Denise/Dennis The Play That Goes Wrong Lines

Robert: Lovely. Thats a damn fine bottle perkins, whats the vintage

Flammable and corrosive sir.

MAX: but not only that, its embroidered with the initials FC

Florence colleymore

ROBERT/RACHEL. But why on earth would anybody want to murder him? Charles was such a gentle fellow.

Generous, kind, a true philanthropist. He never had an enemy in his life.

CHRIS: Take Cover ROBERT: Great Scott

Good heavens

* Sound effect gunshots*

Gunshots!

ROBERT/RACHEL. (Off.) Charley! Are you ready? We're all waiting downstairs to raise a glass to your engagement. Charley? Robert/Rachel knocks on the door. Come along now, Charley, you've been in there for hours now. If I didn't know better I'd say you were having second thoughts about the wedding. (Chuckles.) Charley? Hang it all, Charley, if you won't come out, we'll come in. He/She tries handle. Damn it, he's locked the door. Hand me those keys, Perkins.

Here they are Mr. Colleymoore

MAX: Im the longest serving member of staff here at haversham manor

Hes been working for mr.haversham for ninety years

ROBERT: Morose Indeed

His stillness unnerves me

ROBERT/RACHEL. Well I'm dumbfounded. He was right as— Robert/Rachel crosses in front of the chaise longue, treading on Jonathan's outstretched hand. —rain an hour ago.

I don't understand. He can't be dead. He was as fit as a fiddle. It doesn't make sense.

CHRIS: Once at the local police station. He was a consultant on a fraud case ive been working on

I see

MAX: Thank you Perkins

I shall Lock the doors at once.

ROBERT/RACHEL. Damn it, Perkins, I hope so.

I'll take his pulse

CHRIS: Does anyone else have access to the grounds? ANNIE:No one, inspector

Im the only one with the master key and as instructed I've locked and bolted the doors and soon as youve all arrived

ROBERT/RACHEL. The police? They wouldn't make it out here for days in this snowstorm.....ROBERT/RACHEL. Thank you. He/She hangs up. He's/She's on his/her way.

Inspector Carter?

ROBERT: NO! no more scotch thank you, perkins. What a dreadful evening! I must check my bank records once more. If youll excuse me

Inspector! there is something about the handkerchief you have not yet detected

CHRIS: listen, you all must be distraught, but forgive me, the sooner i can begin my inquiries the sooner we can get to the bottom of this ghastly business. Ms colleymoore, Mr.Haversham, please wait in the study as I examine the body

It's such a tragedy for a man to die just three months before he is to be married

(CUE LINE) My... My Brother wasnt as happy as people were led to believe. Behind that cheery mask lay a darker side to the man that many didn't know about

Its true, his smile was often merely, a facade. I was fortunate enough to be one of the few people he really confided in. Damn it all, I've lost a true friend today.

MAX:... It appears i have discovered a clue that will close this case CHRIS: A handkerchief?

Mamogrammed (Or mon-oh-gram-ed)

MAX: Florence has murdered her own fiance

Miss Colleymoore get in here now! You killed charles haversham and we have the evidence to prove it!

ROBERT: what on earth is going on? MAX: I can explain ROBERT: I dont think you can

Miss Colleymoore in arthurs arms?

ROBERT: *phone call bit* .. I shall hang up the phone immediately

Mr.Colleymoore, you look like you could use a scotch

MAX: how do you mean? woah winston, down from the chaise lounge

Mr.Haversham was murdered tonight

CHRIS: Eight years. And have you enjoyed your time here

My time with Mr Haversham has been nothing but a joy. I feel that since I've come here I have been seen not only as a maid but also as a friend and a confidant; if you need me I'll be in my quarters, exits

CHRIS: nine.

Ninety-nine year.

(FINAL TIME) Then who could have killed him?

No one, Yes! No one could have killed him except for the people who are in this room.

Chris: Perkins pour us all another scotch

Of Course, inspector

MAX. You know my brother had the finest collection of scotch in all the county. ROBERT/RACHEL. Don't you think I know that, Cecil? He was my best friend. MAX. Well he was my brother, Thomas/Mary. ROBERT/RACHEL. Hang it all, Charley dead. SANDRA. My fiancé dead, I can't bear it. (CUE LINE) ROBERT/RACHEL. You aren't to leave my sight this evening, Florence.

Oh my God! He's drunk the whole bottle, sir. There's not a drop left.

CHRIS: You dont appear very upset

On the contrary, I've barely taken it in. He was such a kindly, charming man

ROBERT/RACHEL. ...And assemble everyone in here

Right away sir

MAX. (Off.) I'm coming, Miss Colleymoore! ROBERT/RACHEL. Get out, you idiots. MAX. My brother? Dead? It can't be! (CUE LINE) ROBERT/RACHEL. Calm yourself, Cecil. Pour him a stiff drink, Perkins

Right away, sir. Charles always kept his scotch right there on the side table.

CHRIS: Never!

i know your secret inspector, what will you do, kill me too?

ALL: who!

inspector carter

MAX: that wont be for hours! the snow is at its peak

its not true i tell you

CHRIS: but the true motive belongs to perkins!

me inspector?

MAX: yes, well that explains the strange-going-ons i have seen in the ground this evening

strange-going-on?

CHRIS: what is it perkins

the handkerchief bears upon it the initials FC

Annie: Cecil! no.no.no. I loved him. i know it was wrong. I know i was engaged to charles, but cecil was mine and... i was his

there, there Miss colleymoore

ROBERT: Of course florence thats what brother are for

this is a disater and its already midnight. that was most om-o-noose

ROBERT: This whole business is a disgrace. Now let us remind ourselves of what we know

we know that charles haversham was found murdered here in his own private rooms on the night of his engagement party

ROBERT: yes,inspecter *DING DONG*

who the devil could that be.

CHRIS: Poppycock!

you did it because charles knew about the police monet you were em-be-zeeling

ANNIE: err i dont know!

youre probably right. quickly ms colleymore we must hide you out of harms way. Charles kept a secret passage built right behinf this bookcase. Stand back, ill open it. Step inside ms colleymore youre safe in there youre safe in there ms colleymore Arthur the gardener? what are you doing here.

Annie: Cecils dead!

A Double Murder

Chris: Don't just stand there perkins, take a seat. Go Ahead. How are you feeling perkins

A little shaken sir, but ill be fine

(CUE LINE) Max:Calm Down, Florence

Another scotch,Sir?

CHRIS: It would appear you were hiding in the grounds on the night 2 men were murdered here

Arthur became trapped in the storm and couldn't make it to the gates

MAX: indeed

Arthur the garderner, you're sugesting thar florence colleymore broke in to charles private rooms this afternoon

Chris: Set them on the mantelpiece

As you wish inspector

ROBERT/RACHEL. (Off.) Thank you, Perkins. Let's get this door open. We're coming in, Charley! We're coming in! Robert/Rachel tries to open the door, but it won't budge. Dennis/Denise and Robert/Rachel hammer on the door to try and open it. (Still off.) There we are. We're in. Robert/Rachel and Dennis/Denise dart around the side of the set to enter. But what's this? Charles, unconscious?

Asleep surely, Mr. Colleymoore

ROBERT/RACHEL. Lock every door, man./Lock every door.Not a soul gets out of Haversham Manor until the killer is found.

At once sir

ROBERT: I could have sworn I just saw him breathing

Breathing Sir?

ROBERT: your magnifying glass,inspector CHRIS: thank you Thomas

But inspector, there is something you do not know about that handkerchief

ANNIE: oh dreadful yes i want to die ROBERT: Thats the spirit florence!

But now miss colleymore i must ask you an important question. Where were you when the murder was committed

ROBERT/RACHEL. At once, Perkins, and quickly

But she's bound to have one of her hysterical episodes.

CHRIS: What of it

Charles found the reason why no arrests have been made is because the man commiting the crime was yourself. you were the fucade... the perpetrator, you were the perpetrator!

CHRIS: Eighty years?

Eight year, eight years

CHRIS: How long have you been working at haversham manor?

Eighty years

ROBERT/RACHEL. Until today, it seems

Shall I telephone the police sir.

ROBERT/RACHEL. Of course it makes sense. He's been murdered! 16 Lights snap to red again. The same dramatic musical spike. Lights snap back to the general state. Good God. Where's Florence?

She's in the dining room, sir. Shall I fetch her?

Robert: florence, Control yourself girl

Shes having another one of her hysterical episodes.

ROBERT/RACHEL. Blast! I knew something must have been wrong, it's not like Charles to disappear like this.

Sir, He's Dead

CHRIS: now to dust the body for fingerprints ROBERT: What was that

Sir?

(CUE LINE) Sandra: Oh Cecil kiss me a thousand times im yours

Sorry to interrupt, mr.haversham, miss colleymoore. I have come to collect the keys to lock us all inside.

(CUE LINE) Sandra: Oh Kiss me cecil i cant wait a second longer.

Sorry to interrupt, mr.haversham, miss colleymoore. I have come to prepare the room.

ROBERT/RACHEL. Charles! Dead! What a horror. Robert/Rachel crosses the stage and steps on Jonathan's hand again. He/She removes his jacket/her shawl. But do you think it was murder, Perkins? Robert/Rachel hangs the jacket/shawl up on a hook on the wall. Or do you think perhaps— The hook holding the jacket/shawl falls to the floor. —it was suicide?

Suicide? Mr. Haversham? Not possible! Never was there a man with more zest for life than Charles Haversham. He was young, rich and soon to be married. Why on earth would he commit suicide?

(CUE LINE) Max: Perkins is right, my brother was often hiding a deep sense of melancholy and resentment. I have no doubt in my mind it was suicide

Suicide? Mr.Haversham? How could you say that. Of course not, its murder. Murder in the first degree.

Robert: But who could have killed him

Thats a good question Mr.Colleymoore

(MAX) As I said! Driven mad with paranoia and jealousy. (Trevor) Oh shit

The Inspector!

ANNIE: not now, thomas. we know that he too was murdered on the same eve in cold blood

The only thing we dont knnw is who the murderer is

CHRIS: You perkins! It appears charles made perkins the sole beneficiary of his inheritance

This is all a mistake

SANDRA AND ANNIE: perkins? but shes such a kindly old women!

This is all a misunderstanding. i didnt kill charles but i know who did!

ROBERT: I can't stand it. Just look at him lying there

This is most, more-us

ROBERT/RACHEL. Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at his own engagement party! Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at his own engagement party! What a grim, grim night. SANDRA. (Off.) Charley! No! I can't believe what I'm seeing. ROBERT/RACHEL. Don't touch him, Florence. SANDRA. I must! ROBERT/RACHEL. You mustn't! (CUE LINE) SANDRA. You controlling brute/fiend, unhand me!Oh, who could do such a thing? The night of our engagement party. Cecil, quick! Your brother's dead.

This way, Mr.Haversham

Annie: I cant believe cecil is doing this

Try to relax Miss Colleymoore

ROBERT/RACHEL. They say he's/she's the best damn inspector in the district, he'll/she'll crack this case and quick.

Very good, sir, and what shall I do

Annie: I cannot bare it. Cecil would not do such a thing

Well this is a fine mess. This is the worst night i've seen in eighty- eight years of service

Robert: don't worry florence, youre safe here with me

Whats Happening Sir

Chris: Perkins! Bring in Charles personal effects

Where would you like them inspector

*cue line* MAX: hold your tounge. we all know what youve done. woahhhh winston! Down boy!

Winston, the inspector is here to help us

Annie: How will I go on. Sobs. Chris: Take the body outside

Yes Inspector

CHRIS: .... Now that i have finished examining the body, perhaps you would take it down to the service quarters for the coroner to collect in the morning

Yes Inspector

CHRIS: I need you to pull yourselves together and help me to dust his body for fingerprints

Yes Inspector

Chris: very well, have you poured everyone a stiff drink?

Yes Inspector

Chris: What a terrible snow storm. Good Evening , I'm inspector carter. Take my case

Yes inspector

ROBERT: ... Perkins, get in here

Yes sir

CHRIS: You and charles haversham, you were close?

Yes sir, Very close

ROBERT/RACHEL. Hang it all, there's another on the table

Yes, sir, of course you're right, this one's full.

CHRIS: Its true

You met him?

CHRIS: Nonsense!

You say youd met before, that he was a consultant on a fraud case youve been working on.

JONATHAN: .... For months now ive had my guard up and tonight you fell into my trap.

You've been hiding in the grounds ever since this afternoon when you planted the poisen.

ROBERT: Bring me my bankbook perkins

Your bankbook, sir

ROBERT: Thank you perkins

Your pen, sir

*Act 2* ANNIE:Frightful brother, frightful

and look mr.colleymore, the snowstorm outside is building

Mr.haversham? surely you dont mean charles haversham

and not only that, his brother cecil was also killed tonight

CHRIS: Miss colleymoore you are a vile criminal

and to think we took you in

Max: well then lets all raise a glass, to a man we all loved, to charles

charles

MAX: A mysterious figure stood by the window.... A Lace handkercheif. with a deep red mark and a distinctive sent

cyanide

MAX: I was gardening later this evening with winston when we got caught in the storm and couldnt make it to the gates

good heavans Arthur come inside, you wont believe what a nightmare this evening has been

CHRIS: I suggest you settle down miss colleymoore

quickly, where is her medication

SANDRA: *in the clock* ... I shall faint!

shes fainted.