CMST Chapter 4

Forced Apology

A mother insists little brother apologize to sibling. "Steven say your are sorry". "Ok, Im sorry"

Apology Excuse

Apologize but attempt to justify behavior. "Im sorry I didn't return your call, but Ive been so busy studying for finals."

Condescending Apology

Apologize but shift blame to the other person. "Im sorry you feel that way" or "Im sorry you thought I was being rude"

Individual Differences

Differences in values, beliefs, attitudes, interests and decisions

Collaboration

You stand up for your rights wile taking the other person into account. One person wants to see a horror film and another wants to see a comedy. You decide to watch both.

"I'm at Fault"

You were in the wrong. "Im sorry I broke your lamp"

Acknowledgment

Directly responding to what the other person said. "You mean he broke up with you? What exactly did he say?"

Altruism

Do it for me approach. You ask the other person to selflessly put your needs before themselves. "I know you hate these company picnics, but please go, for me." Works best on best friends.

Esteem

Self: "If you stay in school and graduate we [parents] will be so proud of you." or Others: "If you stay in school and graduate, you will make the whole family proud"

Closing Conversations

Signal to the other person that the convo is coming to an end, summarize main topics of convo, and show that you have enjoyed talking and look forward to talking in the future.

Endorsement

When you agree with the other person's evaluation. "It was wrong for him to break up with you in public. He should have done it in private"

Irrelevant Response

Your reply is completely unrelated to what the other person said.

"I Regret It"

Your words or actions caused emotional pain or grief. "I am sorry I hurt your feelings when I made fun of your new haircut"

Blanket Apology

You need to apologize but your not sure what you did wrong. "Im sorry about whatever I did." Usually given to spouse, parents or siblings

DESC Scripting

D: Describe problem. E: Express how you feel. S: Specify what you want other to do C: Consequence- What will punishment be? "It bothers me when you are rude. It upsets me because I feel bad for waiter. I would like you to treat them with more respect. If you continue, I will not go with you."

Equivocal Message

Messages that have two more more equally plausible yet vague meanings. When we equivocate, we don't actually lie.

"I Apologize, but Not Really"

fake apology, not really sorry

Promise

The reward comes after the favor. "If you help me with my paper, I will do your laundry"

Guilt

"If you don't come to the family reunion, you will really upset grandma. She hasn't seen you in 10 years and this might be the last reunion she will be able to make."

Lie to Protect Resources

"Im sorry but I don't have any cash on me"

False, clear message

"It is a beautiful paining, I love it"

Degrading

"No wonder Will broke up with you. You're so high maintenance"

False, equivocal message

"Thanks for the painting. I will hang it up as soon as I find the right spot"-you have no intention of finding a spot.

True, clear message

"The paining is ugly, I hate it"

True, equivocal message

"What a unique painting, I have never seen anything like it" or "Things just haven't been the same since you have been gone"

Liking

"Wow, you are looking great today. By the way, can I copy your notes?"

Lie to Increase Social Desirability

"Yes, I would love to go skiing, I was practically born on skis" even though you have never been skiing.

Interrupting

'I'm so upset. Will took me..." "Oh, look at the time, I have to go to class."

Ego Conflict

Conflict gets personal and individuals use their words to verbally attack one another. "I can't believe you are so stupid!"

Maintaining Conversations

Ask open ended questions, make use of free information, and ask follow up questions, but keep it all light.

Supplicator

Attempts to control others by appearing weak, helpless or defenseless. Claiming your back is hurt so someone else will move your couch.

Compromise

Both parties try to find some middle ground. You want Superior Grill and roommate wants PF Changs. You decide on buffet that serves both.

Initiating a Conversation

Choose a topic to discuss: the situation, the other person, or yourself.

Analyzing

Examining the other person's message in order to help them identify the cause for their problem. "Maybe Will broke up with you because he is afraid of commitment."

Exemplifier

Exerts control by personifying the values admired by others. They want to be seen as honest, moral and ethical so others will comply out of admiration. This is Angelica from the Rugrats

Lie to Spare Feelings

Friend is trying to lose 20 pounds. She has lost 5 and bought a new dress. Rather than tell her it looks to small, you lie and say she looks great.

"I Sympathize"

Given to express empathy, compassion, or understanding for the situation of the other person. "I am sorry about the loss of your dog"

Pre-Giving

Giving a gift or doing a favor before asking for what you want. Washing your brothers car before asking to borrow it or baking a friend cookies before asking for homework help

Reward Power

Has the ability to make another comply with a request because they control some physical or emotional resource that we want or need. When your boss asks you to work overtime, you do it because he has the power to give you a raise.

Tangential Response

Her: "He is such a jerk to break up with me in public" You: "Im hungry, I want a burger and fries"

Pseudo Conflict

Occurs because a misunderstanding or misinterpretation or another's intent.

Advising

Offering the other person guidance based on your opinion. "Spring break is coming up. I think you should go to the beach. It will take your mind off Will and maybe you will meet someone new."

Expert Power

Some individuals are influential because they have special knowledge or power. We diet and exercise because doctors tell us to.

Legitimate Power

Some people are powerful because they represent some social institution like police officers, teachers or judges. We do what they say because their position gives them the right to tell us what to do.

Lie to Acquire Resources

Tell mom you need money for text book but use money for alcohol instead.

Lie to Avoid Conflict or Punishment

Telling the truth will lead to an argument so you tell your girlfriend "I was in the library all night studying for an exam" or telling your boss "I was late because I was stuck in traffic" to avoid scolding.

Lie to Present a Competent Image

Telling your boss "Sure, I can work with that computer program, I do it all the time"

Coercive Power

The person has the ability to inspire fear. If a child does not comply with their parent, the parent can take away their privileges. You also might comply with working overtime because fear that boss will fire you.

Debt

The you owe me approach. "Last week I went on a double date with your cousin, and my sisters friend is coming in town now so I need you to keep her company"

Scarcity of Resources

There is not enough of something to go around. Includes time, space and money.

Threat

There will be negative consequences if the other person does not comply. "If you don't go with me to the party, I will never talk to you again" Works best for a small child

Misunderstanding

Two friends meet up at different Walk Ons locations

Bridging

Two individuals settle on a new option that was not one of the original goals. One person wants kitchen painted yellow. The other wants it green. Decide white is best because it is neutral.

Ingratiator

Uses charm, helpfulness and flattery to control others. Usually the "yes man" or "brown-noser"

Intimidator

Wants to appear dangerous. Believes that others will give in if they are angry or violent. This would be a child throwing a temper tantrum to get what they want or a hostile customer threatening to call the manager if he does not get a refund.

Self Promoter

Wants to be perceived as competent so they attempt to build credibility by impressing others with their knowledge, training and experience. People who name drop or refer to the prestigious college they attended.

Referent Power

We comply with their resists out of admiration or respect. A little brother might do what older brother says because he looks up to him or you might do what grandparent says just because he is your grandfather.

Non-Immediacy

You display verbal or nonverbal clues that minimize interest. This happens when you are reading the paper, texting, avoiding eye contact or mindlessly saying "uh-huh" This implies I hear you, but Im not really listening"

Lie to Avoid Interaction

You don't want to go to your friends party so you tell her "I would love to come to your party but I have plans with my family this weekend"

Supportive Response

You express sympathy and understanding without necessarily agreeing with the other person's evaluation. "I understand how bad you feel right now, but don't worry. Im sure you will find someone better"

Accommodation

You give in to the other person with no regard to your own needs or desires. Your friend wants to go to the beach and you want to go skiing. You go to the beach to make your friend happy

Competition

You have an overwhelmingly need to get your way so you force your position on the other person. You insist you both go skiing or you will not go on trip at all.

Discounting

You minimize the importance of what the other person is saying to you. You make the other person feel like their problem is not a big deal. "Don't sweat it, there are plenty of guys out there"