Psych Exam 4
Leary's Insight main take-away
*BOTH of these pieces of wisdom are TRUE! (complementarity AND similarity)
Divorce rate in the US
-1900-divorce was exceptionally RARE (only get divorced if spouse committed crime or spouse abused you) -divorce rate started to SHOOT UP after WWII-guys came back from the war w/lots of problems--causes instability--this is when divorce became SOCIALLY ACCEPTED but now it has started to level off -1950s/1960s-widespread availability of birth control pill
"The Empty Marriage"
-2 ppl married for 30 years -there is tremendous INTERDEPENDENCE BUT they don't love each other :( -they've lost emotional attachment and fulfillment of psychological needs
"opposites attract"
-COMPLEMENTARITY drives interpersonal attraction -->b/c they are interesting/energetic/keep us on our toes
downside of being physically attractive
-WOMEN become MORE preoccupied w/bodies in mid-late TEENS MEN -less concerned w/slimness -more content w/their bodies than woman "I wish I was 2 in. taller and 10 lbs lighter" -concerned in mid-late teens and very concerned in late 20s and SLOWLY GOES AWAY IN 30s 2 most common reactions men have w/physical appearance 1) Men scared of becoming BALD/gray hair 2) steroids WOMEN -much more concerned w/slimness -much more CRITICAL of their bodies than men -much more likely to DIET than men -women much more likely to GAIN LARGE AMOUNTS OF WEIGHT than men b/c...many women are so critical of their bodies that they go on diets that are far too strict--you will fall off of it eventually--your METABOLISM SLOWS DOWN-then, when you eat a normal amount of food, you'll gain weight b/c your metabolism is so slow -MAKE DIET CHALLENGING but DOABLE! -EXERCISE keeps metabolism UP! "yo-yo effect"--NOT GOOD--weight goes up and down and up and down for women
in the US in 2017...
-about 1.5 million marriages -BUT also over 1 million divorces
SIMILARITY
-complementarity is important, but SIMILARITY IS MUCH MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!!! -similarity is important for the LONG-TERM OF THE RELATIONSHIP
from an EVOLUTIONARY point of view, what is the worst thing that a man could experience in his life?
-get married and have a baby BUT IT'S NOT YOUR BABY "problem of paternity" -always sure who the mother is BUT not sure who the father is -very stressful -men become hyper vigilant to any cue that their girl is w/another man
evolutionary point of view...
-not uncommon that between the time 2 ppl get engaged and get married-THEY HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS- men and women have different thoughts -women's 2nd thought: "target specific" -it's always about their fiancee (is Jeff the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?) -men's 2nd thought: have 2nd thoughts about the WHOLE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE -for men, it makes sense to spread gene pool out over multiple women- men put an emphasis on QUANTITY; women put an emphasis on QUALITY (women love each of their children MORE b/c she can only have a couple but men can have 20 or 30)
"Early Marriage"
-one INDEPENDENT of how old you are -the "period of courtship" is relatively brief -ex) you meet and 6 months late, you get married -if you have dated for 2-3 years, you know other person and less likely to end in divorce
The DOWNSIDE of Being Physically Attractive
-physically attractive p/o have more friends than average, more dates than average, and more active sex lives than average -BUT...when asked about one's confidence/goals in life, there is often a NEGATIVE RELATIONSHIP--the MORE beautiful the woman, THE LESS optimistic they are about leading a fulfilling life and LESS CONFIDENCE about their future :(
BOTH of these things are TRUE!
-similarity AND complementarity drives
Leary's Insight (from 1950s)
-the "Leary Circle"- similarity drives along 1 dimension; complementary drives another dimension Complementarity drives attraction! -DOMINANT and SUBMISSIVE roles -p/o on DOMINANT end of the dimension- like to take charge and make decisions and give orders--they are MOST ATTRACTED to someone on the SUBMISSIVE end of dimension -people on the dominant end are attracted to p/o on the submissive end (2 dominant p/o will NOT get along- the will both try to display their dominance; 2 submissive p/o will get nowhere and not get anything done) -p/o who are a LITTLE dominant are attracted to people who are a LITTLE submissive Leary's "Love-Hate" Dimension -SIMILARITY drives interpersonal attraction! -p/o on the LOVE end of the dimension--DO NOT like conflict; want everyone to be happy + get along and like harmony- "LOVE" PEOPLE WILL BE ATTRACTED TO OTHER "LOVE" PEOPLE who want harmony too! -p/o who are "hate"- like argument/challenge -they are attracted to other "hate" people- who also like to argue/challenge -MOST PEOPLE ARE IN THE MIDDLE! (if your a little love, you are attracted to p/o who are a little love)
"birds of a feather flock together"
-we are attracted to p/o VERY SIMILAR TO US "similarity drives" interpersonal attraction --->b/c we understand them and they understand us
"Divorce portends divorce"
-when 2 ppl get married, if there are 0 divorces in their past, they are much more likely to NOT GET DIVORCED :) -if you have 1 divorce, you are more likely to end in divorce -if you have 3 divorces in a couple's past-VERY LIKELY TO END IN DIVORCE Why is this?? 1) personality reasons-some people are just not easy to get along with and eventually first spouse gets disgusted then second then third 2) when conflict arises in marriages, if p/o have been divorced once, often times they don't have the PATIENCE to fight through the difficult times to get to the good times 3) sometimes p/o have "emotional burnout"-->they can't take it anymore -in old marriage, neg. emotions of yelling/crying -in 2nd marriage, can't take those again emotionally 4) p/o who have been divorced in the past face the problem of "blended families" -his kids/her kids/their kids -don't know who has LINES OF AUTHORITY
"The Summer Romance"
-you meet someone at Disney and spend lots of time together and feel like your falling in love--you disclose intimate details of your life; you have emotional attachment and fulfillment of psych. needs BUT NO INTERDEPENDENCE
How Anger is Handled
1) Cycle of Negative Affect -in bad marriages... there is NEGATIVE AFFECT RECIPROCITY- 2 ppl argue and 1 person says something nasty and other reciprocates w/even nastier comment -when other person does something BAD-you make an INTERNAL ATTRIBUTION but when they do something GOOD, you make an EXTERNAL ATTRIBUTION -in good marriages... *the cycle of negative affect is broken relatively EARLY in argument by WOMEN -use relationship enhancing attributions: -when spouse does something good-make an internal attribution; when spouse does something bad- make an external attribution Knowing how to Argue -p/o in GOOD MARRIAGES tend to be as NON-EMOTIONAL as possible- they are DESCRIPTIVE rather than evaluative (descriptive: "You did this, I thought this") -p/o in BAD MARRIAGES are EVALUATIVE- your ass, what's wrong with you -good marriages have honest complaints w/a view to the future! -good marriages know that when they argue-argue about 1 thing and stick to the topic -bad marriages-not interested in solving problem; interested in hurting other person and bring in so many things from the past to hurt the other person
Marriage is the most intimate relationship of all b/c...
1) the degree of INTERDEPENDENCE in a marriage is GREATER than in any other relationship 2) marriage is intended to be a LIFELONG commitment
Determinants of Good Marriage
A "good marriage" is one that is LONG-LASTING and has a HIGH LEVEL OF MARITAL SATISFACTION
Physical Attractiveness
A) Aesthetic Appeal -we simply enjoy being in the presence of a very beautiful woman/handsome man b/c their presence is aesthetically appealing like an aesthetic painting -we also feel better about OURSELVES around physically attractive people**** "He could be anywhere but he's with me!" -p/o look consistently LONGER at the very beautiful woman than less attractive woman (YOU STARE AND ENJOY IT)
Complementarity
A) Behavioral Complementarity -refers to BEHAVIORAL STYLES- behavioral style of DOMINANCE or behavioral style of SUBMISSION ex) "anxious-nurturant dimension" -p/o on the NURTURANT end will be attracted to p/o on the ANXIOUS end and vice versa -2 nurturing ppl won't get along nearly as well -2 anxious ppl won't get alone nearly as well
SIMILARITY
A.) Demographic Similarity -we become friends/dates/spouses with p/o who are very similar to us in terms of... *age *education (ex. high-school dropout will marry another high school dropout) *race *religion "Experimental Dormitory Study" -->college students most attracted to those similar to us in terms of... *age *urban/rural/suburban *race *intellectual interests *recreational interests *parental income
Intimate Relationships
A.) Emotional Attachment -feelings of LOVE and AFFECTION for the other person -DEEP SEATED EMOTIONAL CONVICTION that we have is so special -this person is unique
The DOWNSIDE of Being Physically Attractive
A.) Flattery Must be Discounted -they become sensitive to the effect of their appearance on others- is the flattery they receive GENUINE OR do ppl. simply want to associate w/me for my beauty? -physically UNATTRACTIVE p/o give MORE CREDENCE (faith) to feedback in "seen" condition -physically ATTRACTIVE p/o give LESS CREDENCE to "seen" condition b/c unsure whether p/o like essay for genuine reasons or appearance? -attractive p/o can grow to be very SUSPICIOUS toward other ppl and jaded towards other ppl and CYNICAL and UNTRUSTWORTHY
Why is similarity attractive?
A.) Self-Confirmation -when we hang out with ppl who are SIMILAR to us, they send subtle messages that we are honorable/nice/respectable ppl- they confirm our sense of self (when someone is different from you and you like them--you doubt yourself)
Determinants of Good Marriage
A.) Trust 1) Exchange Relationships -99.99% of all relationships we have are EXCHANGE--marked by ********"cost accounting"******-we are constantly monitoring how much am I putting in and getting out of this relationship? -if those 2 levels are the same, all is good :) -the more you PUT IN, the more you GET OUT of the relationship -relationships are very important-PUT A LOT IN and GET A LOT OUT -when these 2 things are out of balance, this causes psychological imbalance- causes tension -if out of balance for TOO LONG A TIME, the relationship will DISSOLVE/BREAK-UP 2) Communal Relationships -p/o in GOOD MARRIAGES have communal relationships -p/o resist this "cost accounting"; rather, each person will respond to the other's needs over a long term relationship b/c each person is committed to the other in the LONG RUN -each person is willing to make SHORT-TERM SACRIFICES b/c they trust the other person -each person TRUSTS the other person that the other person will RECIPROCATE in due course -the best marriages have this basic, fundamental long-term sense of TRUST
Intimate Relationships
B.) Fulfillment of Psychological Needs -the ability of each person to SHARE FEELINGS and feel UNINHIBITED w/this person-don't have to censor yourself and you gain reassurance from other person; this person will help, support, and love me
Physical Attractiveness
B) Social Rewards -we are attracted to physically attractive p/o b/c they are TREATED BETTER! and we, via our association w/beautiful woman, will be rewarded for associating with them "indirect social reward" -you benefit via your association w/attractive person...so p/o are not treating Prof. Srull well but INDIRECTLY giving tickets to him "direct social reward" -his friends will think MORE HIGHLY OF PROF. SRULL if he has beautiful gf and admire him more and like him more
Complementarity
B.) Abilities or Areas of Achievement "self-evaluation maintenance model" 1) suggests that each of us has an identity that is tied up in certain abilities or areas of achievement 2) all else being equal, we will be MOST ATTRACTED to others whose OWN success DOES NOT UNDERMINE our own identity as a competent person ex) Srull will be more attracted to a DANCER than a psychologist b/c it DOESN'T threaten his identity-we are attracted to others who succeed in areas/abilities of achievement DIFFERENT from ours!
Why is similarity attractive?
B.) Anticipatory Reciprocity -if we have lots of values in common, I anticipate you'll like me so I like you first so I treat you well and you like me
Determinants of Good Marriage
B.) Intimacy -good marriages are "growth-oriented" marriages- they grow over time -bad marriages become destructive over time 1) Self-Disclosure -occurs VERY SLOWLY over months + years -the degree to which your willing to tell the other person VERY PRIVATE ASPECTS OF YOURSELF -DEPTH- how intimate are you gonna get -BREADTH-how many topics will you disclose -p/o in good marriages, p/o will say something PRIVATE and will be accepted in a non-judgmental way and over time, that self-disclosure will be reciprocated by other person and over years each person will be disclosing more and more intimate study and 2 ppl will get closer and closer 2) Affection -the other person accepts me and loves me for my strengths/weaknesses/disappointments and this person does NOT demand perfection- he loves me even for my mistakes + flaws 3) Emotional Expressiveness -my ability to be COMPLETELY HONEST and not worry about being rejected -ex) I don't have to censor myself- I can be completely free w/you and you won't reject me
The DOWNSIDE of Being Physically Attractive
B.) Negative Stereotypes -stereotypes toward beautiful women can have NEGATIVE components- sometimes thought to be LESS INTELLIGENT/LESS SERIOUS -sometimes beautiful women are thought of as: egotistical conceited vain undeserving of what they've accomplished
SIMILARITY
B.) Personality Similarity -very important in early stages AND long-term viability of relationship -p/o who are high-energy are attracted to other high-energy p/o IQ- we are attracted to p/o who's IQ is similar to us
when people get DIVORCED, there is tremendous
BITTERNESS--worst thing is to be friends w/a couple undergoing a divorce 1) this means that the person you fall most deeply in love with--changes are this person will turn into a bitter enemy :( 2) YOUNG MARRIAGES fail at a disproportionate rate -the lower # in age you get married, the more likely to get divorced -when p/o are young and get married, they are much more likely to change DRAMATICALLY in next 20 yrs and maybe you don't approve of it--conflict -if you are young, you haven't experienced many of the things most ppl experience in life ex) raise or family member passing away
Physical Attractiveness
C) Positive Stereotypes the "what is beautiful is GOOD" STEREOTYPE -the physically attractive p/o are thought to have EVERY positive attribute (and these extend into the future) -physically attractive p/o are perceived to be MORE sexually warm/sexually responsive--more kind, strong, outgoing, nurturing, sensitive, interesting, poised, sociable, better than average dates, better character -this stereotype is true when anyone is judging any physically attractive person (same gender or opposite gender) -these stereotypes not only exist in the present, but reach to the FUTURE!***** -stereotype includes that physically attractive p/o have BRIGHT FUTURES ahead of them (beautiful women will have more PRESTIGE as they GROW OLDER and will have HAPPIER MARRIAGES and more social success and more professional success and have more FULFILLING LIFE)
Intimate Relationships
C.) Interdependence -2-person relationship is INTERDEPENDENT -what happens to you affects ME
Determinants of Good Marriage
C.) Liking and Respect- good marriage- basic fundamental LIKING and RESPECT for that person 1) Passionate love -very arousing, consuming, intense, thoughts of other person are intruding on your brain, intimate, often sexual BUT THIS IS NOT the basis for a long-term relationship; in good marriages, passionate love will slowly evolve into...COMPANIONATE LOVE 2) Companionate Love -less sexual/intense -**more psychological + long-lasting -occurs when it becomes impossible to think about my life except in the context of your life :) -YOU become part of MY self-concept -"I was lucky, I got to marry my best friend"
SIMILARITY
C.) Physical Attractiveness -the more physically attractive the woman is, the more the man enjoyed the date/likes her and vice versa -in real world, SIMILARITY IN PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS "Matching Hypothesis" -if you look at ppl who are friends, they resemble each other more in terms of physical attractiveness -dating couple will resemble each other MORE than friends in attractiveness -people who are married resemble each other more than engaged ppl do ****VIP-TEST QUESTION Married couples (resemble each other the MOST) > engaged couples> dating couples > friends > random pairs *the more intimate the relationship, the more 2 ppl resemble each other! -there is a social norm for this to find someone who's attractiveness is similar to our own; if p/o break the norm, they will be punished -the social world is a marketplace and is governed by laws of supply and demand -marry someone w/similar attractiveness b/c of supply and demand
The DOWNSIDE of Being Physically Attractive
C.) Pressure to Maintain Appearance -these beautiful women become very fearful of rejection if they lose their beauty- THIS IS MUCH MORE TRUE OF WOMEN THEN MEN -MEN put a much greater emphasis on physical beauty for WOMEN than women do on men :( -when p/o make judgments of attractiveness, we are using CUES related to the FACE and cues related to the BODY face- how big is nose? cheek bones, jaw, ears body-bone structure/skin color/muscles ***THE MOST IMPORTANT CUE: SYMMETRY- no one's face is symmetrical, but the closer it is, the MORE ATTRACTIVE -judgments of UNATTRACTIVENESS- rely more heavily on cues related to the BODY and rely less on cue of the face -for women judging MEN: strongest cue in driving judgment of unattractiveness: potbelly/beer-belly (single biggest complaint wives have about husbands!-but women don't care as much) -for men judging WOMEN: strongest cue in unattractiveness: big butt (bothers MEN MORE)
Complementarity
C.) Resources Offered -in culture, beautiful women are expected to marry rich, handsome men -rich men are expected to marry beautiful women -p/o ADVERTISE themselves-->men and women write VERY DIFFERENT ADS -when WOMEN write personal ads, they emphasize...1) physical attractiveness and 2) good sense of humor -when MEN write personal ads, they emphasize 1) stability and 2) success 1) all of this is a product of EVOLUTIONARY FORCES -members of the same gender will COMPETE for the. most desirable/fertile females and women will compete w/other women for the best men to raise her children -physical attractiveness is important for men to see in WOMEN b/c it is a marker for HEALTH and FERTILITY! -for women to see in men, MATURITY and AGE is a marker (women like older men b/c they are more likely to stick around and raise her children) OPTIMAL MATCH: *****YOUNGER WOMEN to be attracted to OLDER MEN
Why is similarity attractive?
C.) Searching for an Ideal Person -your ideal person=SOMEONE JUST LIKE ME+ A LITTLE BETTER :)
Physical Attractiveness
D) Self-Fulfilling Prophecies -b/c I believe something is TRUE, I act in such a way to MAKE IT TRUE -if a guy thinks he is talking to a beautiful woman, he will her her/respect her/want to date her -when a guy thinks he is talking to an unattractive person, they have no interest in meeting her ***-if you think she's beautiful--he makes the effort and she makes the effort back and she will appear to be very interesting BUT If he's bored/uninterested, she will appear the same too
SIMILARITY
D.) Attitudes similarity-MOST IMPORTANT!! -the more attitudes 2 people have in common, the MORE THEY WILL LIKE EACH OTHER "interpersonal repulsion hypothesis" -it's not that we're attracted to someone b/c most attitudes in common, but rather we do not want to be w/ppl whose attitudes are different from us" (we dislike ppl who have different attitudes) -more attitudes 2 ppl disagree on, the more they dislike each other -if someone is very DIFFERENT from you--you AVOID THEM--"negative screen of dissimilarity"- when someone is too different from us shut them out of your life "positive screen of similarity"- low level of similarity=indifferent -high level of similarity=ppl you are MOST attracted to
Determinants of Good Marriage
D.) Similarity of Emotional Needs -p/o argue about MONEY and SEX 1) Money -a big trouble spot -early in relationship (in love), they do a lot of crazy things and spend money lavishly -people come in 2 categories: *savers-money is SECURITY *spenders- money is for ENJOYMENT -it is important that the 2 ppl MATCH -p/o should MATCH in their PHILOSOPHY of money -put a spender w/a saver-conflict in relationship -for some who grew up poor-they are savers -others who grew up poor- they are spenders 2) Sex -p/o disagree about sex a lot -sexual appetite varies from person to person greatly!!!! BUT A MISMATCH CAN BE VERY BAD -SEXUAL APPETITE CHANGES OVER TIME! (changes OPPOSITE for males and females!) -males are at their sexual peak at age 18 and sexual interest will slowly decrease the rest of their life -females start off very slow but sexual appetite INCREASES OVER TIME--peak: age 40
Physical Attractiveness
E) Have Better Social Skills -physically attractive people DO IN FACT have BETTER SOCIAL SKILLS that most p/o -beautiful p/o have had years of positive social experiences and over time, these people have high levels of SELF-ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE -this is especially true in situations that are socially awkward--physically attractive people are much more likely to navigate these situations BETTER and get everyone through awkward moment!!
women are more likely to have...
EATING DISORDERS (pressure to maintain appearance) 1) Annorexia Nirvosa -self-starvation -they get THINNER and think they're fat ***1% of ALL FEMALES ages 15-30 are anorexic ***95% of all anorexics are FEMALE 2) Bulemia Nirovsa -"binge + purge" -GET WEAK AND DEHYDRATED -go on diet and not eat and THEN eat enormous amount of food and force themselves to throw up or take laxatives to get it out -***5% of ALL FEMALES ages 15-30 have had 1 bulimic episode in past year COSMETIC SURGERIES -more common for males than 10 years ago -MORE COMMON AMONG FEMALES than males
1 determinant of interpersonal attraction is...
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
most important criticism to evolutionary standpoint:
SOCIAL EXPLANATION -there was widespread social discrimination against women -younger women attracted to older men b/c OLDER MEN CONTROL ALL THE RESOURCES -women lose their economic/political power so b/c of strong societal discrimination, they have to form an association with older men***
the CHILDREN of DIVORCED PARENTS are more likely to have THEIR MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE than the children of parents who were never divorced
b/c...when these kids get married and problems happen, they don't have the patience to fight through it or suffer from emotional burnout-growing up, they saw ppl screaming and crying and don't want that
there is NO overall relationship between
marital satisfaction + sexual activity -the guy always wants to have sex more -for WOMEN, PSYCHOLOGICAL INTIMACY leads to sexual drive -for MEN, they try to use sexual appetite to drive intimacy
Interpersonal Attraction
refers to person's DESIRE to APPROACH another individual (PSYCHOLOGICALLY approach, not physically approach) -this is a process that can occur VERY RAPIDLY and not uncommon for after 30 seconds after interacting w/someone to see how intelligence/nice someone is -we take tiny bits of information and make LOTS of INFERENCES
Main take-away from all of this...
studies show that there is NO OVERALL RELATIONSHIP between general attractiveness and overall happiness with one's life
when someone has an affair...
the reactions that MEN and WOMEN have is very very different -when WOMEN think husband is having an affair, she asks him, "Do you love her?"--she is TERRIFIED of the EMOTIONAL BETRAYAL, not as much the physical betrayal -when MEN think wife is having an affair, he asks, "Did you sleep with him?"- he doesn't like the emotional betrayal BUT TERRIFIED of the PHYSICAL BETRAYAL--b/c again, the guy does not want his girl to become impregnated by another man
