Conflict Resolution

What is a conflict?

A conflict is a disagreement or struggle between two or more people. It happens when one or more people try to prevent or interfere in some way with the actions of others. Conflict is part of any close relationship. In fact, the closer your relationship is, such as in your family, the more heated your conflicts can be. Conflicts also happen between friends, at school, and in the workplace. Conflict is not pleasant, but it does not have to be painful. It can be handled so that it strengthens a relationship. You can learn to prevent or avoid conflict. In some settings, conflict seems impossible to avoid. When it does occur, it can be handled so there is a possible outcome. Conflict can be constructive. People who work together to solve a problem reach a better understanding of each other and are apt to be happier with the outcome. Conflict can also be negative. In destructive conflict, people attack each other rather than the problem. They try to hurt each other. Destructive conflict is not healthy for a relationship. The sources of specific conflicts vary. In general there tends to be three common causes of conflict: Situational conflict Personality differences Power struggles

Define the Problem

Constructive conflict resolution begins when parties agree on what they are arguing about. This step may seem unnecessary. It can, however be the hardest step. People may not be able to put their feelings into words. They often assume, or guess, that they know what others are thinking. Putting thoughts into words sets the tone for a calm, orderly discussion. During discussion, all points of disagreement should be exchanged. You may want to have a game plan. This could be a strategy to help the other person understand your position. To resolve the conflict, you also need to say things that acknowledge the other's point of view. This should be done in a respectful way, even if what they say is hard for you to understand.

Emotional Control

Feeling annoyed is natural when someone gets between you and what you want. As conflict builds, annoyance can turn into hot emotions, such as anger and frustration, or disappointment. When this happens you may not be able to see the other person's position. Keeping emotions cool helps you stay calm. That lets you use reason and empathy. These are needed for working out problems between people. If the discussion gets heated, it is wise to call a time out. This is a short cooling-off period. Later, you can return and refocus on the problem.

Listen

It is important to have good listening skills in order to resolve a conflict. This is also a time, however, when listening can be the most difficult. Have you ever been so upset that what someone said did not register in your mind? If you ever receive a negative message, you tend to get more upset and more negative. Listening effectively to an opposing view depends on several key skills. Empathy During a disagreement, try to listen with empathy. If you appreciate the other person's position, you may solve the problem faster. Do not only think about your position and your hurt feelings. This makes it harder to work toward a solution. Feedback A misunderstanding can get in the way of good communication. Give and accept feedback to help prevent misunderstandings. Ask questions and restate the other person's message to show that you are trying to understand. Others will appreciate your efforts. Clarification Mixed messages show the sender's mixed emotions and can be confusing to the receiver. Clarification means to make clear. When you clarify, you find out what the message really is. Watch what you say and do to avoid sending mixed messages. State your feelings honestly. Make sure that your body language matches your words.

Use Teamwork

Many people, unfortunately, feel they need to compete during a conflict because they want to win. A competition is a contest between rivals. People may feel they can win the argument only if the other side loses. The spirit of negotiation and compromise cannot survive with this us-versus-them thinking. People who are successful in conflict resolution, realize that no side wins unless all sides win. They see that everyone is on the same team. The opponent is not the other party involved. It is the problem or conflict between the two parties. If people can work together as a team, they may find a solution that everyone can live with.

Respect Others

Most people agree that everyone deserves respect. Others should be shown appreciation or esteem. In a heated debate, however, respect may be forgotten. It often becomes easy to belittle other people. You may say things that show disrespect for opinions that differ from yours. Emotions may cause you to lose self-control. Respect is easier if you understand. Try to see people and situations as they are. You may be able to defuse a conflict by showing understanding. Ask yourself what you respect and value in the other person. Sometimes your respect can help you overlook issues that are not worth arguing about.

Talk

Negotiation and compromise are not possible if parties do not talk to each other. They must keep communication going. Avoid giving the other person the silent treatment. It sends negative nonverbal messages and builds barriers. If no one is talking, no solution can be reached. How both parties talk directly affects whether or not a conflict can be reached. Avoid using you-messages. These messages cast blame. They often lead to the other person becoming defensive. In the end, they can destroy communication. I-Messages It is important to use I-messages when resolving conflict. I-messages state what you want but avoid blame. When both sides use I-messages, those in conflict are more apt to stick to the issues. When talking, be assertive. If you are more aggressive, you hurt your own cause. The best approach is to state your positive calmly and clearly.

Choose the Right Time

Not every time is a good time for tackling a conflict. Choosing a good time is important. The right time is: When all sides are in a proper frame of mind. They have set aside other concerns to focus on the conflict. For example, mealtime and bedtime may not be good choices. Self-control is often more difficult when you are hungry or tired. When all sides have enough time. If you rush through a discussion, you may miss facts that you need in order to reach a satisfying outcome. Set a time to meet about the problem, if necessary. When all sides are not distracted. Choose a time when the person you want to talk is not distracted. Distraction can include homework, chores, or the television.

Communication Skills

People who handle conflict well use good communication skills. You do not have to wait for a conflict to practice these skills. If you work on them every day, in fact, you may encounter fewer conflicts. Conflicts cannot be settled without communication skills.

Physical Reactions

Physical reactions are a poor means of solving problems. When children argue they may bully others, hit, kick, scream, and yell. People who never learn to control their physical impulses often react like children when conflict arises. Physical reactions often cause: Hurt feelings and, sometimes, people Damaged or destroyed relationships More violence A conflict to remain unresolved Try a constructive outlet, or one that leads to improvement, when energy and emotional tension increase. Try activities such as taking a walk or a run, lifting weights, vacuuming the house, or washing a car. Clear your mind and body of frustration and tension. This can help restore positive energy for finding a solution.

Power Struggles

Power is the ability to influence another person. Power struggles occur when issues are important to both sides. Using power is one way people get others to agree with their terms. A related issue is the desire or need for control. Control is the action of directing another person's behavior. When power is the cause of conflict, the desire for control may get in the way of a solution.

Show Self-Control

Resolving conflict is impossible without self-control. The more intense the conflict, the more self-control you need. Unfortunately, people tend to lose control when they need it most. Both emotions and physical reactions must be controlled. Focus calmly on the issue, not on the other person.

Set an Example

Some of the biggest trends in society start with a single, influential person. An actor might wear a certain type of sunglasses or utter a clever line in a movie. Millions of people may buy the same brand of sunglasses or repeat the actor's line. You can be a trendsetter, too. Every time you resolve a conflict, you set an example. You serve as a role model for others. Younger siblings can learn by watching your methods. You may work with your peers to spread the practice of nonviolent conflict resolution. Some conflicts can be prevented. Many conflicts can be resolved. If you practice your interpersonal skills, such as communication, self-control, teamwork, and being able to choose the right time, you can be successful when dealing with conflict. It is important to respect yourself and others during conflict. You can set an example for others of how to do this. Make a commitment to prevent conflict or to solve it constructively. This will improve the quality of life for you, your family, and friends.

Situational conflict

Sometimes a specific situation gives rise to conflict. Situational conflict can occur in all kinds of relationships. It can also happen in any part of daily life. These conflicts may be intense. Fortunately, they are often short-lived. Suppose three teens have to share a bathroom. As you may guess, this situation causes conflict. The teens cannot control the fact they must share a bathroom. They can, however, control how they handle the situation. They can work to settle their disputes so all three are happy with the solution.

Get Outside Help

Sometimes outside help is needed to resolve a conflict. A person who leads those in conflict to solutions is called a mediator. This person does not take sides in the dispute. Mediators can be informal, such as a friend. There are also formal, structured mediation programs. In these, the mediator follows a set procedure. This helps the parties understand each other. They can then negotiate, compromise, and solve their problem. Communities have resources to help people with conflict. Some schools have peer meditation programs to handle conflict between students. The courts may sponsor classes for those who have problems with physical abuse. There are safe homes where people who are abused can go. Many companies give help when employees have problems with conflict issues.

Avoid Conflict

A conflict that never develops is one that you never have to worry about it. How do you avoid conflict? Here are some techniques that may help you. Do not let others irritate you. Recognize when someone is only looking for a reaction from you. Make sure that the issue is worth quarreling over. Focus on the positive. When you focus on advantages, disadvantages can seem less bothersome. Change the subject. If you feel things get tense, lead the conversation in a different, less emotional direction. Take a personal stand against serious, and especially physical, conflict. Let others know that you are not going to resort to violence. Do not be intimidated or provoked into fighting. Show your strength by doing what you know is right, not what others may want. Walk away. You may realize that the conflict is not worth fighting about. You can be proud and show self confidence by calming walking away. These tips are not easy to follow. They require control of yourself and your emotions. Pride often gets in the way. In the long run, these techniques show your maturity. They will make your relationships with others more satisfying.

Personality Differences

Another way that the conflict may arise is from differences in personalities. As you know, each person has a distinct personality. Their different combination of values and traits can enrich life. They can also, however, create conflict. If two siblings share a room, for example, and one likes to read and the other enjoys listening to music, a conflict may occur. This conflict is due to a difference in personality. Conflicts caused by clashing personalities are often about small matters. One person's habits may get on another person's nerves. These small matters, however, may build into major battles.

Apply Interpersonal Skills

As you know from experience, resolving disputes does not come naturally. People do not always have the skills needed to resolve conflict. They may understand the actions involved but not how to carry out the actions. When dealing with a conflict, you want to have good communication skills, self-control, teamwork, and be able to pick a good time to talk.

Set Limits

To keep a discussion on track, parties need to set limits. They should agree on the points to be argued. Other issues and personal attacks are off limits. Bringing up old disagreements will not help solve today's problem. It will only turn the discussion destructive.

Resolve Conflicts

The family is usually the first setting where children face conflict. They see how conflict is handled between other family members. They also learn attitudes and behaviors about conflict. As they grow older, children's attitudes and behaviors are also influenced by: The media, particularly television Interactions with other children Other experiences at school People handle conflict in different ways. This often depends on their personality and attitude. Some seem to enjoy it. Others try to prevent or avoid it. Still others work to manage it so that outcomes are positive. The goal of conflict resolution is to solve problems without violence. People can do this if they learn how to correctly resolve conflicts. They can then solve their problems with nonviolent strategies at home, at work, at school, and in the community. You can learn to settle differences constructively. Success comes with understanding a basic tactic, or method, for dealing with conflicts. These tactics include: defining the problem setting limits negotiating getting outside help following up These are not always easy to do. The people in a conflict have to want to solve their problem in order to achieve a positive result.

Use Respectful Language

The language used in an argument reflects the degree of respect each person feels for the other. Profanity and name calling show little respect. Such words raise the emotional level of the quarrel as well. They also reduce the chance of reaching a positive outcome.

Follow Up

The last step in resolving a conflict is to follow up. During follow up, solutions are put into action. Perhaps more importantly, bad feelings are dealt with and managed. Proper follow up includes feedback that lets each party evaluate if the conflict was resolved.

Negotiate

To negotiate is to deal or bargain with another person. When you settle conflicts with family and your friends, you negotiate. During negotiation, people suggest possible solutions. They seek points of agreement. More suggestions can lead to more agreement. Gradually, the parties figure out a solution that is acceptable to all. Negotiation works when people are willing to compromise. Compromise means giving in on some points of disagreement and having your way on others. You give a little to get a little. The goal of negotiation and compromise is to achieve a 'win win' situation. This means that all parties feel as though they have received a fair deal. It satisfies their needs and concerns. Negotiation is not always successful. Each side may be unwilling to give up something the other side wants. In the family or between friends, this may mean more conflict. Feelings may be hurt and relationships damaged. Sometimes a solution fails because it does not really please everyone. One party may accept an agreement just to end the conflict or even try to make it work. Unless the terms satisfy everyone involved, however, the quarrel is apt to crop up again later.

Have a Respectful Attitude

Treating others decently also shows respect. Conflict between partners who know each other well can be especially hurtful. Each side knows the areas where the other is most vulnerable, or able to be wounded. Respectful people do not abuse their closeness. They do not take advantage of this knowledge.