COMM 243 Chapter 8: Communication and Relational Dynamics

The Ethics of Evasion

People use hints, equivocations, and benevolent lies because they help manage difficult situations. But are they ethical? Most people accept lies when the speaker's motives and the effects of the lie are positive. In some circumstances, lies are judged as more appropriate than the undiluted truth. In light of these facts, perhaps it's better to ask whether an indirect message is truly in the interests of the receiver and whether this sort of evasion is the only, or the best, way to behave in a given situation.

Forgiving Transgressions

Forgiveness has both personal and relational benefits. On a personal level, forgiveness can reduce emotional distress and aggression and improve cardiovascular functioning. Interpersonally, it can restore damaged relationships. Like an apology, forgiveness should also contain certain elements: 1. An explicit statement: "I can't forget what you did, but I believe your apology and I accept it." 2. A discussion of the implications of the transgression and the future of the relationship: "I have to be honest. It's going to take time before I can trust you again."

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure: Do You Have a Moral Obligation to Disclose?

Sometimes we are morally obliged to disclose. For example, if someone tells you that a child is being sexually abused, you are required by law to report it to the proper authorities.

Repairing Damaged Relationships

Sooner or later, all relationships hit bumpy patches and these are referred to as relational transgressions. For example, we see this in lack of commitment, physical and psychological distancing, disrespect, problematic emotions (jealousy, rage, unjustified suspicion), and aggression.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure: Is the Self-Disclosure Reciprocated?

The amount of personal information you share usually depends on how much the other person reveals. Typically, disclosure is a two-way street and couples are happiest when their levels of openness are roughly equal. One-way disclosure does have a role in therapeutic relationships, like when clients disclose to a trained professional. But you wouldn't expect or be receptive to your doctor's disclosing personal problems or ailments.

Relationships Change

The dialectical tensions that are inherent in long-term relationships result in constant change. In addition, communication theorist Richard Conville describes the constantly changing, evolving nature of relationships as a cycle in which partners move through a series of stages, returning to ones they previously encountered, although at a new level. Referring to Knapp's model of relational development, partners might move from integration to differentiating to intensifying to a new level of security. It's the changing nature of relationships that keep them together.

Complementarity

The familiar saying that "opposites attract" is also valid. Differences strengthen a relationship when they are complementary—when each partner's characteristics satisfy the other's needs. Successful couples find ways to balance their similarities and differences by adjusting to the changes that occur over the years.

Strategies for Relational Repair

The first step in repairing a transgression is to talk about the violation. In cases where you're responsible for the transgression, raise the issue by asking, in an appropriate tone of voice, "What did I do that you found so hurtful?" The best way to right a wrong is to take responsibility for your transgression. Even though apologizing doesn't come easy in Western cultures, not offering an apology can be worse for both parties. To repair damaged relationships, your apology requires three elements: 1. An explicit acknowledgment that the transgression was wrong: "I acted like a selfish jerk." 2. A sincere apology: "I'm really sorry. I feel awful for letting you down." 3. Some type of compensation: "If I act that way again, you can call me on it." Again, make sure your nonverbal behaviours match your words when you apologize. Even then, don't expect immediate forgiveness. With severe transgressions, expressions of regret and promises of new behaviour need to be acted on before the aggrieved party accepts them as genuine.

Models of Relational Development and Maintenance

The kinds of communication used to start, maintain, and end relationships

Proximity

The more often we interact with someone, the more likely we will form a relationship with that person. Proximity allows us to get more information about other people and the Internet provides a new means for creating closeness, as users are able to experience "virtual proximity" in cyberspace.

Relational Transgressions: One-Time versus Incremental

The most obvious transgressions occur in a single episode: an act of betrayal, a verbal assault, or stalking out in anger. But subtle transgressions, such as emotional withdrawal, can occur over time. If the withdrawal is pervasive, however, it violates the fundamental nature of relationships in that partners are unavailable to one another.

Cultural Influences on Intimacy

The notion of intimacy varies across cultures. For instance, people in the United States disclose the most. This contrasts with individuals from collectivistic countries such as Taiwan and Japan. They don't reach out to strangers; rather, they wait to be introduced before joining a conversation. Outsiders are addressed formally and unfavourable information about in-group members is hidden—they don't air their dirty laundry in public. In individualistic cultures , there is less distinction between personal and casual relationships. People are "familiar" with strangers and readily disclose information. Another area of intimacy related to culture is sexual self-disclosure. People from individualistic cultures seem much freer to express their sexual needs than do those from collectivistic cultures. Give the connection between sexual satisfaction and sexual disclosure, this could affect a couple's sexual enjoyment.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure: Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable?

There is always risk involved in disclosure, especially on the job. However, if the person is trustworthy and supportive, the prospect of disclosing may be more reasonable. Further, some relationships are well worth the risk.

Alternatives to Self-Disclosure: Lying

Although lying to gain unfair advantage is wrong, the "benevolent lie" isn't so easy to dismiss. A benevolent lie is defined as unmalicious or even helpful to the person to whom it is told, and they are quite common in face-to-face and mediated relationships. Most people believe that there are times when lying is justified. Self-serving and exploitive lies are treated as a relational transgression, while lies aimed at sparing another's feelings are generally forgiven. But lying about major parts of your relationship can have the gravest consequences.

Alternatives to Self-Disclosure

Although self-disclosure plays an important role in interpersonal relationships, complete honesty isn't always an easy or ideal choice. Research shows that in such situations, communicators aren't always hones and resort to four alternatives: silence, lying, equivocating, and hinting.

Relational Transgressions: Deliberate versus Unintentional

An unintentional transgression would be inadvertently revealing something about a friend's past. An intentional transgression might be purposely making a cruel comment just to hurt the person's feelings.

Communication at Work: Boundaries and Self-Disclosure

Another way in which boundaries can be violated is through self-disclosure. Recall the term, privacy management—where we want certain things about ourselves to remain private. It is as if we "own" this information. When we work, we may be privy to private information regarding other personnel (whether or not someone will receive a promotion, information regarding an employee review, how much people earn, etc.) or the organization itself (expansion plans, possible lay-offs, possible mergers, the contents of certain meetings, etc.). As a result, confidentiality can be a huge issue at times and to maintain confidentiality is to be professional.

A Model of Self-Disclosure

Another way to look at the role of self-disclosure is by means of the Johari Windowmodel created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. magine a frame like Figure 8.3 that contains everything about you: your likes, dislikes, goals, secrets, needs—everything. To understand the model, look at the four parts. Part 1: the open area, represents information that you and others know about you. It would include things like your address, your interests, all the information that you and your friends post about you on social media. Part 2: the blind area, represents information that you are unaware of but others know. For example, you may not know that your professors think very highly of you or that your behaviour changes when you're around a certain person. Part 3: your hidden area, represents information that you don't share with others. Perhaps you have an addiction or you did something in your youth that you're ashamed of now. You're likely to keep things like this to yourself. Part 4: the unknown area, represents information unknown to both you and others. This would include future honours or awards or your "hidden" talents that have yet to emerge because the opportunity has not yet presented itself. Maybe your bravery and swimming abilities will enable you to save someone's life in the future. How the model works is that if you begin to self-disclose more of your hidden area, then others will provide information about you that you don't know. Up until your disclosure, you had been blind to this fact about yourself. In addition to learning about yourself, self-disclosure has several other benefits.

Developmental Models: Integrating

At the integrating stage, the parties take on an identity as a social unit—invitations come addressed to the couple. They also begin to take on each other's commitments. In the integrating stage, individuals give up some characteristics of their old selves and develop shared identities.

Benefits and Risks of Self-Disclosure: Benefits of Self-Disclosure

Catharsis: Sometimes we disclose just to "get it off our chest," like when you reveal your regrets about behaving badly in the past. This catharsis can provide mental and emotional relief. Reciprocity: Self-disclosure usually begets more of the same. While your own self-disclosures won't guarantee self-disclosure by others, your honesty will create a climate that makes others feel safe or even obligated to reciprocate. Sometimes reciprocity occurs later; you tell a friend something today, and she or he opens up at a later date. Self-Clarification: Sometimes we clarify our beliefs, opinions, thoughts, attitudes, and feelings merely by talking about them out loud. This "talking the problem out" occurs with psychotherapists, or even good friends, bartenders, and hairdressers. Self-Validation: When you disclose to obtain a listener's agreement ("I think I did the right thing when . . ."), you are disclosing for self-validation, a confirmation of something about you. This occurs, for example, in the "coming out" process when gay individuals choose to integrate their sexual orientation into their personal, family, and social lives. Relationship Maintenance and Enhancement: Self-disclosure also plays a role in relational success. For example, there's a strong relationship between the quality of self-disclosure and marital satisfaction. The same principle applies in other personal relationships. Social Influence: Revealing personal information can sometimes increase your control over a person and the situation.

Relationships Require Commitment

Commitment is important in every type of interpersonal relationship. Relational commitment involves a promise to remain and make a relationship successful. Social media play a role in relational maintenance. For example, tools such as Facebook allow loved ones to view status updates or post comments on each other's walls. Social media also helps long distance relationships to be as stable as geographically close ones and this holds true for romantic, family, and friendship relationships. The key is commitment to relational maintenance.

Developmental Models: Bonding

During the bonding stage, parties make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists. Bonding is the peak of Knapp's "coming together" phase of relational development. What constitutes a bonded, committed relationship isn't easily defined. It's the declaration of exclusivity that makes this a distinct stage in the relationship. Relationships don't have to be romantic to achieve bonding. We see it with contracts that formalize a business partnership or initiation ceremonies into a fraternity or sorority.

Communication at Work: Boundaries and Professionalism

Given the amount of time we spend in the workplace, developing and maintaining both interpersonal and professional relationships is very important. Research shows that workplace friendships foster positive identity development, a sense of belonging, and emotional support. They can also facilitate cooperation, cohesion, creativity, and innovation—all qualities that are good for organizations. However, there can be a downside to such friendships when employees begin to behave more like they're in a social setting than in a work setting. They may make inappropriate jokes and use less than professional language or spend time gossiping, discussing personal matters, consoling one another, or sharing confidential information. To ensure that such friendships do not override your work expectations, keep your boundaries in check. Boundaries refer to placing limitations on your communication and behaviours so that they are consistent with what is expected in your work environment.

Communication at Work: Romance in the Workplace

Given the proximity with which we work with one another, it's no surprise that workplace romances are relatively common. Employers, however, worry about performance issues when parties are distracted by one another.

Hinting

Hints are more direct than equivocal statements. Although equivocal statements aren't aimed at changing others' behaviour, hints seek to get a desired response from others. The face-saving value of hints explains why communicators are more likely to be indirect than fully disclosing when they deliver a potentially embarrassing message. Hints are only as successful as the other person's ability to pick up on them. Subtle remarks might go right over the head of insensitive receivers, or they may chose not to respond.

Intimacy in Relationships

How important are close, intimate relationships? Apparently, they are extremely important.

Developmental Models: Stagnating

If circumscribing continues, the relationship enters the stagnating stage where there's little feeling for one another. Couples in this stage unenthusiastically have the same conversations, see the same people, and follow the same routines without any sense of joy or novelty. In all, there is no growth in this stage and relational boredom sets in.

Developmental Models: Avoiding

In the avoiding stage, partners create physical distance between each other, either indirectly ("I've been sick lately") or directly ("Don't call me; I don't want to see you now"). The prognosis for the relationship is not good at this stage. But deterioration is not inevitable. A key difference between marriages that end in separation and those that are restored is the type of communication that occurs when partners are unsatisfied. Unsuccessful couples deal with problems by avoidance, indirectness, and less involvement with each other. Couples who "repair" their relationship confront each other with their concerns and negotiate solutions to their problems.

Developmental Models: Differentiating

In the differentiating stage, couples begin to re-assert their individual identities. This is where the "we" orientation shifts to a "me" approach. Instead of discussing "our" weekend plans, the conversation becomes about what "I" want to do. But the need for individuality and autonomy needn't be a negative experience. The key to successful differentiating is maintaining a commitment to the relationship while you create your individual "spaces."

Developmental Models: Intensifying

In the intensifying stage, the parties increase both contact time and the breadth and depth of their self-disclosure. Dating couples use a wide range of communication strategies to describe their feelings of attraction. The intensifying stage is the most exciting and even euphoric stage.

Developmental Models: Initiating

Initiating is the opening stage in all relationships, not just romantic ones. In the initiating stage, we make contact. Communication is usually brief and follows conventional formulas: handshakes, innocuous remarks about the weather, and friendly expressions. These seemingly superficial behaviours signal interest in building a relationship.

Why We Form Relationships

Interpersonal relationships involve the way people deal with one another socially.

Intimacy and Social Media

Intimacy also occurs via mediated sources and develops more quickly than in face-to-face communication. Blogging, Facebooking, etc., enhance verbal, emotional, and social intimacy in interpersonal relationships. The relative anonymity of chat rooms, blogs, and online dating services provides a freedom of expression that might not occur in face-to-face meetings. In addition, Instagram, Tweeting, and so forth offer more constant contact with people than might otherwise be possible. However, cyber-intimacy can be problematic at times. For example, people in committed face-to-face relationships can become virtually unfaithful through online relationships and, this type of infidelity is considered to be even more of a betrayal.

Dimensions of Intimacy

Intimacy, that state of close contact with another, occurs in a variety of relationships. There are several dimensions of intimacy: 1. Physical intimacy begins before birth, when the fetus experiences a physical closeness with its mother that will never happen again. 2. Intellectual intimacy occurs when we share important ideas. This can result in an exciting closeness. 3. Emotional intimacy comes from exchanging important feelings in both face-to-face and online interactions. 4. Shared activities is when partners do things together, they develop in ways that can transform the relationship. Some intimate relationships exhibit all four dimensions, while others display only one or two. Although no relationship is always intimate, living without any sort of intimacy is hardly desirable.

The Limits of Intimacy

It's impossible (and undesirable) to have a close relationship with everyone you know and most people want four to six close relationships in their lives at any given time. Scholars have pointed out that an obsession with intimacy actually leads to less satisfying relationships. When you consider the pleasure that comes from polite but distant communication, the limitations of intimacy become clear. Intimacy is rewarding, but it's not the only way to relate to others.

Relationships Require Maintenance

Just as gardens need tending, so too do relationships need work. Researchers have identified five maintenance strategies that couples use to keep their interaction satisfying: 1. Positivity: Keep the relational climate polite and upbeat, and avoid criticism. 2. Openness: Talk directly about the nature of the relationship and disclose personal needs and concerns. 3. Assurances: Let the other person know that he or she matters to you. 4. Social networks: Communicate with friends, family, and co-workers. This provides companionship and takes pressure off the relationship to satisfy all the partners' needs. 5. Sharing tasks. Help one another take care of life's chores and obligations. These maintenance strategies aren't only for romantic relationships.

Benefits and Risks of Self-Disclosure

Like most things in life, there are benefits and risks of self-disclosing. The choices people make to reveal or conceal information about themselves is referred to as privacy management. People disclose for a variety of reasons.

Managing Dialectical Tensions

Managing these dialectical tensions can be challenging, and couples go about it differently. However, there are several strategies that seem to have the best results. 1. Integration: Communicators accept opposing forces without trying to diminish them. In terms of novelty and prediction, a couple might decide that once a week they'll do something different together that they've never done before. 2. Recalibration: Dialectical challenges are reframed so the contradiction disappears; for example, changing an attitude from loving someone in spite of the differences to loving her or him because of those differences. Instead of thinking of someone's unwillingness to share parts of their past as secret keeping, think of it as mysterious. 3. Reaffirmation: Recognizing and then embracing the notion that dialectical tensions will always be there is also an effective approach.

Relationships Are Affected by Culture

Many qualities that shape relationships are universal in nature. For example, communication in all cultures has a task and relational dimension, and similar facial expressions signal the same emotions. All cultures have a distribution of power, and males are more competitive and tend to invest less emotionally in sexual relationships. While generalities do exist, particulars can differ across cultures.

Developmental Models: Terminating

Many relationships reach the terminating stage and end. But they don't necessarily move toward termination in a straight line. Some go back and forth toward dissolution. Termination isn't always negative. Understanding each other's needs for personal growth may dilute hard feelings. The best predictor of whether romantic parties will remain friends is whether they were friends beforehand.

Connection versus Autonomy (Independence)

Needing both connection and independence within relationships results in the connection-autonomy dialectic. Couples who can't find ways to manage these personal needs break up. Both women and men in heterosexual romantic pairs cite the connection—autonomy balance as one of the most significant factors affecting their relationship. Managing this tension is crucial in negotiating turning points related to commitment, conflict, disengagement, and reconciliation.

Developmental Models: Experimenting

Once we've made contact, the next step is deciding whether we're interested in pursuing the relationship. This involves uncertainty reduction—the process of getting to know others by gaining more information about them. Typically, people search for common ground with conversational basics such as, "Where are you from?" or "What's your major?" and then move on to similarities. The hallmark of the experimenting stage is small talk. It enables us to learn what interests we have in common and to "audition" the other person—to help us decide whether a relationship is worth pursuing. In romantic relationships, this is when the "crush" starts.

Developmental Models

One well-known model of relational stages was developed by Mark Knapp. He divided the rise and fall of relationships into 10 stages consisting of two broad phases: "coming together" and "coming apart." Other researchers suggest that models of relational communication should have a third area—relational maintenance—communication aimed at keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily.

Rewards

Personal and interpersonal relationships are relationships based on a socioeconomic model called social exchange theory. This model suggests that we seek out people who can give us tangible or emotional rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them. According to social exchange theory, relationships suffer when one partner feels "underbenefited." When the costs outweigh the rewards, some people feel that the relationship is not worth the effort. Others choose to be in a bad relationship as opposed to no relationship at all.

Dialectical Perspectives

Rather than see relationships in stages, others see them in terms of balancing the scale between being a couple and maintaining individuality. This is referred to as a dialectical tension—when two opposing forces come together. Three types of dialectical tensions are described below.

Characteristics of Relationships

Regardless of how you analyze relationships, they change constantly, are affected by culture, and require maintenance and commitment.

Social Support

Relational maintenance keeps a relationship thriving but social support involves emotional, informational, and instrumental support during challenging time. It's through communication that we provide such aid. 1. Emotional support: Fewer things are more helpful during times of stress, hurt, or grief than having someone who listens with empathy and responds in caring ways. Therefore, it's important to keep messages person centred or focused on the emotions of the speaker. 2. Informational support: Sometimes it's important for us to find information for loved ones. Perhaps they're just not in the right frame of mind to do so, or we may have access to information that can be helpful to them. 3. Instrumental support: Sometimes our friends and family need us to do things for them. It could be as simple as giving someone a ride to the airport to something more complicated like providing care during an illness. We count on romantic partners and family members to assist us in times of need, and instrumental support is a primary marker of a close relationship.

Relational Transgressions: Social versus Relational

Some transgressions violate social rules. For example, most people agree that ridiculing or humiliating a friend in public is rude. Other rules are uniquely constructed by the parties involved. For instance, some families have a rule stating, "If you're going to be late, call so we won't worry." Failure to honour this accepted procedure feels like a violation.

Masculine and Feminine Intimacy Styles

Researchers once thought that women were better at developing and maintaining relationships than men because of the link between intimacy and women's propensity to self-disclose. However, emotional expression isn't the only way to develop close relationships. Men develop meaningful relationships through shared activities. By doing things together, they "grow on one another," develop feelings of interdependence, show appreciation for one another, and demonstrate mutual liking. Men also think of help as a measure of caring; a friend does things for you and with you. Because women and men express caring differently, this can lead to misunderstandings.

Self-Disclosure

Revealing important information about yourself (self-disclosure) also builds liking. Sometimes liking comes from learning that we have similar experiences or attitudes. Self-disclosure is also a sign of regard. When people share private information with you, it suggests that they respect and trust you. Disclosure plays an even more important role as relationships develop. This is the case in both online and face-to-face communication and relationships.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure: Will the Effect Be Constructive?

Self-disclosure can be a vicious tool if it's not used carefully, so consider the effects of your candour before opening up. Comments such as, "Last year I slept with your partner," may resolve your guilt but devastate the listener.

Self-Disclosure in Relationships

Self-disclosure is the process of deliberately revealing significant information about oneself that is not normally known by others. In self-disclosure, the sharing is deliberate, significant, and previously unknown to the listener. If you accidentally tell a friend something, that information wouldn't qualify because it isn't deliberate. Other characteristics are that self-disclosure typically occurs in one-on-one situations, it is incremental, it doesn't happen all that often, and it is best in contexts of positive relationships.

Alternatives to Self-Disclosure: Silence

Silence—withholding thoughts and feelings—need not be dishonourable, especially when total candour is likely to cause pain. People make distinctions between "lies of omission" and "lies of commission"—and saying nothing (omission) is usually judged less harshly than telling an outright lie (commission).

Degrees of Self-Disclosure

Social penetration model of self-disclosure. This model suggests that there are two dimensions of self-disclosure: depth and breadth. Breadth refers to the range of subjects discussed and depth refers to the sh The disclosure in the development of a relationship progresses from the periphery of the model to its centre and this occurs over time.ift from impersonal topics to more personal ones.

Guidelines for Self-Disclosure: Are the Amount and Types of Disclosure Appropriate?

Some people have problems with "TMI"—sharing too much information, particularly in university classrooms. One study found that while some disclosure (such as a student describing her heart condition in a physiology class) helped the learning process, other comments seemed to cross a line. It's generally not wise to divulge personal secrets in class, with strangers, on social media postings, and so forth.

Competence

We also like talented, competent people, but not if they're too competent—we look bad by comparison. People are generally attracted to those who are talented but have some visible flaws because it shows that they're human, like us. We're also attracted to people who demonstrate interpersonal warmth.

Similarity

We generally like people who are similar to us. We are more attracted to similarities we believe exist than we are to actual similarities. In fact, perceived similarities often create attraction because once we decide that we like someone, it leads to perceptions of similarity rather than the other way around. Attraction turns to dislike when the other person behaves in a strange or socially offensive manner. This threatens our self-esteem and we begin to think that we are as unappealing as they are. When that happens, we'll distance ourselves to protect our ideal self-image.

Reciprocal Attraction

We usually like people who like us, and conversely, we don't care much for people who seem indifferent or attack us in some way. It's no mystery why reciprocal liking builds attractiveness—people who approve of us bolster self-esteem. But we don't like people when we think they're just trying to get something from us or when compliments don't fit with our own self-concept.

Equivocating

When faced with the choice of telling an unpleasant truth, communicators often equivocate—responding in language that has two plausible meanings.

Benefits and Risks of Self-Disclosure: Risks of Self-Disclosure

While disclosing has it merits, it can be risky when topics are difficult or painful. There are several categories of risks: rejection, negative impression, decrease in relational satisfaction, loss of influence, and hurting the other person. One reason for this reluctance to disclose might be the risk of creating a negative impression. Deciding when and how much information to disclose can be complicated. Therefore, the following guidelines can help match the level to the situation.

Developmental Models: Circumscribing

While most long-term relationships reach a plateau of development, others pass through several stages of decline and dissolution. In the circumscribing stage, communication between members decreases in quantity and quality, and the stage is characterized by restrictions and restraints. Rather than discuss a disagreement, members withdraw mentally or physically. Circumscribing doesn't involve total avoidance, but interest and commitment wane. To maintain a healthy relationship at this point partners need to balance the need for togetherness (connecting) with the need for independence (autonomy).

Appearance

While most people know that we shouldn't judge others by their appearance, the reality is quite the opposite. The more physically attractive the person, as judged in advance by independent raters, the more likely that person was seen as desirable.

Relational Transgressions: Minor versus Significant

While small and occasional transgressions such as distancing, rage, or jealousy can be tolerated at times, large transgressions or those that occur regularly can seriously damage personal relationships.

Predictability versus Novelty

While stability is important in relationships, too much can lead to staleness. The predictability-novelty dialectic reflects this tension. For instance, long-term couples can predict exactly how their partners will react in certain situations. This can be tiresome. On the other hand, nobody wants a completely unpredictable partner who, for example, invites dinner guests without informing you or tells you at the last minute that he or she can't attend a social function. Too many surprises can threaten the foundations upon which the relationship is based.

Openness versus Privacy

While we need disclosure in our relationships, we also need privacy. We may wish to keep certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to ourselves. These conflicting drives create the openness-privacy dialectic. Partners use a variety of strategies to gain privacy. They may explain that they don't want to continue a discussion, offer indirect nonverbal cues, change the topic, or leave the room.