Chapter 9

Costs

things we try to avoid because we find them unpleasant, but are willing to endure costs in order to get the rewards. (Going to the gym, no pain no gain). Disadvantages of a relationship. Things you don't want to do but you do do it because you want the relationship.

Uncertainity Reduction Theory

- a theory suggesting that people are motivated to reduce their uncertainty about others by using communication behaviors to get to know them, finding uncertainty to be unpleasant - also suggests that the less uncertain you are, the more you will like the person, we don't like being uncertain about people

Relationships carry costs as well as rewards

- might have to spend time with your friend that you would prefer to spend doing something rewarding yourself - must make an emotional investment, when your friends need support - also, material costs associated with doing things together, - often require physical investments, may not want your friend to move in with you but you do bc they are your friend.

Predicted Outcome Value Theory

- theory predicting that we form relationships when we think the effort will be worth it. If we like what we hear from the initial conversations, we predict positive outcomes from talking to them and want to get to know them better - we may find we have things in a common, great sense of humor, and is fun to be around

Comparison level for alternatives

A person's assessment of how good or bad his or her current relationship is, compared with other options.

Comparison Level

A person's realistic expectation of what the person wants and thinks he or she deserves from a relationship.

Equity Theory

A theory predicting that a good relationship is one in which a person's ratio of costs and rewards is equal to that of the person's partner. Equity theory borrows the concepts of cost and reward from social exchange theory and extends them by defining a good relationship as one in which your ratio of costs and rewards is equal to your partner's.

Social Exchange Theory

A theory predicting that people seek to form and maintain relationships in which the benefits outweigh the costs.

Recalibration

Adopting this strategy means "reframing" a tension so that the contradiction between opposing needs disappears. As a result, they might come to see autonomy and connection as complementary rather than opposing needs.

Alternation

Alternation means going back and forth between the two sides of a tension.

Avoidance Behaviors

Communication behaviors that signal one's lack of interest in getting to know someone. Include verbal actions like "leaving me alone", nonverbal behaviors like avoiding eye contact and not spending time with them

Approach Behaviors

Communication behaviors that signal one's interest in getting to know someone. Include verbal statements like introducing yourself, nonverbal behaviors like eye contact and smiling. The primary purpose of engaging in approach behaviors is to collect information about the other person to reduce our uncertainty about him or her.

Reaffirmation

Finally, reaffirmation means simply embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life. Whereas reframing means eliminating the tension by seeing the opposing needs as complementary, reaffirmation means accepting the tension as normal.

Personal appearance

Humans are highly visually oriented, so when we find someone to be physically attractive, we are often motivated to get to know that person better. One reason is that we value and appreciate physical attractiveness, so we want to be around people we consider attractive. Another reason is that, throughout history, humans have sought physically attractive persons as mates.

Integration

In this strategy, people try to develop behaviors that will satisfy both sides of tension simultaneously. Unlike the balance strategy, which focuses on compromising each desire, integration focuses on finding ways to satisfy both desires without compromising either one.

Balance

People who use balance as a strategy try to compromise, or find a middle ground, between the two opposing forces of tension.

Under-Benefitted

The state in which ones relational costs exceed ones relational rewards

Segmentation

This strategy involves dealing with one side of tension in some aspects, or segments, of one's relationship, and dealing with the other side of the tension using other segments.

Denial

This strategy involves responding to only one side of the tension and ignoring the other.

Similarity

When we meet people with backgrounds, experiences, beliefs, and interests similar to our own, we find them to be comfortable and familiar; sometimes it's almost as if we already know them. One reason is that we often find social validation in people who are similar to us. Liking people who are similar to us is, in a way, like liking ourselves. A second reason we find similarity attractive is that it is in our genetic interests to do so. For our primitive ancestors, similarity—particularly in physical appearance and behavior—was one of the most reliable ways to distinguish relatives from non-relatives.

Receptivity

a different type of friendship, imbalance in giving and receiving. One is the primary giver and the other is the primary receiver. The imbalance is positive, each person gains something from the relationship. The status difference is essential for the relationship to develop, a mentorship. Coach and athlete, teacher and student.

Utility Value

a friend that has special talents or resources that we find useful in achieving personal goals and needs.

Affirmation Value

a friend's behavior towards us acts as a mirror that affirms our personal value and helps recognize our personal attributes.

Frenemies

a relationship where the cots outweigh the rewards

Emotional Commitment

a sense of responsibility for each other's feelings and emotional well-being. Why you listen to your sister's problems even if they seem trivial to you

Interpersonal Attraction

any force that draws people together

Rewards

anything we want or enjoy, anything we would be willing to endure costs to obtain. Different relationships provide different rewards. It could be tangible like money or gifts.

Social Attraction

attraction to someone's personality

Ego-support value

behaving supportive and encouraging, helps us view ourselves are worthy and competent

Task attraction

being attracted to someone's abilities and dependability

Physical Attraction

being drawn to someone because of his or her looks

Investment

commitment of resources in our relationships

Dialectical Tensions

conflicts between two important but opposing needs or desires

Commitment

cool component, cognitive aspect of love. Consists on the decisions and choices we make with our lover in a relationship. Maintain our relationship with choices.

Complementarity

drawn to people who are different from us, perceiving a quality that someone has that you don't. We aren't attracted to all people that are different, tending to avoid those who are widely different from us. We are attracted to a particular quality that we admire.

Openness

describes a person's willingness to talk with his or her friend or relational partner about their relationship. People who use this relational maintenance strategy are likely to disclose their thoughts and feelings, ask how their friend feels about the relationship, and confide in their friend.

Commitment

desire to stay in a relationship

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

different love relationships are characterized by varying amounts of intimacy, passion, and commitment. There are many different types of relationships depending on those amounts.

Security Value

friends don't do anything to hurt us or call attention to our weaknesses, they know what they are but don't emphasize it. We can interact freely and not worry about betrayal.

To enhance physical and emotional health

good relationships contribute to physical and emotional health and happiness, we are more likely to become lonely without them.

Health Rewards

good relationships keep us healthy. Happiness and relaxation our relationships provide help us to ward off the negative effects of stress, stress can have negative effects on us. Having close relationships acts as a buffer from stressful events. Having strong relationships helps us deal with stress so it doesn't threaten our health. Another reason is people look out for our safety and well-being. They can encourage us to pursue healthy behaviors and prompt us to seek medical attention when we need it.

Difficulty in dissolving

hard getting out of a relationship once you get in them. Some people avoid getting into relationships to not have to go through the pain involved with breaking up.

Material Rewards

help us meet our needs for money, food, shelter, and transportation. We tend to share those needs with people who we feel close to. More likely to offer those needs to relatives and close friends.

Liking

high on intimacy component, but low on passion and commitment. More of a liking relationship than a loving.

Passion

hot component, motivational aspect of love. We feel motivation from our partners, but not exclusive to love relationships

Attractiveness

how attractive someone is. These parts go together and impact their attractiveness, common for us to be attracted to someone we find attractive. We tend to find positive qualities in someone we find attractive and negative in someone we don't.

Complementarity

however, we can also be attracted to people who are different from ourselves if we see their differences, is, as beneficial to ourselves because they provide a quality we lack.

Reciprocity

ideal type of friendship, have with our closest friends. Loyalty, self-sacrifice, mutual affection, generosity. Key= friendship between equals in rewards and costs in the friendship

Close relationships requires continuous investment

investing a range of resources in our close relationships, our time, money, and attention. We expect to benefit from our investments but know we cannot retrieve the resources we've dedicated to the relationship. People in close relationships are often especially aware of how much they are investing.

Mere exposure hypothesis

it says you're not always become attracted to it just from being around it, predicts if first exposure is negative repeated exposure won't lead to this. Confirmation bias will take place. It also predicts if the experience is neutral to positive, that repeated exposure will lead to a more positive liking.

Sharing Tasks

means performing one's fair share of the work in a relationship. As we've seen, being in a relationship requires investments of energy and effort. One way of maintaining a relationship, then, is to make certain the two parties are contributing equally.

Legal and Financial Commitment

more formal expressions of people's obligations to each other. Parents legally having to feed and house their children

Association

most of our relationships are usually associates, might describe as friendly than actual friendship. Classmates and coworkers, weak ties. No trust, no receiving, and giving. Don't really communicate one on one.

Social Commitment

motivates us to spend time together, to compromise, to be generous with praise, and avoid petty conflict. Takes the form of spending time with partners friends or family members even if one doesn't enjoy their company

Social Networks

networks refers to all of the relationships one has. An important relational maintenance behavior is to share one's social networks with another person.

Reciprocity of liking

occurs pretty early in an attraction experience if it's going to carry on. Needs to be communicated repeatedly. The spark has to occur on both sides for the attraction to develop. They can happen multiple times.

Integrating Stage

occurs when a deep commitment is formed, and people share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity. Their lives become integrated with each other, and they also are to think of themselves as a pair.

Maximize pleasure and minimize pain

our closest relationships is a save when something good or bad happens to us, they are our support system. Share our pleasure and pain in our closest relationships. Having an outlet.

Bonding Stage

partners make a public announcement of their commitment to each other. Moving in, getting married. Also allows individuals to gain the support and approval of people in their social networks

Close relationships foster interdependence

people in relationships depend on one another, so one person's actions influence others. The essence of interdependence is the idea that our actions influence other peoples lives as much as they influence our own

Intensifying Stage

people move from acquaintances to being friends, spending more time together and share more intimate information with each other. Increasing their commitment to each other.

Positivity

positivity makes others feel comfortable around us. Positivity behaviors include acting friendly and cheerful, being courteous, and refraining from criticizing other people. People who engage in positivity behaviors smile frequently, express their affection and appreciation for others, and don't complain.

Advantages of interpersonal relationships

reasons why we develop relationships

Proximity

refers to how close together people live or work and how often they interact, tending to form relationships with people we see often.

Stimulation Value

they introduce us to new ideas or perspective of seeing the world, help us expand our world view.

factors of interpersonal attraction

similarity, physical attraction, proximity, complementarity.

Interdependence

state in which each person's behaviors affect everyone else in the relationship

Matching hypothesis

states that although we may be attracted to the physically most attractive people, we will date people who are similar to us.

Managing Dialectical Tensions

strategies that people in intimate relationships use to manage tensions, their effectiveness depends on the individual's goals for the relationship and the context in which they are using them

Rewards - Costs = Profits

the basis of if a relationship will follow through or not after attraction, claims a developed relationship will enable us to maximize our profits and minimize ours loses.

Openness

the desire for disclosure and honesty

Novelty

the desire for fresh, new experiences

Connection

the desire to be close to others

Predictability

the desire to consistency and stability

Closedness

the desire to keep certain facts, thoughts, or ideas to oneself

Autonomy

the feeling of wanting to be one's, own person

Mere exposure

the idea that merely being exposed to someone repeatedly can lead you to like it more. Familiarity breeds attraction; can lead to attraction from repeated exposure. More opportunities to perceive their rewards (qualities we like)

Emotional Rewards

there are two types (emotional support and happiness) Emotional support is encouragement during times of emotional turmoil, relationships can provide comfort and empathy to help you make it through. Happiness is enjoying the interaction with people we care about because it's relaxing and fun.

Increased obligations

the more involved we are in the relationship, the more obligated we are to them. The closer the relationship, the more interdependent it is. One persons behavior influences the other, don't get to have time for your own.

Increased insulation

the more we are committed to one relationship, the less available we are to others. The matter of time and energy, it can often result in abandoning relationships while investing in another one.

Disadvantages to interpersonal relationships

the rewards can outweigh the costs

Circumscribing

the stage of relationship dissolution characterized by decreased quality and quantity of communication between partners. The purpose is to avoid dealing with conflicts, people spend more time apart when together they don't talk about problems or sensitive issues in the relationship, focusing on safe topics.

Stagnating

the stage of relationship dissolution when partners are barely communicating with each other. Avoid communication about anything important because they fear conflict.

Avoiding

the stage of relationship dissolution when partners create a physical and emotional distance between each other. Moving out of the house or requesting for space, or making up excuses for being apart and curtailing availability.

Terminating

the stage of relationship dissolution when the relationship is deemed to be officially over. Ending a relationship is a significant one.

Differentiating

the stage of the relationship dissolution when partners begin to see their differences as undesirable or annoying.

Over-Benefitted

the state in which ones relational rewards exceed ones relational costs

Need to Belong Theory

theory that says each of us is born with a fundamental drive to seek, form, maintain, protect strong relationships. We use interpersonal communication to form social bonds with others at work, school, neighborhoods, and social contexts. For us to satisfy our drive for relationships, we need social bonds that are both interactive and emotionally close. (This is why solitary confinement is a harsh punishment)

To gain self-knowledge and self-esteem

through comparing ourselves with others and looking in the mirror through others. Allows ourselves in different perspectives and better understand ourselves.

Pressure for exposure

to create relationships we need to reveal ourselves to our partners, exposing our vulnerabilities. Some are more open or more closed. It might backfire, have to trust the other person.

To lessen loneliness

to make us feel that someone likes us, they care, will be there for us. All have a need to belong and maintain social relationships, we need social connections and have a social community.

Assurances

verbal and nonverbal behaviors that people use to illustrate their faithfulness and commitment to others. A statement such as "Of course I'll help you; you're my best friend" sends the message that the communicator is committed to the relationship, and it reassures the other person that the relationship has a future.

Intimacy

warm component, emotional aspect of love. Includes sharing and emotional support, the feeling we have when feel a sense of closeness and connection, created through communication

Similarities

we are drawn to people who are like us, we validate ourselves and see that we are worthy of being liked. The same attitudes have the same interests and likes. The more significant the attitude the more important the similarity is, the more important of our attraction to the person. It helps us predict the behaviors of others. Genes can be a part as well.

To secure stimulation

we are oriented to people that stimulate us, infants need to live with stimulation. All humans need human contact. When we don't get stimulation and human connection, we start to derail.

Compensatory hypothesis

we may be attracted to someone who has a strength in something that we have a self-perceived weakness

Close Relationships Require Commitment

when people are committed to each other, they assume they have a future together. It's important for most close relationships bc most deal with conflict and distress from time to time. It allows us to deal with those difficult times by believing that our relationship will survive them.

Initiating Stage

when people meet and interact for the first time. Making eye contact with someone on the first day or striking up a conversation with someone on the airplane.

Attraction Theory

which describes why we are drawn to others

Experimenting Stage

you have conversations to learn more about that person, asking questions to gain basic information about each other. It helps decide if they have enough in common to continue getting to know each other.