chpt . 2 Helper, Know Thyself

Virginia Satir (1983) recognized that the family rules we learned were often in a form that lacked choice and were impossible to implement. "I must never get angry" is an example of this kind of family rule; so is "I must always be the best" or "I must always be kind." Cognitive therapists might want clients to challenge words like "must" and "always" and "never" as irrational, but Satir preferred to engage clients in a rules transformation process. This is how the transformation process goes:

1. Start with the rule as learned: "I must never get angry." 2. Change the "must" to "can": "I can never get angry." It's still a problematic statement, but at least it has choice in it. 3. Change the "never" or "always" to "sometimes": "I can sometimes get angry." Now this rings with truth. The next step is to personalize it. 4. Think of at least three situations in which it would be OK for you to get angry. For example, I can get angry when I see and experience injustice toward others, or when other people presume to know what I think or feel and speak for me, or when I see cruelty to animals. Note that being angry at these times does not require you to be emotionally reactive or explosive. There are many ways to express anger without damaging your heart with explosiveness.

Virginia Satir

A great deal of the discussion on one's family of origin is based on the contributions of Virginia Satir, one of the pioneers in family therapy. When Satir was 5 years old, she remembers hearing her parents talking and wanting to know what they were up to. She often mentioned in her workshops that this was when she decided to be a "detective on parents." Later she viewed herself as a detective who sought out and listened for the reflections of self-esteem with her clients. Her therapeutic work convinced her of the value of a strong, nurturing relationship based on interest and fascination with those in her care. Satir used to say that if she walked into a room with 12 people she would meet everyone she ever knew. When you are counseling a couple or a family, many people are participating in this interaction. In other words, you do not always perceive individuals whom you meet with a fresh and unbiased perspective. The more you are aware of these patterns, the greater the benefit to your clients. It is crucial that you know to whom you are responding: to the individual in front of you or to a person from your past. exercise for revisiting people in your life s what is most important is simply to be aware of ways in which you are carrying your past into present interactions.

early adulthood

According to Erikson, we enter early adulthood, ages 20 to 35, after we master the adolescent conflicts over identity. Our sense of identity is tested anew in adulthood, however, by the core struggle for intimacy versus isolation. The ability to form intimate relationships depends largely on having a clear sense of self. Intimacy involves sharing, giving ourselves, relating to another based on our strength, and a desire to grow with that person. If we think very little of ourselves, the chances are not good that we will be able to give meaningfully to others. The failure to achieve intimacy often results in feelings of isolation from others and a sense of alienation. Judith is a prime example of a young woman who failed to develop a strong sense of self as a result of her earlier struggles. She tries to act the way she thinks others want her to act in a desperate attempt to gain love, approval, and acceptance, but she invariably ends up feeling lost and alone. She has had a number of intimate partners, but they seem to distance themselves from her after a short time. Armstrong (2007) identifies the principle of enterprise as a key characteristic of this stage of life. For young adults to accomplish the tasks facing them (such as finding a home and a partner or establishing a career), enterprise is required. This characteristic serves us well at any stage of life when we go into the world to make our mark. The major aim of early adulthood is being able to engage in intimate relationships and find satisfying work. Some developmental issues include caring for self and others, focusing on long-range goals, nurturing others physically and emotionally, finding meaning in life, and developing tolerance for delaying gratification to meet long-range goals (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). As we leave adolescence and enter early adulthood, our central task is to assume increased responsibility and independence. Although most of us have moved away from our parents physically, not all of us have done so psychologically. To a greater or lesser degree, our parents will have a continuing influence on our lives. Cultural factors play a significant role in determining the degree to which our parents influence our lives. For example, in some cultures developing a spirit of independence is not encouraged. Instead, these cultures place a prime value on cooperation with others and on a spirit of interdependence. In some cultures, parents continue to have a significant impact and influence on their children even after they reach adulthood. Respect and honor for parents may be values that are extolled above individual freedom by the adult children. In these cultures the struggle for autonomy may be to define one's place in the family rather than to separate from it.

crisis

Erikson describes human development over the entire life span in terms of various stages, each marked by a particular crisis to be resolved. For Erikson, crisis means a turning point in life, a moment of transition characterized by the potential to go either forward or backward in development. Critical turning points in our lives are influenced by a variety of biological, psychological, and Copyright 201␣ Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be copied, scanned, or duplicated, in whole or in part. Due to electronic rights, some third party content may be supp social factors. Although we may not have direct control of some key elements of our development, such as early experiences and genetics, we have choices about how we interpret these experiences and use them to further our growth. At key turning points in life, we can either successfully resolve the basic conflict or get stuck on the road to development. These turning points represent both dangers and opportunities: crises can be viewed as challenges to be met or as catastrophic events that simply happen to you. Each developmental stage builds on the psychological outcomes of earlier stages, and individuals sometimes fail to resolve the conflicts and thus regress. To a very large extent, an individual's current life is the result of earlier choices; life has continuity.

late middle age,

Erikson does not differentiate between middle age and late middle age, but instead has one general stage that spans the period from the mid-30s to the mid-60s. For Armstrong (2007), the gift of this period is benevolence. Through their example, others are able to learn ways of striving to make the world a better place. McGoldrick and colleagues (2011b) differentiate between these two phases of middle age. For them, late middle age, ages 55 to 70, is a time when many adults are beginning to consider retirement, pursuing new interests, and thinking more about what they want to do with the rest of their lives. It is a period for taking up new interests, which may be increasingly possible as child rearing or financial responsibilities fade in importance. During this time, people become more aware of the reality of death, and they may reflect more on whether they are living well. It is a time for reevaluation and a time when people are at the crossroads of life. They may begin to question what else is left, and they may establish new priorities or renew their commitments. Late middle age is a period when people reach the top of the mountain and become aware that they must begin the downhill journey. They might painfully experience the discrepancy between the dreams of their younger years and the harsh reality of what they have actually accomplished with their life so far. A challenge during this period of life is coming to terms with the reality that not everything could be done. People must let go of some of their dreams, accept their limitations, stop dwelling on what they cannot do, and focus on what they can do (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). When people reach their mid-50s, many of them reach their peak in terms of status and personal power, and this can be a satisfying time of life. Adults at this stage often do a lot of reflecting, contemplating, refocusing, and evaluating of themselves so they can continue to discover new directions.

middle childhood

Erikson states that the major struggle of middle childhood, ages 6 to 12, is for industry versus inferiority. The central task is to achieve a sense of industry; failure to do so results in a sense of inadequacy. Children need to expand their understanding of the world and continue to develop an appropriate gender-role identity. The development of a sense of industry includes focusing on creating goals, such as meeting challenges and finding success in school. According to Armstrong (2007), imagination is a key gift during the first half of this stage. The sense of an inner subjective self develops, and this sense of self is alive with images taken from the environment. During the second half of this stage, ingenuity is a key characteristic. Older children acquire a range of social and technical skills that enable them to deal with the increasing pressures they are facing. From the self-in-context view, this is a time when children increase their understanding of self in terms of gender, race, culture, and abilities. There is an increased understanding of self in relation to family, peers, and community. A key task is developing empathy, or being able to take the perspective of others (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). Children who encounter failure in their early schooling often experience major handicaps later in life. Those children with early learning problems may begin to feel worthless. Such feelings often dramatically affect their relationships with their peers, which are also vital at this time. Problems that can originate during middle childhood include a negative self-concept, feelings of inferiority in establishing and maintaining social relationships, conflicts over values, a confused gender-role identity, dependency, a fear of new challenges, and a lack of initiative. For example, one lasting psychological effect of Bronwyn's underachievement in school during her middle childhood years is her deep- seated belief as an adult that she does not have much to offer as a person and that she is not important. She avoids most personal and professional situations that may require her to take risks because she does not believe she can achieve any meaningful goals.

Psychosocial theory

Erikson's model is holistic, addressing humans inclusively as biological, social, and psychological beings. Psychosocial theory provides a conceptual framework for understanding trends in development; major developmental tasks at each stage of life; critical needs and their satisfaction or frustration; potentials for choice at each stage of life; critical turning points or developmental crises; and the origins of faulty personality development, which lead to later personality conflicts. Erikson's theory holds that we face the task of establishing equilibrium between ourselves and our social world at each stage of life.

family rules

Families have certain rules governing interactions. These family rules are not simple commandments, such as what time children need to be home after a date. They also include unspoken rules, messages given by parents to children, injunctions, myths, and secrets. These rules are often couched in terms of "do's" or "don'ts": " They are intended to provide a safety net for children as they venture into the world

Becoming your own person.

From the perspective of those who grow up in cultures that value autonomy and individualism, a healthy person achieves both a psychological separateness from and a sense of intimacy with his or her family. Psychological maturity is not a fixed destination that you reach once and for all; rather, it is a lifelong developmental process achieved through reexamination and resolution of internal conflicts and intimacy issues with loved ones. You do not find yourself in isolation; rather, the process of self-discovery is bound up with the quality of your relationships to others in connection. Becoming your own person does not mean "doing your own thing" irrespective of your impact on those with whom you come in contact The notions of independence, autonomy, and self-determination are Western values, and they tend to reduce the importance of the family of origin. In more collectivist societies, family bonds and unity are given more emphasis than self-determination and independence. In many Chinese American families, filial piety, or obedience to parents and respect and honor for them, is highly valued. Allegiance to one's parents is expected from a son, even after he marries and has his own family. A son may have difficulty with the notion of being his own person beyond the limits of his family role and may continue to think of himself first as a son. For such a person, individuation is neither ideal nor particularly functional. The concept of individuation and separation from his family can easily lead to conflicts in his family relationships.

Late adulthood,

Late adulthood, age 70 onward, is characterized by the core struggle for integrity versus despair. Encountering the death of parents and losses of friends and relatives confronts us with the reality of preparing ourselves for our own death. A basic task of late adulthood is to complete a life review in which we put our life into perspective and come to accept who we are and what we have done. From Armstrong's (2007) perspective, people in late adulthood give the gift of wisdom Older adults represent the source of wisdom that exists in each of us, which helps us avoid the mistakes of the past and reap the benefits of life's lessons. This is also a time in life when spirituality may take on a new meaning and provide us with a sense of purpose, even as we face a growing dependence on others (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). Prevalent themes for people during late adulthood include loss; loneliness and social isolation; feelings of rejection; the struggle to find meaning in life; dependency; feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, and despair; fears of death and dying; grief over others' deaths; sadness over physical and mental deterioration; and regrets over past events. Today, many of these themes characterize people in their mid-80s more than people in their 60s and even 70s. People who succeed in achieving ego integrity are able to accept that they have been productive and that they have coped with whatever failures they faced. Such people are able to accept the course of their lives, and they do not endlessly ruminate on all that they could have done, might have done, and should have done. In contrast, some older persons fail to achieve ego integration. They are able to see all that they have not done, and they often yearn for another chance to live in a different way. Florence, age 72, is plagued with regrets about the friendships she lost over the years due to her decision to invest all of her time with her husband, James, who passed away 2 years ago. She also regrets passing up opportunities to develop hobbies or to pursue a career. If she had it to do all over again, she would be more assertive and tell James that she needs to pursue friendships and interests outside of their relationship. Late adulthood has changed just as dramatically as the earlier middle-age stages. As is the case for each of these developmental stages, there is a great deal of individual variance. Many 70-year-olds have as much energy as many middle- aged people. How people look and feel during late adulthood is more than a matter of physical age; it is largely a matter of attitude. To a great degree, vitality is influenced by state of mind more than by mere chronological years lived.

The Human Odyssey: Navigating the Twelve Stages of Life, Thomas Armstrong (2007) maintains that every stage of life is equally significant and necessary for the welfare of humanity. Each stage of life has its own unique gift to contribute to the world. Armstrong believes that we should take the same attitude toward nurturing the human life cycle as we do toward protecting the environment from global warming and other threats. He argues that by supporting each of the developmental stages, we are helping to ensure that people are given care and helped to develop to their fullest potential.

McGoldrick, Carter, and Garcia-Preto (2011b) have criticized Erikson's theory of individual development for underplaying the importance of the interpersonal realm and connection to others. Contextual factors have a critical bearing on our ability to formulate a clear identity as an individual and also to be able to connect to others. The self-in-context perspective, as described by McGoldrick and colleagues, takes into account race, socioeconomic class, gender, ethnicity, and culture as central factors that influence the course of development throughout the individual's life cycle. These factors influence a child's beliefs about self and ways of being emotionally connected with others. For healthy development to occur, it is necessary to establish a clear sense of our unique selves in the context of our connection with others at each stage of life

Your family structure.

Some of the many patterns of family life include nuclear, extended, single-parent, grandparent-grandchild, divorced, adoptive, same-sex parents, children raised outside the family, and blended families. The term family structure also refers to the social and psychological organization of the family system, including factors such as birth order and the individual's perception of self in the family context.

early childhood

The most critical task of early childhood, ages 1 to 3, is to begin the journey toward autonomy. The core struggle at this time is for autonomy versus shame and doubt. By progressing from being taken care of by others to being able to care for one's own needs, children increase their understanding of interdependence and develop a sense of emotional competence, which involves delaying gratification.

A Theoretical Basis for Understanding Life Stages

There are many theoretical approaches to understanding human development, each of which provides a somewhat different conceptualization of the stages from infancy to old age. These theories provide a road map to understanding how people develop in all areas of personal functioning. We address three alternative perspectives on lifelong personality development in this section: we describe a model that draws on Erik Erikson's (1963, 1982) psychosocial theory of human development; incorporate Thomas Armstrong's (2007) "gifts" of each of the stages of life; and highlight some major ideas about development from the self-in-context approach, which emphasizes the individual life cycle in a systemic perspective (McGoldrick, Carter, & Garcia-Preto, 2011b).

psychosocial tasks

We describe nine stages of development from infancy to old age by pointing out the psychosocial tasks for each phase. We also briefly describe potential problems in personality development if these tasks are not mastered. Acute and chronic illness during any period of life can disrupt the transition through the different life stages. For example, juvenile diabetes may disrupt normal childhood experiences; spinal cord injury, cancer, and HIV/AIDS can disrupt midcareer and social development. It is essential to recognize how your own development can be either an asset or a liability in your efforts to help others. As you read and reflect on these stages of development, ask yourself how well you have mastered some of the major psychosocial tasks at each period of your development.

stress and trust in family

When stress is exacerbated because of the breakdown of the family system, members tend to resort to defensive stances. Bitter (1987, 2014) describes how congruent people cope with stress. They do not sacrifice themselves to a singular style in dealing with it. Instead, they transform stress into a challenge that is met in a useful way. Such people are centered, and they avoid changing their colors like a chameleon. Their words match their inner experience, and they are able to make direct and clear statements. They face stress with confidence and courage because they know that they have the inner resources to cope effectively and to make sound choices. They feel a sense of belongingness and a connectedness with others. They are motivated by the principle of social interest, which means that they are not interested merely in self-enhancement but are aware of the need to contribute to the common good.

parents

Your parents or those who raised you have been the "air-traffic controllers" of your life. They launched you, guided you, and helped you survive. They are the people on whom you depended for survival, and you may feel less than grown up in relation to them. You may find yourself acting the way you did as a child when you are with them as opposed to functioning as a psychological adult. It is important to remember that the last relationships that many people work out are those with their parents.

Autonomy,

a key developmental task of early adulthood, refers to mature self-governance. If you are an autonomous person, you are able to function without constant approval and reassurance, are sensitive to the needs of others, can effectively meet the demands of daily living, are willing to ask for help when it is needed, and can provide support to others. You are at home with both your inner world and your outer world. Although you are concerned with meeting your needs, you do not do so at the expense of those around you. You are aware of the impact your behavior may have on others, and you consider the welfare of others as well as your own self-development. Making decisions about the quality of life you want for yourself and affirming these choices are partly what autonomy is about. Autonomy also entails your willingness to accept responsibility for the consequences of your choices rather than placing the responsibility on others if you are not satisfied with the way your life is going. Furthermore, achieving a healthy balance between independence and interdependence is not something you do at a given time once and for all. The struggle toward autonomy and interdependence begins in early childhood and continues throughout life. the ultimate goal in Western societies is to develop a mature, interdependent self.

Adolescence,

ages 12 to 20, is a period of searching for an identity, continuing to find one's voice, and balancing caring of self with caring about others. The core struggle is for identity versus identity confusion. Armstrong (2007) describes the unique gift of this stage of life as passion. A powerful set of changes in the adolescent body is reflected in sexual, emotional, cultural, and spiritual passion and a deep inner zeal for life. From the self-in-context perspective, key developmental tasks include dealing with rapid body changes and body image issues, learning self-management, developing one's sexual identity, developing a philosophy of life and a spiritual identity, learning to deal with intimate relationships, and an expanded understanding of self in relation to others (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). For Erikson, the major developmental conflicts of adolescence center on the clarification of who you are, where you are going, and how you are getting there. The struggle involves integrating physical and social changes. Adolescents may feel pressured to make career choices early, to compete in the job market or in college, to become financially independent, and to commit themselves to physically and emotionally intimate relationships. Peer-group pressure is a major force, and it is easy to lose oneself by conforming to the expectations of friends. With the increasing stress experienced by many adolescents, suicidal ideation is not uncommon. During the adolescent period, a major part of the identity-formation process consists of separation from the family system and establishment of an identity based on one's own experiences. The process of separating from parents can be an agonizing part of the struggle toward individuation. Although adolescents may adopt many of their parents' values, to individuate they must choose these values freely as opposed to accepting them without thought. For instance, 15-year-old Bradley has become increasingly resistant to his parents' wishes that he and his siblings attend church services every Sunday. Raised in a very devout Catholic family, Bradley has started to question his religious beliefs. Whenever his parents discuss religion at home, Bradley becomes irritated with them and tunes them out by texting with his friends.

During the preschool years,

ages 3 to 6, children seek to find out what they are able to do. The core struggle at this time is for initiative versus guilt. According to Erikson, the basic task of the preschool years is to establish a sense of competence and initiative. Preschoolers begin to learn to give and receive love and affection, learn basic attitudes regarding sexuality, and learn more complex social skills. According to Armstrong (2007), the gift of this stage of life is playfulness. When young children play, they recreate the world anew. They take what is and combine it with what is possible to fashion new events. If children are allowed realistic freedom to choose their own activities and make some of their own decisions, they tend to develop a positive orientation characterized by confidence in their ability to initiate and follow through. According to the self-in- context perspective, this stage ushers in the awareness of "otherness" in terms of gender, race, and disability. A key task is to increase trust in others (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). During this period the foundations of gender-role identity are laid, and children begin to form a picture of appropriate masculine and feminine behavior. At some point both women and men may want to broaden their conception of what kind of person they want to be. However, early conditioning often makes the expansion of the self-concept somewhat difficult. Many people seek counseling because of problems they experience in regard to their gender-role identity.

dysfunctional families

are characterized by closed communication, by the poor self-esteem of one or both parents, and by rigid patterns. Rules serve the function of masking fears about differences. They are rigid and are frequently inappropriate for meeting a situation. In unhealthy families, the members are expected to think, feel, and act in the same way. Parents attempt to control the family by using fear, anger, punishment, guilt, or dominance. Eventually, the system breaks down because the rules are no longer able to keep the family structure intact. This can lead to intense stress.

Middle adulthood,

between ages 35 and 55, is characterized by a "going outside of ourselves." The core struggle at this time is for generativity versus stagnation. It is a time for learning how to live creatively with ourselves and with others, and it can be the time of greatest productivity in our lives. This is a period when people are likely to engage in a philosophical reexamination of their lives, which may result in reinventing themselves in their work and in their involvement in the community (McGoldrick et al., 2011b). Armstrong (2007) refers to contemplation as the gift of middle adulthood. People in midlife reflect on the deeper meaning of their lives, which is an important resource that can be drawn on to enrich life at any age. Other tasks include nurturing and supporting one's children, partner, and older family members. A challenge is to recognize accomplishments and accept limitations. Generativity includes being creative in one's career, finding meaningful leisure activities, and establishing significant relationships in which there is giving and receiving. As is true with any stage, there are both dangers and opportunities during this time. Some of the dangers include slipping into secure but stale ways of being and failing to take advantage of opportunities for enriching life. Many individuals experience a midlife crisis, when their whole world seems to be unstable. During middle age there is sometimes a period of depression. When people begin to see that some of their visions have not materialized, they may give up hope for a better future. A problem of this period is the failure to achieve a sense of productivity, which then leads to feelings of stagnation. It is important that individuals realize the choices they have in their life and see the changes they can make rather than giving in to the feeling that they are victims of life's circumstances. At age 48, Steve has realized that his dream of rising up the corporate ladder is probably not going to happen. He has had the same middle management position for several years and repeatedly has been overlooked for promotions. Steve is angered by the success of his younger colleagues but doesn't consider looking for another job because he is certain that remaining in his current position is his only option.

In infancy,

birth to age 1, the basic task is to develop a sense of trust in self, others, and the environment. The infant is a vibrant and seemingly unlimited source of energy (Armstrong, 2007). The core struggle at this time is for trust versus mistrust. If the significant persons in an infant's life provide the needed warmth and attention, the child develops a sense of trust. This sense of being loved is the best safeguard against fear, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy.

Personal transformation

demands an awareness of how you dealt with developmental tasks in the past and how you are now addressing these issues. By drawing on your own life experiences, both past and present, you are in a better position to appreciate the struggles of your clients, which enables you to intervene more effectively with them. All of these transition points test your ability to handle uncertainty, to leave what is known and secure, and to take a new direction in life. By understanding the challenges at each period of life, you will understand how earlier stages of personality development influence the choices you continue to make in life. T

countertransference

emotional-behavioral reactions toward a client that originate from some part of the helper's life. . If you have fears about your dying or the aging and death of your parents, for example, it is quite possible for you to encounter difficulty in working with older people. The struggles of these clients can activate unconscious processes in you that, if left outside your awareness, can interfere with your ability to be truly helpful.

Transference

generally has roots in a client's unresolved personal conflicts with significant others. Because of these unresolved concerns, the client may perceive the helping professional in a distorted way, bringing past relationships into the present relationship with the counselor. Transference can lead a client to gain insight into how he or she operates in a variety of relationships. The counterpart to the client's transference feelings toward a helper is the helping person's countertransference;

systemic perspective

grounded on the assumption that how we develop can best be understood through learning about our role and place in our family of origin. The systemic view is that individuals cannot really be understood apart from the family system of which they are a part.

Family secrets

influence the structure and functioning of a family. Secrets can be particularly devastating because that which is hidden typically assumes greater power than that which is out in the open. Generally, it is not what is openly talked about that causes difficulty in families but what is kept hidden. If there are secrets in the family, children are left to figure out what is going on in the home.

One clue that you may have unresolved issues

is when you find yourself becoming emotionally reactive (Kerr & Bowen, 1988); that is, you have an almost automatic, reflexive emotional trigger that seems out of character for you.

family of origin

practitioners need to know how their own family of origin influences them presently before they engage in professional work with individuals, couples, and families. Some states mandate such a course as a requirement for licensure as a couples and family therapist. Some writers suggest that training programs provide family-of-origin work for students as part of growth group experiences (Bitter, 2014; Lawson & Gaushell, 1991). One study demonstrated that graduate students highly value genogram work as part of their counselor training (Lim, 2008). The genogram, a graphic representation of one's family of origin, is an effective psychosocial tool in counselor training. "It provides the opportunity for trainees to examine preconceived notions about self and the world, to critically evaluate the stories that have shaped them, and to make decisions about new ways of being and relating" (p. 42). By exploring the dynamics of their own family of origin, helpers can relate more effectively to themes presented by families they encounter in clinical practice.

conflict in family

. Conflicts belong to the whole family, although parents at times portray their children as the problem. The key to successful relationships lies not in the absence of conflict but in recognizing its source and being able to cope directly with the situations that lead to conflict. Conflicts that are denied tend to fester and strain relationships. In fact, when patterns related to family conflict are left unexamined, history tends to repeat itself in subsequent generations.

functional families

Bitter (2014) contrasts a functional family structure with one that is dysfunctional. In functional families, each member is allowed to have a separate life as well as a shared life with the family group. Different relationships are given room to grow. Change is expected and invited, not viewed as a threat. When differentiation leads to disagreements, the situation is viewed as an opportunity for growth rather than an attack on the family system. The structure of the functional family system is characterized by freedom, flexibility, and open communication. All the family members have a voice and can speak for themselves. In this atmosphere, individuals feel support for taking risks and venturing into the world

Lawson and Gaushell (1991) recommend that training programs address candidates' family issues before admitting them to a program. They suggest requiring a family autobiography as part of the application materials. This would yield useful information concerning intergenerational family characteristics that would have a relationship to a helper's ability to work with families. Lawson and Gaushell emphasize these intergenerational family characteristics of counselor trainees:

Clinicians who have resolved negative family experiences are better able to assist their clients, especially those with whom they have issues in common. • It is essential that trainees be given assistance in identifying and addressing their own problematic family issues to enhance their psychological functioning and their effectiveness as helpers. • Unmet needs in early family experiences later manifest themselves in intense and conflicting ties with these family members. • Helpers' early roles as peacemakers create later ambivalence regarding intimacy with significant others. • Counselor trainees' experiences in their families of origin can lead to difficulties in their current relationships.

emotional intelligence

Daniel Goleman (1995) believes that infancy is the beginning point for establishing emotional intelligence, which he defines as the ability to control impulses, empathize with others, form responsible interpersonal relationships, and develop intimate relationships. He identifies the most crucial factor in teaching emotional competence as timing, especially in our family of origin and in our culture of origin during infancy. He adds that childhood and adolescence expand on the foundation for learning a range of human competencies. Later development offers the critical windows of opportunity for acquiring the basic emotional patterns that will govern the rest of our lives.

Genogram

work is a formal process, so it helps to have a guide (see McGoldrick, 2011a; McGoldrick, Gerson, & Petry, 2008). Genograms provide a structure, or frame, for family stories of emotional significance. They may start out as a simple map of squares (for men) and circles (for women) with lines of connection, but they evolve into a complex picture of issues and coping strategies that permeate generations.