Family Sys and Dynamics Final

Four key elements to improving marriage.

1. Calm down 2. Speak non-defensively 3. Validation 4. Overlearning

What are the six stations of divorce?

1. Emotional- falling out of love 2. Legal- filing official court papers 3. Economic- creating a new life with more or less money 4. Parental- ceasing to be co-parents in one home 5. Community- being accepted or ostracized by previous neighbors 6. Psychic- finally feeling that one's life is truly separate from old life

According to Gottman, what are the 6 factors that can predict divorce?

1. Harsh startup 2. The four horsemen 3. Flooding 4. Body language 5. Failed repair attempts 6. Bad memories

What can the result of marital fusion and instability lead to according to Bowen?

1. Reactive emotional distances between spouses as each fails to get stability from the other. 2. Physical of emotional dysfunction in one of the spouses. 3. Overt marital conflict 4. Projection of the problem onto one or more of the children.

Three main components in the system according to Minuchin

1. Structure 2. Subsystems 3. Boundaries

Three subsystems in family systems theory

1. The spouse subsystem 2. The parental subsystem 3. The sibling subsystem - The rule among these subsystems for the functional family is that of hierarchy.

Four final stages in a dying marriage according to Gottman

1. You see your marital problems as severe 2. Talking things over with your spouse seems useless 3. You start leading parallel lives 4. You are filled with loneliness

US Census definition of family

2 or more people living together where the members are related by birth, marriage, or adoption.

Research definition of family

2 or more people who are in a relationship created by birth, marriage, or choice. Some families have legal protection and privileges, while other do not.

Stats regarding marital rape

30% of all adult rape cases were committed by husbands, common-law partners, or boyfriends. 29% of all sexual assaults of adult women were committed by husbands, common-law partners, or boyfriends.

Characteristics of Enmeshed families

A description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. Often happens on an emotional level in which two or more people "feel" each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well. Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other's lives so that it makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible. Enmeshment allows for little to no autonomy or personal boundaries -Enmeshment can produce rigid roles in the family - "the hero", "the scapegoat" -children often grow up not knowing how they really feel

Define family structure

A family's composition, how many members it has, whether people are married, their ages, and other demographic variables. Can impact the way we grow up, the opportunities we have, the ideas we form, and the goals we set for ourselves; thus, structure is important to an individual's developmental outcomes.

What did Bowen mean by Psuedo-self?

A person who is not differentiated may be fused with another person. As a result he/she does not reason from his/her own values, but instead borrows the values of the person with whom he/she is fused and commonly makes emotionally reactive choices. Bowen describes the pseudo-self as a pretend self, which to the person may feel real.

Saver, Morgan, and Wu definition of Love

A psychological reaction that engenders proximity seeking behavior.

Singer definition of Love

A search for friendship, beauty, and spiritual connection. Love tends to include a strong sense of attachment to another person and can involve both extremely pleasurable and intensely painful experiences.

Endogamy

A set of beliefs, practices, or mandates regarding people within one's own group who are considered to be one's only viable marriage partners.

Matrilineal

A social system where goods and property are inherited or passed down through the maternal line.

Patriarchal

A social system where men hold power and influence in the clan or family.

Matrifocal

A social system where men marry into their wives' families or clans and often live with them.

Matriarchal

A social system where women hold power and influence in the clan or family.

Sternberg's definition of Companionate love

A type of love that usually exists in long-term relationships where sexual passion may have declined bu intimacy, commitment, and security are high.

Gottman's def of Validating couples

Appreciate each other's points of view Even in the midst of arguments, they can choose their battles rather than fight over every little thing. During disagreements, they hear each other out and endeavor to persuade one another. Validating couples value their relationships over their individual needs. They are affectionate and friendly; they enjoy spending time together

Sternberg's definition of Empty couple

Are monogamous and do not seek to dissolve the relationship with each other and are not physically intimate.

How to effectively cope with divorce

Be willing to find love again Overcoming the dysfunctional relationships dynamics Coming to terms with anger and sadness Understanding one's self as a sexual person Overcoming lack of trust and fear of betrayal Eventually feeling energized, excited, alive, vibrant, free, and ready to move on

Effects of divorce first year

Both men and women experience anger, loneliness, ambivalence about the divorce, continued attachment to their ex-spouse, and especially for women Fantasies about the divorce

Boundaries

Boundaries are invisible, but they nevertheless delineate individuals and subsystems and define the amount and kind of contact allowable between members of the family. The identity, functions, and patterns of relationships within a subsystem are governed by relationships between subsystems. What happens between subsystems affects what happens within subsystems and vice versa.

Know how child's age effects how children adjust to blended families

Children of divorced parents are at increased risk for poor outcomes, so anything parents can do to improve their own functioning can benefit their children.

Sternberg's definition of Romantic

Couples enjoy spending a lot of time together and may talk all night on the phone when apart, sharing all their hopes and dreams.

Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling

Etic vs. Emic approaches to research

Etic is an "outsider's" approach to research, looking at a topic from the perspective of the researcher Emic is an "insider's" approach to research, looking at topics from the perspective of the research participants.

Historical trends regarding the idea of marrying for romantic love

Even if the feelings of love are universal, the importance placed on romantic love varies widely across cultures and has changed throughout history. Lithuanians and Russians today don't consider marriage to be a necessary precondition to marriage. People from the western middle-class backgrounds typically want to marry for love.

6 Patterns of divorce adjustment

Hetherington longitudinal study of life post divorce, identified six patterns of adjustment people exhibit after a divorce 1. Enhancers- Post divorce people who are successful in employment, relationships with their children, and physical and mental well-being; generally make improvements in their life. 2. Goodenoughs- They tended to do fairly well after the divorce without major traumas, but also without noteworthy successes. 3. Seekers- Anxiously seek a new partner to marry right away. They tend to have low self-concepts and are highly emotional. 4. Swingers- People who spend a lot of time in bars and clubs, take more drugs, have more sex, and engage in more antisocial behavior than most divorced adults. 5. Competent loners- Single, independent, happy, and self-confident, have successful careers and many friends. 6. Defeateds- Have low self-concepts, high rates of depression and antisocial behavior. Tend to drink and use drugs, get into trouble with the law, and have health problems.

Sternberg's Love as a story theory

Idea that we form templates in our childhood based on interactions in our families and exposure to media images of what characteristics should be present in ideal love relationships. Developed the concept in the 1990s after asking college students to write about their romantic ideals and expectations.

Research regarding SNAF families and the school system

In 1993, Dorothy Smith looked at how school personnel may often view non-SNAF's (families of color, immigrant families, or same-sex families). If a non-SNAF child gets in trouble, the first conclusion might be that it is because of the household they're in.

Describe the family projection process.

In Bowenian family therapy, the lack of differentiation in parents often results in one of the parents becoming dysfunctional, immature, and fused with one of the children. Conflict in the parental sub-unit is avoided, but the child's emotional growth is sacrificed. In this manner symptoms and a lack of differentiation is transmitted from parents to children.

What did people list as a primary reason to get married 50 years ago.

In order to have children

Traits of a differentiated individual according to Bowen.

Individuals who can transcend not only their own emotions, but also those of the family system. Can extricate themselves from emotional entanglements. Are flexible, adaptable, and more self-sufficient.

Define family processes

Interactional variable like caring, sharing, and communicating, which are not always easily visible; we cannot determine how well a child will turn out, or how successful or content a family will be based solely on its external structure.

Define components of Sternberg's triangular theory of love (intimacy, passion, and commitment)

Intimacy- Refers to sharing one's thoughts and feelings, as well and being vulnerable enough to reveal one's true self Passion- Includes constant thoughts about the person, strong desire to be near to him/her, and sexual excitement. Commitment- Means that a couple has decided to forego all other liasons and live in union with one person. They are strongly commited to the welfare of their partner and view life as a shared journey.

Symptoms of enmeshed families discussed in class

It's not ok to talk about problems. Don't trust your instincts or other people. Unpleasant feelings should not be openly expressed Keep your feelings to yourself Communication is best when it is indirect Always be good Make us proud beyond realistic expectations Don't be selfish Do as i say not as I do It's not okay to be playful It's not okay to excel too much Don't rock the boat Disaster is lurking around every corner Guard the family secrets You should feel guilty or scared to say "no" Pretend there are no problems Nice people are boring Control others by manipulation If you need attention be overly dramatic to get it If you control things and people you will be safe

Complementary andReciprocal Functions

Labels applied to family members that indicate their roles and the functions they serve.

Lee's def. of Love

Lee's research uncovered six different styles of love, each with more or less focus on commitment and relationship health. He found that the different styles of love relationships can be used to predict the health of the match.

Gottman's def. of Volatile couples

Love a good fight They argue passionately about anything and everything. Each partner is impatient with the other's point of view. Both husband and wife do everything they can to win an argument. In spite of this, they can usually resolve their differences. Volatile couples enjoy making up as much as they do arguing. Their passions fuel their interactions, and they tend to have warm and dynamic relationships.

Lee's def. Storge

Love involves maintaining a healthy egalitarian relationship with someone who is your best friend. The word Storge comes from the Greek idea of "natural affection" or easy love between family members. Couples experiencing storge are happy and satisfied because they are each concerned with the well-being of the other person and enjoy sharing their lives with each other.

Lee's def. of Ludus

Love is taken less seriously. It's seen as an endeavor undertaken for fun or an enjoyable pursuit a person can share with many different partners. Love is treated almost like a game. It thrives on passion. Lee's research shows this type of love is related to poor relationship quality and unhappiness.

What may children likely experience in dysfunctional families?

May be forced to take sides in conflicts between parents. Experience "reality shifting" in which what is said contradicts what is actually happening Be ignored, discounted, or criticized for their feelings and thoughts Have parents that are inappropriately intrusive, overly involved and protective Have parents that are inappropriately distant and uninvolved with their children Have excessive structure and demands placed on their time, choice of friends, or behavior; or receive no guidelines or structure

Post-modern family

May have egalitarian gender roles, or consists of a same sex couple or a father who remains single by choice.

Exogamy

Meaning marrying outside (exogenous to) their own group. Ex. Many religious groups do not allow their practitioners to marry outside of their religion.

Effects of divorce on men

Men often fare better financially, but worse psychologically after the divorce. This could be because they are more often the "leave-ee" and must deal with rejection and losing their main source of social support. After divorce, many men lose their sense of identity or masculinity. They feel their worthiness as a father and provider has been shattered. Men may try to maintain a sense of independence and control over their lives, and not paying child support is one way they may reaffirm their identity as powerful and maintain control.

Effects of divorce 6 years

Most men and women are remarried or have built satisfying new lives for themselves. Emotional problems, use of alcohol, impairments in parenting, and other problems decline dramatically after the first two years post-divorce

Types of dysfunctional families

One or both parents have addictions or compulsions Have strong influences on family members One or both parents use the threat of or application of physical violence as the primary means of control Children may have to witness violence, may be forced to participate in punishing siblings, or may live in fear of explosive outbursts One or both parents exploit the children and treat them as possessions whose primary purpose is to respond to the physical and/or emotional needs of adults One or both parents are unable to provide their children with emotional support One or both parents exert a strong authoritarian control over their children. Often these families rigidly adhere to a particular belief. Compliance with role expectations and with rules is expected without any flexibility.

What did Bowen mean by solid-self?

Operates on the basis of clearly defined beliefs, opinions, convictions, and life principles developed through the process of intellectual reasoning and the consideration of alternatives.

Passionate Love vs. Companionate Love

Passionate love is a type of love that usually exists with newer relationships, where sexual excitement and intrusive thoughts of the person are common. Companionate love exists in long term relationships where sexual passion may have declined

What is the role of power and control in domestic violence?

Pattern of actions that an individual uses to intentionally control or dominate his intimate partner

Lee's def. of Pragma

People seek out a rational choice, a logical mate, instead of relying on their passions during mate selection. In this case, pragma love develops, often with the help of matchmakers or through rational deliberating process. The person chosen must logically fit into one's lifestyle and family configuration.

What did Bowen mean by Inter-generalization Hypothesis?

People who leave their families of origin with a pseudo-self or who are fused to their families of origin tend to marry others to whom they can also become fused with. Two undifferentiated people thus tend to find each other. The result is an emotional cutoff from the family origin and the subsequent fusion of spouse The unproductive family processes of the previous generation get passed on to the next generation through such marriage.

Why do upper SES women file for divorce?

Personal dissatisfaction with communication, intimacy, and emotional connection.

Cycle of violence in domestic violence

Phase 1: Tension building- Anger, blaming, and arguing occur Phase 2: Acute battering- Battering incident occurs Phase 3: Honeymoon stage- Batterer asks for forgiveness; promises it won't happen again

Characteristics of Rigid boundaries

Refer to the arrangement both between subsystems and with systems outside of the family. Rigid boundaries imply disengagement within and between systems. Family members in a state of disengagement are isolated from another and from systems in the community in which the family is a part. Disengaged individuals and families are relatively autonomous and segregated. When carried to the extreme, this situation may be dysfunctional. Children learn to fight their own battles; accommodations and access between systems is very restricted. In extremes of disengagement, only an intense crisis or extreme stress can mobilize support. "Handle it yourself" or "Don't bother me, I have my own issues to deal with" carried to its outer limit. In such families, the spouses, parents, and children are so much involved with their own issues that they are slow to notice or respond when others need support.

What is the 5 to 1 ratio according to Gottman?

Regardless of our marital style, the equation of five positive experiences for every negative one holds true. How do you achieve this ratio? -Show interest -Be affectionate -Show you care -Be appreciative -Share your joy

Sternberg's definition of Infatuation

Relationships that are high on passion but low on intimacy and commitment

According to Gottman, what are repair mechanisms?

Repair mechanisms are phrases a couple uses to prevent an argument from escalating, such as, "go on, I'm listening" The phrases and actions that prevent negative feelings and behaviors from spiraling out of control

What theorist is most often associated with the family systems perspective?

Salvador Minuchin

Emotional consequences of enmeshed families

Shame- a particular family member might be designated as the one to fulfill the role - the scapegoat -he or she is the cause of our problems -scapegoat is often the one who is striving to be the individual. Which is threatening to the rest of the family. Enmeshment leads to shame which can lead to depression, anxiety, addiction, and eating disorders.

What should you do if you think someone is being battered?

Tell them to get out of the situation

Traits of undifferentiated individuals according to Bowen.

Tend to be more rigid and more emotionally dependent on others for their well-being. Have difficulty owning their emotions; rely on others for emotional guidance and cues. At risk of developing co-dependent relationships.

What is "the good ole days" myth

The "good ole days" is usually characterized by the view that families were more moral, stable, and experienced fewer problems during the 1950s. -Data indicates that violent crime, teen births, and divorce rates all decreased significantly between 1995-2012 and are now stabalizing. -More kids of all ethnic groups go to high school and college than ever before.

Lee's def. of Agape

The couple is completely devoted to each other. They care for the very soul of the other person, always wanting to ensure their partner's welfare. They are selfless in their pursuit of making their partner happy. Agape includes true intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Characteristics of Diffused boundaries

The family defined by diffuse boundaries is characterized by enmeshed relationships. This is the polar opposite of the rigid-boundary family. In this case, everyone is into everyone's business and there is an extreme of hovering and providing support even when it is not needed. The parents are too accessible, and the necessary distinctions between subsystems are missing.

Family of Origin

The family in which one grew up in.

Family of Procreation

The family one forms as an adult and in which one may have children.

Lee's def. of Eros

The first love style Similar to Sternberg's passionate/romantic love in that people experiencing it want intense intimacy and commitment from their partner. This style can be healthy, especially in the beginning of a match

Historical trends regarding divorce in the U.S.

The first recorded divorce among settlers of the "New World" occurred in 1639. The Puritans granted this divorce due to an egregious violation of marriage vows, bigamy (having more than one wife). The perpetrator (husband) was put in stocks in the town square and then banished back to England. The Puritans allowed divorce because they felt that it would increase social harmony and their vision for a peaceful world. They wanted to build strong and happy families. Divorce was still largely stigmatized, so most spouses ended up leaving their partners through desertion. It was very difficult for a wife to file for divorce because she would have to prove that her spouse had committed egregious acts like infidelity, bigamy, incest, or extreme cruelty. Women could also divorce if the male was impotent.

What did Bowen mean by Triangulation?

The idea of projection of the problem onto one or more of the children When situational or chronic anxiety is increased beyond the level of tolerance a vulnerable person may become triangulated.

Characteristics of Clear boundaries

The ideal arrangement between subsystems is that defined by clear boundaries. Clear boundaries are firm and yet flexible Where clear boundaries exist, the members of a family are supported and nurtured and yet are allowed a certain degree of autonomy An ideal balance between support, nurture, and inclusion and freedom to experiment, individuate, and to be one's own person. Clear boundaries in a family increase the frequency of communication between subsystems, and thus negotiation and accommodation can successfully occur in order to facilitate change, thereby, maintaining the stability of the family. Parents and children can belong and yet individuate.

How did Bowen describe the ideal/healthy family?

The ideal marriage according to Bowenian theory is one in which the partners have: -attained a high degree of differentiation -are capable of emotional intimacy without loss of autonomy Ideal family -each member is self-reliant -succeeds or fails on the basis of their own effort -this is not an uncaring family, but its members do not project responsibility for their emotions onto other family members,

Lee's def. of Mania

The people involved are not logical or rational at all. They tend to be obsessive and insecure. They fear betrayal and are often involved in emotional drama or volatile relationships. They use only their hearts, never their heads. But their partners are not happy, satisfied, or fulfilled.

Polygamy

The practice of one man taking more than one wife.

Polyandry

The practice of one woman taking more than one husband.

Polyamory

The state or practice of maintaining multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all the people involved.

Sternberg's definition of Consummate love

The type of love that consists of passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Traits of Adjuster

This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books, or watch a lot of tv. -they deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and don't bother getting upset. -unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem -they are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia -they are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt

Traits of Placater

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family -become the clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger -this child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others -self-identity is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it -they often have "case loads" rather than friendships and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to save the other person -really nice -they go into the helping professionals -they have low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome

Traits of Acting out child

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of and the most emotionally honest child in the family -he/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issue in the family -the scapegoat usually has trouble in school -they often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers -these children are usually the most sensitive and caring, which is why they feel such tremendous hurt -they are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be destructive to oneself.

Traits of Responsible child

This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth. Parents look to this child to prove they are good parents As an adult the family hero is -rigid -controlling -extremely judgmental of others and secretly of themselves -they achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their emotional life -compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure. -often the child in the family who as an adult, has the hardest time ever admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

Basic concepts and theoretical constructs in Murray Bowen's theory

To Bowen the family is an emotional system composed of: -The nuclear family: all those living in the household -The extended family: whether living or dead and regardless of where they reside. All of these living or deceased, absent, or present members "live" in the nuclear family emotional system in the here-and-now, in the processes that define the family's unique configuration

Gottman's def. of Conflict avoidant couples

Try to ignore problems as long as possible. They often agree to disagree rather than working things through to a mutually acceptable solution. Yet, standoffs don't seem to bother them. They value their marriages, see the best in each other and tend to look at the bright side of contentious situations. Conflict-avoidant couples feel good in a calm, quiet relationship. They tend to spend time pursuing their own interests, but they are comfortable with this mutual autonomy.

Suggestions regarding how to build a blended family

Trying to make a blended family a replica of first family, or the ideal nuclear family, can often set family members up for confusion, frustration, and disappointment. Instead, embrace the differences and consider the basic elements that make a successful blended family: -Solid marriage: Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because there is no "couple time" like most marriages have. Partner's have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting. -Being Civil: If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt, or completely withdrawing from each other, it's a great start. -All relationships are respectful: This is not just referring to the kids' behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but also based on the fact that everyone is family now. -Compassion for everyone's development: Members of blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (teen vs. toddlers, for example) they may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences. -Room for growth: After a few years of being blended, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another.

SNAF definition of family

Two adults in a heterosexual relationship, with their biological children. -Man's responsibility to provide source of income. -Woman's responsibility to househole, children, and husband.

Government definition of family

Two or more people; related by blood, marriage, or adoption; usually live together Some laws apply only to people who are blood relations, legally married, or live together.

What did Bowen mean by Dyad?

Two person system in Bowen's theory can be stable Asa long as it is calm. Stress is not a problem as long as it is short term Chronic stress can damage the dyad structure How much stress is needed to destabilize the system is relative to the degree of undifferentiation in the spouse

Effects of divorce two years

Usually struggle with the following: -self-acceptance -feeling rejected and unworthy -loneliness and grieving -finding a new concept of self

Violent resistance

Violence used by victims—more often women—as self defense.

Why do men file for divorce?

Wife -nagging -criticizing -alcohol use -infidelity

Why do women file for divorce?

Women report extreme dissatisfaction with the quality of their marriages because many husbands do not want to spend time with them but have their own hobbies or prefer to go out with the boys. Women also often report being unhappy about the quality of their sex lives vs. men reporting dissatisfaction with the quantity of sex lives

Intimate partner violence

domestic violence or battering between two people in a close relationship

Enabling

misguided "helping." An enabler is a person who actually does harm by supporting a troubled person's continued self-destructive attitude or behavior.