Jack vs. Jill
And potato!
...And potato? Yes. Does that mean that the evidence you have seen presented today concludes that my client is, BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, guilty of pushing his own wife down a hill? I see a shadow, good people of the jury. I see a shadow, and its name is doubt!
Uh, no. That's not true.
...Oh. The Defense rests, your honor.
Arghhhhh!
...but I ask you to also remember that in Jill's account of the hill incident, she herself said that the argument she and Jack had was over the fetching of a pail of water. A pail for Jack's grandmother...
Ridiculous notion?
...such a ridiculous notion as whether or not this man... THIS MAN... could be capable of such a horrible act.
Defense! Let's get a move on!
A ninety million dollar operation!
Depends on what you'd call large, I guess...but...yes. That is true.
And is it true that in a jealous rage, over the fact that the sum wasn't more, you foolishly turned it down?
Yes.
And isn't it true that this whole case is nothing more than a method to get back at your ex-husband?
Well, honestly, yeah. That's true.
And isn't it true that your name isn't really Jill at all, but Señor Hortense, the Mexican gangster?
And a four pound strudel!
And....a four-pound.... strudel. Case...closed!
Lunchbox!
Brain surgery...that removed an entire damaged lobe of Jack's brain...forever denying him its...higher functions. It's an expensive, costly, long time-consuming and expensive costly procedure...that took months...no years! Years to complete! An operation that cost my client upwards...of...nine...million dollars!
It was all just a big misunderstanding. That's all.
Exactly what was the misunderstanding?
Then fake it!
Fake it?
What's the problem?
He ate my opening speech!
Oh, for pity's sake. Just do what you can remember!
I can't! It was really good! I swear it was!
Yes. That is totally coincidental.
I see, I see. Mrs. Dumpty-Hill, during your initial divorce proceeding with Mr Hill, is it true that he offered you a large settlement? Over thirty percent of his estate?
Dumpty is a name I kept form my first husband, Mr. Humpty Dumpty.
I see. And as I understand it, your relationship with him ended in a... shall we say... tragedy as well?
I uh...uh... Yes. That is true... (judge) Order! Order!
I see. And why exactly was it that you were taken to court over the matter, Mrs. Dumpty-Hill?
Yes, that is correct.
I see. So you're telling us that it's just coincidence that your next husband, Jack Hill, my client, our defendant here in this courtroom today, also fell down...something...in this case a hill...broke his crown...and now you're again trying to collect on it?
Well, not exactly. He had a little...accident...involving a wall, and we just couldn't put our marriage together again. He wasn't the same old Humpty after that.
Isn't it true that you were taken to court over that matter as well?
I... yes, I did. (judge) Order! Order! I said order! ORDER! That's better. Proceed.
It was the view of the prosecution in that case that you pushed Mr. Dumpty off the wall to collect on his high insurance, was it not?
Jack's stupid Grandmother.
Jack's kind, gentle, FRAIL grandmother...so what reason would Jack have to enter one of his admittedly out-of-control...though rare...states of rage? I ask you to ponder the record of the incident by Mother Goose, which clearly states that Jill came tumbling after. I ask you to consider that Jill has been in court over such a matter before, the wall-pishing of her first husband, Humpty Dumpty. Is my client a sick man? Yes. Perhaps even before the surgery. Did he bonk his own wife on the head with a sock?
JACK DOWN NOW! Defense, get your client off the bench!
Look Jack! Chocolate!
Uh...
Mrs. Dumpty-Hill, I will remind you that you are under oath.
Then be my guest.
Mrs. Dumpty-Hill... Just why is it that your name is Dumpty-Hill and not just Hill?
No, I don't own a brook.
Never mind! Permission to read a passage from the book your honor?
That depends. Your client hasn't eaten your examination notes, too, has he?
No, sir.
Thank you. Defense, would you like to continue this circus? (pros) Hippodrome.
No, thank you, your honor. I'm...deathly afraid of clowns.
Defense, do you have any further witnesses?
No...your honor.
No.
No?
No, I'm sorry, I don't own a brook.
Not a brook, a BOOK!
Now!
Now? Uh, now! Now. Uh... Your honor, I am... sick...and tired...of this load of bologna! It is obvious to me, for....reasons. Reasons that will become ever more.... apparent... as events are.... unfolding! Unfolding....like...so...much...Origami. The... Origami...of justice! It will be so very apparent, for these aforementioned...reasons...that my client, Jack Hill, though he may have tumbled down that hill, and he may have been agitated, did....not...not, uh... have the...capacity...for anything more than being....a...uh...have the....capacity...for anything more than being...a....a...victim! Yes, victim! In these....unfortunate...happenings..of happenstance. Uh...for instance... hmmm... (beat) Aha! Yes! Look here! (to Jack) Is this... the face of a murderer? (hugs Jack) Look at this poor, tortured soul!
WOMAN IN A NICE DRESS gives award. DEFENSE who accepts begins to weep.
Oh, gosh, thank you, I... I don't know know what to say. I didn't have a speech prepared. Uh... Thanks to.... jack, my client, you been great, you really have. And... Judge, where would I be without you, babe? I love you. I want to thank my parents, and... my sister...and my dog, who sadly couldn't be here with us today because they wouldn't let me bring him inside.
(music starts to play)
Oh, jeez... and also, I want to thank our legal system, you taught me everything I know, and you teach me new things every day... and also, Fred, Stan, barbara, Chico... and Hortense! Woooooo!
She does! (bailiff) She does!
Permission to approach the bench, your honor.
Yes, your honor. I would like to call 911-phone operator Frank Noodlemeyer to the stand. (bailiff) do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing- (judge) skip it! (bailiff) skipping it!
Permission to approach the bench, your honor.
Thank you. Defense?
Permission to approach the witness, your honor?
Well, Humpty accused me of...pushing him off the wall. (judge) Order!
Pushing him off the wall? Why, Mrs. Dumpty-Hill, that sounds suspiciously like the same thing that these very proceedings are all about. Jack, supposedly pushing down that hill, I mean. Do you think that's just a coincidence?
Defense!
So, obviously...my point being..if...if...uh... Mrs. Dumpty-Hill does not feel that...Jack... my client... has not... suffered! Yes! Suffered! If she feels that he has not suffered...enough...then certainly! Sure! Take half of everything! Then, maybe...she can...finally...uh... whet that...insatiable appetite for...my client's...prolonged suffering! Yeah! Suffering!
Just do it!
Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to tell you a little story. It seems... "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling AFTER!" Here is published evidence that my client, Jack Hill went tumbling down that hill...first! The Defense rests, your honor.
You may now present your closing statements.
Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have seen many things here in this courtroom today. Many things that have damaged the defense of my client, slowly chipping away at its hard, crispy, nutty coating, to reveal the dark, wicked, creamy, chocolate poison inside. But I ask you to remember the evidence that we have seen. My client, Jack Hill may have a problem whenever someone says that MS. Jill Dumpty-Hill has bought new clothes...
Of course it is. I was found innocent of those charges anyway.
That's not entirely true. You settled out of court with Mr. Dumpty, didn't you?
(dumping at least a dozen Grouches on the ground)
The DEFENSE screams
Muffins!
There! Muffins! Is that the sort of thing an attempted murderer spends every waking moment thinking about? I have spent weeks building my case with this...this...fragile, simple man, and I can attest that there is very little else poor Jack is capable of pondering. Simple, simple Jack. Poor, stupid Jack. Crazy old Jack. Jack, Jack...bo-back. I want the jury to look deep into the soul of this man and tell me honestly, could he have any violent thoughts? Does he have it in his heart to kill, nay, break even the most rudimentary of laws? It's sad to me. Terribly, terrible sad that we must sit in this courtroom today debating such a...uh...such a...um....
That's what they said, yes.
They said that you pushed Mr. Dumpty off to collect on his life insurance policy that, if it had paid off, would amount to over one and a half million dollars, is that correct?
Thank you, Prosecution, you may take your seat. Defense? Defense, it's your turn.
What, oh, me? I, uh...okay...if I could just... run to the uh.... bathroom, real quick...I'd uh...I. Have. To...Pee?
Wing it!
Wing it?
Why, I'll...I'll...strap the monkey to a pirate ship and rip the hair out of a hamburger bun! Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
Wow, that was unexpected. Never mind, your honor.
Hey, you! Is that my book of nursery rhymes you've got there? (judge) Yes!
Yes, yes it is! So you're saying you wrote this book? Right? You wrote this book?
Proceed.
Your honor, I hold in my hand a published, factual document. "Nursery Rhymes" by one, Mother Goose. Mrs. Goose, this is your book is it not?
Very well. Defense, you may call your first witness.
Your honor, I would like to call one Mrs. Mother Goose to the stand.
Defense, what's wrong with your client?
Your honor, after the near-fatal tumbling down of the aforementioned hill, my client Jack Hill attained a massive headwound for which he had to have a large portion of his brain...uh...removed.
No, inside he is a cold-blooded potato-filled sock-bonker, capable of bonking my client on the head with a sock and a potato... and certainly capable of pushing defenseless women down hills!
Your honor, that's ridiculous! Who could go on a rampage over a single, silly little thing like Jill purchasing some new garments?
