Selman's Stages of Friendship

Stage 0: momentary playmates

a. Approx. ages 3-6 b. All about fun together c. Conveniently nearby, and who do the same things they like to do d. Very limited ability to see other perspectives e. Assume that other children think the same way they do - upset when they find out that a playmate has a different opinion. f. Like the idea of having friends, have preferences for some peers over others, but they're not so good at being reliable friends

Stage 1: One way Assistance

a. Approx. ages 5-9 b. Friendship goes beyond whatever their current activity is, but they still think in very pragmatic terms c. Don't think about what they themselves contribute to the friendship d. Define friends as children who do nice things for them (sharing a treat, saving them a seat on the us, or giving them nice presents) e. Care a lot about friendship f. May put up with not-so-nice friend, just so they can have a friend g. They also may try to use friendship as a bargaining chip, saying things like "I'll be your friend if you do this" or "I won't be your friend if you do that"

Stage 3: intimate, mutually shared relationships

a. Approx. ages 8-15 b. Help each other solve problems and confide thoughts and feelings that they don't share with anyone else c. Know how to compromise, and they do kind of things for each other without "keeping score", because they genuinely care about each other's happiness d. "joined at the hip" stage more for girls e. may be best friends and expect each other to do everything together f. feel deeply betrayed if a best friend chooses to be with another child

Stage 2: Two Way Fair Weather Cooperation

a. Approx. Ages 7-12 b. Able to consider a friend's perspective in addition to their own, but not at the same time c. Very concerned about fairness and reciprocity (if they do something nice for someone, expect that in return) d. Tend to be very judgmental of both themselves and others e. Evaluate themselves harshly, the way they think other people do (jealous, concerned with fitting in, now wanting a stupid haircut) f. Often invent "secret-clubs" (tend to be short lived but elaborate discussion on who is selected)

Stage 4: Mature friendship

a. Approx. age 12+ b. High value on emotional closeness with friends c. Accept and even appreciate differences between themselves and their friends d. Not as possessive e. Less likely to feel threatened if their friends have other relationships f. Mature friendship emphasizes trust and support and remaining close over time, despite separations.