Looking out looking in chapter 10

Whereas perception checking and "I" statements have three elements, a complete assertive message has five parts. What are they?

Behavior, interpretation, feeling, consequence, and intention.

The term communication climate refers to the __________ tone of a relationship.

Emotional (Additionally, a climate doesn't involve specific activities as much as the way people feel about each other as they carry out those activities. Think of the two interpersonal comm classes example on page 340 first Paragraph of Comm Climate)

The accepting of another's feelings, putting yourself in another's place.

Empathy

a pattern through with people grow apart; they lessen their dependence on the other and care less and less about the relationship

De-escalatory Conflict Spirals

guarding against an attack against the presenting self

Defensiveness

Name the six Gibb categories of supportive behaviors

Description, Problem orientation, Spontaneity, Empathy, Equality, Provisionalism

Messages that float somewhere between confirming and disconfirming messages; they say, "You're wrong" in one way or another. Some disagreeing messages can be quite hostile at first, but others aren't so disconfirming as they might first seem.

Disagreeing Messages

messages that convey devaluing; they say "You're not important", "I don't care about you", "You don't matter"

Disconfirming Messages

Whereas acknowledgement means that you are interested in another's ideas, _____________ means that you agree with them or otherwise find them important.

Endorsement

a way that disconfirming messages reinforce one another; one disconfirming messages leads to another; it grows and grows until it reaches an all-out war

Escalatory conflict spiral

Name the six Gibb categories of defensive behaviors, and their corresponding supportive behaviors

Evaluation and Description, Control and Problem Orientation, Strategy and Spontaneity, Neutrality and Empathy, Superiority and Equality, and Certainty and Provisionalism

A behavior that is likely to arouse defensiveness and essentially conveys the message of "I'm better than you"

Superiority (A body of research confirms that patronizing messages irritate recipients ranging from young students to senior citizens, at least in Western cultures.)

In regards to the assertive message format, it's often wise to combine two elements into a single phrase. True or false?

True

Communication researchers have identified seven types of disconfirming messages. What are they?

Impervious Responses, Interrupting, Irrelevant Responses, Tangential Responses, Impersonal Responses, Ambiguous Responses, Incongruous Responses

Give two examples of evaluative behavior vs descriptive behavior

1) Evaluative: "*You* don't know what you're talking about!" vs Descriptive: "*I* don't understand how you came up with that idea." 2) Evaluative: "Those jokes are disgusting!" vs Descriptive: "When you tell those off-color jokes, *I* get really embarrassed."

Consequence statements are valuable for two reasons. What are they?

1.) They help you understand more clearly why you are bothered or pleased by another's behavior. 2.) Telling others about the consequences of their actions can clarify for them the results of their behavior. (As with interpretations, we often think that others should be aware of consequences without being told, but the fact is that they often aren't. By explicitly stating consequences, you can be sure that you or your message leaves nothing to the listener's imagination)

According to the author of this shit book, there are three types of consequences (in terms of the assertive message format). What are they?

1.) What happens to you, the speaker. 2.) What happens to the person you're addressing. 3.) What happens to others

____________ the ideas and feelings of others is a stronger form of confirmation. Listening is probably the strongest form of this confirming message.

Acknowledgement (Additionally, more active acknowledgement includes asking questions, paraphrasing, and reflecting.)

disagreeing message; The most destructive way to disagree with another person. Researcher's define this disagreeing type of message as the tendency to attack the self-concepts of other people in order to inflict psychological pain. Demeans the worth of others: Name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering. Essentially, "winning" disagreements at the other's expense. Win-lose tactic.

Aggressiveness

What are the three different types of disagreeing messages?

Aggressiveness, Complaining, Argumentativeness

What is one form of endorsement?

Agreeing

disconfirming message; messages that have more than one meaning, are very vague, ex. "Will you help me move my piano?" "Uh, probably." "On Saturday?" "Maybe. Bye!"

Ambiguous Response

disagreeing message; presenting and defending positions on issues while attacking others positions, the most positive of disagreeing messages; Rather than being a negative trait, argumentativeness is associated with several positive attributes, such as enhanced self-concept, communicative competence, and positive climate in the workplace.

Argumentativeness (The key for maintaining a positive climate while arguing a point is the *way* you present your ideas. It is crucial to attack *issues* not people! Additionally, a sound argument is better received when it's delivered in a supportive, affirming, respectful, and constructive manner.)

A method for speaking your mind in a clear, direct, yet nonthreatening assertive way that expresses your needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly without judging or dictating to others.

Assertive message format (Builds on the perception checking skill learned in Chap. 3 and the "I" language approach learned in Chap 5. Works for a variety of messages: your hopes, problems, complaints, and appreciations.)

Individuals who project the defense arousing behavior that Gibbs calls __________ are often positive they're right, who know that theirs is the only or proper way to do something, and insist that they have all the facts and need no additional information.

Certainty (Communicators who regard their own opinions with certainty while disregarding the ideas of others demonstrate a lack of regard and respect. It's likely that the receiver will take the certainty as a personal affront and react defensively.)

Provide one example of certainty vs provisionalism

Certainty: "That will *never* work. You don't know what you're talking about!"; Provisional: "I think you'll run into problems with that approach, I've never heard anything like it. Where did you hear it?"

disagreeing message; Occurs when communicators aren't prepared to argue, but still want to register dissatisfaction.

Complaining (Additionally, some ways of complaining are better than others. Satisfied couples tend to offer behavioral complaints ("You always throw socks on the floor" vs "You're a disgusting slob".) Personal complaints are more likely to result in an escalated conflict episode. Behavioral description > personal criticism)

__________ communication describes messages that convey valuing, and ___________ communication describes those that show a lack of regard.

Confirming, disconfirming. (In one form or another, confirming messages say "you exist", "you matter", "you're important". By contrast, disconfirming communication signals a lack of regard. They say: "I don't care about you", "I don't like you", "you're not important to me. Additionally, in essence, the climate (positive or negative) of a relationship is shaped by the degree to which the people believe themselves to be valued by one another)

A _________ statement explains what happens as a result of the situation you've described so far.

Consequence

__________ __________ occurs when a sender seems to be imposing a solution on the receiver with little regard for the receiver's needs or interests. People who act in this ___________ way create a _________ climate.

Controlling communication, controlling, defensive (The object of control can involve almost anything: where to eat dinner, what TV program to watch, whether to remain in a relationship, or how to spend a large sum of money. Whether it is done through words, gestures, tone of voice, or some other channel, the controller generates hostility wherever he or she goes. The unspoken message that such behavior communicates is "I know what's best for you, and if you do as I say, we'll get along"

Give one example of a controlling vs a problem-orientation message

Controlling: *You* need to stay off the phone for the next two hours." vs Problem orientation: "*I'm* expecting some important calls. Can *we* work out a way to keep the line open?"

"I feel like leaving" or "I feel you're wrong" are statements which expressing which of the following?: A) Feelings B) Interpretations C) Statements of Feelings D) Both B and C E) All of the above

D (It's important to recognize that some statements *seem* as if they're expressing feelings but are actually interpretations or statements of intention. Statements like "I feel like leaving" and/or "I feel you're wrong" obscure the true expression of feelings)

When a speaker fails to specify behavior after offering an interpretation, this generally confuses the receiver as they have no way of knowing what prompted the speaker's remarks. This failure to describe behavior also reduces any chance that the receiver will change the offensive behavior at all, which, afterall, is unknown to that person. If Gibb were to describe the above text as two corresponding defensive and supportive behaviors, which would he cite? Additionally, labeling an interpretation as such -rather than a matter of fact- is just as important as specifying behavior. What two corresponding behaviors would Gibb compare this fact to?

Evaluation and description, certainty and provisionalism,

Name the six Gibb categories of defensive behaviors

Evaluation, Control, Strategy, Neutrality, Superiority, and Certainty

Employees rate highly managers who solicit their opinions, but only when all of their opinions are accepted.

False (Even when the managers don't accept every opinion, they are still rated highly for soliciting them)

In order for endorsement to qualify as a legitimate confirming message, you need to completely believe in whatever message you're endorsing. True or false?

False (It isn't necessary to agree completely with another person in order to endorse his or her messag. You can probably find something in the message that you endorse. "I can see why you were so angry", you might reply to a friend, even if you don't approve of his outburst."

In regards to the assertive message format, when trying to deliver a message, it's recommended and important to try and get across all of your feelings as quickly as possible as well as all at once, or close to it, so as to not confuse the receiver. True or false?

False (Take your time delivering the message. Don't worry about getting it all in one go. It will often be necessary to repeat or restate one part before the other person understands what you're saying. Patience and persistence are vital.)

The elements of the assertive message format can only be delivered in order from one through five. True or false?

False (The elements may be delivered in mixed order. As the examples on the preceding pages show, (before pg 361) it's sometimes best to begin by stating your feelings. At other times you can start by sharing your intentions or interpretations or by describing consequences.

As long as the motives of strategic communication are honorable, the receiver will likely not feel offended and will be understanding. True or false?

False. (Even if the motives are honorable, the victim of such deception who discovers the attempt to deceive is likely to feel offended at being played for a naive sucker.)

Confirming and disconfirming messages can be described as straight forward, black and white, and generally not open to interpretation. True or false?

False. (Like beauty, the decision about whether a message is confirming or disconfirming is up to the beholder. For example, comments that the sender might have meant to be helpful ["I just wanted to tell you this for your own good ..."[ could easily be regarded as a disconfirming attack.)

The perfect timing and delivery of a descriptive message guarantees success in terms of lowering the receivers defensiveness. True or false?

False. (Some people will react defensively to anything you say or do. Nonetheless, it's easy to see that describing how the other person's behavior affects you is likely to produce better results than judgmentally attacking the other person.)

When attempting to approach an issue using the assertive message format, it's recommended to word the message you're trying to get across exactly like the receiver might word it. True or false?

False. (Word the message to suit your personal style. The words you choose should very much sound authentic in order to reinforce the genuineness of your statement.)

Unlike descriptive language, evaluative "you" language focuses on the *speaker's* thoughts and feelings instead of judging the other person. Evaluative messages are often expressed in "I" language, which tends to provoke more defensiveness than "you" language. True or false?

False. Firstly, *descriptive* language focuses on the speaker's thoughts and feelings rather than evaluative language. "I" language is also a characteristic of descriptive language rather than evaluative, and similarly, "I" language certainly provokes less defensiveness than "you" language. All in all, descriptive language paired with "I" language = good, evaluative language paired with "you" language = bad.

Gibb's emphasis on being direct would be better suited for a high context culture like Japan vs a low context culture like the US. True or false?

False. It would be better suited for a low context culture like the US.

Reporting behavior and sharing your interpretations are important, but _______ statements add a new dimension to the message, a dimension which expresses the sender's emotions.

Feeling

disconfirming message; have lots of chiches and never really respond to the speaker, ex. "Someone broke into my house last night." "Well, that life's. You live and you learn."

Impersonal Response

disconfirming message; doesn't acknowledge the other's message, essentially, it's ignoring the other person

Impervious response

Disconfirming message - Contains two messages that seem to deny or contradict each other. Often at least one of these messages is nonverbal. (Ex: A. Darling, I love you. B. I love you, too. (Said in a monotone voice while watching TV)

Incongruous Response

Gibb uses the term neutrality to describe a fourth behavior that arouses defensiveness. Probably a better descriptive word would be __________.

Indifference

An __________ statement is a description of where the speaker stands on an issue, what he or she wants, or how he or she plans to act in the future

Intention

An __________ statement describes the meaning you've attached to the other person's behavior. The important thing to realize about this behavior is that it is __________

Interpretation, subjective

disconfirming message; speaking over someone; occasional interruption is seen as fine, causes problems when it becomes routine as it can show a lack of concern about what the other person has to say.

Interrupting

disconfirming message; a comment that is completely unrelated to what the person just said, ex. "I had a terrible day" "Hey, we need to talk about the weekend"

Irrelevant Response

When you are stating consequences, it's important to simply describe what happens without ________.

Moralizing (For instance, it's one thing to say, "When you didn't call to say you'd be late, I stayed up worrying," and another to rant on, "How can I ever trust you?! You're going to drive me crazy!")

a __________ attitude is disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern and implies that the welfare of the other person isn't very important to you. This perceived indifference is likely to promote _________, because people do not like to think of themselves as worthless, and they'll protect a self-concept that regards them as worthwhile.

Neutral, defensiveness

Give an example of a neutral vs empathic statement

Neutral: "That's what happens when *you* don't plan properly.", empathic: "Ouch--Looks like this didn't turn out the way you expected." (The negative effects of neutrality become apparent when you consider the hostility that most people have for the large, impersonal organizations with which they have to deal: "They think of me as a number instead of a person."; "I felt as if I were being handled by computers and not human beings." These two common statements reflect reactions to being handled in an indifferent way.)

A behavioral description should be ________, describing an event without interpreting it. Any statements made using this assertive message format should describe only facts.

Objective

Defensiveness is the process of protecting what?

Our presenting self

What is one strong form of endorsement?

Outright praise

In contrast to controlling communication, __________ __________ communicators focus on finding what?

Problem oriented; A solution that satisifes both their needs and those of the others involved. (The goal here isn't to win at the expense of your partner, but rather to work out some arrangement in which everybody feels like a winner.

In contrast to certainty is _____________, in which people may have strong opinions but are willing to acknowledge that they don't have a corner on the truth and will change their stance if another position seems more reasonable.

Provisionalism

Research shows that three increasingly positive types of messages have the best chance of being confirming. What are they?

Recognition, acknowledgement, and endorsement

Spontaneity *doesn't* mean blurting out what you're thinking as soon as an idea comes to you. Put simply, what *does* spontaneity involve?

Spontaneity simply means being honest with others rather than manipulating them.

_________ is the behavior that contrasts with strategy. Defensive or supportive behavior?

Spontaneity, supportive

Give one example of strategic vs spontaneous communication

Strategic: "What are you doing Friday after work?", spontaneous: "I have a piano I need to move Friday after work. Can you give me a hand?"

Gibbs uses the word ________ to characterize defense-arousing messages in which speakers hide their ulterior motives. The words _________ and _________ characterize the essence of this word. Defensive of supportive behavior?

Strategy, dishonesty and manipulation. Defensive behavior

Give an example of the difference between superiority (defensiveness) and equality (supportive) in terms of communication.

Superior: "No, that's not the right way to do it!", Equal: "If you want, I can show you a way that has worked for me."

disconfirming message; uses part of the other's message to change the topic, ex. "What color do you want to paint the walls?" "We shouldn't paint the room until we move the piano. Will you help me move it?"

Tangential Response

Being ignored can be more disconfirming than being dismissed or attacked. Additionally, in marriage, ignoring a partner (sometimes called "stonewalling") has been identified as a strong predictor of divorce. True or false?

True (Also, in the working world, research shows that employees sometimes nudge unwanted coworkers to quit their jobs by avoiding interaction with them, creating a chilling communication climate.)

Many problems occur when a sender fails to describe the behavior on which an interpretation is based. True or false?

True (For instance, imagine the difference between hearing a friend say: "You're cheap!" versus explaining "When you never offer to pay me back for the coffee and snacks I often buy you, I think you're cheap. Behavior *plus* interpretation rather than no behavioral description at all)

Communication climate is the best predictor of marital satisfaction. Satisfied couples communicate a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative messages, whereas the ratio for dissatisfied couples is one-to-one. True or false?

True (Positive, confirming messages are just as important in families and friendships, also!)

The most fundamental act of confirmation is to recognize the other person. True or false?

True (Recognition seems easy and obvious, and yet there are many times when we don't respond to others on this basic level. Failure to return an email or phone message are common examples. Of course, this lack of recognition may simply be an oversight, but if the other person perceives you as avoiding contact, the message has the effect of being disconfirming.)

Endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message. True or false?

True. (Because it communicates the highest form of valuing.)

According to Gibb, empathy helps rid communication of the quality of indifference.

True. (By simply letting a person know of your care and respect, you'll be acting in a supportive way that discourages feelings of indifference or worthlessness)

Children who lack confirmation suffer a broad range of emotional and behavioral problems, whereas those who feel confirmed have more open communication with their parents, higher self-esteem, and lower levels of stress. True or false?

True. (The communication climate that parents create for their children affects the way they interact. Additionally, the satisfaction that siblings feel with one another drops sharply as aggressive, disconfirming messages increase.)

Gibb found that facial and bodily expressions of concern are often more important to the receiver than the words used. True or false?

True. (The importance of nonverbal messages in communicating empathy are paramount to how successful your empathic statements will be)

Intention statements can communicate three kinds of messages. What are they?

Where you stand on an issue, requests of others, and descriptions of how you plan to act in the future.

What type of language is a form of evaluation? Which type of behavior does this type of language fall under? Defensive or Supportive? Which behavior does this language correspond with?

You language, defensive, evaluation