Interpersonal Communications Chapters 7-12

DisconfirmIng Communication

Evaluation, Certainty, Strategy, Control, Neutrality, Superiority

Evaluative Communication

Evokes defensiveness. We are also less likely to self-disclose to someone we think is judgmental, can sometimes make us defensive because they carry the relationship-level meaning that another person feels entitled to judge us: " It's dumb to feel that way," "You shouldn't have done that," "I approve of what you did."

Equity

Fairness, based on the perception that both people invest equally in a relationship and benefit similarly from their investments. One of the biggest issues is the division of domestic labor. Egalitarian values are more central to relationships today than ever before.

Guidelines for Effective Communication During Conflict

Focus on the Overall Communication System, Time Conflict Purposefully, Aim for Win-Win Conflict, Honor Yourself/Your Partner/the Relationship, Show Grace When Appropriate

Negotiating Dialectical Tensions

Ways partners handle the tension generated by opposing needs. (1) neutralization to negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs. Each need is met to an extent, but neither is fully satisfied. (2) selection in which we give priority to one dialectical need and neglect the other (3) reframing a complex and transformative strategy in which partners redefine contradictory needs as not in opposition. Some partners transcended the opposition between autonomy and connection by defining differences and disagreements as enhancing intimacy or that they maintained their individuality in the relationship.

neglect response

denies or minimizes problems, disagreements, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to overt conflict generally is destructive because it doesn't resolve tension

passion

describes intensely positive feelings and fervent desire for another person. not restricted to sexual or sensual feelings.may involve powerful emotional, spiritual, and intellectual excitement.

confirmation

feeling known and validated as an individual.

intimacy

feelings of closeness, connection, and tenderness. abiding affection and warm feelings for another person. It is why partners are comfortable with each other and enjoy being together even when there are no fireworks.

Unproductive communication

fosters a defensive, negative climate, which makes it almost impossible to resolve conflicts, confirm individuals, or nurture a relationship.

Grace

granting forgiveness or putting aside our own needs when there is no standard that says we should or must do so

exit response

physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing. Refusing to talk about a problem, ending a relationship, or leaving when conflict arises, doesn't address problems, it tends to be destructive. Because it is a forceful way to avoid conflict, it is active.

ludus

playful love. see love as a game. It's an adventure full of scheming, challenges, puzzles, and fun, but love is not to be taken seriously. commitment is not the goal.

Secondary Styles of Love

pragma, mania, and agape

invitational communication

which people signal that they are interested in interacting; Hooking up vs committing. Proximity and similarity are major influences on initial attraction.

superiority

"I'm better." we feel disconfirmed when people act as if they are better than we are. "I know a lot more about this than you," "If you had my experience, you wouldn't suggest that,"

Family Life Cycle

1: Establishing a Family 2: Enlarging a Family 3: Developing a Family 4: Encouraging Independence 5: Launching Children 6: Post-launching of Children 7: Retirement

Stage 5: Launching Children

A vital change for most families. Children leave home to go to college, marry, or live on their own. When the last child leaves home, parents, who for 18 years or more have centered their lives around children, now find themselves a couple again.

Guidelines for creating and sustaining confirming climates

Actively use Communication to build Confirming Climates, Accept and Confirm others, Affirm and Assert yourself, Respect Diversity in Relationships, Respond Constructively to Criticism

Stage 6: post-launching of Children

After the departure of children from the home, partners have to redefine their marriage. This period can be a time of lower satisfaction between partners if the couple is out of practice in engaging each other outside of their roles as parents. The partners have more time for each other but that may be a blessing, a curse, or both.

Autonomy/Connection

All of us experience tension between the desire to be autonomous, or independent, and the desire to be close, or connected, to others. Friends and romantic partners want to spend time with each other, to have joint interests, and to talk personally. At the same time, they need to feel that their individuality is not swallowed up by relationships.

Stage 4: Encouraging Independence

As children enter adolescence, they tend to seek greater autonomy. This is a natural part of their effort to establish identities distinct from those of their parents. Often, this stage involves some tension between parents and children.

Conflict Management Skills

Attend to the Relationship Level of Meaning, Communicate Supportively, Listen Mindfully, Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts/Feelings/Issues, Check Perceptions, Look for Points of Agreement, Look for Ways to Preserve the Other's Face, Imagine How You'll Feel in the Future

Diverse Communication Styles

Because our communication reflects the understandings and rules of our culture, misinterpretations may arise between friends from different cultures

provisionalism

Communicates openness to other points of view. We signal that we're willing to consider what others have to say, and this encourages others to voice their ideas. i "The way I tend to see the issue is...," "One way to look at this is...."

protective families

Conflict is avoided, and children are expected to adhere to parents' values, beliefs, and decisions, which may undermine open and honest communication between parents and children

Four basic types of family communication patterns

Consensual, Pluralistic, Protective, Laissez-faire

Confirming Communication

Description, Provisionalism, Spontaneity, Problem Orientation, Empathy, Equality

Perceptual view of emotions

Different interpretations lead us to define our emotions distinctly. That's the key to the perceptual view of emotions: We act on the basis of our interpretation of phenomena, not the tangible phenomena.

Descriptive communication

Doesn't evaluate others or what they think and feel. Instead, it describes behaviors without passing judgment. Not evaluating, the other's behavior: "You seem to be sleeping more lately" versus "You're sleeping too much"; "You seem to have more stuff on your desk than usual" versus "Your desk is a mess."

Guidelines foR CommuniCatinG in RomantiC Relationships

Engage in Dual Perspective, Practice Safe Sex, Manage Conflict Constructively, Adapt Communication to Maintain Long-Distance Relationships

Guidelines for Communication Between Friends

Engage in Dual perspective, Communicate honestly, Grow from Differences, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Stage 7: Retirement

For many people, retirement is a time to do what they want instead of focusing on earning a living. Many people who retire are highly active, often volunteering in community groups, traveling, and taking up new hobbies or interests. For other people, retirement may evoke feelings of boredom and lack of identity. Individuals whose sense of self-worth is strongly tied to their work may feel unanchored when they retire. Naturally, this discontent can foster tension in the marriage.

agape

Generous and selfless, they put a loved one's happiness ahead of their own without any expectation of reciprocity. For them, loving and giving to another are their own rewards.

development of RomantiC Relationships

Growth Stages stages through which romance typically, but not always, progresses: Individuality, invitational communication, Explorational communication, intensifying communication, Revising communication, commitment

strategic communication

If the speaker doesn't tell us what we're expected to do, it feels like a setup. We're also likely to feel that another is trying to manipulate us with a comment such as, "Would you do something for me if I told you it really mattered?"

GuiDelines For eFFeCtive CommuniCation in Families

Maintain Equity in Family Relationships, Make Daily Choices That Enhance Intimacy, Show Respect and Consideration, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Cognitive labeling view of emotions

Our labels for our physiological responses influence how we interpret those responses. What we feel may be shaped by how we label our physiological responses. For example, if you feel a knot in your stomach when you see that you received a low grade on an exam, you might label the knot as evidence of anxiety. Thus, what you felt would not result directly from the event itself (the grade). Instead, it would be shaped by how you labeled your physiological response to the event.

Stage 3: Developing a Family

Parent-child relationships are critical influences on children's identities. Parents also shape children's self concepts through labels and identity scripts that make it clear who children are and are supposed to be.

laissez-faire families

Parents and children have limited interaction, children are inclined to be relatively independent of parents, and family members may not feel close bonds. Both conversation and conformity orientations are low.

Social exchange theory

People apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships: They conduct cost-benefit analyses. As long as your rewards outweigh your costs, the net outcome of the relationship is positive, so you are satisfied.

Nascent Stage

People begin to think of themselves as friends and to work out their own patterns for interaction.

Organismic view

This perspective assumes that emotions are reflexes that follow from physiological actions.

chilling effect

When we have a relationship with someone whom we perceive as more powerful than us, we may suppress complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction or anger because we fear that the more powerful person could punish us. How the other person might use his or her power against us has a chilling effect on our willingness to express our feelings honestly.

"the pinch"

a discrepancy between what we feel and what we think we should feel

relational culture

a private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship culture includes the ways in which a couple manages their relational dialectics, includes rules and rituals

Openness/Closedness

a tension between wanting open communication and wanting a degree of privacy, even with intimates. With our closest partners, we self-disclose in ways we don't with coworkers and casual acquaintances. Yet we also desire some privacy, and we want our intimates to respect that.

passive aggression

acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting aggressive. punishes another person without accepting responsibility for inflicting the punishment.

voice response

addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it. identify problems or tensions and assert a desire to deal with them.

psychological responsibility

aka emotional labor. involves remembering, planning, and scheduling family matters. It is usually the mother who remembers when checkups are needed, makes appointments, and reminds the father to take the child. women often assume responsibility for remembering birthdays of all family members and for buying cards and gifts.

Pluralistic families

are high on the dimension of conversation and low on conformity. Parents respect their children's views and decisions, even if they do not agree with them.

Win-lose

assume that one person wins at the expense of the other. There is no possibility for everyone to benefit. cultivated in cultures that place value on individualism, self-assertion, and competition tends to undermine relationships because someone has to lose.

Win-win

assume that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains. A good solution is one that everyone finds satisfactory. When all people are committed to finding a mutually acceptable solution, a resolution is possible.

controlling communication

attempts to manipulate others, tends to be relatively overt, try to impose their point of view on others. The person exerting thinks she or he has greater power, rights, or intelligence than others. Aim for one person to triumph over the other, which undercuts the other person and the relationship.

emotional competence

awareness of our own emotions, including multiple emotions experienced simultaneously, the ability to recognize and empathize with others' emotions, awareness of the impact of our expression of emotions on others, and sensitivity to cultural rules for expressing emotions.

contracting

building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals.

friends of the road

change as we move along the road of life

Assertion

clearly and nonjudgmentally stating what you feel, need, or want

Self-talk

communication with ourselves.

External pressures

competing demands, personal changes, and geographic distance

empathic communication

confirms the worth of others and our concern for them. examples: "It's an entirely reasonable way to feel like you do in your situation," and "Wow, it must have really stung when your supervisor said that to you." Doesn't necessarily mean agreement; instead, it conveys acceptance of other people and respect for their perspectives.

Stage 1: Establishing a Family

couple settles into a committed relationship and works out expectations, interaction patterns, and daily routines for their shared life. Partners get accustomed to living together.

Framing rules

define the emotional meaning of situations. For instance, Western culture defines funerals as sad and respectful occasions. however, there are multiple social groups and resulting ways of framing events. For example, many Irish Americans hold wakes- festive occasions during which people tell stories about the departed person and celebrate his or her life.

intrapsychic processes

during which one or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the relationship and to focus their thoughts on its problems or shortcomings partners may begin to think about alternatives to the relationship

Primary Styles of Love

eros, storge, and ludus.

Covert conflict

exists when people express their feelings about disagreements indirectly. When angry, a person may deliberately do something to hurt or upset another person.

Mania

have the passion of eros, but they play by ludic rules—a combination that can be perilous. Typically unsure that others really love them, may devise tests and games to evaluate a partner's commitment. may obsess about a relationship and be unable to think about anyone or anything else.

Recognition

he most basic form of confirmation is recognizing that another person exists (Reis, Sheldon, Gable, Roscoe, & Ryan, 2000). We do this with nonverbal behaviors (a smile or touch) and verbal communication ("Hello,"

Consensual families

high conversation orientation and high conformity orientation. Parents encourage children to express their ideas and feelings, yet expect and encourage children to adhere to the parents' values and beliefs.

games

highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing

guidelines for Communicating Emotions Effectively

identify your Emotions, Choose Whether and How to Express Emotions, own your Feelings, Monitor your Self-Talk, Adopt a Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings, Respond Sensitively When others Communicate Emotions

Grave-dressing processes

involve burying the relationship and accepting its end. we work to make sense of the relationship: what it meant, why it failed, and how it affected us. processes also include explaining to others why the relationship ended.

dyadic processes

involve the breakdown of established patterns, rules, and rituals that make up the relational culture. Partners may stop talking over dinner, no longer text when they are running late, and in other ways neglect rules that have operated in their relationship. As the fabric of intimacy weakens, dissatisfaction intensifies.

Endorsement

involves accepting another's feelings or thoughts.

surface acting

involves controlling the outward expression of emotions rather than controlling feelings. Parents teach children to control their outward behaviors, not necessarily their inner feelings.

deep acting

involves learning what they should and should not feel. Children may be taught that they should feel grateful when given a gift even if they don't like the gift. requires changing how we perceive and label events and phenomena.

Storge

is a comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility. tends to develop gradually and to be peaceful and stable. In most cases, it grows out of common interests, values, and life goals.

Eros

is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically. It is an intense kind of love that may include sexual, spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attraction or all of these.

Acknowledgment

is acknowledgment of what another feels, thinks, or says. Nonverbally, by nodding our heads or by making eye contact to show we are listening.

Interpersonal conflict

is expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord. Exists only if disagreements or tensions are expressed.

Pragma

is pragmatic or practical love. blends the calculated planning of ludus with the stable security of storge. practical considerations are the foundation of enduring commitment, so these must be satisfied before they allow themselves to fall in love.

emotional intelligence

is the ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively (Psychologist Daniel Goleman)

ethnocentrism

is the assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones.

commitment

is the intention to remain involved with a relationship

Placemaking

is the process of creating a comfortable personal environment that reflects the values, experiences, and tastes of the couple

counterfeit emotional language

language that seems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling. For example, shouting "Why can't you leave me alone?" certainly indicates that the speaker is feeling something, but it doesn't describe what she or he is feeling. We can't tell what feeling the speaker is experiencing from what he or she said.

intensifying communication

nicknamed euphoria to emphasize its intensity and happiness. Further disclosures occur, personal biographies are filled in, and partners increasingly learn how the other feels and thinks. During this stage, couples usually agree to make their relationship exclusive.

bracketing

noting that an issue arising in the course of conflict should be discussed later

Neutral communication

often interpreted as a lack of regard and caring for others. Like to shrug or say, "Whatever." simply doesn't show any involvement.

lose-lose

orientation assumes that conflict results in losses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for relationships. assumes that conflict is inevitably negative, people who adopt it typically try to avoid conflict at all costs.

Emotions

our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences

kitchen-sinking

particularly likely to occur when people have a host of concerns they've repressed for some time. Once a conflict begins, everything that has been stored up is thrown in.

Revising communication

partners come out of the clouds to look at their relationship more realistically. Problems are recognized, and partners evaluate whether they want to work through them

equality

people who treat us as equals. communicates respect and equivalent status. We can have exceptional experience or ability in certain areas and still show regard for others and their contribution to interaction. allows everyone to participate without fear of being judged inadequate.

Conversation orientation

refers to how open or closed communication is. With high, members feel free to openly express their thoughts and feelings about a range of topics, including ones that are personal or private. Families that are low tend to talk mainly about superficial topics, and members tend not to disclose personal feelings and thoughts.

conformity orientation

refers to the extent to which family members are expected to adhere to a family hierarchy and conform in beliefs

Internal tensions

relationship stresses that grow out of people and their interactions: Relational Dialectics, Diverse Communication Styles, Sexual Attraction

Committed romantic relationships

relationships between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing parts of each other's lives

friends of the heart

remain close regardless of distance and circumstances

interactive view of emotions

rests on three key culturally influenced concepts: framing rules, feeling rules, and emotion work.

Feeling rules

rules tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situations. reflect and perpetuate the values of cultures and social groups sometimes explicated in terms of rights and duties. uphold social structure by linking the right to express feelings to social status and power. People who have more power may learn they have a right to express anger, offense, frustration, and so forth, whereas people who have less power may learn that it isn't acceptable for them to express such emotions.

loyalty response

staying committed to a relationship despite differences. may be appropriate if tolerating differences isn't too costly, but in some instances deferring your own needs and goals may be too high a price for harmony. silent allegiance that doesn't actively address conflict, so it is a passive response

Organismic view

stimulus > physiological response > emotion

Problem-oriented communication

tends to cultivate supportive, confirming communication climates. Focuses on finding a solution that all parties find acceptable. When we convey that we want to collaborate with another person to develop a mutually satisfying solution, we let the other know that we care more about the relationship than about getting our own way.

Stage 2: Enlarging a Family

the addition of children. The transition to parenthood typically brings a whole array of joys, problems, challenges, and new constraints for the couple. It also introduces new roles. Children decrease the amount of couple time and change the focus of a couple's communication.

Spontaneity

the counterpoint to strategy. feels open, honest, and unpremeditated. to ask for a favor in a straightforward way; interaction is authentic.

emotion work

the effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations. the process of trying to shape how we feel, not necessarily our success in doing so.

Novelty/Predictability

the tension between wanting routine or familiarity and wanting novelty in a relationship. All of us like a certain amount of routine to provide security and predictability in our lives. Yet too much routine becomes boring, so we need occasional new or novel.

Explorational communication

the third stage in the escalation of romance, and it focuses on learning about each other. In this stage, people fish for common interests and grounds for interaction: "Do you like jazz?""Where have you traveled?" we continue trying to reduce our uncertainty about the other person so that we can evaluate the possibility of a more serious relationship. We may make self-disclosures, which can increase trust and feelings of intimacy

Resurrection processes

the two people move on with their lives without the other as an intimate. We conceive of ourselves as single again, and we reorganize our lives to break the synchrony that we had with our ex-partner.

Relationship Rules

unspoken understandings that regulate how people interact. For instance, most friends have a tacit understanding that they can be a little late for get-togethers but won't keep each other waiting long.

Rational-Emotive Approach

uses rational thinking and self-talk to challenge the debilitating thoughts about emotions that undermine healthy self concepts and relationships. proceeds through 3 steps: (1) monitor your emotional reactions to events and experiences that distress you. (2) identify the events and situations to which you have unpleasant responses. Look for commonalities between situations. (3) tune in to your self-talk. Listen to what's happening in your head. Identify and challenge debilitating ways of thinking about our emotions, and, by extension, ourselves. These irrational beliefs, or fallacies, hinder our ability to manage and express emotions effectively.

Certainty

using language that is absolute and often dogmatic. This kind of language suggests that there is one and only one answer, valid point of view, or reasonable course of action. "I don't want to hear it," "You can't change my mind," or "I've already figured out what I'm going to do, so just save your breath."

Compounding self-preoccupation

when a person keeps repeating what she or he has already said. This egocentric communication ignores the other person and simply restates the speaker's feelings and perspective.

environmental spoiling

when we're forced to be around others whose values, lifestyles, or behaviors conflict with our own