in 2005 only 4 percent never had married.
Transformation of Family Boundaries: Realigning Marital Boundaries
Marital boundary spouses typically spend less time with each other and more with children Cowen & Cowen - Is there love after baby?
Elkind's Immaturity to Sophistication
Modern era - adolescent immaturity Adolescents seen as immature and in need of protection and guidance Postmodern era - adolescent sophistication Adolescence is a different form of adult life. They are worldly wise and share authority. Should be empowered to make their own decisions. >Elkind sees both views as flawed... Modern sentiment underestimated how much adolescents know and do. Adolescents frustrated with overprotection and too many rules with forced outward compliance and too little internalization of control Postmodern family gives youth enough rope to hang themselves with resulting increase in teen suicide, pregnancy, vandalism, drug use and abuse...with appalling consequences for youth and society
Consequences for Children of Parenting Styles
Parenting style characterized by warmth, support, logical reasoning, clear communication, appropriate monitoring and involvement is associated with positive children. High levels of psychological control are associated with negative outcomes. result in anxiety, depression, loneliness, and confusion. Externalizing problems such as acting out, drug use, truancy, and antisocial behaviors are common.
Problems of Forced Individuation
Parents may be preoccupied with themselves, their own projects, or their careers. They may also be occupied by marital conflicts to the extent that their children's needs are ignored or rejected. The child may come to be viewed as a nuisance or a troublemaker who is defiant, unreliable, or simply too mischievous to be controlled.
Family Differentiation
Poorly differentiated families display either a low tolerance for individuality or a low tolerance for intimacy. Low Tolerance for Individuality: distance-regulation patterns that are enmeshing and interfere with the abilities of individuals to express their needs for autonomy and individuality. The boundaries between members and subsystems are blurred, and members are fused with one another. The ability to act autonomously and express individuality is inhibited. Low Tolerance for Intimacy: Patterns and dynamics that communicate little respect, regard, and concern for individual family members. They foster emotional reactivity rather than emotional relatedness. The choices and commitments individuals make can become heavily influenced by anger and resentment felt toward the family of origin.
Mate Selection and Relationship Dynamics
Power: involved the control of another's behavior through the ability to elicit compliance or resist the other's influence. Power dynamics within relationships are influenced by the complex interrelationship between resources and dependence.
Satan to Sex to Stress
Pre-modern era conception of personal pathology? Demon influence or possession Modern era pathology located within individual and rooted in early childhood experience (repressed sexuality creating neurosis) Postmodern era more apt to view pathology as result of stress arising from family dysfunction and present social dynamics; "goodness of fit" issues
Managing Family Emotional Climate
Quality of the marital relationship - changes in communication patterns, level of intimacy, shared companionate activities Marital satisfaction of some couples increases in stage 3 For others it decreases What explains the difference? realistic expectations about parenting congruence of orientation to roles and responsibilities as spouses and parents Maintaining satisfying sex life women may have less interest in sex due to fatigue, lack of quality time w husband to nurture loving, passionate relationship, etc. Managing leisure activities finding time to do things together Managing new areas of conflict if couple does not have adequate means of resolving conflict, the demands of this stage may burst the bubble.
Child's Evolving Identity
Sex of the child, the child's physical appearance, the child's position in the birth order, the parents' hopes, dreams, aspirations, and the parent's unresolved personal conflicts all play a part
Carter and McGoldrick Model of Family Development
Single Young Adult, Newly Married (no kids), Married with children, Married with adolescents, Launching grown children, Marriage in later years.
Social Exchange: Interdependence
Something must be relinquished in order to receive rewards
Effectiveness of Parenting Styles: Child Abuse/Neglect
The effectiveness of a parenting style is ultimately determined by the ability of parents to nurture and appropriately control their children in a manner that supports their emotional, physical, social, and psychological development. Ineffective parenting styles place children at risk for physical, social, or p psychological injury. Abuse is used to refer to those situations in which the non accidental injury of a child by a parent of other responsible caretaker occurs. neglect refers to harming a child through the lack of either proper care or adequate supervision.
Economic Metaphor
The process of selecting a partner and deepening commitment is driven by a process of self-interest whereby one seeks to maximize rewards and minimize costs.
Types of Marriages
Traditional marriages Voluntary marriages: contract periodically renewed Trial marriage: a living together experience as a prelude(introduction) Cohabitation: No plans to marry Civil Unions: Same sex couples *evidence suggests that the challenges confronted by couples in these various structures are strikingly similar*
Reactionary Adjustments to Stage 3
Under-functioning in the parental role intentional childlessness defer children until later in life divesting oneself of childcare responsibilities (nannies, daycare) Over-functioning or over-investment in children compensation for loss of parents compensation for lack of marital intimacy compensation for lack of career
Communication
Viewed as a symbolic and transactional process through which we create and share meanings.
Gender, Conversational Styles and Conflict management
Women tend to define intimacy in terms of verbal communication express closeness through talking Create connections through conversations, sharing feelings, talking about personal issues, having in-depth conversations >Men less likely to use conversation in order to achieve closeness They connect by doing things Participating in team activities Doing a project together Men cannot understand why doing things together isn't enough Woman cannot understand why their partner doesn't want to talk with them "Women pursue; men distance"
Defining Boundaries: Regulating Boundaries within the marriage
Work-marriage boundary: role conflict, role strain, role overload Regulating distance within marriage: personal space, balance of individuality vs. connectedness
Intimacy
ability to chose, mutually satisfying interpersonal relationships without losing identity >Nonromantic intimacy: mutuality, openness, sharing, commitment, enjoyment, respect >Romantic Intimacy: passion, sacrificial caring, exclusivity
