she kills monsters - agnes

Tilly: What are you doing?

Talking on the phone. What are you doing?

(Tilly) okay no he didn't but he mighta

That's not funny.

chuck: this is what your sister wrote

"violence makes me hot?"

Chuck, what? I don't want to see you get sexy with the sexy elf girl. Why would I want to hear you describe that? You, gross, hot girl a hot girl action. I mean, that's so gay and I'm so... Straight.

Are you done? (beat) whoa, what are you doing

Miles: Babe.

Are you going to bring her back?

Chuck: Your boyfriend? No, that's not right.

Hey!

Miles: What?

Huh?

Evil Gabbi: Aw, that's so sad. Aren't they just so sad?

I don't see what's so funny.

Kaliope: what troubles you, Agnes the ass hatted

I joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to help her, but I don't think she needs me at all

Tilly: I didn't want to tell you all this if that's what you're wondering. This game is supposed to be private

I met Lily by the way. The real one

tilly: maybe because he sucks

I thought you liked him.

Chuck: look, I can only extrapolate so much, but this is feeling a bit blasphemous

I was talking to my sister, do you mind

tilly: why? also i can watch you run off with slimy muslim reface over there and forget all about me?

I would never forget about you

Tilly: What are you doing?

I'm getting to know your friends

Miles: I thought you said you weren't mad.

I'm not mad. I'm just focused on this right now.

Tilly: I... Don't know

It must have been hard

Kaliope: Boss Number Two!

It's okay

Miles: This is important to you and I want to be part of it.

It's private though.

Kaliope: Was that sarcasm?

No

lilith: so are we going to kill it or not?

OK, let's fight it

Chuck: but Agnes

Play it!

Chuck: Agnes, I'm all for role-playing, but this is a bit deeper than I usually get

Play the role, Chuck

(Orcus) gross

This isn't fair, Tilly, and you know it

Tilly: I don't know.

Tilly

Tilly: Well, he didn't last long.

Tilly, shoot them with a magic missile.

Tilly: I guess?

Tilly, you can talk to me-

Tilly: Good job.

Tilly?

tilly: you're right. okay, team, let's kill miles!

Wait no

Kaliope: no, we're elves. We're above emotions. That's a human trait

Well, color me envious right about now

Miles: Okay, that's fair, but you're not mad.

Well, keep asking that question and we'll see.

Tilly: I forgot the spell.

What do you mean you forgot the spell?

Chuck and Tilly: Agnes... Can you do me a favor

What?

Kaliope: I apologize would you like to copulate with me now?

What?

Tilly: I'm not really her you know?

What?

Tilly: Oh, I'm sorry, that's so much less lame.

Whatever, he's my boyfriend!

lilith: yes. thank you

have a good day

orcus: the river of wetness to the swamps of mushy—

the names of these locations are terrible

chuck: he is

then why would her character get picked on like that?

tilly: elves and demons don't sleep

they don't? so i guess them being unconscious would be a bad thing, right?

miles: hey, baby, how ya doing? did you see me score that touchdown? i was awesome.

this is not fair tilly!

orcus: i'm busy

this is the overlord of the underworld?

vera: hey! what's with all the excitement

this is tilly's girlfriend

tilly: oh god.

this isn't good, is it?

chuck: three bugbears are after you

three what

(start of scene eight)

tilly! tilly, where are you? check it out, i got myself some cool— (beat) whoa, what the hell?!

tilly: welcome to new landia, stranger. i am—

tilly?

tilly: of course i am. i made it up, didn't i?

tilly—

evil tina and evil gabbi: please please please!

uh okay. sure. what's up?

chuck: you weren't supposed to get hung up on that particular detail

uh okay. where were we?

(Kaliope) oh, hi! Nice to meet you

uh...hi

orcus: shhhhhhhh!

um we're here to fight you?

tilly: and what would a d&d adventure be if you didn't get to fight a dragon?

um...chuck?

miles: hey!

vera it's okay. he's allowed to ask

(vera is frozen. she doesn't respond)

vera? hello? (beat) oh crap

orcus: oh crap. this is a bit awkward

wait just a minute, you're the lost soul of athens

lilith: oh. sorry. i'm lily

wait your name's lily

chuck: gains plus one in being less of a *******!

wait, is that really a stat?

tilly: you need to go get yourself a super nintendo stat!

wait, so does this mean tilly's not...um, you know.

tilly: did you have fun? that's the point in all this. did you have fun? (beat) good

wait. (beat) you're not real. you're gone.

lilith: we need magic. real magic

wait. what magic?

farrah: you shoulda said something

we should've

tilly: yeah, i loved watching you two make out every day in our living room to that cranberries cd

we weren't listening to the cranberries. it was 10,000 maniacs

Miles: Cool

we weren't making out if that's what you were wondering

chuck: what do you want to do with it exactly.

well chuck, it's a game right? i want to play it.

chuck: so what do you want to know about the d and the d

well i have this thingy. i'm not quite sure what it is

vera: puny adventures! you have no hope to defeat me! i am a beholder!!! and i will—

well, that was super easy

Tilly: He touched me.

what

chuck: i don't think this module is just a game

what

tilly: oh crap

what

evil gabbi: as we said, we were gonna do this last year but we ran out of time

what about tillius? what did you think of tillius?

tilly; ronnie gets to be super strong...

what about you?

(Tilly) that seemed really effective

what am i supposed to do, tilly? i can't just beat them up.

lilith: can i help you?

what are you doing here?

lilith: what do you mean?

what are you doing here?

miles: actually, i would. i would like to play, chuck

what are you doing?

tilly: what do you want to do?

what can i do?

chuck: what do you do?

what do i do? i don't even know what a bugbear is? are they bugs? are they bears?

tilly: i can't

what do you mean you can't?

chuck: agnes—um, do you have a moment?

what do you want?

tilly: hey

what happened back there with the evil cheer-o-stitutes

tilly: class: demon queen

what in the hell is she wearing?

Vera: She was being sarcastic, dummy

what is it, chuck?

chuck: yeah, what's up?

what is this?

tilly: but first you're going to have to meet the rest of our party

what party?

chuck: i can't. not for this adventure. there's rules

what rules? you're the dm, you make the rules

chuck: three bugbears

what the heck is a bugbear?

tilly: sure, we don't have to call it miles

what the hell

(she runs up to him (chuck))

what the hell's happening?

tilly: oh, hey there agnes. nice gloves.

what were you do doing?

tilly: any word on orcus's location

what's an orcus

tilly: well, don't worry. you haven't learned anything

what's that supposed to mean?

tilly: then what's your damage?

what's with not giving your girlfriend a full costume?

lilith: is this your special skill? asking questions? yes that will come in handy

what's your special skill, being a b-

Kaliope: oh that? That, my dear human friend, is boss number two. Miles the gelatinous cube

what?

Tilly: So did you have fun?

what?

chuck: tillius is a guy character

what?

tilly: mine.

what?

Chuck: I just wanted to show you something. it's something of tilly's.

what? (beat) where is this

tilly: start playing this game correctly

what? how?

chuck: and miss

what? look at these things! how do i miss that?

narrator: by smiling down her younger sister in a car crash

what? no!

Evil Gabbi: You cheated.

what? you really thought we were gonna dance battle you to death. wow, i guess my sister's right. cheerleaders are dumb

evil gabbi: we're way too powerful for you.

who said we were going to do it with our fists?

chuck: no i don't. gary gygax made the rules

who the hell is gary gygax?

chuck: girl characters like chin li?

who's chuck li?

orcus: you're making time with a paladin and a human

who's her dad?

Chuck: This is a friend's house.

who?

chuck: wait, your sister is tillius the paladin?

who?

tilly: i was uh...kissing my girlfriend

whoa! what just a minute! you two are a couple?

vera: what? he doesn't know something about you? surprise surprise

why don't you like him?

evil tina: and we're both on this year's yearbook committee representing the freshman class and we were wondering if it'd be okay if we ran an ad in this year's bobcat annual

why would i care what you do?

chuck: some dude. named tillius. who was a guy.

why would she do that?

orcus: damnit, and i got the munchies

why'd you make miles a flesh eating Jell-O mold?

miles: i think i should go

why?

Miles: I misinterpreted

with a freshman?

chuck: and this is what happens next...

wow

lilith: look, please don't tell him, okay? he'll kill me!

wow, suddenly someone doesn't seem so tough.

miles: were you guys playing dungeons and dragons?

yeah

kaliope: yeah, well. my brother's always been into it, but it was actually tilly that convinced me to give it a shot, i know it's dorky, right?

yeah, i guess

lilith: i just wish i could have told her that

yeah, i know what you mean. (to self) okay, chuck, i get it. let's do this.

chuck: this is your sisters

yeah, it was in her locker

chuck: you've been on the internet right?

yeah, like once. at school

evil gabbi: was she one of your sisters friends?

yeah, you guys were real super close

evil gabbi: totally sisters

yeah. and me being on the voting panel for who makes it to job from the freshman squad would have nothing to do with this, correct?

lilith: i really mean it

yeah?

Miles: Vera told you, huh?

yep

tilly: you promise?

yes, i promise (beat) what are you doing?

tilly: agnes!

yes. yes, i can do that.

evil gabbi: like we admire you

you admire me?

lilith: what was real?

you and tilly. you two were real

vera: do you think we dress this way because we hate pants?

you did great, babe

miles: what did i do?

you didn't do anything. i just can't hang tonight

lilith: no we weren't

you don't have to hide it

miles: yeah, i'd say so

you don't think i'm a dork now, do you?

kaliope: all except for one...

you fought that?

(ad-libbing miles fight scene)

you guys suck

chuck: i can't

you killed her girlfriend now bring her back.

chuck: tilly evans

you knew her?

lilith: oh i know

you know?

orcus; yeah, lemme get her. you guys can come in if you want, just don't touch the tv, i'm recording power rangers

you really didn't do much to make him different

miles: roses, daises, lilacs, carnations, marigolds?

you really know a lot about flowers—

lilith: i'm not following

you two dates

chuck: i will be your dungeon master!

you'll be my what?

vera: nooooooooooooooo

you're amazing at the costumer service

miles: i know. but you never talk to me about your sister. i just...if this could help me get to know you better, i wanna try. please.

you're for real?

tilly: i told you. we're lovers.

you're gay?

tilly: tillius actually. the paladin

you're in this game?

chuck: boss fight number two: agnes the ass-hatted versus miles the doppelgänger

you're not actually him—you're not actually him

tilly: it's a boss, it's not supposed to be fair

you're not actually miles

chuck: plus three hella high!

you're very odd

Miles: You killed me?

no, i just killed a big fat blob that looked like you

miles: hey, babe. um, maybe you should take a breather. i just died and i'm fine.

no, i'm not going to let my sister just suffer likely this

chuck: the bugbear strikes again

no, no, wait!

vera: with miles?

no, not with miles

lilith: does it matter?

no. i guess not

Orcus: I only keep souls. I don't put them back.

Chuck

Kaliope and Chuck: nothing

Chuck!

Kaliope: Copulate fornicate, consensual intimate stimulus. I think it would make you feel better. I hear you humans like to do such things

Chuck, I'm not going to fool around with the elf girl!

Chuck: I'm not her

Chuck?

(Tilly) so are we giving up or what?

Fine. Whatever. It's clearly not my boyfriend, right? You just named him that. Miles is it actually Green, slimy, and cube shaped

Tilly: He's a fart-knocker.

He liked you.

Tilly: Oh yeah?

She's gay isn't she?

Tilly: Guys, you're not helping.

So what's the next thing we have to fight?

Kaliope: We are unfortunately lacking in emotional awareness

So you're like a robot?

Steve: ahhhh!

You made my boyfriend a Jell-O mold?

tilly: you're going to at least need a shield

a shield i can do

miles: hey baby, since you're down there, why don't you say hello to my little friend?

actually, *******, i don't care who you look like, nobody disrespects me! (beat) let's go

tilly, lilith, kaliope: no!

fine, i'll just take a regular sword

Miles: I am.

fine. roll him up a character sheet

lilith: wow, looks like i'm not the only monster here

get away from me!

(grabs yearbook)

get the hell out of my face! now! before i rip your stupid eyeballs out.

Tilly: Stop.

go away

tilly: wow, i never took you for a homophobe

i'm not a homophobe!

vera: holy crap you're fooling around with a fish?

i'm not fooling around with anyone. i'm just playing dungeons and dragons

miles: are you mad at me?

i'm not happy

miles: agnes, come on

i'm not in the mood to-

tilly: you can't just walk around looking like that

i'm not wearing what you're wearing

vera: and, three, are those my gloves?

i'm sorry. i just thought...that girl might be the only link i have left to—

kaliope; he's not tiamat

if he's not then who is?

evil tina and evil gabbi: we both consider her a very close friend

is that right?

tilly; everyone else does or did. i mean until i got hit by a car and then suddenly, wow, i'm the most popular girl in school.

is that why all you guys play this?

vera: agnes, baby...

it all just infinitely sucks

lilith: does this upset you, lunch meat?

it upsets me that you don't know how to put on all your clothes.

vera: agnes

it was just...that game was all i had of her. just a stupid character sheet and whatever she left scribbled out in that notebookS

miles: you're just playing a game

it's more than that

chuck: yo, hold up. where'd you get this?

it's my sister's

vera: whoa. what do you mean "sorta?"

it's not what you think—

lilith: i'm not

it's okay, you can tell me. tell me!

vera: girl it's me. i'm not your stupid boyfriend. talk to me.

it's stupid

vera: the boy's persistent

it's...it's tilly's anniversary, okay?

miles: so why can't you hang?

it's...well...none of your business

chuck: that's a picture of his sister

kaliope

lilith; i don't know, love. where could you possible find a monster in this game?

lilith?

lilith: it's okay

look, i know you're not fat or were my sisters whatever but she wanted you to have this. it's a letter she wrote to you

Lilith: Okay.

look, i'm sorry about freaking out the other day at your job, but

farrah: trespass on my magically enchanted forest!

look, maybe we should just take the long way around to the mountain?

tilly: you're not serious

look, you may not like him; but at least i know he has my back

tilly: you were busy

not too busy to know this! i'm your sister. i shouldn't have to learn about you through a role-playing game!

miles: what stuff?

nothing

vera: what's up?

nothing

kaliope: what say you?

of course i'm in

lilith: i would never...with a girl—

of course, you were together. it's so obvious. look at you!

chuck: a hooded stranger approaches

oh crap. okay. am i supposed to do something here? like fight it?

miles: you're clearly busy

oh god, you know about this now, don't you?

chuck: final fight! agnes! versus! tiamat!

oh god.

lilith: what! no!

oh my god, that totally explains it!

miles: you can't hurt me! i play football

oh yeah. well, welcome to my foot, balls!

chuck: as in my brain

oh!!

miles: hey

oh, hi

tilly: trying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of electricity

oh, okay... what!?!

tilly: where are they?

oh. they're right over there! taking a nap.

Orcus: Like Miles the Gelatinous Cube.

okay

lilith: you look like you would be delicious with a side of baby

okay! so we're going into a cave? cool. let's go!

chuck: they miss.

okay, let me think

chuck: sit!

okay.

chuck: so what can i do for you...sweet thang

one: don't call me sweet thang. two: someone told me you might know a thing or two about dungeons and dragons

kaliope; i don't have that kind of magic

orcus?

orcus: what's up, home slice?

orcus?

chuck: the first bugbear strikes!

ow! whoa! wait! don't i get a turn

chuck: you however swing—

ow!!!

tilly: uh-

owww!

evil tina: again with the "uh's"!

owwww!

evil tina: i don't understand "uh" i don't speak "uh"

owwww!

tilly: and then there's-

pause! chuck!

tilly: i thought You were here to save my soul. I guess you didn't mean it. Quest is over, guys! We lost. The last adventure I will ever take ended in a forfeit

stop

tilly: "real mature."

stop that!

farrah: yeah, and me and my wee butt is gonna kill the crap out of you guys!

seriously, what could she possibly do?

chuck: your mission is find and free the lost soul before it is devoured by the dark forces of darkness forever

seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?

vera: what the hell's wrong with you?

she was tilly's gurlfriend

tilly: she's a she-devil

she's dirty

tilly: they're right you know

shut up

tilly: that's not what it looks like to me

shut up. i watch the real world, i listen to madonna, there's no way i'm anti-gay

farrah: man, sorry, i didn't realize all that—

so are we cool

tilly: no. they're just really mean

so do we fight them?

tilly: i was a dorky fifteen-year-old girl who loved d&d, what do you think?

so how come You had to make up a game to tell me all this?

kaliope: and bestowed upon the warrior destined to vanquish the tiamat from new landia

so i can't have a sword like that one?

lilith: she didn't care

so was she also...

chuck: you don't have mace here

so what do i do?

lilith: actually it's short for elizabeth

so what, this was real?

tilly: yes, it's the right castle

so where is it?

(start of scene fourteen)

so where were we?

chuck: every player here in athens has been in a campaign with the great tillius

so you can help me figure out what it all means?

kaliope: it's okay. i'm used to it.

so you okay d&d with these guys?

evil tina and evil gabbi: and that we love her

so you were friends with my sister?

lilith: why else would i be wearing so much denim?

so you're real?

chuck: i'm still giving you your given circumstances

sorry

tilly: i sorta dies before i could get to it

sorry

tilly: this is a d&d adventure, not therapy

sorry

lilith: ah!

sorry!

chuck: whoa what in the hades!

sorry, i didn't mean to scare you—

vera: yo, say what? you went out with another guy?

sorta

lilith: why i'm not here instead of folding things in the back

sounds like her. i should go. let vera know that i came by. my name's agnes by the way

tilly: can you do that?

...

Chuck: What?

Bring her back.

Tilly: My character's not dead.

But you are.

Kaliope: No. Tillius used that spell to save you.

But you're magical, do something.

Chuck: OK. Look, there's something in here that I think you should see

Do it in character

Chuck: Agnes

Do it!

Kaliope: my Apologies, Agnes. The wee elves may have heightened speed, agility, strength, and attractiveness

Don't forget modesty

Tilly: I know they're geeky, I'm geeky, we're all geeks.

Why do you think I care about that stuff?

Kaliope: well, I don't think she needs help for most people. She is a 20th level paladin after all. If anything, we travel with her for we often require her help.

Wow, elf, you're really bad at giving advice

Chuck: Kelly, actually.

Wow. Is she actually hotter in real life?

Kaliope: what's wrong, Agnes the ass hatted? By the droop of your shoulders and your downward gaze, it would indicate you were troubled somehow

Wow. Observant

no, what will be your character name?

agnes

tilly: and what will be your name?

agnes

tilly: are you still mad at me for making you kill your boyfriend?

agnes: am i going crazy?

(fight with miles)

ahh!!

lilith: i'd advise not talking to me in such a tone

and i'd advise wearing a complete shirt next time you're making out with my sister! wait just a minute, what is happening here?

tilly; well, agnes, there's something you should know about tiamat

and that is?

lilith: i suggest we stop these succubi the old fashioned way

and that would be?

evil gabbi: oh god, you two are so gross

and you two are going to die!

tilly: demon girls from the demon world who like to de demonic things like sucking

are they a boss?

Chuck: I was also wondering if you were free this afternoon.

are you asking me out?

farrah: as in the mountain of steepness?

as a matter of fact yes

lilith: yep

as in lilith?

lilith: i work here

at the gap

chuck: the other bugbear strikes.

come on!

farrah: oh crap

aw gross

kaliope: the next boss is a beholder

aw, that sounds cute. like "beauty is in the eye of..."

chuck: well, lemme checkity check it out!

be careful with it. it's not mine. (beat) you know, you're not exactly what i was expecting

chuck: okay, so there's definitely a certain amount of improv around...

behave yourself

vera: so where have you been all weekend?

busy

tilly: of course you don't. you're a noob

but i do want to do this, tilly. i know all this meant a lot to you so i just want to— (beat) right. "this isn't therapy"

chuck: tillius is a guy

but she doesn't look like a guy

chuck: not yet

but you said a hooded stranger approaches. if a hooded stranger approached me in real life, i would totally mace him.

(Evil Tina) so what do you think?

can i see your yearbook there?

tilly: alright! you hear that miles! we're gonna kill the crap out of you and your dumb face

can we not call it miles?

vera: he's dating you isn't he?

can we please change the subject?

(lilith is dead)

can we resurrect her?

lilith: hi

can we talk for a minute? i promise i'm not going to do anything crazy

(i get pom poms!)

cheerleader style. we challenge you to...a dance battle

tilly&miles: agnes

chuck i'm done.

chuck: well it's clearly a homespun module

clearly. um, what's that?

lilith: i've only had two this week

cut down doing what?

tilly: what did it look like?

did that sorta stuff really happen? i mean in real life?

vera: he charms you with being dopey

do you really think that'd work?

miles: no, that's not what i'm thinking

do you want to talk about it?

vera: oh okay, what?!

don't make a big deal out of this.

chuck: the second bugbear strikes

don't roll that dice! (beat) ow! (beat) oh god...

miles: because before it was stuff and now it's —

don't worry about it

evil tina: what do you mean?

enough with all this dorky sword fighting stuff- (beat) you really think you're badasses? then let's finish this...

kaliope: eating the flesh of bad guys

ew

Chuck: fine. Whatever. You return back to your party who are all at the foot of the mountain of stupidness. But before you can move forward, use by something ahead of you. It's big, cube shaped, and gelatinous!

ew, what is that

vera: so how does miles feel about his girlfriend going geek?

he doesn't know

chuck: do you want to play? i mean if you want to hang out, let's hang. i mean you can't do any worse than agnes here, right? she sucks.

he doesn't want to play

Tilly: We already have five people in our party.

he just wanted to get to know you—is—better

tilly: what's he doing here?

he wanted to come

vera: please. he's a jock. he plays.

he's a dork who doesn't know how to talk to girls. he's not a player

vera: who is this new mystery man?

he's a freshman

vera: cause he's a player

he's not a player

(start of scene three)

hello? anyone here?

(opening of scene ten)

hey

evil tina: see you around. lesbians.

hey are you okay?

miles: alright, fish, i'm gonna break you in half!

hey chuck, look at what i found...

(start of scene 9)

hey vera, we gotta talk. you're not going to believe this, but—

tilly: i'm not lying!

hey what are you guys doing?

tilly; me? i get to save the princess

hi

Vera: It's okay Agnes.

no it's not. i didn't know her, vera. i remember her as a baby, i remember her as this little toddler i loved picking up and holding, but i don't remember her as a teen at all. i'll never get the chance to know her as an adult. and now all i have left is this stupid piece of paper and this stupid made-up adventure about killing a stupid made up dragon.

(Orcus) dude, if that thing is that hard to kill, I give up now

no! this is not boss number two. this is miles. the real miles. my boyfriend

chuck: yep

how come i never noticed her at school?

chuck: i got a girlfriend. from new york

how did you meet a girl from new york?

lilith: yeah

i didn't catch your name

tilly: you want more action?

i didn't know things were suddenly going to jump out at us

tilly: so are you sure you want to do this, cheerleader?

i do. but i don't know exactly what i'm doing—

chuck: he's the one that made the game

i don't care what you have to do, chuck. just bring her back. now.

miles: well, okay, how about tomorrow? can we hang out tomorrow?

i don't know

lilith; what does it say?

i don't know. it wasn't written to me. do you want it?

chuck: what do you do?

i fight back

chuck: or plan on working out—

i get it

miles: i'm sorry. i didn't—

i gotta go

chuck: are. you. ready?

i guess

kaliope: and what will be your weapon?

i guess a sword. a regular sword. (beat) like yours.

vera: so how is it?

i honestly don't see the appeal. all we've done so far is walk around and talk to things. i thought there were supposed to be monsters— vera?

vera: oh

i know it's just a game, but...

vera: fine. so what's up with this game? is this some sort of lame senioritis crisis?

i know it's stupids, it's just—i want to know why she liked it so much

evil tina and evil gabbi; your sister

i know who my sister is

lilith: i, uh...i did know tilly

i know. you were at her funeral

farrah: before i decide to go all faerie berserker all over your ugly asses

i thought fairies were supposed to be nice

tilly: i didn't think this would upset you like it does

i thought i knew you tilly. at least good enough to know whether you dug boys or girls at this point in your life

tilly: no

i thought you said tillius was a guy

tilly; it's just a game

i was getting to know you. i was just starting to get to know you.

lilith: how can i help you exactly

i was just looking for my friend. she's usually the one working the changing rooms. do you know where she is?

narrator: average agnes made one grand wish during her junior year of high school

i wish i didn't have such a geeky sister!!!

miles: wanna hang

i'd love to, but i can't

no, i'll see you around. bye

i'll call you later?

lilith: are you good, lawful, chaotic, unlawful, evil?

i'm a young democrat

miles: well i came by because i thought, maybe we could, you know, hang out?

i'm busy

miles: what's the big?

i'm busy

chuck: if you ever wanna come over to check it out

i'm cool. so about the notebook

kaliope: why are you dressed so strangely

i'm dressed strangely, you do know you look like a thundercat, right?

chuck: i'm a black belt in jedi...jitsu

i'm looking for chuck biggs

vera: miles says you had a bit of a meltdown

miles needs to mind his own business

evil tina: how will we ever get past them?

miles, get back

(Vera) that's not true- you have your memories

my memories, right. do you want to know what my memories of tilly are? they're of this little nerdy girl who i never talked to, who i ignored, who i didn't understand because she didn't live in the same world as i did. her world was filled with evil jello-molds and demon queens while mine...has dave matthews and cute haircuts. i didn't get her. i assumed one day i would—that she's grow out of all this—that i'd be able to sit around and ask her about normal things like clothes and tv shows and boys...and as it turns out, no one even knows if she was even into boys or not.

chuck: this is your party

my party is a leather-clad dominatrix and an elvin supermodel?

tilly: so what will be your alignment

my what?

Chuck: What? That was an option?

no

Miles: Can it not wait for just one night?

no

Tilly: Are you judging them?

no

chuck: odd as in hot, right?

no

tilly: stop being an ass-hat, agnes.

no i just want to use my name. agnes. it's less confusing that way.

chuck: i'm sorry

no! wrong answer!

chuck: you take a turn to think

no, i don't.

lilith: what?

question. what's a tiamat?

tilly: "seriously that's not something to joke about."

real mature

Tilly: Really?

really

chuck: you've been damaged

really? i couldn't tell

evil gabbi: we are fellow cheerleaders, right? i mean we're freshmen and you're on the varsity squad, but we're all fellow bobcats, right?

right

Tilly: We have your back.

right, just like you had my back when you made me kill my boyfriend?

lilith: i met you at the...uh—

right, your whole class came out. that was really sweet of you guys

chuck: i didn't kill her. she jumped in the way. i rolled the dice, it says she died.

screw the dice, just bring her back!

miles: it's not actually your sister

screw you

orcus: to the castle of evil where you will find the tiamat

seems simple enough

miles: don't tell me who i am

seriously are you guys not going to help?

tilly: that's not funny

seriously that's not something to joke about

kaliope: no magical creatures are allowed into his lair unless they risk being entrapped there forever.

seriously there has got to be more to this outfit, right?

tilly: class: dark elf

seriously, does no one here like wearing all their clothes?

miles: doing what?

stuff

tilly: succubus!

suck you what?

chuck: do you want to play the game or not?

sure, whatever

tilly: everyone knows paladins can't shoot magic missiles

sure. yeah. everybody knows... what? (beat) um tilly what's happening?

STEVE: It is I, the great mage Steve!

take that, you...dragon? (beat) he's, um, not getting back up

Chuck: What?

thank you so much for indulging me. really. it was...something. i'll call you if i change my mind. but i'm done talking to ghosts. goodbye.

chuck: i wanted to return this to you

thank you.

(Orcus) ..and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

that actually does sound interesting

kaliope: the devil

that explains a lot

orcus: the big bosses of new landia

that's less simple

vera: underneath you're just as much of a freak as the slackers in drama class

that's not true

lilith: fine, then it is decided, you are agnes the ass-hatted

that's not what i said

tilly: yes

that's—