C180 Exam 2
Guidelines for Emotional Support
1.) Focus on the other, not yourself: 2.) Talk about feelings instead of denying them or finding a quick fix 3.) Stay neutral and seek information ---> Ex. "What do you expect? You let her walk all over you!" vs. "I wonder why she did that?" 4.) Use empathy and questions instead of telling 5.) "Being there" ---> more important than finding the perfect words
situations where conversational narcissism might be appropriate
1.) One person has superior knowledge and the other person needs to learn from them 2.) One person is expressing him/herself and the other person wants to help or understand 3.) One person wants to control the conversation and the other is willing to go along 4.) There's some other norm that excuses focus on yourself (ex. interview)
Burelson's Theory of Comforting
>message should explicitly acknowledge, legitimate, and elaborate feelings
why is it important to study small talk?
small talk is a fundamental part of communication FREQUENCY: we do it all the time >with acquaintances, friends, close friends = 2/3 small talk >across all personal relationships, including romantic relationships, small talk makes up about 1/2 of all talk DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIPS: >audition for relationship--->evaluating how you feel about the person >networking >avoiding loneliness
Guidelines for Privacy Management
*1.) Recognize the openness-closedness dialectic* ---> people need disclosure, intimacy ---> people need privacy, secrecy, discretion --->satisfaction comes from managing competing desires (ex. breakfast club clip) *2.) Take into account implications for relationships and identity* --->relational considerations: ------> is the hearer trustworthy? Discreet? Nonjudgemental? How will it affect your relationship? ---> Identity implications ------> what kind of impression with this make? *3.) Consider the Situation* --->PHYSICAL SETTING ------> focus ------> privacy (can influence what physical setting you think is best) ------> time ---> CONVERSATIONAL CONTEXT -----> relevance ------> reciprocation ------> pre-sequence: "I don't normally tell people this but i felt that you needed to know because..." "I hope you don't mind me telling you this but i thought you might have good advice..." ---> RISKS AND BENEFITS ------> to self ------> to other ------> to relationship ------> to others outside the dyad 4.)
Why is it important to study giving criticism?
*> Giving criticism is hard to do well* *>Poorly given criticism hurts relationships* --->can create disappointment, anger, negative view of giver --->can violate expectations (relational violations) *>Poorly given criticism hurts organizations* ---> reduces commitment and motivation ---> affects negative attitudes toward supervisors ---> can result in complying now, getting even later *>Receiving criticism well is important* --->learning, maturity
5 different styles of conflict
1.) *Avoidance* ---> occurs when people avoid or stay away from conflict ---> reflects a pessimistic attitude about conflict ---> can be physical or conversational ---> LOSE-LOSE; "no way" 2.) *Accommodation* ---> occurs when we allow others to have their own way rather than asserting our own point of view ---> having low concern for themselves and high concern for others ---> LOSE-WIN; " we'll do it your way" 3.) *Competition* ---> a win-lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others ---> WIN-LOSE; "my way" 4.) *Compromise* ---> gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals ---> when partial satisfaction is the best you can hope for ---> NEGOTIATED LOSE-LOSE; "Half way" 5.) *Collaboration* ---> involves a high-degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way" but "our way" --->each person gets what he or she wants -- finds solutions that meets the needs of everyone involved ---> WIN-WIN; "our way"
"Good" and "Bad" Criticisms: 5 stylistic characteristics
1.) *negative language and harsh manner:* poorly given criticisms used this more often than well given criticisms (bad words, raised voice, volume, pitch) 2.) *specificity of change suggested:* well given criticism often goes on to provide details about how to improve; good criticisms are often specific, not all specific criticisms are good 3.) *whether assistance to make the change was provided:* well given criticism does this more often that poor given criticism 4.) *whether positive reasons for making the change were provided:* well given criticism does this more often 5.) *whether the specific negative criticism was framed in a larger positive message:* well given criticism does this more often
Guidelines for Conflict
1.) Clarify Goals ---> not always a solution but it does increase chances of.. ------> developing collaborative goals ------> reaching satisfactory solution 2.) Use constructive criticism skills > For Gottman: ---> complaint = well given criticism ---> criticism = poorly given criticism ---> contempt = verbal assaults on a person's character 3.) Use empathic, mindful listening skills --->clarifies goals ---> shows caring and respect --->avoids defensiveness 4.) Monitor your own nonverbal behavior > we don't always give much thought to how we respond non-verbally > especially important cues: ---> mouth movement, eye rolling, tone of voice 5.) Remember positive aspects of the relationship ---> negative is often easier ---> keeps disagreement in perspective 6.) Know when you need to calm down --->*Flooding:* sudden increase in physiological arousal; average time to recover is 20 minutes; HARD TO DO ANY OTHER GUIDELINES WHEN YOU ARE ENGAGING IN FLOODING ---> consider how to take a break ---> calm down, don't gear up 7.) Overlean skills/ guidelines that you think will help ---> pick one or two ---> practice for small, safe conflicts ---> use it over and over and over again * this is important because its easier to focus on one guideline at a time, if you overlearn it, it will become natural to you, easier to do it this way*
Defensive Behaviors
1.) Denying Responsibility ---> you repeatedly insist that you are not to blame 2.) Disagreeing with negative mind-reading ---> make assumptions about other's feelings, behaviors, or motives 3.) Cross-complaining ---> meet partner's complaints with one of your own ---> sometimes includes a backlog of grievances 4.) Rubber man/ Rubber woman ---> defend yourself and attack partner in a single move; turn the complaint back on the other person 5.) Yes-butting ---> a statement that starts off agreeing and ends up disagreeing without addressing the original issue 6.) Repeating yourself ---> continue to repeat the same basic idea rather than try to understand the other person 7.) Whining ---> refers to how you say it
Guidelines for Small Talk
1.) Increase topic intimacy gradually --->appropriateness vs efficiency trade off: in order to make small talk in a culturally appropriate way 2.) Give and use "free information" --->free information: extra information contained in response; assumes you want to keep the conversation going 3.) Share the floor ---> giving both people a chance to talk 4.) Use humor appropriately 5.) Show composure 6.) Show interest in the other person --->Use Non-Verbal Cues ---> Use open questions/statements: "Did you have a good weekend?"-closed question
Strategies to reduce uncertainty
1.) SEEKING INFORMATION: ---> passive strategies: involve observing the target from a distance; observe their interactions, gathering info ------> Pro: minimize face threats ------> Con: they may not produce the information the observer is most interested in ---> active strategies: when individuals take action to acquire information but do not actually interact with the person; such as using a third party ------> Pro: offer more control over information than passive strategies ------> Con: requires more effort and more risk ---> interactive strategies: entail communicating with the person ------>Pro: most direct method of reducing uncertainty ------> Con: they may produce anxiety, embarrassment, discomfort, and awkwardness PLANNING: >cope with uncertainty by planning before and during social interaction (Leslie Knop example) HEDGING (AGAINST NEGATIVE OUTCOMES): >hedge against the outcomes that could occur when producing messages under conditions of uncertainty; serve the common goal of circumventing embarrassment in ambiguous situations ---> off-record strategies
Guidelines for giving criticism
1.) Start positive --->must be genuine and relevant ---> Example: "I really appreciate the way you interact with customers, but it's important that you remember to clock out when you take breaks." 2.) Focus on behavior, not the person ---> be specific ---> "you're so irresponsible" vs. "if you say you'll be here at 6:00, please be here on time" 3.) Give reasons and benefits ---> Example: "It bothers me when you borrow my clothes without asking because sometimes I'm planning to wear something, and you have it. Just let me know ahead of time, and you can borrow whatever you want." 4.) Be specific, offer help if appropriate ---> Example: "You never do your share around here!" vs "We agreed you'd clean the bathroom and I'd do the living room. If we need more cleaning supplies, I can pick them up while I'm out today." 5.) Limit the number of criticisms ---> there is no magic number 6.) Give criticism promptly ---> Exceptions: if you are in public or in a group of people, if you'll lose control (if you are really emotional) 7.) Keep your nonverbal cues consistent with your verbal cues 8.) Make the conversation a dialogue
CRITICISM: Two relational expectation violations
1.) inappropriate for critic's role 2.) source credibility: did the critic have the appropriate credentials to offer the criticism? 3.) hand-me-down criticism (criticism you hear through the grape vine; sends a metamessage that you didn't care enough to tell them)
Benefits of well-given criticism
> resolve a problem > lessen an irritation > achieve a specific goal >strengthen a relationship >bring satisfaction that comes from helping someone else reach a goal or overcome a problem >makes both interactants feel that their relationship is stronger
why is it important to study conflict?
>*Importance in the Workplace* ---> source of lots of training and human resource management ---> affects personal advancement, company goals ---> 85% of workers report conflict >*Importance in personal relationships* ---> Marriage: predicts satisfaction, longevity ---> Parenting: affects children ---> Friendships: highly vulnerable >*Importance for Health* --->Highly conflictual relationships tied to poorer overall health
Why is it important to study comforting?
>*It is linked to mental and physical health* ---> Buffer effect: can protect you from the mental and physical effects of daily stresses if you have at least one person for emotional support ---> prevents dysfunctional behaviors >*It is linked to relationship satisfaction* ---> marriage (knowing your partner can provide emotional support), family(important source for comforting), friendships >*Most of us need improvement* >*Most of us rely too often on advice, diversion, or problem-solving and under utilize comforting*
factors influencing which conflict style to use
>*The Situation* > situational factors can influence your communication in a conflict ---> accommodation: when someone clearly has more power than you >* The Other Person* ---> sometimes the other person isn't interested in collaborating >*Your Goals*
conflict
>*expressed* struggle between at least two *interdependent* parties who *perceive* incompatible goals, scarce resources, or interference from the other party in achieving goals ---> whatever is going on is expressed in some way ---> the depend on each other ex. long-term relationships --->perception may or may not be accurate
How is disclosure related to intimacy and liking?
>It is a part of intimacy (closeness) ---> you cannot start to like someone, get to know them, and become intimate with them without disclosing information about yourself > Associated with liking --->people who engage in disclosure tend to be better liked than those who don't ---> people tend to disclose more to those they like ---> people like others as a result of having disclosed to them
Uncertainty Reduction Theory (URT)
>Seeks to explain how we communicate when we are unsure about our surroundings. >premises that people are motivated to reduce uncertainty about their social environment; individuals seek to predict and explain their surroundings
why is it challenging to do criticism well?
>an example of conflicting interpersonal goals ---satisfying multiple goals >be clear AND respect face >some of the strategies that make messages clear also make them rude > stating a problem clearly while remaining attentive to the relational implications >57% of college students reported problems giving or receiving criticism >79% said other students has problem handling criticism
Limitations to Burleson's theory
>doesn't account for blame > addresses a limited range of emotions >often presented as monologue rather than dialogue
openness-closedness dialect
>idea that we have competing needs and desires that exist simultaneously > sometimes we want to be open and some things we want to keep private
How are the guidelines for giving criticism related to positive and negative face?
>it lessens a person's autonomy and can be seen as disrespectful (negative face), you are imposing on what they want to do by trying to make them change > disrespects their "face" > since people want to be liked (positive face), might take criticism as an insult and might seen like the giver doesn't like them
criticism
>negative evaluation of a person for an act for which he or she is deemed responsible
Why do most people do something other than comforting in response to another person's emotional distress? (why do we underutilize comforting?)
>our own emotions >embarrassment >threatens sense of security *comforting can be the hardest skill to change*
self-disclosure
>personal information about yourself that the hearer wouldn't otherwise know ---> some information is guarded with thin privacy boundaries ---> some types of information are guarded by thicker boundaries >communicated voluntarily and intentionally
Characteristics of small talk
>safe topics: >variety of topics: we tend to talk about lots of different topics in not a whole lot of depth >question and answer form: >parallel topics: I ask you how many pets you have, you ask me how many pets I have >ritualized opening and closing: "hey how are you"
Why don't diversions, problem-solving work? (comforting)
>short term >indirect acknowledgement of feelings >not ready to problem solve
when to use the Accommodation conflict style
ACCOMMODATION: > when the issue is more important to the other person than it is to you > when you discover you are wrong > when the long-term cost of winning may not be worth the short-term gain > to build up credits for later conflicts > to let others learn by making their own mistakes
when to use the Avoidance conflict style
AVOIDANCE: > when the issue is of little importance > to cool down and gain perspective > when the costs of confrontation outweigh the benefits
when to use the Collaboration conflict style
COLLABORATION: > when the issue is too important for a compromise > to merge insights with someone who has a different perspective on the problem > to come up with creative and unique solutions to problems > to develop a relationship by showing commitment to the concerns of both parties > when a long-term relationship between you and the other person is important
when to use the Competition conflict style
COMPETITION: > when the issue is not important enough to negotiate at length > when you are convinced that your position is right and necessary > when there is not enough time to seek a win-win outcome > when the other person is not willing to seek a win-win outcome > to protect yourself against a person who takes advantage of noncompetitive people
Complaint vs. Criticism vs. Contempt
COMPLAINT: > a specific statement of anger, displeasure, distress, or other negativity limited to one situation > it states how you feel CRITICISM: > less specific and more global than a complaint and often includes blaming the other > these messages sometimes contain words like "always" or "never" CONTEMPT: > adds insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, or hostile nonverbal behaviors to criticism > think of it as verbal character assassination or psychological assault ---> criticisms are more face threatening than complaints because they are global statements ---> contempt actually personally insults the person, assault on their character while criticisms are global statements about the person in that situation
when to use the Compromise conflict style
COMPROMISE: > when the issue is moderately important but not enough for a stalemate > when opponents are strongly committed to mutually exclusive goals > to achieve quick, temporary solutions to complex problems > as a backup mode when collaboration doesn't work
Two types of uncertainty
Cognitive Uncertainty: the doubts people experience about their own beliefs and the beliefs of others
under what conditions are we motivated to reduce uncertainty?
Deviation: we are curious when an individual violates our expectations Anticipation of future interaction: we are particularly motivated to reduce uncertainty when we expect to interact with someone again Control over resources: we feel especially compelled to reduce uncertainty when an individual determines the rewards and costs we will receive
How is disclosure related to individual health & well-being and to workplace outcomes?
INDIVIDUAL HEALTH & WELLBEING: >Helps to have one confidant >Benefits of disclosing stressful like circumstances --->improved health outcomes --->decreased rumination (overthink or obsess about situations or life events); being able to disclose this allows you to release pressure and decrease the energy you spent to constantly think about it
Burleson's Three Levels of Comforting
Level 1: Denies other's feelings ---> condemns other's feelings ---> challenges legitimacy of feelings ---> ignores feelings Level 2: Implicit recognition of other's feelings: ---> attempts to divert attention ---> acknowledges feelings but just briefly ---> gives non-feeling centered explaination *We do this most often* Level 3: Explicit recognition of other's feelings --->recognizes emotion with some explanation ---> provides elaborated acknowledgement and explanation --->helps other person to gain perspective on feelings * When people are sad or disappointed about something, Level 3 messages are preferred by both men and women* *Women might be more skilled at communicating Level 3 messages than men*
types of conflict goals
MULTIPLE GOALS: > content/topic > identity/image > relational > process/meta-conflict: how we engage in conflict; how you are arguing *GOAL SHIFTING* ---> prospective goals: my goals before conflict ---> transitive goals: goals that emerge during conflict
listening vs. hearing Mindful Listening Mindless Listening
Mindless Listening: When we react to other's messages automatically and routinely without much mental investment Mindful Listening: Giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we recieve Hearing: the process in which sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are transmitted to the brain. Listening: occurs when the brain reconstructs these electrochemical impulses into a representation of the original sound and then gives them meaning
What are the purposes of disclosure in different kinds of relationships?
Plays a role in various relationships: >Strangers, acquaintances ---> get to know you, relationship initiation >Best friend, significant others ---> express yourself, relationship expectation >Coworkers ---> enhance morale, discuss ideas (innovation)
What is comforting? (emotional support)
communicative practices commonly recognized as intended to alleviate another's acute emotional distress
Gottman's 4 Horsemen
criticism--->contempt--->defensiveness--->stonewalling
conversational narcissism
extreme self-focus to the exclusion of others
positive face vs. negative face
positive face: the desire to be approved of in certain respects; LIKING negative face: the desire to remain unimpeded; RESPECT
the paradox of small talk
we hate small talk yet we do it all the time we say we don't enjoy engaging in small talk yet it is such a fundamental aspect of how we communicate with people >we have lots of different word to describe small talk---> the terms tend to minimize the importance of small talk, most are negative > the fact that there are lots of words to describe it, means its important