Importance of Being Earnest Lines - Algernon

Lane. Yes sir

A glass of sherry, lane

When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.

And who are the people you amuse?

Yes, sir

And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?

Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily.

Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.

Jack. Very well, and Ben. My poor brother Ernest is carried off suddenly in Paris, by severe chill. That gets rid of him

But I thought you said that Miss card you was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't shefeel his loss a good deal

Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy.

But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] 'From little Cecily with her fondest love.'

Jack. What fools?

By the way, did you tell Kendall and them the truth about your being Earnest in town, and Jack in the country

Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was a Blige to call on dear lady Hanberry. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite 20 years younger. And now I have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me

Certainly Aunt Augusta

Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. And the fact the two things rarely go together.

Dear me, you are smart!

Start of Play

Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

Jack.For goodness sake don't play that ghastly tune, algae! How idiotic you are

Didn't it go off all right, old boy? You don't need to say quintal refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always refusing people. I think it is most Ill natured of her

Gwendolyn. Thanks, mama, I'm quite comfortable where I am

Good heavens! Elaine! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially

I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.

Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that?

Oh neighbors, neighbors

Got nice neighbors in your part of Shropshire

Lane. Miss Fairfax

Gwendolyn, upon my word

Jack. I will take very good care you never do she is excessively pretty and she is only just 18

Have you told Brendan Flyn yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just 18

Well, produce my cigarette case first.

Here it is. Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable

Mr. Earnest Worthing

How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?

Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.

How immensely you must amuse them! By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?

Lady Bracknell. It certainly has changed color. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. Thank you. I have quite a treat for you tonight, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquaad. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her as Husband. It's delightful to watch them

I am afraid, and Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you tonight after all.

Lane. Thank you sir,

I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augustine, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready Money

Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!

I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?

I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.

I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane

Jack. You had much better dine with your aunt Augusta

I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations. And the second place whenever I do you dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all or two in the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to tonight to replace me next to Mary Farquaad, who is always flirts with her has been across the dinner table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent and that sort of thing is anonymously on the increase. The mount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. They simply washing ones clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunberry just I Nashly want to talk to you about Bunberry. Iwant to tell you the rules

Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter Algernon. I had some crumpets with lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living inentirely for pleasure now.

I hear her hair has turned white gold from brief

Lane: Yes, sir.

I hope tomorrow will be fine Day, lane

Jack. I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere tonight.

I know. You have a survey careless about sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much is not receiving invitations

How utterly unromantic you are!

I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.

Lane: Yes, sir.

I shall probably not be back till Monday you can put my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all of that Bunberry suits

That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.

I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?

There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.

I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after all.

I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.

I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.

Jack. Upon my word, I thought that, I'd shoot myself you don't think there is any chance of Gwendolyn becoming like her mother in about 150 years, do you, algy

I woman become like their mothers. It is their tragedy. No man does. That's his

Jack. Oh that is all right. Cecily is not a silly, romantic girl, I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, those long box, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.

I would rather like to see Cecily

Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?

I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.

Lady Bracknell. Well, I must say, I'll Janne, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunberry made up his mind whether he was going to live or die. This chili shallowing with the question is absurd. Nor do I have it anyway approve of modern sympathy with invalids. I consider a morbid. Illness of any kind it is hardly anything to be encouraged and others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to you or poor Uncle, but he never seems to take much notice as far as any improvement in his elements goes I should be obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunberry, for me, to be kind enough not to have a Lady Bracknell. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunberry made up his mind whether he was going to live or die. This chili shallow in with the question is absurd. Nor do I have any Way approve of modern sympathy with in the lids. I consider a morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly anything to be encouraged and others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to you or poor Uncle, but he never seems to take much notice as far as any improvement in his elements goes I should be obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunberry, for me, to be kind enough not to have a Relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception and 11 something that will encourage conversation particularly at the end of the season when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say which in most cases was probably not much

I'll speak to Bunberry, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one place bad music people don't talk. But I'll run over the program I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment

Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.

I'm feeling very well, aunt Augusta

I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.

I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately—any one can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.

Lady Bracknell. I hope not, Algernon. It would put My table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is a custom to that

It is a great board, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunberry is very ill again. They seem to think I should be with him,

Jack. Nothing

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind work where there is no definite object of any kind

Jack. Is that clever?

It is perfectly phrased! In quite as true as any observation in civilized life should be

Jack. Oh, that is nonsense

It isn't

Oh, that is nonsense!

It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don't give my consent.

Thank you, sir

Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.

That wouldn't be at all a bad thing.

Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.

Jack. Oh, and it is as right as a trivet. As far as she's concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. Never met such a gorgon I don't really know what to say or John is like, but I I am quite sure Lady Bracknell this morning. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair I beg you pardon algae, I don't suppose I shouldn't talk about your own and Aunt in that way before you

My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. Is the only thing that makes me put up with them. Relations or simply eight years pack of people, we haven't got the remotest Knowledge of how to live, and with the smallest instinct about when to die

Your consent!

My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.

Jack. For heaven sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be cynical

My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There is such a lot of beastily competition about. Ah! That must be it and take a step. Only relatives, or creditors, ever being in the wagon Marion Manor. Now, if I get her out of the way for 10 minutes so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolyn, may I don't with you at Willis's?

May I ask why?

My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.

Lane. There were no cucumbers in the market this morning sir I went down twice

No cucumbers!

Jack. I am not a Bunberry us at all if Gwendolyn excess me, I'm going to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I'm going to get rid of earnest. And I strongly advise you do the same with Mr. With your invalid friend who has the absurd name

Nothing will induce me to part with Bunberry, and if you ever get Mary, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunberry. A man who married without knowing Bunberry as a very tedious time is it

Jack. You are sure a severe chill is and try to Terry or anything of the kind

Of course it isn't

Yes, sir

Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.

Of course it's mine. You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.

Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.

Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?

Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.

I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.

Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven— Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.

Gwendolyn. How do you nine, kindly turn your back I have something very particular to say to Mr. wording

Really, Gwendolyn, I don't think I can allow this at all

Gwendolyn. Good! Algae, you may turn around now

Thanks, I've turned around already

Jack. Well, I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about this

That is exactly what things were originally made four.

Well, you have been eating them all the time.

That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.

Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready Money.

That will do, Lane, thank you.

Jack. I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?

The fools? Oh! About the clever people, of course

Jack. My dear fellow, the truth is in quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain

My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It's one's duty to do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one's health or one's happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!

Jack. That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolyn, and she is the only girl I ever saw my life that I would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunberry.

Then your wife will. You don't seem to realize that in married life threes company and two is none

Lane. Yes, sir

Tomorrow, lane, I'm going bunburying

No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.

Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.

Jacket. I am sick to death of clippings. Everybody's clever nowadays you can't go anywhere Without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we've had a few fool left

We have

Jackie. Oh no! I loathe listening

Well let us go to the club?

Jack. Oh no I can't bear looking at things. It is so silly

Well what shall we do

Lane: Yes sir. Jack: Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.

Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up.

Jack. Oh! It always is nearly 7

Well, I'm hungry

Why on earth do you say that?

Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.

And very good bread and butter it is too.

Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don't think you ever will be.

My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.

Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.

Jack. Oh no I hate talking

Well, we might try to round to the Empire at 10

Jack. Oh, that is nonsense

What about your brother, what about the profligate Ernest

In the country

What on Earth do you do there?

Jackie. I never knew you when you weren't

What shall we do after dinner? Go to the theater?

Jack. Oh! One doesn't blow these things out to people. So silly and Gwendolyn are perfectly soon to be extremely great friends. I'll bet you anything that you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister

When in only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy, we went to get a good table at Willis is we really must go and dress. Do you know it is nearly 7?

My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all. In fact it's perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.

Where is that place in the country, by the way?

Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.

Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.

Jackie. Before the end of the week I should have got rid of him. I'll say he died in Paris of a pox Alexis. Lots of people die of a pox Alexis quite suddenly don't they

Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's the sort of thing that runs in families. Do you have much better say a severe chill

Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.

Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.

Jack. I suppose so, if you want to.

Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

How perfectly delightful!

Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't quite approve of your being here.

My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case

Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? 'From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all; it is Ernest.

Jack. That, my dear young friend, is a theory that the corrupt French drama has been pro pounding for the last 50 years.

Yes; and thatThe happy English home has proved in half the time

I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back.

Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't know any one of that name.

Lady Bracknell. It is very strange. This Mr. Bunberry seems to suffer from curiously bad health

Yes; pour Bunberry is a dreadful invalid

It isn't Ernest; it's Jack.

You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your cards. Here is one of them. 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.' I'll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.

What on earth do you mean?

You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I've invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunberry, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunberry is perfectly in valuable if it wasn't for Bunberry's extraordinary bad health for instantnce, I wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's tonight, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.

Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.

Your aunt!