Close Relationships--Chapter 6
Some studies suggest that fairness is an important factor int eh workings of intimate relationships and some do not. What are some reasons for these conflicting results?
(1) some people are more concerned with fairness than others, (2) equity may be more important in some domains than in others (ex. child care and household tasks), (3) MOST IMPORTANT: equity is a salient issue when people are dissatisfied, but it's only a minor issue when people are content
What are some reasons why prudent and cautious expectations about the future are more reasonable than romantic idealism?
(1) we all know how to be polite but it takes effort, relationships are work, (2) interdependency magnifies conflict and friction, (3) intimacy means that others know your secrets, foibles, and weaknesses and that gives them the ammo to wound us, (4) even if people are usually aware of most of their incompatibilities and problems there will always be surprises (ex. fatal attractions), and (5) all of this means that close relationships are often much different than what we expect
Define reward.
(IT) anything within an interaction that is desirable and welcome and that brings enjoyment or fulfillment to the recipient
Define cost.
(IT) punishing, undesirable experiences
Define outcome.
(IT)the net profit or loss a person encounters outcomes=rewards-costs
What are some examples of unpleasantness that occurs in most relationships?
44% of us are likely to be annoyed by a lover or a friend; typical spouses report one or two unpleasant disagreements in their marriages each month; married people are likely to be meaner to each other than to anyone else they know
Why are there so many unhappy relationships?
MAYBE romantic partners simply don't notice all of the loving and affectionate behaviors their lovers provide (husbands and wives with dismissing or fearful attachment styles are especially likely to miss some of the positive); MAYBE partners disagree about the meaning and value of the rewards they exchange; AND gender differences complicate things further (wives desire more emotion and husbands desire more sex)
Do pleasure and pain cancel each other out?
NO, they operate independently, involving different brain mechanisms and casusing distinct emotions and behaviors; they can coexist though
Does it matter if you're just occasionally unpleasant to your partner?
YES--negative behaviors in a close relationship seems o carry more psychological weight than similar amounts of positive behavior do; to stay satisfied with a close relationship, we may need to maintain a rewards-to-costs ratio of at least 5-to-1
What is a complication with CLalt?
a person's SL alt is what he or she THINKS it is, and a variety of factors can influence people's perceptions of their alternatives; ex. self-esteem, access to information
What is a FLOURISHING relationship?
approach goals are fulfilled, avoidance goals are fulfilled
What is a PRECARIOUS relationship?
approach goals are fulfilled, avoidance goals are thwarted
What is a BORING relationship?
approach goals are thwarted, avoidance goals are fulfilled; boredom now is linked to dissatisfaction later
What is a DISTRESSED relationship?
approach goals are thwarted, avoidance goals are thwarted
Typically, what are the CLalt levels for people who are in a satisfying relationship?
because people who are satisfied with their existing partnerships are relatively uninterested in looking around, they think they have lower CLalts
What happens when a partner's outcomes start falling?
being generous to each other may become a habit that neither one notices BUT if their outcomes start falling and their heady profits evaporate, even intimate partners in (what had been) communal relationships may once again begin paying close attention to the processes of exchange
What is CLalt?
comparison level for alternatives: describes the outcomes you'd receive by leaving your current relationship and moving to the best alternative partnership or situation you have available; the lowest levels of outcome we will tolerate from our present partners
What is CL?
comparison level: describes the value of the outcomes that we've come to expect and believe that we deserve in our dealings with others; based on past experiences
Describe an unhappy, unstable relationship.
current outcomes fall below both CL and CLalt (in any order)
Describe a happy, but unstable, relationship.
current outcomes surpass CL, but fall below CLalt
Describe an unhappy, but stable, relationship.
current outcomes surpass CLalt, but fall below CL
Describe a happy, stable relationship.
current outcomes surpass both CLalt and CL (in any order)
What is interdependency?
exists when we need others and they need us in order to obtain valuable interpersonal rewards
What does interdependent theory suggest when we consider all three of the factors (CLs, CLalts, and outcomes) simultaneously?
four different broad types of relationships result
What does a person's CL represent?
his neutral point on a continuum that ranges all the way from abject misery to ecstatic delight; makes our CLs the standards by which our satisfaction with a relationship is measured--if the outcomes you receive exceed your CL, you're happy
If we want our relationships to prosper it's not enough to avoid pleasantries, we must also combat boredom. Explain the self-expansion model.
holds that we are attracted to partnerships that expand the range of our interests, skills, and experiences
Explain the model of relational turbulence.
holds that we should expect a period of adjustment and turmoil as new partners become accustomed to their increasing interdependence; suggests that an unsettled period of adjustment and reevaltutation often occurs at moderate levels of intimacy in a developing relationship as the partners learn to coordinate their needs and to accommodate each other
Explain social exchange.
interdependence theory offers an economic view of relationships that involves social exchange in which partners provide each other desirable rewards
SO, through ___; because _____; and through ___, __, and __, people usually encounter unanticipated costs, even in good relationships.
lack of effort; interdependency is a magnifying glass; access to weaponry; unwelcome surprises; unrealistic expectations
What is the good news about relational turbulence?
only about one in every four couples don't experience large declines in their delight
What does our CL alt determine?
our dependence on our relationships--the greater the gap between our current outcomes and our poorer alternatives the more dependent we are
What is the equation to represent satisfaction in a relationship?
outcomes-CL=satisfaction or dissatisfaction
What spouses are happy down the road?
over time, the happiest couples were those who had had the most realistic outlooks about what wedded life would be like; spouses who had unrealistically positive expectations tended to be disappointed once the honeymoon was over
What happens in exchange relationships?
people do favors for others expecting to be repaid by receiving comparable benefits in return; typified by superficial, often brief, relatively task-oriented encounters between strangers or acquaintances
Explain the era of "permanent availability."
people remain on the marriage market--continuing to size up the people they meet as potential future mates--even after they're married
How can giving be greedy?
providing good outcomes to one's partner, even when it involves effort and sacrifice, can ultimately be self-serving if it causes a desirable relationship to continue and to keep getting the partner's rewards
What is over benefited and under benefited?
receiving better outcomes than he deserves or receiving less than he should
How have sociocultural influences caused our expectations to increase?
sociocultural influences--compared to our grandparents, we now often want our romances to be magical rather than just pleasant; on average, American marriages are less happy than they were 30 years ago, and our higher CLs may be partly responsible
What is differential about spouses that stay happy?
spouses who stay happy tend to be low in neuroticism and high in self-esteem, and they start their marriages being happier together than most other couples are; happy couples keep their expectations in check so that their CLs don't get too high
What did Soons et al. find?
starting to date someone, choosing to cohabit, and getting married were all associated with noticeable increases in happiness BUT the participants' delight faded over the years, and 14 years later they were no happier than they had been before they met their lovers
What is something important to note referring to the roles of approach and avoidance?
the chronic strength of these motives differs from person to person; ex. someone who is extremely sensitive will have high avoidance motivation and notice every little thing
In terms of CL, what does how happy you are depend on?
the extent to which your outcomes SURPASS your expectations
What is something extremely important about the independent nature of motivations?
the independent operation of approach and avoidance motivations means that being happy may involve different strategies than those that are involved in not being unhappy
What is interesting in terms of the equity spin on social exchange?
the overall amount of reward that people receive is a better predictor of their satisfaction than is the level of equity they encounter
What happens in communal relationships?
the partners feel a special concern for the other's well-being, and they provide favors and support to one another without expecting repayment; both partners expect that the other will be attentive and responsive to one's needs when they arise
What are investments?
the things one would lose if the relationship were to end, can be tangible or psychological benefits like love; important influences on one's decision to stay or go
What causes people who have been unhappily married for some time to finally divorce?
their CLalts come to exceed their current outcomes (=their apparent costs of ending the marriage may decrease)
What do EQUITY theorists do with the framework of social exchange?
they extend the framework of social exchange to assert that people are most satisfied in relationships in which there is proportional justice, which means that each partner gains benefits from the relationship that are proportional to his or her contributions to it your outcomes/your contributions=your partner's outcomes/your partner's contributions
What is avoidance motivation?
we also seek to elude or escape punishment and pain, so we strive to avoid undesired experiences and to reduce negative feelings such as anxiety and fear
What is approach motivation?
we pursue pleasure and our motivation for doing something is to feel good, and when we draw near to--or approach--desired experiences, we feel positive emotions such as enthusiasm and excitement
What do interdependency theories (IT) assume?
we're all like shoppers in an interpersonal marketplace: we're all seeking the most fulfilling relationships that are available to us
What is one of the major insights of IT?
whether your outcomes are positive or negative isn't nearly as important as how they compare to two criteria with which we evaluate the outcomes we receive (expectations and perceptions)
Are spouses with reservations about getting married more likely to divorce?
wives with reservations about marrying are about 2.5 times more likely to divorce later while men are 1.5 times more likely to divorce as a result
How have cultural changes increased our CLalts?
women's increased participation in the workforce has provided them both interesting coworkers and financial resources that make it easier for them to leave unhappy relationships
What happens to your CL once you get used to being treated so good consistently?
you've come to expect such great treatment, which means your CL has risen; once your CL goes up, if your outcomes remain the same, satisfaction wanes; we take things for granted