Psyc 375 exam #3

Results from the EYM project:

*Early Years of Marriage* Followed both white & black couples to study social conditions 16 years after the project began, 46% of the couples had already been divorced 36% of the white couples had divorced, and 55% of the black couples

However, frequent liars are not necessarily more successful liars:

*High social skills* make people more convincing, but a liar's performance also depends on the level of *motivation* with which he/she enacts the lie

Which hypothesis does the journal article support?

*Initial bias is true* in this study (actual & perceived at time 0 differed) Actual & predicted slope was the same; so no decay bias

Unilateral VS bilateral style of power:

*Bilateral*: reasoned or bargained with their partners to persuade them *Unilateral*: did what they wanted without involving their partners

Men dread sexual infidelity only as much as women do when...

*Cheating carries no risk of conceiving a child* (gay or lesbian affair) Men consider a lover's affair with another man to be worse than one with a woman (women think it would be equally awful)

Direct VS indirect style of power:

*Direct*: explicitly ask for what they want *Indirect*: do not explicitly ask for what they want

Why are betrayals hurtful?

*Drops in perceived RV* Casual acquaintances cannot betray us has hurtfully as trusted intimates can because we have a desired relationship with them It's especially painful if we believe our partners intended to hurt us (although this is not usually the case)

Post-divorce life satisfaction: women

*After divorce*, marital quality and life satisfaction negatively correlated (bad marriage & divorced = happy) *Non-divorced*, marital quality and life satisfaction positively correlated (good marriage & stayed together = happy)

It's not always easy to forgive someone, and it comes more readily to some than others:

*Anxiety about abandonment & avoidance of intimacy* both make people less forgiving Those who are *high in A* also forgive others relatively easily, in part because they are better than other people at separating blame from anger *Self-control* promotes forgiveness

Acceptance feelings when perceived inclusion:

*Being completely adored doesn't improve our self-esteem beyond the boost we get from being very well-liked* We appear to be very sensitive to small differences in regard from others that range from ambivalence at the low end to active inclusion at the high end

How to tell a successful lie:

*Lies are typically shorter & less detailed* than truths are, unless the lie is important & the liar is highly motivated to get away with it However, when they deliver lies, *motivated liars do a poorer, more suspicious job* than those who have less to lose, are more spontaneous & relaxed Strong emotions are harder to conceal than mild emotions

Hurt feelings when perceived exclusion:

*Maximal exclusion doesn't feel much worse than simple ambivalence does* Once we find that others don't want us around, it hardly matters whether they dislike us a little or a lot Our momentary judgments of our self-worth bottom out when people reject us to any extent

Men & women do not differ in their tendencies, but they do differ in the targets of their most frequent betrayals:

*Men* are more likely to betray their romantic partners & business associates *Women* are more likely to betray their friends & family members

Lying in men VS women:

*Men* are more likely to misrepresent their ambition & income, and to claim they are committed to a relationship when they are not *Women* are more likely to promise but not provide sex, cry out in fake pleasure during sex, and to fake orgasms

Post-divorce life satisfaction: men

*No association* between marital quality and life satisfaction for both divorced and non-divorced Proposed that someone's well-being is made up of so many variables, life satisfaction is just one aspect of well-being So maybe other well-being qualities are being impacted instead (ex. health consequences)

Results from the PAIR project:

*Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships* After 13 years, 35% of couples had divorced and another 20% were unhappy Even the 45% that were happily married were less satisfied than they were when they first married

Attachment style & emotions during jealousy:

*Secure*: mostly anger *Avoidant*: mostly sadness *Anxious*: anger & sadness higher than fear

Derogation of tempting alternatives:

*When committed partners do notice attractive rivals, they judge them to be less desirable than others think them to be* Allows people to feel that other potential partners aren't as good as they one they already have It is actually strongest when the alternatives are most tempting (posing as a threat) In a study, when photos of the other sex were said to be from a city far away, they were rated as more attractive than if they were said to be on their campus Single men find women who are not on BC pills to be more attractive when the women are fertile; committed men find them less attractive during this time of month

Gender differences in intimate violence:

*Women are actually slightly more likely to engage in physical violence against their partners than men are* Men & women differ in their *severity* of violence Women are more likely to engage in individual aggression (ex. spreading gossip), but this isn't violence

Men & women in a study were shown a video of themselves & their partner at a party; the partner leaves to refill drinks & runs into their ex, who gives them a light kiss as a greeting:

*Women* said they would react to the rival's interference by seeking to improve the relationship; compete with the rival by making themselves more attractive to their partners *Men* said they would strive to protect their egos; planned to get drunk, confront the rival & pursue other women

Stresses & strains on Facebook:

*Women* tend to assume that a new status of "in a relationship" is more meaningful & exclusive than men do When feeling jealous, women spend more time snooping, particularly if high in anxiousness about abandonment *Men* either avoid looking, or they spend the same amount of time creeping even when they are not jealous

Social power:

The ability to influence the behaviour of others & to resist their influence on us

LDRs are prone to 3 things:

1. Cheating/poaching 2. Insecurity 3. High break-up rate

Cognitive maintenance mechanisms: (5)

1. Cognitive interdependence 2. Positive illusions 3. Perceived superiority 4. Inattention to alternatives 5. Derogation of tempting alternatives (*PIP CD*)

4 reasons black couples had higher rates of divorce:

1. Cohabitated for a long period of time 2. More likely to have had children before getting married 3. Lower incomes 4. More likely to come from broken homes

The cold shoulder: (3)

1. *Literally feels cold*; when people feel excluded, they think the room is cooler & that warm food/drink are more desirable than they do when they have not been rejected 2. Our adrenal glands dump cortisol in our blood (stress) 3. Time seems to pass more slowly

Order secure, anxious & avoidant attachment from most to least likely to get jealous:

1. Anxious 2. Avoidant 3. Secure

2 basic steps for contentment:

1. Appreciate your partner; tune in 2. Express gratitude

2 types of motives for sacrifices:

1. Approach motives 2. Avoidance motives

Spouses who share decision-making more... (3)

1. Are happier in their marriages (both of them) 2. Less contentious 3. Less likely to divorce

3 steps for engaging in consensual sex:

1. Ask 2. Listen 3. Respect

4 types of "secret tests":

1. Asking 3rd parties 2. Hinting 3. Endurance tests (separation) 4. Jealousy tests (describing alternatives)

5 general kinds of rivals that make you jealous:

1. Attractiveness 2. Social status 3. Social dominance 4. Physical dominance 5. Seductive behaviour (*P SASS*)

4 positive consequences of divorce:

1. Autonomy & personal growth 2. Economic problems, but improved career & social (women) 3. Greater self-confidence & control (women) 4. Greater interpersonal & self-disclosure (men)

Women were most troubled by 3 themes:

1. Autonomy (don't be too possessive) 2. Openness 3. Equity

3 ways to help victims:

1. Break the silence 2. Recognize early signs 3. Show victims a safe way out

3 types of models for self-control:

1. Complementarity 2. Similarity 3. Totality

PAIR project also found some truth to the _____ model

Enduring dynamics

3 main reasons to be voluntarily childfree:

1. Concerns about future (e.g., overpopulation) 2. Not wanting change in lifestyle 3. Afraid of stress it would cause on relationship (worried partner wouldn't be a good parent; or you)

No matter who we are, forgiveness comes more readily when 3 important ingredients exist:

1. Contrition (remorse) 2. Empathy 3. No brooding about their partners' transgressions

Low power people: (3)

1. Depression 2. Cautious 3. Timid

Styles of power: (2)

1. Direct or indirect 2. Unilateral or bilateral

6 types of distinctions in premarital breakups:

1. Direct/indirect 2. Other-oriented/self-oriented 3. Gradual/sudden onset 4. Individual/shared desire 5. Rapid/protracted nature of exist 6. Presence/absence of repair attempts

2 types of couples that get divorced:

1. Early exiters 2. Delayed-action divorcees

Why do people ostracize? (4)

1. Effective way to punish their partners 2. To avoid confrontation 3. To calm down following a conflict 4. Believe that this behaviour is beneficial in helping them achieve their goals

Besides behaviour focussed therapy, there are 2 other types of marital therapy:

1. Emotionally focused 2. Insight-oriented

3 things taught in IBCT:

1. Empathetic joining 2. Unified detachment 3. Tolerance building

3 possibilities for PAIR findings:

1. Enduring dynamics model 2. Emergent distress model 3. Disillusionment model

2 types of *control* of power:

1. Fate 2. Behaviour

Heterosexual women experience less power in romantic relationships: (4)

1. Fewer alternatives 2. Greater investment 3. More economic dependency 4. More emotional dependency

4 types of post-marital relationships:

1. Fiery foes 2. Angry associates 3. Cooperative colleagues 4. Perfect pals

From friends to romantic partners: 4 differences in trajectories

1. History 2. Trust 3. Greater opportunities to test interest (mutual friends) 4. Consideration of the effect on the existing relationship and shared social network

Most therapists who use insight-oriented therapy stress 3 fundamental propositions:

1. In the ways they choose a mate & behave toward their partners, people are frequently influenced by hidden tensions & unresolved needs of which they are unaware 2. Many of these unconscious conflicts stem from events that took place either in one's family or in prior romantic relationships 3. The major therapeutic goal is for the clients to gain insight into their unconscious conflicts so that they have the freedom to choose to feel & act differently

Choose a partner with good relationship skills: (6)

1. Psychologically androgynous people 2. Self-control 3. High self-esteem 4. Low N 5. High A 6. Shared goals and leisure preferences (similarity)

2 types of jealousy:

1. Reactive 2. Suspicious

Participation in divorce support groups does 2 things:

1. Increases forgiveness 2. Improves health outcomes

Why is affective forecasting so bad? 2 hypotheses:

1. Initial intensity bias 2. Decay bias

I^3 model organizes 3 influences of SCV:

1. Instigating triggers 2. *Impelling influences* 3. Inhibiting influences

Hold cautious expectations for your relationship... why? (5)

1. Lack of effort over time 2. Interdependence is a magnifying glass 3. Access to relationship weaponry 4. Unwelcome surprises (parenthood) 5. Unrealistic expectations damage your satisfaction directly

2 models of divorce:

1. Levinger's *barrier model* 2. Karney & Bradbury's *vulnerability-stress-adaptation model*

3 types of "contracts" for TBCT:

1. Love days 2. Quid pro quo 3. Good faith

4 personality predictors of infidelity in newlyweds:

1. Low C 2. Narcissism 3. Impulsive/poor self-control 4. Low reliability

3 factors that are predictors of divorce:

1. Low education 2. Parental divorce 3. Religious beliefs

Satisfied couples: (5)

1. Low in N 2. High in self-esteem 3. Discuss touchy issues with humour and affection, not anger 4. Few life stressors 5. Avoid rising CLs

2 ways to exert power according to interdependence theory:

1. Maintaining one's own alternatives 2. Limiting partner's alternatives

Over time, we're likely to encounter various degrees of acceptance & rejection in our dealings with others (continuum). Results in 5 types of inclusion or exclusion:

1. Maximal inclusion 2. Active inclusion 3. Ambivalent 4. Passive exclusion 5. Active exclusion

Most heterosexual relationships still have one partner with more power than the other (usually the man). 4 reasons for this:

1. Men & women face a disparity of relative resources 2. Social norms support & maintain male dominance 3. We're not actually sure what "equality" looks like 4. Men also have a lot of coercive power due to their typically larger size & greater strength

2 types of commitment:

1. Moral 2. Enthusiastic

6 behaviours that may indicate lying:

1. More blinking 2. Hesitation 3. Make errors when speaking 4. Higher pitched voices 5. Dilated pupils 6. Distancing self

If mate value discrepancy, the one with the lower value... (3)

1. More likely to forgive 2. More likely to experience jealousy 3. More likely to forgive even when jealous

Any hints about what kind of people tend to get divorced? (4)

1. N predicts divorce 2. E predicts divorce 3. Lack of impulse predicts divorce 4. Women's personality predicts more than men

4 types of deception:

1. Outright lying (fabrication) 2. Concealing (omission) 3. Diverting attention 4. Half-truths

4 influences that determine COD well-being:

1. Parental loss view 2. Stress model 3. Economic hardship 4. Parental conflict

2 types of sacrifices:

1. Passive 2. Active

5 general stages occur in a divorce:

1. Personal phase 2. Dyadic phase 3. Social phase 4. Grave-dressing phase 5. Resurrection phase

EFT has 3 stages:

1. Problematic patterns of communication are identified, and the couple is encouraged to think of themselves as collaborators united in a fight against a common foe; explore unmet needs for acceptance & security 2. Partners begin to establish constructive new patterns of interaction that acknowledge the other's needs & that provide reassurance and comfort 3. Partners rehearse & reinforce their responsiveness to each other, relying on newfound security to seek new solutions to old problems

Clinical approaches try to: (4)

1. Reduce irrational, catastrophic thinking that exaggerates either the threat of the relationship or the harm that its loss would entail 2. Enhance the self-esteem of the jealous partner 3. Improve communication skills so that both partners can clarify their expectations & agree on limits that prevents jealous misunderstandings 4. Increase satisfaction & fairness in the relationship

There are 6 types of power based on rewards:

1. Reward power 2. Coercive power 3. Legitimate power 4. Referent power (respect and/or love) 5. Expert power 6. Informational power

When people succeed in reducing unwanted jealousy, people tend to use 2 techniques that help them to maintain a sense of independence & self-worth:

1. Self-reliance (staying cool & don't dwell) 2. Self-bolstering

5 types of emotional abuse:

1. Sexual coercion and manipulation 2. Emotional punishment 3. Crossing boundaries 4. Fear, obligation, guilt 5. "Gaslighting"

4 contextual predictors of infidelity in newlyweds:

1. Sexual dissatisfaction 2. Jealous partner 3. Moody partner 4. Opportunity

5 main reasons people give for cheating:

1. Sexuality 2. Emotional satisfaction 3. Social context 4. Attitudes/norms 5. Revenge/hostility (*RASSE*)

3 types of couple violence:

1. Situational 2. Intimate terrorism 3. *Violent resistance*

Power is based on 2 theories:

1. The Law of Personal Exploitation 2. The principle of lesser interest

5 steps towards abuse:

1. The abuser dazzles their victim. 2. The abuser slowly starts to break down their victim's self-esteem. 3. They isolate their victims. 4. They increase the intensity and frequency of the abuse gradually (this whole time, they convince their victim that it's not abuse). 5. If it looks like the victim will tell others what happened, the abuser destroys the victim's credibility.

PREP: (5)

1. The power of commitment to change partners' outlooks & behaviour 2. The importance of having fun together 3. The value of open communication about sex 4. The consequences of inappropriate expectations 5. Speaker-listener technique

Out of these therapies, the one that will work best is likely the one that you are most interested in; 3 reasons for this:

1. These therapies all share common features, and that may be why they all work; all equip couples with more constructive & more satisfying ways of relating to each other 2. The therapist you select may be just as important 3. Optimism (by choosing the therapy that interests you most) can make real change possible

Attitudes towards lying: (3)

1. Those who think truthfulness is essential, they're more likely to accuse their partner or seek out info to confirm 2. If people think they can get away with it, they'll lie more 3. People who think lies are ok sometimes are more willing to cave if confronted

Why is ostracism damaging? (3)

1. Threatens our need to belong 2. Damages our feelings of self-worth 3. Reduces our perceived control over our interactions

3 types of behavioural marital therapies:

1. Traditional behavioural couple therapy (TBCT) 2. Cognitive-behavioural couple therapy (CBCT) 3. *Integrative behavioural* couple therapy (IBCT)

2 main reasons why people lie:

1. Want to look good/avoid looking bad 2. Want to protect feelings of person being lied to

Why has the divorce rate increased? (9)

1. We hold different, more demanding expectations for marriage than people used to 2. Several societal influences affect not only the expectations that we have, but also the situations we encounter once we are married 3. Women earn more money than they used to 4. Changing gender roles 5. Western culture is becoming more individualistic, with people less connected to others than they used to be 6. Our perceptions of divorce are less negative than they used to be 7. Most people cohabit before they marry, which has an increased risk of divorce 8. Children who experience divorce of their parents are more likely to be divorced themselves when they become adults 9. We're more likely to divorce when others in our social network do

Facebook: 4 triggers for jealousy

1. When a partner shows interest in another 2. When another shows interest in a partner 3. When a partner interacts with a past boyfriend or girlfriend 4. Ambiguous scenes involving a partner

Behavioural maintenance mechanisms: (6)

1. Willingness to sacrifice 2. Michelangelo phenomenon 3. Accommodation 4. Self-control 5. Play 6. Forgive (*WASP MF*)

Lying & online dating:

9/10 people lie Men tend to exaggerate height Women tend to claim they weigh less

Average length of a marriage is just over ____ years

18

Death of spouse:

20 years later, widows still hold imaginary conversations with their lost loved ones about once a month Occasional bouts of grief may occur a decade after the death of a spouse, especially in the partner is high in anxiety about abandonment or if the death was sudden

Levinger's barrier model:

3 factors influence the breakup of relationships: *attraction, alternatives & barriers* All related to the interdependence theory

Karney & Bradbury's vulnerability-stress-adaptation model:

3 influences in this model are *enduring vulnerabilities, adaptive processes & stressful events* Depending on their vulnerabilities, some couples can cope better than others Failure to cope can make stresses worse, leading to marital quality decline; further impairing a couple's coping Any frustrations or difficulties we experience individually at work/school can cause *stress spillover* Couples with good communication skills who have already encountered moderate stress are likely to be more resilient & to adjust better to new stressors

In a study of those married for 12 years, the dissatisfied spouses spent the last ____ years of their marriage thinking about separating

5

Remarrying:

68% of those who get divorced in their mid-20s remarry; those who do marry after about 4 years Remarrying is associated with a boost in well-being If they stay unmarried, divorced people are 55% more likely to die sometime during the next 40 years Regardless of if they remarry, those who divorce report that their divorce was a good thing, 6 years later

Forgiveness:

A decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you It is a process in which harmful conduct is acknowledged, and the harmed partner extends undeserved mercy to the one who has misbehaved When you forgive, you give up your grudge & discard the desire to retaliate You don't condone, or forget, but you do communicate your willingness to exist from a potential cycle of abuse & recrimination Doesn't necessarily mean you regain positive feelings toward the offender

Talk to your partner about kids before you get married. Why?

A mismatch in childbearing goals is a "deal-breaker" for some Many couples that have a mismatch in childbearing goals marry, and when they do, they suffer poor relationship quality Marriages end due to incompatibilities in childbearing goals

IBCT:

A more modern type of TBCT Seeks both to encourage more desirable behaviour & to teach the partners to tolerantly accept the incompatibilities that they cannot change Teaches the communication skills & behavioural modification techniques, but it also assumes that even when 2 partners behave well, some frustrating incompatibilities will always remain Teaches adaptive emotional reactions to the nuisances *Acceptance of a partner's imperfection(s)*

CBCT:

A more modern type of TBCT The therapy addresses spouses' selective attention & tries to instill more reasonable expectations, more forgiving attributions, and more adaptive relationship beliefs This therapy acknowledges that *people often import into their marriages problematic habits of thinking that they have learned in past relationships*

Jealousy:

A negative emotional experience that results from the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival Can involve a variety of feelings, but the 3 most common ones are hurt, anger & fear *Hurt* follows from the perception that our partners do not value us enough to honor their commitments to our relationships *Fear & anxiety* result from the dreadful prospect of abandonment & loss

Personal phase:

A partner grows dissatisfied

It's especially difficult to lose a partnership that's...

Been characterized by high degrees of mutuality & self-expansion Our self-concepts have to change when we lose a relationship that has been a rewarding, central part of our self-definition

In one study, interviewed 22 incarcerated men who had abused their female partners:

All of them felt that their behaviour had been a legitimate response to the disrespect they had faced All mentioned their partners' provocation as the genesis of their abuse All felt that men were supposed to be dominant & superior, and so were entitled to use violence to control Most of them believed that they were not "real" wife abusers because they did not enjoy hurting women & they had limited their level of abuse (doing less harm than they could have) Only 50% of them expressed regret about their actions

Karney & Bradbury's model: adaptive processes

All of these vulnerabilities influence the adaptive processes with which people respond to stress

Karney & Bradbury's model: stressful events

Almost every marriage must face occasional stressful events that require the partners to provide support to one another & to adjust to new circumstances The little ups & downs can be surprisingly stressful too

Social norms support & maintain male dominance:

Americans actually tend to think that *women have skills that should make them more effective leaders* (ex. compassion), *yet legitimate power still seems "unladylike"* If a woman does attain a position of leadership, she's likely to be evaluated more harshly than a man would Americans still prefer their surgeons, lawyers & airline pilots to be men; prefer their elementary school teachers to be women Furthermore, sexual behaviour scripts

Unified detachment:

An intellectual perspective that defuses emotion & helps the couple understand their problematic patterns of interaction with cool dispassion Describe events that trigger frustration, while avoiding negative emotions

Which of the 3 emotions to do with jealousy are approach motivations? Avoidance?

Anger is an *approach* Sadness & fear are *avoidance*

Relational devaluation:

Apparent decreases in others' regard for us These rejected people feel sad, angry, and most importantly, *hurt*; particular sensation that is uniquely associated with losses of relational value

In one study, researchers manipulated the evaluations that research participants received from new acquaintances:

As people talked about themselves to another person over an intercom system, they received intermittent approval ratings on a computer screen The ratings supposedly came from their partner, but they were actually controlle Some received only acceptance, some only rejection Some received evaluations that changed over time Those who received constant acceptance felt better than those who received constant rejection The *decreasing acceptance* (as the acquaintance got to know them better, the less the acquaintance liked them) *caused more negative reactions than the constant rejection* did

From friends to romantic partners:

Asking out a friend may be more ambiguous and person can "save face" by pretending that date request was innocent; just wanted to go out as friends People who are uncertain about relationship status avoid talking about the state of the relationship Those transitioning from friend to romantic partner (or if there is the potential for the friendship to become romantic) use more tests, because there's *more uncertainty* than just friends or romantic partners (esp separation & hinting)

What is a good predictor of people's perceptions of success at lying/reactions?

Attitudes towards lying

Levinger's barrier model: barriers

Barriers around the relationships make it hard to leave (legal, social, religious, moral, etc)

"Quid pro quo":

Behaviour change from 1 partner is directly linked to behaviour change by the other

Mate poaching:

Behaviour that is intended to lure someone away from an existing relationship

_____ are often the central complaint of spouses seeking therapy or a divorce

Betrayals

Those who were more powerful used unilateral/bilateral more often

Bilateral

FFs, AAs, CCs, and PPs:

Both FFs & AAs have animosity towards each other AAs have some capacity to work together in co-parenting their children, but FFs have little CCs aren't good friends, but they are civil & pleasant to each other PPs maintain a strong friendship with mutual respect In the USA, 38% are CCs and 12% are PPs 25% are AAs and 25% are FFs for a year after their divorce

Jealousy & in-laws:

Both mothers & fathers regard *sexual infidelity* to be more worrisome when it is committed by a *daughter-in-law*; *emotional* for a *son-in-law* (siblings feel the same way as parents)

In a study, had participants evaluate a painting with an art student that possibly had painted it:

But they didn't like it; were they honest? People typically admitted that the painting wasn't one of their favourites, but they were much less critical than they had been in prior written evaluations of the piece

There's no reliable relation between any particular pattern of non-verbal behaviour and lying: however...

Careful attention to what people are saying (not just how they're saying it) can alert us to inconsistencies in their statements A frame-by-frame analysis of television coverage of people who were emotionally pleading for the return of a missing relative was able to distinguish the liars (who, as it turned out, had actually murdered the missing person) from those who were genuinely upset (truth) These were highly motivated liars, but they could not entirely fake convincing sadness *There wasn't any particular thing that the liars were always doing that indicated that they weren't telling the truth; just simple discrepancies*

Instigating triggers:

Cause 1+ partner(s) to be frustrated Anything about the couple's interaction that causes frustration can set the model in motion (ex. jealousy) A potent instigator is verbal/physical abuse from one's partner People are especially likely to become antagonistic when their partners curse or hit them first

Parental loss view:

Children are presumed to benefit from having 2 parents, and children who lose a parent are less well-off If divorce does occur, children fare better when they spend time with both parents

Children who experience divorce of their parents are more likely to be divorced themselves when they become adults:

Children from divorced homes have less favourable views of marriage, and they report less trust in their partners when they begin their own relationships; have less faith that marriages will last As well, children learn how to behave in intimate relationships through their parents (partly)

The children of divorce (COD):

Children whose parents divorce exhibit lower levels of well-being both as adolescents & young adults Psychological adjustment is poorer Experience more depression & anxiety; less satisfaction with life Use more drugs, break more laws, make more unwanted babies & get poorer grades Their adult relationships are more fragile

PAIR & enduring dynamics:

Compared to couples who were still happy after several years, spouses who were unhappy had been less loving & affectionate (& more negative) at the beginning Any doubts people faced when engaged did not disappear once married

Staying content:

Contented partners try to foster positivity, encourage openness & relationship talk They provide assurances (announce love & commitment) They share a social network They share tasks (ex. housework) They spend time together, sharing joint activities The actions people take to stay happy in close relationships seem to involve the creation & preservation of rewarding intimacy with their partners These actions lead to greater fondness of each other & greater commitment; this is especially the case if both partners participate *The best predictors of how happy a marriage will be are positivity, assurances and sharing tasks* However, the beneficial effects of these maintenance mechanisms are short-lived

Ex-spouse attachment for women:

Continued bond with ex spouse significantly tied to post-divorce emotional adjustment The more people think about their ex-spouse in a positive light, the less happy *Residual attachment*

"Gaslighting":

Convince the victim that they shouldn't trust their perspective of reality & their memory Try to make partner doubt themselves

Why does moral predict LDR length?

Correlated with investment, as well as finding meaning in the relationship

Play:

Couples are usually content when they find ways to play; to engage in novel, challenging, exciting activities together

Most people cohabit before they marry, which has an increased risk of divorce:

Couples who start living together after they become engaged & who cohabit for a shorter period of time do not divorce as frequently Casual cohabitation leads to less respect for the institution of marriage, less favourable expectations about the outcomes of marriage, and increased willingness to divorce

The researchers actually found that many of the couples who were destined to divorce were more affectionate than most when their marriages began, and it took some time for the disappointment to develop:

Couples who were divorced within 6 years usually began their marriages with less love However, couples who divorced after 7+ years were especially affectionate when their marriages began; they ended no less sentimental toward each other than other couples, but they had the largest decline

No-fault divorce is an example of the ways in which the ____ may either support or undermine marital success

Cultural context

For Better or For Worse: what are some of the challenges that older couples face?

Decline in the ability to have sex & need to have sex General physical health declines; mental too (Alzheimer's) Personality changes with that; causes problems in the relationship "Ignore mirror, scale & calendar" Culture makes use think negatively about getting old; can't enjoy age as much Less time suffer, less time to make mistakes

Power: non-verbal sensitivity

Decoding others' meaning (women are better than men at this) When people differ in status, it is usually the job of the subordinate to keep track of what the boss is feeling Subordinates can increase their own (limited) power when they carefully monitor their supervisors' moods Women gain valuable information that can make them more pleasing partners & that can increase their influence over men

What are our emotional reactions to exclusion or inclusion?

Depend on how much we want to be accepted by particular others, and just what their acceptance or rejection of us means Being excluded because you're better than everyone else may not hurt much, but rejection that suggests that you're inept, insufficient, etc usually does Also, it's not much of a blow to be excluded from a party that you didn't want to attend in the 1st place

Insight-oriented therapy:

Derived from *psychodynamic theory* Freud assumed that people often carried unconscious injuries & scars from their past relationships that could, without their knowledge, complicate & contaminate their present partnerships IOCT emphasizes *individual vulnerabilitie*s; it strives to help people comprehend how their personal habits & assumptions they developed in other relationships may be creating difficulty with their present partners Assumes that the origins of marital dissatisfaction is due to difficulties in prior relationships A primary tool is *affective reconstruction*, the process through which a spouse reimagines & revisits past relationships in an effort to identify the themes & coping styles that characterized conflicts with past partners Therapist helps client understand the connections that may exist between the themes of the person's past relationships and his/her present problems The insight helps partners adopt more benign judgments of the other's behaviour; each spouse becomes more aware of his/her vulnerabilities Spouses slowly construct new, more rewarding patterns of interaction Appears to help most couples; leaves spouses better adjusted 4 years later than TBCT (in one study)

Emotionally focused couple therapy:

Derived from attachment theory EFT strives to improve relationships by *increasing the partners' attachment security* Seeks to re-establish desirable patterns of interaction between spouses, but its primary focus is on the emotions the partners experience as they seek to fulfill their attachment needs People are thought to need emotional security, & they seek it from spouses, but frustrations & distress can result when one spouse seeks acceptance ineffectively, & the other spouse responds in a negative manner A common pattern is where on partner wants more attention, but pursues it in a way that seems critical; the other spouse then responds by retreating to an even greater distance This therapy tries to replace these cycles with restructured interactions that allow the partners to feel safe, loved & securely connected to one another Couples are encouraged to consider how their individual needs contribute to their joint outcomes EFT is quite effective for those who are moderately distressed

Relational context:

Describes the intimate environment couples create through their own perceptions of, and interactions with, each other

The more satisfied people were in their relationships, more likely to use direct/indirect

Direct

Betrayals:

Disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted & from whom we reasonably did not expect such treachery Our partners occasionally do harmful things (or fail to do desirable things) that violate the expectations we hold for close confidants

Which model best predicted divorce in PAIR project?

Disillusionment model

Disparities in power are linked to ______

Dissatisfaction

Women earn more money than they used to:

Divorce rates are higher when women are financially independent The more money she makes, the more likely she is to someday be divorced *However, poverty has even more of an impact on marital quality* Couples with low incomes are 2x as likely to divorce as are couples with higher incomes

Why is perceiving RV imp?

Evolutionary perspective Carefully discerning degrees of acceptance that might allow access to resources & mates is more useful than monitoring the enmity of one's enemies

A study obtained daily reports of emotions of young adults after they had ended a romantic relationship:

Ex-lovers were angry & sad, and their feelings of courage & strength were eroded ("relief") 2 weeks later, their anger & sadness was reduced, but their relief was lower too After another 2 weeks, they were no longer sad & their relief had rebounded

Inhibiting influences:

Encourage the partners to refrain from acting on violent impulses Violence is less likely in cultures that promote gender equality (cultural influence) Conscientious people are less likely to aggress when angry (individual influence) One's capacity for self-control is quite important Couples with good problem-solving skills & who are satisfied with their relationship are less likely to lash out Sober people are more peaceful Commitment to one's partner makes violence less likely to occur (so spouses are generally less violent than cohabitating)

TBCT:

Encourages couples to be more pleasant & rewarding partners Focuses on the couple's present interactions & seeks to replace any negative & punishing behaviour with more gracious & generous actions Couples are taught communication skills that express affection & manage conflict

Levinger's barrier model: attraction

Enhanced by the rewards a relationship offers, and is diminished by its costs

Karney & Bradbury's model: enduring vulnerabilities

Enter the marriage with these Increase their risk of divorce (poor social skills, lack of education, etc) Inborn or past experiences

Unrequited love:

Expressions of disinterest are often indirect and passive Less routine contact, less flirting, more talk about other potential romantic partners when not interested in making the transition

Evolutionary view for marriage:

Female ancestors needed males; can't hold child in 1 and fight off others with another arm Males can't protect more than 1 female at a time

For Better or For Worse: how do the couples navigate conflict?

Fights happen because otherwise too many similarities would be dull Would fight over trivialized things Volatile fights; but we allow ourselves to be ourselves, which is why they never left each other Some of them aren't even resolved; but don't have to resolve nonsense arguments Had to deal with each other when they got heated because no one else will put up with it When he would get angry, she would just leave the house for 30-40 mins It's all about give & take Would just hold each other & apologize; understand each other & their moods Arguing as newlyweds was so confusing to them Thought that they never fought, but then realized from talking to others, that they did fight; realized that they just needed to confront each other & talk about it Same language & words but have many different meanings; sometimes takes a while to realize they're talking about 2 diff meanings Need to understand the intent; is there a good will intent? if yes, the relationship will last

Divorce rates in US: graph

First peak in 40s likely because soldiers returning from WWII 2nd peak (and constant rise into present) because of feminism & changes in laws

Sexual orientation, gender & style of power:

Gays & lesbians employed similar strategies Heterosexual men reported more direct & bilateral; women reported more indirect & unilateral (so men more powerful)

Forgiveness in a relationship:

Forgiveness is more likely to occur in close, committed relationships because empathy occurs more easily & because betrayers are more likely to apologize When people are forgiven, they are less likely to repeat the offense Forgiveness reduces conflict & encourages communication People who are able to forgive their intimate partners usually enjoy more personal well-being They also enjoy better physical health

Forgive:

Forgiveness quickens the healing of both the relationship & the partner who was wrong (less stress)

Forgiveness has its limits:

Forgiveness that is offered in the absence of genuine contrition may be perceived to be a license to offend again Forgiveness is advantageous when a partner misbehaves rarely & deserves to be forgiven If partner is unrepentant, it can erode your self-respect & delay resolution of any problems if you forgive In one study, higher marital satisfaction if partner's behaviour is rare & forgiveness is given; low if partner is often disrespectful & forgiveness is given

Interpersonal Betrayal Scale for university students:

Found that betrayal is more frequent among college students majoring in *social sciences, education, business & the humanities* than among those studying the physical sciences, engineering & other technical fields Off campus, betrayal is less frequent among those who are *older, better educated & religious*

Sources of power:

From an interdependency perspective, power is based on the control of valuable resources The person who has power does not have to possess the desired resources; it is enough that he/she controls access to them One derives power from controlling a resource only if other people want it, and the greater their need/desire, the greater one's power Availability of alternative sources of desired resources is another critical factor on power *Low CLalt = more dependence = less power*

Relational value:

Fueled by our need to belong, most of us care deeply about what our intimate partners think of us The degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable, important or close Painful when RV is lower than we would like

While mild rejection feels just as bad as extreme rejection does, what happens if there's a decrease in acceptance?

Have a greater impact than exclusion, particularly when they occur in that range between ambivalence & active inclusion (people who liked us once appear to like us less now)

Couples who do not identify & discuss the sources of their dissatisfaction...

Have less positive feelings toward each other & are less likely to stay in touch

Stress model:

Holds that the quality, not the quantity, of the parenting a child receives is key Any stressor (including divorce) that distracts one's parents can have detrimental effects Children of divorce usually start doing more poorly in school when their parents grow dissatisfied, long before they break up

For Better or For Worse: what are some of the concepts/research findings that we've covered to date that were illustrated in the film?

Humour is imp (esp when fighting) Passionate love fades; companionate lasts Commitment is a good predictor of relationship satisfaction Infidelity Having a good time together/play Conflict resolution; open communication (esp if open relationship) Older generations married more for non-love reasons Poaching (gay couple)

A useful model of SCV is called ____

I^3

Powerful people & mate value:

If randomly assigned to lead work groups in lab studies, they expect others will find them sexually interesting, and if they approve of casual sex, they both judge others as more sexually available & stage more flirtatious interactions More powerful professionals are more adulterous

What do partners do in response to ostracism?

If they think the relationship (& their relational value) can be repaired, people may work hard to regain their partners' regard, being compliant & doing what their tormentors want However, they may also start looking for new, less punishing partners More antagonistic reactions may occur when ostracism seem illegitimate & unjust; threatens people's feelings of control or self-worth

After 2 weeks, a study asked young adults what they expected to feel if their current romances ended, and then tracked the actual responses when they did end:

In advance, the participants correctly predicted the rate with which their distress would fade with time, but they *overestimated the initial pain they would feel* Our forecasts of our emotional responses to events are often in error

Study asked college students to write essays describing why they had ended a premarital romantic relationship:

In all cases, the respondents had initiated the breakup, and their narratives provided insights into the standards with which they judged their relationship

Principle of lesser interest:

In any partnership, the person who has less interest in continuing & maintaining the relationship has more power A common example in relationships is that men desire sex more often than women do; so women hold the power

The Law of Personal Exploitation:

In any relationship, the person who cares less has the power to exploit the person who cares more

We hold different, more demanding expectations for marriage than people used to:

In older generations, if you wanted to have children, pay the bills & live well, you had to get married; not so much the case anymore People are more likely than ever before to pursue marriage as a path to personal fulfillment A happy, warm, rewarding partnership may seem insufficient if it is measured against over-glorified & unrealistic expectations We have lofty, perhaps impossibly high standards The % of US spouses who report that their marriages are "very happy" is lower now than it was 25 years ago; and the # of conflicts reported is higher The average perceived quality of American marriages has declined since 1970

Study on playing:

In studies, couples are tied together on one side at the wrists & ankles and have to crawl through an obstacle course Prizes are won if they complete the course quickly enough Compared to couples that engaged in a more mundane activity, those that played felt that their relationships were of a higher quality

In one study, you find yourself sitting for 5 minutes with 2 other people who begin playfully tossing & bouncing a ball back & forth:

In the first minute, you receive the ball pretty often Over the next 4 minutes, nobody tosses you the ball; they completely ignore you *Online version* as well People are extremely hurt, even knowing that they will never meet this stranger in person Even after the people learn their exclusion is controlled by the computer & that no real interpersonal evaluation is involved, they still get their feelings hurt when the program fails to toss them the ball

Distal:

Includes background factors (culture, economics, etc)

Situational:

Includes immediate circumstances

Dispositional:

Includes personality traits & long-standing beliefs

Relational:

Includes the current state of the relationship

Those high in avoidance of intimacy are especially likely to employ ____ breakup strategies

Indirect (if they do use a straightforward method, it's more likely to be done from a distance, like text)

Deception:

Intentional behaviour that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue People may try to conceal information & not mention details, or they might divert attention from vital facts by changing the subject Others may mix truth & lie by using half-truths

What is a name for a 3rd party that is unwanted?

Interloper

With all 6 distinctions in mind, which breakup was the most common?

Involved gradual dissatisfaction that led one of the two partners to make repeated efforts to dissolve the relationship without ever announcing that intention & without engaging in any attempts to improve or repair the partnership Called *preserving indirectness* However, this only occurred 1/3 of the time

Rejecting VS being rejected:

It's harder to be rejected than to do the rejecting, and people who dwell on what they've lost are more likely to have a hard time Rumination prolongs distress, while reflection is associated with positive adjustment & recovery

Long-term relationship quality graph for all orientations & kids/no kids:

Lesbians have a fairly steady quality (few fluctuations), and only slightly declines over 10 years Gay men had the largest drop within the first few years, but then gradually increased over a 10 year period Heterosexual couples gradually had their quality decline, then level off with no kids (continued to decline if kids)

Powerful people & morals:

Judge others' moral transgressions more harshly than their own They're more strict in condemning others' cheating, while cheating more often themselves

Why is ostracism not effective?

Leaves its targets wondering why they are being ignored This results in possible damage to the relationship

Living apart together:

Living in separate residences while in a monogamous relationship (may or may not be married) More than half of population Balances intimacy & autonomy

Living with a new partner after divorce:

Living with new partner is good for mental health, even in high conflict Transfer your energy onto that new relationship; serves as a distraction Replaces the attachment bond That person provides support & direction; structure for self-concept Ongoing conflict with ex-spouse is damaging

Which creates more distress: loss of rival, or just sheer rejection?

Loss of rival

Detecting deception in partners:

Lying is usually apparent in changes in a person's ordinary demeanor, but to notice those changes, one may need some prior familiarity with the person When research participants get repeated opportunities to judge whether or not someone is lying (they are given continuing feedback about their accuracy), they do become better judges However, their improvement is limited to that particular person

Men were most troubled by the ____ theme

Magic (don't be ordinary)

Impelling influences:

Make it more likely that the partners will experience violent impulses Some of the influences that predispose one to violence are events from much earlier in life (ex. childhood abuse) People with sour dispositions who are prone to anger or who are high in N are also prone to IPV Men with traditional, sex-typed gender roles & those with attitudes that condone a little force now and then as normal are also more likely to be violent Partner's patterns of interaction are also influential (ex. poor communication skills or mismatched attachment styles) If a man is high in avoidance of intimacy & a woman is anxious about abandonment, this can cause trouble Recent stress at work/school, or an uncomfortable environment can also make one touchy

Ego-enhancing bias: ex-spouse

Maximize responsibility Maximize view as villain Minimize view as victim

Stalking:

May be bad, mad or sad May be motivated by desires for revenge, jealousy, control, etc 50% of stalkers are people who pursue an ex-partner Tend to be insecure, disagreeable, hostile men with low self-esteem who are very sensitive to rejection They may be lonely and possess poor social skills Some form of physical violence occurs in 33% of cases

Levinger's barrier model: alternatives

May be other people, or it may be just simply being single

Who's prone to jealousy?

Men & women do not differ in their jealous tendencies When people feel they need a particular partner because their alternatives are low (a *low CLalt* leading to a high dependence), any threat to their relationship is menacing Those with *high self-esteem* tend to be less prone to jealousy discrepancy in mate value *Preoccupied* greedily seek closeness with others, but they remain chronically worried that their partners don't love them enough in return; so they experience jealousy more often than any other attachment style (dismissing least) People who are *high in N* tend to worry about a lot of things (vs high in A)

Men & women face a disparity of relative resources:

Men get paid more than women for the work they do Men are also more likely to hold the reins of governmental, judicial & corporate power In 2/3 of marriages, husbands earn more than their wives (although this % used to be larger in the past) Money is a source of power that can be used more flexibly than most other resources; referred to as *universalistic* (can be exchanged with almost anyone) Resources, such as love, as *particularistic* (valuable in some situations, but not others)

Derogation of tempting alternatives & friends:

Men in relationships were asked to look at photos of attractive women State how attractive they found the women (high threat), then how attractive their friends would find her (low threat) Men were either high or low in commitment Those who were low in commitment rated the attractive woman much higher than those high in commitment

A study forced partners to pick if they preferred emotional cheating or sexual cheating:

Men said sex would upset them more; women said emotional detachment would upset them more Furthermore, men displayed more autonomic changes (indicative of emotional arousal) when they imagined a partner's sexual infidelity; women's arousal was for emotional infidelity

Reasons for jealousy differ in men & women:

Men should experience more jealousy than women do at the thought of *sexual infidelity*, whereas women should react more than men do to the threat of *emotional infidelity*

Ego-enhancing bias: selves

Minimize responsibility Minimize view as villain Maximize view as victim

Which commitment type predicts whether a relationship will survive long-distance?

Moral

Behaviour control:

More subtle kind of power Occurs when, by changing one's own behaviour, one encourages a partner to later his/her actions in a desirable direction Ex. A woman offers to provide a backrub if her partner cleans the garage

Influencing a partner to use a condom:

Most common strategy is a *direct* one Then often back up the request with *reward power, coercive power or informational power* Promised rewards include the increased respect & closeness that compliance will bring, threatened costs, and persuasive information (often describing risks) The partner who is less committed gets what he/she wants When people don't want to use a condom, they often don't mention their preference Instead, try to seduce their partners, getting them so turned on that sex proceeds without a pause for protection

What is a common type of betrayal?

Most of us are close to more than one person, and when people try to be loyal simultaneously to several different relationships, competing demands are inescapable Ex. Two of your close friends have weddings on the same day, in different cities; you are guaranteed to hurt one of them Perceived betrayals sometimes occur when people have the best intentions but simply cannot honor all of the overlapping & competing demands that intimacy & interdependency may make

Several societal influences affect not only the expectations that we have, but also the situations we encounter once we are married:

Most women work outside the home in America now Spouses report more conflict between work & family than they used to The more hours a wife works during the week, the lower the quality of her marriage tends to be The amount of time spent together tends to decline if the wife works Decreases in job satisfaction for both partners are associated with increases in marital discord Working also increases CLalts Divorce is more frequent when women work in occupations that surround them with men

Hurt feelings VS Real pain:

Much more in common with real pain (fMRI of ex-lovers had same activity as physical pain) Acetaminophen reduces the pain of social rejection Marijuana blunts social pain too

Attractiveness VS dominance in men & women:

No difference in dominance for women, but more jealous if rival is more attractive For *men*, not jealous if low attractiveness & low dominance; but jealous if *low attractiveness & high dominance* For men, if high attractiveness, dominance doesn't matter

After poaching:

People succumb to poaching when poachers appear to offer benefits that are better than those available from their present partners The partnerships that follow, however, do not seem to be as satisfying & committed as those in which poaching does not occur Poachers (& often people who get poached) are untrustworthy Having been unfaithful once, they tend to be unfaithful again

Suspicious jealousy:

Occurs when one's partner hasn't misbehaved & one's suspicious do not fit the facts at hand Results in snooping to seek confirmation of the suspicions *In most cases, it's unfounded*; results from situations that would not trouble a more secure & trusting partner The tendencies to feel this type of jealousy vary greatly, and in the *absence of any provocation*

Churning:

Occurs when partners break up but then reconcile & get back together Usually disadvantageous in relationships that continue, as it is associated with stress, uncertainty & lower satisfaction Breakups are sometimes just a transitional phase in an enduring relationship

Deceiver's distrust:

Occurs when people lie to others, and they often perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest & trustworthy as a result Seems to occur both because liars assume that other people are just like them (so they assume they share deceitful motives) and because they feel better about themselves when they believe their faults are shared by others

Reactive jealousy:

Occurs when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship It may not be a current event; may have occurred in the past, or anticipated event in the future *It always occurs in response to a realistic danger* Almost everyone experiences this when they realize their partners have been unfaithful

Cheating & therapy:

Of all the couples in therapy together, those that have dealt with infidelity are more distressed & depressed

Fate control:

One controls a partner's outcomes no matter what the partner does When she is his only option, a woman who refuses to have sex with her husband is exercising fate control

Counterpower:

One partner's power over the other may be matched by the other's counterpower over the one, so that both partners are able to get each other to do what they want some of the time In almost all relationships, both partners have power over each other

Imbalances in power can be problematic, but power itself is not inherently undesirable at all:

People who adopt *communal orientations* typically use their power for the benefits of their partners/relationships, not for selfish ends Moreover, people with *interdependent self-construals* are routinely generous when they resolve disputes with others of lower power

Maximal inclusion:

People seek our company & don't want to have a party unless we can come

Accommodation:

Partners also tend to swallow minor mistreatment from their partners without biting back The willingness to control the impulse to respond in kind to a partner's provocation & to instead respond constructively As long as partner's offenses are only occasional & temporary, provides an effective means of avoiding useless conflict

Positive illusions:

Partners are often well aware of the specific obnoxious things their partners do, but they misremember & explain them away (*global evaluations*) As long as they are not too unrealistic, these perceptions help protect people's happiness

Remaining friends after breaking-up:

Partners may remain friends (at least for a while), but in most cases their commitment to each other gradually fades away entirely This occurs because they may have awkward interactions, become jealous of the other's new love, or have their sexual advances rebuffed Gays & lesbians are more likely to remain connected to ex-lovers after a romance ends

Social phase:

Partners seek support from family & friends

Styles of power are a gender difference, not a sex one...

People *high* in instrumentality tend to use direct, bilateral style; *low* use indirect & unilateral

Adjustment in divorce:

People are better off when they exit a miserable marriage, especially if they are learning a hostile, abusive partner Both divorce & the death of a spouse led to big drops in people's life satisfaction People who were destined to divorce were less happy years earlier; they even entered their marriage being less content However, years later, they still weren't as happy as they had been before the decline & fall of their marriages

Lies can be consequential even when they go undetected:

People consider interactions in which they tell a lie for any reason to be less pleasant & less intimate than interactions in which they are totally honest Lying to a close partner can make them uncomfortable

Self-control:

People who are high in self-control make more sacrifices that benefit their partners Self-control makes forgiveness easier too; also to resistant temptation of attractive alternatives The more self-control they have, the less flirtatious with others they are The more self-control that both partners have (sum), the smoother & more satisfying that relationship will be No matter who we are though, self-control is reduced when we're stressed, fatigued, etc Feeling connected to family & friends bolsters self-control

Attachment & breaking up:

People who are insecure are likely to have trouble mentally letting go Remain preoccupied, so they remain sadder for longer Anxious people detach more easily from a failed relationship when they set their sights on someone new Secure people brood less, so they're less likely to stay angry; they're also more likely to accept the finality of the relationship, so they start healing sooner

When relational devaluation occurs, some people experience more hurt than others do:

People who have *high levels of anxiety about abandonment* experience more hurt People who are *high in avoidance of intimacy* experience less pain when others withdraw Those with *low self-esteem* get their feelings hurt more easily

People that find therapy less effective:

People who hold views such as "great relationships just happen" are less likely to seek therapy If they do, they tend to do so halfheartedly As a result, their situations are less likely to improve Most people that divorce do so without ever consulting a marital therapist, and those who do usually wait to seek help until their problems are severe Particularly true of *men* They are slower to recognize that problems exist, less likely to believe that therapy will help, and slower to seek therapy when it's warranted

Complementarity model:

People who score low paired with people who score high

Attachment style & jealousy responses:

People with *secure or preoccupied* attachment styles are more likely to express their concerns & to try to repair their relationships than those that are avoidant *Dismissing or fearful* people are more likely to avoid the issue or deny their distress by pretending nothing is wrong or by acting like they don't care

We hurt when our ______ for others is lower than we want it to be

Perceived relational value

Besides culture, there's also ____ contexts and ____ contexts that influence marriage & divorce

Personal Relational

Resurrection phase:

The ex-partners re-enter social life as singles, telling others they're smarter & wiser now

Cognitive interdependence:

Think of themselves not as separate individuals, but as a greater whole Perceive greater overlap between partners' lives & their own Use "we" and "us" more Change in self-definition

Self/ego-enhancing bias:

Think positively about oneself to protect from negative feelings or events

Perceived superiority:

Specific kind of positive illusion Committed partners think that their relationships are better than most, and the happier they are, the most this is emphasized Makes a relationship more likely to last

Forgiving ex-spouse:

Positively correlated with well being Negatively correlated with depression and anger

Power: non-verbal behaviour

Powerful people use larger interpersonal distances, display *more intense facial expressions*, and assume postures that are less symmetrical & take up more space Those who assume more space feel powerful too When T levels rise (either male or female), they take bolder risks in a gambling game Men take up these postures more often

Surveys of young adults have found that the end of a relationship routinely involves several common elements:

Process begins when 1 partner grows bored & begins noticing other people That partner grows distant & less involved emotionally There's an initial effort to restore the relationship, but the partners still spend less & less time together When a lack of interest resurfaces, thoughts of breaking up begin Discussion of the relationship ensues & the couple agrees to try again to work things out But they continue to notice other people & become withdrawn They see others, but that engenders a short-lived desire to reunite that is followed by more contemplation of calling it quits They prepare themselves psychologically & then break up

Men & women show different patterns of neural activity when they think about jealousy-evoking situations:

Regions of the brain controlling *sex & aggression* are more active in *men* when they think about *sexual infidelity* (no difference in women)

It's especially awful to experience drops in our perceived relational value, called ______

Relational devaluation

Grave-dressing phase:

Relationship ends Eventually mourning decreases & the partners begin to get over their loss Memories are revised & an acceptable narrative for the course of the relationship is created

8 themes appeared in narratives; known as ______

Relationship rules

Michelangelo phenomenon:

Relationships prosper when our partners behave toward us in ways that encourage us to gradually become the people that we want to be When our partners encourage us to be all that we can be, both our relationships & our personal well-being are enhanced Committed partners help each other become who they wish to be

Both men & women often seek a little revenge after feeling wronged, but this is usually a destructive motive & a bad idea:

Revenge stems from the different perspectives of the perpetrator & the victim, who rarely agree on the amount of retribution that's just What the victim sees as equal, the original perpetrator sees as excessive This may lead the original perpetrator to strike again, and the cycle continues We tend to excuse actions of our own that we judge to be blameworthy in others Furthermore, we expect revenge to be more satisfying than it turns out to be

People tell fewer lies in the relationships they find _____

Rewarding

Who gets us jealous?

Rivalry from a friend is more upsetting that is similar behaviour from a stranger It's especially painful when our partners start expressing renewed interest in their former lovers No matter who they are, romantic rivals who have *high mate values & who make us look bad* by comparison are worrisome threats to our relationship Men are more jealous of other men who are self-confident, dominant, assertive & rich than they are of those who are handsome Attractive rivals evoke more jealousy in both men & women However, our rivals are usually not as attractive to our partners as we think they are; so *our fears are usually overblown*

Those who are intimate terrorists:

Rooted in influences that are more enduring than those that trigger SV Some resort to violence because they are rather clumsy & pathetic Others are more malevolent (anti-social or narcissistic) Men who are terrorists do not become brutal overnight; they have often witnessed violence between parents & have been sexually abused themselves, growing up in homes that taught traditional gender roles, as well as hostile attitudes These men are more likely to think of women to be used for one's satisfaction & pleasure They engage in more surveillance May be generally aggressive (ex. hitting pets as well) Terrorists often feel intellectually inferior to their partners & have low self-esteem Violence is more common in homes with low annual incomes

_____ is an issue when studying gender differences in violence

Sampling

What is enthusiastic commitment correlated with?

Satisfaction

Inattention to alternatives:

Satisfied partners are less likely to be on the prowl, looking for other lovers In a lab, those that are less committed spend more time inspecting photos of attractive members of the opposite sex Young adults who are alert to their other options at the beginning of a college semester are less likely to still be with the same partner when the term is done *Best predictor of break-ups 2 months later* (better than satisfaction)

The totality model seems to also be true for _____, not just self-control

Self-esteem

Our perceptions of our own behaviour tend to be contaminated by _____

Self-serving biases

There is a ____ bias at play in divorce

Self/ego-enhancing

Gratitude:

Shows understanding & caring Remind us how great these people are for us Experiencing gratitude also gives an emotional response; fuel to solve a problem, or take advantage of a situation Gratitude motivates us to bind us more closely with our partner Feel valued Gratitude occurs when people are reminded why they fell in love in the first place; *buffers the decline in relationship satisfaction* People go up & down in satisfaction from one day to the next, even if those relationships that are amazing; not every day is amazing Gratitude acts as a "booster shot"; partner feels gratitude, and other partner independently feels more satisfied

Similarity model:

Smallest differences between partners

Responses to jealousy:

Sometimes jealous people lash out in ways that are harmful, retaliating against their partners with violent behaviour or verbal antagonism, or with efforts to make them jealous in return On other occasions, people respond in ways that may be intended to protect the relationship but that often undermine it further (ex. spying) Some people respond positively to jealousy by straightforwardly expressing their concerns & trying to work things out with their partners, or by making themselves/their relationships more desirable (ex. doing more housework)

Active inclusion:

Somewhat less accepting, but still positively inclined toward us They invite us to the party & are glad we can come

Enduring dynamics model:

Spouses who are destined to be discontent *begin their marriages* less in love & more at odds with each other Spouses bring to their marriages problems, incompatibilities & enduring vulnerabilities They may be aware of these things before they wed More negativity initially, and less responsiveness, predicted unhappiness

Early exiters:

Started out poorly and quickly grew more ambivalent and less affectionate Less in love & less affectionate Very long courtships before getting serious

A person selects strategies depending on his/her ______ for power

Status

Relationship maintenance mechanisms:

Strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships Influenced by the investment model

Prayer:

Studies found that those who begin praying for the success & well-being of their partners become more satisfied with the sacrifices they make; and more forgiving too Those who pray are generally more satisfied & committed Prayer that is focused on one's own needs doesn't have such effects

Disillusionment model:

Suggests that couples begin their marriages with rosy, romanticized views of their relationship that are unrealistically positive As time goes by & spouses stop working as hard, reality slowly erodes these pleasant fictions This may effect some couples more than others (since it occurs in nearly all relationships, at least a little bit)

Evolutionary perspective of jealousy: men

Suggests that jealousy evolved to motivate behaviour designed to protect our close relationships from the interference of others Those who satisfied their partners & successfully fought off rivals were more successful at reproduction Jealousy is now a natural, ingrained reaction that is hard to avoid Men face a problem of *paternity uncertainty* Because of this, evolution may have favoured men who were too suspicious of their partners' faithfulness over those who were not suspicious enough This reaction may not be as costly as men who are too trusting & end up raising a child that isn't even theirs

Emergent distress model:

Suggests that problematic behaviour that ultimately destroys a couple begins *after they marry* As time goes by, some couples fall into a rut of increasing conflict & negativity that didn't exist before they married

Totality model:

Sum of partners' scores

People tend to *not* be very skilled lie detectors. T/F

T

Appreciate & express gratitude:

Take notice of the thoughtful acts of affection & generosity Make a point of telling your partner what you enjoy Happy people are naturally adept at noticing their blessings; but anyone can learn Increases both mental & physical health When we express gratitude, we provide them powerfully rewarding acknowledgement & affection This reduces the costs of the favours they do us so that their small sacrifices are easier for them to bear; so they take more pleasure in continuing their efforts on our behalf

Mate poachers VS those that are poached:

Tend to be horny, extraverted people who are low in agreeableness & conscientiousness They approve of adulterous promiscuity They tend to be narcissistic & manipulative Likely to have avoidant attachment styles They are motivated by the challenge & the ego boosts they experience when they're successful The more attractive poachers are, the more successful they are People who are lured away tend to be sexually attractive, horny, extraverted people who are open to experience & who do not much value sexual fidelity

Those who seek revenge:

Tend to be pretty sour folks who are high in N, low in A and generally less happy with life They're greedy & manipulative too

Preventive maintenance:

The Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program (*PREP*) involves 12 hours of training spread across 5 sessions PREP & other programs seem to be beneficial, at least for a while (particularly for high-risk couples) Engaged & newlyweds are less than half as likely to separate over the next 3 years Long-term effects are still uncertain

Our perceptions of divorce are less negative than they used to be:

The advent of no-fault divorce laws in the USA during the 70s made a divorce much easier to obtain; they now merely face "irreconcilable differences" These laws helped make the procedure more socially acceptable We feel that a divorce is a more reasonable & desirable response to a bad marriage than our parents did More favourable attitudes toward divorce appear to reduce the quality of our marriages as time goes by; we may be less likely to work hard to rescue a faltering relationship

Divorce & social networks:

The amount of time divorced people spend with their friends increases in the first year People usually lose about half of the members of their social networks when marriages end, and in many cases, ex-spouses never make enough new friends to replace the ones they've lost

PAIR & disillusionment model:

The drop in marital satisfaction during the first years of marriage was sharper & more pronounced in some couples; these spouses were at a higher risk of divorce Their love faded, and more rapidly, than other couples They did not necessarily grow spiteful; just realized that things weren't as great as expected The researchers actually found that many of the couples who were destined to divorce were more affectionate than most when their marriages began, and it took some time for the disappointment to develop

Studied students at Southern Methodist, looked at commitment at beginning of year and infidelity during spring break:

The less committed they were, the more likely they were to cheat If low dependence, had low satisfaction

Women are ordinarily surprised when they encounter intimate aggression, and they often struggle to make sense of it:

They are influenced by romantic norms that encourage "forgive & forget" They consistently ask themselves why they went out with the wrong kind of man, why they made him angry, etc Women feel betrayed, but they sometimes also blame themselves; so they remain silent

Personal context:

The social networks of family, friends & neighbourhoods

Dyadic phase:

The unhappy partner reveals his/her discontent Long periods of negotiation or attempts at accommodation occur

Why has the emotion VS sex cheating study be critiqued?

The use of a "forced-choice" question can exaggerate a subtle & relatively minor difference between the sexes When they are allowed to simply indicate that they would find both types of infidelity equally upsetting, most people do Also, the 2 types of infidelity may mean different things to women than they do men Because men are more accepting of casual sex, women may routinely assume that a man's sexual infidelity is just that; casual His emotional infidelity may mean he's having sex with someone else & he's in love with her, which is a more serious threat On the other hand, men might assume that women often love without sex; but usually love those with whom they do have sex, so sexual infidelity might seem more traumatic Research shows that we do tend to think that a cheating spouse is more likely to be emotionally attached to the illicit lover *when the cheater is a woman, not a man*

Relationship rules:

They describe standards that are expected of us & our relationships, and our partners may leave us if we consistently break them

Ambivalent:

Their acceptance is more passive when they don't invite us to the party but admit us if we show up Neither accepting nor rejecting, when they genuinely don't care one way or the other whether we show up or not

"Love days":

Therapists may schedule "*love days*" in which 1 partner deliberately sets out to do favours & kindnesses that are requested by the other

Voluntarily childfree:

There's a stigma, but more people are choosing to remain childfree or delay parenthood until later ages

Who are the women that don't leave because they don't want to go?

These women are likely anxious about abandonment They are drawn to possessive, controlling men The more psychological abuse a woman has encountered in the past, the stronger her preference for abusive men These men prefer anxious women in return because they're willing to tolerate their abuse

Why don't they leave?

Think they'll be worse off if they do go They're often wrong in thinking so; people are usually happier when they get away from an abusive partner Costs of leaving may seem too high; maybe many investments Alternatives may be weak or non-existent Economic status plays a large role And finally, some partners may react with even more anger when their partners try to leave However, some women unfortunately don't leave because they don't want to go

Some people do lie more than others:

Those who are *gregarious & sociable*, and those who are more *concerned with the impressions they make on others*, tell more lies than do those who are less outgoing As well, those with *insecure* attachment tell more lies

Women are more likely than men to _____ to test/elicit attention

Try and get partner jealous (but this just drives them away)

Which model for self-control seems to be true?

Totality model

Situational couple violence:

Typically erupts from heated conflicts that get out of hand Both partners are angry Often tied to specific arguments, so it's only occasional & mild Unlikely to escalate to being more serious Often it is mutual Equal for men & women

Betrayers:

Unhappy & maladjusted Tend to be resentful, vengeful, suspicious people They're prone to jealousy & cynicisms, have a higher incidence of psychiatric problems, and are more likely to come from broken homes Do not trust others much

One study asked people to respond to scenarios in which they were either experts with more knowledge than their partners, or novices:

Used direct strategies when experts, but indirect if novices (no gender difference)

Powerful people:

Used to getting what they want, so they experience a lot of positive moods & feelings of well-being They tend to think that they can control events that are uncontrollable (ex. rolling dice) If there's one cookie left on a plate, they'll take it without asking if anyone else wants it; they are relatively unlikely to realize that someone else was hoping to share the cookie because they're not very good at comprehending others' POV If you ask powerful people to quickly draw an "E" on their foreheads, they are much more likely to draw the letter as if they were reading it (making it illegible for anyone else)

Daily lying:

Usual casual & spontaneous (white lies) Average 2/day Liars are confident that their lies are accepted majority of time The most common type of lie is one that benefits the liar

Contrition:

Victims are more likely to forgive when the offenders acknowledge their wrongs, accept responsibility for their actions, offer genuine atonement by expressing shame, regret & remorse, and promise better conduct in the future Forgiveness is less likely to occur when excuses are given or if an apology seems insincere

Stress spillover:

We bring surly moods home & interact with our innocent partners Stressful events influence adaptive processes, and vice versa Our ability to adapt influences the quality of our marriage Marital quality influences the partners' ability to adapt at the same time

Some lies are to promote polite, friendly conversation with others:

We often claim to agree with others when in fact we do not, and we often say we are more pleased with events than we really are Most lies in close relationships are like these Partners may communicate more affection to each other than they really feel, and claim that they find their partner more attractive than they really do Overall, *people tell fewer greedy lies (& fewer lies overall) to their lovers & friends than to strangers*

Narratives serve many functions:

We often paint ourselves in a favourable light to justify our behaviours; helps maintain self-esteem Helps us to find meaning in our lives (those who keep journals express coping better, enjoying better mental & physical health) The more detail & coherence we bring, the better our adjustment will be Facilitate personal well-being, empathy for others & a sense of growth

Western culture is becoming more individualistic:

We're less likely to live near our extended families & less likely to know our neighbours We participate in fewer clubs & social organizations, entertain at home less frequently, and move more often We rely on our spouses more, as a result; this may lead us to ask more of our spouses (increases the probability of our partner disappointing us somehow) It also means that we are less affected by community norms, which may discourage divorce People who move constantly are at a higher risk of divorce

Empathetic joining:

When spouses are taught to express their pain & vulnerabilities without blame or resentment that will make their partners defensive

After suspicions arise, men VS women:

When the possibility exists, *men are quicker to assume that sexual infidelity is occurring; women more likely to assume emotional* After suspicions arise, men are more likely to inquire about the sexual nature of the illicit relationship; women ask about emotional If their suspicions turn out to be unfounded, women were more relieved to hear that their partners did not love someone else; men more relieved to hear about no sex

High self-esteem people when excluded:

When they are ignored by others, these people are more likely to end their relationships to seek new partners who will treat them better; so they are *less likely to experience ostracism*

What were other factors in the study?

When in love, poor forecasting bias When *not in love, more accurate forecasting* (more likely to be the partner that broke things off) Participant that thinks he/she will not get another partner soon after break-up have more inaccurate forecasting

Passive exclusion:

When other ignore us & wish we were elsewhere

Active exclusion:

When others go out of their way to avoid us altogether Others order us to leave their parties when they find us there

Ostracism:

When people are given the "cold shoulder" and ignored by those around them When intentional, ostracizers deliberately refrain from responding to others

Mate-guarding:

When we work to regulate & control our partners' access to potential rivals, and vice versa Monopolization of a partner's time so that there's little opportunity to stray Vigilance & surveillance may occur

I^3 model:

When we're angry, most of us have experienced violent impulses, but most didn't act This model suggests that we refrained either because the impelling influences stimulating us to lash our were too weak, or because inhibiting forces dissuading us fro physical action were too strong Both of these influences can be *distal, dispositional, relational or situational* The I3 model that instigating triggers & impelling influences create urges to be aggressive; but that people will nevertheless not act out when INH influences are strong

25% of all lies are told to benefit others, protecting their feelings or advancing their interests:

When women interact with other women, such lies are as common as self-centered ones People are especially likely to misrepresent the truth when brutal honesty would hurt the feelings of someone who is highly invested in the issue at hand

Why do we expect revenge to be more satisfying than it turns out to be?

When you nurse a grudge, rehearsing an injury & plotting your revenge, you keep your wounds fresh & delay any healing Those who are given an opportunity for revenge stay distressed & surly longer than those who are wrong, but then just move on from it Also, revenge is only fulfilling when those who have wronged us understand why they're now being harmed & see the error of their ways

A practical guide to getting away with it:

When you're asked about a transgression you've committed, you shouldn't deny it outright Instead, make your response as truthful as possible, and don't contradict the truth A good strategy is to confess to a less serious offense; a partial confession often seems more trustworthy than a claim of complete innocence, and it avoids harsher consequences

Violent resistance:

Where a partner forcible fights back against intimate terrorism Occurs in some, but not all, cases of intimate terrorism Least common of the 3 types of intimate partner violence (IPV) More common in women

Intimate terrorism:

Where one partner uses violence as a tool to control & oppress the other General pattern of threats, isolation & economic subordination; physical force & coercion When present, occurs more often than SCV; escalates over time More likely to be one-sided, escalate over time, and to involve serious injury This type of violence is what leads most battered spouses to seek shelter elsewhere (mostly men are the aggressors here) Victim usually does not fight back

Tolerance building:

Where spouses are taught to become less sensitive & to react less intensely when problematic behaviour occurs Partners are encouraged to give up their efforts to change everything they dislike in each other

Parental conflict:

Whether or not a divorce occurs, conflict in the home is associated with more anxiety, poorer health & more problematic behaviour in children Even when babies are sleeping, the regions that regulate emotion & stress are active if there are angry voices around *Their well-being is much lower when divorce occurs in a low-conflict home* But if they live in constant conflict, children are worse off when their parents don't divorce

Coercive power:

While fear & punishment are aversive they breed discontent People who are coerced are actually less compromising than they would have been had gentler power been employed

Truth bias:

While intimate partners have knowledge of each other that should allow them to be sensitive judges, they also trust each other They assume that their partners are usually telling the truth *As relationships become more intimate & trust increases, the partners' accuracy in detecting deception actually declines*

Delayed-action divorcees:

Who started out wonderful but quickly dropped to normal levels and then continued to drop

Willingness to sacrifice:

Willing to make personal sacrifices in order to promote the well-being of their partners/relationships Contented partners frequently make small sacrifices (ex. seeing a movie you don't want to)

"Good faith":

With quid pro quo, this sort of contract fails to increase positive exchanges if either partner falters, so "*good faith*" contracts are parallel agreements Behaviour change is rewarded with special privileges

Spouses were interviewed together about their political opinions:

Wives agreed more with their husbands' answers (if the men answer the question first) This occurs even when the wives earn higher salaries & are more expert on these issues

In one study, recorded conversations of college students in public places & then compared the conversations of sex-same dyads to whose in which men & women conversed:

Women & men behaved similarly when they were talking to others of the same sex But men interrupted their female partners much more often than females interrupted them

Poaching tactics differ between men & women:

Women advertise their good looks & sexual availability Men publicize their power & their willingness to provide desirable resources Women flaunt their beauty, promise access to sex & complain about their current partners when wanting to be poached Men offer compliments & are overly generous

Changing gender roles:

Women are becoming more assertive & self-reliant, and partners in many marriages are dividing household chores equitably Less traditional gender roles make both partners happier, but household chores only make wives more content

For Better or For Worse: how do the couples navigate monogamy/ non-monogamy?

Women are monogamous; men aren't Wife should turn a blind eye Husband does what comes naturally Other couple was always monogamous; not even the temptation Other couple had a very open relationship; never wanted a divorce Wanted adventure & novelty One partner of the gay couple had a relationship with another man while his partner was away That relationship didn't last & he returned to his partner Said it made their relationship stronger

Men & women differ in their severity of violence:

Women are more likely to throw something, kick, bite, etc; men are more likely to choke, strangle or beat up their partners Men are more likely to do damage Men are also much more likely to rape/murder their partners

Those who were divorced were asked what caused their divorces via phone:

Women complained of infidelity, substance abuse, or abuse most often Men complained of poor communication most often; or said that they did not know what had gone wrong Ex-wives had more complaints than ex-husbands did, but very few accounts from either sex acknowledged possible cultural or personal contexts The higher a couple's income had been, the less often abuse was mentioned as a cause of divorce & the more often personality clashes were mentioned The more education they had, the more often they complained of incompatibility People who married younger were more likely to report that they had grown apart or that substance abuse had been a problem

Power: conversation

Women tend not to speak to men with the same implicit strength & power that they display toward other women Women allow themselves to be interrupted by men more often than they interrupt men in return People who get interrupted are judged to have lower status and to be less powerful than those who do the interrupting

We're not actually sure what "equality" looks like:

Women usually get their way when it comes to decision regarding household manners & the kids, and they get to pick the things the couple does on the weekend more often than men do Wives' duties are constant (cooking meals, cleaning the house, etc) while husbands' duties are intermittent (yard work) The average American woman does 18 hours of housework a week; the man does 10 When it comes to fundamental, central decision regarding the relationship (ex. are we ever going to get married?), men usually call the shots *Wives with higher incomes than husbands do a smaller proportion of household chores, but still do most of them* (rationalize this by saying that his job is more imp)

Evolutionary perspective of jealousy: women

Women were more successful in raising their children when they were sensitive to any signs that a man might withdraw the resources that were protecting & sheltering them & their children Sexual selection may have favoured those who were skeptical of men's declaration of true love Unfairly doubting a men's commitment may be obnoxious, but believing that a mate was devoted and committed when he was not may have been more costly still

Divorce & economics:

Women's finances usually deteriorate when they leave marriages Men's household incomes drop too, but they're more likely to live by themselves after they divorce (women are likely to have the children) So man's per capita income actually goes up 34% in the year after they divorce, whereas mother's income drops 36% *A women's standard of living decreases after she divorces; increases for men's*

When jealousy is justified & a rival is real, the experts suggest that you...

Work on reducing the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship & our sense of self-worth Finding that someone we love is attracted to a rival can be painful; but it doesn't mean that your partner is a horrible person, or that you are

Approach VS avoidance motives for sacrifice:

Yesterday's avoidance motives decreased today's relationship quality & increased conflict Approach motives increased trust & satisfaction

What does SEM predict?

You feel the worst when you are outperformed by a similar other in a domain that is relevant to your self-concept *Social comparison process*

Why is sampling an issue?

Young adults tend to detect more violence from women than men, but studies on distressed couples usually find that the husbands are more violent